The King has gone mad. The source of his torment is as-yet unknown, but with the aristocracy, there’s a usual way these things happen.
There’s a new commercial circulating the airwaves. In it, the Burger King – stoic, expressionless – charges wildly through an otherwise banal office setting, startling erstwhile staff. Deep in a violent fugue, he attacks former friends and co-workers, body-checking them into walls, desks, and expensive office equipment. After some struggle, he is forcibly restrained, and a defiant soul cries out, “He’s insane! He’s only charging $3.99 for the Steakhouse XT Burger!” Though the rest of the narrative is cut short to shill said burger, I’m pretty sure we all know where this is going. But where did it begin? Looking back, the signs are all there.
Bacon Cheeseburger to scale.
Recently, Burger King has announced that their restaurants are now featuring elaborate new equipment, state-of-the-art broiling systems that will, according to this press release, bring rain to replenish dying crops, cure the common cold, and save your marriage. The new broilers will allow not only sweeping new paradigms of Burger King products, but will supposedly enhance the flavor of existing burgers. And that brings us to the new Steakhouse XT Burger.
The Burger in question is the apparently the biggest single-patty burger yet from the Burger King franchise. It’s celebrated as 30% larger than McDonald’s third-pounder Angus Burgers, for those that celebrate these things. Indeed, at 7 whopping (ha!) ounces, it encourages new vistas of fast food gluttony.
Behold my burger, ye mighty, and despair!
On the face of it, the Steakhouse XT looks like a mighty tasty burger. The patty is significantly more substantial than something you’d typically see in a fast food offering. I don’t know if it was because it was release night for the product, but the toppings I received on the burger, normally a tragedy, were quite good. The lettuce was crisp, the tomato fresh and cool, and the onions… well, okay, the onions appeared have been sitting out awhile. No one’s perfect. And contrary to venerable fast-food worker practice, no one immersed my sandwich in a condiment bath. The Junk Food Betty Product Acquisition Team did, however, have to endure a significant amount of delay, cast out from the drive-thru line to the side parking lot, to receive our purchase. But was it worth the wait?
Since this product is a demonstration of Burger King’s new magical cooking apparatus, this sandwich is all about the beef. The ample girth of the patty ensures that every bite showcases the flavor of Burger King’s flame-broiled burgers. As an ardent fan of the Whopper, I was deeply appreciative of the focus of this sandwich, highlighting BK’s meat ascendancy over McDonald’s, Wendy’s, and Carl’s Jr./Hardee’s. The toppings, as I mentioned, were high quality and complimented the burger well. The cornmeal-dusted bun rounded out the texture of each bite perfectly. Had I reviewed this sandwich without reading the previously-linked press release, I would’ve been completely satisfied.
Turns out, it's a sandwich.
Unfortunately, I read it beforehand. The Steakhouse XT Burger’s patty tastes identical to the BK patty you enjoy in any given BK product, it’s just larger. Sure, it’s more prevalent due to size, which is tasty, but where’s the glamour? It’s not bad, don’t get me wrong. It’s the flame-broiled Burger King flavor we all know and love, but I expected more from a broiling system as highly touted as this. The burger is also available with A1 sauce, and smokey BBQ sauce and cheddar, which may mask the status quo.
As I’m sure most of you already know, either because you’re a fan of the event or because your beloved NBC Thursday night lineup has been interrupted, the 2010 Winter Olympics are currently being held in Vancouver. Never one to miss a promotional opportunity, McDonald’s has introduced a new dipping sauce for their McNuggets – Sweet Chili Sauce – and they’re attempting to drum up interest in this limited time offering by tying it to the Olympics. How do these two things relate to each other, you ask? The answer: I have no goddamn clue. However, they are trying very, very hard to connect the two, and you know what happens when marketing teams try too hard, don’t you? Don’t you? If you’ve been reading this blog for any appreciable amount of time, you do. It’s called madness.
Once again, if you’ve been following JFB for a while, you’ve probably noticed that I’ve unconsciously developed a formula to my writing that goes something like this:
Intro paragraph, may or may not have anything to do with the product I’m reviewing.
Four or five paragraphs mocking the marketing of said product.
One, two if it’s lucky, paragraphs about how the food actually tastes.
Closing paragraph with summary and why you will probably hate it.
