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Junk Food

Lay’s Do Us a Flavor Finalists: Sriracha, Cheesy Garlic Bread and Chicken & Waffles Potato Chips

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Lay's Do Us a Flavor Finalists Sriracha, Cheesy Garlic Bread and Chicken & Waffles Potato Chips BagsThe three finalists for Lay’s “Do Us a Flavor” contest have been out for a little while now. And for me, “been out” is a literal term – I first spotted all three of them at my local store and picked up the Sriracha flavor, thinking at the time that I’d review each flavor separately. When I went to the store a few days later, there was a handful of Srirachas and one Cheesy Garlic Bread bag on the shelves, which I grabbed.

After that? Nothing.

It was like they’d gotten one shipment and that was that. I couldn’t find Chicken & Waffles, the obvious crazygonuts flavor of the three, anywhere. I looked, I waited, and yet…nothing.

Just when I’d resigned myself to only reviewing two of the three flavors, leaving a large, probably-disgusting-tasting chip-sized hole in my heart, I found them. I did an actual pirouette in the store. My husband pretended he didn’t know me, which is not unusual.

So here they are. The Do Us a Flavor finalists, chosen out of 3.8 million fan submissions last summer. Lucky for me, the three people who are up for a million dollars or 1% of their flavor’s 2013 sales if they win are plastered all over each of the bags, so I get to make fun of them and/or blame them for their choices.

So let’s get to these chips, presented by coincidence in order of purchase and what I anticipate to be the best-to-worst flavors.

Sriracha

Lay's Do Us a Flavor Finalist Sriracha Potato Chips Bag

Sriracha is blowin’ up right now. One might say it is on fire, if one were to make puns about hot sauce. I used to only find it at the Vietnamese market, but now it’s pretty common on your everyday grocery store shelves. You’ve probably seen it – it’s the one with the rooster on the label, which gives everyone with a 5th grade sense of humor (me) carte blanche to call it “cock sauce”.

Lay's Do Us a Flavor Finalist Sriracha Potato Chips Tyler

Hello, Tyler Raineri from Lake Zurich, IL. I’m not going to make fun of people’s pictures, because you can’t pick your genetics, but you can pick your words. And if these quotes were what these people decided would be the best blurbs to represent them on chip bags nationwide, you can bet I’m going to dig in to them.

Lay's Do Us a Flavor Finalist Sriracha Potato Chips Tyler Quote

Grandma’s chips and sriracha seem like an odd combination, but hell, I’d put sriracha on just about anything, so I’ll let it slide.

What really gets me is the last sentence. “Nothing’s better than old memories.” It sounds bizarre and mildly sinister, for reasons I can’t explain. We all have “old memories”, but I wouldn’t say they are literally the best thing ever. I get this weird vibe that grandma’s desiccated corpse is sitting in Tyler’s basement or something, but maybe I’ve just seen too many horror movies.

Lay's Do Us a Flavor Finalist Sriracha Potato Chips

Onward to the chips. I was actually excited to try Lay’s Sriracha, because, as I mentioned, I love the cock sauce, and it seemed like a flavor that would marry well with potato chips. It’s mostly chili, vinegar, and a hint of garlic, but it has a very unique and delicious taste.

Lay's Do Us a Flavor Finalist Sriracha Potato Chips Close-Up

Unfortunately, my hopes were quickly dashed. Not just dashed, but obliterated. The chips had a bit of heat to them, and a faint garlic taste, but there was also the strong presence of cream cheese and sour cream flavors.

What? What the hell is that? I checked the ingredients, and, according to Lay’s, “sriracha seasoning” contains, among other things, sour cream, cream, onion powder, cream cheese, paprika extract, cheddar cheese, and swiss cheese.

What the fuck?

With my mouth expecting sriracha, all these cheese flavors made my taste buds instantly revolt. These chips tasted wrong, wrong, wrong. So wrong, in fact, that I went and looked at some other reviews of Lay’s Sriracha Chips – something I don’t normally do until after I finish a review, for the sake of objectivity.

To my surprise, several reviewers gave these chips high marks for tasting like the hot sauce. I’m not going to pull out my “I liked sriracha before sriracha was cool and I’m a cock sauce expert” card, but I have to say, these chips taste nothing like sriracha, and the addition of all that cheese flavoring was incredibly disconcerting.

I went back and revisited Lay’s Sriracha Chips a little later, after my mouth had had time to calm down. If you pretend these chips are called “Spicy Cheese Chips” instead of “Sriracha Chips”, they’re actually not so bad. But if Tyler’s grandma could taste these chips, she’d probably roll over in her grave. Or in her rocking chair in Tyler’s basement. Either way.

Cheesy Garlic Bread

Lay's Do Us a Flavor Finalist Cheesy Garlic Bread Potato Chips Bag

With my hopes of sriracha-flavored chips crushed, I turned my attention to Cheesy Garlic Bread. I expected these to be a very middle-of-the-road flavor – take some cheese, take some garlic flavor, and there you go. However, after the sriracha disaster, I was starting to feel nervous.

Lay's Do Us a Flavor Finalist Cheesy Garlic Bread Potato Chips Karen

Meet Karen Weber-Mendham from Land o’ Lakes, WI, a bold woman who is not afraid to hyphenate her name post-marriage and is also from a place that I didn’t think actually existed outside of the realm of butter.

Lay's Do Us a Flavor Finalist Cheesy Garlic Bread Potato Chips Karen Quote

Everything about Karen’s quote is hilariously stupid. First off, I’m 100% positive her “favorite Italian restaurant” is the Olive Garden. It’s just one of those hunches I feel deep down inside.

Second, she’s WAITING FOREVER. That’s just bad customer service. Plus, the breadsticks are supposed to be there for when you are waiting forever. Karen, you need a new Olive Garden.

The last sentence is the icing on the cake. “Finally, the breadsticks come & they save your life!” I can’t stop reading that and laughing out loud. They save your life, people. You are sitting in a booth at the Olive Garden for so long that you are literally starving to death. I think Karen has a fondness for being melodramatic.

One more thing to nitpick about – breadsticks and cheesy garlic bread are not the same thing. If we’re taking the picture on the front of the bag to be said bread, I’ve never been to an Italian restaurant that will rock out free garlic bread like that. Maybe I was wrong about Karen’s favorite Italian restaurant. I guess I’d be more willing to WAIT FOREVER if I could get free cheesy garlic bread like that. To save my life.

Lay's Do Us a Flavor Finalist Cheesy Garlic Bread Potato Chips

A strange thing happened with Lay’s Cheesy Garlic Bread Chips. They didn’t taste like cheese garlic chips at all. After the sriracha fiasco, you’d think this would have pissed me off. But quite the opposite.

Lay's Do Us a Flavor Finalist Cheesy Garlic Bread Potato Chips Close-Up

Instead of tasting like cheese and garlic-flavored chips, these tasted like cheesy garlic bread. Seriously. I know it sounds weird and kind of stupid, but it’s damn true. Lay’s made a chip that tastes like a piece of bread slathered in strong garlic butter and topped with Parmesan.

At first, this had the opposite of the intended effect. It was so realistic, it was off-putting. Lay’s Cheesy Garlic Bread is in the uncanny valley of chips. The more I ate, however, the more I grew to accept this, and embrace it for its cheesy, garlicky, buttery goodness. Lay’s must be using some sort of dark magic, but I don’t care. It’s delicious dark magic.

Chicken & Waffles

Lay's Do Us a Flavor Finalist Chicken & Waffles Potato Chips Bag

Well, here we are. The Do Us a Flavor Finalist everyone’s buzzing about. Chicken & Waffles. Fuck.

Lay's Do Us a Flavor Finalist Chicken & Waffles Potato Chips Christina

Meet Christina Abu-Judom from Phoenix, AZ.

…Of course. Of course she’s from the Valley in which I live. Because Phoenix doesn’t get shat on enough as the asshole of the United States, and if you are to believe television shows and movies, every murderer and child molester comes to Arizona to hide out from the cops. Thanks so much, Christina, for improving our image.

