Yearly Archives: 2011

Junk Food

Ruffles Loaded Chili & Cheese and Molten Hot Wings Potato Chips

17 Comments

Ruffles are not one of Frito-Lay’s products that gets a lot of new family members. Doritos seem to fuck like rabbits, producing a new flavor every two seconds, and Cheetos get a lot of play, but Ruffles are just…Ruffles. Ridged and thicker than Lay’s, original Ruffles are the perfect chip for dipping. There’s a few flavors, like Authentic Barbecue and Sour Cream & Onion, but they’re pretty pedestrian. I do have to say, I love their Cheddar & Sour Cream. But generally, Ruffles have been one of the quietest of all the Frito-Lay children.

Until now! Ruffles has come out with not one, but two new Ruffles flavors, and I’m excited about both of them. Molten Hot Wings and Loaded Chili & Cheese? Hells yeah, sign me up for flavor country! I would have just been happy with Hot Wings, but these are Molten Hot Wings. Chili & Cheese gets my blood pumping (Fritos Chili Cheese chips rock), but these are Loaded Chili & Cheese. How are they loaded? Onions on top? Sour cream? Or just really drunk? It is a mystery, and I hope it’s a delicious one.

You might be thinking that Frito-Lay just up and decided to give Ruffles some love. But there’s an ulterior motive going on here. A sinister ulterior motive.

Okay it’s not that sinister. It’s just silly.

If you read Frito-Lay’s Snack Chat blog, and I know you don’t, you would know that there’s a theme going on here. Ruffles Molten Hot Wing and Loaded Chili & Cheese are being released with a buddy, Doritos Pizza Supreme. Are you seeing a theme here? Have you noticed that, on some recent Sundays, there’s suddenly the smell of grilling and the sound of yelling in the air? Did you perhaps wonder when church got so damn exciting? If so, you’re probably a nerd who doesn’t watch sports. This means you probably didn’t know the Super Bowl is happening this Sunday. A friend of mine called the Super Bowl a “football contest” today. I’m pretty sure he didn’t get the theme.

In other words, yes: Frito-Lay is trying to convince you that, instead of making (or ordering) real hot wings, chili cheese dip, and pizza for your big Super Bowl party, you should just lay out three big bowls full of these chips. Don’t take it from me, they pretty much lay it out like that in the blog: “The crunch of Ruffles Original with the bold, hearty flavors of chili cheese and hot wings. Who needs a meal when you’ve got these to snack on?”

I NEED A MEAL. If I were to go to someone’s Super Bowl party and see nothing but Ruffles laid out on the coffee table, I would overturn the table in a fit of rage, break a bottle of beer over it, and stab the party host in the face. Motherfucker trying to just feed me chips. I bet the beer is non-alcoholic, too. Bitch be trippin’.

Leaving behind any talk of food/chip substitutions and physical assault, let’s just see how they taste.

Loaded Chili and Cheese

After looking at the back of the bag, I now see what they mean by loaded: “You know that dream where all your favorite food is piled high and ready to go? It’s not a dream. It’s Ruffles Loaded Chili & Cheese Flavor. Chili? Check. Cheese? Heck yeah. Onions and peppers. Bingo. Now put all that on a chip. Pinch yourself, you’re really awake. Okay, now hit yourself. Oh well, it was worth a shot.”

I want to find the person that wrote this little gem. I’ve seen some pretty out there back-of-bag descriptions, but this one is just plain funny. First of all, I don’t think I’ve ever had that dream. And if I did have that dream, it would look more like a steak smothered in onion dip, artichoke dip, pesto and cheese sauce, bangers and mash, all topped off with a pickle. Somehow that doesn’t sound too appetizing.

By the way, I punched myself in the face after I finished reading the bag. I always obey the bag.

Unsurprisingly, Loaded Chili & Cheese Ruffles taste a hell of a lot like Chili Cheese Fritos. Heck, they probably just used the same flavor powder with some minor modifications. But you know what? I don’t care. I love Chili Cheese Fritos and I love Chili Cheese Ruffles. They don’t taste exactly the same, since Ruffles are potato chips and Fritos are corn chips, but it works either way.

If you’ve never had Chili Cheese Fritos before, let me explain the Ruffles for you. They basically taste like chili powder mixed with cheese powder. There’s also a little onion and garlic flavors thrown in there, too. The Ruffles do have some different ingredients than the Fritos, which results in a larger depth of flavor, particularly in the onion region. I couldn’t really taste any peppers, but that’s okay. I don’t really consider peppers to be a standard in chili cheese dip, but maybe that’s just me.

Loaded Chili & Cheese Ruffles get a thumbs up in my book. The chili flavor is pretty aggressive, which may not appeal to some pussies people, but I found it to be just right.