It’s not like I did this on purpose. It just sort of came to be. We humans are creatures of habit, I suppose. Well, today I’m going to break that habit. I’m going to tell you about the food first, and then I’m going to show you what McDonald’s thinks is the most effective way of getting you and I to buy it. We’re taking a train ride; it’s going to make a brief stop in Tasteville, and then it’s leaving the station and heading right to Crazy Town. Buckle up, kids; this could be a bumpy ride.
(Do trains have seat belts? I don’t think I’ve ever actually been on a train. Fuck it, trains have seat belts now. Sit down and shut up.)
First off, let me say that I had to go to McDonald’s twice, once again the victim of fast food employee incompetence. Last night I went and ordered, and asked the drive-thru speaker if they had the new Sweet Chili Sauce. “Sweet and Sour?” she replied. I wanted to sit her down right then and there and educate her about how different words mean different things. “You see, honey, ‘chili’ and ‘sour’ do not mean the same thing!” One wonders how she functions in the world, with such a debilitating learning disorder. Anyway, after I repeated the question, got the message across, and was told no, we don’t have that,I took the McNuggets off my order, discouraged.
When I drove up to the window to get my food, there was a man wearing a tie handing it to me, and seeing a tie behind the counter of a McDonald’s screams “manager”, so I asked him if he knew when they would be getting the Sweet Chili Sauce in. “We already have it,” he replied. Well, I’d already taken the nuggets off my order, and I didn’t feel like being a pain in the ass, so I just left. My discouragement transformed into a mild, frustrated rage. There’s something about getting fucked over by fast food employees that just pisses me off. If a new item comes out, they should know about it. I got even more enraged when I got home and saw the bag that my burgers (figured I’d get dinner while I was there) came in:
IT’S ON THE FUCKING BAG, MOTHERFUCKER! The sauce is right on the goddamn bag. A bag that you are surrounded by, day in and day out, that you probably handle dozens, if not hundreds, of times a day. IT IS ON THE BAG.
I made a second trip to McDonald’s today. A different McDonald’s, of course. There was no problem obtaining Sweet Chili Sauce this time. The chick who took my money even gave me the sauce before I got the nuggets, informing me that the button for the sauce did not yet exist, and she wanted to make sure I got them. That was very thoughtful of you, lady order-and-money-taker. You should go down the street and talk to the other lady order taker.
McDonald's Version
I won’t even go into the McNuggets. I have to imagine that 99% of people reading this have had a McNugget at some point in their lives. For the other one percent: tastes like a chicken nugget. Mushed up chicken meat, formed into little chunks, breaded, fried. Glad we got that out of the way.
What I Got
That’s not bad photography, although I would understand if you thought that, considering my past photographic endeavors. In real life, the sauce is much darker.
The sauce is a very deep red, and if you hold it in just the right light, you can see little red pepper flakes spread throughout the sauce, which is a good thing, since they are listed as an ingredient. Cayenne pepper is also listed, so there’s your “spicy”. When you get your nose up close, there’s a strong vinegar scent with what smells like a spicy barbecue sauce. Off to a fairly good start.
I was surprised by the consistency. It seems less like a sauce and more like a glaze. Just trying it straight off my finger, I was very pleased with the flavor. The sweet is what you taste first, but it’s not sweet in the way that candy is sweet; it’s that kind of sweet that goes well with savory, like sweet and sour sauce. At first, I was a little disappointed by the spicy side of Sweet Chili Sauce, but as I ate more (still off my finger, like a savage), the heat gradually built up, plateauing at a level of heat that was just right. As a whole, the sauce tastes sort of like a combination of orange chicken glaze and a mild barbecue sauce. They work well together.
On a McNugget, the flavors are more muted, but they don’t disappear altogether. You get more of the orange chicken glaze than the barbecue on the nugget, and it seems to mute the heat a little as well, but it still holds up. I also appreciate the thickness of the sauce – no worries about sauce dripping on your nice blouse as you wolf down an unhealthy lunch right before that important meeting. Although I imagine the number of successful businesswomen ordering chicken nuggets from McDonald’s for lunch is fairly low.
