Lotus Biscoff Cookie Butter

Absolutely honored to be the one to bring you the scoop on cookie butter, a product that’s only been on the market since checks notes 2010!

Oh. I see. It’s been around for a while. And it was a mid-tier hype ingredient for a while, appearing in everything from Krispy Kreme doughnuts to Ben & Jerry’s ice cream to Starbucks coffee, too. Well, shucks.

So you already know about cookie butter. What if I educated you about its origins, instead? THAT’S RIGHT BITCHES IT’S TIME TO LEARN!

Biscoff cookies have been around in Belgium since 1932. There, they’re generically known as speculoos, but Lotus Foods renamed the product for its American consumers, because Americans have always hated stupid names. Instead they decided to call them Biscoff, a portmanteau of biscuits and coffee, which is obviously less stupid. All Biscoff are speculoos but not all speculoos are Biscoff, got it?

For once, capitalism worked in my favor, as I may have never gotten to taste Lotus Biscoff Cookie Butter without a “food broker” working for Delta Airlines who decided he wanted the Belgian cookies served on flights in 1986. Don’t say a food broker never did anything good for ya.

So now we’ve got Biscoff cookies flying all around the world, enchanting American passengers and priming the market. But how did we get to spreadable cookie deliciousness?

In 2010, a contestant on the Belgian television cooking competition De Bedenkers grabbed first place with her cookie butter recipe. Moms had long been making snacks out of crushed up speculoos in between slices of buttered bread, but after the show win, Lotus Foods swooped in and bought the exclusive rights to the recipe.

Of course, Lotus then tried to act like they’d invented mangling together cookies and butter, suing another De Bedenkers contestant who had also made a cookie spread and tangling with other speculoos bakeries. Even the writer of the blog OmaWapsie, which literally translates into “Grandma’s Blog”, wasn’t safe from the Lotus bullies. That’s right, they went after grandma.

As everyone knows, if you come after grandma, you best not miss. Turns out she’d published the recipe before any of these other fools even dreamed of being on television, and Lotus’s lawsuits fell apart.

By that time, Trader Joe’s had already introduced its wildly popular Speculoos Cookie Butter, which is probably the brand America is most familiar with today. In fact, it was the most popular product that Trader Joe’s sold in 2014.

But while Trader Joe’s puts its cookie butter front and center, the (somewhat) original Lotus Biscoff Cookie Butter sits quietly on shelves next to the peanut butter, its unassuming label easily blending into the sea of savory counterparts.

This is where I found my first jar, as I decided which peanut butter brand I wanted to take home with me for the apocalypse. Suddenly this sweet, mysterious-to-me treat caught my eye.

Before researching this article, it had never occurred to me that TJ’s Speculoos and Biscoff were practically the same thing under different names. But now that I understand the Biscoff/speculoos relationship, I’m glad that Lotus’s offering exists since I don’t live near a TJ’s and I now cannot imagine my life without cookie butter.

Again, I’m sure all of you are more worldly than me and have already experienced the bliss that is cookie butter, so I’ll be brief in my description. My first impression upon tasting the Biscoff variety was the familiar taste of cinnamon graham crackers. It’s a taste I haven’t had in many years, so my taste buds were flooded with nostalgia.

It’s like a warm, creamy hug that you can spread on anything you want. Like peanut butter, it doesn’t need to be refrigerated, which I think is great because I feel like that warm feeling would be diminished by a cold temperature. Also, you can just yoink it off the shelf, plunk yourself down on the couch with a spoon, and go hog wild, which is my preferred method of consumption.

It took me a whole decade to try cookie butter, but now that I have, it’s going to be a staple in my pantry. It’s just that good.

DENOUMENT

According to Delta Airlines flight attendants, if you take a slice of lime from the beverage cart and squeeze it over a Biscoff cookie, it tastes just like key lime pie. Please give these workers some real food.

