Pop-Tarts Toaster Pastries come in 32 different iterations. You’d think that would be enough, but now there’s Pop-Tarts Limited Edition Frosted Pumpkin Pie Toaster Pastries. Seems like a stretch at first, but hey, stuff some canned pumpkin pie filling into the already existing pastry crust, throw some frosting on top to represent whipped cream, and blammo, you’ve got yourself an autumn gimmick product!
The front of the box has a pretty generic fall landscape, but the real fun is on the back of the box.
Fall Fun! To be more specific. I’d attempt making Pumpkin Pie Pop-Tarts a la mode, which involves mashing up the pastries, lumping them on top of a scoop of reduced-fat frozen vanilla yogurt, and topping that with fat-free caramel ice cream topping, but I only have two Pop-Tarts and I only eat extra-fat vanilla ice cream. I love how Pop-Tarts tries to act like they’re soooo good for your kids. One of these Pop-Tarts has 200 calories, so if you finish off a pack of two you’ve just consumed more calories than are in a Whopper Jr. Not to shatter any illusions or anything.
A more interesting suggestion for Fall Fun, however, is making your own Pumpkin People!
The instructions are pretty easy: grab some little pumpkins or gourds, collect a bunch of nature bullshit like pinecones, leaves and pine needles, and glue that shit together. Unfortunately, I live in the southwest, so I guess if I made Pumpkin People they’d be covered in cactus needles and rocks. That’s depressing.
Pop-Tarts describes this process as “making your new friends”, but these Pumpkin People look like the natives are getting restless. I know the cold seasons can be trying on children who live in colder climates, but surely you could make some more friendly friends to hang out with when it’s snowing. Make your own Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man, perhaps? Of course, if you’re going to consider Pumpkin Pie Pop-Tarts a Halloween item, you should make your Pumpkin People as scary as possible. Maybe using cactus needles isn’t such a sad idea after all. Pumpkin Person Pinhead, here I come!
After a brief stint in the toaster oven, I took my Pumpkin Pie Pop-Tart out and cut it in half, and was instantly hit with the familiar smell of…well shucks, it smells like pumpkin pie! And it tastes like it, too! Okay, well not exactly. I am eating a Pop-Tart and not a slice of pie, after all. But the pumpkin pie taste comes through quite strongly, evoking memories of Thanksgiving and all the dishes I had to wash afterwards.
The pastry that holds the filling is largely tasteless, but the frosting adds a nice sweetness to the pumpkin flavor and does its best to make you forget that Pop-Tart crust sucks. It’s no whipped cream, but it’ll suffice in a pinch. I would have preferred my fall-inspired sprinkles to be a little less neon, and last time I checked, purple and hot pink were not fall colors. In fact, let me amend my previous statement: I would have preferred my fall-inspired sprinkles to be a little less not having anything to do with fall.
Honestly, I was impressed at the actual pumpkin pie-ness of these Pop-Tarts, until I realized that, seriously, all they had to do was take canned pumpkin pie filling and shove it into their already existing product. However, Pop-Tarts gets props for at least trying, which is more than I can say for 90% of the other products lining store shelves this month. Seriously, Ritz, where’s my bat-flavored cracker? You suck.
Thanks to the dedicated reader who graciously donated these Pop-Tarts to make this review happen!
Nutritional Quirks: Two Pumpkin Pie Pop-Tarts have almost as much sugar as a can of Coke. Good luck getting your kids to focus on making those Pumpkin People! Now that’s true horror.
Junk Food Betty is back in business! Sorry about that little problem over the past few days, hopefully that’s gone and done with forever and we can all pretend it never happened.
Get ready for some more Halloween treats, coming soon!
Box of Boogers almost didn’t make it to Junk Food Betty. I passed it up as “eh, just another novelty candy”, but then I saw “Ssssnot Your Regular Candy!” and I realized I’d be insane not to buy these. I mean, c’mon, look at this box:
Awesome, right? Look at that insane guy! And they actually use the term “boogies”! I didn’t even notice how much more awesome it got until I got home:
OH MY GOD THEY WERE PICKED OUT ESPECIALLY FOR ME. And check out those flavors! Snottermelon! Sour Green Boogy! Lemon Loogy! Okay, Sour Green Boogy is pretty weak, but I pronounce Snottermelon and Lemon Loogy to be solid. I haven’t seen this many puns about nose mucus since Jimmy Bermond performed his stand-up comedy routine at our fourth grade talent show.
The full-length view of Crazy Monster Chef is much more satisfying than the headshot on the front of the box. I count four different colors of stains on his clothes and spatula, and there’s a big ol’ spider hanging out on his hump. He appears to be cooking up a delicious stew of infant skull, bone of questionable origin, eyeball and earthworm, all in a delicious green sauce. Listen, I’m not super picky about the cleanliness of restaurants I frequent, but somebody should really call the Health Department on Crazy Monster Chef. If his appearance is any indication, I’m betting his kitchen has a number of violations.