I didn’t really hold any expectations for Sweet Chili Sauce going in. I figured it could go either way. Fortunately, it went the right way. I usually like to keep my sweets away from my savories, but I really enjoyed this dip. It does live up to its claims of being sweet and spicy, which makes me think they should have gone with that instead of “Sweet Chili”. Just seems more appropriate to me. I would totally get this dip again the next time I order some McNuggets, but considering that this is the first time I’ve eaten McNuggets since I was probably twelve years old, I have a feeling we won’t be running into each other much in the future. Actually, that’s pretty much a done deal, because Sweet Chili Sauce is only sticking around as long as the Olympics are, so if you want to try it, you’d better get your butt down to a McDonald’s pretty soon. Except don’t go to McDonald’s #11427, because they employ dirty, dirty liars.
Now, here is where we arrive at Crazy Town, aka The McNuggets Village. Meant to vaguely resemble an Olympic village, different buildings offer different activities and nugget-related items, which I will break down for your pleasure.
McDonald’s Restaurant
There’s the actual McDonald’s, which explains the connection between the Olympics and Sweet Chili Sauce: “McDonald’s is bringing you the taste of the Vancouver 2010 Olympic Winter Games – new Sweet Chili Sauce, the perfect blend of sweet and spicy.” This sentence is pretty amazing, because not only does it absolutely not explain the connection between Sweet Chili Sauce and the Olympics, but it also describes Sweet Chili Sauce as “sweet and spicy”. Never before have I seen a sentence that manages to offer absolutely no information whatsoever. It’s like a rich man burning a hundred dollar bill – there’s no purpose or reason to it whatsoever. It is a waste of words, space, and my time.
Athletes Dorm
Oh what the motherfuck. “How do you McNugget?” They want me to accept the word “McNugget” as a verb, now? No. No. I refuse. I can’t even bear to watch the videos of Olympian athletes, people who have worked very hard every day of their lives to excel at one athletic feat, talking about how they McNugget. My head would explode.
Victory Club
Here, you can enter a sweepstakes to win a trip to the 2012 Summer Olympics. All you have to do is answer a few questions about how Olympians, sigh, McNugget. Just go to the Athletes Club, watch the videos, and answer accordingly. I have entirely too much pride to participate in any of this nonsense.
McNuggets Stadium
This is where the wheels really come off the tracks. I don’t feel that I need to use too many words here; the pictures will say it all. I will tell you how McDonald’s explains this surreal little activity, though: “You’ll see athletes from all over the world pass it, spin it, dunk it and attack it. Get the inside scoop on the games they play – and see what it all means in the Wide World of McNuggets.” Showing all of them to you would take too long, so I just chose the ones I found particularly…interesting.
Let’s just…let’s just do this.
Junk Food Betty translation: Be a selfish bastard to your friends. Sharing does NOT mean caring, apparently.
Junk Food Betty translation: Make a heart shape with your hands to confuse and distract the person eating McNuggets in the booth next to you, then steal their last McNugget. Being an asshole isn’t just for friends; you can do it with strangers, too.
Junk Food Betty translation: What the fuck? Who does this? Who puts a McNugget on their poorly-cleaned table and then proceeds to slide it across the table, presumably over the edge, into an impossibly small tub of sauce, both of which will then tumble onto the ground? If you are doing this in a McDonald’s, you will be asked to leave. If you are doing this at home, you’ve just stained your carpet with Sweet Chili Sauce, and your dog is now eating the McNugget. This is not a “common act”. Nobody does this.
Junk Food Betty translation: You fucking mooch, you already stole my last McNugget the other day, and now you want me to give you another one, after you already stuffed your face with your own 12-piece? I’ve had enough of your bullshit, buddy. Get your stuff together and get out of my house. You will never sleep on my couch again.
Junk Food Betty translation: You fat, gluttonous fuck. That is disgusting. I can’t even finish my own lunch after watching you shove two McNuggets at a time down your gaping maw. I’m getting out of here. Feel free to make a Critical fucking Grab when I’m gone.
Future Gold Training Center
This is where you can meet the McDonald’s Champion Kids. I do not know why they are Champions. The videos of them that are presented would probably tell me why, but I don’t care. Here’s what I really care about: “They’ve come from all over the United States to experience the games, meet their hero athletes, and see the Olympic Values of Friendship, Excellence, and Respect in action.”
I sure do hope that the Champion Kids are not allowed inside McNuggets Stadium, because all that Friendship, Excellence, and Respect are going to go right out the window once they read the McNuggets translation of various sports terms. As you can see above, McNuggets believe in Begging, Gluttony, Stealing, and Unsanitary Eating Conditions. These are the Values that McNuggets believe will turn you into Champion Kids and responsible members of society in the future. God help us all.