Molten Hot Wings

Let’s check out what kind of crazy is on the back of this bag! “You. Your buds. The game… What’s missing? One word, “Wings.” Dripping with sauce and ready to wash down with your favorite beverage(s). Wait, it gets better. It’s Ruffles Molten Hot Wings Flavor and it’s all on a chip. So now what’s missing? Two words, ‘personal cheerleaders.’ Dream big, chief.”

First of all, you’re not doing a very good job of selling these chips as a replacement for hot wings. “What’s missing? Meaty chicken wings covered in delicious sauce. You know what’s better? Eating potato chips.” Not exactly the same experience.  Most guys would choose meat over potato chips.

Speaking of guys, what kind of sexist fuck wrote this blurb? Personal cheerleaders? “Chief”? Don’t call me chief. I am a motherfucking lady, you punk-ass little bitch. How dare you assume that only guys are going to eat Molten Hot Wings? My outrage is palpable.

I wouldn’t mind some hot personal cheerleaders, however. The more vapid, the better! Honey I ain’t paying you to talk, I’m paying you to cheer me on every time I finish another beer. Or someone makes a touchdown or something. Whatever.

Given the picture on the bag and the whole “molten” angle, I expected these chips to be fire engine red. Not so much. Don’t be deceived, however; these chips pack a surprising punch. They’re pretty fierce, but in a buffalo sauce sort of way more than say, a jalapeño spicy sort of way. My mouth puckered. That signature vinegar component of buffalo sauce is definitely there.

There was an underlying flavor that I had trouble identifying, until it finally hit me: chicken. Son of a- I’M TIRED OF BEING AMBUSHED BY MEAT-FLAVORED CHIPS! DAMN YOU AND YOUR FLAVOR SORCERY, FRITO-LAY!

Honestly though, once I got done shaking my fist in the air and yelling at a snack food manufacturer while standing alone in the middle of my kitchen, I gave them a second try and really didn’t find the chicken undertone all that bad. I would say it’s the least disturbing of all the meat-flavored chips I’ve tried. Molten Hot Wings Ruffles would hit it off pretty well with some ranch dip. While not exactly molten, they do pack some heat, and I’ll forgive Ruffles just for using the word “molten”. I’m a big fan of creative adjectives in snack foods. And it sure as hell beats “XTREME”.

I’m glad to see Ruffles getting more flavors. Fortunately, I actually enjoyed both Loaded Chili & Cheese and Molten Hot Wings, even though the former seems to just be a slightly different iteration of Chili Cheese Fritos and the latter has an undertone of…chicken. I’d still cut a bitch if I went to a Super Bowl party and all they had was Ruffles, but the cuts would require less stitches. I’d even leave some chips for them after they got back from the hospital.

(Note: Brand Eating also reviewed Ruffles Loaded Chili & Cheese Potato Chips and The Impulsive Buy reviewed both of them.)

Ruffle Loaded Chili & Cheese Potato Chips

  • Score: 4 out of 5 sexy food dreams
  • Price: $0.99
  • Size: 1 7/8 oz. bag
  • Purchased at: Fry’s Foods
  • Nutritional Quirks: Contains red and green bell pepper powder, even though I couldn’t taste it. I’ve never seen bell pepper powder before. More Frito-Lay sorcery!

Ruffles Molten Hot Wings Potato Chips

  • Score: 3.5 out of 5 personal cheerleaders
  • Price: $0.99
  • Size: 1 7/8 oz. bag
  • Purchased at: Fry’s Foods
  • Nutritional Quirks: Contains chicken fat, chicken broth and chicken powder. Chicken powder sounds ominous, but is probably just bullion. I’m a little disturbed that my potato chips have chicken fat in them, though.
Fast Food

McDonald’s Chipotle BBQ Bacon Angus

1 Comment

McDonald’s has already introduced three other Angus burgers, and I have somehow managed to skip out on all of them. That’s about to change, because they’ve just launched a fourth one, the Chipotle BBQ Bacon Angus, and I have it in my hungry little hands.

From the mouth of Ronald McDonald and his marketing team, “Make time for the bold taste of a third-pound* 100% Angus beef smothered in sensationally sweet ‘n smoky Chipotle BBQ sauce, kicked up with crisp red onions, sliced pickles and two slices of American cheese, all on a toasted sesame seed bun.”

For the sake of full disclosure, the asterisk leads to this message: “*weight before cooking at least 5.33 oz (151.1 gms). At participating McDonald’s.” Valuable information I’m sure you wanted to know.

I love chipotle. Chipotle is really hot right now (har har), which usually annoys me, because once a flavor gets hot it sneaks itself into every food possible. I wouldn’t be surprised to see pomegranates on top of a hamburger at some point, since pomegranate is so in at the moment. I imagine marketing departments scrambling around, trying to figure out how to incorporate the latest fad flavor into every single item on the menu.

I just realized something. Fast food is a lot like fashion. That’s creepy.

