Tag Archives: 3 burgers

Fast Food

Arby’s Angus Three Cheese & Bacon

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It’s easy to poke fun at Arby’s. It’s the red-headed stepchild of the fast food world. It’s so easy, in fact, that when I told a friend I was going to Arby’s, he pulled out a quote from The Simpsons.  The episode it was from is basically a parody of Lord of the Flies. If you don’t immediately understand the context because you never read Lord of the Flies, you should probably stop reading this review and go back to high school.

It’s night time and the kids sit around the fireplace.

TERRI
I’m so hungry I could eat at Arby’s!

LISA
Oh my gosh!

NELSON
That IS hungry.

LISA
REALLY hungry…

So The Simpsons stole my joke. In 1998. That’s harsh.

But wait! This is 2011, 13 years later, and Arby’s has a new sandwich that could change everything. The Angus bandwagon is getting pretty crowded these days, and Arby’s decided to jump on. It’s the Angus Three Cheese & Bacon, and according to Arby’s, it’s “Angus beef the way it should be -Premium, lean, freshly sliced and piled high to perfection with 3 cheeses on an authentic Italian roll.”

Well, that sounds okay. But it looks like there’s a lot more going on in the promo picture on their website. The Atlanta Journal Constitution, an organization that I know nothing about, seems to have more details: “The black Angus, top round beef is thinly sliced and topped with Swiss and Cheddar cheeses, a Parmesan peppercorn ranch sauce and pepper bacon.”

Arby’s should have that as the description on their website, because that is way more enticing than their official breakdown of the sandwich. Arby’s actually has me intrigued now, and that’s saying something.

Let’s get to the important part first: I have to say, the meat on the Angus Three Cheese & Bacon is a step (or three) above Arbys’ normal “shaved”…roast beef, if you could call it that. Is it Angus quality? Weeell, I don’t know if I would go that far, but I’d put it on par in quality, texture and taste to the meat in a french dip at a chain diner. Unfortunately, there was no jus to hide the fact that the meat was a little on the dry side.

Before we move on, I have to mention a caveat: my sandwich had a case of Jekyll and Hyde like I’d never experienced before. It came pre-cut in half, and one side was well-constructed, while the other was disheveled. It’s like they came from two different sandwiches. I’ll give a quick rundown of Mr. Angus Hyde, since I feel it’s more fair to judge the sandwich based on Dr. Angus Jekyll. The Hydewich’s meat was more dry and it was lacking in bacon, cheese and sauce. So it was basically some meat in between two pieces of bread.

Fortunately, I also got the Jekyll side, for which I have no sandwich-related nickname. This side was more moist because it had more sauce and cheese, but you could still tell the meat was a bit dry. This side had a good amount of bacon, and the bacon was surprisingly crunchy and flavorful. It was thickly cut, and you could taste that it was peppered. I would have never guessed that Arby’s, of all fast food joints, would avoid Limp Fast Food Bacon Syndrome, but they did! I could have taken the bacon straight off the sandwich, eaten it, and been satisfied with the quality.

The cheese was creamy and added an extra textural dimension to the sandwich, but I really couldn’t identify the three separate cheeses. I appreciated their presence, but they didn’t really pop. Likewise, the sauce added welcome creaminess, but I couldn’t have guessed that it was a Parmesan peppercorn ranch sauce. In fact, even when sampled separately, it didn’t have much flavor at all; the best I could say for it is that it had a mild ranch taste. For a sauce with such a descriptive (and tasty-sounding) moniker, it really failed to deliver.

I’ve had a fair amount of Arby’s sandwiches over the years. Too many, you might say. Compared to their regular shaved roast beef sandwiches, the Angus Three Cheese & Bacon is a step above the rest. That doesn’t mean it’s a fantastic sandwich, however. I wouldn’t call the meat Angus quality, and it was a little dry, but it was okay for fast food roast beef. The bacon was obviously the star; peppered, thick and crunchy, it was some of the best fast food bacon I’ve had in a long time. The cheese was creamy, as was the sauce, but both disappointed in the flavor department, particularly the sauce.

What can I say? It’s pretty solid for a fast food sandwich, but it’s not something for which you should run out of the house with no shoes on. But hey, if you find yourself trapped inside an Arby’s, which has happened to me at least a half dozen times (why do all the doors look just like the windows? Help meeeeee), give it a shot.

  • Score: 3 out of 5 Jekyll & Hydewiches
  • Price: $4.99
  • Size: 1 sandwich
  • Purchased at: Arby’s #7117
  • Nutritional Quirks: Parmesan Peppercorn Ranch Sauce appears to contain all the ingredients for Parmesan peppercorn ranch sauce, yet this is not reflected in the flavor. Also, no LFFBS!
Junk Food

Limited Edition Cheetos Mighty Zingers CRAZY Cheddar and WICKED Picante Flavored Snacks

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I’m stupid.