Lay's Do Us a Flavor Finalist Chicken & Waffles Potato Chips Christina Quote

Aaaaaand her quote is stupid, too. Also, either her nephew is a total dick, or Christina likes to really blow things out of proportion. Can you imagine the Abu-Judom family gatherings? Either her nephew brings up this most insignificant part of his life so much that everyone tells him to shut the fuck up, or Christina herself can’t talk about anything else. “Hey nephew, remember how you never let me live down that one time I stole a bite of your waffle?” Everyone rolls their eyes and goes back to talking about how much the construction sucks on Central Ave.

Lay's Do Us a Flavor Finalist Chicken & Waffles Potato Chips

I’m sad to say that there are no surprises, here. These chips are disgusting. The overwhelming taste is that of maple syrup, with undertones of a buttery waffle-like taste and just a smidge of chicken bouillon. If that sentence grossed you out, congratulations, you have a modicum of common sense.

Lay's Do Us a Flavor Finalist Chicken & Waffles Potato Chips Close-Up

I ate the barest of bare minimums of Lay’s Chicken & Waffles Chips just so I could explain the flavor to you, dear reader. I’ve eaten several very disgusting things in my time as a food reviewer, and these are honestly close to the top. If taste buds could throw up, I believe mine would have, which probably would have made my stomach throw up, resulting in one of those chain-reaction vomits that would fill my entire apartment with maple-smelling bile.

“The overwhelming taste is that of maple syrup, with undertones of a buttery waffle-like taste and just a smidge of chicken bouillon.” I just wanted to repeat that sentence to emphasize how utterly repulsive these chips are. I knew I was in for a bad trip when I bought these, but this was like, bat country bad trip.

I can’t even give much credit to Lay’s for getting the Chicken & Waffles flavor right. The syrup flavor was dominant and cloying, and the chicken very subdued, for which my taste buds were thankful. You could taste a bit of butter and waffle, though, so at least there’s…that.

I feel bad for Tyler, because his Sriracha Lay’s wound up tasting nothing like the hot sauce and more like a spicy cheese chip.

Karen got her wish, because Cheesy Garlic Bread tastes eerily like what it’s supposed to taste like. I was put off by this at first, but came to embrace the accuracy and tastiness of these chips.

I hate Christina for her stupid story and her even more stupid flavor suggestion, but I hate Lay’s the most for picking it as a finalist. You know they did it just to be jerks, and they succeeded.

I find it hard to believe that out of 3.8 million submissions, these three people made unique suggestions – especially sriracha. Regardless, you can vote on your favorite on Lay’s Facebook page until May 4, 2013. If I were the Facebook voting type, which I am not, you’ve probably gathered that I would vote for Cheesy Garlic Bread. That way, Karen could keep a bag in her purse at all times and never have to worry about starving to death again.

Lay’s Do Us a Flavor Finalist: Sriracha Potato Chips

  • Score: 2.5 out of 5 opportunities to say cock sauce
  • Price: $3.19 (on sale; regularly $3.49)
  • Size: 9 1/2 oz. bag
  • Purchased at: Fry’s Foods
  • Nutritional Quirks: It bears repeating: contains sour cream, cream, onion powder, cream cheese, cheddar cheese and swiss cheese,none of which are actually in sriracha hot sauce

Lay’s Do Us a Flavor Finalist: Cheesy Garlic Bread Potato Chips

  • Score: 4.5 out of 5 uncanny valleys of snack food
  • Price: $3.49
  • Size: 9 1/2 oz. bag
  • Purchased at: Safeway #1717
  • Nutritional Quirks: Dark magic not listed as an ingredient, but gouda cheese is. Fancy!

Lay’s Do Us a Flavor Finalist: Chicken & Waffles Potato Chips

  • Score: 0.5 out of 5 fuck you Christina
  • Price: $1.99 (on sale; regularly $3.49)
  • Size:9 1/2 oz. bag
  • Purchased at: Safeway #1717
  • Nutritional Quirks: It’s gross. Also contains “natural flavor (including chicken flavor)”, which is not a phrase I find at all comforting.

Other Do Us a Flavor Finalist reviews: The Impulsive Buy (Chicken & Waffles, Sriracha, Cheesy Garlic Bread), Junk Food Guy, So Good, Fat Guy Food Blog

Fast Food

Taco Bell Cool Ranch Doritos Locos Taco and Nacho Cheese Doritos Locos Taco Supreme

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Taco Bell Cool Ranch Doritos Locos Taco and Nacho Cheese Doritos Locos Taco SupremeTaco Bell first unleashed the Doritos Locos Taco upon the world early last year with their Nacho Cheese offering. The Internet could not have been more abuzz about it. A Taco Bell taco with a Doritos shell?! How could this be?

Every food review website on the planet was on this like…a food review website looking for blog hits. And yet, somehow, Junk Food Betty was strangely silent.

Why? I don’t know. I remember wanting to review it. And yet, somehow, it never happened. In fact, I never tried the Nacho Cheese Doritos Locos Taco. I felt like I was doing penance for my neglect by denying myself the experience, which sounds incredibly stupid when I type it out.

Thankfully, the junk food gods gave me a second chance. Much like its Nacho brother, the Cool Ranch Doritos Locos Taco was announced as an upcoming Taco Bell menu choice well before it came out. And, like its cheesy brethren, it received major attention from the Internet. Taco Bell is doing it again? With Cool Ranch Doritos this time? The sales of fainting couches sold on eBay spiked all over again.

Here’s the thing, and I say this looking over my shoulder, waiting for the Internet buzz police to break down my door: to me, Locos Tacos sound pointless and boring. It’s a regular Taco Bell taco with Doritos flavor dust on the shell. It’s a food crossover designed entirely for the hype machine.

That said, I’m a goddamn sucker, and after missing out on Nacho Cheese, I damned well wasn’t going to pass up on the Cool Ranch Doritos Locos Taco. ONE OF US. ONE OF US.

Taco Bell Cool Ranch Doritos Locos Taco

Taco Bell Cool Ranch Doritos Locos Taco

This taco launched on March 7th, but Taco Bell had a secret: if you asked for it, you could get one a day early, even if it wasn’t on the menu yet.

Did I say secret? What I meant to say was they advertised this fact on Facebook, Twitter, and the front page of their website. I’m surprised someone wearing a Taco Bell polo shirt didn’t knock on my door and yell “YOU CAN GET IT A DAY EARLY” when I answered it. Remind me not to tell Taco Bell about that thing I did that one time that nobody can ever know about.

And yet, some Taco Bell locations didn’t get the memo, and therefore people chomping at the bit for a Cool Ranch taco were met with blank stares, which pissed them off, especially since they’d probably gotten five phone calls from Taco Bell (some during dinner, some in the middle of the night) letting them know that they could get it a day early. Perhaps Taco Bell should have used some of this marketing energy to inform their own restaurants about this promotion.

I have to say, I’m rather fond of the packaging of Locos Tacos. The custom-made sleeve is presumably designed to keep your fingers flavor-dust free while letting you know you’re definitely eating a Doritos taco, but if you’re not worried about flavor dust when you eat Doritos chips, why would you care when you’re eating a Doritos taco? Whatever, it’s still cute.

A regular Taco Bell Crunchy Taco contains seasoned ground beef, shredded lettuce and shredded cheddar cheese. This taco contains the same, except it’s wrapped in a Cool Ranch Doritos shell.

Taco Bell Cool Ranch Doritos Locos Taco Shell

Because Taco Bell’s regular Crunchy Taco is boring as hell, it’s been a really long time since I’ve had one. However, the Cool Ranch Doritos shell seemed a little thinner, like a regular Doritos chip. It also had all the flecks and markings of a Cool Ranch Dorito.

Taco Bell Cool Ranch Doritos Locos Taco Inside

Upon first bite, you get a little bit of that iconic Cool Ranch flavor, but it’s quickly swallowed up by the seasoned ground beef. However, the shell does have a nice crunch, and the flavor dust sticks to your lips, which gives you a little burst of Doritos flavor after you’re almost done chewing.

I was suspicious about Taco Bell’s choice to make Cool Ranch their next Locos Taco flavor. Nacho Cheese seemed like a natural (nachoral HAHAHAHA), but when I think taco, ranch isn’t exactly the first thing that comes to mind.