Also, I hate hate hate inappropriate capitalization. I hate you so much, McNuggets Village.
Score: 4 out of 5 chicken nuggets on the floor
Price: Free, but $3.88 for the McNuggets
Size: Two 1 oz. tubs of sauce; 6 nuggets
Purchased at: McDonald’s store #I don’t remember because I lost the damn receipt
Nutritional Quirks: More of a glaze than a sauce; not sure where “chili” fits in.
Note: I actually wrote the bulk of this review on Tuesday, February 16, which is when I purchased the McNuggets, but I was so overwhelmed by the website that I’m just today finishing it up. So please note that all references of dates and times are from the 16th.
There’s just something delightful about exclusivity.
As hierarchical, social animals, we just can’t help being thrilled about getting something over on the other guy. It’s an issue of status, a way of waggling your tongue and informing another human being that you got something he didn’t. You can fight it, you can feel guilty, but in the end, exclusivity feels damned good. And that’s why I was filled with joy when retrieving the mail today, and beholding this:
Providence!
I hadn’t previously seen any advertising on this product, either television or Internet. There were no tigers jumping through hoops or other assorted gimcrackery. And on the back of the flyer were coupons for KFC’s Fiery Grilled Wings, still touted as the new kid on the block, and a harsh warning that the product was available only for a limited time. To the mind obsessed with new junk food and fast food releases, an individual who tracks product launches with the cold eye of a cobra tracking its prey, this means only one thing: test market.
Indeed, research appeared to bear this out. I was hard-pressed to find any information about it at all. And yet, once the filthy and howling Junk Food Betty Product Acquisition Team rolled up to the local KFC, their new Sweet & Spicy Glazed Grilled Chicken was served up lickety-split in an eight-piece bucket combo, with nary a scratched head or furrowed brow. This leads to the obvious question, however:
What kind of batshit loco marketing executive decides to test a new product in Mesa, Arizona? This town is basically the Mormon Tabernacle with a shopping mall. Sure, they could be releasing in the full Phoenix Greater Metropolitan area, but even then, this isn’t the place for test chicken. You test new kinds of ammunition in the Valley of the Sun. You test belt buckle designs, and pickup trucks. You release new varieties of illicit, home-brewed methamphetamines to determine overall percentage of consumer deaths. Maybe you demonstrate new air conditioning technologies in August, when everyone’s eyes have acquired that Cujo-sick sheen that accompanies months of brain-searing heat. But you don’t test chicken. Not if you know what’s good for you.
Frothing tirade aside, we were overjoyed to have first dibs on a new product that may or may not be released nationwide. We seized KFC’s Sweet & Spicy Glazed Grilled Chicken, clutched it to our breast, hissed menacingly at the man working the window, and sped off into the night. We proudly, reverently sang the names of all the cities, towns, villages, and unincorporated townships (I’m looking at you, half of Michigan) in the United States that were deprived of our prize. And then things went wrong.
While traveling to the Junk Food Betty Product Testing and Judgment Labs, the car began to fill with a unique aroma. Normally, when exiting KFC, this is an ineffable experience; the ambrosial smell of chicken and no less than 11 herbs and spices fill the passenger cabin, triggering hosts of primal, back-brain responses. The nostrils flare. The mouth waters. The pupil dilate. And you don’t even want to know what happens below the head. This time, I was filled only with trepidation.
Imagine, if you will, walking into a Panda Express. Keep that smell in your mind. Now imagine driving a brand new car. You close your eyes, inhaling deeply of the intoxicating odor of factory-fresh polymers. And, while your eyes are closed, you go careening onto the sidewalk and crash directly into the dining room of a Panda Express, scattering panicked diners and staff alike, flinging cheap furniture about like an enraged giant. That’s what this chicken smelled like: Panda Express and new car smell.
I, for one, suffered a drop in enthusiasm.
Drive safely.
When I got it home, I had a moment of Holmes-like deduction: the chicken was in a plastic bag while it was in the car. And indeed, upon liberating the bucket from its polyurethane oubliette, the plastic smell was less pervasive. So a better visual might be walking into a Panda Express holding a new iPod under your nose like a crazy person. Then came the tasting.
I heartily enjoy KFC’s grilled chicken. If you’ve experienced KFC’s grilled chicken before, your attention will first be drawn to KFC Sweet & Spicy Glazed Grilled Chicken’s Sweet & Spicy Glaze:
Don't make any plans.
