All posts by Kelley

Junk Food

Doritos Late Night All-Nighter Cheeseburger Tortilla Chips

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Doritos Late Night All-Nighter CheeseburgerI have to start out this review by saying that it would not have happened were it not for the courageous efforts of the man who mailed this bag of Doritos Late Night All-Nighter Cheeseburger Chips to me.  A friend of mine alerted me to this new flavor of Doritos, saying that his friend had recently consumed them.  Soon afterward, said friend emailed me, urging me to review them.  I was more than willing to do so; alas, due to my location, which gets no love from the test market homies, I was unable to procure this product.

All hope was not lost, however.  This friend-of-a-friend generously offered to mail me a bag, and so I gave my mailing address to a man that I had corresponded with via email exactly twice, relying on my friend’s word that he is a reputable member of society.  Don’t tell my mother; she’ll have a heart attack.

A box arrived in my mailbox soon after the email.  I have to mention that I am amused to no end at the image of a big city District Attorney, on his lunch break, resplendent in his pressed business suit, possibly with his DA ID tag still hanging off his lapel, going down to his local Post Office and declaring to the employee at the counter that yes, I am mailing a bag of Doritos Late Night All-Nighter Cheeseburger Tortilla Chips.  I’m sure it was one of the prouder moments in his life.  I thank you, good sir, for debasing yourself on my behalf.  Your efforts are greatly appreciated.

Doritos Late Night All-Nighter Cheeseburger Bag Front

Fortunately for me, the box did indeed contain a bag of chips, and not a decomposing severed head, or a bomb, or a decomposing severed head with a bomb in it.  That would have been a much more difficult review.   Maybe.  I haven’t actually tried the chips yet, so we’ll see.  We’ll also see if the bag contains actual chips and not just a mass of crumbs, due to its travel cross-country courtesy of the US Postal system.

I’ve commented on the insanity of Doritos’ marketing team before, and I’m sure that they will continue making bizarre products that will cause me to comment on it again.  However, in all fairness, I have to say that their Late Night line of chips was the impetus that finally motivated me to stop just talking about making Junk Food Betty and actually get it up and running.  You see, this is not the first Late Night offering.  Before All-Nighter Cheeseburger, there were two other offerings – Tacos at Midnight and Last Call Jalapeño Popper.  You can read a review of the former here and of the latter here.  I’d love to be able to link you to my own reviews of both of these chips, but back then, I was doing reviews on my sad little LiveJournal account, and I have too much pride to link you to that.  Suffice to say, writing about these two Late Night offerings finally convinced me that the world needed to see the insanity that is the junk food world, and LiveJournal was not the way to make that happen.  Thank you, Doritos, for being so insane.  You inspired me to make a real website that makes me spend money on ridiculous foods and brings in zero income.  Thanks.  Really.

Doritos’ press release for All-Nighter Cheeseburger actually sheds a little light on how the Late Night line was born.  “We’ve learned that snacking at night is important to our loyal consumers because they’re usually hungry after a night out with friends, and it serves as a key social occasion to relax and unwind with those friends…The trick was to find out what they were eating at night and then turn those foods into delicious Doritos flavors.”  This comes from the mouth of Associate Marketing Manager Julia Wells.

A well-worded explanation.  However, I think I can translate this comment into what really happened:

“Kids these days,” said some middle-aged white guy sitting in a meeting room full of other middle-aged white guys at 8am on a Monday, “Kids these days, they stay out all hours of the night, drinking their Jaegermeisters and their tequila, whooping and hollering and carrying on.  We need to find out what these drunken layabouts eat before they crash out on the bathroom floor at 4am, and we need to turn it into chips, and give it a hip name that will make them say, ‘Hey, these chips have a name that sounds like you should eat them when you’re drunk!  And the flavor sounds like things I eat when I’m drunk!  I need to buy these chips!’  That is what we need to do to bring in those no-good lushes.”

And so, Tacos at Midnight, Last Call Jalapeño Popper, and now, All-Nighter Cheeseburger were born.  I’m on tenterhooks waiting to see what they come up with next.  Let’s be honest, here; drunken college-aged kids will eat anything when they stagger home late at night.  I’d like to see some more realistic offerings in the future.  Here are just a few of my suggestions:

Late Night 24-Hour Diner Greasy Bacon and Eggs
Late Night Lost Pants Cold Can of Refried Beans with a Spoon
Late Night Sleeping Roommate Pizza That’s Been Sitting on the Stove for Three Days (although, to be fair, they already have that flavor in Collisions Pizza Cravers and Ranch)
Late Night Didn’t Score Improperly Microwaved Ramen

Doritos, if I see any of these flavors on grocery shelves in the future, I’m expecting some serious kickbacks from you guys!

Doritos Late Night All-Nighter Cheeseburger Bag Back

The night is calling, people, and you better answer the damn phone before it goes to voicemail, or else the night is going to be super pissed, because it knows you’re home, and it’s tired of you blowing it off to hang out with the daytime.  What’s so fun about daytime, anyways?  Ohhh, she’s got a sun, and the mall is open.  Big fucking deal.

Oh, no, wait, I read that wrong.  You’re supposed to satisfy your craving with these chips.  Phew, close call.  Anyway, I always obey the back of chip bags, so let’s get on with this.

Doritos Late Night All-Nighter Cheeseburger Chips

Hooray!  Lots of chips, not so many crumbs!  I had my doubts when I was handling the bag.  Way to pack, big city District Attorney!  If that whole prosecuting criminals thing falls through, you have a bright future at The UPS Store.

The flavor powder is pretty consistent with other Doritos; some get an over it, some are underflavored, but the majority have a fairly even coating.  The smell when you open the bag is overwhelmingly of ketchup and pasteurized processed cheese product.  Which is good coming from the angle of replicating a shitty burger bought at 2am, but not so great when you realize that these are chips.  Not a good chip smell.  Not good.

I forgot to mention earlier that this is not the first time Doritos has produced a cheeseburger-inspired chip.  In 2007, Doritos introduced the “X-13D Experiment”, another crazy-ass marketing gimmick wherein you have an “objective”.  The bag was simple and black, and had a little hint on the front that said “Tasting notes: All-American Classic”.  Basically, they were implementing the “guess the mystery flavor” trick.  On that other website I don’t like to talk about, I described them as tasting like “crappy McDonald’s hamburgers”.  Which is exactly what All-Nighter Cheeseburger chips smell like.  Will I be reliving that wonderful experience I had in 2007?

Answer: yes.  I have to say, they really did nail what a shitty cheeseburger tastes like.  As soon as you start chewing, there’s a bouqet of flavors assaulting you.  The ketchup hits first, then the crappy cheese, along with an unsettling meaty flavor that makes you seriously wonder what ingredients have been added that would give a tortilla chip the ability to taste “meaty”.  That’s just wrong.  There’s even an faint onion/pickle finish as you break the chip down.  How are they doing this?  There’s only one answer: Doritos has finally turned to the dark arts.  God help us all.

I gotta hand it to Doritos, black magic or no, they fucking nailed cheeseburger.  I don’t know how they did it, but it’s all there.  During some of the more destitute times of my life, I relied heavily on the $1 double cheeseburger from McDonald’s Value Menu in order to, well, not die.  I am intimately familiar with how that burger tastes, and this chip tastes like that hamburger.  I happen to appreciate the taste of McDonald’s shitty double cheeseburger, but I can see how other people would not.  There’s just something about that crappy, terrible burger that I really enjoy.  Now that I’m moderately less poor, I can afford bigger and better hamburgers for sustenance, but the shitty burger is still an occasional guilty pleasure.