Speaking of Crazy Monster Chef, I almost missed this little piece of joy on the side of the box:
He’s not generic Crazy Monster Chef, he’s CHEF GHOULICIOUS! And he has a whole pantry of candy! Chef Ghoulicious, you are the best! I promise not to call the Health Department on you.
The box alone would have been well worth the price, but it turns out there’s actually candy inside!
Expect to see this cocktail napkin again.
Snottermelon and Sour Green Boogy are hard to tell apart at first glance, until you realize the back of the box has a helpful color guide and each of the three flavors has their own unique but uniform shape.
Let’s just get the elephant in the room out in the open now: Sour Green Boogy looks sort of like cock-and-balls. There, I said it. Other than that, the boogers are basically lumpy, shapeless forms with flat bottoms. Still talking about the candy, folks. I’m not sure why the bottoms are flat, but it did make photographing them a bit easier. Chef Ghoulicious thinks of everything.
I like that Chef Ghoulicious kept true to booger colors. The shapes and sizes don’t exactly reflect any mocos I’ve ever mined out of my nasal caverns, but I love the colors. Clear snot is boring, but when you reach Lemon Loogy color, you know something is wrong. Probably coming down with a cold. Sour Green Boogy, you should probably see a doctor about that sinus infection. Snottermelon? I’m assuming that’s the color of mucus that Spiderman spews out whenever he sneezes. Box of Boogers teaches kids about early illness detection.
I forgot that I don’t like gummy candy until I bit into my first Booger. I’ve never eaten my own (or anyone else’s) boogers; or, at the very least, my mom scolded me enough when I was little so that I didn’t become that one kid everyone else made fun of in elementary school who ate her boogers in plain view of everyone. That kid was probably scarred for life, but she made great material for Jimmy Bermond.
Real booger consistency aside, Box of Boogers gummy candy are the kind of gummies that challenge your teeth to bite them in half on the first gnash. They manage to be springy, yet firm. I’m sure there are people out there who like this kind of texture, so I’m trying to remain objective and not give my personal opinion, which boils down to “this feels gross”. Then again, we are talking about a box of boogers, so maybe that’s actually an endorsement.
I pushed my distaste for the texture aside and decided to focus on the flavors, which were surprisingly well-developed for a throwaway gag candy. Snottermelon delivered a strong hit of watermelon candy flavoring, which of course tastes nothing like actual watermelon. I immediately thought of a watermelon Jolly Rancher, which is not a bad thing in my book. Sour Green Boogy tasted just like any other green apple candy I’ve ever tasted. It was more muted than the watermelon, and I think the addition of “sour” was extraneous, since all three flavors had that citrusy sour bite to them. I guess they tried to make up for Sour Green Boogy’s weak moniker by making it look like – oh right, we’re done talking about that. Lemon Loogy was probably my favorite. As you may have guessed, it tasted like lemon candy! The fine print on the back of the box clears up any confusion about what these flavors are supposed to be and lists Lemon Loogy as “lemon/lime”, but I think it most resembled a gummy incarnation of Lemonheads, which I enjoyed greatly as a child.
All in all, Box of Boogers gets an A+++ from me. I scored a box for just a buck on sale, and if I were a person of moderate means who wanted to be the talk of the town come November 1st, I’d hand these out to kids dressed up in cheap plastic Iron Man costumes in a second. Chef Ghoulicious and his green infant stew sells itself, and the sour gummies are just icing on the ridiculous gross-out cake. While gummy candies aren’t really my thing, Box of Boogers is my new favorite gimmick candy, at least until Box of Armpit Farts comes out.
Score: 4.5 out of 5 mysterious stains
Price: $1.00 (on sale; regular price $1.49)
Size: 3.5 oz. box
Purchased at: Albertson’s
Nutritional Quirks: No actual boogers listed on the ingredients list, but you never know. YOU NEVER KNOW MUAHAHAHAHAHA
Okay, so Halloween isn’t until the end of the month, but it’s my favorite holiday, so I hereby consider the entire month of October to be Halloween. I can do that, because this is my website.
I’m hoping to have lots of reviews (or mini-reviews) during this month that are Halloween-related. There may be some non-Halloween posts too, but I’ll try to pretend they’re spoooooooky too.
In this vein, I’d also like to request that my readers to let me know of any weird/new/cool Halloween junk food products you may come across. You can leave a comment or email me at junkfoodbetty at gmail dot com. It would also be helpful if you let me know where you came across the item.
I hope to hear from all of you (that’s right, ALL OF YOU) and have lots of creeeeeeepy content this month. If not, the clip art animated GIFs will continue. Yes, that is a threat. oooOOOOooooo!
Doritos has decided to team up with Electronic Arts and their colossus series of Madden NFL video games to produce two new “Madden NFL-inspired” flavors: Stadium Nacho and Tailgate BBQ. I’m finding the whole collaboration surprisingly difficult to describe. On the official website, they’re calling it “Change the Game”. I’m not sure what game I’m supposed to be changing. Football? Madden NFL 11, which is the newest game in the series and which seems to be the focus of the whole promotion? Hold on, let me just quote part of the website:
“…for a limited time, redeem exclusive on-bag codes for Madden Ultimate Team rewards from Madden NFL 11.”
