Hey guys, know what time it is?

It’s Lent, of course! The time of year when every fast food joint ramps up advertising on or creates a new fish product!

Wait…Lent is a holiday that isn’t specifically engineered to sell fast food fish? It’s some sort of religious thing? Man, I had no idea.

I am, of course, joking. But in case you weren’t aware, Lent lasts 40 days, during which time Catholics are not supposed to eat red meat, pork, chicken and probably a bunch of other meats I’m forgetting. I’m oversimplifying here, but if you’d like to know more about Lent, consult your local Internet!

Catholics can, however, eat fish, which is why fast food companies really roll out the red carpet for these water-dwellers. It may not be the only time they serve fish, but it’s when fish really shines on their menus. And if reading the Internet has taught me anything, it’s the best time to order fish, because it moves off the shelves faster, thus ensuring that you get a fresher product.

For the record, I have never, ever eaten fish from a fast food restaurant. Sorry, Long John Silver’s. It just seems like such a bad idea to me. I’m sure it’s probably fine – otherwise the news would be all over people constantly getting sick from it – but I’d probably rather eat 99% of any fast food restaurant’s offerings than fish.

For the record, I’m pretty sure bagged spinach has made more people sick than fast food fish. Just saying.

I decided to set my paranoia about fast food fish aside and try McDonald’s new Fish McBites. McDonald’s already has the Filet-O-Fish, but these McBites are a new and limited time menu item, and they set themselves apart in the world of fast food fish by not being a sandwich.

This is the part where I thought I’d start talking about the food itself. But then I saw the Fish McBites commercial.

M’gawd.

We start with a cabin, presumably located deep in the woods. The décor screams “rustic hunter” – a bearskin rug, pelts slung over the couch, and a lamp fashioned out of antlers. There’s a dude sitting on the couch, and two young women walk in.

Every bone in my body says that this is a bad situation. Is the dude on the couch a serial killer with a trophy collection of women’s heads just off-screen? Are they going to start a ménage à trois, which will result in a 100% chance of some disfigured maniac bursting in and slaughtering them all with a chainsaw?

Something awful is about to happen, of that I am sure. However, the nature of this impending doom is far worse than I imagined.

Before I even had a chance to notice what would truly make my skin crawl, one of the women asks the guy on the couch, “Hey, what are those?”

“Mmmm, McDonald’s new Fish McBites.” This response comes not from the man, but from a fish. Hanging on the wall.

And then it happens.

“FISHY FISHAAAAY!”

Suddenly, “Ba-ZIIIIING” Ruffles girl doesn’t seem quite so bad.

Get ready, because I am about to break this down.

Remember Big Mouth Billy Bass? You do. I know you do. Well, this is like I stepped into a time machine and fell into the middle of a Spencer Gifts circa 1998. However, instead of just one Billy Bass, there are 15 of them. And they are, for lack of a better term…”rapping”.

“Fishfish McBites, McBites. Fishfish McBites, McBites.

FISHY FISHAAAAY!”

At this point, the guy on the couch is nodding his head to the beat, like there’s absolutely nothing horribly wrong with this situation, proving that he must have something wrong in his head.

The camera pans out to show the whole panel of fish, all wiggling around like Billy Fucking Bass, and we get the full brunt of it – it’s the sound of an F-list Salt-N-Pepa cover band. Of fish.

“Fish McBites are succulent and breaded to perfection/So take a trip to Mickey-D’s and get-get-get-getya soooome”

At this point, an invisible, innocuous voiceover guy tells you the mundane details while all three humans sit around enjoying their Fish McBites. The whole thing only lasts 31 seconds, but I feel like I have lost part of my soul and about ten years off my life. It doesn’t help that I had to replay it a dozen times to make sure I got all the lyrics just right. Is there a word for something that goes beyond masochism?

Another little part of me withered and died away when I saw you could go to McDonald’s website and “create a mix of our catchy tune”. I would normally enjoy a pun like using the word “catchy”, but I hate McDonald’s so much right now that I can’t enjoy it.

While a phat beat plays in the background, you can click on a panel of fish like the one in the commercial, except all these fish say different and stupid things like “dipdipdip” and “TANGY TARTAAAAAR!”. After you’re done recording your abomination, you can share it with your friends on Facebook. And then you will have no more friends.

Okay. I’ve done it. I watched it so you don’t have to. Now let’s actually talk about the food. Hopefully it will help me forget what I just watched. Though I have a feeling I will never forget.

I’m a big fan of poppable foods like popcorn chicken, so McDonald’s already had me there. Burgers and sandwiches have their place in my heart, of course, but I’m a sucker for bite-sized dippables. Perhaps that’s what made me feel more comfortable making this my first fast food fish.

That said, let’s get real, here – we’re dealing with fish at McDonald’s. The jingle from MADtv’s “Lowered Expectations” skit ran through my head pretty much the whole time I was purchasing them. To compare Fish McBites to fish from a nice restaurant would be like comparing a McDouble to a kobe beef steak. It wouldn’t be fair.

To my surprise, I found there was no need to set the bar so low that a midget could clear it in a pole jump competition. The breading was light but crunchy, with no sogginess in sight. It looked seasoned, but the seasoning was very light.

The fish itself was flaky and moist, with a very mild fish flavor. It was so flaky, in fact, that the McBites had a tendency to fall apart when dipped in the tartar sauce. A bit of a pop-and-dip malfunction, but I didn’t mind. While I have just enough decorum left not to do this in public, I had no problem getting my fingers saucy by fishing (augh) the rogue pieces out of the tartar, which was nice and tangy, complimenting the poppers.

I found myself trusting McDonald’s like I trusted the Gorton’s fisherman during my youth. It was impossible not to notice the similarity – like Gorton’s fish sticks, the Fish McBites were flaky, mild, and breaded, although I have to say, McDonald’s beat Gorton’s in the breading department by not being a soggy mess.

I ordered the “snack size” McBites, which turned out to be 13 McBites that wound up feeling like half a meal.

This being my first foray into the world of fast food fish, I can’t compare McDonald’s Fish McBites against any other restaurant’s fish offerings. On the plus side, having a virgin palate gave me an arguably objective opinion of them.

Sure, McDonald’s Fish McBites aren’t haute cuisine. But if you ask me, they’re a tasty treat that I would actually order again. While the fish (Alaskan Pollock, allegedly) might have a flavor too mild for some, they were moist, flaky, crunchy, and very poppable. I surprised even myself when I realized that I would definitely order these again, which had better be soon, since they’re a limited-time offer that will presumably disappear when Lent is over.

McDonald’s Fish McBites

• Score: 4 out of 5 FISHY FI– you know what I can’t do it
• Price: $2.29
• Size: Snack Size (13 pieces)
• Purchased at: McDonald’s
• Nutritional Quirks: Pollock is specifically listed as the first ingredient, which is, well, more than I can say for Gorton’s fish sticks!

Other Fish McBites reviews: Brand Eating, GrubGrade, The Impulsive Buy