So, you’re thinking to yourself, Junk Food Betty is all thumbs up on the Doritos Late Night All-Nighter Cheeseburger Chips, right?

Answer: no.  Here’s the long and short of it: just because you can make something, doesn’t always mean you should.  These chips are literally unsettling.  It’s like that scene in Alien Resurrection where Ridley comes upon that room with all those fucked-up clones of herself.  These chips are an abomination that never should have happened.  It’s not about tasting bad; it’s about tasting wrong.  Good for you, Doritos, you made a tortilla chip taste just like a cheeseburger.  Except now your creation is writhing around on the floor, its deformed  and contorted body leaving a trail of bloody mucus behind it as it struggles just to move, dragging its unnatural form pathetically as it cries out in a garbled voice, “kill me”.  Doritos Late Night All-Nighter Cheeseburger Tortilla Chips, you’re  making everyone very uncomfortable.

  • Score: 1.5 out of 5 decomposing severed heads with bombs inside
  • Price: Free!  I don’t know whether to thank big city District Attorney again or track him down via the return address on the box and beat him with a sock full of Doritos and batteries.
  • Size: 11 1/2 oz. bag
  • Purchased at: My mailbox
  • Nutritional Quirks: I could read the back of the bag and find out exactly what ingredients make a tortilla chips taste meaty, but I fear for my sanity.  Some things are better left unknown.

Note: Foodette Reviews also a review of All-Nighter Cheeseburger Doritos.  She favored them much more than I did.

Junk Food

Cheetos Crunchy Wild White Cheddar Snacks

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Cheetos Wild White Cheddar SmallToday, we’re looking at Cheetos Crunchy Wild White Cheddar Snacks.  I like that they just call them “snacks” on the bag, because I was wondering what exactly to call them.  Chips?  Weird lumpy corn sticks?  No.  Snacks.  Cheetos is the Herb and Jamaal of the snack world.  Approximately one person reading this will understand that joke.

Cheetos are famous, of course, for being the favored snack of video game-playing nerds living in their mothers’ basements.  I don’t know how or why this happened, but it’s true.  Cheetos doesn’t really fuck around with flavors; there’s the classic orange, Flamin’ Hot, and a couple of other ones that nobody’s heard of or cares about.  Unlike Doritos, who releases a new flavor every two days, the original Cheetos are immediately what you’ll think of when you hear the name.  Cheetos.  Orange dust-covered fingers.  Nerds.

Cheetos Wild White Cheddar

But now there’s Wild White Cheddar, which, according to Frito-Lay’s official press release, has existed before.  I had never heard of them before, but Frito-Lay says it was a “popular flavor”, so I guess I’m just an asshole who hasn’t been paying attention.  It’s also available for a limited time only, starting in late January and ending mid-February.  That is, indeed, a very limited time.  Kind of makes you wonder why they’re releasing them at all.  Hardly seems worth the effort.  I guess they’re banking on tools like me, who will buy any junk food that has a limited run.  I can’t imagine there are that many of us out there.

I’m not entirely sure what makes this flavor so “wild”, but hey, I’m all for alliteration.  Chester does seem pretty damn enthusiastic about putting that Cheeto in his mouth, even though it actually seems larger than his already enormous mouth.  Actually, if you look closely, it looks like we’ve caught Chester in the act of tripping over a Wild White Cheddar Cheeto laying on the ground.  Maybe he’s reaching out desperately towards the Cheeto, trying to grab onto it in the hopes that it will stop his fall.  That Cheeto cannot help you, my friend.  Your face has a date with the floor.  Maybe he’ll get lucky and land on that wedge of white cheddar down there.  I could think of worse surfaces on which to perform a faceplant.

Cheetos Wild White Cheddar Back

Flipside gettin’ crazy with the fonts, yo.  It’s a little hard to read from the picture, so let me help you out:
CAUTION!
These CHEETOS snacks are DANGEROUSLY CHEESY
So if you need to keep your hands clean, don’t even THINK about opening this bag!
BUT…
if you’re willing to get some
WHITE
CHEESY
DELICIOUSNESS
all over your fingers, open up

AND ENJOY!

I can’t tell if they’re trying to entice me to eat the snacks or terrify me into running out of the chip aisle of my local grocery store, blathering incoherently about my hands being unclean, so unclean.  People with OCD, Wild White Cheddar Cheetos are not for you.  But you’ve probably already figured that out.

I’m also not very comfortable with the sentence “If you’re willing to get some WHITE CHEESY DELICIOUSNESS all over your fingers, open up and ENJOY!”  Think, Cheetos marketing team.  Just…just take a few moments in the meeting and think about the words that you are putting together to form a sentence.

Cheetos Wild White Cheddar Close-Up

Not much of a cheesy smell present when you open the bag.  What comes through more is the smell of corn meal, which is what Cheetos are made of.  It’s kind of weird to see Cheetos not dressed up in their signature neon orange powder.  The white cheddar powder is barely visible on the light yellow Cheeto, causing them to look naked.  I’m sorry you have to suffer this indignity, Cheetos.

The cheese taste in Wild White Cheddar Cheetos is much more subtle than it is in original Cheetos, and it’s also less tangy.  The snacks taste mostly like that generic artificial cheese flavor that you’d find on other foods, with just a hint of what could pass for white cheddar.  They’re not bad, but they’re not exactly exciting.  The more understated flavor of Wild White Cheddar means that more of the corn meal taste of the Cheeto comes through, which could be a good thing or a bad thing, I guess.  For me personally, it’s a negative.  Ninety percent of the time, when I’m eating a snack food, I consider the chip (or “snack”) to be nothing more than the delivery vessel for the flavor powder, and if it’s a naked chip, it belongs in a dip.  Maybe that makes me a jerk, I dunno.  That’s just the way I feel.

Cheetos Crunchy Wild White Cheddar Snacks are boring.  There, I said it.  If I had a serious hankering for a cheese-flavored snack and these were the only things available, yeah, I’d eat them.  Like I said, they’re not bad, they’re just old news in the flavor department.  Despite supposedly being white cheddar, they end up tasting like just another artificially cheese-flavored product.  On the plus side, the white powder won’t stain your fingers like original Cheetos (or especially Flamin’ Hots) will, so you don’t have to hide the secret shame that you’ve recently been shoving Cheetos down your maw.

According to Frito-Lay, these snacks are only going to be available for a couple more weeks.  So if you have a burning desire to see for yourself what mediocrity can taste like, you better move fast.

  • Score: 2 out of 5 teeth knocked out of Chester’s mouth after his fall
  • Price: $2.99
  • Size: 8 oz. bag
  • Purchased at: Fry’s Foods
  • Nutritional Quirks: White cheesy deliciousness all over your fingers.  That doesn’t really have anything to do with nutrition, I just wanted to type it again.
Fast Food

Carl’s Jr. Grilled Cheese Bacon Burger

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Six Dollar Version
Six Dollar Version

When Carl’s Jr. told me via email and Twitter that it was introducing a new burger on the 27th of this month, I ran out that very day to purchase one and tell the Internet what I thought about it. I was very excited – so excited that I actually left my hermit cave when it wasn’t deemed absolutely necessary. My local Carl’s is within walking distance of my apartment, but I was a douche and drove there anyways. Hey, I’m already leaving the house – asking me to walk somewhere would be stretching it too far.