Okay, so what the fuck is Madden Ultimate Team? Here’s the website again to help me understand:
“Madden Ultimate Team combines the best aspects of Madden NFL 11 gameplay, card collecting and fantasy football.
Earn, purchase and participate in user auctions to collect player cards, manage your fantasy roster and compete in online matches with your friends.”
I am now more confused than ever. Is it because I’ve never played a Madden game? There’s a card game? You can auction your cards? There’s a Madden-exclusive fantasy football league, or do they just mean fantasy football in general? By online matches do they mean the video game, which I would assume would have online competition functionality to begin with, or do they mean online matches with your cards? Are the cards vital to the fantasy football league? Do you have to collect enough cards, which I’m now assuming have football players on them, to have a full roster before you can engage in any card-playing at all? Is buying Doritos to get the special codes the only way you can get these cards?
To further complicate things, their website takes an intolerable amount of time to load, has an animated intro that tells you nothing, and either has very little information beyond the quotations above or makes it impossible to find any more information.
You know what? Fuck that website, and fuck me for not just reading the back of the fucking bag first.
There. Fine. Enter code. Get cards. But wait, there’s some fine print at the bottom of the bag…
“Collect all 3 ‘Ultimate Team Cards’ for use with EA Sports Madden NFL 11 Video Game with your packaging code…Limit 1 ‘Ultimate Team Card’ per packaging code. Limit 3 (1 of each exclusive ‘Ultimate Team Card’) per email address.”
So there’s only three cards available and you have to buy (or just write down from the bag in the middle of the store) three bags of Doritos to get all three cards but you can only have three per email address. And they have something to do with the video game.
You know what, Doritos? You win. I’ve been able to decipher your opium haze-induced marketing schemes for years now, but you’ve totally lost me with this one. Congratulations, your gimmicks have gotten so fucking complicated, obtuse and downright insane that I am ragequitting trying to figure this one out. I just spent 523 words trying to describe it, and I want to erase them all out of anger and just start the review with this next paragraph.
Doritos has some new fucking chips. The fucking flavors are Stadium Nacho and Tailgater BBQ. They are doing a fucking promotional tie-in with Madden NFL 11. Here is what the fucking chips taste like.
Doritos Stadium Nacho Inspired by EA Sports Madden NFL 11 Tortilla Chips
If you’ve never had literal stadium nachos, because you are a nerd or have common sense or whatever, they’re basically how you would imagine them: generic round tortilla chips with globs of processed cheese sauce. You have to close your eyes and use your imagination to believe there’s any real cheese involved. After laying out your $8 for soggy chips and tasteless chemical goo, you can fight your way through the milling masses of painted faces and foam fingers to the condiment bar, where you can ladle on enough spoonfuls of pickled jalapeño slices to fool yourself into thinking you’ve invested in something with flavor. Of course, by this time, you’re probably on your fourth plastic cup of beer and don’t really give a shit what you’re shoveling into your mouth anyway.
From this perspective, Doritos Madden Stadium Nacho succeeds greatly. I hesitate to say they taste remarkably similar to the classic Nacho Cheese Doritos, since I haven’t actually had a “normal” flavored Dorito in about 15 years, but they do seem to have that flavor, except a little toned down, which is reflected in the toned-down flavor powder colors. There appears to be flecks that would indicate some sort of pepper flavor, but I couldn’t discern anything spicy in the chip, thus ruining my opportunity to rant about Doritos repackaging their cheese/jalapeño flavor over and over again.
So, much like real stadium nachos, Doritos Madden Stadium Nachos are similar to real nacho cheese, but with less nacho cheese flavor. I’m a little conflicted – I mean, they aren’t gross, or bad, they’re just mediocre. If you’re sitting on your couch playing Madden NFL 11 and want to get that real stadium nacho feeling, these would be perfect for you. Like the guy who’s already half-sloshed on overpriced beer, you’re not really paying attention to the taste, anyway. As long as they’re a mild facsimile of the real thing, you’re satisfied.
Doritos Tailgater BBQ Inspired by EA Sports Madden NFL 11 Tortilla Chips
I went into Tailgater BBQ with low expectations. I’ve had bbq chips before. Who hasn’t? I consider Lay’s Barbecue chips to be as iconic as regular Cheetos, or, to tie this review together a little, Doritos Nacho Cheese. I see the appeal – they really do taste a lot like barbecue sauce – but I’m just not into it. Maybe I’ve grown bored of the flavor. Maybe I’m just not into that hint of sweetness. Either way, barbeque is barbeqboring. Wow that was horrible.
I figured I’d just be a little disappointed and also mention that bbq flavoring doesn’t belong on tortilla chips, but this was not the case. Tailgater BBQ goes further than just BBQ, and this is something I have said before, and will continue to say:
DORITOS: STOP MAKING MEAT-FLAVORED CHIPS. PLEASE. I BEG OF YOU.
