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Junk Food

Hershey’s Kisses Holiday: Milk Chocolates filled with Cherry Cordial Crème, Candy Cane Flavored Candies, Dark Chocolates filled with Mint Truffle

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Merry Christmas! Can you believe the last review I posted was Halloween? Life gets in the way sometimes. I’d started up a “Does this smell funny to you?” taster-for-hire business, but it went tits up, so I promise I won’t just be posting on holidays anymore. This doesn’t mean I’ll be posting a review on Boxing Day, but I promise you’ll see me again before Valentine’s Day.

When I think of Christmas Hershey’s Kisses, I think of your run-of-the-mill Kisses wrapped in green, red and silver foil. Apparently, I am ignorant and wrong. There are actually several special flavors of Christmas Kisses available. Well, Hershey’s calls them “Holiday” Kisses, but c’mon. They’re Christmas. Don’t fall in with the PC hype.

There are four different Holiday Kiss flavors: Milk Chocolate filled with Caramel, Milk Chocolate filled with Cherry Cordial Crème, Candy Cane Flavored Candies and Dark Chocolate filled with Mint Truffle. I only bought the latter three, and I’m not sure why, because I love chocolates filled with caramel. Perhaps it’s because I’m already pretty familiar with what caramel inside of chocolate tastes like. Perhaps it’s because buying three bags of Kisses is my limit. Whatever the reason, I found the three that I bought to be the most intriguing, so this is what you get. Well, sort of. One of my bags of Kisses went a little…AWOL, you might say. More on that later.

How long have these Holiday Kisses been in circulation? I have no idea. This is the first time I had ever seen them, but that doesn’t mean they haven’t been around since 1963. Well, they’re new to me, and maybe they’ll be new to you, too. Listen, just read the words and look at the pictures. Hell, you’re not even going to read the words. It’s Christmas. If you’re here at all, you’ve already eaten five pounds of ham, seven sugar cookies poorly decorated by your young relatives, and bitten the head off of at least one gingerbread man, having a not-so-secret feeling of satisfaction as you watch Gingerdead Man 2: Passion of the Crust.

I really hope you’re not actually watching that movie, unless you’re doing it in an effort to repulse your relatives and get a moment of private time for yourself. Desperate times, desperate measures. I understand. I don’t judge.

Hershey’s Kisses Milk Chocolates filled with Cherry Cordial Crème

Growing up, cherry cordials were a staple in my house. Not just during the holidays; there always seemed to be a box in the kitchen cupboard, right next to the Entenmann’s donuts variety pack . I did not partake in the cherry cordials. As a youth, I was not a fan of chocolate, and I hated cherries and all things cherry-flavored. I blame that on having to take a horrible “cherry-flavored” medication twice a day for god knows how many years. You can see how the association would taint my opinion.

These days, I am older, and questionably wiser. At the very least, I am more open-minded about trying new things, especially things that I would throw a tantrum over as a kid. I recently learned that green beans ain’t half bad. Hey, it only took two decades to figure that out!

The foil wrapping on the Cherry Cordial Kisses doesn’t exactly scream Christmas. Bright fuchsia with curvy brown stripes that would make Yipes the Zebra jealous? It’s the candy wrapper equivalent of buying a pink plastic Christmas tree.

Encased in classic Hershey’s Kisses chocolate, a pink ooze flooded my mouth as I bit into the candy. It was very viscous, and had a strong cherry flavor. Unfortunately, the taste was rather artificial. The gooey inside was a little cloyingly sweet, but the chocolate actually worked well in taming it a bit.

I could see how some people would be turned off by the texture of the filling, but I grew up with Freshen Up gum, so I wasn’t put off by it at all. Man, I am really showing my age with these references. First Yipes, then Freshen Up. If you were born after 1986, Google them.

At first, I rather enjoyed the Cherry Cordial Kisses, but the flavor got a little overwhelming after about three pieces. I haven’t had a chance to try a real cherry cordial since I’ve broadened my food horizons, so I figured I’d let my mom try one, since she was always the big cherry cordial fanatic. She immediately spit it in the trash and said it was awful.

Well. There’s one opinion.

Hershey’s Kisses Candy Cane Flavored Candies

Come Christmastime, there’s no shortage of peppermint-flavored sweets out there. It’s kind of hard to get excited about yet another candy cane-flavored candy, when I’ve already had at least a dozen of them. Given this, I wasn’t exactly chomping at the bit to try out these Holiday Kisses.

I am not, however, immune to the charms of Christmasy packaging, and Candy Cane Kisses obviously have the most Navidad-oriented foil wrapping, with the little red candy canes standing out against the shiny silver background. Anybody reaching into a bowl of candy is instantly going to know what these Kisses are all about, even if they are illiterate and can’t read the classic Kiss tissue paper…unwrapper…thingie.

Does that thing have a name? Is it called a flag? I’m going to call it a flag. I’m writing this on Christmas Eve. I can’t be delving deep into the depths of Hershey’s Kisses history to find out what their iconic little piece of paper is called and probably trademarked.

Getting back to the candy itself, I found myself enjoying Candy Cane Kisses more than I thought I would. I like that Hershey’s put the effort into making these Kisses white with red stripes, thus mimicking the look of an actual candy cane as much as they could, given the shape of a Kiss compared to a candy cane.

I was also pleasantly surprised to find that, when you bite into a Candy Cane Kiss, there’s little pieces of crunchy candy that add to the already strong peppermint flavor. I’d like to say those little crunchy bits are actual pieces of candy cane, but after reading the ingredients list, I couldn’t find any indication that this was the case. The main flavors of Candy Cane Kisses come from white chocolate and oil of peppermint. That said, the chocolate and the peppermint work great together, and I did love the little candy crunches, even if they weren’t authentic cane. I found myself reaching for a handful after I’d eaten my first one. Afterward, my breath was minty fresh and ready for some hot mistletoe action.

Hershey’s Kisses Dark Chocolates filled with Mint Truffle

Speaking of mint, here we have another minty Holiday Kiss. Hershey’s wants to make sure you’re 100% free of ham breath this holiday season.

The Mint Truffle Kiss foil wrapping is appropriately green, with adorable silver snowflakes all over. You may notice that there is no picture of an individually wrapped Mint Truffle Kiss here. There is a reason for this.

There are times when living with a food blogger can be trying. For instance, you get to stand around in the store while I try to find the best package that looks like it will photograph well and have the best chances of the product inside not being crushed or otherwise damaged. And then, once the product has been brought home, it’s hands-off until the photographs have been taken.

I was hanging out with my mom, who was visiting during the holiday season, during this particular purchase. She does not know the rules of food blogging. Before I had a chance to take my coat off once we’d come home, she had already ripped open the bag of Mint Truffle Kisses and was sampling the wares.

I was distressed. I informed her that the package was not to be opened until a picture had been taken. She was mortified, as if she had accidentally thrown away my sure to be award-winning piece of moldy bread that I was going to present at the Science Fair. Before I could get a word in, she already had the Scotch tape out, and was working fervently to repair the opened package with Scotch tape, positioning and re-positioning the plastic until she had repaired the bag to the point that you could barely see it had been opened. Can you spot the repairs? I have to admit, she did an admirable job.

The entire time she was doing this, I was trying to tell her that it was no big deal, and that the more she fussed with it, the more I was just going to make fun of her in this article. I don’t think she heard me. She was too busy trimming off millimeters of tape so it wouldn’t show in the picture.

For as much effort as she put into attempting to restore the bag back to mint (har) condition, she did not seem to take into consideration the fact that I had not taken a picture of the actual candy. So enamored was she with the Mint Truffle Kisses, in fact, that she either ate the whole bag or took the rest of them back to California with her while I wasn’t looking. This means I have no pictures of the foil wrapper or of the inside of the candy itself. Luckily, I did get the picture of the bag, and managed to score a few of the candies to eat for myself, so I can at least tell you how they looked and tasted.

I know you want pictures. I am sorry that I have none. Luckily, there is a candy out there that is remarkably similar to Mint Truffle Kisses: Andes Crème Menthes! You may have found these candies on your pillow upon arriving at a hotel room. You may have gotten one with your check at a restaurant once or twice. Mint Truffle Kisses taste almost exactly like these candies.

These Kisses have a dark chocolate outside, unlike the other Holiday selections. I’m not a huge fan of dark chocolate, but the kind they used for these Kisses is a less cocoa-heavy dark chocolate, and I found it paired fantastically with the minty inside. If you bite a Mint Truffle Kiss in half, you’ll see a green filling, but unlike the gooey, oozing center of the Cherry Cordials, this filling is about the same consistency as the dark chocolate outside, making for a smooth chocolate mint experience.