I made sure to ask the lady in the drive-thru intercom if they actually had the new Grilled Cheese Bacon Burger, because I live in the asshole of the United States, which means there’s a strong possibility that it might not have been available at my local joint yet. But, lo and behold, she said they had them, so I went ahead and ordered one, thrilled with my good luck. I waited in a short line of cars, as it was lunchtime, took my bag, and went home, ready to take some pictures and write some insults.

But fortune was not on my side that day, for when I got home and opened the bag, instead of a Grilled Cheese Bacon Burger, I was greeted with a Charbroiled Chicken Club and a small order of Natural-Cut French Fries. Shocked, terrified, I checked my receipt:

Carl's Jr. Grilled Cheese Bacon Burger Receipt
Note the creative use of spelling next to the store number. That goes out on every receipt that leaves that Carl's. Very professional.

GRL CH BGR certainly sounds closer to what I ordered than what I got. The only conclusion I could come to is that I got someone else’s order, and, in turn, they will get my order. Sucks to you, chicken lover. I wanted that damn burger.

I threw the chicken sandwich in the fridge, disgusted, and ate the fries, seasoning them with my own tears of frustration and disappointment. I could have gone back and tried again, but the wind had been taken out of my sails. I could not leave the house again, not after what had happened. My only consolation – hey, free fries!

So I tried again yesterday, and actually managed to get what I ordered. Before we get to that, let’s explore what Carl’s Jr.’s marketing team thinks we should know about the Grilled Cheese Bacon Burger. Your options are Single, Double, or Six Dollar. I went with the Single, so we’ll go with that description from their website: “A charbroiled all beef patty topped with crispy bacon, slices of melted Swiss and American cheese, and mayonnaise served on toasted sourdough bread.”

So, a Sourdough Jack, then. Minus the tomatoes. Maybe a little more cheese.

But this is not what Carl’s Jr. wants you to think. Fast food companies seem to think they need to add a gimmick on to each new menu item they introduce, as if the American public will not try new food unless you have somehow tricked them into buying it. In the Grilled Cheese Bacon Burger’s case, the spin they are using is that you love grilled cheese sandwiches, you have loved them since you were a kid, and it is your ultimate comfort food. According to their press release, “Carl’s Jr.® has created the ultimate comfort food, Grilled Cheese Bacon Burgers™. Starting today, fans of the cheesy, gooey comfort food can try one of the new Carl’s Jr. Grilled Cheese Bacon Burgers, which features all the comfort and deliciousness of the grilled cheese sandwich mom used to make, with the addition of a delicious charbroiled burger and bacon.”

The Executive VP of Marketing for Carl’s Jr. goes on to describe the “funny story” of how the GCBB was born, saying that they were looking to make some vegetarian menu items, came up with grilled cheese, and then some asshole said, “Fuck the vegetarians, let’s make this a motherfucking hamburger! With bacon! Motherfucking meat, you motherfucking carnivores! Fuck those pussies!”

…I’m not sure if that’s exactly how it went down, since I wasn’t at the meeting, but I assume I got it about right. So, the GCBB was born, but you can also get a grilled cheese sandwich if you like. But that doesn’t get its own press release or marketing campaign. Suck it, vegetarian pussies.

So, in conclusion, Carl’s Jr. wants you to buy their bacon cheeseburger on a sourdough bun and believe you are turning back the clock to simpler times, when you didn’t have a mortgage, or a job, or a spouse that you secretly hate, or children that are eating your soul. Bite into a GCBB and all your cares will melt away, much like how the delicious cheese on the burger melts down the sides of that succulent charbroiled meat.

Carl's Jr. Grilled Cheese Bacon Burger Cheese

Well, not quite. I got home with my new burger and unwrapped it eagerly, and this is what I saw. Not exactly what the marketing picture looks like. Of course, that picture is of the Six Dollar version, but still. I mean, look at the top bun of that promo burger. It looks like you could attach some legs to it and turn it into an end table.

Carl's Jr. Grilled Cheese Bacon Burger Bacon

But, that’s okay, we all know that the real thing never lives up to the advertisement pictures when it comes to food. My bun doesn’t look very toasted at all, the bacon looks like typical weak, limp fast food bacon, but hey, the cheese does look melty and plentiful. Take me away, Carl’s Jr.!

Carl's Jr. Grilled Cheese Bacon Burger Cut

Hm. Not so much. The burger itself tastes good, delivering that charbroiled taste that I think makes Carl’s burgers better than McDonald’s or Burger King’s. The cheese is, indeed, melty and plentiful. It does succeed at being the star of the show; with each bite, you get lots of gooey cheese that works perfectly with the meat. Unfortunately, to get that consistency, fast food restaurants use all that processed cheese, so you’re getting a lot of that processed flavor. Which doesn’t bother me; I can get over that artificial taste, but I’m sure it’s not for everyone. But hey, what kind of cheese did your mom use when she used to make you grilled cheese sandwiches? If you’re the average American kid, it was probably Kraft American Pasteurized Prepared Cheese Product. If not, then nuts to you. Stop being so hoity-toity. It’s uncouth.

There’s so much cheese , in fact, that it almost entirely drowns out the bacon, which isn’t such a terrible sin, since the bacon is small, limp, and lacking in flavor. The mayonnaise disappears also, but that’s perfectly fine. Mayo is not supposed to be the star. If mayo is the star, your burger is having a problem.

I think the real problem with this burger is the bun. In trying to emulate a grilled cheese sandwich, they’ve gone with sourdough, which I love. However, they’ve missed one important part, which is “grilled”. Bob, an occasional JFB writer, also got a GCBB, and his bread was just as un-toasted as mine was. The butter was there, but the toasting was not, which resulted in a soggy bun with no satisfying toast flavor or crunch. A grilled cheese sandwich that is not toasted properly is no grilled cheese sandwich at all. It’s just a sad, buttery mess.

If you can get yourself one that’s actually grilled, the Grilled Cheese Bacon Burger isn’t a bad burger. Even with untoasted bread, it wasn’t terrible, it was just…meh. I guess you could say it is kind of like a grilled cheese sandwich, in that bread and cheese are involved, but once you add a burger, it’s a freakin’ burger, man. It’s a burger with a little extra cheese and a different bun. Honestly, it’s a Sourdough Jack, and frankly, I’ll take the Sourdough Jack over the GCBB because they actually toast their bread. And tomatoes are yummy. So, you know, give it a try if you’ve got a Carl’s nearby, but don’t go too far out of your way for it. Hey, maybe your Carl’s will actually toast it for you. But if there’s a Jack in the Box on the way, just swing in there and get a Sourdough Jack instead. The meat might not be as good, but the sandwich will be better overall.

  • Score: 2 out of 5 sad, soggy buns
  • Price: $1.99, although the Carl’s Jr. press release says a Single costs $2.49.  Eat it, rest of the nation!
  • Size: 1 burger of unknown weight
  • Purchased at: Carl’s Jr. #828
  • Nutritional Quirks: Has “grilled” in the name; no actual grilling performed.
Junk Food

Milky Way Simply Caramel Bar and 3 Musketeers Truffle Crisp Bars

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I should have mentioned this in my last post, but the Coconut M&M’s, Milky Way Simply Caramel Bar and 3 Musketeers Truffle Crisp Bar were all released this month from Mars. The Coconut M&M’s were a re-release, but the latter two are brand new offerings. I bought all three at the same time, and apparently there was some sort of promotional coupon for doing so, but the cashier at my local convenience store and I had some language barrier problems, so when I looked at the receipt when I got home, there were all kinds of mysterious discounts.  I guess I got one free for buying all of them at once.  Who knows.