Okay, maybe I’m not completely stupid. But I am overzealous. When I read this in Frito-Lay’s Snack Chat blog, I got to “a limited-time snack with a special Halloween twist” and my brain went YAY! So much yay, in fact, that I didn’t put it together that CRAZY cheddar and WICKED picante actually meant sharp cheddar and salsa picante, a flavor of Mighty Zingers that I already reviewed here. It even explicitly states this in the next sentence, but I paid no attention. You put the words “limited edition” and “Halloween” together, and I lose all sense of control or logic.

So I picked these up at the store and soon realized my folly. You’d think I would have just given up there, but NO! This is Halloween, dammit, and if Frito-Lay is going to repackage an already-existing flavor for the holiday and trick me into buying it, then I’m going to review it, even if it means I have to photograph yet another incredibly shiny foil bag that turns every shot into an all-out glare-fest. Seriously, Cheetos, stop it. I only know how to do three things in GIMP, and removing glare is not one of them.

There are three things of note about this product, however. First of all, I bought a “Hungry Grab”, which is a bag size I’ve never seen before. It’s about the same width as a “Big Grab” bag that you usually find in a convenience store, but longer. I believe you would have to be rather hungry to finish off one of these bags in one sitting. It contains quite a few grabs.

Second, while re-purposing a flavor for Halloween is kind of weak, at least they tried to give a little backstory on the back of the bag: “Chester’s lab experiment went haywire causing Cheetos Mighty Zingers snacks to make a transformation”. I’ve seen Chester’s lab, and the idea of one of his experiments going haywire is very plausible. This brings me to my third point:

GREEN CHIPS! Or “snacks”, to be more precise. This is not the first time Cheetos has gone green. It may not even be the second or third, I gave up looking after a two-second Google search. Doesn’t matter. Green Cheetos are awesome.

If you want to know more about the actual flavor of these Cheetos, I refuse to repeat myself, so go read the article linked above. I will say, however, that it’s delightfully disconcerting to eat Flamin’ Hot Cheetos leftover bits that are green instead of fire-truck red. One might even call it…MADNESS! MUAHAHAHAHA!

On a final note, I now demand Christmas Flamin’ Hot Cheetos with red and green in the same bag. I will throw a candy cane-induced temper tantrum if this does not happen.

  • Score: 3 out of 5 hungry grabs
  • Price: $1.29
  • Size: 3 1/4 oz. bag
  • Purchased at: Fry’s Foods
  • Nutritional Quirks: Green Cheetos.  ‘Nuff said.
Junk Food

Pop-Tarts Limited Edition Frosted Pumpkin Pie Toaster Pastries

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Pop-Tarts Toaster Pastries come in 32 different iterations. You’d think that would be enough, but now there’s Pop-Tarts Limited Edition Frosted Pumpkin Pie Toaster Pastries. Seems like a stretch at first, but hey, stuff some canned pumpkin pie filling into the already existing pastry crust, throw some frosting on top to represent whipped cream, and blammo, you’ve got yourself an autumn gimmick product!

The front of the box has a pretty generic fall landscape, but the real fun is on the back of the box.

Fall Fun! To be more specific. I’d attempt making Pumpkin Pie Pop-Tarts a la mode, which involves mashing up the pastries, lumping them on top of a scoop of reduced-fat frozen vanilla yogurt, and topping that with fat-free caramel ice cream topping, but I only have two Pop-Tarts and I only eat extra-fat vanilla ice cream. I love how Pop-Tarts tries to act like they’re soooo good for your kids. One of these Pop-Tarts has 200 calories, so if you finish off a pack of two you’ve just consumed more calories than are in a Whopper Jr.  Not to shatter any illusions or anything.

A more interesting suggestion for Fall Fun, however, is making your own Pumpkin People!

The instructions are pretty easy: grab some little pumpkins or gourds, collect a bunch of nature bullshit like pinecones, leaves and pine needles, and glue that shit together. Unfortunately, I live in the southwest, so I guess if I made Pumpkin People they’d be covered in cactus needles and rocks. That’s depressing.

Pop-Tarts describes this process as “making your new friends”, but these Pumpkin People look like the natives are getting restless. I know the cold seasons can be trying on children who live in colder climates, but surely you could make some more friendly friends to hang out with when it’s snowing. Make your own Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man, perhaps? Of course, if you’re going to consider Pumpkin Pie Pop-Tarts a Halloween item, you should make your Pumpkin People as scary as possible. Maybe using cactus needles isn’t such a sad idea after all. Pumpkin Person Pinhead, here I come!