Lucky for me, even though I ordered a regular Cool Ranch Doritos Locos Taco, mine came with a hidden surprise – sour cream! You wouldn’t think one innocent ingredient would turn things around, but I think the Cool Ranch combined with the sour cream made for a much more enjoyable Loco experience.

I’d like to think I got a rogue Taco Bell employee who knew this and was secretly slipping sour cream into each regular Cool Ranch Doritos Locos Taco. The more likely scenario is that the Taco Bell employee that made my taco didn’t give a shit about what they were doing because they work at Taco Bell. But the tiny optimist in me hopes for the former.

Taco Bell Nacho Cheese Doritos Locos Taco Supreme

Taco Bell Nacho Cheese Doritos Locos Taco Supreme

Figuring that reviewing the Cool Ranch Loco in a (somewhat) timely manner was my penance, I decided to rock out a Nacho Cheese Doritos Locos Taco Supreme.

Hey look, it gets its own branded sleeve! Still cute.

In case you weren’t aware, in Taco Bell speak, “Supreme” means “regular taco with diced tomatoes and reduced-fat sour cream”.

Why is Taco Bell’s sour cream always reduced-fat? I never understood that. You could order the fattiest, greasiest thing on Taco Bell’s menu, which I don’t even want to look up, and if it contained sour cream, that sour cream would be reduced-fat. Weird.

Taco Bell Nacho Cheese Doritos Locos Taco Supreme Shell

Ignoring the fact that I spend too much time thinking about Taco Bell’s ingredient choices, the Nacho Cheese Doritos Locos Taco Supreme offered no surprises. A lot of the words I wrote about the Cool Ranch variety apply here – the shell was a bit thinner, it tasted like Doritos, blah blah blah.

Taco Bell Nacho Cheese Doritos Locos Taco Supreme Inside

If anything, the Nacho Cheese Doritos flavor wound up being more muted than the Cool Ranch version. Maybe it was the gloriousness of the Supremity. Maybe it was pitting nacho cheese flavor dust against real (real?) cheese. For some reason, the Nacho Cheese just didn’t stack up compared to the Cool Ranch. A surprising verdict from my taste buds.

But you know what? I feel better. I feel catharsis. I have now reviewed the Taco Bell Nacho Cheese Doritos Locos Taco.  Supreme.

Now that I’ve done my duty as a person on the Internet who talks about food reviewing Taco Bell Doritos Locos Tacos, I can summarize both pretty easily: they are amazing, mind-blowing, and worth every bit of the buzz they’ve received.

Wait, no, I said that wrong. Let me rephrase: these tacos have Doritos shells, which makes them a little less boring than regular Taco Bell Crunchy Tacos and Crunchy Taco Supremes. Hooray? Oh, right, and they have custom sleeves! Double hooray?

I didn’t think to check the prices of these versus their boring un-Dorito-shelled counterparts, but I’m assuming they’re the same. In that case, why not Dorito-ify your taco? It’s a little extra flavor added to an otherwise lackluster menu item. Hooray! Go Loco with the change you found in your sofa cushions.

Taco Bell Cool Ranch Doritos Locos Taco

  • Score: 3.5 out of 5 sour cream surprises
  • Price: $1.39
  • Size: 1 taco
  • Purchased at: Taco Bell #004989
  • Nutritional Quirks: OH MY GOD THEY MADE THE SHELL OUT OF COOL RANCH DORITOS

Taco Bell Nacho Cheese Doritos Locos Taco Supreme

  • Score: 2.5 out of 5 feelings of taco closure
  • Price: $1.69
  • Size: 1 taco
  • Purchased at: Taco Bell #004989
  • Nutritional Quirks: Seriously, reduced-fat sour cream. WHY?

All those other guys who reviewed Cool Ranch Doritos Locos Tacos (surely an incomplete list): The Impulsive Buy, Brand Eating, GrubGrade, Man Reviews Food, Fast Food Geek, So Good

Fast Food

McDonald’s Fish McBites

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McDonald's Fish McBites ContainerHey guys, know what time it is?

It’s Lent, of course! The time of year when every fast food joint ramps up advertising on or creates a new fish product!

Wait…Lent is a holiday that isn’t specifically engineered to sell fast food fish? It’s some sort of religious thing? Man, I had no idea.

I am, of course, joking. But in case you weren’t aware, Lent lasts 40 days, during which time Catholics are not supposed to eat red meat, pork, chicken and probably a bunch of other meats I’m forgetting. I’m oversimplifying here, but if you’d like to know more about Lent, consult your local Internet!

Catholics can, however, eat fish, which is why fast food companies really roll out the red carpet for these water-dwellers. It may not be the only time they serve fish, but it’s when fish really shines on their menus. And if reading the Internet has taught me anything, it’s the best time to order fish, because it moves off the shelves faster, thus ensuring that you get a fresher product.

For the record, I have never, ever eaten fish from a fast food restaurant. Sorry, Long John Silver’s. It just seems like such a bad idea to me. I’m sure it’s probably fine – otherwise the news would be all over people constantly getting sick from it – but I’d probably rather eat 99% of any fast food restaurant’s offerings than fish.

For the record, I’m pretty sure bagged spinach has made more people sick than fast food fish. Just saying.

I decided to set my paranoia about fast food fish aside and try McDonald’s new Fish McBites. McDonald’s already has the Filet-O-Fish, but these McBites are a new and limited time menu item, and they set themselves apart in the world of fast food fish by not being a sandwich.

This is the part where I thought I’d start talking about the food itself. But then I saw the Fish McBites commercial.

M’gawd.

We start with a cabin, presumably located deep in the woods. The décor screams “rustic hunter” – a bearskin rug, pelts slung over the couch, and a lamp fashioned out of antlers. There’s a dude sitting on the couch, and two young women walk in.

Every bone in my body says that this is a bad situation. Is the dude on the couch a serial killer with a trophy collection of women’s heads just off-screen? Are they going to start a ménage à trois, which will result in a 100% chance of some disfigured maniac bursting in and slaughtering them all with a chainsaw?

Something awful is about to happen, of that I am sure. However, the nature of this impending doom is far worse than I imagined.

Before I even had a chance to notice what would truly make my skin crawl, one of the women asks the guy on the couch, “Hey, what are those?”

“Mmmm, McDonald’s new Fish McBites.” This response comes not from the man, but from a fish. Hanging on the wall.

And then it happens.

“FISHY FISHAAAAY!”

Suddenly, “Ba-ZIIIIING” Ruffles girl doesn’t seem quite so bad.

Get ready, because I am about to break this down.

Remember Big Mouth Billy Bass? You do. I know you do. Well, this is like I stepped into a time machine and fell into the middle of a Spencer Gifts circa 1998. However, instead of just one Billy Bass, there are 15 of them. And they are, for lack of a better term…”rapping”.

“Fishfish McBites, McBites. Fishfish McBites, McBites.

FISHY FISHAAAAY!”

At this point, the guy on the couch is nodding his head to the beat, like there’s absolutely nothing horribly wrong with this situation, proving that he must have something wrong in his head.

The camera pans out to show the whole panel of fish, all wiggling around like Billy Fucking Bass, and we get the full brunt of it – it’s the sound of an F-list Salt-N-Pepa cover band. Of fish.

“Fish McBites are succulent and breaded to perfection/So take a trip to Mickey-D’s and get-get-get-getya soooome”

At this point, an invisible, innocuous voiceover guy tells you the mundane details while all three humans sit around enjoying their Fish McBites. The whole thing only lasts 31 seconds, but I feel like I have lost part of my soul and about ten years off my life. It doesn’t help that I had to replay it a dozen times to make sure I got all the lyrics just right. Is there a word for something that goes beyond masochism?

Another little part of me withered and died away when I saw you could go to McDonald’s website and “create a mix of our catchy tune”. I would normally enjoy a pun like using the word “catchy”, but I hate McDonald’s so much right now that I can’t enjoy it.

While a phat beat plays in the background, you can click on a panel of fish like the one in the commercial, except all these fish say different and stupid things like “dipdipdip” and “TANGY TARTAAAAAR!”. After you’re done recording your abomination, you can share it with your friends on Facebook. And then you will have no more friends.