I enjoyed each of Hershey’s Holiday Kiss offerings, to varying degrees. I liked the pairing of chocolate and cherry in the Cherry Cordial Kisses, but found the artificial cherry flavor a little too strong, and the texture of the gooey center might be off-putting to some.

I thought I would find the Candy Cane Kisses a big yawn, but the creaminess of the white chocolate paired with the crunch of the tiny (although faux) candy cane pieces resulted in a pleasant peppermint candy with a texture that sets them apart from other Kiss varieties.

Pairing a mild dark chocolate with a creamy mint filling in the Mint Truffle Kisses was a no-brainer. If you like mint chocolate chip ice cream, well, you’ve pretty much found that flavor in the form of a Hershey’s Kiss. You could serve your Christmas guests Andes Crème Menthes and get pretty much the same flavor, but you’d be missing out on the iconic Kiss shape and the adorable snowflake wrapping. There’s a reason why my mom ran off with these before I had a chance to take a picture of the candies.

Today is Christmas, so unless you’re an extreme procrastinator, you’ve probably already got all your Christmas candies set out in your Santa-shaped bowls for all to snack on as they wait for their ham or duck or tofurkey or whatever it is you slave over to serve before the wrapping paper starts flying. However, I hope you’ll keep these in mind for next year, if they’re still around, as a fun alternative to the regular ol’ gussied up Hershey’s Kisses. And try the green beans this year; you may find that you like them, after all.

Hershey’s Kisses Holiday: Milk Chocolates filled with Cherry Cordial Crème, Candy Cane Flavored Candies and Dark Chocolates filled with Mint Truffle

  • Score: Milk Chocolates filled with Cherry Cordial Crème: 2.5 out of 5 late 1980’s gum references
  • Score: Candy Cane Flavored Candies: 4 out of 5 candy cane Vaudeville Hooks
  • Score: Dark Chocolates filled with Mint Truffle: 4.5 out of 5 carefully Scotch-taped bags of candy
  • Price: $2.50 each
  • Size: 10 oz. bags
  • Purchased at: Target
  • Nutritional Quirks: Candy Cane Kisses appear to not contain actual candy canes. The “truffle” in Mint Truffle is unexplained.
Fast Food

Wendy’s Spicy Chipotle Crispy Chicken Sandwich, Spicy Chipotle Jr. Cheeseburger and Natural-Cut French Fries with Sea Salt

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Please welcome special guest reviewer Robert (Not Bob).  A little while back, GrubGrade broke the news that Wendy’s had some new items in test markets. One of these items was being tested in the Dallas area. My friend Robert lives around there, so I asked him if he would try it out and write a review for me. To my astonishment, he actually did! Enjoy this sneak peak of what may someday come to a Wendy’s near you!

To me, Wendy’s seems to be the “Red Haired Step-Child” of fast food chains. They’ve even acknowledged this by choosing a red haired, and presumably gap-toothed, hayseedish-looking child as their mascot.

Unlike your usual reviewers, I’m not a habitual frequenter of fast food restaurants. But the 3 or 6 times a year I do consent to go to one, I never even consider Wendy’s. Hell, they can’t even make their hamburger patties the right shape.

A quick look at the Wikipedia page for Wendy’s tells me that it’s the third largest hamburger chain after McDonald’s and Burger King, which surprises me, because I personally can’t find anyone that’ll admit to frequenting their establishment. As for myself, I honestly think that the last time I visited one was about 20 years ago, when I was dirt-poor and in college, and discovered their cheap-and-surprisingly-good chili. Most of the people I talked to about Wendy’s seemed to share the same opinion, which is “They have a couple of things that are pretty good, but when I want a burger, I go elsewhere.”

At this point, I’ll pause to point out that the sole qualification I have for writing this review is that I live in North-Central Texas, where Wendy’s is test marketing a couple of new menu items.

Like every other chain, Wendy’s is rolling out a spicy chicken sandwich. Since chipotle is the “go-to” spicy of fast food, they’ve jumped on that bandwagon too, resulting in the “Spicy Chipotle Crispy Chicken Sandwich”.

The first thing I noticed when I stepped into a local Wendy’s is that the average age of their patrons appears to be hovering around the 65~70 mark. Maybe that’s the secret of their success. The geezers don’t want to dodge the kids at McDonalds and they don’t want to associate with the potheads at Taco Bell, so they’ve made Wendy’s their destination restaurant. Hey, they actually have “Old Fashioned” as part of their subtitle, so that may actually be the market they’re playing for.

The second thing I noticed was that my target sandwich is a 99-cent item and has a companion menu item, the 99-cent Spicy Chipotle Jr. Cheeseburger. I decided to take one for the team and try them both. I also decided to give their much-hyped Natural-Cut French Fries with Sea Salt a shot, so you get a bonus review, even though it’s a review of something that’s been around for six months.

Let’s take a look under the hood of the Spicy Chipotle Crispy Chicken.

As expected, there’s the orange-y chipotle sauce that shows up so often on “spicy chipotle” fast food items. A quick by-itself taste test reveals that it’s not as spicy or tangy as most. In fact, it appears that the main thing it brings to the party is “orange”. The chicken looks to be a standard, un-spicy pre-formed patty and the cheese is maybe white American or Swiss.

The real surprise is the jalapeños. Didn’t see that one coming. As a food item billed as “chipotle”, it’s supposed to get it’s spicy from a sauce or seasoning from dried, smoked jalapeños, not from fresh or pickled ones.

After tasting the sandwich, I can say that it’s a good thing they’re there. The chicken patty itself is fine, although you’d never mistake it for the vastly superior chicken of Chik-Fil-A. As expected, the sauce really didn’t add much spice, just kept the overall sandwich from being overly dry. Even in that function it didn’t do very well, since its application was a little sparse for my taste. The jalapeños, however, held up their end of the bargain and added a decent amount of bite. Much like the presence of Patrick Warburton in a substandard kiddie movie, they made a mediocre offering palatable, even mildly enjoyable.

Ok, time to look at the Spicy Chipotle Jr. Cheeseburger, which features the exact same ingredients, but with the weird square patty instead of the chicken.

After only one bite I finally, instantly understood why Wendy’s hamburger patties are square.

It’s a warning. Like the brilliant colors on a poison dart frog, it’s nature’s way of saying “Don’t Touch”. The meat had an unhealthy, “off” taste that seriously made me unable to even taste the jalapeños, let alone the bland chipotle sauce.

Shuddering at the memory, I cleansed my palate and moved on to the Natural-Cut French Fries with Sea Salt.

I’m not a big french-fry eater. I honestly think they’re an over-rated side, and that their success is mostly due to their portability and America’s love affair with salt and dipping food into other food.

However, I must say, these were some pretty tasty fries. The left-on skin gave them a hardier, more potato-y flavor than you usually get out of a fast food fry, and the use of sea salt instead of table salt was noticeable, if only slightly. Wendy’s got it about right on these.

In conclusion, I’ll say that the Spicy Chipotle Crispy Chicken is a fairly decent offering for a 99-cent value-meal item (even if it’s name is a lie) and the Natural-Cut French Fries with Sea Salt live up to their name. However, the Spicy Chipotle Jr. Cheeseburger is literally uneatable, due to the nasty-tasting beef that Wendy’s apparently uses. However, if you decide to try any of them, I recommend bringing along this if you actually want to taste anything that even vaguely resembles chipotle.

Spicy Chipotle Crispy Chicken Sandwich

  • Score: 3 out of 5 surprise jalapeños
  • Price: 99-cents
  • Size: 1 sandwich
  • Purchased at: Wendy’s, Fort Worth, Texas
  • Nutritional Quirks: Sauce apparently more ornamental than functional.

Spicy Chipotle Jr. Cheeseburger

  • Score: 1 out of 5 poisonous amphibians
  • Price: 99-cents
  • Size:1 burger
  • Purchased at: Wendy’s, Fort Worth, Texas
  • Nutritional Quirks: Square hamburger patties preferred by the geriatric.

Natural-Cut French Fries with Sea Salt

  • Score: 4 out of 5 Lot’s wives
  • Price: 99-cents
  • Size: 1 value-size container
  • Purchased at: Wendy’s, Fort Worth, Texas
  • Nutritional Quirks: Sprayed with sodium acid pyrophosphate, dusted with dextrose corn sugar and boiled in oil containing dimethylpolysiloxane.  Oh, and there’s presumably some sea salt in there somewhere.
Junk Food

Tabasco Fiasco!