After a brief stint in the toaster oven, I took my Pumpkin Pie Pop-Tart out and cut it in half, and was instantly hit with the familiar smell of…well shucks, it smells like pumpkin pie! And it tastes like it, too! Okay, well not exactly. I am eating a Pop-Tart and not a slice of pie, after all. But the pumpkin pie taste comes through quite strongly, evoking memories of Thanksgiving and all the dishes I had to wash afterwards.

The pastry that holds the filling is largely tasteless, but the frosting adds a nice sweetness to the pumpkin flavor and does its best to make you forget that Pop-Tart crust sucks. It’s no whipped cream, but it’ll suffice in a pinch. I would have preferred my fall-inspired sprinkles to be a little less neon, and last time I checked, purple and hot pink were not fall colors. In fact, let me amend my previous statement: I would have preferred my fall-inspired sprinkles to be a little less not having anything to do with fall.

Honestly, I was impressed at the actual pumpkin pie-ness of these Pop-Tarts, until I realized that, seriously, all they had to do was take canned pumpkin pie filling and shove it into their already existing product. However, Pop-Tarts gets props for at least trying, which is more than I can say for 90% of the other products lining store shelves this month. Seriously, Ritz, where’s my bat-flavored cracker? You suck.

Thanks to the dedicated reader who graciously donated these Pop-Tarts to make this review happen!

The Impulsive Buy and Rodzilla Reviews also reviewed these.

  • Score: 3 out of 5 angry Pumpkin People
  • Price: Free (thanks again!)
  • Size: 21.1 oz. box (12 toaster pastries)
  • Purchased at: Target
  • Nutritional Quirks: Two Pumpkin Pie Pop-Tarts have almost as much sugar as a can of Coke. Good luck getting your kids to focus on making those Pumpkin People! Now that’s true horror.
Junk Food

Doritos Stadium Nacho and Tailgater BBQ Inspired by EA Sports Madden NFL 11 Tortilla Chips

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Doritos has decided to team up with Electronic Arts and their colossus series of Madden NFL video games to produce two new “Madden NFL-inspired” flavors: Stadium Nacho and Tailgate BBQ. I’m finding the whole collaboration surprisingly difficult to describe. On the official website, they’re calling it “Change the Game”. I’m not sure what game I’m supposed to be changing. Football? Madden NFL 11, which is the newest game in the series and which seems to be the focus of the whole promotion? Hold on, let me just quote part of the website:

“…for a limited time, redeem exclusive on-bag codes for Madden Ultimate Team rewards from Madden NFL 11.”

Okay, so what the fuck is Madden Ultimate Team? Here’s the website again to help me understand:

“Madden Ultimate Team combines the best aspects of Madden NFL 11 gameplay, card collecting and fantasy football.

Earn, purchase and participate in user auctions to collect player cards, manage your fantasy roster and compete in online matches with your friends.”

I am now more confused than ever. Is it because I’ve never played a Madden game? There’s a card game? You can auction your cards? There’s a Madden-exclusive fantasy football league, or do they just mean fantasy football in general? By online matches do they mean the video game, which I would assume would have online competition functionality to begin with, or do they mean online matches with your cards? Are the cards vital to the fantasy football league? Do you have to collect enough cards, which I’m now assuming have football players on them, to have a full roster before you can engage in any card-playing at all? Is buying Doritos to get the special codes the only way you can get these cards?

To further complicate things, their website takes an intolerable amount of time to load, has an animated intro that tells you nothing, and either has very little information beyond the quotations above or makes it impossible to find any more information.

You know what? Fuck that website, and fuck me for not just reading the back of the fucking bag first.

There. Fine. Enter code. Get cards. But wait, there’s some fine print at the bottom of the bag…

“Collect all 3 ‘Ultimate Team Cards’ for use with EA Sports Madden NFL 11 Video Game with your packaging code…Limit 1 ‘Ultimate Team Card’ per packaging code. Limit 3 (1 of each exclusive ‘Ultimate Team Card’) per email address.”

So there’s only three cards available and you have to buy (or just write down from the bag in the middle of the store) three bags of Doritos to get all three cards but you can only have three per email address. And they have something to do with the video game.

You know what, Doritos? You win. I’ve been able to decipher your opium haze-induced marketing schemes for years now, but you’ve totally lost me with this one. Congratulations, your gimmicks have gotten so fucking complicated, obtuse and downright insane that I am ragequitting trying to figure this one out. I just spent 523 words trying to describe it, and I want to erase them all out of anger and just start the review with this next paragraph.

Doritos has some new fucking chips. The fucking flavors are Stadium Nacho and Tailgater BBQ. They are doing a fucking promotional tie-in with Madden NFL 11. Here is what the fucking chips taste like.