Anyway, I can’t fault McDonald’s for putting chipotle on a hamburger. My husband has been using chipotle in his hamburgers for years. Chipotle and meat go together great. I’m glad to see they’re finally dating publicly. I even saw chipotle wearing hamburger’s Letterman’s jacket in home room the other day. They seemed happy together.

Let’s start with the good: McDonald’s Chipotle BBQ Bacon Angus is hefty. The Angus beef patty was large, juicy and flavorful, which was a surprise to me, compared to a regular McDonald’s burger. The Angus really steps it up on quality and flavor. Also, the red onions were fresh and added a good crunch.

Sadly, those are about the only good things I can say about this burger. The BBQ sauce was okay, but there was nothing chipotle about it. Chipotle has a very distinct flavor – spicy, smokey goodness – and I worked hard, but just could not find it. Sure, there was some smokiness, but it was the kind that comes with BBQ sauce, not chipotle. If you’d blindfolded me and handed me the burger and asked me to describe it, I would have said it’s a burger with BBQ sauce on it. The word chipotle would have never passed my lips.

Actually, I would have said it’s a BBQ burger with Limp Bacon Syndrome. The bacon was plentiful, but it was the same sad little floppy strips you usually come across. I’ll revise my blindfolded evaluation one more time: I would have said it’s a BBQ burger with Limp Bacon Syndrome and a strangely overwhelming amount of pickles. Yes, that’s right – the pickles. They were the most prominent flavor on the burger. I thought maybe it was just a fluke, so I asked my husband, who had also ordered a Chipotle BBQ Bacon Angus. He said he had been thinking the exact same thing. I didn’t count the amount of pickles on the burger, but I should have. Perhaps it had the standard amount of pickles and they just didn’t jive with the sauce, which made their flavor stand out. I don’t know what it was. All I know is pickles, pickles everywhere. I don’t think I’ve ever had such a pickle problem with a burger before, but there you have it.

I was really disappointed in McDonald’s Chipotle BBQ Bacon Angus. I loved the hamburger patty and will probably try one of the three other Angus burgers as a result, but when you have something in the name that is impossible to detect (at least to me), sad bacon on what is supposed to be a high(er)-quality burger, and strangely overpowering pickles, you don’t have a successful burger concept. Especially not for the price. I expected good things from the Chipotle BBQ Bacon Angus, and I didn’t get what I wanted. I have to end this review now, because I have to go McDonald’s and throw an inappropriate tantrum in the middle of their restaurant.

(Note: The Impulsive Buy, GrubGrade, We Rate Stuff and An Immovable Feast also reviewed this burger.)

  • Score: 2 out of 5 so many pickles
  • Price: $3.99
  • Size: At least 5.33 oz. before cooking
  • Purchased at: McDonald’s #1[number didn’t print on receipt]427
  • Nutritional Quirks: Pickles provide 10 mg of calcium.  Who knew?
Fast Food, Miscellaneous

Food News: Taco Bell Meat Only 35% Meat; Taco Bell Patrons Neither Shocked Nor Concerned

1 Comment
Oh my god there's no way this can be happening I mean just look that's 100% USDA ground beef c'mon guys

I first heard about this yesterday from a Tweet made by Fast Food Maven. I thought it nothing more than funny, but apparently it’s become kind of a Big Deal in the media, so I figured I should bring it up here.

Some lawyers at Beasley, Allen, Crow, Methvin, Portis & Miles (their business cards must have very small font) are filing a lawsuit against Taco Bell, alleging that Taco Bell uses binders and fillers in its meat and that the “meat” itself actually contains only 35% real meat. Taco Bell, of course, is refuting this. Their website lists the ingredients of their seasoned beef as “ Beef, Water, Seasoning [Isolated Oat Product, Salt, Chili Pepper, Onion Powder, Tomato Powder, Oats (Wheat), Soy Lecithin, Sugar, Spices, Maltodextrin, Soybean Oil (Anti-dusting Agent), Garlic Powder, Autolyzed Yeast Extract, Citric Acid, Caramel Color, Cocoa Powder (Processed With Alkali), Silicon Dioxide, Natural Flavors, Yeast, Modified Corn Starch, Natural Smoke Flavor], Salt, Sodium Phosphates. CONTAINS SOYBEAN, WHEAT.”

Hm.  Can’t imagine that anyone would think there’s fillers in there!

Let’s be honest, Taco Bell’s regular patrons are neither surprised or alarmed by these allegations. As a Taco Bell regular myself, I’ve known any time Taco Bell used the word meat in text that it should have quotation marks around it. In fact, I think all this talk about Taco Bell is making more people crave a fourthmeal rather than be outraged. I could go for a Meximelt, myself.

Update: Taco Bell is handling this in just the right way – with a sense of humor.  They recently Tweeted a link to Stephen Colbert’s take on the situation.  I particularly enjoy the phrase “beef-adjacent”.

