Happy Halloween! What better way to celebrate than to tattoo your tongue?

Tung Toos are one of those things that are stuck in a display at the end of a random shopping aisle. They don’t get top billing in the Halloween aisle like pumpkin-shaped Snickers and 5000-count bags of Willy Wonka candy. Easy to overlook. But that’s what makes them special. And these are, indeed, special.

Tung Toos. Awesome name. Tung Toos. Awesome website. Seriously, I could spend hours just breaking down their website, but I’m kind of in a time crunch here, and there’s so much to get to!

As you may have guessed from the title, these are temporary tattoos…for your tongue! How is that not amazing. Kids seem to love sticking their tongues out, and now they can do it in Halloween style. As if that weren’t enough, they’re flavored! Man oh man. Let’s get right in there.

Tung Toos Halloween Temporary Tongue Tattoos Fun Pack

See, this is the spirit of Halloween. There’s no room for slick packaging in the world of obscure Halloween treats. This is Halloween vomiting all over a package, and doing it right.

Orange, black, green, purple, spider webs, a confused alien, a ghost who is either trying to lure me into his van or is about to catcall me…it’s all there, and it’s all great.

LOOK AT THESE TONGUE TATTOOS. LOOK AT THEM.

I was disappointed to get a “double” in my Fun Pack, but I used to be really into Pogs, so I’m familiar with the feeling. Let’s break this down, clockwise-style.

Happy Jack ‘o Lantern: This dude is super into being on your tongue. He also appears to be flying, and is filled with slime instead of a stupid tea candle. I have a particular fondness for his right eye, which kind of looks like a flame, but also resembles the work of someone who can’t carve in a straight line. I respect that.

Candy Corns: Boring, but a Halloween classic. Well, a Halloween classic with the wrong colors. Yellow tip whaaaaaaat? Tung Toos ain’t afraid to break from convention.

Bats, Yo: Bats. Bats good. Bats fun.

Opportunity for more flying Jack ‘O Lanterns

Crazy Pumpkin: This is a clinically insane pumpkin that has escaped from the pumpkin mental institution. He’s off his meds and off his rocker. Will he stab you, or sing you a song with incomprehensible lyrics? It’ll be a fun surprise!

Box…Monster…Guy: Okay, Box Monster Guy is definitely my favorite in the Fun Pack. Who is Box Monster? What is Box Monster? He appears to have vampire fangs, but then he’s also got a bottom fang, which is probably super useful when you’re shotgunning a beer. It’s not helping to keep his tongue in his mouth, however. Ooooo, a tongue tattoo of a tongue! That’s so meta.

Eye Totem/Poorly Constructed Cairn: I’ll be honest, I have absolutely no idea what is happening here. They seem sort of like eyes? The top and middle ones are looking at each other like they think they’re in the intro of The Brady Bunch. I have absolutely no guesses on the bottom ones. Boobs.

[Edit]: Most of you probably thought I was joking around about the Eye Totem thing. However, it took my husband rotating that particular tattoo 90 degrees for me to see that it obviously says “BOO”. I am the most unobservant person in the world. However, I like my version better, so I’m sticking with it. Besides, “boo” is just two letters short of “boobs”, so let’s just say I was on the right track.

Tung Toos Halloween Temporary Tongue Tattoos Scary Pack

Halloween is lots of fun, but Halloween is also supposed to be scary. Tung Toos knows this, and they’ve got you covered.

More Halloween vomit, and equally awesome: purple background scary trees evil oogie boogies and one smug-as-balls Frankenstein’s monster. I like to think he’s the ringleader, and all the other guys on the package are his minions. I’d be smug too, if I had a skull-and-crossbones doing my bidding.

Another double! Again, disappointing. I wonder if all the packs had doubles? I should have bought 50. Another smart move by Tung Toos. Anyone who has ever collected cards knows you gotta catch ’em all, and that means spending $500 just so you can get that ultra-rare foil card.

Well, I’ll have to make do with what I got. And what I got is pretty fabulous.