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As we all know, the Internet is a magical place where you can buy just about anything your little heart desires. However, this can easily backfire on you. We’ve all experienced it: that drunken 3am purchase of Transformers: The Complete Series off of Amazon that set you back $200. Maybe that Groupon for 90% off pedicures was a deal too great to pass up, until you remembered you hate people touching your feet. Maybe you bought a vintage 1980s GI Joe ID bracelet off eBay for $30 in a fit of nostalgia, even though you’re a grown man and it won’t even fit on your admittedly skinny wrists. (True story.)

The point here, obviously, is that we’ve all made that impulsive purchase off the Internet that we either completely regretted or just wondered what the hell we were thinking. As you may have guessed, this review is being written in the spirit of this concept. In this case, however, there was a series of events that led up to me owning a Tabasco lollipop. I will spell out the scenario:

I walk through the front door of my apartment. How It’s Made, a show about, well, how things are made, is on the TV. I like to keep my cats company with the dulcet tones of Brooks Moore, which I’m sure they appreciate. It just so happens that they’re showing how Tabasco is made. I stop, transfixed, because Tabasco is awesome and I was eager to learn their terrible secrets of deliciousness. At the end, they show all the different flavors Tabasco makes. I’d seen most at the store, but one flavor stood out: Garlic Pepper.

Garlic Pepper! I’ve never seen that in any store! I had the brilliant idea of checking to see if I could buy it off the Internet. Well, of course I could. Tabasco has its own online store, and they offer a 6-pack “Family of Flavors” that offers all the flavors. In addition, I could get a free bottle of their newest flavor, Buffalo Style, with any purchase. Sold!

I made a critical mistake, however; instead of just impulsively spending an inappropriate amount of money on condiments, I thought, hey, maybe I’ll just look around the Tabasco Country Store a little bit. Just for kicks.

And that is when it happened.

Oh, hello. There’s a whole section labeled snacks! What’s this now? Popcorn? SPAM?! Ice cream mix?! It was a whole world of crazy for which I was entirely unprepared. My mind reeled. I was powerless. And that is the story about how I now have ten bottles of various Tabascos in my house and wound up being the not-exactly-proud owner of Zapp’s Spicy Creole Tomato Potato Chips and a Tabasco Lollipop. In seven paragraphs.

On the bright side, I’ve got a (relatively) new flavor of Tabasco that was free, a bag of potato chips from a brand I’ve never seen, and a hot sauce lollipop that most of you will probably never try, and for good reason. These three factors doth a JFB review make. Let’s see if I can save this Tabasco Fiasco by turning it into something entertaining enough to justify paying two dollars for a hot sauce sucker. I think we know who the real sucker is.

Tabasco Buffalo Style Hot Sauce

The box that my bottle of Tabasco Buffalo Style came in claims that it is “buffalo style, perfected.” It went even further, saying, “Once you try new Tabasco Buffalo Style Hot Sauce, you’ll see that it stands heads and horns above the rest. It’s a thick sauce, so it sticks to things better. And it has just the right amount of heat, so it does more than make one-of-a-kind wings.”

It goes on to describe all the different uses for the sauce that you already know about, because if you have half a brain you can figure out that you can use buffalo sauce for more than just wings. I also like that they break down the idea that thick sauce sticks to things better. Physics lesson learned; thanks Tabasco!

 

Two-day-old leftover Extra Crispy drumstick courtesy of KFC.

I did find that it was indeed thicker than say, Frank’s Red Hot Sauce, but it wasn’t quite as thick as I thought it would be, which was a little disappointing. It’s about as thick as Tapatio hot sauce, if that gives you a fair comparison.

As for the taste, at first I thought, “Well, it tastes like buffalo sauce. What more can I say.” But that didn’t sit quite right with me. Then I realized I’d only tried it on the chicken. I had to taste it in its pure form. So I found myself, once again, standing in my kitchen, pantsless…sucking on a bottle of hot sauce.

I’m glad I did, because I think it gave me some clarity in regards to both texture and flavor. Tabasco Buffalo Style isn’t as thick as I thought it would be, but I think that little bump in thickness really does make a difference. Furthermore, I feel like there’s a balance of heat and vinegar twang that other buffalo sauces lack. With some other sauces, I sometimes feel like I’m being hit over the head with vinegar, but Tabasco hit a nice balance. Between the thicker texture and the flavor balance, I’d say Tabasco has made my favorite buffalo sauce yet. Way to go, Tabasco!

Zapp’s Potato Chips Spicy Creole Tomato Spiked with Tabasco

There’s a lot going on here, just in the name of these chips. Spicy! Creole! Tomato…? Spiked with Tabasco! So many flavors in one bag! I like the design; it looks kind of like they went old school. Either that, or Zapp’s hasn’t actually changed their design in 40 years. I’m fine with either one.

Even the back of the bag is adorable in its quaintness. If ZPCSCTSwT’s bag was a website, a little envelope would be sliding in and out of that mailbox, and there would probably be dancing Tabasco logo GIFs. Maybe there would be an embedded MIDI of a banjo playing (Zapp’s is proudly from Louisiana, after all). The background would be eye-burningly orangish-red and all the font would be minty green and probably Comic Sans. It doesn’t hurt that they call their website a “FunSite” on the bag.

However, I shouldn’t judge a chip by its cover. Let’s see how spicy, creole, tomato and Tabasco all work together!

As you can see at the bottom of the front of the bag, these aren’t just potato chips, they’re also kettle chips. And they kettle well, hitting that sweet spot of being thick and crunchy without being so thick they threaten to break your teeth and stab your gums.

With words like “spicy”, “spiked” and “Tabasco” in the product’s title, you’d think you would be immediately hit with a blast of heat. Not so much, here. There was a little heat, but it didn’t really build to anything that would have you running for the milk jug. They did hit the Tabasco note, however; the classic combination of spice and vinegar was prominent.

That leaves tomato and Creole. I found tomato an odd choice of flavoring, especially considering how many other flavors were in the pool. Surprisingly, under the initial Tabasco taste, there was a subtle yet noticeable tomato flavor that worked well with the Tabasco.

As for Creole, can’t say I was sold on that one. First off, “Creole” is not really a flavor, it’s more of a style of cuisine. I gave Zapp’s a pass, however, because you could argue that they meant “the flavors of Creole cuisine”. Unfortunately for Zapp’s, I can’t give them a pass on actually representing the flavors of Creole. There were hints of onion, and yeah, there’s some spiciness, but I feel like Zapp’s thinks they can get away with throwing “Creole” in with impunity because they’re from Louisiana. I would have been perfectly fine with just “Spicy Tomato Spiked with Tabasco”.

Nitpicking aside, I did enjoy ZPCSCTSwT overall. While the spiciness never reached the height I was expecting, the more I ate the chips, the more I found that I enjoyed that level of heat and it was pretty spot-on with Tabasco, as was the level of vinegar. That, along with the underlying flavors of tomato and onion, as well as a satisfying crunch, make Zapp’s Potato Chips Spicy Creole Tomato Spiked with Tabasco an enjoyable snack. It’s a shame and also dangerous that the only way I can get these chips again is by going on the Internet. Explaining to my parents that I have to move back in with them because I went broke buying Tabasco products online would be pretty embarrassing.

Tabasco Lollipop

Speaking of embarrassing, we come to the final impulse item, the Tabasco Lollipop. But listen, I can explain.

I have a serious oral fixation (save the jokes) and self-diagnosed Restless Hand Syndrome, which means I’m constantly fiddling with things and have to choose between chain smoking, constantly eating and thus becoming too fat to fit through my doorway, chewing gum, or sucking on hard candy. My lungs already hate me, I like being able to see my toes, and I don’t have a sweet tooth. I’ve found myself occasionally wishing someone would make a gum that tasted like meat, but quickly realized that would be a horrible idea.

So, when I saw the Tabasco Lollipop, I thought, perfect! A hot sauce hard candy that will keep both my hands and my mouth occupied (again, with the jokes) while filling my mouth with delicious spiciness.

That did not work out. From my very first suck (STOP IT) I knew exactly what this “Tabasco” sucker really tasted like:

ATOMIC FIREBALLSSSSS!

I loved Atomic Fireballs as a kid. At some point, I was in a class where the teacher handed them out as rewards for stuff like good grades or generally not acting like an asshole. We would all sit around, seeing who could keep the candy in their mouths the longest before giving in. For those unfamiliar with Atomic Fireballs, they taste like cinnamon and burn like hell. That may not sound fun, but somehow, it is.