Doritos Stadium Nacho Inspired by EA Sports Madden NFL 11 Tortilla Chips

If you’ve never had literal stadium nachos, because you are a nerd or have common sense or whatever, they’re basically how you would imagine them: generic round tortilla chips with globs of processed cheese sauce. You have to close your eyes and use your imagination to believe there’s any real cheese involved. After laying out your $8 for soggy chips and tasteless chemical goo, you can fight your way through the milling masses of painted faces and foam fingers to the condiment bar, where you can ladle on enough spoonfuls of pickled jalapeño slices to fool yourself into thinking you’ve invested in something with flavor. Of course, by this time, you’re probably on your fourth plastic cup of beer and don’t really give a shit what you’re shoveling into your mouth anyway.

From this perspective, Doritos Madden Stadium Nacho succeeds greatly. I hesitate to say they taste remarkably similar to the classic Nacho Cheese Doritos, since I haven’t actually had a “normal” flavored Dorito in about 15 years, but they do seem to have that flavor, except a little toned down, which is reflected in the toned-down flavor powder colors. There appears to be flecks that would indicate some sort of pepper flavor, but I couldn’t discern anything spicy in the chip, thus ruining my opportunity to rant about Doritos repackaging their cheese/jalapeño flavor over and over again.

So, much like real stadium nachos, Doritos Madden Stadium Nachos are similar to real nacho cheese, but with less nacho cheese flavor. I’m a little conflicted – I mean, they aren’t gross, or bad, they’re just mediocre. If you’re sitting on your couch playing Madden NFL 11 and want to get that real stadium nacho feeling, these would be perfect for you. Like the guy who’s already half-sloshed on overpriced beer, you’re not really paying attention to the taste, anyway. As long as they’re a mild facsimile of the real thing, you’re satisfied.

Doritos Tailgater BBQ Inspired by EA Sports Madden NFL 11 Tortilla Chips

I went into Tailgater BBQ with low expectations. I’ve had bbq chips before. Who hasn’t? I consider Lay’s Barbecue chips to be as iconic as regular Cheetos, or, to tie this review together a little, Doritos Nacho Cheese. I see the appeal – they really do taste a lot like barbecue sauce – but I’m just not into it. Maybe I’ve grown bored of the flavor. Maybe I’m just not into that hint of sweetness. Either way, barbeque is barbeqboring. Wow that was horrible.

I figured I’d just be a little disappointed and also mention that bbq flavoring doesn’t belong on tortilla chips, but this was not the case. Tailgater BBQ goes further than just BBQ, and this is something I have said before, and will continue to say:

DORITOS: STOP MAKING MEAT-FLAVORED CHIPS. PLEASE. I BEG OF YOU.

This should be a large lesson for me as a reviewer in not going into foods with expectations. I’ve been around the Doritos block so many times now that I feel like I could write any review about their chips without opening the bag. Stadium Nacho taught me I was wrong with their lack of jalapeño flavor, and I should have taken that as a warning. Tailgater BBQ really brought the message home. Oh yes, there’s a definite barbeque flavor, although a little more subtle than a chip like Lay’s Barbecue, but there’s also a distinct meat flavor. Particularly, pork. Doritos Madden NFL 11 Tailgater BBQ tastes like barbeque ribs.

I have to say, kudos to Doritos for teaching me a lesson on expectations and also managing to create a tortilla chip that tastes like bbq pork ribs. I have no idea how much effort goes into achieving such a feat, but in my mind it seems like it would take a lot. Hundreds of hours in the flavor lab, trying to nail that balance between barbecue and meat. Not just any meat – distinctly pork. Kind of amazing, really.

After having a few more chips and thinking this over, I feel kind of bad for yelling at Doritos. I got blasted in the comments for giving Doritos Late Night All-Nighter Cheeseburger such a poor rating, and I’ve thought about it occasionally, because these are the things I think about. And I think they’re right. Doritos nailed the cheeseburger taste, and they shouldn’t be penalized for the fact that I think meat-flavored chips are disturbing. In fact, I think I may be coming around a little to the idea of eating meat chips. It challenges the palate in a way that I should embrace.

Okay, Doritos. You know what? You’ve won me over. I still hate your convoluted Madden NFL 11 promotional game with an inappropriate amount of passion, but your barbecue pork rib chips are a-okay in my book. I may not finish the bag or even eat another chip out of it, but you’ve done an impressive job on flavoring and I can’t deny that any longer.

However, I do have one more thing to yell about, now that I’ve changed my mind:

DORITOS: WHERE THE FUCK ARE MY BACON-FLAVORED CHIPS?!