On January 27, Taco Bell posted a YouTube video featuring Taco Bell’s President, breaking down exactly what goes into their seasoned ground beef. Furthermore, they sent out what I guess you could call a press release with the title, “Thank you for suing us.”

Taco Bell knows their customers.  They know, just like I do, that Taco Bell patrons don’t really give a shit.  They’re turning this lawsuit into a laughingstock, and I’m laughing right along with them. Way to go, Taco Bell!

Junk Food

Limited Winter Edition Cheetos Puffs Winter White Cheddar

10 Comments

Limited Winter Edition Cheetos Puffs Winter White Cheddar apparently really wants you to know that it’s winter. I’m sure those of you who live in the Northeast are already well aware of that. Nevertheless, Cheetos wants a reason for the season. Actually, they want a reason to make limited edition Puffs. Winter is often white, because of snow. White cheddar is (somewhat) white! Boom. I’m disappointed they didn’t make the Puffs in the form of snowflakes. Perhaps that technology is not yet available.

Cheetos already makes White Cheddar Puffs, but they’re only available in their Natural line of products. This means that instead of organic corn meal, cheddar cheese and sour cream, Winter White Cheddar Puffs contain enriched corn meal, cheese seasoning, and MSG. But Chester Cheetah is riding a Puff like it’s a snowboard! The back of the bag says “Strap on your gear because you’re in for a ride.”

I’m assuming by “gear” he means your obesity-necessitated sleep apnea machine and by “ride” he means the ambulance ride you’ll take when you forget to take your insulin. I’m just saying.

I just read on Frito-Lay’s Snack Chat blog that Winter White Cheddar Puffs were only available through the end of December. I guess that shows you how long I’ve had them (in my defense they have not reached their expiration date yet) and also that you will not be able to eat them. I’m sorry. Egg on my face, eh?

Snack Chat also brought to me this interesting sentence: “The packaging even features Cheester Cheetah snowboarding, and they’re made with real cheese.” The “even” makes me feel like they’re a little desperate. Wait, didn’t I already explore this joke three paragraphs ago? It’s disturbing to think that I’ve started mind-melding with Frito-Lay’s marketing department.

The sentence is also worded in such a way that it reads like the two have something to do with each other. Snowboarding and cheese, together at last. Oh, and I just realized Frito-Lay blog writer “Katherine” spelled Chester’s name wrong! With quality writers like Katherine, how am I not writing for Snack Chat already? Oh, it’s probably because of unnecessarily scathing criticisms like these. Hm.

While the white cheddar on the Puffs is rather white, apparently they couldn’t take a step further and bleach the enriched corn meal. This means the Puffs themselves are yellow, and they couldn’t drench them in enough cheese seasoning to hide that fact. So the Winter White is more like Summer Sunset Pale Yellow. Ah well, at least you can still use them as a snowboard.

I’ve never had Cheetos Puffs before. I was surprised at how big they are. Any one of them could have replaced my index finger, if I wanted my index finger to always be crooked and Cheetos were medically approved to be used as finger transplants. One day, technology will catch up.

Cheetos Puffs are fluffy, crunchy and somewhat dense at the same time. They remind me a little bit of Planters Cheez Balls. The corn meal taste of Cheetos is definitely present, and the white cheddar powder compliments that flavor. I found myself going from “eat for review” to “see how I can fit a Puff into my mouth like I have a retainer” to “mindlessly munching while watching TV instead of writing review”. At worst, that makes them inoffensive. At best, I seem to enjoy shoving giant Cheetos into my mouth.

Limited Winter Edition Cheetos Puffs Winter White Cheddar stands on a pretty weak gimmick, especially considering there’s already a version of Cheetos White Cheddar Puffs out there with (allegedly) healthier and more “real” ingredients, but I like them anyway. I’m a sucker for limited edition products, even more so when they’re trying to tie themselves to a holiday or season. Plus, you know, Chester Cheetah riding a Puff like a snowboard. You could pick up pretty much any white cheddar-flavored snack food and get the same flavor powder, but hey, why not have it on a Winter Puff? Oh, right, because they no longer exist. The texture of the Puff is interesting, although I wish they hadn’t made them the size of my entire jaw. Will I Winter Puff again? Well, no, because I’m an asshole and waited too long to write this review, so now we all can’t. But I may try the Natural White Cheddar Puffs just to see if the better ingredients add up to better flavor.

  • Score: 3.5 out of 5 Cheeeeeesters
  • Price: $1.29
  • Size: 3 1/4 oz. bag
  • Purchased at: Circle K
  • Nutritional Quirks: With the same serving size, Winter White Cheddar Puffs and Natural White Cheddar Puffs have the exact same amount of calories.  Natural has one less gram of fat.  Winter actually has 70 mg less sodium. So much for natural meaning healthier!
Fast Food

Burger King Jalapeño & Cheddar BK Stuffed Steakhouse Burger

4 Comments

The Internet is mildly abuzz about Burger King’s Jalapeño & Cheddar BK Stuffed Steakhouse burger. It’s the first “wacky” fast food item to debut in 2011. I’ll let Burger King’s official press release explain. Imagine The King staring at you from outside your window while you read it. Don’t imagine him saying it though; The King does not talk. Little known fact: this is because The King got involved with some very shady characters a while back, and he saw too much. He paid the price; he’ll never squeal again. I should probably not explain any further. I’ve already said too much.