This should be a large lesson for me as a reviewer in not going into foods with expectations. I’ve been around the Doritos block so many times now that I feel like I could write any review about their chips without opening the bag. Stadium Nacho taught me I was wrong with their lack of jalapeño flavor, and I should have taken that as a warning. Tailgater BBQ really brought the message home. Oh yes, there’s a definite barbeque flavor, although a little more subtle than a chip like Lay’s Barbecue, but there’s also a distinct meat flavor. Particularly, pork. Doritos Madden NFL 11 Tailgater BBQ tastes like barbeque ribs.
I have to say, kudos to Doritos for teaching me a lesson on expectations and also managing to create a tortilla chip that tastes like bbq pork ribs. I have no idea how much effort goes into achieving such a feat, but in my mind it seems like it would take a lot. Hundreds of hours in the flavor lab, trying to nail that balance between barbecue and meat. Not just any meat – distinctly pork. Kind of amazing, really.
After having a few more chips and thinking this over, I feel kind of bad for yelling at Doritos. I got blasted in the comments for giving Doritos Late Night All-Nighter Cheeseburger such a poor rating, and I’ve thought about it occasionally, because these are the things I think about. And I think they’re right. Doritos nailed the cheeseburger taste, and they shouldn’t be penalized for the fact that I think meat-flavored chips are disturbing. In fact, I think I may be coming around a little to the idea of eating meat chips. It challenges the palate in a way that I should embrace.
Okay, Doritos. You know what? You’ve won me over. I still hate your convoluted Madden NFL 11 promotional game with an inappropriate amount of passion, but your barbecue pork rib chips are a-okay in my book. I may not finish the bag or even eat another chip out of it, but you’ve done an impressive job on flavoring and I can’t deny that any longer.
However, I do have one more thing to yell about, now that I’ve changed my mind:
DORITOS: WHERE THE FUCK ARE MY BACON-FLAVORED CHIPS?!
Doritos Stadium Nacho Inspired by EA Sports Madden NFL 11 Tortilla Chips
Score: 3 out of 5 plastic cups filled with overpriced beer
Price: $3.99
Size: 11 1/2 oz. bag
Purchased at: Safeway #1717
Nutritional Quirks: Not much quirky going on here. They’s just cheese chips, yo.
Doritos Tailgater BBQ Inspired by EA Sports Madden NFL 11 Tortilla Chips
Score: 4 out of 5 spiritual revelations about meat chips
Price: Free (Buy one get one free sale with Stadium Nacho)
Size: 11 1/2 oz. bag
Purchased at: Safeway #1717
Nutritional Quirks: Contains no actual pork. You clever Doritos flavor lab bastards. Not sure if this is a relief or not.
Note: The Impulsive Buy has also reviewed Doritos Stadium Nacho and Tailgater BBQ Inspired by EA Sports Madden NFL 11 Tortilla Chips, with a much shorter review title. So has Food Junk, and he found the spice mine seem to lack.
I felt pretty guilty entering the driveway to my local Carl’s Jr. (or Carsl’s Jr., as it has affectionately come to be known) because kitty-corner to it, mere hundreds of feet away, sits my favorite mom ‘n’ pop sandwich shop, which serves the best cheesesteaks I’ve ever eaten. Given, I haven’t eaten a lot of cheesesteaks in my day, and I’m sure any Philly native would slap me across the face and start raving about Pat’s or Geno’s and how there certainly isn’t enough abuse from the staff when ordering, but all I know is that their cheesesteaks are delicious.
This is why I felt guilty as I drove past them in order to hit the Carl’s drive-thru to pick up their new Philly Cheesesteak Burger. I was eschewing my favorite, locally-owned sandwich shop in order to pick up some short-lived fast food gimmick. But that is my job, a job I don’t actually get paid for, so it had to be done.
The Philly Cheesesteak Burger is pretty self-explanatory. Carl’s Jr.’s website describes it as “Juicy steak, with sautéed green bell peppers and onions, and melted American and Swiss cheeses, all piled on top of a charbroiled beef patty and served between a seeded bun.” Using beef as a topping for beef, or really, a sandwich as a topping for a burger, should strike me as bizarre. But I’ve seensomethings lately that have apparently dulled my sense of the absurd, because the Philly Cheesesteak Burger doesn’t really seem that insane. Probably unsatisfying, but not terrifying. So I wasn’t feeling very trepidatious as I grabbed my sandwichburger without incident, avoiding eye contact with the real cheesesteak place as I drove home.
The Philly Cheesesteak Burger looked pretty innocuous on the outside, and actually smelled rather tasty. I decided to open it up to see what was inside…
Oh, come on, it doesn’t look that bad, right? Let’s take a closer look!
Okay it does look that bad. But I’m no food photographer, and I’ll be honest with you, I love how disgusting those pictures look because the Philly Cheesesteak Burger was actually delicious! I know, I’m as surprised as you are. The steak was actually juicy; it was finely chopped and really tender. The peppers and onions were crunchy, which seems quite a feat to pull off, considering fast food restaurants are seemingly incapable of keeping anything from becoming a soggy mess. While the onions didn’t add much flavor, you can distinctly taste the bell peppers. The cheese is impossibly gooey and creamy.