One problem I have with this sucker is the size. I know I have a small mouth, but I think most people would have a hard time fitting the whole thing in (SHUT UP). On the plus side, the large size means that you’ll get a lot of candy bang for your buck. Two bucks, in this case. Plus, you’d have to have a pretty strong constitution to keep it in your mouth for any long period of time.

So, Tabasco Lollipops taste absolutely nothing like Tabasco. That’s a pretty big fail. On the other hand, they taste like Atomic Fireballs, which is great. Makes it difficult to grade. I think I’ll split the difference and call it fair.

Thus ends our tour of the Tabasco Fiasco. Turned out pretty okay, if you ask me. I have a new favorite buffalo sauce, some tasty chips, and a lollipop that will probably take me a month to get through. Some impulsive Internet purchases end in regret; this one resulted in some surprisingly good stuff. And a really long review.

Oh, and the Tabasco Garlic Pepper Hot Sauce? Pretty darn good.  The garlic adds an interesting dimension.  3.5 out of 5.

Tabasco Buffalo Style Hot Sauce

  • Score: 4.5 out of 5 “horns above the rest”
  • Price: Free! (With purchase)
  • Size: 5 oz. bottle
  • Purchased at: Tabasco Country Store
  • Nutritional Quirks: No surprises here, just a solid buffalo sauce!

Zapp’s Potato Chips Spicy Creole Tomato Spiked with Tabasco

  • Score: 4 out of 5 embedded MIDI banjo songs
  • Price: $1.25
  • Size: 2 oz. bag
  • Purchased at: Tabasco Country Store
  • Nutritional Quirks: Creole suspiciously missing from chips made in Louisiana

Tabasco Lollipop

  • Score: 3 out of 5 Atomic Fireball contests
  • Price: $2.00
  • Size: 1 lollipop
  • Purchased at: Tabasco Country Store
  • Nutritional Quirks: Does not taste at all like Tabasco, but does taste just like an Atomic Fireball!
Junk Food

Lay’s Kettle Cooked Creamy Mediterranean Herb Flavored Potato Chips

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Lay’s recently introduced two new flavors to their Kettle Cooked line of potato chips. What a boring introductory sentence. They say the first sentence can make or break a novel. If you don’t hook your reader fast, you may have already lost them. So let’s try again.

In a move that rocked the world of snack food, Lay’s dropped a major bombshell in introducing two extraordinary new flavors to their already mind-shattering line of Kettle Cooked potato chips.

There, that’s better. The two (amazing!) flavors are Spicy Cayenne & Cheese and Creamy Mediterranean Herb. Spicy Cayenne & Cheese sounds kind of boring. Spicy and cheese, in chip form?! Alert the presses!

Creamy Mediterranean Herb, however…now that’s something unique. I was intrigued by these chips mostly for the addition of the word “creamy” in the product name. Creamy herbs? Creamy Mediterranean herbs? What the fuck is that? What does that even mean? I was already down with Mediterranean herbs; I love me some hummus, feta, olives, gyros, you name it. Mediterranean almost always gets a thumbs up in my book. Throw “creamy” out in front and you’ve definitely got my attention. I must know what creamy herbs taste like.

This would be the part where I actually tell you what the chips taste like, but that would make for a dangerously short review, and we can’t have that. Luckily, Snack Chat comes through once again with this little throwaway tidbit of information I spotted between a pair of parentheses: “(Fun fact: “Top Chef” host Padma Lakshmi and Frito-Lay executive chef Stephen Kalil cooked at the live billboard in Times Square today with Lay’s Kettle Cooked Creamy Mediterranean Herb.”

Oh really, Snack Chat. Sexyhot Padma McChefJudge cooking with the chips? What kind of craziness could this produce? No link was provided, but it didn’t take much Google-Fu to find a video of this event. The video is 15 minutes long and disappointingly boring, so I’ll just break it down for you.

As stated, Padma and Kalil are cooking two stories above the Hard Rock Cafe in Times Square. Unfortunately, they are not cooking with chips. Basically, Padma panders to Frito-Lay, gushing about how amazing it is that they’re aiming to have half their products all-natural by the end of the year. Kalil then takes two “sweet and spicy” recipes out of Padma’s cookbook and combines them, an amazing culinary feat that causes Padma to make a foodgasm face upon tasting. The only interesting thing that happens in this video is when a giant fire truck goes by with sirens and horns blaring, forcing them to stop complimenting each other and stand around awkwardly for 30 seconds until the noise subsides.

Well, perhaps not the only interesting thing. Amongst all the fawning over Padma’s recipes and unexpected fire truck interruptions, they did manage to talk about the chips a bit. Kalil revealed a bit about the process of creating all-natural flavors, stating that they started creating the flavor of Creamy Mediterranean Herb with some goat cheese and “citrus herb”, which consisted of lemon zest, orange zest, and ground cardamom. They played around with different cheeses, finally settling on a mixture of marscapone, Boursin, and something else I couldn’t make out because the video skipped.

Padma, however, kept insisting they tasted like a “couture version of sour cream and onion”, which probably made Kalil fume and made her look like a dumbass after proclaiming earlier that she became a cook because she had such a sensitive palate. She also claimed that an associate and she “blew through a whole bag” one night, which I refuse to believe unless she also “blew chunks” afterwards. Bitch don’t stay skinny scarfing down half a bag of potato chips. I don’t care how all-natural they are.

In the end, the video wasn’t a complete waste of 15 minutes of my life. At the very least, I got a tiny glimpse into Frito-Lay’s test kitchen ways, and I learned that Boursin is a cheese, which I had never heard of before. It’s interesting that Kalil focused mainly on the cheese, since the name of the chips focuses on the herbs and doesn’t mention cheese at all. I guess that he can’t reveal all of their trade secrets. I respect his cheesy deflection.

I try to go into each of my reviews blind, having no knowledge of ingredients or other people’s opinions on the taste of a product, but after watching the video, I’ve obviously been tainted.  At the very least, I can go into it seeing if I can detect the flavors described by Kalil.  Or I can see if they taste like “couture sour cream and onion”.  You’re lucky you’re so hot, Padma, because I kind of want to throw a hot bowl of some Top Chef contestant’s failed consummé with celery foam in your face right now.  I could make your face match your arm.  OHHH LOW BLOW

Before I wind up getting sued by Bravo for making assault threats, I should probably move on to the chips themselves.  Here they are!

I’ve never had Lay’s Kettle chips before, but I have had Kettle brand kettle chips, and I was surprised at how small Lay’s version are by comparison.  After some thought, I decided that’s actually a good thing – with smaller chips, the likelihood of having a piece of potato shrapnel lodge into your gums is reduced, which is always a good thing.  And Lay’s Kettle Cooked had just the right amount of crunch, without being so thick you’re afraid you’re going to chip a tooth.

There were a lot of layers of flavor in Creamy Mediterranean Herb, but none of them managed to be overwhelming.  The onion and garlic hit my taste buds first, and then the cheese kicks in.  I was surprised by the flavor of the cheese – mainly, that it actually tasted like cheese, instead of neon-orange artificial cheese-flavored powder.  It didn’t hit you over the head, but it made its presence known in a good way.

Strangely, I found myself thinking that these chips actually did taste creamy.  Creamy chips sound gross, but it was the authenticity of the cheese flavor that made the impression.  Well, you got me, Lay’s – you managed to make your chips taste creamy. Your product name actually makes sense.

But what about the Mediterranean herbs?  The final layer took a little time to show itself, but I was grateful it did, because the lingering mixture of cheese, basil and oregano made my mouth happy well after I’d finished eating the chips.  Basil and oregano definitely qualify as Mediterranean herbs, so our product name has come full circle.  The back of the bag confirms this, saying, “Real basil and oregano come together with rich white cheddar to bring the savory taste of Mediterranean cuisine to these flavorful chips.”

Wait a second, here.  White cheddar?  What happened to the marscapone?  The Boursin?  The other cheese that I’ll never know because of a video glitch?  Well, I guess that doesn’t matter now, because the ingredient list confirms that cheddar cheese is, indeed, the only cheese used to flavor these chips.  What the fuck, Stephen Kalil?  You filthy liar.  Both marscapone and Boursin are creamy cheeses, which would make perfect sense in the context of these chips, but instead, I get white cheddar.  I feel betrayed.

