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Junk Food

Zombie Skittles

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“Our fans love SKITTLES® not just for its delicious fruity flavors, but for the irreverence and sense of humor for which the brand is known.”

That quote comes from Skittles’ Senior Brand Manager Rebecca Duke, and while I won’t place all the blame on her for every awful Skittles commercial I’ve seen in the last ten years, her statement does make it seem like she was complicit. Examples of their irreverence and sense of humor include but are not limited to:

  • Pretending their candy is a communicable disease
  • Showing an adult man with an umbilical cord coming out of his stomach who can taste the flavors of the Skittles his mother is eating (she is seated on the couch next to him and the other end of the cord disappears between her legs)
  • The absolutely haunted man who is cursed to have everything he touches turn to Skittles (this one is actually great)
  • Using torture methods to get a rainbow to give up its Skittles
  • Hiring Steven Tyler, the worst crime of all

Skittles doesn’t seem too into making specific flavor-themed commercials, so it’s unlikely you’ll be seeing a bunch of decomposing corpses humping until they all cum in an explosion of gore-themed candies. Irreverent!

The premise: All the Skittles look the same, most are “normal” flavored, but some taste like rotten zombie. It’s similar to the Harry Potter beans, if one must insist on such a comparison, as did every single person to whom I explained Zombie Skittles.

The difference, of course, is that you’re playing Russian roulette instead of knowing which candy will be gross. Here we come upon the fundamental problem with Zombie Skittles: you’ve already got one foot in the grave. There’s no way to enjoy these candies, because you’re constantly dreading getting a rotten one.

As for the zombie taste, I’m happy to report that it isn’t that bad. Jones Bacon Soda tasted way more zombie-like than this. There’s no taste of decomposing flesh; instead, it’s an odd savory flavor that will catch your attention immediately, but probably won’t cause you to spit it out.

It’s not really meat-like in flavor, just a generic sort of anti-candy “blech”. I was able to power through it and the taste faded quickly afterwards with no lingering. I could say worse of other foods I’ve tried.

Here’s the thing about Zombie Skittles: they’re not for me, and they’re not for you, either. They’re for friends, enemies, co-workers, and Trick or Treaters. Nobody (except psychopaths) is gonna sit down and eat beyond one zombie-flavored Skittle. (I got one on my fourth try.)

Nobody’s here for the non-zombie flavors, either They’re just what you’d expect, anyways, and I wouldn’t be surprised to learn that they’re all retreads with new names, but I’m too lazy to look it up.

These aren’t meant to be fun for one; they’re meant to be used as drinking game devices and playground dares; used to torture and also delight the children that ring your door on October 31st. They’re fun! Halloween is fun!

Speaking of fun, I tried to make a cool zombie claw out of Skittles, but it didn’t work so I just freehanded a skull. I like him and his little crooked smile. My gentle skelly boy.

Zombie Skittles

  • Score: 4 out of 5 candy-cumming zombies
  • Price: $2.28
  • Size: 10.72 oz. bag
  • Purchased at: walmart.com
  • Nutritional Quirk: I’d love to know how the zombie flavor was decided upon. It’s such an uncommon, hard-to-place taste, and the process getting there seems fascinating.
Junk Food

Skittles Orchards

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Skittles Orchards BagI’m taking liberties in calling Skittles Orchards “new”, but they’re still the newest Skittles, so I’m okay with that. I was actually aware of (and excited for) these when they came out, but then something distracted me, probably something important like a slow-motion video of a dog failing at catching food, and time got away from me.

But now here we are! Not only with a bag of Skittles Orchards, but with a Very Important Topic that I’ve been wanting to discuss for a long time.

Lime Skittles.

If you’ve read this site for any amount of time, I’m sure you can smell a rant coming, and your cybernose would be correct. Shit’s about to get real.