The point is that these guys are kind of related, and while Coconut M&M’s got a whole website for me to make fun of, both Milky Way and 3 Musketeers don’t even mention their new products on their website. Way to promote, guys. So, with little information to go off of beyond the wrapper and my own taste buds, I decided to combine the two into one review, since apart, they would probably be pretty short reviews. Consider it a twofer!

Milky Way Simply Caramel Bar

Milky Way Simply Caramel Bar

Milky Way Simply Caramel is described on the wrapper as “Real milk chocolate surrounding nothing but rich delicious caramel”. For any of you out there who grew up with parents who refused to allow you any sugar, never went trick-or-treating, and grew up to be the same kind of hippy douchebags as your parents, a regular Milky Way bar is a thick layer of nougat topped by a thinner layer of caramel, all coated with milk chocolate. Simple, tasty, familiar. So basically, all they’ve done is removed the nougat, leaving caramel to stand on its own.

Milky Way Simply Caramel Bar Cut

I probably should have tried to pull the bar apart instead of cutting it, to better represent the gooeyness of the caramel, but I used a knife, so deal with it. Trust me, though, it is gooey. Very gooey. The caramel is super thick; chewing it will get you nothing more than a bunch of teeth coated in caramel. You have to sort of roll it around in your mouth, letting the caramel and chocolate melt and slide down your throat. It’s very akin to eating one of those Brach’s Milk Maid Caramel Cubes, except you get the chocolate in there, too. You gotta work at it. You can’t just muscle through this candy bar, unless swallowing a big hunk of caramel whole is your thing, in which case, that’s just weird and I hope you choke on it.

I also probably shouldn’t have left the candy bar in my special picture-taking place while I went to check out the photos and start the review on the computer. Silly me, thinking a cat would take no interest in a chocolate and caramel bar. A few minutes after that picture was taken, the plate was on the floor, the top half was nowhere to be found, and my cat was licking his lips compulsively. I marveled at how a cat could eat that much candy bar that fast, but the intrigue evaporated approximately 30 seconds later, when he barfed up a giant, half-chewed piece of caramel and chocolate. So I guess he is one of those guys mentioned in the paragraph above. I’m glad he barfed instead of choking, but I do want to choke him a little bit for almost ruining my review.

Perhaps I should thank him for taking half, though, because there’s no way I could finish this whole candy bar on my own. The combination of chocolate and caramel is obviously tasty, but it is so rich. The caramel is very thick, and sweet, and each bite takes about three minutes to fully melt in your mouth. My jaw and tongue were exercised to their limits on the one half that I ate, and I felt like I was going into sugar shock.

Milky Way Simply Caramel Bar is a tasty choice if you’re in the mood for a candy bar. Caramel and chocolate always go great together. But you’d better have a friend (or cat) that’s got a serious hankering for some caramel too, because Simply Caramel ain’t playing around. If I had to choose between Simply Caramel and the regular Milky Way bar, I’d choose about one fourth of the Simply Caramel. But if someone had a gun to my head and demanded that I eat the entire bar, which, by the way, happens so often it’s getting ridiculous, I’d go for the original Milky Way. I’m not terribly fond of nougat, but its inclusion in the original Milky Way makes the candy bar lighter, and lets the caramel come through without you feeling like you just sucked your way through an entire bag of those caramel cubes. So, give it a try with some of your caramel-inclined friends, or wait until the fun size version comes out, because that would be the perfect portion of the Milky Way Simply Caramel Bar.

3 Musketeers Truffle Crisp Bars

3 Musketeers Truffle Crisp Bars

Quite the departure from an original 3 Musketeers bar, 3 Musketeers Truffle Crisp Bars are described on the wrapper as follows:

3 Musketeers Truffle Crisp Bars Description

I’ll be honest with you, I don’t exactly know what chocolate truffle means. I’d imagine they aren’t literally truffles, as in, the fungus that pigs are famous for finding. So I looked it up! According to ehow.com, they are not, in fact, truffles, but are called that because the cocoa-dusted ones resemble truffles.

Okay then.

I like the use of the word “enrobed”. I imagine the 3 Musketeers Truffle Crisp Bars wearing a silky milk chocolate smoking robe, a glass of scotch on the table beside it as it sits in its red velvet, high-backed chair before the fireplace, nonchalantly smoking his fine wooden pipe. 3 Musketeers Truffle Crisp Bars is the shit, and it knows it.

3 Musketeers Truffle Crisp Bars Cut

Anyways, the bars look pretty much like they do on the wrapper. Kind of enticing, really. They smell very rich and chocolaty, a much higher quality of chocolate than you’d typically find when sniffing a candy bar. This could be the chocolate truffle coming into play.

When you bite into the bar, it gives very easily, and the texture is very delicate. There’s a fun little snap when you hit the crisp. The crisp bottom part of the bar is much lighter than, say, the crisp of a Kit-Kat, and it plays well with the smooth chocolate of the truffle part.

I’ve never had a chocolate truffle, so I can’t honestly say if 3 Musketeers has hit the mark on the taste, but it’s definitely tasty. Satiny, and with a more refined taste and texture than the chocolate you’ll find in most other candy bars. The crisp part doesn’t really have much of its own flavor; instead, it takes on the flavor of the truffle, and adds that little crunch that plays with the smooth chocolate.

3 Musketeers Truffle Crisp Bars are quite different than other candy bars. I feel like I should hold my pinky out while I bite into the bar; it’s light and delicate, the chocolate is silky, and it melts quickly and easily in your mouth. It’s like the polar opposite of the Milky Way Simply Caramel Bar. I’ve got more of a salt tooth than a sweet tooth, so I don’t buy candy bars often, but if I did get that rare chocolate craving, this would rank high up on my list when it came time to decide what impulse item to buy. If you’re in the mood for chocolate, but don’t want anything too heavy and also don’t want to go down the more expensive road of fancier chocolates, I would definitely recommend you try a 3 Musketeers Truffle Crisp Bar.

Milky Way Simply Caramel Bar

  • Score: 2.5 out of 5 jaw workouts
  • Price: $1.19, $1.00 on sale
  • Size: 1.91 oz. bar
  • Purchased at: Circle K #2821
  • Nutritional Quirks: Cats can swallow it whole.

3 Musketeers Truffle Crisp Bar

  • Score: 4 out of 5 times I had to think of a synonym for the word “smooth”
  • Price: Free, I guess?  Something here was free.
  • Size: 1.1 oz. pack of 2 bars
  • Purchased at: Circle K #2821
  • Nutritional Quirks: 85 calories per bar ain’t bad.  Also: smooth.
Junk Food

Coconut M&M’s

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Coconut M&M'sAs a responsible junk food reviewer, I feel I have an obligation to my enormous readership to remain as objective as possible when tasting the foods I will be writing about. Now, that can be easy when something tastes good, or boring, or I basically have no opinion at all going into it, but when it’s something that I already know I’m not going to like before I even open the package, it gets a little harder.

