Curses! This new Country Fried Steak ‘N’ Gravy Biscuit from Hardee’s looks like the culinary equivalent of a unicorn galloping across a rainbow. Country fried steak + biscuits and gravy = Serious Awesome. Unfortunately, I happen to live in a part of the country that thinks Carl’s Jr. when they see the Happy Star, not Hardee’s. The closest Hardee’s to me is approximately 982 miles away and it would take 18 hours and 12 minutes to drive there. Not that I considered doing such a thing. That would be silly, right?
Their website describes the sandwich as “A seasoned, country fried steak with a generous portion of sausage gravy served between a Made From Scratch® buttermilk biscuit.”
My heart and stomach ache for it.
I’ll have to live vicariously through other people’s reviews for now. Hopefully, if it sells well, they’ll bring it over to Carl’s Jr.’s menu. If that ever happens, I’ll be on the Country Fried Steak ‘N’ Gravy Biscuit like sausage gravy on a country fried steak. Aw, man. Even my terrible analogies show I’ve got Hardee’s on the brain.
If you actually live in a state that has a Hardee’s, the sandwich retails for $2.19. I urge you to try one out and let me know what you think!
It’s almost getting boring to say things like “fast food restaurants are trying to one-up each other by creating increasinglymoreridiculous menu items”. I say “almost” because frankly, I hope they keep it up. This is the stuff I live for. It’s my bread and butter, baby.
So when a friend graciously alerted me to Denny’s new Fried Cheese Melt, I knew I had to have it. Denny’s isn’t the usual type of place I’d go to get a food to review – you mean, there’s a person who shows me where to sit, hands me a physical menu, and checks up on my periodically to ensure I’m having a pleasant dining experience? What foreign land have I happened upon?
But the Fried Cheese Melt was too deliciously silly to resist. It’s part of a revamp of their $2 $4 $6 $8 Value Menu, replacing the Three-cheese melt with soup or garden salad, which falls into the $4 category. According to Nation’s Restaurant News, Denny’s describes the Fried Cheese Melt as “made with four fried mozzarella sticks and melted American cheese grilled between two slices of sourdough bread. It is served with French fries and a side of marinara sauce.”
Yes, that is correct. Four fried mozzarella sticks stuffed inside a grilled cheese sandwich. Gawker calls it “culinary terrorism.” I call it AWESOME.
NRN also informed me that the new Value Menu doesn’t launch until August 24. My brain chose to ignore that statement, probably due to over-excitement, possibly because I was already sticking the keys into the ignition of my car. Either way, I found myself in my local Denny’s yesterday, eager to devour this potentially awesome, potentially lethal sandwich. You can imagine my disappointment when I didn’t find the sandwich on the menu. You can imagine my thoughts of suicide when I asked the waitress about it and she told me that it wouldn’t be out until next week.
And thus ends my non-review of the Fried Cheese Melt. Worst. Review. Ever.
But I like telling stories, so let’s just keep going! Who knows what kind of magical things could happen?
Resigned to my fate of not eating a Fried Cheese Melt and also of having to actually put pants on and leave the house again next week, I ordered a Spicy Buffalo Chicken Melt and consoled myself with a giant cup of ranch dressing. The sandwich was quite tasty, and the seasoned fries were really good. I tried to enjoy myself, but across the deserted restaurant they were conducting a training class, run by the female incarnation of R. Lee Ermey, so I could hear every word of what was going on. “The napkin-bundled silverware needs to be on the right of the place mat, not on top of it,” she shouted to a group of probably-terrified trainees. I looked down at my place mat, with its bundle carefully placed directly on top of the place mat on the left-hand side, and smiled a little.
But then they started talking about the new Value Menu items, and it’s like they were intentionally torturing me. A video was presented, where I could hear an overly cheerful gentleman describe in detail the sandwich that was beyond my grasp for another full week. Just as I was about to drown myself in ranch, our waitress magically appeared. Can you guess what she was holding?
“We have a treat for you! As you can tell, we’re doing some training over there,” she told me as she set the plate down on the table. “So, well, you know…” I wasn’t really sure what that last part meant, but I didn’t care. The sandwich was MINE! Tears welled up in my eyes and I thanked her profusely. My heart went from two times too small to just 1.5 times too small. Then I whipped out my extremely large camera and slid it across the table to my dining partner and sometimes-JFB-contributor Bob, because I’m too much of a sissy to take pictures of food outside the comfort of my own home. I didn’t tell Bob at the time, but I was also afraid the Feds would bust in and arrest me for culinary terrorism. I was happy I had the sandwich, but still heartless enough to throw him under the bus.