The glaze, in a word, is thick. Jam thick. Napalm thick. It sticks to absolutely everything, and this is especially true of your fingers. KFC Sweet & Spicy Glazed Grilled Chicken is something for which you need to plan. There will be no flipping of channels, no fast-forwarding through commercials on your DVR, no chit-chatting on the Internet with friends. You will not update your Faceyspaces. A lone wing of this chicken will turn your fingers into a sticky mess, a honey-glazed horrorshow from which there is no reprieve. Invest in napkins. Buy a four-pack of paper towels. Bar the door, board the windows, turn out the lights. You’re aboard the sticky chicken train, and you’re going to ride it all the way.
As for flavor, take Panda Express Orange Chicken. Toss in some cayenne and chile flake (used in the Fiery Grilled Wings). Drive it through a plate glass window. You have KFC Sweet & Spicy Glazed Grilled Chicken. Furthermore, the glaze seems to make the normally, deliciously crisp skin a bit soggy. It isn’t terrible, and on the bright side, it does have a little heat, which is more than I can say for other “spicy” fast food offerings, such as the Taco Bell Volcano line. And Panda Express Orange Chicken ain’t bad, especially when spiced up with chiles. Just don’t expect to be blown away. Or hit by a rogue car.
Score: 2.5 out of 5 head-on collisions
Price: $19.44
Size: Eight-piece combo with 2 sides and 4 biscuits
Purchased at: KFC #X900041 (from the future?)
Nutritional Quirks: May contain glue and/or car paint and/or the blood of the unlucky.
“So eat a little later. No harm in that. Dinners can be reheated. After all, this isn’t just some ordinary, been in the bag for who knows how long pretzel. No. This is fresh. This is warm. This is a taste unto itself.”
Auntie Anne sure does make her pretzels sound delicious. And they are, as anyone who has ever spent more than an hour in a mall knows. So head down to your local Giant Building Full of Stores and Screaming Children and getcha self a free pretzel on Saturday, February 20, 2010 from 10am – 3pm. Note: offer is good only on original or cinnamon sugar flavors. Which is a shame, since the jalapeño pretzel is my favorite. No word on if you get a free dip with your pretzel, but if you do, I recommend the Hot Salsa Cheese. I just can’t resist spicy, completely unnatural cheese dips.
I have to start out this review by saying that it would not have happened were it not for the courageous efforts of the man who mailed this bag of Doritos Late Night All-Nighter Cheeseburger Chips to me. A friend of mine alerted me to this new flavor of Doritos, saying that his friend had recently consumed them. Soon afterward, said friend emailed me, urging me to review them. I was more than willing to do so; alas, due to my location, which gets no love from the test market homies, I was unable to procure this product.
All hope was not lost, however. This friend-of-a-friend generously offered to mail me a bag, and so I gave my mailing address to a man that I had corresponded with via email exactly twice, relying on my friend’s word that he is a reputable member of society. Don’t tell my mother; she’ll have a heart attack.
A box arrived in my mailbox soon after the email. I have to mention that I am amused to no end at the image of a big city District Attorney, on his lunch break, resplendent in his pressed business suit, possibly with his DA ID tag still hanging off his lapel, going down to his local Post Office and declaring to the employee at the counter that yes, I am mailing a bag of Doritos Late Night All-Nighter Cheeseburger Tortilla Chips. I’m sure it was one of the prouder moments in his life. I thank you, good sir, for debasing yourself on my behalf. Your efforts are greatly appreciated.
Fortunately for me, the box did indeed contain a bag of chips, and not a decomposing severed head, or a bomb, or a decomposing severed head with a bomb in it. That would have been a much more difficult review. Maybe. I haven’t actually tried the chips yet, so we’ll see. We’ll also see if the bag contains actual chips and not just a mass of crumbs, due to its travel cross-country courtesy of the US Postal system.