Such is the case with these limited edition Coconut M&M’s. I do not like coconut. I never have. I can see how others would enjoy the taste, but for some reason, it just doesn’t appeal to me. So, I could go out there and give this candy a terrible review just because I don’t like coconut, or I could try to get into the mindset of someone who does like coconut, and give it a fair shake. As tempting as it is to do the former, mainly because I enjoy talking shit, I suppose I’ll do the responsible thing and attempt the latter.

Coconut M&M’s page on the M&M’s website is sparse but not too hard on the eyes. They describe their product as “Sun, fun, and M&M’s Brand Coconut Chocolate Candies! This limited-edition flavor is sure to be a hit, whether you’re at the beach, or just dreaming of one.”

Coconut M&M's

If I’m at the beach, my primary concern is probably not M&M’s, but I understand their need for a tie-in. Ms. Green M&M looks like she’s having a pretty good time maxing and relaxing on the front of the package, although go-go boots and butler gloves wouldn’t be my first fashion choice for the beach;  but, oh no, what’s going on with Yellow over there in the background! He appears to be in distress, falling out of a Coconut M&M’s tree (now you know how Coconut M&M’s are made – grown on trees) and losing hold of his binoculars, which I’m assuming he was using to check out (read: stalk) Green M&M.

Coconut M&M's Yellow

Apparently he is stranded on a desert island, about to incur serious injuries as a result of his fall, and without the proper medical attention he’ll need, he’ll probably die a very painful death soon. But before that happens, I can watch his antics (read: struggle to survive as gangrene sets in) on a live feed! …Except I can’t, because every time I click on the button, I get “page not found”. I guess Yellow is already dead. RIP, Yellow M&M. Your bright color and obsession with Green M&M will be missed.

Coconut M&M's Flower

Yes, please do imagine the power. I wanted the evil eye story to be a baseless lie, but according to Wikipedia, it’s true, and Wikipedia is always right, so I guess I’ll have to leave M&M’s alone on that one. In fact, here’s a totally awesome website that will show you how use a coconut to ward away the evil eye! From what I can see, chocolate would not help this ritual at all. But, I guess you never know.

Coconut M&M's Colors

Coconut M&M’s come in three colors, as shown above. I assume the brown represents the outer coconut shell, the white the flesh inside, and the green for the leaves of the coconut tree. I enjoy that they’ve stuck with the theme. But what’s this?

Coconut M&M's Special

Out of the 25 M&M’s that came in my bag, 5 of them had special designs on them! Three beach umbrellas and two palm trees on little beaches. I was excited to see the special little images, but a little disappointed in the amount of candies that only had the “m”, and the lack of variety in the pictures was a bit of a letdown. I thought the flower image on the candy represented above might be one of the ones I didn’t get, but looking at the picture from the Coconut M&M’s website, I’m only seeing umbrellas and palm trees, so I guess everybody is representing. Well, hey, it’s better than nothing.

Coconut M&M’s retain the round shape of regular M&M’s, but they’re a little bit fatter, like regular M&M’s with a thyroid disorder. I bit one in half to see if there would be a special white filling, but found only chocolate inside. However, the taste of coconut is definitely present. As I stated before, I’m not a fan of coconut, but even I found these to be not horrible. You mostly taste the familiar M&M’s chocolate flavor when you first start chewing on a piece of the candy, but as the shell melts away and the chocolate breaks down, a nice, subtle wave of coconut washes over your mouth. I really appreciate that the flavor isn’t strong or overwhelming the chocolate; it’s like a delicate note that compliments the chocolate, instead of trying to compete for the spotlight. The audience is your taste buds. Understand?

I really expected and kind of wanted to hate Coconut M&M’s. Stupid coconut, ruining everything from donuts to mixed drinks to suntan lotion. However, the coconut flavor in these candies is an understated, almost elegant addition to the chocolate of regular M&M’s, and while it is obviously artificially created, it still tastes distinctly coconut. Also, despite the fact that I cannot watch Yellow M&M’s ghastly demise live from my computer, I like the beach-y theme that runs throughout, from the packaging to the colors to the special little images on the candies, scarce as they may be. If you like coconut and you like M&M’s, you’re almost certainly going to enjoy Coconut M&M’s. It’s almost certain that I’ll never finish my own package of them, but I can still objectively appreciate them as a fun and unique sweet snack.

UPDATE: Just as I finished writing up this review, I took a closer look at the package of Coconut M&M’s sitting in front of me on my desk and noticed this:

Coconut M&M's All Images

I see a little sun and the aforementioned flower in there! I was gypped! Oh well. At least I got half of the Coconut M&M’s tropical imagery experience.

  • Score: 4 out of 5 pours onto the ground for Yellow M&M
  • Price: $1.19, $1.00 on sale
  • Size: 1.5 oz. bag
  • Purchased at: Circle K #2821
  • Nutritional Quirks: Probably the least I’ve ever hated coconut.
Beverages

Mountain Dew Throwback

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Mountain Dew ThrowbackMountain Dew Throwback first came out with much to-do in April 2009. As you may have already been beaten over the head with, its big draw was that it was made with real sugar, instead of the high-fructose corn syrup that has taken over the lives of every American, caused an epidemic of obesity, and will probably kill each and every one of you reading this article, if the Internet and my television are to be believed. Way to go, fatties.

But wait! Salvation has arrived from PepsiCo, in the form of Pepsi Throwback and Mountain Dew Throwback! Even though they’ve been feeding you that deadly HFCS for I don’t know how long, they’ve decided to throw you a rope, and now you can enjoy your sweet, sweet soda without fear. Because sugar is natural, so therefore, giant amounts of it are good for you! Unlike HFCS. Stupid, deadly corn syrup.

But wait! PepsiCo apparently only wanted you to have a taste of the sweet life, because both Throwbacks went away in June of 2009, leaving you to drive your Jazzy right on back to the original Mtn Dew and its poisonous sweetener. Parting is such sweet sorrow.

But wait! Before you even had a chance to keel over from Type II Diabetes, at least, I’m assuming, Throwback is back! For eight weeks starting December 28, 2009 and ending February 22, 2010, you can satisfy your massive sweet tooth with real sugar and not syrupy suicide. If they keep this up, all you’ll have to do is buy a few dozen pallets of Throwback from Costco and you can ride out the drought until they re-release it again.

I didn’t have a website to vomit my opinions of food onto the Internet and generally insult many of my readers when the first Throwbacks came out, and I don’t generally drink soda, so I never got a chance to try them. However, BevReview and The Impulsive Buy did, so you can read their expert opinions on the original Throwbacks.

I chose to review Mountain Dew Throwback and not Pepsi, or both, because a.) I am a cheap bastard, b.) I never really liked the taste of Pepsi in the first place and find Mountain Dew to be less offensive, and c.) because it contains caffeine, and probably for some other stupid reasons I don’t know or care about, Mountain Dew has become associated with geeks and gamers, so I get to work in some jokes about mom’s basement and Cheeto dust and World of Warcraft. There. All worked in, now.

The original Throwbacks went retro in their packaging to help emphasize their regression back to using sugar, as seen in this ad:

Throwback Old Ad

The new Throwbacks have all new can designs, and while Pepsi went back to the late 80s style that I’ll always associate with the beverage, since my mom drank about a six pack a day during my formative years, Mountain Dew went waaaay further back, drawing from the original can design from the 1950s.