Okay. I’ve done it. I watched it so you don’t have to. Now let’s actually talk about the food. Hopefully it will help me forget what I just watched. Though I have a feeling I will never forget.

McDonald's Fish McBites

I’m a big fan of poppable foods like popcorn chicken, so McDonald’s already had me there. Burgers and sandwiches have their place in my heart, of course, but I’m a sucker for bite-sized dippables. Perhaps that’s what made me feel more comfortable making this my first fast food fish.

McDonald's Fish McBites Tartar Sauce

That said, let’s get real, here – we’re dealing with fish at McDonald’s. The jingle from MADtv’s “Lowered Expectations” skit ran through my head pretty much the whole time I was purchasing them. To compare Fish McBites to fish from a nice restaurant would be like comparing a McDouble to a kobe beef steak. It wouldn’t be fair.

McDonald's Fish McBite

To my surprise, I found there was no need to set the bar so low that a midget could clear it in a pole jump competition. The breading was light but crunchy, with no sogginess in sight. It looked seasoned, but the seasoning was very light.

McDonald's Fish McBites Inside

The fish itself was flaky and moist, with a very mild fish flavor. It was so flaky, in fact, that the McBites had a tendency to fall apart when dipped in the tartar sauce. A bit of a pop-and-dip malfunction, but I didn’t mind. While I have just enough decorum left not to do this in public, I had no problem getting my fingers saucy by fishing (augh) the rogue pieces out of the tartar, which was nice and tangy, complimenting the poppers.

I found myself trusting McDonald’s like I trusted the Gorton’s fisherman during my youth. It was impossible not to notice the similarity – like Gorton’s fish sticks, the Fish McBites were flaky, mild, and breaded, although I have to say, McDonald’s beat Gorton’s in the breading department by not being a soggy mess.

I ordered the “snack size” McBites, which turned out to be 13 McBites that wound up feeling like half a meal.

This being my first foray into the world of fast food fish, I can’t compare McDonald’s Fish McBites against any other restaurant’s fish offerings. On the plus side, having a virgin palate gave me an arguably objective opinion of them.

Sure, McDonald’s Fish McBites aren’t haute cuisine. But if you ask me, they’re a tasty treat that I would actually order again. While the fish (Alaskan Pollock, allegedly) might have a flavor too mild for some, they were moist, flaky, crunchy, and very poppable. I surprised even myself when I realized that I would definitely order these again, which had better be soon, since they’re a limited-time offer that will presumably disappear when Lent is over.

McDonald’s Fish McBites

  • Score: 4 out of 5 FISHY FI– you know what I can’t do it
  • Price: $2.29
  • Size: Snack Size (13 pieces)
  • Purchased at: McDonald’s
  • Nutritional Quirks: Pollock is specifically listed as the first ingredient, which is, well, more than I can say for Gorton’s fish sticks!

Other Fish McBites reviews: Brand Eating, GrubGrade, The Impulsive Buy

Junk Food

Limited Edition Pop-Tarts Frosted Red Velvet

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Limited Edition Pop-Tarts Frosted Red Velvet BoxHappy Valentine’s Day! Nothing says “I love you” like frosted toaster pastries.

Conversely, nothing says “I want to fatten you up so you lose all of your self-esteem and never leave me” like frosted toaster pastries.

Okay, so these Limited Edition Pop-Tarts Frosted Red Velvet aren’t technically for Valentine’s Day, but they might as well be. They came out about a month ago. They are, as the box screams, limited edition. And they are red and white.

In fact, why didn’t Kellogg’s market these as Valentine’s Day Pop-Tarts? Why isn’t their little toaster mascot wearing a diaper and holding a bow and arrow on the front of the box? Like many people on Valentine’s Day, I feel disappointed. By Pop-Tarts.

Limited Edition Pop-Tarts Frosted Red Velvet

While I’m disappointed by the missed opportunity for a holiday tie-in, I wasn’t disappointed by the appearance of Red Velvet Pop-Tarts. They were looking to emulate a red velvet cupcake, which is the most obvious sentence ever since there’s a picture of a red velvet cupcake on the freakin’ box, but they did do a pretty darn good job of it. Bright white frosting, fun red sprinkles, and a pastry shell that is red as red can be.

Limited Edition Pop-Tarts Frosted Red Velvet Back

While it’s not feasible to make a Pop-Tart to look exactly like a moist cupcake, the back of Red Velvet Pop-Tarts do a great job of looking like a brick, which I consider a plus. If you’ve ever dreamed of making an edible Fire Station, now is your time.

Am I the only person who has never noticed there’s punny little comments on the foil packages of Pop-Tarts, a la Taco Bell sauce packets? One I noticed was “I have a funny filling about this.”

Limited Edition Pop-Tarts Frosted Red Velvet Inside

Funny filling, indeed. Yeah, I’m making a terrible joke about exactly what you think I’m making a terrible joke about. Junk Food Betty is the New Yorker of food review sites.

Pop-Tarts describes their Red Velvet offering as “sweet cream-cheese-flavored filling enveloped by a red velvety crust and topped with vanilla icing and sprinkles. Toast it for a delicious treat your taste buds won’t soon forget.”

Unfortunately, I have to disagree with that last statement. My taste buds found these Pop-Tarts regrettably forgettable. I toasted them, which always makes Pop-Tarts better, but I couldn’t find any red velvet flavor in the pastry shell.

I was really looking forward to the cream-cheese-flavored filling, but what I got instead was a standard vanilla filling full of sugary sweetness. There was a tiny hint of cream cheese flavor, but I really had to concentrate to taste it. Mostly, I just tasted sweet pastry and sweet, gooey vanilla filling.

The frosting and sprinkles on top added a nice crunch to contrast the filling, but again, they added no red velvet aspect to these toaster pastries.

I wanted to like Limited Edition Pop-Tarts Frosted Red Velvet. As I mentioned, I was especially looking forward to the cream cheese filling. Cream cheese icing is the best, and I thought that this taste would really elevate these Pop-Tarts to the top of my Pop-Tarts flavor list, which is a real thing that I keep in my mind.

What I got instead was a perfectly generic Pop-Tart. Sweet frosting, sweet filling, pastry crust…Red Velvet Pop-Tarts nailed all of this, but the fact of the matter is that they’re supposed to taste like red velvet, and they do nothing of the sort.

Red Velvet Pop-Tarts do look pretty, and despite the lack of marketing as such, make a cute Valentine’s Day treat. But if you’re looking for some red velvet, do yourself a favor and go buy a real red velvet cupcake. Use these Pop-Tarts to make that edible Fire Station.

Limited Edition Pop-Tarts Frosted Red Velvet

  • Score: 2.5 out of 5 diaper-wearing toasters (or lack thereof)
  • Price: $1.99
  • Size: Box of 8 toaster pastries
  • Purchased at: Target
  • Nutritional Quirks: With the amount of food coloring that must have been added to these Pop-Tarts, I won’t be alarmed thinking I have bleeding intestines after my next trip to the bathroom. Again, the New Yorker of food blogs, ladies and gentlemen.

Foodette Reviews and The Impulsive Buy also reviewed these Pop-Tarts.

Junk Food

Darkside Skittles

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Darkside Skittles BagDarkside Skittles. Where to begin?

First of all, this is the most entertaining junk food packaging/concept I’ve seen in a long time. “The Other Side of the Rainbow”. What does that mean? I’ve never seen the other side of a rainbow, apparently. Or have I? Which side is the “other” side? I should really consult a leprechaun.

I’m pretty sure this is the “darkest”, for lack of a better word, candy concept I’ve ever seen, tie-ins to things like Disney villains notwithstanding. The dark blue packaging. The confusing yet ominous tagline. Even the flavors themselves, which I’ll get to in a moment.

There’s very little information about Darkside Skittles on the Internet, which I’m almost glad for, because it means that I can make up what kind of marketing Skittles was aiming for. I think I’ve actually figured it out, and it’s brilliant.

Darkside Skittles are the first ever commercial anti-Valentine’s Day candy.

Darkside Skittles Bag Broken Heart

I mean, just look at this heart, right on the package. It’s got an arrow through it, and the heart is broken.