Oma Wapsie received a gift basket from Lotus Foods for her troubles. She has received no further compensation for her recipe.

Quarantine Quickie: Great Value Creamy Jalapeno Ranch Dip

Apologies for the photo blatantly stolen off of Walmart’s website, but the item I’m reviewing today actually inspired the whole QQ idea. I bought this on a whim a long time ago, and while I was rearranging the freezer to make room for quarantine food, I figured I’d finally make it.

Was it expired? Maybe! Was it delicious? Definitely! And it was after experiencing this unlikely delight that I looked around and realized that I had more than a couple products that weren’t necessarily new, but were new to me. Stuff I bought on a whim or a panic while stocking up, or, apparently, expired food I just have laying around.

I’m stuck inside, you’re (hopefully) stuck inside, why not mess around a little?

I have questions about Great Value Creamy Jalapeño Ranch Dip’s name and who decided this was the most fitting moniker. Grabbing it out of the depths of the freezer, I wondered why a ranch dip would need to be frozen at all. Further confusion came from the box picture, which shows tortilla chips (the fancy blue kind). Ranch dip usually calls for a potato chip. And by that I mean Ruffles. We all know it’s Ruffles.

Answers lie in the subscript description: “Ranch infused cream cheese[sic], monterey jack, jalapeños, caramelized onions, mozzarella cheese and roasted red peppers.” No wonder I bought this dip, it sounds fucking delicious. This is also the first time I’ve ever seen the phrase ranch-infused cream cheese. It’s so rare that the typo slipped past the marketing editor!

My mouth confirmed that this was a wildly mismarketed product. It’s a fantastic queso hiding in ranch clothing! As I hoovered warm, perfectly consistent cheese dip into my mouth, I wondered why it tasted so familiar. It hit me out of the blue:

I only bought this dip mix a few times because I found it difficult to mix with the cream cheese, but it made a tasty dip that’s eerily similar to this Great Value offering. And, like the GV dip, Fiesta Juan’s name is pretty misleading. In fact, while the label says “spinach artichoke”, one website’s description mysteriously lists it as “Juan’s answer to Mexican hot pepper con queso”. What is this “answer” business? Queso and spinach artichoke are two different dips, much like queso and ranch! PICK ONE! What is wrong with these brands??

Ahem. In conclusion, Great Value Creamy Jalapeño Ranch Dip is not a ranch dip, but it is a tasty queso that doesn’t have a spicy kick but has plenty of flavor to make up for it. I would go so far to call this a crowd-pleaser, if that wasn’t such an embarrassing phrase to utter.

It also comes in a very generously-sized portion, making it perfect for scooping out into your favorite dip bowl and pretending you made it. I mean, if you were going to be entertaining people. Which you certainly are not right now. Because you’re not a jerk.

  • Score: 4.5 out of 5
  • Purchased at: Walmart

Zombie Skittles

“Our fans love SKITTLES® not just for its delicious fruity flavors, but for the irreverence and sense of humor for which the brand is known.”

That quote comes from Skittles’ Senior Brand Manager Rebecca Duke, and while I won’t place all the blame on her for every awful Skittles commercial I’ve seen in the last ten years, her statement does make it seem like she was complicit. Examples of their irreverence and sense of humor include but are not limited to:

  • Pretending their candy is a communicable disease
  • Showing an adult man with an umbilical cord coming out of his stomach who can taste the flavors of the Skittles his mother is eating (she is seated on the couch next to him and the other end of the cord disappears between her legs)
  • The absolutely haunted man who is cursed to have everything he touches turn to Skittles (this one is actually great)
  • Using torture methods to get a rainbow to give up its Skittles
  • Hiring Steven Tyler, the worst crime of all

Skittles doesn’t seem too into making specific flavor-themed commercials, so it’s unlikely you’ll be seeing a bunch of decomposing corpses humping until they all cum in an explosion of gore-themed candies. Irreverent!