You see, in early 2013 and with understandably no fanfare, Lime was ousted in favor of Green Apple in every bag of Original Skittles. No big deal, right? WRONG. YOU ARE SO WRONG. And if you don’t believe me, look at the over 200 (and still rising) comments posted on Candy Blog’s coverage of the change.

I’m going to take a controversial stance here: green apple sucks. Lime is awesome. And this replacement isn’t isolated to Skittles; it seems like green apple is the go-to for green candy and lime has just been thrown aside like common trash. Lime is the Jon Snow of candy flavors, and, much like that Watcher’s fate, everyone knows it’s totally unfair. Unfortunately, unlike Jon Snow, I don’t see redemption in Lime’s storyline. Spoiler?

Skittles did throw Lime a bone, however – in what can in no way be a coincidence, Darkside Skittles came out at almost the exact same time Lime disappeared, and Darkside includes the mysteriously-monikered Midnight Lime. Which is exactly like regular Lime, except you can no longer mash it together with it’s friend Lemon unless you buy a bag of Original to do so.

So, yeah. You could say I have strong feelings about Lime Skittles.

What does any of this have to do with Skittles Orchards, you ask? While I would feel perfectly justified in saying “Nothing at all, I just needed to get that off my chest,” Skittles Orchard also includes Lime! Spoilers?

Skittles Orchards Flavors

I’m happy to report that all the fruit flavors represented in Orchards do, indeed, actually grow in orchards. I know this sounds like a simple point to get right, but you never know when it comes to snack foods.

If you grew up in SoCal, like I did, you automatically know that oranges grow in orchards because your grandparents loved to point out exactly which part of your home city used to be one. At length.

If you married someone from the East Coast, like I did, you know red apples grow in orchards because you get to hear about family outings to go pick apples. At length.

If you majored in English in college, like I did, you know that cherries grow in orchards because you had to read The Cherry Orchard by Anton Chekhov and then write about it. At length.

If you live in Georgia…well, I’ve never lived in Georgia, but I’m sure anyone who does is intimately familiar with their orchards.

As for lime, well, I drew conclusions based on my citrusy upbringing. I’m actually convinced that Lime was included in Orchards solely due to the outcry of Skittles lovers everywhere who were just outraged about the Green Apple change. I also assume they purposefully dodged that bullet again by making the Apple flavor Red.

Skittles Orchards

Lime: It seemed like Orchards Lime was a little darker-colored than Original Lime, but that old flavor was definitely there. Juicy and a little tart. I missed you, Lime!

Red Apple: I was looking forward to this, as it’s an interesting new flavor to include, albeit a perfect fit for Orchards. I’m pleased to report that Red Apple has almost nothing in common with its Green Apple kin. It was not at all candy-like, like Green, and had an earthy apple flavor that was actually a little bitter and not very sweet. It’s a strange flavor for a candy, but it’s definitely unique.

Orange: I feel like this was a more aggressive orange flavor than the one in Original, but I’m pretty positive my mind was just playing tricks on me. I mean, c’mon, it’s Orange.

Cherry: Unlike what the back of the bag would leave you to believe, Cherry and Red Apple were remarkably similar in color. Unless you’re eating your Skittles in good lighting, chances are you’re going to get them confused. Sorry, moviegoers. Minus the surprise of getting Red Apple in with your Cherry, there was nothing new here. Bright, juicy cherry flavor, mercifully with only a hint of that cough medicine taste I hate so much.

Peach: I’ve never been a fan of peach-flavored candy, and Skittles did nothing to change my mind here. That said, in the name of objectivity, the peach flavor was bold and juicy, so if you’re a fan of peach candy, Peach Orchards will do you just fine.

Skittles Orchards is a perfectly fine bag of candy, but there’s not much new under the sun here. Orange was obviously straight out of the Original vat. Lime is lime, which, yay, but that’s already present in Darkside’s Midnight Lime. It’s been a while since I’ve had a bag of Wild Berry Skittles, but I’m pretty sure Cherry is just Wild Cherry from there.