The concept of Darkside Skittles is dark. The packaging is dark. The flavors are dark.

This is a candy meant for people who hate Valentine’s Day.

We all know someone who hates Valentine’s Day. Maybe they’re single; maybe they’ve had a nasty divorce or have had a string of bad relationships. Maybe they like to spout the usual rhetoric of Valentine’s Day being a holiday designed by Hallmark and Big Flowers and Candy. Maybe it’s you. Any way you slice it, there’s a large population of anti-V-Day people out there.

And Darkside Skittles are for them.

Or vampires. I can’t decide.

Darkside Skittles Bag Flavors

Let’s take a look at these flavors, which range from theme-appropriate to somewhat confusing to “what does that even mean?”

Darkside Skittles

Dark Berry: I’d file this one under “somewhat confusing”. There are many berries out there that are dark. Which one are you, Dark Berry? Are you blackberry? Blueberry? Boysenberry? Going with blackberry would have been perfect for the theme of these candies. Opportunity missed.

As it is, Dark Berry Skittles closely resemble “Berry Punch” from Wild Berry Skittles. I haven’t had Wild Berry Skittles in a while, but going from memory, they also seemed to be much alike in flavor. I wouldn’t be surprised if Skittles just poached them wholesale.

Dark Berry Skittles were true to their moniker, in that they were definitely berry-flavored but they don’t have a specific berry taste. It was kind of just…berry. Not unusual for a candy, but once I zoned on on the blackberry, it just made me more disappointed, even though I enjoyed the flavor.

Pomegranate: Well, at least this one has a straightforward name. Pomegranate has enjoyed some fad popularity of late, but it seems like an appropriate flavor for Darkside Skittles, as the arils (fancy name for seed coating; haha you just accidentally learned something) of the pomegranate are a deep, dark red. So is the juice, resembling very watery blood, which makes it a perfect choice for the Darkside.

The color of Pomegranate Skittles got pretty close to the real thing, but unlike pomegranate juice, dropping a Skittle on your shirt will not stain it forever, which is a plus. It was also the strongest flavor out of all the Darksides. It was very tart, as is real pomegranate, and actually did a pretty good job of capturing the flavor of the fruit. It lacked the depth of the real thing, but it’s also a bite-sized candy, so just coming close was a pretty good success.

Forbidden Fruit: I love the name, but had no idea what it represented until I ate one and rediscovered Original Sin. Whoops. Sorry, guys. I know, I know – a damn woman ruins things all over again. Figures.

Apparently, the fruit from the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil is darkish blue in hue, and tastes a lot like tropical punch. There was a definite melon flavor, complimented by what could have been a light berry flavor. Honestly, it was kind of hard to pin down, but it was tasty nonetheless. I guess when you’re the candy that got Adam and Eve kicked out of Eden, you’re allowed to be mysterious.

Midnight Lime: Here we come to the “what does it mean?” portion of Darkside Skittles. What the fuck is a Midnight Lime? Do they taste better at midnight? Oooo, do they turn pumpkin-flavored at midnight? Now that would be impressive.

Unfortunately, I’m old and am usually in bed by midnight, so I’ll never know. What I do know is that, at any time other than midnight, Midnight Lime tastes like…lime. Lime Skittles.

Darkside Skittles Midnight Lime Comparison

I just happened to have a bag of regular Skittles around, so I did a comparison, and I found almost no difference in appearance or taste. Okay, Midnight Lime is a little bit darker, and it was actually a teensy less tart, but if I slipped a Midnight Lime into your bag of regular Skittles, I bet you’d never know it.

If anyone who doesn’t fall asleep at 9pm after drinking a warm glass of Metamucil wants to try eating them at midnight, let me know how that goes in the comments section.

Blood Orange: Like Pomegranate, this one goes out to the vampires, or the knife-wielding ex-girlfriends. Blood oranges are orange on the outside and deep scarlet on the inside, and the color of these Skittles seems to be a compromise between the two.

Real blood oranges taste almost exactly the same as navel oranges, but they add a little bit more tart with the sweetness and are 100% more likely to ruin your shirt than regular oranges.

Blood Orange Skittles did a good job at mimicking this, being just a bit more tart than regular orange Skittles. Sure, “orange” is not a flavor that screams darkness, but you add “blood” to that and you’ve instantly got a solid concept, which beats the pants off Midnight Lime.

Like I said in the intro, I love the design of Darkside Skittles and am firmly convinced they are anti-Valentine’s Day candy, an idea that just delights me. Some of the flavors, like Midnight Lime and Dark Berry, feel a little phoned in. Forbidden Fruit and Blood Orange are flavors that aren’t exactly mind-blowing, but their concepts make them solid. Pomegranate is the one truly unique flavor in Darkside Skittles, and it’s got a color made for the Other Side of the Rainbow. While it doesn’t duplicate its namesake exactly, it gets definite points for coming close.

I have no idea if Darkside Skittles are limited edition or not – if they truly are an anti-V-Day candy, you’ll be seeing them in the clearance aisle soon. If they’re just made for vampires and goth kids, I guess they’ll be sticking around for a while. Hey, even goth kids need a little candy. They can’t subsist on black clove cigarettes alone.

Darkside Skittles

  • Score: 3.5 out of 5 pats on the back for not making one Star Wars reference the entire revie- dammit!
  • Price: $2.69
  • Size: 10.5 oz. bag
  • Purchased at: Target
  • Nutritional Quirks: Serious points to Pomegranate Darkside Skittles for mimicking the fruit so closely with artificial flavors.

Candy Blog also crossed over to the Darkside.

Fast Food

Jack in the Box Hot Mess Burger and Hot Mess Wedges

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Jack in the Box Hot Mess BurgerOut of all the fast food marketing currently out there, I’ve always enjoyed Jack in the Box’s the most. I feel like Jack, the walking, talking antenna ball head, should be creepy, but unlike the King, he’s not. He’s personable! And he even makes some commercials that are actually funny. That’s no small feat.

When I saw the commercial for Jack’s new Hot Mess Burger, which aired during the Super Bowl, I instantly liked it. Jack in a hair band named “Meat Riot”? Sounds like something I would make up. Naming your burger after your fake one-hit wonder “Hot Mess”? Giving your burger a derogatory name shows that you can laugh at yourself, and I appreciate that.

After showing the lovingly mocking 1989 music video, the commercial cuts to Jack and his son watching the video. Jack says to Jack Jr., “And that’s how I met your mother.” Imagining Jack and his giant ball head bangin’ some Meat Riot groupie on the tour bus is an image I’m working really hard to keep out of my mind, but it is the perfect ending to the commercial.

What really makes me love the Hot Mess marketing campaign, however, is its website. Seriously. Just click it, even though I’m going to describe it in detail anyways.

It’s cute that you can download the song, and the lyrics, etc., but my very favoritest part is the “Legendary Moves” section. There are four animated .gifs to click on, but what I care about are the names of the moves: “Sourdough Slap”, “Jalapeño Hammer”, “Onion Slicer”, and the one I fell in love with and actually laughed out loud at, “Spicy Spasm”.

I swear to god, this is all stuff my friends and I would come up with whilst sitting around shooting the shit. And I don’t even smoke weed.

It’s hard to make fun of something that’s already making fun of itself, but I will go for the low-hanging fruit and quip that “Spicy Spasm” sounds like something that happens to your colon after eating a Hot Mess Burger. Alternatively, I think I did the Spicy Spasm once when I accidentally inhaled some Tapatio sauce. Don’t ask.

The “Meat Riot Memories” gallery section also has some gems, my instant favorite being Jack rocking out on top of a volcano while lightning shoots from the sky and a dragon and a gargoyle do a little animated .gif dance. There’s a sick part of me that wants to tattoo this upon my person. Thank god I really don’t smoke weed. My decision-making skills are obviously poor enough as it is.

The last little funny part of this promo site is a section entitled “It Still Exists: MYSPACE”, with a button that will, indeed, take you to Meat Riot’s myspace page.

It’s all brilliant.

But what about the burger, you say? Fuck you, forget the burger. 5 out of 5 on the Hot Mess marketing campaign. End of review.