This all reminds me of the cheesesteaks I get from that place that sits in the same parking lot. There, you can watch them make your sandwich, and it is a thing to behold: the steak, peppers, onions and cheese are all mixed together with a giant metal spatula on top of a sizzling flat griddle. Something about throwing them around and mushing them together on that griddle makes the cheese gooey and distributed throughout the sandwich in a wonderful way, and while I hate to compare them to Carl’s Jr., I think Carl sent out a spy to see how they did it, because the taste and technique are remarkably similar.
Is this how all cheesesteaks are made? Maybe so; once again, I don’t have a whole lot of experience with this type of sandwich. But the cheesesteak on top of my burger was like my mom ‘n’ pop sandwich’s sidekick: less experienced, not as polished, and with about a 30% reduction in quality. It’s not your first choice when you’re being mugged in a dark alley, but it’ll satisfy you in a pinch. And save you from the mugger? I don’t know, this analogy fell apart pretty fast.
Oh yeah, and there’s a burger in there somewhere, too. The cheesesteak kind of overwhelms it, which I am perfectly okay with, but you will taste that Carl’s charbroiled flavor at the very end. Personally, I could have done without the burger altogether, but at least it kept the bun from completely falling apart.
Carl’s Jr.’s Philly Cheesesteak Burger is delicious, which I really wasn’t expecting. Tender meat, crunchy veggies, and melty cheese all tie together in a way I didn’t think would be possible from a fast food restaurant. The burger is almost completely extraneous, but I guess Carl’s felt obligated to throw it in there, perhaps because burgers are kind of what they do, or because they felt a burger with a cheesesteak on top if it would be a proper novelty item in this exciting era of “who can make the strangest food?” Either way, I’m a fan, and I’ll keep ordering them as long as they stay on the menu.
Score: 4.5 out of 5 sandwiches on top of sandwiches
Price: $3.69
Size: One burger
Purchased at: Carl’s Jr. #828
Nutritional Quirks: 1,420 milligrams of sodium, but that’s hardly unusual these days. Let’s go with vegetables that are actually crunchy, which is definitely a quirk for a fast food restaurant.
Curses! This new Country Fried Steak ‘N’ Gravy Biscuit from Hardee’s looks like the culinary equivalent of a unicorn galloping across a rainbow. Country fried steak + biscuits and gravy = Serious Awesome. Unfortunately, I happen to live in a part of the country that thinks Carl’s Jr. when they see the Happy Star, not Hardee’s. The closest Hardee’s to me is approximately 982 miles away and it would take 18 hours and 12 minutes to drive there. Not that I considered doing such a thing. That would be silly, right?
Their website describes the sandwich as “A seasoned, country fried steak with a generous portion of sausage gravy served between a Made From Scratch® buttermilk biscuit.”
My heart and stomach ache for it.
I’ll have to live vicariously through other people’s reviews for now. Hopefully, if it sells well, they’ll bring it over to Carl’s Jr.’s menu. If that ever happens, I’ll be on the Country Fried Steak ‘N’ Gravy Biscuit like sausage gravy on a country fried steak. Aw, man. Even my terrible analogies show I’ve got Hardee’s on the brain.
If you actually live in a state that has a Hardee’s, the sandwich retails for $2.19. I urge you to try one out and let me know what you think!
It’s almost getting boring to say things like “fast food restaurants are trying to one-up each other by creating increasinglymoreridiculous menu items”. I say “almost” because frankly, I hope they keep it up. This is the stuff I live for. It’s my bread and butter, baby.
So when a friend graciously alerted me to Denny’s new Fried Cheese Melt, I knew I had to have it. Denny’s isn’t the usual type of place I’d go to get a food to review – you mean, there’s a person who shows me where to sit, hands me a physical menu, and checks up on my periodically to ensure I’m having a pleasant dining experience? What foreign land have I happened upon?
But the Fried Cheese Melt was too deliciously silly to resist. It’s part of a revamp of their $2 $4 $6 $8 Value Menu, replacing the Three-cheese melt with soup or garden salad, which falls into the $4 category. According to Nation’s Restaurant News, Denny’s describes the Fried Cheese Melt as “made with four fried mozzarella sticks and melted American cheese grilled between two slices of sourdough bread. It is served with French fries and a side of marinara sauce.”
Yes, that is correct. Four fried mozzarella sticks stuffed inside a grilled cheese sandwich. Gawker calls it “culinary terrorism.” I call it AWESOME.
NRN also informed me that the new Value Menu doesn’t launch until August 24. My brain chose to ignore that statement, probably due to over-excitement, possibly because I was already sticking the keys into the ignition of my car. Either way, I found myself in my local Denny’s yesterday, eager to devour this potentially awesome, potentially lethal sandwich. You can imagine my disappointment when I didn’t find the sandwich on the menu. You can imagine my thoughts of suicide when I asked the waitress about it and she told me that it wouldn’t be out until next week.
And thus ends my non-review of the Fried Cheese Melt. Worst. Review. Ever.
But I like telling stories, so let’s just keep going! Who knows what kind of magical things could happen?