So, now that we’ve all gone through a classic tale of love lost and found again, how does this sandwich actually taste?
Well, it tastes like four mozzarella sticks inside a grilled cheese sandwich, which is actually pretty fucking delicious. The buttery grilled bread and the cheese surrounding the sticks keeps them firmly in place, which is great, because I hate when you’re eating mozzarella sticks and you take a bite and the whole gooey mess wants to stretch into your mouth and the breading gets all broken up. I also hate when the sticks get cold too fast, and I think the hot cheese helped to insulate them, keeping them warm and gooey but not falling apart. Additionally, the bread sopped up more marinara sauce, increasing surface area and absorbency so that a person who loves lots of dip like me could glob on as much as I wanted without the sauce sliding off. The marinara sauce was delicious, and the cup contained the perfect amount of it.
These are pretty much all of the things that I told the manager when he came over a little while later with our waitress. I knew he was the manager because he was wearing a tie! I felt like a rock star when he asked my opinion of the sandwich. I savored the feeling of power. My words could make or break this sandwich. Never mind the countless focus groups it probably went through before it hit my table; my word was Law. I could crush all the hopes and dreams of Denny’s marketing department with a single sentence.
But, like I said, I didn’t. I gushed and raved about it, and both the manager and waitress seemed very pleased by this. I bet the manager went home that night and told his wife all about how two twenty-something shlubs loved the new Fried Cheese Melt. She pretended to listen but was instead wondering if she remembered to record the new episode of The Real Housewives of D.C. It didn’t matter, though, because he was riding on Cloud Nine.
And thus ends my wonderful adventure at Denny’s. Ms. R. Lee Ermey provided great dining entertainment, I got a delicious sandwich that I wasn’t even supposed to have, I made a manager smile, and I got to feel like a rock star. Oh, and did I mention that the waitress didn’t even charge me for the Fried Cheese Melt? I hope I tipped her sufficiently, but really, you can’t put a price on such a lovely and somewhat surreal experience. Nay-sayers be damned; I’m two thumbs up on Denny’s Fried Cheese Melt.
Edit: Remember, the Fried Cheese Melt doesn’t launch until August 24. I got really lucky, but you might not.
Score: 4.5 out of 5 hearts grown 0.5 times bigger
Price: $0.00; normally $4.00
Size: One sandwich with a side of marinara
Purchased at: Denny’s #6491
Nutritional Quirks: It’s probably chock full of everything bad for you, but who cares?
I’m inappropriately excited about reviewing these Doritos 1st, 2nd and 3rd Degree chips. You see, I’ve been seeing 1st and 2nd Degree Burns in at least two separate stores. But wherever I looked, I just couldn’t seem to find the 3rd degree. I couldn’t understand – why so elusive? Why would you sell the first two, but not the third? Is it that dangerous? My frustration over my inability to locate the third burn only intensified my curiosity. And I couldn’t just review the first two, that would be…somehow wrong. Incomplete. So I was left to be constantly confronted by two thirds of a trio that I so wanted to take pictures of and write about on the Internet.
But then…then, one fateful Saturday afternoon, I walked into one of the stores that had been taunting me with burns that only required aloe vera and not a trip to the hospital and what did I see…3rd DEGREE BURN, MOTHERFUCKERS! I excitedly grabbed a bag and headed over to where the first two had been taunting me in the store for close to a month now. And yet, they were not there. I traversed the whole store, and couldn’t find them. So…you finally get the third, and then remove the first two? That don’t make no sense.
Luckily, I knew another place that also only carried the first two, so I picked those up and basked in triumph. And thus ends two paragraphs’ worth of a story that is only interesting to me.
Moving on! In case you don’t have a grasp on the simplest of medical concepts, the gimmick here is that there are three different levels of heat. Let’s take them literally, just for fun. The first degree, Blazin’ Jalapeño, will make your tongue mildly uncomfortable. There may also be some swelling. Run some cool water over your tongue for a while and stop being such a pussy.