Despite my disappointment in finding out I’m eating white cheddar chips and not fancy Boursin chips, I really enjoyed Lay’s Kettle Cooked Creamy Mediterranean Herb Flavored Potato Chips.  I liked the smaller size of the chip, thought the crunch was just right, and appreciated the layers of flavor that slowly unfolded over my palate instead of hitting me on the head.  My one complaint (besides that liar Stephen Kalil) is that the onion and the garlic may have come on too strong in the beginning; I enjoyed their participation, but would have liked the basil and oregano to be stronger players up front.  I have a feeling this bag of chips won’t last long; this isn’t one of those snacks that languish in my cupboard after a review until they’re stale and have to be thrown out.  Fortunately, I don’t host a chef reality show on tv, so if I blow through the bag in one night, I won’t have to taste them a second time afterwards.  (Sorry for being so hard on you Padma; you’re still sexyhot.  Call me!)

  • Score: 4 out of 5 awkwardly-timed fire engines
  • Price: $2.49 (on sale; regular price $3.49)
  • Size: 8 1/2 oz. bag
  • Purchased at: Safeway #1717
  • Nutritional Quirks: No marscapone. No Boursin. Just white cheddar. 🙁
Junk Food

Fritos Tapatío-Flavored Corn Chips

5 Comments

I love Tapatío. It is my go-to hot sauce for just about everything. I put it on pizza, I put it in ramen, I adorn macaroni and cheese with it. I also just realized I have the diet of a poor college student. Just kidding, I realized that years ago.

Let’s not lose sight, here.Tapatío! Now in powdered chip form! When I saw these Fritos at my local convenience store I did the Happy Snack Dance. I was so overzealous that I failed to notice that there are also Tapatío-flavored Doritos and Ruffles, too. The cashier behind the counter kindly pointed this fact out to me, but I wasn’t about to go back and hunt for the other two, because that would make me look weird and would also piss off the person behind me. So you get Fritos, and that’s all you get. I don’t need all three anyway; just take whatever I say about the Tapatío powder and pretend it’s on a tortilla chip, then on a potato chip. Done! Easiest review ever.

Actually, I just read Snack Chat and my previous sentence is completely inaccurate. The Doritos have a Nacho Cheese base and the Ruffles “include a touch of lime juice”. I still feel I made the right choice, even if it was accidental, because the Fritos version appear to be purely Tapatío, so I’ll be able to judge more accurately if they have captured the true essence of the hot sauce. Plus, these are Frito Flavor Twists (although not labeled as such), and I’ve somehow managed to have never had this particular iteration of Fritos, so it will be a learning experience for all of us.

 

Fritos and Tapatío 'bout to get freaky!

If you’ve never had this hot sauce, I’ll let Snack Chat break it down: “For those that aren’t familiar, Tapatío hot sauce has been around since the early 1970s. It started as a part-time venture for founder Luis Saavedra, Sr. who made batches of hot sauce in his family home, selling the finished bottles to local Los Angeles markets. Despite its humble beginning, Tapatío hot sauce eventually caught on and is now a staple in homes and restaurants across the country.”

As Tapatío Fritos are part of the Sabritas line, everything’s in Spanish. There’s some English as well, like in the Nutritional Information section, but some things are only in Spanish, like on the back of the bag pictured above. According to Google Translate, “¡Ya llegó!” means “Has arrived!”. “Dile hola a” I can handle myself with my two years of basic Spanish; that means “Say hello to”. “Has arrived!” isn’t exactly the kind of statement I would tack an exclamation point onto, but hey, certain things get lost in translation.

 

Upon opening the bag, I was greeted with the smell of…enchiladas? Bizarre, but true. Like corn tortillas with a saucy, spicy smell. The twists definitely didn’t taste like enchiladas, though. Tapatío Fritos definitely bring the heat of the hot sauce; one of the things I like so much about it is that it’s spicy and has a good level of heat, but not so much heat that your taste buds burn out and you’re sweating and dying for a glass of milk. It’s the perfect level of heat for me. These chips had that same level of heat, with an afterburn that’s pleasant, not painful.

Another distinctive feature of Tapatío is the aftertaste. Perhaps it’s the combination of red peppers and garlic, or the always-vague “spices”, but it has a taste that differs from other hot sauces. Fritos got part of it; there’s a little garlic in there with the lingering heat. It seemed like there was a little something missing, though. Looking at the ingredients, “Tapatío seasoning” is listed, which captures all of the elements of Tapatío sauce except the red peppers, which is one of the key ingredients. This may be what keeps Tapatío Fritos from tasting 100% Tapatío.

All in all, I think Fritos Tapatío-Flavored Corn Chips succeeded in being tasty and came very close to capturing the essence of Tapatío. The heat level was just right and the touch of garlic was thoughtful. The only thing holding Fritos back from truly making a Tapatío chip was a certain flavor missing from the aftertaste, which may have been because they didn’t include red peppers in the equation. That said, I think Fritos did a good job in staying true to Tapatío’s flavor, instead of just creating another heat-based chip.

  • Score: 4 out of 5 ¡Ya llegós!
  • Price: 99 cents
  • Size: 2 7/8 oz. bag
  • Purchased at: Circle K #2821
  • Nutritional Quirks: No red peppers in the chips, even though it’s one of the main ingredients in Tapatío.
Junk Food

Limited Edition (No More!) Retro Doritos Taco Flavor Tortilla Chips

98 Comments

Confessions: Junk Food Betty Edition.

When I was around nine years old, I stole a pack of stickers from a Hallmark store. I don’t even remember what the stickers were; probably Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles or something. I have never told anyone about this before.

Oh, shit, wait – that was the wrong confession! Oh well; I’m pretty sure the statute of limitations has run out on that crime. What I meant to confess is that I’ve been putting off reviewing these Retro Doritos Taco Flavor because I never had the original Doritos Taco Flavor. The best I can do is treat it like any other product I review, offering my opinion on the flavor and leaving it at that. But after I read the comments on The Impulsive Buy’s news announcement, I became even more intimidated. It seems those who actually ate the original Taco Doritos are rather polarized; some say it tastes just like the original, and some are OUTRAGED at the fact that it does not.

Of course, all taste is subjective. Since I can’t give a comparison, I’d like to ask any JFB readers who have eaten both the original and retro Taco Doritos to leave a comment telling me what you think about the two. Also feel free to tell me I got the flavor profile all wrong. You know, whatever.

With that out of the way, let’s take a small exploration into the history of Taco Doritos. Introduced in 1967, it was the second flavor of Doritos to ever hit the streets. The first was Toasted Corn. That’s a pretty prestigious position to be in. Taco went away at some point, not sure when. In the 1990s, there was a flavor called Taco Bell Taco Supreme, which was later just called Taco, and then there was a Zesty Taco flavor in the Collisions line, but then there was also the Late Night line that had Tacos at Midnight, which apparently did not taste-

You know what, I’m basing all of this information off of Wikipedia, which, of course, you can’t cite as a source in your book report, so just read this and try to sort it all out. Long story short: lots of different taco flavors in Doritos throughout the years.

No matter what they taste like, I’m tempted to empty the bag and frame it. Doritos got me on the packaging; as part of the Nostalgia Generation, whenever I see something like this bag, I think back to my childhood, when my worst problems were making sure I didn’t miss Saved by the Bell and nagging my dad to put air in the tires of my Huffy bike. Simpler times, simpler packaging. I love it.

I find the taste of the chips simpler, too. Again, I never had the original (that I can remember), but these Doritos have a nice, clean flavor profile. I’ve never had a taco that didn’t contain some kind of meat before, but these chips have no meat flavor whatsoever, and for that I am grateful. 1967 – simpler times, when people didn’t have to worry about things that weren’t meat tasting like meat.

What it does taste like, however, is Doritos Nacho Cheese with hints of onion, garlic, and maybe a little tomato. That’s it. No crazy extra stuff, no weird aftertaste I can’t quite explain. Just a nice cheese chip with some pleasant complimentary flavors.

Given, that’s not really what a taco tastes like, and it’s not exactly a mind-blowing flavor, but I don’t care. I still like them, and have been shoving them in my mouth for almost this entire review, so that says something. I wasn’t alive in 1967, but maybe this was a mind-blowing flavor back then. Either way, I think it’s a solid chip. And I would hug the retro bag if it didn’t mean crushing all the chips.

Update: Since it took me so long to write this, Doritos has announced in their Snack Chat that Retro Taco Doritos will stay around for good! Now I can hug my bag, because I can just go get another one!