Anyway, press release. “This premium sandwich packs a flavorful punch of robust ingredients with bits of jalapeño peppers and Cheddar cheese inside the juicy flame-broiled burger that’s topped off with creamy poblano sauce, ripe tomatoes and crisp lettuce on a premium bakery bun.”

I don’t really understand all the hubbub. Oh my god, they put what would usually go on top of the burger inside the burger! They must be crazy! My husband has been doing that for years. Garlic, chipotle, onions, you name it. Right in the raw ground beef, then right into the pan. How is this strange or overindulgent? Have I finally lost my grasp on the last shred of understanding how normal people see food? It’s a very real possibility.

I do like one other tidbit from the press release. According to Jonathan Muhtar, vice president, global product marketing and innovation, Burger King Corp, “With our first ever stuffed sandwich, we’re giving our guests what they want – juicy 100-percent beef infused with jalapeños and Cheddar for an experience you can see and taste in every bite.”

I like to imagine hundreds – nay, thousands – of angry emails coming in from faithful Burger King lovers, demanding that BK start shoving shit into their meat patties. Vehemence. Violent threats. Back against the wall, Mr. Muhtar had no choice. This is where all of his global product marketing and innovation were going to be put to the test. It was go time.

Jalapeños and cheddar are pretty pedestrian items when it comes to violating a meat patty, but I’m intrigued by the “creamy poblano sauce”. The poblano pepper is generally a very mild pepper. It’s the pepper vessel used in the dish chile relleno, if that gives you any further context. I’m curious as to why this particular pepper was chosen to be incorporated into a sauce. I guess the only way to find out is to eat the thing.

My first impression of the Burger King Jalapeño & Cheddar BK Stuffed Steakhouse burger (do we really need the BK? It’s a long enough product title and I’m pretty sure I know where I got it from, I’m not Sammy Jenkins) was that it has a nice heft and is quite large. Large enough that my petite mouth could barely take a solid bite. Imagine one of those sexy Carl’s Jr. commercials with Kim Kardashian messily eating a burger, except replace her with some dumb food blogger wearing an oversized Newcastle Brown Ale shirt with no pants on watching the awful reality tv show of your choosing. Ladies eating giant burgers aren’t always sexy. Trust me.

The lettuce was not the best, but that’s to be expected from a fast food joint. All those white pieces did add a nice crunch, though. The tomatoes tasted fresh. The bun, described as “premium”, was a little different than your usual stepped-on-looking bun. It was nice and fluffy, and was topped with corn flour instead of your typical sesame seeds.

Of course, the important part was the patty. As you can see, there are visible bits of jalapeño and cheddar embedded in the burger, as advertised. After eating a few bites, I was already appreciating the heat of the jalapeño. Fast food joints tend to play up the spiciness of their food, but this burger had legit heat. By the time I finished, my nose was running a little. That’s the sign of some legitimate capsacin in the house.

While the heat was a surprising and welcome addition, I found the star of the show was really the creamy poblano sauce. I’ll admit, I struggled to find any true poblano flavor. But nonetheless, that sauce was delicious and plentiful. It seemed more like a southwest mayo, but with a little something I couldn’t quite place. I hate it when there’s that little touch of flavor that I just can’t nail down. The sauce wasn’t really spicy, but it had lots of flavor that played really well with the heat from the jalapeño chunks.

What was sadly missing from this otherwise tasty group of ingredients was the cheese. I really tried to taste the cheddar, but I just couldn’t find it in there. Maybe there was a subtle creaminess of cheese, but not really any cheese flavor. Heck, the creaminess could have come from the sauce, for all I know.

The Burger King Jalapeño & Cheddar BK Stuffed Steakhouse Burger isn’t that wacky, but it is a quality burger. The runny nose effect shows that it has a good amount of heat. I loved the poblano sauce too, even though I was mystified as to what was making it taste so good. The lettuce was weak and I had a hard time getting any cheddar flavor, which was the most disappointing part. But even without the cheese, this stuffed burger is spicy and tasty. It’s available for a limited time only, but hopefully it will be successful enough to inspire more Stuffed Steakhouse burgers. I know from personal experience that chipotles and sriracha sauce both make good stuffings. Just a tip, in case The King is reading this. Stay clean, man, you don’t want to lose any more body parts.

(Note: The Impulsive Buy, GrubGrade, An Immovable Feast and Me So Hungry have also reviewed this burger.  J & C BK Stuffed Steakhouse is the belle of the ball!)