Resigned to my fate of not eating a Fried Cheese Melt and also of having to actually put pants on and leave the house again next week, I ordered a Spicy Buffalo Chicken Melt and consoled myself with a giant cup of ranch dressing. The sandwich was quite tasty, and the seasoned fries were really good. I tried to enjoy myself, but across the deserted restaurant they were conducting a training class, run by the female incarnation of R. Lee Ermey, so I could hear every word of what was going on. “The napkin-bundled silverware needs to be on the right of the place mat, not on top of it,” she shouted to a group of probably-terrified trainees. I looked down at my place mat, with its bundle carefully placed directly on top of the place mat on the left-hand side, and smiled a little.
But then they started talking about the new Value Menu items, and it’s like they were intentionally torturing me. A video was presented, where I could hear an overly cheerful gentleman describe in detail the sandwich that was beyond my grasp for another full week. Just as I was about to drown myself in ranch, our waitress magically appeared. Can you guess what she was holding?
“We have a treat for you! As you can tell, we’re doing some training over there,” she told me as she set the plate down on the table. “So, well, you know…” I wasn’t really sure what that last part meant, but I didn’t care. The sandwich was MINE! Tears welled up in my eyes and I thanked her profusely. My heart went from two times too small to just 1.5 times too small. Then I whipped out my extremely large camera and slid it across the table to my dining partner and sometimes-JFB-contributor Bob, because I’m too much of a sissy to take pictures of food outside the comfort of my own home. I didn’t tell Bob at the time, but I was also afraid the Feds would bust in and arrest me for culinary terrorism. I was happy I had the sandwich, but still heartless enough to throw him under the bus.
So, now that we’ve all gone through a classic tale of love lost and found again, how does this sandwich actually taste?
Well, it tastes like four mozzarella sticks inside a grilled cheese sandwich, which is actually pretty fucking delicious. The buttery grilled bread and the cheese surrounding the sticks keeps them firmly in place, which is great, because I hate when you’re eating mozzarella sticks and you take a bite and the whole gooey mess wants to stretch into your mouth and the breading gets all broken up. I also hate when the sticks get cold too fast, and I think the hot cheese helped to insulate them, keeping them warm and gooey but not falling apart. Additionally, the bread sopped up more marinara sauce, increasing surface area and absorbency so that a person who loves lots of dip like me could glob on as much as I wanted without the sauce sliding off. The marinara sauce was delicious, and the cup contained the perfect amount of it.
These are pretty much all of the things that I told the manager when he came over a little while later with our waitress. I knew he was the manager because he was wearing a tie! I felt like a rock star when he asked my opinion of the sandwich. I savored the feeling of power. My words could make or break this sandwich. Never mind the countless focus groups it probably went through before it hit my table; my word was Law. I could crush all the hopes and dreams of Denny’s marketing department with a single sentence.
But, like I said, I didn’t. I gushed and raved about it, and both the manager and waitress seemed very pleased by this. I bet the manager went home that night and told his wife all about how two twenty-something shlubs loved the new Fried Cheese Melt. She pretended to listen but was instead wondering if she remembered to record the new episode of The Real Housewives of D.C. It didn’t matter, though, because he was riding on Cloud Nine.
And thus ends my wonderful adventure at Denny’s. Ms. R. Lee Ermey provided great dining entertainment, I got a delicious sandwich that I wasn’t even supposed to have, I made a manager smile, and I got to feel like a rock star. Oh, and did I mention that the waitress didn’t even charge me for the Fried Cheese Melt? I hope I tipped her sufficiently, but really, you can’t put a price on such a lovely and somewhat surreal experience. Nay-sayers be damned; I’m two thumbs up on Denny’s Fried Cheese Melt.
Edit: Remember, the Fried Cheese Melt doesn’t launch until August 24. I got really lucky, but you might not.
Score: 4.5 out of 5 hearts grown 0.5 times bigger
Price: $0.00; normally $4.00
Size: One sandwich with a side of marinara
Purchased at: Denny’s #6491
Nutritional Quirks: It’s probably chock full of everything bad for you, but who cares?
I’m inappropriately excited about reviewing these Doritos 1st, 2nd and 3rd Degree chips. You see, I’ve been seeing 1st and 2nd Degree Burns in at least two separate stores. But wherever I looked, I just couldn’t seem to find the 3rd degree. I couldn’t understand – why so elusive? Why would you sell the first two, but not the third? Is it that dangerous? My frustration over my inability to locate the third burn only intensified my curiosity. And I couldn’t just review the first two, that would be…somehow wrong. Incomplete. So I was left to be constantly confronted by two thirds of a trio that I so wanted to take pictures of and write about on the Internet.
But then…then, one fateful Saturday afternoon, I walked into one of the stores that had been taunting me with burns that only required aloe vera and not a trip to the hospital and what did I see…3rd DEGREE BURN, MOTHERFUCKERS! I excitedly grabbed a bag and headed over to where the first two had been taunting me in the store for close to a month now. And yet, they were not there. I traversed the whole store, and couldn’t find them. So…you finally get the third, and then remove the first two? That don’t make no sense.
Luckily, I knew another place that also only carried the first two, so I picked those up and basked in triumph. And thus ends two paragraphs’ worth of a story that is only interesting to me.