The premise: All the Skittles look the same, most are “normal” flavored, but some taste like rotten zombie. It’s similar to the Harry Potter beans, if one must insist on such a comparison, as did every single person to whom I explained Zombie Skittles.

The difference, of course, is that you’re playing Russian roulette instead of knowing which candy will be gross. Here we come upon the fundamental problem with Zombie Skittles: you’ve already got one foot in the grave. There’s no way to enjoy these candies, because you’re constantly dreading getting a rotten one.

As for the zombie taste, I’m happy to report that it isn’t that bad. Jones Bacon Soda tasted way more zombie-like than this. There’s no taste of decomposing flesh; instead, it’s an odd savory flavor that will catch your attention immediately, but probably won’t cause you to spit it out.

It’s not really meat-like in flavor, just a generic sort of anti-candy “blech”. I was able to power through it and the taste faded quickly afterwards with no lingering. I could say worse of other foods I’ve tried.

Here’s the thing about Zombie Skittles: they’re not for me, and they’re not for you, either. They’re for friends, enemies, co-workers, and Trick or Treaters. Nobody (except psychopaths) is gonna sit down and eat beyond one zombie-flavored Skittle. (I got one on my fourth try.)

Nobody’s here for the non-zombie flavors, either They’re just what you’d expect, anyways, and I wouldn’t be surprised to learn that they’re all retreads with new names, but I’m too lazy to look it up.

These aren’t meant to be fun for one; they’re meant to be used as drinking game devices and playground dares; used to torture and also delight the children that ring your door on October 31st. They’re fun! Halloween is fun!

Speaking of fun, I tried to make a cool zombie claw out of Skittles, but it didn’t work so I just freehanded a skull. I like him and his little crooked smile. My gentle skelly boy.

Zombie Skittles

  • Score: 4 out of 5 candy-cumming zombies
  • Price: $2.28
  • Size: 10.72 oz. bag
  • Purchased at: walmart.com
  • Nutritional Quirk: I’d love to know how the zombie flavor was decided upon. It’s such an uncommon, hard-to-place taste, and the process getting there seems fascinating.

Nerds Lucha Grande Lime vs Pineapple and Guava vs Mango Chile

Welcome to my new site, Muncha Libre. Here, we discuss wrestling-related food and wrestling-related food ONLY.

…I’m being informed by my Google search that the name Muncha Libre appears to be taken by a line of luchador-themed cookie cutters, which are adorable. I guess it’s back to ol’ Junk Food Betty.

The inspiration for this sudden change in focus comes from these absolutely darling Nerds ¡Lucha Grande!, which have apparently been around since 2017. And, it seems, the Internet hasn’t quite caught up to them either. Not a lot of reviews out there.

And what a shame, because look at these beautiful boxes. I’ve never seen such a story unfold on a box of candy before. Stories, I should say. Two boxes, four new flavors, and four unique luchador Nerds. I love them all.

Lime vs. Pineapple

First we have Lima Intensa vs. Piña Furiosa. I love that the nature of the Nerds mascots makes them look like they all grabbed some socks from Nana’s winter drawer to use as masks, but at the same time, I want to appreciate the fact that whoever designed this box actually took the time to not only give the Nerds necks, but also imagined what a lucha mask would look like around them. Fantastic.

Lima’s sticking to a more generic all-green look, but I admire Piña for both the lightning bolt design and the yellow/green combo, really repping the colors of the pineapple. Why didn’t they call her Piña Eléctrica?

Piña may win the round for best lucha look, but I’ve gotta give it to Lima for the flavor. Purely a personal preference. Piña Furiosa is fine as a representative of pineapple candy. I just don’t like that flavor. Imagine the pineapple Lifesaver in the original fruit roll; these Nerds taste exactly like that. Come to think of it, I haven’t seen a roll of fruity Lifesavers in forever. Just imagine a straightforward pineapple candy.