I’ve commented on the insanity of Doritos’ marketing team before, and I’m sure that they will continue making bizarre products that will cause me to comment on it again. However, in all fairness, I have to say that their Late Night line of chips was the impetus that finally motivated me to stop just talking about making Junk Food Betty and actually get it up and running. You see, this is not the first Late Night offering. Before All-Nighter Cheeseburger, there were two other offerings – Tacos at Midnight and Last Call Jalapeño Popper. You can read a review of the former here and of the latter here. I’d love to be able to link you to my own reviews of both of these chips, but back then, I was doing reviews on my sad little LiveJournal account, and I have too much pride to link you to that. Suffice to say, writing about these two Late Night offerings finally convinced me that the world needed to see the insanity that is the junk food world, and LiveJournal was not the way to make that happen. Thank you, Doritos, for being so insane. You inspired me to make a real website that makes me spend money on ridiculous foods and brings in zero income. Thanks. Really.
Doritos’ press release for All-Nighter Cheeseburger actually sheds a little light on how the Late Night line was born. “We’ve learned that snacking at night is important to our loyal consumers because they’re usually hungry after a night out with friends, and it serves as a key social occasion to relax and unwind with those friends…The trick was to find out what they were eating at night and then turn those foods into delicious Doritos flavors.” This comes from the mouth of Associate Marketing Manager Julia Wells.
A well-worded explanation. However, I think I can translate this comment into what really happened:
“Kids these days,” said some middle-aged white guy sitting in a meeting room full of other middle-aged white guys at 8am on a Monday, “Kids these days, they stay out all hours of the night, drinking their Jaegermeisters and their tequila, whooping and hollering and carrying on. We need to find out what these drunken layabouts eat before they crash out on the bathroom floor at 4am, and we need to turn it into chips, and give it a hip name that will make them say, ‘Hey, these chips have a name that sounds like you should eat them when you’re drunk! And the flavor sounds like things I eat when I’m drunk! I need to buy these chips!’ That is what we need to do to bring in those no-good lushes.”
And so, Tacos at Midnight, Last Call Jalapeño Popper, and now, All-Nighter Cheeseburger were born. I’m on tenterhooks waiting to see what they come up with next. Let’s be honest, here; drunken college-aged kids will eat anything when they stagger home late at night. I’d like to see some more realistic offerings in the future. Here are just a few of my suggestions:
Late Night 24-Hour Diner Greasy Bacon and Eggs
Late Night Lost Pants Cold Can of Refried Beans with a Spoon
Late Night Sleeping Roommate Pizza That’s Been Sitting on the Stove for Three Days (although, to be fair, they already have that flavor in Collisions Pizza Cravers and Ranch)
Late Night Didn’t Score Improperly Microwaved Ramen
Doritos, if I see any of these flavors on grocery shelves in the future, I’m expecting some serious kickbacks from you guys!
The night is calling, people, and you better answer the damn phone before it goes to voicemail, or else the night is going to be super pissed, because it knows you’re home, and it’s tired of you blowing it off to hang out with the daytime. What’s so fun about daytime, anyways? Ohhh, she’s got a sun, and the mall is open. Big fucking deal.
Oh, no, wait, I read that wrong. You’re supposed to satisfy your craving with these chips. Phew, close call. Anyway, I always obey the back of chip bags, so let’s get on with this.
Hooray! Lots of chips, not so many crumbs! I had my doubts when I was handling the bag. Way to pack, big city District Attorney! If that whole prosecuting criminals thing falls through, you have a bright future at The UPS Store.
The flavor powder is pretty consistent with other Doritos; some get an over it, some are underflavored, but the majority have a fairly even coating. The smell when you open the bag is overwhelmingly of ketchup and pasteurized processed cheese product. Which is good coming from the angle of replicating a shitty burger bought at 2am, but not so great when you realize that these are chips. Not a good chip smell. Not good.
I forgot to mention earlier that this is not the first time Doritos has produced a cheeseburger-inspired chip. In 2007, Doritos introduced the “X-13D Experiment”, another crazy-ass marketing gimmick wherein you have an “objective”. The bag was simple and black, and had a little hint on the front that said “Tasting notes: All-American Classic”. Basically, they were implementing the “guess the mystery flavor” trick. On that other website I don’t like to talk about, I described them as tasting like “crappy McDonald’s hamburgers”. Which is exactly what All-Nighter Cheeseburger chips smell like. Will I be reliving that wonderful experience I had in 2007?
Answer: yes. I have to say, they really did nail what a shitty cheeseburger tastes like. As soon as you start chewing, there’s a bouqet of flavors assaulting you. The ketchup hits first, then the crappy cheese, along with an unsettling meaty flavor that makes you seriously wonder what ingredients have been added that would give a tortilla chip the ability to taste “meaty”. That’s just wrong. There’s even an faint onion/pickle finish as you break the chip down. How are they doing this? There’s only one answer: Doritos has finally turned to the dark arts. God help us all.