Doritos Stadium Nacho Inspired by EA Sports Madden NFL 11 Tortilla Chips

  • Score: 3 out of 5 plastic cups filled with overpriced beer
  • Price: $3.99
  • Size: 11 1/2 oz. bag
  • Purchased at: Safeway #1717
  • Nutritional Quirks: Not much quirky going on here.  They’s just cheese chips, yo.

Doritos Tailgater BBQ Inspired by EA Sports Madden NFL 11 Tortilla Chips

  • Score: 4 out of 5 spiritual revelations about meat chips
  • Price: Free (Buy one get one free sale with Stadium Nacho)
  • Size: 11 1/2 oz. bag
  • Purchased at: Safeway #1717
  • Nutritional Quirks: Contains no actual pork.  You clever Doritos flavor lab bastards.  Not sure if this is a relief or not.

Note: The Impulsive Buy has also reviewed Doritos Stadium Nacho and Tailgater BBQ Inspired by EA Sports Madden NFL 11 Tortilla Chips, with a much shorter review title.  So has Food Junk, and he found the spice mine seem to lack.

Junk Food

Stride Mega Mystery Gum

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Stride Mega Mystery GumWell now, it’s been a while, hasn’t it? I apologize for that. But we’re back! And with a review of a junk food genre I haven’t written about thus far!

“Mystery flavor” food items are always a fun gimmick. Off the top of my head, the only mystery flavor junk foods that have come out are the Airheads “White Mystery”, which, if I recall correctly, came out sometime in the early 90s, and, of course, Doritos’ Quest and X-13D, which were Mountain Dew and hamburger flavored, respectively. However, Google’s delightful autofill dropdown feature also reminds me that there’s another other mystery flavored junk food: Dum Dums, which have a mystery flavor for an interesting and utilitarian reason. Writing this website has given me access to countless pieces of information that I will never actually need to know, until I watch an episode of Jeopardy that contains a junk food category. I will kick ass when that happens.

The newest mystery flavor on the block is Stride’s Mega Mystery Gum. Stride is one of the newer kids on the block when it comes to chewing gum; the brand launched in 2006, going up against heavy-hitters like Trident, Extra and Juicy Fruit, which have been well-known for decades. Stride’s marketing slogan, “The Ridiculously Long-Lasting Gum”, seems to have met with success, as the brand has done quite well since it was launched. I’m sure you’re all familiar with their commercials, wherein Stride executives beg you to spit out your damn gum and chew another piece already, or where people chewing the gum are tackled violently in order to get them to expel the gum. It’s a clever marketing campaign, I have to admit, and their commercial for Mega Mystery follows in the same vein. Some guy is webcamming, or vlogging, or whatever the fuck, that he knows what the mystery flavor of Mega Mystery is. Suddenly, three men wearing suits and helmets, riding ostriches, burst through the walls, ransacking the guy’s room. An ostrich pecks the terrified nerd in the chest on command, and its rider hisses at him to “zip it”. You can view the commercial on Stride’s website.

I have absolutely no idea when they are actually going to reveal what the mystery flavor is, but I’ll be sure to let you know when they finally announce it. I asked Google, but I didn’t find anything, and all the links were too spoiler-y on how the gum tastes. I need a clean palate for this. No outside influences.

Stride Mega Mystery Gum Open

I’ve never bought Stride gum before, but the package design is ingenious. Of course, all gum brands with this kind of packaging could have been doing this for forever. I haven’t bought or chewed gum in like, a decade. Anyway, the idea is, once you finish the lower section of the pack, the perforation on the seam allows you to tear that part away, and a little slit on the lower part of the top pack let’s you still close it, making for a smaller, more pocket-friendly pack. Ingenious!  Those pieces are really stuck in there, too. No chance of them falling out. You can’t tell in the picture, but I actually had to rip the wrapper to get a piece out. Speaking of the wrapper, how cute is that? I feel like I own a piece of The Riddler. Or, better yet, Matthew Lesko.

Stride Mega Mystery Gum Piece

The gum itself is white, which is standard issue for any mystery food. Wouldn’t want to give it away by coloring it pink or anything, like…hundreds of other gums of wildly varying flavors.

So, what is the goddamn mystery flavor already, you ask? I hesitate to answer. I’m not afraid of being wrong, but getting the flavor totally and completely wrong would be pretty embarrassing. Since this website is all about reviewing food and analyzing flavors and all that.  It’s obviously fruity, you can tell that just by smelling the box. I think I can detect some watermelon. It’s gotta be a combination of fruits, but it’s not as easy as you’d think, trying to tell one artificial fruit flavor from another, when you’ve got absolutely no frame of reference. Taking a wild stab, I’d guess strawberry-watermelon, but that’s not exactly the most exciting flavor combination for a mystery flavor. I feel like a mystery flavor should be something totally unexpected. Mystery flavors should BLOW MY MIND. Does Stride feel that way, though? I’m getting paranoid over gum. This is my life.