The second, Fiery Buffalo, will…wait a second. How is buffalo hotter than jalapeño? According to the Scoville scale, jalapeños register in at 2,500 to 8,000 units. “Buffalo” isn’t a pepper, and thus isn’t on the Scoville scale, but I’ve had my fair share of buffalo sauces, and I don’t think any of them were in any way hotter than eating a raw jalapeño. I guess they could have just used a really hot sauce to make them. Well, regardless, after consuming these chips, you will experience severe pain and swelling of the tongue, as well as developing disgusting blisters. Cold water can also help here, but it is advised that you suck on the sap of an aloe vera plant throughout the day. Try not to pop those blisters that are filling up your mouth. That would probably taste pretty gross, and it’s bad for the wound. A sterile gauze bandage may be applied to your mouth to help protect the burn. I guess you should just stuff a bunch of gauze in there and carry around a pen and paper. It would probably hurt too much to talk, anyways.
The third degree, Scorchin’ Habanero, will fuck your shit up. Habanero peppers register on the Scoville scale at 100,000 to 250,000 units. It is advised that you wear protective gloves while handling these chips to prevent skin irritation. After you eat these chips, you should seek immediate medical attention. Do not remove any clothing you may be wearing on your tongue. Elevate the tongue to above the heart le- well I guess that one is taken care of. Call 911 or have someone drive you to the nearest Emergency Room; do not drive yourself, as you may go into shock and cause a car accident, which would only make things worse. Your tongue will require constant medical attention and bandage changes for weeks afterward. A skin graft may be required. They may harvest your new tongue skin from your buttocks.
After hearing all that, you must think I’m a fool for attempting to eat all three burns in one day. Well, maybe I am a fool, but I’m a fool who eats things so that you don’t have to. Some may call me a fool; others, a hero.
1st Degree Burn: Blazin’ Jalapeño
Hm. These certainly taste familiar. Where have I experienced this unique taste before? Oh, I think I remember! I think they remind me quite strongly of Doritos Late Night Last Call Jalapeno Poppers. Or maybe I’m thinking of Doritos Poppin’ Jalapeño! No, that can’t be it, I didn’t even know that was a flavor of Doritos until about five minutes ago. Well hey, maybe it was Doritos 3Ds Jalapeño & Cheddar, part of a brief and apparently unsuccessful gimmick from the mid-2000s!
What I’m trying to say here, and I think you’ve all pretty much guessed it by now, is that there’s nothing new in Blazin’ Jalapeño. I could go on a giant tirade about Frito-Lay constantly recycles their flavors into new gimmicks, but I don’t even want to get started, because that would then become half the content of this website. I just need to accept it and move on.
I don’t see that actually happening.
For those of you who haven’t tried any of these other iterations, the flavor is pretty straightforward – spicy heat with an undertone of artificial cheese flavoring. I actually like them quite a bit, and they pack a surprising amount of heat. Jalapeño pepper powder is listed as one of the ingredients, and it’s definitely not shy. Anyone who is not a big fan of capsaicin definitely would not like these. They’ve got a good burn, but not so much so that the flavors are overwhelmed.
I don’t really have a lot more to say about 1st Degree Burn Blazin’ Jalapeño, other than that we’re off to a pretty promising start. If this is 1st degree, I’m eager to see how much my tongue hates me as we move on!
2nd Degree Burn Fiery Buffalo
I wondered briefly why 1st Degree got the Blazin’ moniker and Doritos didn’t take alliterative advantage (heh heh) and call these Blazin’ Buffalo. And then I remembered why. I swear I’ve had Blazin’ Buffalo & Ranch Doritos before, and I don’t recall the buffalo chips being hot at all. Just sufficiently buffalo-flavored.
Holy crap! Holy crap these chips are hot! The first chip delivered a blast that immediately hit my sinuses in a way 1st Degree didn’t. It was a feeling akin to what happens when you put too much wasabi on a sushi roll. As I kept eating them, the burn kept building. I ate about a half dozen of them and my whole mouth was on fire. My lips were burning, and continued to do so for minutes afterwards. I actually had to sniffle a few times, as the heat was making my nose run a little.
I have to say, I’m honestly blown away. These are the hottest chips I’ve ever eaten. I didn’t know you could actually make tortilla chips this hot. I’m not getting a lot of buffalo flavor (although the “fiery” part certainly is present), but I could see how these would be really great with a nice, thick ranch dip. I’m sorry, but throwing some Cool Ranch Doritos into the mix won’t help this time – you’re gonna need a pretty serious dairy product to cut through the heat.