I gotta hand it to Doritos, black magic or no, they fucking nailed cheeseburger. I don’t know how they did it, but it’s all there. During some of the more destitute times of my life, I relied heavily on the $1 double cheeseburger from McDonald’s Value Menu in order to, well, not die. I am intimately familiar with how that burger tastes, and this chip tastes like that hamburger. I happen to appreciate the taste of McDonald’s shitty double cheeseburger, but I can see how other people would not. There’s just something about that crappy, terrible burger that I really enjoy. Now that I’m moderately less poor, I can afford bigger and better hamburgers for sustenance, but the shitty burger is still an occasional guilty pleasure.
So, you’re thinking to yourself, Junk Food Betty is all thumbs up on the Doritos Late Night All-Nighter Cheeseburger Chips, right?
Answer: no. Here’s the long and short of it: just because you can make something, doesn’t always mean you should. These chips are literally unsettling. It’s like that scene in Alien Resurrection where Ridley comes upon that room with all those fucked-up clones of herself. These chips are an abomination that never should have happened. It’s not about tasting bad; it’s about tasting wrong. Good for you, Doritos, you made a tortilla chip taste just like a cheeseburger. Except now your creation is writhing around on the floor, its deformed and contorted body leaving a trail of bloody mucus behind it as it struggles just to move, dragging its unnatural form pathetically as it cries out in a garbled voice, “kill me”. Doritos Late Night All-Nighter Cheeseburger Tortilla Chips, you’re making everyone very uncomfortable.
Score: 1.5 out of 5 decomposing severed heads with bombs inside
Price: Free! I don’t know whether to thank big city District Attorney again or track him down via the return address on the box and beat him with a sock full of Doritos and batteries.
Size: 11 1/2 oz. bag
Purchased at: My mailbox
Nutritional Quirks: I could read the back of the bag and find out exactly what ingredients make a tortilla chips taste meaty, but I fear for my sanity. Some things are better left unknown.
Note: Foodette Reviews also a review of All-Nighter Cheeseburger Doritos. She favored them much more than I did.
Today, we’re looking at Cheetos Crunchy Wild White Cheddar Snacks. I like that they just call them “snacks” on the bag, because I was wondering what exactly to call them. Chips? Weird lumpy corn sticks? No. Snacks. Cheetos is the Herb and Jamaal of the snack world. Approximately one person reading this will understand that joke.
Cheetos are famous, of course, for being the favored snack of video game-playing nerds living in their mothers’ basements. I don’t know how or why this happened, but it’s true. Cheetos doesn’t really fuck around with flavors; there’s the classic orange, Flamin’ Hot, and a couple of other ones that nobody’s heard of or cares about. Unlike Doritos, who releases a new flavor every two days, the original Cheetos are immediately what you’ll think of when you hear the name. Cheetos. Orange dust-covered fingers. Nerds.
But now there’s Wild White Cheddar, which, according to Frito-Lay’s official press release, has existed before. I had never heard of them before, but Frito-Lay says it was a “popular flavor”, so I guess I’m just an asshole who hasn’t been paying attention. It’s also available for a limited time only, starting in late January and ending mid-February. That is, indeed, a very limited time. Kind of makes you wonder why they’re releasing them at all. Hardly seems worth the effort. I guess they’re banking on tools like me, who will buy any junk food that has a limited run. I can’t imagine there are that many of us out there.
I’m not entirely sure what makes this flavor so “wild”, but hey, I’m all for alliteration. Chester does seem pretty damn enthusiastic about putting that Cheeto in his mouth, even though it actually seems larger than his already enormous mouth. Actually, if you look closely, it looks like we’ve caught Chester in the act of tripping over a Wild White Cheddar Cheeto laying on the ground. Maybe he’s reaching out desperately towards the Cheeto, trying to grab onto it in the hopes that it will stop his fall. That Cheeto cannot help you, my friend. Your face has a date with the floor. Maybe he’ll get lucky and land on that wedge of white cheddar down there. I could think of worse surfaces on which to perform a faceplant.
Flipside gettin’ crazy with the fonts, yo. It’s a little hard to read from the picture, so let me help you out:
CAUTION!