I guess I’ll stick with my strawberry-watermelon conclusion. Or maybe just strawberry-melon. Berry-melon? I’m trying to be as broad as possible to save face, in case you haven’t noticed. Regardless, we’ll find out whenever Stride reveals the flavor, sometime in the nebulous future. No matter what it is, mystery aside, it’s a pretty sold flavor for a chewing gum. Like I said, I haven’t chewed gum for years, but I’m pretty sure “generically fruity” is hard to screw up. And I got to blow bubbles, so how bad can it be? Oh, and it is sugarless, for those of you concerned about your teeth rotting out of your head. Suck down a Diet Coke, chew some Mega Mystery gum, and enjoy the aspartame!

  • Score: 3 out of 5 guys in suits riding ostriches
  • Price: $1.39
  • Size: 1 pack of 14 sticks of gum
  • Purchased at: Circle K #2821
  • Nutritional Quirks: The back of the pack says “Calorie content of this size piece has been reduced from 5 to 3 1/2 calories.  In the nutrition facts area, the calories are listed as <5.  That’s…odd.
Junk Food

Tostitos Prepáralos a Tu Gusto Salsa Verde (Tostilocos)

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If you don’t live in the southwestern region of the United States, you may have never heard of the Sabritas line of potato chips. Originally its own brand, it is now a subsidiary of Frito-Lay, and controls a large share of Mexico’s snack market. In Arizona, Mexican snacks are widely available in national chain stores, and one of my local convenience stores has a whole section of Sabritas chips.

Tostitos Preparalos a Tu Gusto Front

I have to admit, I didn’t really do my in-store research when I bought these chips. When I saw the festive and very Mexican front of the bag, and saw that I could create my own combination, I thought things might get interesting. For you gringos, “prepáralos a tu gusto” doesn’t really translate into “create your own combination”, but instead roughly translates into “prepare to your liking (or loving, literally)”. Those two years of Spanish in high school are really serving me well. They get even more lax down in the bottom left corner, where “totopos de maíz con chile”(Corn tortilla chips with chile) becomes “flavored tortilla chips”. Us gringos can’t handle anything more descriptive than “flavored”.

I thought that maybe there would be some flavor packets inside, a la Doritos Flavor Shots, which would be fun to mix and match, adding to the already salsa verde-flavored chips. However, I was in for a surprise when I got home:

Tostitos Preparalos a Tu Gusto Back

What the fuck, Tostitos? Instead of including everything I’d need to create my own combination, they are expecting me to take these home and turn them into nachos? What’s the point of that? Furthermore, who would even do that? You buy a bag of chips at the convenience store, you’re probably stuffing your face as you drive to work, not going home to make some sad nachos in a bag. No, seriously, who would do that?

The answer: Mexicans. I saw the phrase “tostilocos” on the back of the bag and thought that Tostitos was trying to make their own catch phrase, like Combos’ ludicrous “combivore” campaign. I got excited, thinking I could salvage this review with some screenshots from a ridiculously themed Tostitos website. I was in for a big surprise when I consulted my friendly neighborhood search engine.

Tostilocos are a very real, very Mexican thing. According to my extensive Internet research, in Tijuana (and possibly other parts of Mexico, I’m not sure), there are street carts set up all around the city, selling these tostilocos. They do basically what the back of the bag says: they take a bag of tortilla chips, slit it open along the side, and fill it with whatever you want. From what I’ve read, some of the most traditional ingredients include peanuts, jicama, cucumber, tamarind or tamarind candy, a liberal lime juice, and even pork rinds, as I read in this blog. I don’t want to use anyone’s pictures without permission, so here are some links to tostilocos-related items.

The back of the bag has some very different suggestions for additions to your tostilocos: salsa, sour cream, cheese and jalapeños. After my learning experience, I’d love to try some traditional tostilocos, but coincidentally, I have zero of the ingredients for that and all of the ingredients listed on the back of the bag, so I guess I’ll go with that.

Tostitos Salsa Verde

Cutting open the bag was easy, and I was happy to see that it stood up on its own. I decided to try the chips by themselves, before I went tostiloco and added all the ingredients. The chips themselves are actually pretty good; they come in the traditional Tostitos round shape and have a pleasant cheesy/spicy flavor with a bit of peppery bite on the back end. I wouldn’t say it tastes exactly like dipping a tortilla chip into a bowl of fresh salsa verde, but the chile flavor is there. I would feel just fine buying a bag of these to tear open in the more conventional manner to shovel into my face during a road trip, or just sitting my lazy ass down in front of the tv. But the real point of these, chips, apparently, is to go tostiloco, and who am I to disobey the back of a bag of chips.