Lime is the same way – think of your favorite lime-flavored candy and you’re 99% there. If you’re me, remember the good times when green Skittles were lime- and not green apple-flavored. Ah, yes, there we go.

Guava vs. Mango Chile

Our second match-up is between Guayaba Solitaria and El Mango Fuego. Obviously, this match is the main attraction. We’ve got two luchas with fire-themed masks, but they’ve taken it in different directions.

EMF gets points for sticking with flame-related colors, but look at the stitch work on Guayaba! So detailed! The combination of neon pink with green reminds me of an unreadable geocities website, but I can’t deny that it really makes the mask details pop. Those jagged eyebrows! You might not be solitaria forever, Guayaba. You’ve pinned my heart.

Guava is a slightly more exotic flavor than lime or pineapple, but again, the Nerds taste is pretty straightforward. I could go into some flowery language about it, but it tastes like guava candy. Bright and tropical.

Call me crazy, but I’m guessing that any interest in this candy lies mostly in Mango Chile. (And the luchadors, of course.) The mango flavor is front-and-center, again being exactly as advertised. The chile part was pretty subtle for spicy candy – you’re not enduring an Atomic Fireball Challenge.

There’s also no distinct flavor to the spice; it’s not cinnamon or even what I’d call “chile”, just a bit of a heat zing as an aftertaste. Hot candy isn’t really for me, but I think it’s a fun addition that doesn’t overwhelm the mango flavor.

Willy Wonka’s ¡Lucha Grande! Nerds are part of a larger line of Wonka candy inspired by “Spanish candy store” flavors. There’s Guava and Pineapple Laffy Taffy, Pineapple, Mango Lime, and Cucumber Watermelon Pixy Stix, and those last two also show up as Fun Dip flavors with Lime- and Tamarind-flavored dipping sticks. Neat!

Except apparently this strategy didn’t go so great, since the press release points towards a now defunct website where you could see the ¡Lucha Grande! Nerds in comic strips that I now desperately want to find and make fun of.

That’s right, between the time I acquired these Nerds and the time I reviewed them, the entire ad campaign for this line of candies went extinct. Listen, the candy was a little expired when I reviewed it, but not that expired. Have a little faith, Wonka! Give these flavors another chance!

As for our little leftist corner (real name tbd, possibly never), you don’t have to go far on this one. Willy Wonka is owned by Nestle, a company that steals water. I won’t even link you to a specific article; just look for yourself.

Nerds ¡Lucha Grande! Lime vs Pineapple and Guava vs Mango Chile

  • Score: 4 out of 5 adorable little luchador masks for everyone!
  • Price: $0.79-1.19 MSRP
  • Size: 1.65 oz. box
  • Purchased at: Ask my mom
  • Nutritional Quirk: lol look at this picture and tell me this is how many Nerds you eat in a sitting

Limited Batch Ben & Jerry’s Pucker Upper

Summertime is in full swing, and we all know what that means: abnormal heat waves and confronting the mounting horrors of climate change!

But also, ice cream. Ice cream is fun!

Growing up, I didn’t like chocolate much, which narrowed my ice cream choices. This was actually a problem when I was growing up in the late 1800s: your choices were basically vanilla, chocolate, or syphilis. Anyone who says the past was better is lying.

Freaks like me chose an alternate path: the fruity one. And back in the days when indoor plumbing was scarce, that meant three flavors: lime, orange, or raspberry, aka The Sherbets Rainbow.

In these capitalist times, there’s a true rainbow of sherbets. No longer are you groaning as you face down the stripe of orange, having already consumed the far superior lime and raspberry portions. Have it your way with all the sherbet flavors available. They probably even contain actual fruit now.

“A raspberry sorbet with an extra tart lemonade swirl and sour sugar bits,” the carton of Limited Batch Pucker Upper proclaims. “…a completely new ingredient, custom-designed for this Ben & Jerry’s flavor,” the press release continues, trying to convince you that the company reinvented Nerds.