Mountain Dew Throwback Label

Ya-hooo! Indeed! That there is Gran’ Pappy, the official mascot of Mountain Dew from way back in the day, smiling as he narrowly averts death by cork from a moonshine bottle. On the original logo, Gran’ Pappy had a gun, pointing at a fleeing figure who was presumably trying to steal his booze. I mean, soda. For those not in the know, “mountain dew” is, or was, slang for moonshine, so ol’ Gran’ Pappy there makes a great mascot for the soda. Of course, as time moved on, I’m sure the marketing team realized that associating soda with illegal hooch, guns and hillbillies wasn’t the best strategy, so Gran’ Pappy faded into the past, and the logo evolved, eventually becoming “edgy” and XTREME to appeal to young, fat video gamers. They even officially changed the name to MTN DEW in 2008, because kids these days don’t have the attention span for extra letters. And, of course, it’s easier to text message. You can see a nice picture timeline of the transformation here.

After spending several hours researching this bullshit for your benefit, let’s get to the fucking drink already.

Mountain Dew Throwback Comparison

Obviously, the packaging between HFCS Mtn Dew and Mountain Dew Throwback is different, but how do the flavors stack up?

First of all, I’d like to mention that I almost couldn’t get the cap off the Throwback, which would have resulted in much anguish on my part. The cap on Throwback is shorter, smoother, and has less ridges than the Mtn Dew cap. Subsequently, my frail, Victorian era-esque hands did not have the strength and lacked the purchase to open the bottle easily. Fortunately, I drew upon the strength within myself, my desire to get this fucking review over with, and was able to crack the cap.

Mountain Dew Throwback Bubbles
Left: HFCS Mtn Dew Right: Mountain Dew Throwback

There’s no real appreciable difference in appearance. They both have the citrus-y smell typical of Mtn Dew, but the original HFCS has a sweeter smell to it. Throwback tastes cleaner and feels more watery in your mouth, compared to the thicker, more syrupy feel of Mtn Dew. However, Throwback tastes almost identical to Mtn Dew. This could be because it contains orange juice concentrate, just like the HFCS version does. Apparently, this is something that was lacking in the Throwback of early ’09, which probably resulted in a difference in taste that may have put some people off. But I suppose I’ll never know, since I didn’t try it.

Mountain Dew Throwback Flat
In case you forgot - Lt: HFCS Mtn Dew Rt: Mountain Dew Throwback

Something interesting I noticed while I was taking my pictures is that the Throwback seemed to lose its bubbles almost immediately, while Mtn Dew had big bubbles of carbonation clinging to the sides of the glass, occasionally breaking free and rising to the surface. Even as the two glasses sit on my desk while I write this, the Mtn Dew continues to show bubbles, while the Throwback looks as flat as if it had been sitting there for three days. Interestingly, however, Throwback doesn’t taste flat, but it does seem to be more subtly carbonated than Mtn Dew. While this doesn’t effect the taste, it does differ the texture, making it go down a little different than your typical soda, which can cause a carbonation explosion in your mouth if you’re not careful.

I think the addition of orange juice concentrate into the re-release of Mountain Dew Throwback was a smart move, because it results in a soda that tastes very similar to the original Mtn Dew. However, it does have a cleaner taste that goes down more smoothly and feels less like it’s coating your mouth with sugary syrup. The sweetness levels are almost identical; I feel like Mtn Dew is one of the less cloyingly sweet sodas, and the substitution of sugar for HFCS in the Throwback version doesn’t make it taste any more or less sugary. In the end, it’s a matter of preference in texture – original Mtn Dew feels a little thicker and more carbonated, while Mountain Dew Throwback goes down cleaner, but in a way that some Mtn Dew enthusiasts may say makes it taste watery. If forced to choose between the two, I’d go with Throwback, but just by a hair. I prefer the cleaner feel in my mouth, but in the end, the authentic Mtn Dew taste is the same in both of them. And, of course, it’s made with real sugar, whereas everybody knows high-fructose corn syrup causes bunions and what’s known as “Stomach Liver Hybridization”, among many other unspeakable things.

  • Score: 3.5 out of 5 pours onto the ground for Gran’ Pappy
  • Price: $1.49, $0.99 on sale
  • Size: 20 oz. bottle
  • Purchased at: Albertsons #980
  • Nutritional Quirks: HOLY SHIT IT’S REAL SUGAR

BevReview has also written a review of the new Mountain Dew Throwback.

Fast Food

KFC Fiery Grilled Wings

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KFC Fiery Grilled Wings BucketI’ve been burned before, if you’ll excuse the pun, by fast food chains’ claims of spiciness and heat in new menu items they introduce. Burger King’s Angry Whopper and Taco Bell’s Volcano Menu come specifically to mind, with their commercials of people sweating and steam coming out of their ears and, well, volcanoes, and yet, the heat just isn’t there. So you can understand my wariness when I learned of KFC’s new Fiery Grilled Wings. I decided to try them anyways, though, since I already like their grilled chicken, so at the very least I’d be eating grilled chicken wings, and I can think of a lot worse things to be eating.

For those of you who only eat organic produce and don’t have a television, KFC introduced their grilled chicken in April of 2009, making a big to-do with their “UNFry Day”, launching their UNTHINK ad campaign and touting the new product as a healthier option than their traditional fried chicken products. I didn’t have this website back then, but I did try their grilled chicken, and found it to be delicious. In fact, in the handful of times I’ve been to KFC since they launched their grilled chicken, I haven’t once gone the way of the fried.

KFC went with “fiery” instead of “spicy” for their new grilled wings, which, of course, opens the door to a whole wave of ridiculousness in their commercials.

KFC Fiery Grilled Wings Firebreather

Caution: KFC Fiery Grilled Wings are to beat eaten outside, and only by a trained professional.

KFC Fiery Grilled Wings Tiger

I guess here you are the tiger, and you are jumping through hoops to get to KFC’s new Fiery Grilled Wings.

KFC Fiery Grilled Wings

The wings have similarities and differences to both traditional buffalo wings and to their un-fiery big brothers. Instead of getting your fingers covered in buffalo sauce, you will get them covered in grease. They have a crispy skin like KFC’s other grilled chicken, but the pieces I got seem to lack the somewhat disturbingly fake-looking grill marks that the bigger chicken pieces have. Most of the reason I love KFC’s grilled chicken so much is that, first of all, it seems to be juicier than their fried chicken, and second, it has a great spice blend on the skin that reminds me of their Rotisserie Gold chicken that disappeared in the mid-1990’s, much to my anger and despair. Even in high school, I was already writing angry letters in my head to fast food chains.  With these wings, they’re about as juicy as any other chicken wing you’ll find, and the grilled chicken spices seem to be masked by the “fiery” spice.

KFC Fiery Grilled Wings Spice

The spice, I have to say, does not disappoint. It tastes nothing like the heat of buffalo sauce, instead delivering a straight-up capsaicin heat that comes from the little pepper bits on the surface of the wing. After a couple of wings, my lips were actually burning, but the heat didn’t hit my mouth enough to necessitate a glass of milk or perhaps a dip of ranch dressing, a traditional accoutrement to buffalo wings that did not accompany my Fiery Grilled Wings. They were fiery, but not so aggressive as to put off the average American’s pussy-whipped taste buds.

With a crispy skin and a bit of bite, KFC’s Fiery Grilled Wings are a tasty alternative to traditional buffalo wings. I, however, will probably never purchase them again. I have a beef (again, pardon the pun) with chicken wings. I used to enjoy them, until one day, one of my pretentious foodie friends got on his soapbox about them, declaring them bullshit on the grounds that they are basically the worst part of the chicken, and positing a conspiracy amongst chicken producers to spin chicken parts with very little meat into a very profitable party snack.