I was going to say that Peach is already in Skittles Desserts, but a quick search tells me that I’m wrong. So, okay, two out of the five flavors are unique. Given the glut of candies out there, that’s not too bad.

Even though I don’t like peach flavoring, Peach really popped. Anyone who likes that flavor will like this Skittle. As for Red Apple, I have mixed feelings. It’s a very unique flavor, but I’m not sure it belongs in a bag of Skittles. I just don’t think it’s sweet enough for most candy lovers and feels out of place, even though it’s thematically correct. Plus, why so close in color to Cherry?

I’m always happy to see a new Skittles flavor hit the shelves, so I really don’t have too many gripes against Skittles Orchards. It’s a cute idea and it has Lime in it, and I feel like Peach is a flavor that should already exist in Skittles form. That said, Red Apple is a misstep and the other flavors are recycled, so I think I’ll stick with my Darksides.

Skittles Orchards

  • Score: 3 out of 5 LIME LIME LIME LIME
  • Price: $2.49
  • Size: 14 oz. bag
  • Purchased at: Target
  • Nutritional Quirk: Lime.
Junk Food

Darkside Skittles

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Darkside Skittles BagDarkside Skittles. Where to begin?

First of all, this is the most entertaining junk food packaging/concept I’ve seen in a long time. “The Other Side of the Rainbow”. What does that mean? I’ve never seen the other side of a rainbow, apparently. Or have I? Which side is the “other” side? I should really consult a leprechaun.

I’m pretty sure this is the “darkest”, for lack of a better word, candy concept I’ve ever seen, tie-ins to things like Disney villains notwithstanding. The dark blue packaging. The confusing yet ominous tagline. Even the flavors themselves, which I’ll get to in a moment.

There’s very little information about Darkside Skittles on the Internet, which I’m almost glad for, because it means that I can make up what kind of marketing Skittles was aiming for. I think I’ve actually figured it out, and it’s brilliant.

Darkside Skittles are the first ever commercial anti-Valentine’s Day candy.

Darkside Skittles Bag Broken Heart

I mean, just look at this heart, right on the package. It’s got an arrow through it, and the heart is broken.

The concept of Darkside Skittles is dark. The packaging is dark. The flavors are dark.

This is a candy meant for people who hate Valentine’s Day.

We all know someone who hates Valentine’s Day. Maybe they’re single; maybe they’ve had a nasty divorce or have had a string of bad relationships. Maybe they like to spout the usual rhetoric of Valentine’s Day being a holiday designed by Hallmark and Big Flowers and Candy. Maybe it’s you. Any way you slice it, there’s a large population of anti-V-Day people out there.

And Darkside Skittles are for them.

Or vampires. I can’t decide.

Darkside Skittles Bag Flavors

Let’s take a look at these flavors, which range from theme-appropriate to somewhat confusing to “what does that even mean?”

Darkside Skittles

Dark Berry: I’d file this one under “somewhat confusing”. There are many berries out there that are dark. Which one are you, Dark Berry? Are you blackberry? Blueberry? Boysenberry? Going with blackberry would have been perfect for the theme of these candies. Opportunity missed.

As it is, Dark Berry Skittles closely resemble “Berry Punch” from Wild Berry Skittles. I haven’t had Wild Berry Skittles in a while, but going from memory, they also seemed to be much alike in flavor. I wouldn’t be surprised if Skittles just poached them wholesale.

Dark Berry Skittles were true to their moniker, in that they were definitely berry-flavored but they don’t have a specific berry taste. It was kind of just…berry. Not unusual for a candy, but once I zoned on on the blackberry, it just made me more disappointed, even though I enjoyed the flavor.

Pomegranate: Well, at least this one has a straightforward name. Pomegranate has enjoyed some fad popularity of late, but it seems like an appropriate flavor for Darkside Skittles, as the arils (fancy name for seed coating; haha you just accidentally learned something) of the pomegranate are a deep, dark red. So is the juice, resembling very watery blood, which makes it a perfect choice for the Darkside.