The flavor is really kind of hard to describe…”burny” is all that comes to mind. But it’s kind of a good burn. I’ve always poo-pooed those people who like to eat super hot hot sauce. What’s the point of eating something if all you taste is pain? And yet, I really liked 2nd Degree Burn. The little masochist inside of me enjoyed the slow build of torture. I don’t think I would eat them all the time, but honestly, if I had some good ranch dip around, I could really lay into these guys, watching tv with a box of Kleenex nearby so I could blow my nose as snot runs down my face.
I’m impressed! And now terrified of 3rd Degree Burn Scorchin’ Habanero. I’m actually going to have to wait a while before eating them to get some feeling back in my mouth.
3rd Degree Burn Scorchin’ Habanero
Okay so seriously I’m a little scared. Take a look at what I’m up against:
AHHHHHHHHHHH
When I was taking pictures, before any actual tasting started, I saw these and thought, oh, these are just going to be like Flamin’ Hot Doritos, because of the coloration. I’ve never had Flamin’ Hot Doritos, but I’ve had the Cheetos, and they are delicious, but not really that hot. The most threatening thing about them is that the violently brightly colored flavor powder stains your fingers, letting the world know that you have recently indulged in some form of Flamin’ Hot junk food.
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Now, I am not so sure.
Well, there’s only one thing to do about it, and that is to eat them. Let’s get on with it, then! I feel like I should have some sort of spotter or sitter nearby. Maybe a LifeAlert necklace. C. Everett Coop is looking down at me disapprovingly from the afterlife.
Here we go…
SPOILER ALERT: I’m alive! And I didn’t even have to go to the hospital (yet). I actually feel like 3rd Degree is about as hot as 2nd Degree. Of course, 2nd Degree could have turned my tongue into a charred wasteland, rendering me incapable of noticing heat differences. I got the mouth and lip burn. Less sinus irritation; only one sniffle came out of it. But I did get some eye tearing with 3rd Degree, and I definitely feel it more in the throat area. While I was eating them, I got that choking, burning feeling, like when you accidentally swallow some hot, spicy pho broth the wrong way. Like I need to cough, or gag. Or make that gross “HUUUKKKGGGHHH” sound uncivilized guys make right before they hock a loogie on the ground. Even after having not eaten them for a little while, my esophagus feels a tad scorched. Scorchin’! Well done, Doritos.
I actually got a little more flavor (other than “ouchy”) out of 3rd Degree than 2nd. They taste a lot like Spicy Nacho Doritos. Spicy Nacho Doritos are the wimpy kid in middle school who gets bullied on his way home one day, and the next day his older brother, Scorchin’ Habanero, comes out and absolutely kicks the shit out of those little assholes, sending them running home crying to mama. Apparently my mouth is the gaggle of bullies, in this scenario. My mouth is misunderstood; life at home is hard, and…oh, nevermind. The burning isn’t going away as fast this time and I think it has spread to my brain and I can no longer think straight enough to complete an already poorly constructed analogy.
Doritos 1st, 2nd and 3rd Degree Burns kicked my ass, and I’m happy to say that. I’m so used to fast food gimmicks claiming to be hotter than Hades winding up being about as spicy as your grandmother’s love life that I severely underestimated Doritos. Frito-Lay comes out with a new gimmick approximately once a week, and it’s usually the same flavors we’ve seen before with a shiny new bow and a poorly-executed concept. This time, however, they took a solid concept and really ran with it. Okay, so 1st Degree Blazin’ Jalaepeño was a total rehash, but it still fit perfectly into the progression of Burns and is still a tasty product, even if this is its fourth iteration. Heck, even if 2nd and 3rd Degrees are also rehashes and I just don’t know/remember it, the overall theme is solid, fun, and goddamn painful. Painfully delicious!
Ask me to say that again tomorrow when I’m on the toilet cursing every good thing I ever said in this review while my digestive tract stages a grassroots rebellion against Frito-Lay.
Oh, and as a side note, Doritos Burns has a little cross-promo with Pepsi Max, which claims it will “cure the burn”. I think they would have been better off striking a deal with Hidden Valley.
Now, if you’ll excuse me, my mouth has a date with a wad of gauze.
Curses! This new Country Fried Steak ‘N’ Gravy Biscuit from Hardee’s looks like the culinary equivalent of a unicorn galloping across a rainbow. Country fried steak + biscuits and gravy = Serious Awesome. Unfortunately, I happen to live in a part of the country that thinks Carl’s Jr. when they see the Happy Star, not Hardee’s. The closest Hardee’s to me is approximately 982 miles away and it would take 18 hours and 12 minutes to drive there. Not that I considered doing such a thing. That would be silly, right?