  • Score: 4 out of 5 eerily silent Kings
  • Price: $3.99
  • Size: 1 burger
  • Purchased at: Burger King #17145
  • Nutritional Quirks: There doesn’t seem to be any nutritional information available from BK for this burger, but I’m dying to know what’s in the creamy poblano sauce. Maybe the secret ingredient is magic!

(Edit: Thanks to The Impulsive Buy and Burger King’s PR department, I now know that this burger has a surprisingly low 590 calories, but you can take heart in the 34 grams of total fat which includes 12 grams of saturated and 2 grams of trans.  Also enjoy your 1,240 milligrams of sodium!)

Fast Food

Jack in the Box Chorizo Cheesy Fries

6 Comments

Jack in the Box revamped their french fries last year, which I reviewed over at The Impulsive Buy. I gave them a 7 out of 10, which some people objected to, but I don’t even remember what they tasted like. People have strong opinions about fries, and they really want you to know those opinions. Fair enough. The point here is not that I possibly suck at judging fries, the point is that Jack in the Box has now put stuff on their fries. Namely, cheese sauce and chorizo. Chorizo! I do not believe I have ever seen a fast food restaurant that had anything with chorizo on or in it before. Kudos to Jack. In the competitive world of fast food one-upmanship, it’s hard to find something unique.

There are Cheesy Fries and Chorizo Cheesy Fries available on the menu. I chose the latter because I figured I could tackle two birds with one stone. Interestingly, I’ve seen very little media coverage about these. No commercials, no emails…there’s no promo on JitB’s website, but the Cheesy Fries are in the menu section. No chorizo to be seen. The only real advertising I’ve seen is a big poster in the window of the restaurant itself. Just seems…odd.

Anyway. I love chorizo. I love chorizo even though it gives me terrible heartburn, every time. It’s an abusive relationship, but chorizo always tells me baby, I’m sorry, it won’t happen again. In the back of my mind I don’t believe it, but I can’t quit chorizo. So I was pretty excited to try these fries.

My husband was with me when I ordered the Chorizo Cheesy Fries, so he got an order, too. I opened mine up and was greeted with a sad box of fries with barely any chorizo on it. The other box fared a little better, so he made the ultimate sacrifice and let me have his box to photograph and eat. He’s an honorable, courageous man. I’m organizing a 5k in his honor.

Even with the switch, there wasn’t as much chorizo or cheese sauce as I would have liked. It may look like a fair amount in the picture, but it really wasn’t. Look at all those naked outliers. I want my fries smothered and covered, and these fries were like, wearing a towel around their waists. Terrible analogy that I will not continue.

I know this picture looks disgusting. I know a lot of pictures I take of fast food look disgusting. But this one has an actual defense in that chorizo always kind of looks like a dog barfed up a bowl of chili. Don’t judge a book by its cover, people. Chorizo has a really great personality and a great sense of humor. Your blind date with it will go fantastic, I’m just sure of it.

I was surprised by how authentic the chorizo tasted. I guess I’ve kind of gotten used to fast food that kind of tastes like real food. Taco Bell’s ground beef kind of tastes like ground beef. McDonald’s chicken nuggets kind of taste like real chicken. But this chorizo actually tasted like chorizo, with that delightful spicy sausage flavor. It was a pleasant surprise. It was also greasy as hell, but that’s just the way chorizo is. And I wonder why I get heartburn.

Unfortunately, since there was so little cheese sauce and chorizo has a very strong flavor, the cheese sauce basically disappeared. That made me sad, because I really like JitB’s Bacon Cheddar Potato Wedges, and I assume they used the same cheese sauce on these fries as they do on the wedges. Granted, the cheese sauce on the wedges isn’t super flavorful, but they always pile it on and for some reason I really like it.

Overall, I enjoyed Jack in the Box’s Chorizo Cheesy Fries. The fries were soggy, but that’s to be expected, and that’s why you get a fork. It was also really salty, but I dig that. It’s the perfect drunk food, but I think I’ve established that I don’t have to be drunk to enjoy that particular niche of edibles. I think if I get them again, I’ll request double cheese and double chorizo, so that I can get the proper smothering (and extra heartburn) I was looking for. Hopefully, with a double cheese sauce, it will become a bigger player. The strong and authentic flavor of the chorizo helped me feel less sad about all those naked fries. I think Jack has the formula right, but the application wrong. A simple portion fix would really elevate Chorizo Cheesy Fries to the next level.

(Note: The Impulsive Buy also reviewed these fries AND the Cheesy Fries.)