Some Kinda Zombie Dude: I love this guy. He’s obviously a zombie, but why are his brains exposed? Who cares, it rocks. I also like his facial expression. It’s less “I wanna eat you” and more “Are you seriously giving me this report at 4:30pm on a Friday?” I think that green thing hanging off his lower lip is supposed to be his tongue, but I prefer to imagine somebody ran up to him and draped a green gummy worm over his mouth. That’s why slow, stupid zombies are fun. You can totally fuck with them.

Cacklin’ Cracklin’ Alien: A classic alien, re-imagined with scary pointy teeth and really dry skin. Seriously, look at those cracks! Someone get this alien some moisturizer! He’ll probably eat you, but hey. No good deed and all that.

Evil Skull: Yep, he’s evil. And seems to be disintegrating around the edges, for some reason. But still evil.

Black Cat Missing Some Toes: Another Halloween classic, the pissed off black cat. A simple yet effective design.

Cyclops Monster Having a Really Bad Day: Again, no idea what this is supposed to be, but my favorite in the Scary Pack. I dunno what happened to this guy, but he obviously sustained a head injury, and I’m guessing he can’t afford medical insurance, since he apparently went to some sketchy back-alley Dr. Killjoy who wrapped his head but ignored the giant gaping wound on his cheek. He’s also ruptured some blood vessels in his eye. Take care of that eye, buddy. It’s the only one you’ve got.

Irresponsible Vampire Ghost: Tied for second place favorite with Some Kinda Zombie Dude, this Vampire Ghost obviously lives with his mom, and she’s sick of doing his laundry. He’s a total slob, letting his ghost sheet get all bloody and dingy like that. He also has that open-mouthed, cow-eyed stare that just screams “I live in my parents’ basement and don’t have time to look for a job because I’m too busy organizing raids”. Video game raids, not ghostly vampire raids. Vampire Ghost Mom really wishes he’d make something of himself.

Repeats Boo Blah Blah: Blah. Wish I’d gotten two Injured Cyclops and Dirty Ghosts instead.

Now that we know all the players, let’s get to the point of them, which is sticking them on your tongue.

If you’ve ever used a temporary tattoo, you’re familiar with how this works. Just in case, however, Tung Toos offers some helpful instructions. Step 1: “Stick out tongue.” Genius.

Steps 2-4: Slap that bitch on your tongue for a couple seconds, don’t fuck with it, and then take the paper off. I’m obviously paraphrasing here; I think some parents might object to such language on a temporary tattoo wrapper.

I did find Step 5 problematic: “Stick out tongue at nearest friend.”

Hmmm…

I’ve heard you’re supposed to be your own best friend. And so I was. Turns out taking a picture of your own tongue in the mirror is harder than it would seem. Despite how it may appear due to my shitty photography, the tattoo itself was pretty clear and brightly colored. That’s temporary tattoo success!

Seeing as how your mouth is full of fluids and all, I expected the tattoo to be very temporary. This was not exactly the case. I figured I’d use one of the repeats as a test run, but Flying Jack didn’t want to leave. So there you go.

The tattoo had a pleasant sugary and slightly fruity taste that faded well before the actual tattoo did. I wasn’t expecting much in the flavor department, so I was glad that at least it didn’t taste like envelope glue.

Really, who cares what they taste like. Tung Toos are meant to be seen by your nearest friends. They deliver a bright and fairly clear image, and they’re Halloween as balls, inside and out. I would slap one of these bad boys on right before going trick-or-treating and stick my tongue out at every single person who gave me candy. When you’ve got a pumpkin or a cyclops on your tongue, that’s a compliment, not an insult!

Tung Toos Halloween Temporary Tongue Tattoos Fun Pack and Scary Pack

• Score: 4 out of 5 zombies walking around with gummy worms falling out of their mouths
• Price: $1.00 (on sale; regular price $1.29)
• Size: Pack of 8 temporary tattoos
• Purchased at: Fry’s Foods
• Nutritional Quirks: Did not taste like envelope glue!