I usually ignore his ranting, but it made me think, and after a while, I decided that I agreed with him. Chicken wings are difficult to eat, yielding very little meat, which you really have to work for as you navigate around a heavy concentration of bones, tendons, and other icky bits. So, while I like the kick of Fiery Grilled Wings, I’d rather stick with KFC’s grilled chicken drumsticks, thighs, breasts, and the like. KFC’s Fiery Grilled Wings come in a sad biscuit box of five pieces (at least, that’s what my order came in), or considerably cooler-looking buckets of 20 or 30 pieces. If you’re the type who likes to sit down with some friends and some wings to watch a football game, there’s nothing wrong with giving these a try. Don’t let my opinion on chicken wings in general stop you. I’ll just secretly judge you as an uneducated goon who likes sub-par chicken and watching grown men in spandex pile on top of each other. I’m just saying.

  • Score: 3.5 out of 5 fire-breathing tigers
  • Price: $3.99
  • Size: 5 wings
  • Purchased at: KFC #Y303048
  • Nutritional Quirks: Contains beef powder, dehydrated carrot, and, most tastily, calcium silicate.

The Impulsive Buy has also written a review of KFC Fiery Chicken Wings.  Check out his opinion, too!

Junk Food

Athens Hors d’oeuvres Chipotle Cheese in Black Bean Fillo Shells

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Athens Hors d'oeuvres Chipotle Cheese Black Bean Fillo ThumbI found these new Athens Hors d’oeuvres, which I will from here on call Hors to avoid spelling errors, in my grocer’s freezer section, filling up the space that my beloved  Joy of Cooking products had once occupied. Once my rageful pounding on the glass of the freezer door had subsided and the opaque red film had faded from my vision, I took a closer look at them. I am a sucker for most foods Mediterranean, and my love of appetizers is legendary, so if you name your company Athens and start talking about Hors, I can’t help but show some interest.

Athens Hors d'oeuvres Chipotle Cheese Black Bean Fillo Front

Chipotle Cheese and Black Bean seems an odd choice for a decidedly Greek-sounding product, which is, of course, why I chose them. I also chose the spinach and feta variety, but who wants to hear about them. It’s much more fun to mock a Greek appetizer that’s trying to be Mexican.

Athens Hors d'oeuvres Chipotle Cheese Black Bean Fillo Back

There are six varieties of Hors, and I will list them for you, as well as a brief comment regarding how appropriate they are in the realm of Greek appetizers, summoned up by an extremely arbitrary rating system:

  • Mediterranean Vegetables in Corn Fillo Shells – I don’t normally associate corn with fillo, but they get a pass for using the word “Mediterranean”. 3 gyros.
  • Chipotle Cheese in Black Bean Fillo Shells – There is nothing Greek about this at all, but at least they used fillo (or at least the word) and didn’t just go with a mini tostada shell. 0.5 gyros.
  • Spinach and Feta in Traditional Fillo Shells – See, now we’re talking. This is all Greek, all the time, and they didn’t even fuck with the fillo. 5 gyros.
  • Artichoke and Cheese in Spinach Fillo Shells – Still pretty traditional, but anything Greek without feta is a small crime. 4 gyros.
  • Three Cheese in Tomato Fillo Shells – Feels like they’re kind of phoning it in on this one. Tweak it a little and it could be a Tostinos Pizza Roll. 2 gyros.
  • Salmon and Cheese in Traditional Fillo Shells – The type of cheese isn’t specified, but I’m going to assume it’s cream cheese, and these guys are a hit in the Jewish community. 1 gyro.

But enough of this. We’ve only got one flavor on the table today, and it’s the Greek/Mexican fusion that is becoming all the rage amongst the hipster crowd. Or haven’t your heard? Well, let’s check these little puppies out.

Athens Chipotle Frozen

Aw, they come in a cute little tray, each with its own cup so that nobody has to fight over space or possibly cultural tensions. Hard to see if they’ll come out looking like the picture on the front of the box, at this point. The box describes them as “zesty chipotle cheese with red and green bell peppers, plus a dash of lime juice, cumin and cilantro”. I have to say, they sound more appetizing than most supposedly authentic frozen Mexican foods. I’m looking at you,  José Olé.

The box commands me to bake them at 350 for 20 to 25 minutes. Microwaving is not recommended, you lazy assholes. I assume microwaving them would result in a lovely mess of molten cheese and completely mushy fillo. I always obey the box.

I only cooked four out of the 12 that come in the box. I thought that would showcase my delicate feminine appetite, until I read the back of the box and saw that the suggested serving size is two. I guess that is why they are Hors d’whatevers and not a Hungry Man dinner. Of course, the back of the box also suggests that you can turn them into a light meal. Whether or not they imply that the suggested serving size of two is a light meal (anorexic ladies, I’m looking at you!), or that the whole box of 12 is a light meal (bulimic ladies, I’m looking at you!), I haven’t a clue. But I’m going to stand behind my choice of four and not get neurotic about what kind of meal portion choice I’m making.

Athens Hors d'oeuvres Chipotle Cheese Black Bean Fillo Done

Not quite as lively as the front of the box would indicate, but that’s to be expected. The top of the cheese looks shriveled, but the fillo cups are crisp and crunchy, holding up quite nicely. The smell is cheesy, the kind of processed cheese odor that wafts off of your typical microwaved nacho cheese sauce.

They taste disappointingly generic. The crunch of the fillo is a nice contrast to the squishy cheese, but make sure you have a plate, because if you’re not going to eat it in one bite, the flaky dough is going to go flying everywhere when you bite into it. I’ll halfheartedly back up their claims of “zesty”, but their enticing description on the front of the box pretty much ends there, in terms of validity. The cheese filling could be pretty much any other cheese filling from any other frozen food product. When I think chipotle, I think smoky, and there’s no hint of that. The lime and cilantro are also disappointingly absent from the party. I’ll give the bell peppers some credit, if only because there was a hint of that “zesty” in there, just enough to keep it from tasting like bland cheese filling. I actually thought I caught a hint of black bean, so I broke off some of the fillo to eat on its own, but the fillo itself was flavorless. It’s possible they added some black bean flavoring to the cheese itself, which gave it just a hint of depth.

Basically, Athens Hors d’oeuvres Chipotle Cheese in Black Bean Fillo Shells are more of a mindless junk food than an elegant Hor that you can present to all your guests at your elegant dinner party. Something you can pop into the oven and eat 20 minutes later while you sit in front of the TV and watch reruns of Three’s Company. Squishy cheese in a crunchy shell; it’s not good, it’s not bad, it’s just something you eat at 1pm on a Saturday to tide you over until it’s time to order a pizza. You could substitute a dozen other frozen appetizers and get the same result – I ate something, it had an okay flavor, now my stomach will shut up for a couple of hours.

  • Score: 2.5 out of 5 Hors
  • Price: $5.79
  • Size: 12 pieces (5.9 oz.)
  • Purchased at: Albertsons #980
  • Nutritional Quirks: Ingredients contain chipotle powder, lime juice, cumin, cilantro, and black bean powder, yet none can be tasted.
Fast Food

Whataburger A.1. Thick & Hearty Burger

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Whataburger Thick & Hearty Gone

Whataburger’s A.1. Thick & Hearty Burger has been an off-and-on limited edition menu item for at least a few years now. I’m not sure why they feel the need to compulsively add it to the lineup, take it away after a few months, and then bring it back around a year later, but I suppose Whataburger can do whatever Whataburger wants. Maybe it drums up excitement and anticipation in the burger community. I don’t know. I didn’t go to burger college.