Tostitos Tostilocos

After I added all the ingredients, the weight of the bag of chips increased about threefold. I felt like I was hefting a real meal, not just an absent-minded snack. The bag held together wonderfully, still standing up like a trooper after I added all the ingredients. For the sake of open journalism, I’ll list all of the specific ingredients I added: Table Top medium salsa, Daisy sour cream, Sargento Artisan Blends Authentic Mexican (Queso Quesadilla, Asadero, Queso Gallego, Manchego and Anejo Enchilado), and Embasa Nacho Sliced Jalepeños.

It’s a little unwieldy to eat. I have tiny, delicate, feminine hands, and even so, I found it difficult to really dig into the bag without getting my knuckles and fingers covered in salsa juice and sour cream. As I move the bag around, my carefully constructed toppings begin to redistribute themselves, covering all the chips and ensuring that my hands will never be clean again. I hope they give out napkins at the tostiloco carts in Mexico, because otherwise there’s a lot of people walking around with sour cream and salsa hands, terrorizing the local children who are just trying to sell you chicle.

Tostiloco Close-Up

At the end of the day, my tostilocos are nothing more than half-ass nachos made in a bag of Tostitos. There’s nothing not to enjoy about the combination of tortilla chips, salsa, sour cream, cheese, and jalapeños, but it’s really nothing to write home about. My chips got a little soggy after a while, but that’s okay, since my hand was coated with all the toppings by then anyway, so I didn’t mind just mushing the chip and putting it in my mouth, as I have no dignity. Soggy tortilla chips are not that great, but they were a little more acceptable with all the toppings on them. As I write this review and continue to shovel tostilocos into my mouth, I notice that I’m getting a little full. I looked on the back of the bag, and it says that there are six servings of chips in this bag. How are you supposed to do that, exactly? Chuck your sad, slit-open bag of Tostitos into the fridge to eat soggy mush with a spoon later? I guess I should have invited over five friends so we could have a tostilocos party. Nothing says wild and crazy times like a small bag of chips I bought at a gas station and some shit I found in the back of my fridge.

The salsa verde flavor of the chips adds a nice compliment to the toppings, but you could substitute just about any spicy-flavored tortilla chip to get the same effect. I’m willing to bet that the tostilocos that they make in Mexico have a much more interesting and varied flavor than the ones recommended on the back of the bag. As it stands, with just a little more effort, you could make some real nachos at your house, on a real plate, without having to become the dreaded sour cream hand monster with a bag full of mess.

Tostilocos Mess

  • Score: 3 out of 5 niños selling chicle for the chips alone; 2 out of 5 napkins for the tostilocos
  • Price: $1.99, not including toppings
  • Size: 5 1/2 oz. bag
  • Purchased at: Circle K
  • Nutritional Quirks: There may be six servings in a bag, but if you make tostilocos, whatever you don’t eat then is lost forever.
Junk Food

Doritos Collisions Cheesy Enchilada/Sour Cream

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Doritos Collisions Cheesy Enchilada Sour Cream FrontSay what you will about Doritos’ crazy flavor ideas, and I do, frequently, but at least they aren’t content to rest on their laurels. For better or worse, Frito-Lay releases a new Doritos flavor every three days, which makes it difficult to keep up. That’s why, when I saw these Doritos Collisions Cheesy Enchilada/Sour Cream tortilla chips, I wasn’t sure if I’d missed the boat or found a new Collisions flavor. The Hot Wings/Blue Cheese and Zesty Taco/Chipotle Ranch versions of Collisions had been a staple in my local grocer’s snack food aisle for years now, and I thought that was the end of the story, but the Doritos team wasn’t done colliding deliciously compatible flavor powders yet! According to Wikipedia, there’s also Pizza Cravers/Ranch, which I vaguely recall seeing somewhere, and Habanero/Guacamole, which I have never seen but hope to, since it sounds wonderful, and, of course, Cheesy Enchilada/Sour Cream, which I hold in my hands today. Oddly, the official Doritos website doesn’t seem to recognize Pizza Cravers/Ranch or Habanero/Guacamole Collisions, which makes me wonder if both Wikipedia and my dubious memory are lying to me.

Snack Strong Productions does recognize Cheesy Enchilada/Sour Cream Collisions, however, and according to them, this flavor combo was launched in 2009, which means that I haven’t missed the boat and that the Collisions series is an ongoing Doritos project. As you can see, the front of the bag says “2 flavors – 1 bag”, which, if you’re anything like me, immediately brings up disturbing thoughts about girls and cups.