The rest of the press release is pretty milquetoast, but here’s one paragraph I enjoyed:

“After 13 years with the company, I don’t think I’ve ever seen a flavor quite like this,” said Laura Essaid, Ben & Jerry’s Associate Brand Manager who helped with the new flavor creation process. “It’s a perfect flavor for summer with a balance of sweet and sour, while light, fruity, and refreshing… plus, there’s no grill required.”

That’s a rough joke at the end there, Laura, but I understand. You’re just the Associate Brand Manager. It’s not like you need to put words together good for that position.

I gotta say though, I feel like I have seen a flavor quite like this before..


image stolen from kmart.com

Yes, I know Laura is referring to the not-Nerds, which certainly are a new ingredient to Ben & Jerry’s. I just love the feverish hype press releases attempt to stir with these proclamations.

L-lemon? You there?

The main body of raspberry sorbet is delicious but ordinary. Tart, sweet, refreshing. The lemon swirl was indeed “extra tart” as advertised, but suffered some bitterness as a side effect. I’ve seen this happen to lemon sorbets before – the more tart you go on a lemon flavor, the more you’re upping the chance for that bitter aftertaste.

This is wisely countered by the addition of the sour sugar bits. They work nicely to counteract that small bitterness by giving tiny, crunchy bursts of sugar. If you snag a bit of lemon swirl with your raspberry, you’re guaranteed to get at least a few of them – there’s no shortage. They don’t taste sour at all, due to already being ensconced in lemon, but they add a welcome sweetness and a bit of crunch to an otherwise uniformly-textured pint.

According to the press release, Ben & Jerry’s used a dairy coating around them to prevent melting. It definitely works when you’re eating out of the carton, but it works less well when you’re spitting them out of your mouth to take a picture. Ghetto? Sure, but definitely faster and more delicious than waiting for a scoop to melt so I can filter out the milk-Nerds.

While the use of a dairy coating to keep the sugar bits from melting is ingenious, it does take Ben & Jerry’s Pucker Upper off the table as a vegan dessert treat. A bummer, but it doesn’t stop Pucker Upper from being a hit in my mind.

Berry and lemon sorbets go great together. It’s a slam-dunk summer treat, no doubt. But the addition of the sugar bits does turn this into something special. Maybe it’s not the most refined flavor palette, but summer is the time to indulge your inner child, especially as we all cook to death. That’s right, I brought us back around!

Ben & Jerry’s seems like a slam-dunk of a company from a leftist perspective. They even pay their employees a living wage!

That’s absolutely good to hear, until you see that employees on glassdoor.com are reporting wages of below $10/hour at Scoop Shops. And there are news stories of migrant workers at their dairy farms making unlivable wages, as recently as 2017. This has since improved, but the migrants had to fight for it.

I’m not saying Ben & Jerry’s is the worst, but when you bring politics into your ice cream game, as they have, you better make sure your house is in order!

Limited Batch Ben & Jerry’s Pucker Upper

  • Score: 4.5 out of 5 BRING BACK ADORABLE CARTOON FRUITS!
  • Price: $3.84
  • Size: 1 pint
  • Purchased at: Walmart
  • Nutritional Quirk: Raspberry puree is the second ingredient. Take that, Rainbow Sherbet!

Lay’s Turn Up the Flavor Wavy Electric Lime and Sea Salt, Kettle Cooked Classic Beer Cheese, and Flamin’ Hot and Dill Pickle Remix

Lay's Turn Up the Flavor Wavy Electric Lime and Sea Salt, Kettle Cooked Classic Beer Cheese, and Flamin' Hot and Dill Pickle Remix Bags

Lay’s is the savory equivalent of Oreos. Their desire to pump out new flavors of potato chips seems like a compulsion. The difference between the two is that, while Oreo just goes straight off the rails, Lay’s always seems like they need a theme or a reason to do this. See: the extensive Taste of America rollout last year, the Passport to Flavor campaign, and of course, the Do Us a Flavor contests, where they basically said, “You do the work, we’ll sit back and judge.”