…Okay, fine. I’ll tell you about the damn burger.

Hot Mess Burger

Jack in the Box Hot Mess Burger

The promo picture for the Hot Mess Burger deserves a two-page spread in Food Porn Magazine, but we all know promo pics are a far cry from the real thing. I still found mine enticing, though.

Jack describes the Hot Mess as “Beef patty seasoned with salt and pepper topped with mayo-onion sauce, melted white cheddar and pepper jack cheese, fried onion rings and sliced jalapenos on sourdough bread.”

I love Jack in the Box’s sourdough buns. They always look toasted, but are usually just greasy and buttery. Some might consider this a minus, but I love them. The bun on my Hot Mess burger did not fail to live up to these rather low expectations.

Jack in the Box Hot Mess Burger Inside

If I was meant to take the words “Hot” and “Mess” literally, I would definitely credit Jack in the Box for getting the second word right. The sauce complimented the melted cheeses nicely, and boy was there a lot of melted cheese. It seems almost impossibly melted, like some cheese slice/sauce hybrid. It will get on your hands. It will possibly get on your shirt. And it was the shining star of the Hot Mess Burger. There’s not much heat from the pepper jack, but it was still a gooey delight.

Jack in the Box Hot Mess Burger Inside Close-Up

As you can see, the onion rings and jalapeño slices were present, as promised. They positioned the rings well, since I got a piece in almost every bite. Unfortunately, the crunchiness that should be present in a fried onion ring didn’t stand a chance against the sauce and melted cheese, so while it did add a nice fried flavor, the texture wasn’t really there.

The onion string inside also added some nice flavor, although I had some problems preventing the entire string from sliding out upon my first bite, which is a component of onion rings I’ve always found annoying.

The “Hot” part is mainly supposed to come from the jalapeños. When I got one in a bite, it did add some pleasant heat and even a little crunch. The key problem here is the word “when”. As you can see, my burger had four jalapeño slices. This is most definitely not enough.

I really liked the Hot Mess Burger – enough to order it again, even. There were some flaws – mainly the sogginess of the onion rings and the lack of jalapeño slice coverage – but the messy, gooey cheese and the sourdough bun worked so well with the burger itself that even the bites that weren’t spicy were still satisfying. I’m glad that I enjoyed this burger so much, because making a “hot mess” joke about the Hot Mess Burger would be a horrible thing to have to do.

Hot Mess Wedges

Jack in the Box Hot Mess Wedges

Reviewing Hot Mess Wedges is kind of an afterthought; I ordered them because I’ve always liked Jack’s Cheddar Bacon Potato Wedges, so I figured, why not?

Jack describes them as “Potato wedges topped with a melted white cheddar and pepperjack cheese sauce and sliced jalapeños.”

Notably, they use the phrase “cheese sauce” here. Since the cheese on my wedges was pretty identical to the cheese on my burger, I’m now wondering if my mouth (and my napkins) were right – is it a cheese sauce, or melted cheese? It is a delicious, gooey mystery.

Jack in the Box Hot Mess Wedges Close-Up

Hot Mess Wedges suffer some of the same faults as the burger, and a problem all too common with Jack’s Wedges – three or four of the wedges are absolutely coated in cheese, and the rest remain sadly dry, although still crunchy on the outside and fluffy on the inside. There were also exactly three jalapeños to cover at least a dozen wedges, which just doesn’t cut it.

Instead of spreading the sauce love thin, I’ve come to enjoy Jack’s saturated wedges on their own and then dipping the dry ones in some ranch dressing or mustard. This is obviously not ideal, since an order of Hot Mess Wedges should be able to hold their own, especially if you’re going to be eating them somewhere where extra condiments aren’t an option.

The best parts of Hot Mess Wedges are pretty much the best parts of the Hot Mess Burger – gooey sauce and crunchy, hot jalapeño slices. Like the burger, they suffer a severe jalapeño shortage; unlike the burger, however, the Wedges suffer a serious lack of cheese distribution. Maybe if I ordered some Hot Mess Wedges with double the toppings next time, they’d be more worthwhile. But also more expensive.

Despite its flaws, I very much enjoyed the Hot Mess Burger. The combination of buttery sourdough, excessive amounts of melty cheese, onions, and jalapeños all combined to make a tasty, messy burger. I would have liked to have seen more come from the onion rings as well as the jalapeños, but that crazy cheese was what really got me.

As for the Hot Mess Wedges, they suffered from a severe lack of topping distribution, which is not uncommon for Jack in the Box Wedges. The toppings that were there were just as tasty on the wedges as they were on the burger, but I’d probably opt out on them next time around.

The real winner here, however, is the Hot Mess marketing campaign. I’m scoring the food, of course, but the mythos surrounding the burger is a definite 5 out of 5. Jack in the Box’s ability to make fun of itself and create an extensive and well-crafted marketing campaign is a skill that I wish other fast food corporations would pick up. I’d like to give them all a Sourdough Slap.

Jack in the Box Hot Mess Burger

  • Score: 4 out of 5 …What else? SPICY SPASMS
  • Price: $4.29
  • Size: 1 burger
  • Purchased at: Jack in the Box #1165
  • Nutritional Quirks: Get your daily recommended intake of saturated fat all in one burger!

Jack in the Box Hot Mess Wedges

  • Score: 3 out of 5 Sadly absent Jalapeño Hammers
  • Price: $2.69
  • Size: 1 box
  • Purchased at: Jack in the Box #1165
  • Nutritional Quirks: 44 delicious grams of fat from one innocent box of potato wedges.

Man Reviews Food and The Impulsive Buy also got messy with the Hot Mess Burger.

Junk Food

Limited Edition Doritos Jumpin’ Jack Tortilla Chips

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Limited Edition Doritos Jumpin' Jack Tortilla Chips BagComing up with new flavors is haaaard. Just ask Doritos. Over the years, they’ve introduced us to such gems as BBQ pork rib-flavored chips, cheeseburger-flavored chips, and even jalapeño popper-flavored chips.

It may sound like I’m being disparaging, but it’s really quite the contrary. Those popper chips were part of the inspiration for Junk Food Betty, and I always get snaxcited (registered trademark on that word forthcoming) when the people at Doritos snort some flavor powder and come out with a wacky new flavor.

A few years ago, however, someone got back on their medication and came up with the grand idea to introduce a long-retired flavor: Taco Flavor Doritos. They even gave it the retro packaging treatment.

The response was immediate and controversial. That iconic bag! That flavor you remember as a child!

…Or not, on that last one. My Taco Doritos review got more comments than any other review I’ve done. It was a war between the “tastes just like I remember”s and the “tastes nothing like the original”s. It was the Hatfield and McCoy of tortilla chips.

Originally intended as a limited edition flavor, the outcry over Taco Doritos was so deafening that they almost immediately announced that it would be staying on store shelves, and to this very day you can pick up a bag (retro or current design!) and decide for yourself if you want to be nostalgic or outraged.

Realizing they were onto something, Doritos decided to reintroduce two more flavors: Sour Cream & Onion and Salsa Rio. Don’t read the first part of that post; I just realized everything I wrote above about Taco Doritos I also said in that review. I’m a one taco-trick pony.

Like their taco-flavored brother, these flavors also came out in their original retro packaging. Unlike Señor Taco, however, they truly were limited editions. They came, they went, you cried, you complained, or, if you’re me, you were generally indifferent.

If you’ve spent the last year throwing pennies into fountains wishing you had more Sour Cream & Onion Doritos, save that change and use it to buy a bag, because they’re back! Sorry, Salsa Rio fans; Doritos doesn’t think you’re good enough. Commence with the angry letter-writing.

Actually, your angry letters might be worth something, because according to Snack Chat, Frito-Lay’s blatant-marketing-disguised-as-a-blog, it’s you who brought back Sour Cream & Onion, as well as another limited edition flavor that I’ve spent the last 400 words not talking about: Jumpin’ Jack!

“WOOHOO!” I can hear some of you shouting through the Internet. “There was a flavor of Doritos called Jumpin’ Jack?” I can hear others wondering. I fall in with the latter group.