The color of Pomegranate Skittles got pretty close to the real thing, but unlike pomegranate juice, dropping a Skittle on your shirt will not stain it forever, which is a plus. It was also the strongest flavor out of all the Darksides. It was very tart, as is real pomegranate, and actually did a pretty good job of capturing the flavor of the fruit. It lacked the depth of the real thing, but it’s also a bite-sized candy, so just coming close was a pretty good success.

Forbidden Fruit: I love the name, but had no idea what it represented until I ate one and rediscovered Original Sin. Whoops. Sorry, guys. I know, I know – a damn woman ruins things all over again. Figures.

Apparently, the fruit from the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil is darkish blue in hue, and tastes a lot like tropical punch. There was a definite melon flavor, complimented by what could have been a light berry flavor. Honestly, it was kind of hard to pin down, but it was tasty nonetheless. I guess when you’re the candy that got Adam and Eve kicked out of Eden, you’re allowed to be mysterious.

Midnight Lime: Here we come to the “what does it mean?” portion of Darkside Skittles. What the fuck is a Midnight Lime? Do they taste better at midnight? Oooo, do they turn pumpkin-flavored at midnight? Now that would be impressive.

Unfortunately, I’m old and am usually in bed by midnight, so I’ll never know. What I do know is that, at any time other than midnight, Midnight Lime tastes like…lime. Lime Skittles.

Darkside Skittles Midnight Lime Comparison

I just happened to have a bag of regular Skittles around, so I did a comparison, and I found almost no difference in appearance or taste. Okay, Midnight Lime is a little bit darker, and it was actually a teensy less tart, but if I slipped a Midnight Lime into your bag of regular Skittles, I bet you’d never know it.

If anyone who doesn’t fall asleep at 9pm after drinking a warm glass of Metamucil wants to try eating them at midnight, let me know how that goes in the comments section.

Blood Orange: Like Pomegranate, this one goes out to the vampires, or the knife-wielding ex-girlfriends. Blood oranges are orange on the outside and deep scarlet on the inside, and the color of these Skittles seems to be a compromise between the two.

Real blood oranges taste almost exactly the same as navel oranges, but they add a little bit more tart with the sweetness and are 100% more likely to ruin your shirt than regular oranges.

Blood Orange Skittles did a good job at mimicking this, being just a bit more tart than regular orange Skittles. Sure, “orange” is not a flavor that screams darkness, but you add “blood” to that and you’ve instantly got a solid concept, which beats the pants off Midnight Lime.

Like I said in the intro, I love the design of Darkside Skittles and am firmly convinced they are anti-Valentine’s Day candy, an idea that just delights me. Some of the flavors, like Midnight Lime and Dark Berry, feel a little phoned in. Forbidden Fruit and Blood Orange are flavors that aren’t exactly mind-blowing, but their concepts make them solid. Pomegranate is the one truly unique flavor in Darkside Skittles, and it’s got a color made for the Other Side of the Rainbow. While it doesn’t duplicate its namesake exactly, it gets definite points for coming close.

I have no idea if Darkside Skittles are limited edition or not – if they truly are an anti-V-Day candy, you’ll be seeing them in the clearance aisle soon. If they’re just made for vampires and goth kids, I guess they’ll be sticking around for a while. Hey, even goth kids need a little candy. They can’t subsist on black clove cigarettes alone.

Darkside Skittles

  • Score: 3.5 out of 5 pats on the back for not making one Star Wars reference the entire revie- dammit!
  • Price: $2.69
  • Size: 10.5 oz. bag
  • Purchased at: Target
  • Nutritional Quirks: Serious points to Pomegranate Darkside Skittles for mimicking the fruit so closely with artificial flavors.

Candy Blog also crossed over to the Darkside.