Junk Food Betty

Mountain Dew loves their limited edition sodas – I refer you to Pitch Black, Pitch Black II and Game Fuel – so their newest limited edition drink, available for only 12 weeks starting on August 10th, should come as no surprise. The twist on this drink is that it’s not just Mtn Dew UltraViolet – it’s Diet Mtn Dew UltraViolet, as in, diet only. Those of you who don’t appreciate the taste of aspartame, back the fuck off. This one’s for the fatties.

Actually, I was thinking about UltraViolet a little while after I’d made my purchase, because these are the types of things I choose to spend my brain’s cognitive powers on, trying to figure out Mountain Dew’s angle. Their limited edition drinks usually exist for some sort of purpose, regardless of how convoluted it may be. For example, Pitch Black only existed to make Halloween that much spookier, with its, um…spooky grape flavor. What is UltraViolet’s purpose in life, I wondered, possibly out loud. And then it came to me, like a flash of caffeinated lightning: Diet Mtn Dew UltraViolet is for the ladies.

Officially, according to director of Marketing Marisol Tamaro, “Over the years, we’ve had fantastic success with limited time regular Mountain Dew flavored line extensions. It felt like the right time to offer the same opportunity to Diet Dew fans.” I can imagine the hoards of diet soda-only drinkers crying out in rage over being unable to experience the tarty grapeness of Pitch Black II. Overtaking message boards, signing countless online petitions. Finally, Mountain Dew could ignore them no longer. Something had to be done, before they took to the streets, starting countless riots and creating anarchy that has never before been seen in the quiet suburban neighborhoods of middle America. UltraViolet was created to quench their ever-growing thirst for limited edition carbonated beverages.

Clever, Mountain Dew. Clever, but I see through your ruse. Let’s go over the evidence I have collected for my argument – UltraViolet was created to appeal to the mostly untapped female soda drinking audience.

Diet – Don’t get me wrong, diet is a big part of their marketing angle, but it’s not to give sugar-conscious dieters something to drink. It’s a subtle comment on our society’s view of the female body. Watch tv for five minutes and you’ll understand that every woman in America is watching their weight, counting calories, agonizing over their waistlines. Well, fret no longer, ladies! It’s a zero calorie Dew! Now you can do the Dew, just like the boys!

Color – Everyone knows that no woman can resist the siren call of pastels. Like a moth to a flame, they are drawn to the sweet, muted colors of Spring, the season of rebirth and probably making babies or something. UltraViolet seeks to soothe their sensitive palates with its gentle lavender color. Finally, a soft drink that will match my kitchen curtains! Don’t worry, pouring this beverage into a tall, clear, elegant glass won’t result in the ocular discomfort of regular Mountain Dew’s neon yellow coloring; instead, you’ll be transported to a luscious field, where wildflowers sway lightly in the breeze and horses run free. Mountain Dew, take me away!

Name – Women are delicate flowers, but there’s that side of them that wants to kick some ass every once in a while. UltraViolet seeks to play on that by invoking images from the 2006 movie of the same name, starring Milla Jovovich, with whom every female secretly wishes to have hot lesbian sex. As a result, when women see Diet Mtn Dew UltraViolet, they are immediately filled with the desire to karate kick a man in the balls while making out with Milla Jovovich, and this compels them to buy the drink. Nevermind that the movie Ultraviolet sucked; everybody knows that women have no taste, anyway.

I think I’ve established with these points that Mountain Dew is running a subversive campaign against the female sex, manipulating their many and myriad weaknesses in order to get them to buy the beverage company’s product. Now let’s see if it actually tastes any good, or if the product is all in the packaging.

As you can see, UltraViolet claims to have a “flash” of mixed berry flavor. I could spend a few more paragraphs wondering what the fuck a “flash” of flavor means in the context of a carbonated beverage, but I’ll just go ahead and assume it’s more subliminal trickery. Maybe they’re trying to reference hot flashes? Bad move, Mountain Dew. No woman wants to be reminded of the period of time in her life when her baby maker breaks and she becomes useless to society as a whole.

The smell upon opening the bottle reminds me strongly of Berry Blue Kool-Aid. Why does every damn thing I review on this site smell like Berry Blue Kool-Aid? Or, conversely, why does everything smell like Berry Blue Kool-Aid to me? Maybe I have a medical condition. Anyway, I guess it makes sense that it would smell like Berry Blue Kool-Aid; citric acid is listed as the second ingredient, and the “flash” of mixed berries is listed as “natural and artificial flavor”, the third ingredient.

At first, I couldn’t have even told you vaguely what it tasted like, because all I could taste was that overwhelming chemical presence that all diet sodas have. It dominates all flavors and leaves a thin film coating on the inside of your mouth. As you can tell, I’m not the biggest fan of diet sodas. Chemical presence aside, after a few more sips, the flavor started coming through. The sour, mouth-puckering citrus is definitely center stage here. Those with acid reflux, beware – here thar be dragons, the ones that spew acid into your esophagus every time you drink a glass of orange juice. The berry flavor comes as an aftertaste. Which berries, I couldn’t tell you, but just think of any cloyingly sweet, berry-flavored soda you’ve ever had, and that’ll do.

Aspartame aside, it could be worse. I like the lemony flavor, and you do actually catch some of that artificial berry, but I couldn’t imagine drinking a whole bottle of it. They went overboard with the artificial sweetener, resulting in a drink that is both too sweet and too chemical-y. However, if you’re a housewife who is watching her weight but just has to have a piece of chocolate during that time of the month, you don’t know what it is but you just crave chocolate, and boy those mood swings, yeesh, then maybe this drink will appeal to you. Just like Mountain Dew intended.

• Score: 3.5 out of 5 burgers for the drink, 5 out of 5 Valiums for the subliminal marketing campaign
• Price: $1.49, $0.99 on sale
• Size: 20 fluid oz.
• Purchased at: Albertson’s #980
• Nutritional Quirks: Aspartame has long been blamed for a variety of illnesses and diseases, despite being declared safe by the FDA. Roll the dice and drink up, ladies!