Moving on! In case you don’t have a grasp on the simplest of medical concepts, the gimmick here is that there are three different levels of heat. Let’s take them literally, just for fun. The first degree, Blazin’ Jalapeño, will make your tongue mildly uncomfortable. There may also be some swelling. Run some cool water over your tongue for a while and stop being such a pussy.
The second, Fiery Buffalo, will…wait a second. How is buffalo hotter than jalapeño? According to the Scoville scale, jalapeños register in at 2,500 to 8,000 units. “Buffalo” isn’t a pepper, and thus isn’t on the Scoville scale, but I’ve had my fair share of buffalo sauces, and I don’t think any of them were in any way hotter than eating a raw jalapeño. I guess they could have just used a really hot sauce to make them. Well, regardless, after consuming these chips, you will experience severe pain and swelling of the tongue, as well as developing disgusting blisters. Cold water can also help here, but it is advised that you suck on the sap of an aloe vera plant throughout the day. Try not to pop those blisters that are filling up your mouth. That would probably taste pretty gross, and it’s bad for the wound. A sterile gauze bandage may be applied to your mouth to help protect the burn. I guess you should just stuff a bunch of gauze in there and carry around a pen and paper. It would probably hurt too much to talk, anyways.
The third degree, Scorchin’ Habanero, will fuck your shit up. Habanero peppers register on the Scoville scale at 100,000 to 250,000 units. It is advised that you wear protective gloves while handling these chips to prevent skin irritation. After you eat these chips, you should seek immediate medical attention. Do not remove any clothing you may be wearing on your tongue. Elevate the tongue to above the heart le- well I guess that one is taken care of. Call 911 or have someone drive you to the nearest Emergency Room; do not drive yourself, as you may go into shock and cause a car accident, which would only make things worse. Your tongue will require constant medical attention and bandage changes for weeks afterward. A skin graft may be required. They may harvest your new tongue skin from your buttocks.
After hearing all that, you must think I’m a fool for attempting to eat all three burns in one day. Well, maybe I am a fool, but I’m a fool who eats things so that you don’t have to. Some may call me a fool; others, a hero.
1st Degree Burn: Blazin’ Jalapeño
Hm. These certainly taste familiar. Where have I experienced this unique taste before? Oh, I think I remember! I think they remind me quite strongly of Doritos Late Night Last Call Jalapeno Poppers. Or maybe I’m thinking of Doritos Poppin’ Jalapeño! No, that can’t be it, I didn’t even know that was a flavor of Doritos until about five minutes ago. Well hey, maybe it was Doritos 3Ds Jalapeño & Cheddar, part of a brief and apparently unsuccessful gimmick from the mid-2000s!
What I’m trying to say here, and I think you’ve all pretty much guessed it by now, is that there’s nothing new in Blazin’ Jalapeño. I could go on a giant tirade about Frito-Lay constantly recycles their flavors into new gimmicks, but I don’t even want to get started, because that would then become half the content of this website. I just need to accept it and move on.
I don’t see that actually happening.
For those of you who haven’t tried any of these other iterations, the flavor is pretty straightforward – spicy heat with an undertone of artificial cheese flavoring. I actually like them quite a bit, and they pack a surprising amount of heat. Jalapeño pepper powder is listed as one of the ingredients, and it’s definitely not shy. Anyone who is not a big fan of capsaicin definitely would not like these. They’ve got a good burn, but not so much so that the flavors are overwhelmed.
I don’t really have a lot more to say about 1st Degree Burn Blazin’ Jalapeño, other than that we’re off to a pretty promising start. If this is 1st degree, I’m eager to see how much my tongue hates me as we move on!
2nd Degree Burn Fiery Buffalo
I wondered briefly why 1st Degree got the Blazin’ moniker and Doritos didn’t take alliterative advantage (heh heh) and call these Blazin’ Buffalo. And then I remembered why. I swear I’ve had Blazin’ Buffalo & Ranch Doritos before, and I don’t recall the buffalo chips being hot at all. Just sufficiently buffalo-flavored.
Holy crap! Holy crap these chips are hot! The first chip delivered a blast that immediately hit my sinuses in a way 1st Degree didn’t. It was a feeling akin to what happens when you put too much wasabi on a sushi roll. As I kept eating them, the burn kept building. I ate about a half dozen of them and my whole mouth was on fire. My lips were burning, and continued to do so for minutes afterwards. I actually had to sniffle a few times, as the heat was making my nose run a little.
I have to say, I’m honestly blown away. These are the hottest chips I’ve ever eaten. I didn’t know you could actually make tortilla chips this hot. I’m not getting a lot of buffalo flavor (although the “fiery” part certainly is present), but I could see how these would be really great with a nice, thick ranch dip. I’m sorry, but throwing some Cool Ranch Doritos into the mix won’t help this time – you’re gonna need a pretty serious dairy product to cut through the heat.
