The “lettuce” pun was Wendy’s, not mine, and I can’t decide if I wish I’d thought of it. They also use the phrase “unbe-leaf-ably tasty”. I’m proud of you, Wendy’s marketing team.

Anyways! Wendy’s has two new salads involving chicken, but that’s pretty much where the similarities end.

The new Asian Cashew Chicken Salad includes garlic-and-onion-dusted cashews, fire-roasted edamame, red peppers, sliced cucumbers, eleven different field greens (resisting the urge to make a Soviet time zone joke here) and “a Light Spicy Asian Chili Vinaigrette made with chili garlic sauce, roasted peanuts, soy sauce, lime juice and brown sugar”. That’s…a lot of ingredients!

The BBQ Ranch Chicken Salad features fire-roasted corn, diced tomatoes, Applewood-smoked bacon, shredded cheddar cheese, the same ridiculous amount of field greens as the Asian Cashew, all drizzed with honey barbecue sauce.

You may be wondering where the ranch comes into play. Well, in addition to the honey barbecue sauce, this salad also comes with BBQ Ranch dressing, “made with real buttermilk, parmesan cheese, ancho chili pepper, honey and brown sugar”.

The Asian Cashew Chicken Salad goes for $5.99 full-size and $3.99 half-size. The BBQ Ranch Chicken Salad is $6.19 full-size and $4.19 half-size. Prices may vary depending on location.

When I think Wendy’s, I don’t exactly think fancypants. But their new Berry Almond Chicken Salad sounds fancypants as hell. From Wendy’s website:

“Picture fresh berries—plump, tangy blueberries and succulent, sliced, California strawberries—resting on a bed of freshly-chopped romaine and iceberg lettuce, which is tossed with a brightly colored spring mix boasting exotic-sounding greens, like Lolla Rossa and Tango. Surrounding the berries are California almonds roasted with sea salt, shaved natural Asiago cheese and a warm grilled chicken breast.”

Fresh berries? Almonds roasted with sea salt? Shaved Asiago? A bunch of green stuff I’ve never even heard of?! Who thought the day would come when a fast food company introduces me to new foods. Surely, it is the end of days.

I have to give it to Wendy’s though. They went balls to the wall on lavishness, and you can tell they know it, giving a little wink and a nod with the phrase, “boasting exotic-sounding greens”. I would have loved to be in that brainstorm meeting.

“Hey, let’s put chipotle on yet another menu item!”

“Fuck that, let’s blow everyone’s minds. Two words: Lolla Rossa.”

Available in Full Size and Half-Size portions, the former has 450 calories and 16 grams of fat, and the latter contains 270 calories and 12 grams of fat.

Couldn’t find any pricing info, but I’m guessing it will probably be outrageously expensive. Dusting of gold flakes will cost extra. I could call my local Wendy’s, but I prefer to think a fast food joint is selling a fancy-schmancy salad for $15.

The Berry Almond Chicken Salad is only available until summer ends, so go out there and get it. Let me know what Tango tastes like!