Whatever the reason, it’s moot now, as Whataburger has decided to do away with it forever. As you can see in the banner above, as of December 21, 2009, the A.1. Thick & Hearty Burger will no longer exist to satisfy your meaty cravings. I have had several of them over the years, and wouldn’t usually do a review on something that has become fairly commonplace to me, but I feel I owe it to the T&H to give it a proper send-off and immortalize it on the Internet.

Whataburger Thick & Hearty Wrap

For those of you who don’t live in the ten select states in the southern part of the United States that have Whataburgers, Whataburger is like a higher-end fast food burger joint. Sort of like In-n-Out, but with a more expanded menu. You can walk in or drive thru, but either way, your wait is going to be longer than it would be at a place like Burger King or McDonald’s, and the food is going to be a little more expensive. Conversely, the food will be of higher quality. If you want to see what you’re missing, you can take a gander  here.

Whataburger wants to make sure that you know you should be seriously mourning the passing of the A.1. Thick & Hearty Burger. We’re talking weeping, pulling hair, rending clothes. There’s a commercial out now that shows a man standing in front of a Whataburger counter; once he catches a glimpse of the “Gone Forever” announcement on the menu above the cashier’s head, he goes through the seven stages of grief, throwing his body on the counter, shaking his head, and generally acting like that homeless guy who gets a free cup of coffee at McDonald’s so he’ll go away and stop making the other customers uncomfortable.

Whataburger wants to make sure that you do not end up becoming that homeless man due to going mentally insane from grief and despair, so they’ve set up a website where you can “let the healing begin”. You can view other people’s fond memories of the burger, support a friend, find some coping tips, or sign a virtual card bidding farewell to what is apparently supposed to be a close friend of yours. A hamburger. Listen, I’m not here to judge, if your best friend is a hamburger from a fast food joint, then that’s your business. Whatever floats your boat. Some of my best friends are hamburgers. I’m just saying.

Whataburger Thick & Hearty Whole

To be honest with you, I am sad to see it go. It is a pretty darn delicious burger. There’s two generously sized beef patties, not suffering from the anemia of other fast food burger patties; when you bit into it, you feel like you’re getting a real, juicy, meaty burger, instead of that familiar feeling of “I’m not exactly sure if this is made out of beef, but I guess I’ll eat it anyways.” The bun is a little flatter and denser than most other burgers, but it tastes fine (I mean really, how much can you say about a damn bun), and the denseness makes you feel like you’re holding a substantial sandwich. The cheese is strategically placed between the patties, so it oozes out as you take a bite. However, the real stars of the show, what sets it apart from a regular burger, are on top.

Whataburger Thick & Hearty Side

A.1. Thick & Hearty Steak Sauce is slathered on the top bun. It differs from the original A.1. Steak sauce in that it is both thicker and heartier, a shocking discovery, given the name of the product. It’s also a little sweeter and smokier than the original, more in the vein of barbecue sauce than steak sauce, with less of a vinegar taste. The bacon is a bit limp, an epidemic trait amongst fast food bacon, but it’s still a little crisper and more flavorful than you’d find on other fast food burgers that employ bacon.

While the A.1. sauce is obviously supposed to be the star of the show, what I was really surprised by was how much the onions turn this burger up a notch.

Whataburger Thick & Hearty Open

Seemingly innocuous in their bath of sauce, you would expect these little chopped onions to be spongy and flavorless. Instead, they add a welcomed bright note to the burger, giving it a great crunch and mild but definitely present onion flavor that ties together the meatiness of the beef and the smokiness of the sauce.

While not the greatest burger of all time, the Whataburger A.1. Thick & Hearty Burger is a step above your ordinary bacon cheeseburger, and if you’re lucky enough to live in one of the ten states that have a Whataburger, I’d recommend that you get out there and try one before they disappear forever on December 21st. Sure, you could make a close facsimile at home with ease, but if you’re on the road and looking for a shitty burger to satisfy your protein cravings, the Thick & Hearty burger is a tasty and unique option that will leave your belly and your taste buds satisfied.

  • Score: 4 out of 5 overly dramatic send-offs
  • Price: $5.09
  • Size: 1 1/2 lb. hamburger
  • Purchased at: Whataburger #421
  • Nutritional Quirks: Contains 120% of your daily recommended saturated fat intake; also contains “bun oil”.
Fast Food

Junk Food Foibles: McDonald’s Spicy McDouble

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Recently, I was driving past a local McDonald’s and I spotted this sign:

Spicy McDouble
Me, on a busy street corner at 7am, trying to look inconspicuous

Bob and I buzzed with speculation all the way home.  What would be on this new Spicy McDouble?  Pepper jack cheese seemed an obvious choice.  Jalapeños, maybe?  Perhaps a special mayo-based sauce with some zing?  Nah, that’s probably too much effort for a $1 value menu burger.

I got home and slid onto the Internet, eager to see what it had to say about this new offering.  I’ve been burned by fast food’s so-called “spicy” offerings (such as Burger King’s Angry Whopper), but there are some guys out there capable of delivering some heat (such as Carl’s Jr.’s Jalapeño Burger).  I’m always willing to give it a shot.

…Unfortunately, my search was fruitless.  There was absolutely no buzz about the Spicy McDouble on the Interwaves.  What gives?  I was starting to get suspicious.  I decided to write McDonald’s an email, but in the middle of writing it, I found the phone number of the location in question.  Great, I could go right to the source.

I was expecting much confusion when I called the restaurant.  A bored-sounding girl answered the phone, and I explained what I had seen on the sign and inquired as to what this new menu item entailed.  She told me to hold on, and I assumed she had no idea what I was talking about and was going to pass me off to someone else.  Instead, she was taking an order.  When she got back, she said, “Actually, it’s because they look close together but it’s actually the Hot ‘n Spicy chicken and the McDouble.”

Aha!  While that sentence doesn’t make a whole lot of sense, it’s what my growing suspicion had been all along.  The Hot ‘n Spicy chicken sandwich and the McDouble are both on McDonald’s Dollar Menu.  Or are they?  I can find no mention of the Hot ‘n Spicy on the McDonald’s official website, but if you search for it on Google, you’ll find plenty of other websites that mention it by name and even offer detailed nutritional information.  Again I ask, what gives, McDonald’s?  Why are you trying so hard to hide the Hot ‘n Spicy?  And who in their right mind would just put “$1 spicy” on a sign?  That doesn’t even mean anything!  Spicy what, for heaven’s sakes?!

One solved mystery and one new mystery later, I have my answer.  I have to say, I’m a little disappointed.  I was looking forward to trying the Spicy McDouble.  My only consolation is the idea that, every day, dozens of people flood into that McDonald’s, angrily demanding the Spicy McDouble that was advertised on the sign.  Their hunger and their need for spice fills them with rage, until they are a single entity, a raving mob of lunatics shouting profanities and threatening to sue for false advertising.  Flustered employees back away and mutter impotently, unable to logically explain the separation of spicy and McDouble to the masses.  Chaos reigns throughout.