Update the second: As of me putting the finishing touches on this post, there has been TREACHERY! If you read the Snack Chat link in the first update, you will see that I was correct in saying Taco was the second Doritos flavor ever, and that it debuted in 1967. A few days ago, when I started this post, The Wikipedia link I posted reflected this fact. But look what the Wikipedia article says as of 12:37pm MST, 2/28/11: “The first flavor of Doritos was Toasted Corn followed by Nacho Cheese (known for a time as Nacho Cheesier) flavor was released in 1972 while Cool Ranch (known for a time as Cooler Ranch) flavor was released in 1986.”

THIS IS NOT TRUE! DO NOT BELIEVE WIKIPEDIA! BELIEVE SNACK CHAT! Just more proof that on Wikipedia, “any jackass could have written that”. And this is why Wikipedia isn’t allowed as a citation for book reports! Or my website, apparently!

  • Score: 4 out of 5 sombreros
  • Price: $3.29
  • Size: 12 oz. bag
  • Purchased at: Fry’s Foods
  • Nutritional Quirks: Despite being taco flavored, Doritos Taco does not taste like meat.  GOOD.
Junk Food

Ruffles Loaded Chili & Cheese and Molten Hot Wings Potato Chips

17 Comments

Ruffles are not one of Frito-Lay’s products that gets a lot of new family members. Doritos seem to fuck like rabbits, producing a new flavor every two seconds, and Cheetos get a lot of play, but Ruffles are just…Ruffles. Ridged and thicker than Lay’s, original Ruffles are the perfect chip for dipping. There’s a few flavors, like Authentic Barbecue and Sour Cream & Onion, but they’re pretty pedestrian. I do have to say, I love their Cheddar & Sour Cream. But generally, Ruffles have been one of the quietest of all the Frito-Lay children.

Until now! Ruffles has come out with not one, but two new Ruffles flavors, and I’m excited about both of them. Molten Hot Wings and Loaded Chili & Cheese? Hells yeah, sign me up for flavor country! I would have just been happy with Hot Wings, but these are Molten Hot Wings. Chili & Cheese gets my blood pumping (Fritos Chili Cheese chips rock), but these are Loaded Chili & Cheese. How are they loaded? Onions on top? Sour cream? Or just really drunk? It is a mystery, and I hope it’s a delicious one.

You might be thinking that Frito-Lay just up and decided to give Ruffles some love. But there’s an ulterior motive going on here. A sinister ulterior motive.

Okay it’s not that sinister. It’s just silly.

If you read Frito-Lay’s Snack Chat blog, and I know you don’t, you would know that there’s a theme going on here. Ruffles Molten Hot Wing and Loaded Chili & Cheese are being released with a buddy, Doritos Pizza Supreme. Are you seeing a theme here? Have you noticed that, on some recent Sundays, there’s suddenly the smell of grilling and the sound of yelling in the air? Did you perhaps wonder when church got so damn exciting? If so, you’re probably a nerd who doesn’t watch sports. This means you probably didn’t know the Super Bowl is happening this Sunday. A friend of mine called the Super Bowl a “football contest” today. I’m pretty sure he didn’t get the theme.

In other words, yes: Frito-Lay is trying to convince you that, instead of making (or ordering) real hot wings, chili cheese dip, and pizza for your big Super Bowl party, you should just lay out three big bowls full of these chips. Don’t take it from me, they pretty much lay it out like that in the blog: “The crunch of Ruffles Original with the bold, hearty flavors of chili cheese and hot wings. Who needs a meal when you’ve got these to snack on?”

I NEED A MEAL. If I were to go to someone’s Super Bowl party and see nothing but Ruffles laid out on the coffee table, I would overturn the table in a fit of rage, break a bottle of beer over it, and stab the party host in the face. Motherfucker trying to just feed me chips. I bet the beer is non-alcoholic, too. Bitch be trippin’.

Leaving behind any talk of food/chip substitutions and physical assault, let’s just see how they taste.

Loaded Chili and Cheese

After looking at the back of the bag, I now see what they mean by loaded: “You know that dream where all your favorite food is piled high and ready to go? It’s not a dream. It’s Ruffles Loaded Chili & Cheese Flavor. Chili? Check. Cheese? Heck yeah. Onions and peppers. Bingo. Now put all that on a chip. Pinch yourself, you’re really awake. Okay, now hit yourself. Oh well, it was worth a shot.”

I want to find the person that wrote this little gem. I’ve seen some pretty out there back-of-bag descriptions, but this one is just plain funny. First of all, I don’t think I’ve ever had that dream. And if I did have that dream, it would look more like a steak smothered in onion dip, artichoke dip, pesto and cheese sauce, bangers and mash, all topped off with a pickle. Somehow that doesn’t sound too appetizing.

By the way, I punched myself in the face after I finished reading the bag. I always obey the bag.

Unsurprisingly, Loaded Chili & Cheese Ruffles taste a hell of a lot like Chili Cheese Fritos. Heck, they probably just used the same flavor powder with some minor modifications. But you know what? I don’t care. I love Chili Cheese Fritos and I love Chili Cheese Ruffles. They don’t taste exactly the same, since Ruffles are potato chips and Fritos are corn chips, but it works either way.

If you’ve never had Chili Cheese Fritos before, let me explain the Ruffles for you. They basically taste like chili powder mixed with cheese powder. There’s also a little onion and garlic flavors thrown in there, too. The Ruffles do have some different ingredients than the Fritos, which results in a larger depth of flavor, particularly in the onion region. I couldn’t really taste any peppers, but that’s okay. I don’t really consider peppers to be a standard in chili cheese dip, but maybe that’s just me.

Loaded Chili & Cheese Ruffles get a thumbs up in my book. The chili flavor is pretty aggressive, which may not appeal to some pussies people, but I found it to be just right.

Molten Hot Wings

Let’s check out what kind of crazy is on the back of this bag! “You. Your buds. The game… What’s missing? One word, “Wings.” Dripping with sauce and ready to wash down with your favorite beverage(s). Wait, it gets better. It’s Ruffles Molten Hot Wings Flavor and it’s all on a chip. So now what’s missing? Two words, ‘personal cheerleaders.’ Dream big, chief.”

First of all, you’re not doing a very good job of selling these chips as a replacement for hot wings. “What’s missing? Meaty chicken wings covered in delicious sauce. You know what’s better? Eating potato chips.” Not exactly the same experience.  Most guys would choose meat over potato chips.

Speaking of guys, what kind of sexist fuck wrote this blurb? Personal cheerleaders? “Chief”? Don’t call me chief. I am a motherfucking lady, you punk-ass little bitch. How dare you assume that only guys are going to eat Molten Hot Wings? My outrage is palpable.

I wouldn’t mind some hot personal cheerleaders, however. The more vapid, the better! Honey I ain’t paying you to talk, I’m paying you to cheer me on every time I finish another beer. Or someone makes a touchdown or something. Whatever.

Given the picture on the bag and the whole “molten” angle, I expected these chips to be fire engine red. Not so much. Don’t be deceived, however; these chips pack a surprising punch. They’re pretty fierce, but in a buffalo sauce sort of way more than say, a jalapeño spicy sort of way. My mouth puckered. That signature vinegar component of buffalo sauce is definitely there.

There was an underlying flavor that I had trouble identifying, until it finally hit me: chicken. Son of a- I’M TIRED OF BEING AMBUSHED BY MEAT-FLAVORED CHIPS! DAMN YOU AND YOUR FLAVOR SORCERY, FRITO-LAY!

Honestly though, once I got done shaking my fist in the air and yelling at a snack food manufacturer while standing alone in the middle of my kitchen, I gave them a second try and really didn’t find the chicken undertone all that bad. I would say it’s the least disturbing of all the meat-flavored chips I’ve tried. Molten Hot Wings Ruffles would hit it off pretty well with some ranch dip. While not exactly molten, they do pack some heat, and I’ll forgive Ruffles just for using the word “molten”. I’m a big fan of creative adjectives in snack foods. And it sure as hell beats “XTREME”.

I’m glad to see Ruffles getting more flavors. Fortunately, I actually enjoyed both Loaded Chili & Cheese and Molten Hot Wings, even though the former seems to just be a slightly different iteration of Chili Cheese Fritos and the latter has an undertone of…chicken. I’d still cut a bitch if I went to a Super Bowl party and all they had was Ruffles, but the cuts would require less stitches. I’d even leave some chips for them after they got back from the hospital.