These CHEETOS snacks are DANGEROUSLY CHEESY
So if you need to keep your hands clean, don’t even THINK about opening this bag!
BUT…
if you’re willing to get some
WHITE
CHEESY
DELICIOUSNESS
all over your fingers, open up
AND ENJOY!
I can’t tell if they’re trying to entice me to eat the snacks or terrify me into running out of the chip aisle of my local grocery store, blathering incoherently about my hands being unclean, so unclean. People with OCD, Wild White Cheddar Cheetos are not for you. But you’ve probably already figured that out.
I’m also not very comfortable with the sentence “If you’re willing to get some WHITE CHEESY DELICIOUSNESS all over your fingers, open up and ENJOY!” Think, Cheetos marketing team. Just…just take a few moments in the meeting and think about the words that you are putting together to form a sentence.
Not much of a cheesy smell present when you open the bag. What comes through more is the smell of corn meal, which is what Cheetos are made of. It’s kind of weird to see Cheetos not dressed up in their signature neon orange powder. The white cheddar powder is barely visible on the light yellow Cheeto, causing them to look naked. I’m sorry you have to suffer this indignity, Cheetos.
The cheese taste in Wild White Cheddar Cheetos is much more subtle than it is in original Cheetos, and it’s also less tangy. The snacks taste mostly like that generic artificial cheese flavor that you’d find on other foods, with just a hint of what could pass for white cheddar. They’re not bad, but they’re not exactly exciting. The more understated flavor of Wild White Cheddar means that more of the corn meal taste of the Cheeto comes through, which could be a good thing or a bad thing, I guess. For me personally, it’s a negative. Ninety percent of the time, when I’m eating a snack food, I consider the chip (or “snack”) to be nothing more than the delivery vessel for the flavor powder, and if it’s a naked chip, it belongs in a dip. Maybe that makes me a jerk, I dunno. That’s just the way I feel.
Cheetos Crunchy Wild White Cheddar Snacks are boring. There, I said it. If I had a serious hankering for a cheese-flavored snack and these were the only things available, yeah, I’d eat them. Like I said, they’re not bad, they’re just old news in the flavor department. Despite supposedly being white cheddar, they end up tasting like just another artificially cheese-flavored product. On the plus side, the white powder won’t stain your fingers like original Cheetos (or especially Flamin’ Hots) will, so you don’t have to hide the secret shame that you’ve recently been shoving Cheetos down your maw.
According to Frito-Lay, these snacks are only going to be available for a couple more weeks. So if you have a burning desire to see for yourself what mediocrity can taste like, you better move fast.
Score: 2 out of 5 teeth knocked out of Chester’s mouth after his fall
Price: $2.99
Size: 8 oz. bag
Purchased at: Fry’s Foods
Nutritional Quirks: White cheesy deliciousness all over your fingers. That doesn’t really have anything to do with nutrition, I just wanted to type it again.
Junk food and fast food reviews from a leftist perspective. We eat it so you don't have to!
As I’m sure most of you already know, either because you’re a fan of the event or because your beloved NBC Thursday night lineup has been interrupted, the 2010 Winter Olympics are currently being held in Vancouver. Never one to miss a promotional opportunity, McDonald’s has introduced a new dipping sauce for their McNuggets – Sweet Chili Sauce – and they’re attempting to drum up interest in this limited time offering by tying it to the Olympics. How do these two things relate to each other, you ask? The answer: I have no goddamn clue. However, they are trying very, very hard to connect the two, and you know what happens when marketing teams try too hard, don’t you? Don’t you? If you’ve been reading this blog for any appreciable amount of time, you do. It’s called madness.
From Auntie’s website:
I have to start out this review by saying that it would not have happened were it not for the courageous efforts of the man who mailed this bag of Doritos Late Night All-Nighter Cheeseburger Chips to me. A friend of mine alerted me to this new flavor of Doritos, saying that his friend had recently consumed them. Soon afterward, said friend emailed me, urging me to review them. I was more than willing to do so; alas, due to my location, which gets no love from the test market homies, I was unable to procure this product.
Today, we’re looking at Cheetos Crunchy Wild White Cheddar Snacks. I like that they just call them “snacks” on the bag, because I was wondering what exactly to call them. Chips? Weird lumpy corn sticks? No. Snacks. Cheetos is the Herb and Jamaal of the snack world. Approximately one person reading this will understand that joke.