The flavor is really kind of hard to describe…”burny” is all that comes to mind. But it’s kind of a good burn. I’ve always poo-pooed those people who like to eat super hot hot sauce. What’s the point of eating something if all you taste is pain? And yet, I really liked 2nd Degree Burn. The little masochist inside of me enjoyed the slow build of torture. I don’t think I would eat them all the time, but honestly, if I had some good ranch dip around, I could really lay into these guys, watching tv with a box of Kleenex nearby so I could blow my nose as snot runs down my face.
I’m impressed! And now terrified of 3rd Degree Burn Scorchin’ Habanero. I’m actually going to have to wait a while before eating them to get some feeling back in my mouth.
3rd Degree Burn Scorchin’ Habanero
Okay so seriously I’m a little scared. Take a look at what I’m up against:
AHHHHHHHHHHH
When I was taking pictures, before any actual tasting started, I saw these and thought, oh, these are just going to be like Flamin’ Hot Doritos, because of the coloration. I’ve never had Flamin’ Hot Doritos, but I’ve had the Cheetos, and they are delicious, but not really that hot. The most threatening thing about them is that the violently brightly colored flavor powder stains your fingers, letting the world know that you have recently indulged in some form of Flamin’ Hot junk food.
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Now, I am not so sure.
Well, there’s only one thing to do about it, and that is to eat them. Let’s get on with it, then! I feel like I should have some sort of spotter or sitter nearby. Maybe a LifeAlert necklace. C. Everett Coop is looking down at me disapprovingly from the afterlife.
Here we go…
SPOILER ALERT: I’m alive! And I didn’t even have to go to the hospital (yet). I actually feel like 3rd Degree is about as hot as 2nd Degree. Of course, 2nd Degree could have turned my tongue into a charred wasteland, rendering me incapable of noticing heat differences. I got the mouth and lip burn. Less sinus irritation; only one sniffle came out of it. But I did get some eye tearing with 3rd Degree, and I definitely feel it more in the throat area. While I was eating them, I got that choking, burning feeling, like when you accidentally swallow some hot, spicy pho broth the wrong way. Like I need to cough, or gag. Or make that gross “HUUUKKKGGGHHH” sound uncivilized guys make right before they hock a loogie on the ground. Even after having not eaten them for a little while, my esophagus feels a tad scorched. Scorchin’! Well done, Doritos.
I actually got a little more flavor (other than “ouchy”) out of 3rd Degree than 2nd. They taste a lot like Spicy Nacho Doritos. Spicy Nacho Doritos are the wimpy kid in middle school who gets bullied on his way home one day, and the next day his older brother, Scorchin’ Habanero, comes out and absolutely kicks the shit out of those little assholes, sending them running home crying to mama. Apparently my mouth is the gaggle of bullies, in this scenario. My mouth is misunderstood; life at home is hard, and…oh, nevermind. The burning isn’t going away as fast this time and I think it has spread to my brain and I can no longer think straight enough to complete an already poorly constructed analogy.
Doritos 1st, 2nd and 3rd Degree Burns kicked my ass, and I’m happy to say that. I’m so used to fast food gimmicks claiming to be hotter than Hades winding up being about as spicy as your grandmother’s love life that I severely underestimated Doritos. Frito-Lay comes out with a new gimmick approximately once a week, and it’s usually the same flavors we’ve seen before with a shiny new bow and a poorly-executed concept. This time, however, they took a solid concept and really ran with it. Okay, so 1st Degree Blazin’ Jalaepeño was a total rehash, but it still fit perfectly into the progression of Burns and is still a tasty product, even if this is its fourth iteration. Heck, even if 2nd and 3rd Degrees are also rehashes and I just don’t know/remember it, the overall theme is solid, fun, and goddamn painful. Painfully delicious!
Ask me to say that again tomorrow when I’m on the toilet cursing every good thing I ever said in this review while my digestive tract stages a grassroots rebellion against Frito-Lay.
Oh, and as a side note, Doritos Burns has a little cross-promo with Pepsi Max, which claims it will “cure the burn”. I think they would have been better off striking a deal with Hidden Valley.
Now, if you’ll excuse me, my mouth has a date with a wad of gauze.
Okay, so it’s like, two weeks late, but I just wanted to say that JFB turned one year old on July 13th! Hooray! I know I haven’t been posting a lot lately, but I’ve got some good stuff backlogged (stuffed in my cupboard), and I’m hoping to rev up a little more soon. I’ve really enjoyed seeing my baby grow, from milestones like my first flame war to having the honor to write for The Impulsive Buy.
Thanks to everyone who has read my blog, especially those who left comments. I love getting comments, whether they be funny, informative, or just telling me I’m a horrible writer. I hope to be informing the Internet about horrible and/or wacky junk food for years to come. Cheers!
Junk food and fast food reviews from a leftist perspective. We eat it so you don't have to!
Pop-Tarts Toaster Pastries come in 32 different iterations. You’d think that would be enough, but now there’s Pop-Tarts Limited Edition Frosted Pumpkin Pie Toaster Pastries. Seems like a stretch at first, but hey, stuff some canned pumpkin pie filling into the already existing pastry crust, throw some frosting on top to represent whipped cream, and blammo, you’ve got yourself an autumn gimmick product!