(Note: Brand Eating also reviewed Ruffles Loaded Chili & Cheese Potato Chips and The Impulsive Buy reviewed both of them.)

Ruffle Loaded Chili & Cheese Potato Chips

  • Score: 4 out of 5 sexy food dreams
  • Price: $0.99
  • Size: 1 7/8 oz. bag
  • Purchased at: Fry’s Foods
  • Nutritional Quirks: Contains red and green bell pepper powder, even though I couldn’t taste it. I’ve never seen bell pepper powder before. More Frito-Lay sorcery!

Ruffles Molten Hot Wings Potato Chips

  • Score: 3.5 out of 5 personal cheerleaders
  • Price: $0.99
  • Size: 1 7/8 oz. bag
  • Purchased at: Fry’s Foods
  • Nutritional Quirks: Contains chicken fat, chicken broth and chicken powder. Chicken powder sounds ominous, but is probably just bullion. I’m a little disturbed that my potato chips have chicken fat in them, though.
Fast Food

Burger King Jalapeño & Cheddar BK Stuffed Steakhouse Burger

4 Comments

The Internet is mildly abuzz about Burger King’s Jalapeño & Cheddar BK Stuffed Steakhouse burger. It’s the first “wacky” fast food item to debut in 2011. I’ll let Burger King’s official press release explain. Imagine The King staring at you from outside your window while you read it. Don’t imagine him saying it though; The King does not talk. Little known fact: this is because The King got involved with some very shady characters a while back, and he saw too much. He paid the price; he’ll never squeal again. I should probably not explain any further. I’ve already said too much.

Anyway, press release. “This premium sandwich packs a flavorful punch of robust ingredients with bits of jalapeño peppers and Cheddar cheese inside the juicy flame-broiled burger that’s topped off with creamy poblano sauce, ripe tomatoes and crisp lettuce on a premium bakery bun.”

I don’t really understand all the hubbub. Oh my god, they put what would usually go on top of the burger inside the burger! They must be crazy! My husband has been doing that for years. Garlic, chipotle, onions, you name it. Right in the raw ground beef, then right into the pan. How is this strange or overindulgent? Have I finally lost my grasp on the last shred of understanding how normal people see food? It’s a very real possibility.

I do like one other tidbit from the press release. According to Jonathan Muhtar, vice president, global product marketing and innovation, Burger King Corp, “With our first ever stuffed sandwich, we’re giving our guests what they want – juicy 100-percent beef infused with jalapeños and Cheddar for an experience you can see and taste in every bite.”

I like to imagine hundreds – nay, thousands – of angry emails coming in from faithful Burger King lovers, demanding that BK start shoving shit into their meat patties. Vehemence. Violent threats. Back against the wall, Mr. Muhtar had no choice. This is where all of his global product marketing and innovation were going to be put to the test. It was go time.

Jalapeños and cheddar are pretty pedestrian items when it comes to violating a meat patty, but I’m intrigued by the “creamy poblano sauce”. The poblano pepper is generally a very mild pepper. It’s the pepper vessel used in the dish chile relleno, if that gives you any further context. I’m curious as to why this particular pepper was chosen to be incorporated into a sauce. I guess the only way to find out is to eat the thing.

My first impression of the Burger King Jalapeño & Cheddar BK Stuffed Steakhouse burger (do we really need the BK? It’s a long enough product title and I’m pretty sure I know where I got it from, I’m not Sammy Jenkins) was that it has a nice heft and is quite large. Large enough that my petite mouth could barely take a solid bite. Imagine one of those sexy Carl’s Jr. commercials with Kim Kardashian messily eating a burger, except replace her with some dumb food blogger wearing an oversized Newcastle Brown Ale shirt with no pants on watching the awful reality tv show of your choosing. Ladies eating giant burgers aren’t always sexy. Trust me.

The lettuce was not the best, but that’s to be expected from a fast food joint. All those white pieces did add a nice crunch, though. The tomatoes tasted fresh. The bun, described as “premium”, was a little different than your usual stepped-on-looking bun. It was nice and fluffy, and was topped with corn flour instead of your typical sesame seeds.

Of course, the important part was the patty. As you can see, there are visible bits of jalapeño and cheddar embedded in the burger, as advertised. After eating a few bites, I was already appreciating the heat of the jalapeño. Fast food joints tend to play up the spiciness of their food, but this burger had legit heat. By the time I finished, my nose was running a little. That’s the sign of some legitimate capsacin in the house.

While the heat was a surprising and welcome addition, I found the star of the show was really the creamy poblano sauce. I’ll admit, I struggled to find any true poblano flavor. But nonetheless, that sauce was delicious and plentiful. It seemed more like a southwest mayo, but with a little something I couldn’t quite place. I hate it when there’s that little touch of flavor that I just can’t nail down. The sauce wasn’t really spicy, but it had lots of flavor that played really well with the heat from the jalapeño chunks.

What was sadly missing from this otherwise tasty group of ingredients was the cheese. I really tried to taste the cheddar, but I just couldn’t find it in there. Maybe there was a subtle creaminess of cheese, but not really any cheese flavor. Heck, the creaminess could have come from the sauce, for all I know.

The Burger King Jalapeño & Cheddar BK Stuffed Steakhouse Burger isn’t that wacky, but it is a quality burger. The runny nose effect shows that it has a good amount of heat. I loved the poblano sauce too, even though I was mystified as to what was making it taste so good. The lettuce was weak and I had a hard time getting any cheddar flavor, which was the most disappointing part. But even without the cheese, this stuffed burger is spicy and tasty. It’s available for a limited time only, but hopefully it will be successful enough to inspire more Stuffed Steakhouse burgers. I know from personal experience that chipotles and sriracha sauce both make good stuffings. Just a tip, in case The King is reading this. Stay clean, man, you don’t want to lose any more body parts.

(Note: The Impulsive Buy, GrubGrade, An Immovable Feast and Me So Hungry have also reviewed this burger.  J & C BK Stuffed Steakhouse is the belle of the ball!)

  • Score: 4 out of 5 eerily silent Kings
  • Price: $3.99
  • Size: 1 burger
  • Purchased at: Burger King #17145
  • Nutritional Quirks: There doesn’t seem to be any nutritional information available from BK for this burger, but I’m dying to know what’s in the creamy poblano sauce. Maybe the secret ingredient is magic!

(Edit: Thanks to The Impulsive Buy and Burger King’s PR department, I now know that this burger has a surprisingly low 590 calories, but you can take heart in the 34 grams of total fat which includes 12 grams of saturated and 2 grams of trans.  Also enjoy your 1,240 milligrams of sodium!)

Junk Food

Limited Edition Ghirardelli Chocolate Squares Holiday Chocolate Assortment

5 Comments

Aaaand we’re back. Just in time, too, since I have a holiday-sensitive item to review today.

I found this package of Limited Edition Ghirardelli Chocolate Squares Holiday Chocolate Assortment at a Borders book store while waiting for a cashier to appear so that I could pay for a birthday present. I guess they’ve got a solid business model going – make someone wait ten minutes to pay for a dying form of media, and eventually they’ll grab an impulse buy. Good job, Borders – literature may be dead, but chocolate and coffee bars will live on forever.

It helped that the package was shiny and full of holiday cheer, with red and gold and snowflakes and ornaments and promises of chocolates that taste like eggnog. I’m not a huge fan of chocolate, but Ghirardelli makes some tasty sweets.

They make some heavy promises on the back of the package: “This season, take time to slow down and feel yourself melt with each bite. Savor the complex symphony of intense velvety chocolate combined with delicious seasonal favorites – festive peppermint, creamy eggnog, and rich chocolate pecan pie. Let the rich flavors surround your senses. Enjoy as the chocolate pleasure lingers.”

I feel like I just had sex with the back of a pack of chocolates. Goddamn, son. Money well spent on whatever marketing team Ghirardelli paid to come up with that description of their chocolate. I’m sure millions have been spent on the study of how people react to words that are bolded. Apparently I need to slow down and melt while experiencing intense chocolate that surrounds my senses. That all seems kind of contradictory. Nothing left to do but see if these chocolates will make me…quietly orgasm, or something.

Eggnog

I had a minor autistic freakout when I pulled these out of the bag, because the front just said “Limited Edition Chocolate”. I thought I had been ripped off. Fortunately, it did indicate on the back that these were, indeed, Eggnog. I don’t know why this one said it on the back while the other two proclaim their flavors on the front, but whatever. Eggnog was the flavor I was most looking forward to, so I was glad that they were there.