This time around, the excuse they’ve decided to make is…music! They’ve teamed up with (read: paid) Bebe Rexha to make an all-new song that you can only find by buying a bag of Turn Up the Flavor Lay’s, or probably just take a picture of the code on the package.

Apparently this song mixes pop, hip hop and rock, which is such an accomplishment that my hat just flew off my head. Also, full disclosure: this is literally the first time I have heard the name Bebe Rexha. I am very old.

Because press releases are completely fucking bonkers, here’s an excerpt straight from Lay’s:

“Like flavor, music has the power to elicit strong emotions such as joy, passion and nostalgia,” said Katie Ceclan, senior director of marketing, Lay’s. “Those emotions can be heightened even further when you pair the right flavor and music together – and that’s exactly what we sought to do with the ‘Turn Up the Flavor’ program. As a brand that loves to delight our fans, we are excited to bring them two things they love – the uniquely delicious flavors of Lay’s and the incredible sound of Bebe Rexha. Our limited-time flavors paired with exclusive, new songs from Bebe each create a customized sensorial experience for our fans to taste, listen and enjoy.”

Man, Katie really took us on a journey, there. I now believe Lay’s has power over all my emotions, and I will eat them much more cautiously. The last thing I want to do is start weeping uncontrollably at a job interview because I had a bag of Sour Cream and Onion on the way there.

That’s probably not a good idea in the first place. You don’t want stank onion breath at an interview. What’s wrong with you?

The descriptions of these flavors in the press release are bonkers, so I will review them from least to most crazy. You’ll see what I mean.

Wavy Electric Lime and Sea Salt

“The tangy and vibrant flavors of Lay’s Wavy Electric Lime and Sea Salt are energetic and upbeat like the fun-filled melodies and lyrics of Pop Music that you can’t help but keep on repeat.”

Okay. Cool. We’re one tequila shot away from a rollicking good time with these flavors. Although how well do they vibe with a potato chip?

Lay's Turn Up the Flavor Wavy Electric Lime and Sea Salt

The first chip is a real lime punch to the tongue, which I have to say, is not exactly appealing. Lime and potato aren’t a great duo if you ask me. It’s not a truly authentic lime flavor, but it’s also not candy lime, which is a plus.

As you cram more chips into your mouth the lime flavor fades and becomes more of a general tangy sensation that works well with the sea salt on the chip. I didn’t notice it as distinctly “sea” salt, however.

But the tang/salt combo works well. The only problem is that if you stop eating them, even for a minute, the lime flavor comes back and reminds you that it sucks. The obvious solution is to keep eating the chips until the entire bag is gone. Voila!

Kettle Cooked Classic Beer Cheese

“Lay’s Kettle Cooked Classic Beer Cheese is a bold, exciting flavor that matches the incredible feeling you get listening to Rock Music as the lead singer’s vocals lead into the first riff of the power chords and you anxiously await the band to take it to the next level.”

Okay maybe lay off the amp pedal a little here, Lay’s. You sound like a legally-stoned dad at a Van Halen concert. Although, appropriately, so does this flavor. I feel prepared to be vaguely satisfied but ultimately bored.

Lay's Turn Up the Flavor Kettle Cooked Classic Beer Cheese

At first I thought these tasted pretty much like a normal cheese kettle chip, but then there was a bitter undertone that I could see representing the hoppy taste of beer. It was a surprise flavor that wasn’t exactly welcome, even though it did keep with the spirit of the Classic Beer Cheese taste.

If you already don’t like beer, you’re not going to like these chips, and even if you do like beer I’m not entirely sure “bitter” should be a flavor profile in a potato chip. Although if you’re already drinking a beer, these might pair well.