  • Score: 3.5 out of 5 swigs of Mylanta
  • Price: $1.99
  • Size: 1 box
  • Purchased at: Jack in the Box #196
  • Nutritional Quirks: Since Chorizo Cheesy Fries aren’t on Jack’s website, I looked at the Cheesy Fries. With them already at 1,145 milligrams of sodium, I can’t imagine what the chorizo would bring to the salt party. Have water nearby!
Miscellaneous

Junk Food Betty 2010 Top Ten

2 Comments

Now that I have my laptop back, hopefully for good, I’m going to use it to rip off several other food review sites and several thousand other media companies to do a little 2010 top ten list.  These are the ten most viewed pages on Junk Food Betty for 2010!  Try not to fall out of your chair with excitement!

10. KFC Fiery Grilled Wings

While this may not seem like the most exciting product I’ve ever reviewed, I have a pretty good idea why it got viewed so much – there’s a disturbing amount of people who find JFB by searching for “tiger jumping through hoops”.  In this review, I did, indeed, include a screenshot of the KFC commercial for their new wings, which included a tiger jumping through a hoop.  I don’t know why tigers jumping through hoops are so popular, but hey, whatever floats your boat.

9. SNEAK PREVIEW: Denny’s Fried Cheese Melt

I’m glad this review got on the list, because it was one of my prouder moments as a little-known food blogger.  The background story is one near and dear to my heart.  From the training session to the Fried Cheese Melt I shouldn’t have been able to get, it was a story of love, loss, and trainers with no inside voices.  One of my personal favorites.

8. Carl’s Jr. Grilled Cheese Bacon Burger

Not exactly a thriller, but it did introduce me to Carsl’s, which is a personal joke amongst my friends and myself that will probably last forever.  They still haven’t changed it on their receipts, by the way.  I am totally fine with that.

7. Mountain Dew Throwback

I learned a lot about Mountain Dew during this review.  Gran’ Pappy and his rifle will live on in my heart forever.

6. Tostitos Prepáralos a Tu Gusto Salsa Verde (Tostilocos)

As of writing this, my review of Tostilocos rests seventh on Google’s front page when you search for tostilocos.  It is also the #1 search term of all time that people used to find my blog.  My husband speculates that this is because my blog is the first link on Google to actually use Spanish, so Spanish speakers click on my blog, expecting a Spanish website, and are only met with English and poorly-taken pictures.  I just hope I’ve educated gringos on what is apparently a Mexican tradition.  I know I learned a lot that day, and I hope you did, too.

5. Stride Mega Mystery Gum

The flavor of this gum wasn’t that exciting, but the mystery was.  To this day, I still have no idea what Stride Mega Mystery Gum actually tastes like.  I did a quick search a few months back to see if Stride had actually revealed the flavor yet, and I found no evidence that they have.  Mysteries are cool, but they just get boring when you’ve finished your dinner and the butler still hasn’t been fingered as the killer.

4. Doritos 1st, 2nd and 3rd Degree Burn: Blazin’ Jalapeño, Fiery Buffalo and Scorchin’ Habanero Tortilla Chips

These chips lived up to their promise of burning, and the comments section of this review is on fire (yes I did) with people who are plagued with the same problem I had – namely, getting all three burns together in a room at the same time.  This is an ongoing problem and I have no idea why Doritos isn’t solving it.  Regardless, I wish the best of luck to all you Doritos completionists out there, and no, I don’t know where you can find them.

3. Doritos Late Night All-Nighter Cheeseburger Tortilla Chips

No idea why these are so popular, but I’m cool with that.  I support any effort that leads Doritos to believe they need to come up with more and more outlandish chips.  It’s my bread and butter, baby.

2. Milky Way Simply Caramel Bar and 3 Musketeers Truffle Crisp Bars

I thought this was a seemingly innocuous review, but apparently the Internet takes its candy bars very seriously.  So seriously that “3 musketeers truffle crisp” is the fifth most searched for phrase of all time that led to my blog.  Admittedly, those truffle bars were quite good.  Looking back, I would have bumped them up to a 4.5.  Apparently others would kill a bitch to get their hands on one.  Again, I don’t know where you can find them in your hometown of Bug Tussle, Oklahoma.  I’m sorry.

1. KFC Double Down Sandwich

Unsurprising but pleasing nonetheless, everyone’s favorite love-to-hate fast food item of 2010 was the most viewed page on JFB.  My favorite review so far for probably obvious reasons, it was long awaited and spawned my first and only flame war in the comments section.  I feel like I should have more to say about it, but I think it speaks for itself.  Bunchick for President 2012.

Well, that’s it.  I hope you enjoyed our little trip down memory lane.  Actually, I don’t care if you enjoyed it or not; I had a lot of fun looking back at my own awful jokes and terrible photography.  Here’s hoping 2011 will be just as awful awesome.

Fast Food

Taco Bell Beefy Crunch Burrito

16 Comments

So is this going to be a thing now? Fritos? Are Fritos the next pomegranate? Sonic has had their Frito Chili Cheese Wrap on the menu for as long as I have been going there, but then they upped the ante with their Sonic Tex Mex Footlong Quarter Pound Coney. Now Taco Bell has hopped on the Frito bandwagon with their new Beefy Crunch Burrito. I’ll let Taco Bell explain:

“Layers of seasoned ground beef, rice, warm nacho cheese sauce, reduced fat sour cream and Flamin’ Hot Fritos wrapped in a warm, flour tortilla.”