Apparently this flavor was introduced in 1990 and discontinued shortly thereafter. While I was old enough to have tried these back then, I was not quite old enough to know or care that they existed, so I once again invite you to leave a comment letting me know:

a.) how much these remind you of munching on the original chips while wearing a slap bracelet and watching Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, or

b.) how you remember eating the original while organizing your pog collection and watching Saved by the Bell, and these throwbacks taste nothing like them.

Both are welcome and appreciated.

According to the totally gnarly bag, these aren’t just Jumpin’ Jack, which is not an actual flavor, but they are pepper jack flavor, which is a whole different ball game. When I think Jack-flavored snack, I think generic cheese blandsville. But when I think pepper jack-flavored, my expectations rise. Now you’ve gotta bring the cheese and the spice, and not just in the generic way that Doritos is so very fond of. I want a sliced cheese tortilla chip party in my mouth, and if Doritos doesn’t deliver it, I’m bouncing them right the fuck out and keeping the bottle of rum they brought. BYOB ends at the front door, mofos. No refunds.

As a side note, I think we can all agree that the “Jumpin’ Jack” font is radical. Do The Bartman.

Limited Edition Doritos Jumpin' Jack Tortilla Chips

I gotta say, the flavor of these chips was not exactly jumpin’. They weren’t at all bad, or shall I say, grody, they were just sort of…generically Dorito-flavored. There was a distinct cheese taste, but I wouldn’t immediately say, “Oh, yeah, they nailed Monterey Jack!” It was milder than, say, Nacho Cheese Doritos, but it was just kind of…”well, yeah, that’s cheese dust”.

Limited Edition Doritos Jumpin' Jack Tortilla Chips Close-Up

Since these are supposed to be pepper jack-flavored, the chips were smattered with little red and black flecks. Saving this from being yet another “cheese and spice” chip, the pepper flavor was very mild.

I actually appreciated this, because it made Jumpin’ Jack Doritos closer to pepper jack cheese, which is only mildly spicy and not snot-inducingly spicy. Heat lovers may object, but I really liked that the heat was mild. It complemented the cheese well.

As I mentioned earlier, I never had the opportunity to try these chips when they first came out, so I have no idea if this throwback is loyal to the original. However, I liked Limited Edition Jumpin’ Jack Doritos. I didn’t love them, but I certainly didn’t hate them. They’re a solid cheesy Dorito offering with a nice, mild heat level. If they do go away, I won’t cry like Jessie Spano on caffeine pills, but if Doritos decides to keep them on store shelves, I may pick up a bag to munch on while I watch my VHS copy of Gremlins 2: The New Batch.

Limited Edition Doritos Jumpin’ Jack Tortilla Chips

  • Score: 3 out of 5 Bell Biv Devoe cassette tapes
  • Price: $1.49
  • Size: 3 3/8 oz. bag
  • Purchased at: Circle K #2821
  • Nutritional Quirks: Monterey Jack cheese is listed as an ingredient, but it’s pretty far down the list. In fact, sour cream places higher than the cheese itself.

Food Junk and The Impulsive Buy also did some Jumpin’ Jacks.

Fast Food

Burger King Cheesy Tots

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Burger King Cheesy Tots BoxCheesy Tots! I don’t know why I like those words so much, but I do. Say it out loud and with enthusiasm. CHEESY TOTS! CHEESY TOOOOOTS!

Okay, well that just looks like “Cheesy Toots”, which, while even more fun to say, is getting off-topic. I have the mind of a child.

Cheesy Tots are the third item I’ve had from Burger King’s winter menu, following their Molten Fudge Bites and Avocado and Swiss Burger.

“Tots”, besides being a synonym for “children of an annoying age”, is short for tater tots. Upon further research, I found out that “tater tots” are not as simple as they seem. I’ll let Wikipedia explain: “Tater Tots, a registered trademark of Ore-Ida, are a commercial form of hash browns, a side dish made from deep-fried, grated potatoes. They are widely recognized by their crispness, cylindrical shape and small size.”

Here we learn not only what tater tots are, but also that Ore-Ida is a total dick. Really, you’re going to trademark Tater Tots? Way to hamstring every fast food chain that sells deep-fried potatoes, which is pretty much all of them.

Of course, fast food marketers are clever, which is why Arby’s has “Loaded Potato Bites”, Jack in the Box and Whataburger both went with “Hash Brown Sticks”, and McDonald’s just skirted the issue altogether by going with hash brown patties.

Sonic threw the middle finger at Ore-Ida and just went with “Tots”, a smart move that Burger King has obviously adopted. These ain’t just regular tots, though. These are Cheesy Tots!

Burger King Cheesy Tots

Honestly, I would have been satisfied with just tots. Who doesn’t like a deep-fried grated potato? By adding cheese inside, however, BK upped the ante. Now I have cheesy expectations. I’ve tried Arby’s Loaded Potato Bites, which are supposedly filled with cheese and bacon, and they were a big letdown. Can Burger King rise above?

Yes, yes they can! I was pleasantly surprised by my Cheesy Tots. The outside was nice and crispy, which is a must for tots. Nobody wants a soggy tot.

Burger King Cheesy Tots Inside

There was a nice cheese-to-tater ratio inside, and you could actually taste the cheese, which was my main worry. The potato was just the right texture – not mushy but also not raw-crunchy – and the creaminess of the cheese worked well with it.

As a point of comparison, the overall taste and texture was more like McDonald’s hash browns than Sonic’s Tots, which I liked. I find Sonic’s Tots to be a bit dry and crumbly, and McD’s patties to be crunchier and moister, which is pretty much what BK’s Cheesy Tots were like, with the added bonus of cheese.

This may sound paradoxical, but I liked Cheesy Tots enough to want more from them. My first thought was that adding some jalapeño bits in with the cheese would be perfect. My second thought was that Cheesy Tots were begging for some dipping sauce.

Burger King’s Cheesy Tots deliver what they claim to be: “Crunchy bite-sized snacks perfect at any time of the day – featuring a crispy outside and a warm mixture of potatoes and creamy American cheese on the inside.” They’re not bland or boring, per se – I just want more out of them. I’m like the overbearing parent who frowns at an A- on her kid’s report card.

In other words, I’m a jerk. You’re a good snack, Cheesy Tots. I’m being a little unreasonable.

…Hey, wait a second, here. Take a look at Cheesy Tots’ page on Burger King’s website.

What’s this, now? Cheese Tots? Excuse me? Last I looked, you were Cheesy Tots, through and through. What happened? “Cheesy” Tots was too, well…cheesy for you? Trying to take all the fun out of Cheesy Tots and be all “adult”?

I’m not buyin’ it. I smell a conspiracy. I…have no idea what that conspiracy is, but I smell it. Coincidentally, it smells like grease.

Update: So curious was I about this Cheesy/Cheese thing that I decided to go back to receipt to see what it said…

Burger King Cheesy Tots Receipt

AHA! Proof of the cheesiness! In fact, they were so set on getting that “y” in there that they even sacrificed an S for a Z! I’M WATCHING YOU, BURGER KING. Just like The King used to watch people through their bedroom windows, before they “retired” him.

Also proof that I dug this out of my trash, since you can see the wet coffee grounds on the bottom of the receipt. You gotta get your hands a little dirty when you’re doing real investigative reporting.

Burger King Cheesy Tots

  • Score: 4 out of 5 name-changin’ flim-flammers
  • Price: $2.49
  • Size: Medium (10 Tots)
  • Purchased at: Burger King #17145
  • Nutritional Quirks: Not much unexpected here, but expect a blast of 880 milligrams of sodium for a medium order. May I also suggest adding to that number by having a little sriracha with your Tots?

Brand Eating, GrubGrade and The Impulsive Buy also reviewed these Tots. And they were all Cheesy.

Fast Food

Burger King Avocado and Swiss Burger

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Burger King Avocado and Swiss Whopper BoxBurger King has a tradition of rolling out seasonal menus, which I think is a great idea, because it allows them to play around with adding new items without bloating their menu to the point of ridiculousness.

It also means that their seasonal items are only available for a limited time, and if you’re a sucker like me, “limited time” means “I’d better eat this crap before it goes away forever”.