While I don’t see beer chips taking off as the newest trend, an attempt was made, which is more than I expected out of this flavor. You always leave me conflicted, Lay’s.

Flamin’ Hot and Dill Pickle Remix

“There’s no arguing that if Hip Hop was a flavor, it would be Flamin’ Hot! The harmony of distinct beats and spicy lyrics create the same alluring experience as uniting two fiercely loved flavors – Lay’s Flamin’ Hot and Dill Pickle. Bringing two powerhouses together to create perfect harmony, rapper and songwriter Saweetie drops a guest verse in Bebe’s Hip Hop remix that takes the heat to the next level.”

Listen. While I enjoy the genre of music, I have no authority to deny or confirm that Flamin’ Hot is, indeed, the hip hoppest of flavors. And is combining Flamin’ Hot with Dill Pickle really an “alluring experience”? Is Dill Pickle even fiercely loved as a Lay’s flavor? All I can do is tell you my opinion.

Full disclosure: I feel like I’ve vaguely heard the name Saweetie before, but could tell you absolutely nothing about them. I’m just so old.

Lay's Turn Up the Flavor Flamin' Hot and Dill Pickle Remix

My nostrils were completely pickle-blasted upon opening the bag, which I did not expect. Even more surprising was how well Flamin’ Hot and Dill Pickle played together. The taste of what I can only call “hot” (Flamin’ Hot really is just a flavor unto itself) and the mostly vinegar-driven sourness just work.

I know it sounds gross. I thought it would be gross. Wait, am I the only one who thought it would be gross? Come to think of it, hot pickles exist and are seemingly popular. Bringing heat to a vinegar/garlicky combo doesn’t sound so crazy when I give it a second of thought.

You’ve converted me, Lay’s. While Classic Beer Cheese comes out the surprise winner in uniqueness, Flamin’ Hot and Dill Pickle Remix takes first place in taste. Sorry Electric Lime and Sea Salt, you’re just kind of hanging out in the background, which is ironically representative of me at any concert.

And now for our new segment, Behind the Food: It didn’t take much looking into the Frito-Lay chip machine to find a little bit of dirt swept under the rug: Just last May, Frito-Lay settled a three-year wage, meal, and rest dispute with their California truck drivers to the tune of $6.5 million. Turns out Frito-Lay was supposed to be paying their drivers and they weren’t! I guess they got mad that truck drivers actually wanted to stop driving at some point during the day. Hell yeah to these workers for getting the wages they deserved in the first place!

Lay’s Turn Up the Flavor Chips

  • Score (Wavy Electric Lime and Sea Salt): 2.5 out of 5 fun-filled melodies
  • Score (Kettle Cooked Classic Beer Cheese): 2.5 out of 5 legally-stoned dads
  • Score (Flamin’ Hot and Dill Pickle Remix): 4 out of 5 hip hoppest beats
  • Price: $3.49
  • Size: 7 1/2-8 oz. bags
  • Purchased at: Safeway
  • Nutritional Quirk: Classic Beer Cheese does list “Beer Solids” as an ingredient, which includes both hops and barley. I don’t want to know how you get beer solids.

McDonald’s Triple Breakfast Stack McMuffin (With No Egg)

This is probably gonna be a short one, mostly because if you’re an American (or pretty much anywhere else?) you know what a McMuffin tastes like, and also I really just wanted to try this and figured the pictures would be worth it. Given the amount of salty meat on this thing, I’m basically documenting my death.

And yeah, you read that right – I took the egg off after the original picture. Unfaithful to the review? Maybe. But I hate eggs, I’ve never liked eggs, and I’m not going to start eating eggs for you now, especially not in weird McDonald’s form. Listen, I’m getting pretty loosey-goosey with this website, and I’m comfortable with that. Folks, we’re all just trying to get by, here.