Let’s just leave that one alone and move on. As you can deduce from the front of the bag, the two powdered flavors are not combined, but are dusted separately on individual chips and then thrown into one bag together. Of course, as they rub up against each other, the powders will mix. I’m not sure if this is actually the point of Collisions or not. If it is, why bother dusting the individual chips separately? If not, then are you supposed to eat one chip at a time and enjoy the progression of flavors, or pick out one chip of each flavor and cram them both into your mouth at once, like some sort of bleary-eyed stoner sitting on his couch at 2am watching the Magic Bullet infomercial and stuffing everything within arm’s reach into his maw?

Doritos Collisions Cheesy Enchilada Sour Cream Back

The back of the bag declares that I control the ultimate Doritos (DORITOS) flavor combination. It’s comforting to know that I’m in control of my junk food experience. I hate it when Big Chip tells me how to snack. At the bottom, the Doritos team  begs me to tell them what Collisions (COLLISIONS) combo I will unleash. Exactly what kind of options do you think I have here, Doritos? I have purchased your bag of Collisions Cheesy Enchilada/Sour Cream Doritos. My options are pretty limited, here. Are you expecting me to buy all of your Collisions flavors and get freaky? Maybe a little Pizza Cravers/Zesty Taco action? How about some Blue Cheese/Guacamole?

Perhaps giving me so much control wasn’t such a good idea after all.

The bag shows the chips as having distinctive physical characteristics, namely that Cheesy Enchilada is violently orange and Sour Cream looks exactly like Cool Ranch. If my “getting intimate in the bag together” theory is correct, I won’t actually be able to tell them apart. Let’s find out.

Doritos Collisions Cheesy Enchilada/Sour Cream Chips

Well what do you know, there really is a difference between the appearance of the two flavors. Cheesy Enchilada is an unnaturally bright orange with a heavy coating of flavor powder, while Sour Cream is more subtle, letting its tortilla nature shine through a milder coating of white powder dotted with little green speckles. I’ve never had sour cream with green speckles in it before, but, depending on the expiration date on the container, I might not be adverse to it.

The smell coming off the chips is nearly identical to the smell of Nacho Cheese Doritos, which doesn’t bode well for Cheesy’s success in capturing all the different flavors of an enchilada. I decided to try them separately at first, and then employ the stoner method. I tackled Sour Cream first, since its appearance and assumed lack of contribution to the aroma told me it would probably be more muted.

I guess appearances don’t lie, because Sour Cream tastes almost exactly like Cool Ranch. Maybe a bit more mellow, but that initial bit of zip, or tang, or whatever you’d like to call it, from Cool Ranch is exactly what is present here. I really don’t taste any of the essence of what real sour cream tastes like. Which doesn’t mean they’re bad, mind you; I like Cool Ranch Doritos just fine. I just don’t usually put ranch on my enchiladas, is all.

Now, let’s try Cheesy Enchilada.  Hey! They’re not exactly like Nacho Cheese Doritos! Color me pleasantly surprised. There’s a definite cheesy flavor present that is reminiscent of the Nachos, but it’s a little less overpowering. Which is great, because that allows the second flavor to come through – a hint of smoky spiciness that stays with you after the chip is gone. The two flavors really play nicely with each other, creating a tasty snack with a bit of complexity.

And now, of course, for the true test: the Collision. To ensure accuracy, I took two similarly-sized chips and shoved them into my mouth together, creating a rain of crumbs on my kitchen counter and the uncomfortable feeling that someone could see me doing this. It is quite the flavor explosion, although I can’t say that the two flavors marry very well. There’s a lot of cheese and ranch, and even a little bit of the smokiness comes through, but at no point did I close my eyes and get transported to a fine Mexican restaurant, where I was eating a delicious cheese-filled tortilla smothered in enchilada sauce with a dollop of sour cream on top. Instead I was a woman, disgraced, standing alone in her kitchen, mangling two chips together so they would both fit into her mouth at once.

As a tag team, Doritos Collisions Cheesy Enchilada/Sour Cream chips don’t really work, which is sad because that is the whole premise of this gimmick. Apart, however, they are both tasty tortilla chips. It’s like being friends with a married couple who should have gotten divorced years ago; together, they are constantly at odds, and you are mildly embarrassed to be seen with them as they quarrel in public.   However, separately they are both fun, decent people. Plus, there’s a lot less crumbs involved.

  • Score: 3 out of 5 hamburgers Collided; 4 out of 5 hamburgers separately
  • Price: $3.29, $2.88 on sale
  • Size: 11 3/4 oz. bag
  • Purchased at: Fry’s Foods
  • Nutritional Quirks: Not much surprising here, although sour cream is actually listed as an ingredient.  Mud on my face, I guess.  COOL RANCH-FLAVORED MUD.