Unfortunately, my renewed excitement quickly faded away when I actually tried the chocolate. I couldn’t find any eggnog flavor anywhere. No nutmeg, no cinnamon, no distinctive eggnog taste. The chocolate was creamy, but that’s what I’d expect from any Ghirardelli product. In fact, if it hadn’t said Eggnog on the back of the wrapper, I would have thought it was white chocolate, but even a little more muted than regular white chocolate. I would have never guessed that it was supposed to be eggnog.

Saddened that I had been robbed of the experience of tasting delicious eggnog chocolate, I moved on.

Pecan Pie

Ghirardelli actually did a pretty good job of making a chocolate that tasted like pecan pie. The pecans were plentiful and added a nice crunch. It’s sort of like a Mr. Goodbar on steroids – the chocolate is smooth and tasty, the pecans tasted delicious, and the chocolate had a very prominent taste and aroma of what seemed like a mixture of toffee, molasses, and maybe even some bourbon.  Mmmm, chocolate booze.

I have to say, the Pecan Pie square was one of the most complex chocolates I’ve ever had. The depth of flavor is really quality and everything plays together well. Nothing gets overwhelmed. The delicious milk chocolate, the pecans, the complex mixture of flavors that make up pecan pie filling, they were all perfectly married into that one chocolate square. While I was expecting to love the Eggnog and go “eh” at Pecan Pie, quite the opposite has occurred. I don’t crave chocolate often, but this would be one of my top picks to reach for if I was in the mood for chocolate. Good job, Ghirardelli.

Peppermint Bark

This is definitely the most Christmasy of the three candies. When you open the wrapper, you’re hit with that strong candy cane peppermint smell that screams presents and blinky lights and ornaments. It looks fun, too. The little pink flecks let you know that there’s really candy canes inside! My inner child hops up and down.

What I wasn’t expecting, but was a pleasant surprise, is that Peppermint Bark has a milk chocolate base. Let’s face it, it’s hard not to nail mint and chocolate. They go together like buffalo wings and ranch sauce. I think Ghirardelli steps it up with the crushed candy canes inside, though. They add a fun crunch and intensify the peppermint flavor. Peppermint Bark tastes a lot like an upgraded version of Andes Crème de Menthe chocolates – you know, the ones with the green stuff sandwiched in between two layers of chocolate. But Ghirardelli’s chocolate is of a higher quality and the peppermint is more intense and tastes more like real candy cane than just simulated mint. I realize that candy canes themselves are made out of artificial mint flavoring, but it’s…different. It’s candy cane!

Well, two out of three ain’t bad. I’m sad that I didn’t get to taste eggnog in chocolate form, but the Pecan Pie really surprised me and the Peppermint Bark was nothing but Christmas fun. I would put these out beside the homemade chocolate chip cookies and the bowl of red-and-green M&Ms. I’d just cross the “Eggnog” off the wrappers and write “Snowflake” or something instead. Then people would just think it was white chocolate and not be all disappointed like I was. Snowflakes and white chocolate don’t really have anything to do with each other, but that’s okay. It’s keeping with the Christmas theme. Limited Edition Ghirardelli Chocolate Squares Holiday Chocolate Assortment are a solid addition to your holiday festivities.

Oh, and by the way – Merry Christmas!

Limited Edition Ghirardelli Chocolate Squares Holiday Chocolate Assortment

  • Eggnog Score: 2 out of 5 disappointed elves
  • Pecan Pie Score: 4.5 out of 5 happy chocolate-loving reindeer
  • Peppermint Bark Score: 4 out of 5 minty fresh snowmen
  • Price: $8.99
  • Size: 7.03 oz. bag
  • Purchased at: Borders Books and Music #0069
  • Nutritional Quirks: Contains corn flakes.  Wait, what?
Junk Food

Herr’s Baby Back Ribs Potato Chips

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Today’s little gem comes from a young lady in Indiana. I’m not sure if she loves me or hates me, based on this “gift” she shipped to my mailbox. Herr’s doesn’t distribute in my neck of the woods, so I never would have had the chance to…experience these chips without outside help. I wouldn’t have even known they existed. According to my source, she spotted these in the vending machine at her work, and thought I might “enjoy” them. First of all, I want to see where someone works when they have Baby Back Ribs potato chips in their vending machines. Out of all the places I’ve worked, I’ve never seen anything that interesting in a vending machine. I’d be lucky to spot some Chili Cheese Fritos or Sour Cream and Cheddar Ruffles. Most of the rest was all blandsville, all the time. I probably would have had an autistic freakout if I’d ever seen Baby Back Ribs in a machine. My fingers wouldn’t have been able to fumble a dollar bill into the slot fast enough.

As if the flavor itself wasn’t enough, look at that package! Crazy font! Barbeque sauce splurts everywhere! Wait, that doesn’t look like barbeque sauce, that looks like…BLOOD! And what’s this now…

Finger Lickin’ Rib Flavor Apron! As my friend/chip donor commented, this is quickly turning from an innocent little bag of chips into some sort of serial killer crime scene. I imagine Dexter Morgan putting up plastic tarp all around a dark shack in the middle of nowhere, wearing this apron as he does his dirty work. Blood spatters everywhere as he hacks up his latest victim. Those ribs on the package look sort of ominous, too. More sickly than inviting. If Dexter were a cannibal, I think he’d be disappointed with this rack of human.

My cat and I have differing levels of desire to eat these chips.

After my last adventure with things that should not be meat, in addition to my previous experience with rib chips, I’m more than a little trepidatious about Herr’s Baby Back Rib Potato Chips. But, there’s nothing left to do but dive in. Let’s see if I need to take a little trip east to visit my friend, armed with an apron, a butcher knife, and a copy of How to Serve Man.

Upon opening the bag, the smell is encouraging. And by that I mean, it doesn’t smell at all like an animal died and was sealed in a foil pouch. It smells mostly like pretty much any other barbecue-flavored chip on the market. The chips are ridged, a little less tightly than Ruffles, with a light coating of red flavor powder. I noticed that these seem to be much less intensely powdered than a typical Frito-Lay chip.

I took a quick break (one might call it a stalling mechanism, but hey) to visit Herr’s website. From the looks of it, all, or at least most, of Herr’s chips are ridged. That’s a boring fact. Here’s a less boring fact: Herr’s is just as awesomely batshit with their flavors as Frito-Lay is. Creamy Dill Pickle! (Really? Creamy dill pickle?) Kansas City Prime Steak! Old Bay! An entire line of “Snack Friez”! That’s it, I’m moving to Indiana. I’m uprooting my entire life to move somewhere that sells Herr’s potato chips. The actions of a responsible adult, to be sure.

While I’d love to get my greasy little hands on all those flavors, what I have in my possession are Baby Back Rib potato chips. Which, oddly, are not listed on Herr’s website as a flavor they produce. The logical conclusion is that my friend has a magical vending machine at her work that is producing its own flavors of Herr’s chips. More updates as events warrant.

Enough stalling, let’s eat these chips.

I have to say, I can’t decide if I’m disappointed or relieved that I could not detect any creepy meat flavor in these chips. A little bit of both? I guess Herr’s hasn’t discovered whatever dark secret Doritos has that has given them the ability to make chips taste like meat. That said, Herr’s Baby Back Ribs didn’t exactly taste like a typical barbeque chip, either. They did have properties of a typical barbeque chip, including that little bit of sweetness they all seem to have, but they also had an extra depth of flavor. They seemed a little more smoky than your typical BBQ chip, and they also had a garlicky undertone that was quite tasty. They were also super salty, which I loved. The chips themselves were the perfect thickness and texture.

What started as dread quickly turned into enjoyment while I was eating Herr’s Baby Back Ribs Potato Chips. While Herr’s failed to actually make their chips taste like ribs, they totally succeeded in creating a barbecue-flavored chip that stands out in a world already stuffed with chips of that flavor. The smokey undertone, the garlic, the extra salt and the texture of the chip all worked together to make this one of the best BBQ chips I’ve had so far. If you’re going have a cartoon apron telling the world your chips taste like ribs, and they actually don’t, that’s a marketing fail. That said, the taste of these chips is a total win. I guess my serial killing spree through Indiana will have to wait.

  • Score: 4 out of 5 bloody aprons
  • Price: Free, or probably about 75 cents from your local vending machine that makes its own flavors
  • Size: 1 oz. bag
  • Purchased at: My mailbox via someone’s work vending machine
  • Nutritional Quirks: The first ingredient listed is “choice” potatoes. To think of all the un-choice potato chips I’ve eaten…