In case you’re not aware of how seasons work, this is the time of year for BK’s winter menu. Among their offerings are the Italian Chicken Sandwich, which is not new but is making a comeback, and some new items, like the Philly Chicken Sandwich and Molten Fudge Bites, which I recently reviewed for The Impulsive Buy.

Today we’ll be looking at the Avocado and Swiss Whopper, which is another new item. BK is a little behind the times in the avocado burger craze – Carl’s Jr./Hardee’s has offered the Guacamole Bacon Burger for years and Wendy’s has had both burger and chicken offerings featuring the guac.

I’m surprised I never reviewed any of these, because I love me some avocados. I think, subconsciously, I figured I’d be prejudiced against them.

Fact of the matter is, I’m kind of a snob when it comes to this fatty fruit. I grew up around the corner from my grandparents, who had a giant, glorious avocado tree in their backyard. They were always so plentiful that I never even glanced at avocados at the grocery store.

When I moved to Arizona, I was disgusted by the avocados I saw at the store. What were these black, wrinkly things? They looked sad and rotten.

I had to educate myself to learn that if you see avocados at the store, you’re probably looking at Hass. My grandparents had a Fuerte tree. If you’ve ever been raised with home-grown produce, you probably understand – anything from the garden is going to taste better than what you can buy at the store, whether it’s all in your mind or it really is true.

So naturally, I will forever look at Hass as being inferior to Fuertes. It’s illogical. However, I’m all about expanding my horizons, so I’m giving the Avocado and Swiss Whopper a fair shake.

 Burger King Avocado and Swiss Whopper

Burger King says, “Our new Avocado and Swiss WHOPPER® Sandwich is ¼ lb* of savory fire-grilled beef, topped with naturally smoked thick-cut bacon, melted Swiss cheese, a creamy avocado spread, freshly cut iceberg lettuce, ripe tomatoes, and a zesty avocado aioli, all on a warm, toasted, sesame seed bun.”

There’s a lot going on, there. One of the first things I noticed is that the aioli (oooo, fancy) and the avocado spread combined to make a very saucy burger. You have to have confidence to eat this burger in public, because things are going to get messy.

I tasted the aioli, a word which would cost someone dearly on Wheel of Fortune, by itself, and it really was zesty, but I couldn’t taste much avocado in it.

Burger King Avocado and Swiss Whopper Halves

However, the zestiness of the sauce paired well with the avocado, which seemed like it couldn’t decide if it wanted to be a spread or a slice. Half my burger had a chunky avocado paste, while the other had a big hunk of the fruit. I actually would have preferred if the whole burger had had avocado slices on it, because you could definitely taste more of it that way.

Burger King Avocado and Swiss Whopper Inside

The Swiss cheese did add some melty and creamy textures, but the flavor was swallowed up by the stronger elements. In fact, the avocado and the bacon were the strongest companions to the burger patty. The bacon was surprisingly crispy for a fast food burger, an attribute I feel is owed to the fact that it was, indeed, thick-cut.

Despite what sounds like a burger with a lot of competing elements, the Avocado and Swiss Whopper works. The zestiness of the aioli, plus the creaminess of the avocado and the cheese, are contrasted by the crunchy and smoky bacon, and the fire-grilled patty tied it all together. I could have done without the tomato and lettuce; they didn’t really add much, but they didn’t get in the way, either.

The Avocado and Swiss Whopper is a solid addition to Burger King’s winter menu. I would have liked to have had some nice, thick slices of avocado instead of a half-mashed spread, and the aioli could have just as easily been called “zesty” instead of “zesty avocado”, but the bacon was smoky and crunchy, which is rather rare for a fast food burger.

After my experience with this Whopper, I may try some of the other guac burgers out there. I’ll always love my Fuertes fresh off the tree, but I’m willing to keep an open mind and an open mouth when it comes to other avocados.

Burger King Avocado and Swiss Burger

  • Score: 4 out of 5 “sometimes Ys”
  • Price: $5.29
  • Size: 1 burger
  • Purchased at: Burger King #17145
  • Nutritional Quirks: Weighing in with 1,510 milligrams of sodium, you’re gonna want to get a drink with that. And some napkins.

The Impulsive Buy also reviewed this burger.

Junk Food

M&Ms White Chocolate Peppermint

4 Comments

It’s Christmas Eve, and I have a couple of holiday-themed items left to review and no time to review them! I’m like a frantic last-minute gift-shopper. Unfortunately, I can’t just go to JC Penney and pay them to wrap these reviews up for me. Although the idea of attempting that is amusing.

This is my way of apologizing for what will be a short review. Short but sweet. Like candy!

What a terrible segue.

M&Ms White Chocolate Peppermint are a new edition to the melts-in-your-mouth family this holiday season. They follow another white chocolate holiday M&M – White Chocolate Candy Corn.

I’m not quite sure why they decided to go with white chocolate for this flavor. Regular chocolate goes quite well with peppermint – why not work with that? Oh, wait – Mint Dark Chocolate M&Ms already exist. Maybe they figured making a Milk Chocolate Peppermint would be too similar?

Enough speculation. My brain doesn’t have time for this. It’s already thinking about ham. Christmas ham, of course; I don’t just sit around thinking about ham all the time. That I’ll admit to on the Internet.

M&Ms usually puts some effort in the packaging department, and White Chocolate Peppermints are no exception. Red and white stripes adorn the sides, obviously meant to represent the stripes on a candy cane.

Red M&M was an obvious choice to represent this flavor, and he’s wearing what I would call a Santa hat, except it has stripes and hangs down to his feet, which honestly looks more like some sort of Dr. Seuss accessory than what Mr. Claus would wear, but hey.

I’m really into Red M&M’s facial expression and gesturing. His outstretched arms say, “Hey, check out these White Chocolate Peppermint M&Ms, hm? Nice, right?” His half-lidded eyes and bizarre mouth configuration give off a distinct “Ladies, maybe you want some minty chocolates?”

His eyebrows seem to have migrated onto the fur trim of his hat. I have no interpretation for that one.

White Chocolate Peppermint M&Ms are about the same diameter as regular M&Ms, but seem a bit fatter. As I expected, one whiff from the bag filled my nostrils with the scent of candy cane. Not just peppermint – candy cane. An important distinction, and one that makes me wonder why M&Ms didn’t call these White Chocolate Candy Cane. It is both more accurate and more festive!

It would have been fun to see some red candy bits inside the M&Ms themselves, but these innards look like your typical white chocolate. Upon shoving a handful into my mouth, however, I was greeted with minty candy cane goodness. It was like sucking on a candy cane itself, minus the part where the end of the cane turns into a point sharp enough to kill someone and/or jab your gums painfully.

The crunch of the outer shell helped to add even more candy cane…ness to the M&Ms, and my mouth was transformed into a minty Christmas wonderland. The accuracy of the flavor was spot-on. However, candy cane is a strong flavor, which means that it completely overwhelmed the flavor of the white chocolate.

Going back to my original query as to why these M&Ms are white and not milk chocolate, I think they actually made a smart choice here. The white chocolate is naught but a delivery system for the peppermint flavor. It lends the texture of chocolate, but knows not to interfere with this decidedly Christmas taste.

At the risk of sounding like a broken record, I’m still baffled in regards to why M&Ms didn’t call these White Chocolate Candy Cane. Everything from the packaging to the color of the candies to the taste itself screams it, and yet they went with peppermint. While I find this to be a sadly missed opportunity, rest assured that if you need to get your candy cane fix, you can stop sneaking around stealing decorations off the Christmas tree and just grab a handful of M&Ms White Chocolate Peppermint instead. Unless you like stabbing yourself in the gums.

M&Ms White Chocolate Peppermint

  • Score: 4 out of 5 HEY DID I MENTION THESE SHOULD BE CALLED CANDY CANE AND NOT PEPPERMINT ENOUGH TIMES
  • Price: $2.99
  • Size: 9.90 oz. bag
  • Purchased at: Target
  • Nutritional Quirks: Not much unexpected here – sugar, sugar, and more sugar. No mint or artificial flavors listed, so I’m guessing “natural flavor” means “minty elf blood”.

Candy Blog and The Impulsive Buy also reviewed M&Ms White Chocolate Peppermint.