Classic Taco Bell move. The first four ingredients in this description should sound familiar because they’re in every other Taco Bell menu item, ever. But hey – Fritos! Flamin’ Hot Fritos, no less. Frito-Lay has Flaminized many of their products. I am quite fond of Cheetos Flamin’ Hot Limon, but they stain your fingers for a whole day, announcing your snacking habits to the world. I also once powered through a whole bag of Flamin’ Hot Funyuns, but in my defense, I was drunk.

So now we’ve got snack food inside fast food. I’m reminded once again of Sonic and their Ched R Pepper SuperSONIC Cheeseburger, which stuck jalapeño poppers inside a burger. I like where this is going. Funyuns replacing real onions on a McDonald’s burger. Jack in the Box Ultimate Jack Link Beef Jerky Grilled Cheese Sandwich. KFC chicken breaded with crushed Doritos Blazin’ Buffalo and Ranch. Burger King’s new Ranch Corn Nuts Bacon Cheeseburger.

Oh yeah. This is going all the right places.

Flamin’ Hot Fritos may make the Crunchy Beef Burrito Taco Bell’s most caliente menu item, which is sad because they have a whole Volcano menu devoted to items that are supposed to make your brain blow out the back of your head with the heat but instead just make you wish you had a can of Spicy Hot V8 on hand. It’s no good when you want a beverage to make your mouth burn instead of cool it off.

With pretty much nowhere to go but up in my mind, let’s see what this bitch can deliver.

Okay, so here’s the rub: The Beefy Crunch Burrito has the word “crunch” in its name. But anyone with half a brain would know that Fritos don’t stand a chance when they’re smothered in nacho cheese sauce and reduced fat sour cream.  “Kelley,” you could scream to me in the comments section, “you can’t fault the Fritos for being soggy when you drive all the way home to eat! Eat inside the Taco Bell! You’re being unfair to the Beefy Crunch Burrito when you complain that the Fritos were soggy!”

Yes, the Fritos were soggy. No, I didn’t eat it inside the restaurant. I drove through the drive-thru and took my food home, to eat and photograph in the privacy of my own domicile. Millions of people do that, every day. That’s why we eat fast food. That’s why the drive-thru was invented. Well, that and for people who eat in their cars, but that’s something I just don’t do. Eyes on the road! Hands at ten and two! Didn’t you learn anything in driver’s ed?

I believe fast food companies should prepare for these kinds of situations, and design menu items appropriately. What I’m trying to say here is, don’t blame me, blame Taco Bell. Don’t put something that’s supposed to be crunchy in with a bunch of stuff that will turn it to mush in ten seconds. It’s just going to end poorly.

Rant aside, there was another problem with the Beefy Crunch Burrito. I’ll accept snack foods in my fast food – I just raved about the possibilities a few paragraphs ago – but I’m not going to give them a free pass when it doesn’t work out. And the Beefy Crunch Burrito didn’t. All the regular players got along fine: seasoned beef shook hands with nacho cheese, sour cream said hi to the rice, and warm flour tortilla invited everyone in for a group hug. Then Flamin’ Hot Fritos invited itself over and everyone got uncomfortable. The pronounced and very recognizable corn chip flavor just seemed out of place with everything else, jarring my taste buds and overwhelming all the other flavors. The best word to describe it would be “discordant”. Corn chips just didn’t belong. It felt like I was eating a corn chip burrito with some other stuff thrown in.

As for the Flamin’ Hot portion, I’ll admit, they did give off a little heat. I think it was diluted from the nacho cheese and sour cream, because it wasn’t quite as hot as the Flamin Hot chips themselves. I wished it had been super hot; then maybe it would have drowned out the corn chip taste a bit.

Beefy Crunch Burrito really let me down. It’s not often that I outright dislike a Taco Bell product, but here we are. Points are docked for soggy Fritos, but that’s a design flaw. The real problem is that overpowering corn chip taste that drowns everything else out and really doesn’t belong. Taco Bell isn’t really marketing it as a “blow your brains out spicy” item, but even so, there was very little heat. The Beefy Crunch Burrito is a mess; that said, I still encourage fast food companies to start stuffing snacks into their menu items. Bring on the crazy!

(Update: I decided to bust this down to a score of 1.5 from 2 since it really wasn’t that close to average.)

  • Score: 1.5 out of 5 lingering hugs by Flamin’ Hot Fritos
  • Price: $0.99
  • Size: 1 burrito
  • Purchased at: Taco Bell
  • Nutritional Quirks: Let’s put it this way: seasoned ground beef, nacho cheese sauce, rice, sour cream, flour tortilla, Flamin’ Hot Fritos.  One of these is not like the other!