Here’s our big, salty boy. Look at him go. Here’s how the McDonald’s website describes the sandwich: “Each one is a tower of two sausage patties, two slices of melty American cheese, egg and crispy bacon, all sandwiched between your choice of a toasted English muffin, sweet and savory griddle cakes or a buttermilk biscuit.”

Oh yeah, you can get it in biscuit or McGriddle form, too. I forgot to tell you that. Again, loosey-goosey. I’ve never tried a McGriddle, but I would imagine it might work well with the Triple Breakfast Stack. Some sweetness to cut through just layer after layer of salt. But I don’t roll that way, baybee.

Fortunately, as you can tell, I did not die eating the Triple Breakfast Stack. In fact, as I chewed, I realized that McD’s had basically done me a favor – every time I’m eating a Sausage McMuffin, I wish I was eating two Sausage McMuffins, but that’s a little too much food for me.

But by basically slapping two of them together, adding some bacon and subtracting some carbs, they made my wish come true. I was able to finish my Triple Stack and even fit in the obligatory hash brown (if you don’t get a hash brown when you order a McDonald’s breakfast you are a monster), although that pushed me over the edge from satisfied to a bit stuffed.

As for the taste? I mean, it’s everything you would expect. I love the double sausage. I think having two slices of cheese was wise, because it kind of lubricates everything, and for some reason I love McDonald’s shitty, shitty cheese, but only in this application.

I thought the bacon would be a throwaway addition, but it added a different texture from the sausage that I found welcome. It’s not particularly crunchy – standard cruddy fast food bacon, here – but it added a bit of difference from the softness of the sausage and a bit of smoky flavor.

It’s tough to grade McDonald’s Triple Breakfast Stack. On the one hand, it’s fantastic! They took all the things I inexplicably love about McDonald’s Sausage McMuffin and turned it into the sandwich I always wanted but never knew I did. Love it! Triple Stacks for days!

On the other hand, it’s just so very…ordinary. McD’s took a page from the Taco Bell playbook and made a new menu item out of all the stuff they already had laying around. It looks pretty XTREME on the surface, but in reality this baby has less calories than two Sausage Egg McMuffins. (780 vs. 960.) It’s got practically half the carbs. It’s got less sodium. It’s objectively healthier than two of those little guys! Hold on while I start my “Triple Breakfast Stack is a health food” campaign.

So yeah, it’s pretty boring. But it’s also a limited time offer, and that makes me sad. It’s my ultimate breakfast sandwich come to life! I guess it’s time to start a change.org campaign along with that health food campaign. I’m gonna be busy!

McDonald’s Triple Breakfast Stack McMuffin (With No Egg)

  • Score: 4 out of 5 get that gross-ass weird egg thing out of my McMuffin’s
  • Price: $4.29
  • Size: 1 sandwich
  • Purchased at: McDonald’s
  • Nutritional Quirk: Pretty much covered that in the body of the review. Healthier than two Sausage McMuffins. And it’s even cheaper! (A Sausage McMuffin with Egg is $3.32)

Jack Link’s A.M. Breakfast Original Sausage and Applewood Smoked Bacon

It’s a problem I’m sure we’ve all had while camping – you wake up, unzip your sleeping bag, and your tummy starts a-rumblin’. The sun has just crested the horizon, and it just feels too early for beef jerky. What’s an outdoorsperson to do? You sigh and reach for the GORP, but your mind is on that savory slab of protein.

Well fret no more, intrepid adventurers! Jack Link is finally here to provide you with the energy you need in the A.M. while still honoring the sacred flavors of the breakfast hours. Introducing Jack Link’s line of A.M. dried meat products!

Okay, so these aren’t exactly new. They premiered about a year ago. But I kept passing by them in the store and wondering if they really lived up to breakfast meat’s high standards. However, something in me couldn’t bear to bring breakfast-themed jerky to the cashier, so I bought them online. (There’s also Hot & Spicy Sausage and Brown Sugar & Maple Bacon, but I figured I’d stick with the original releases. Plus I couldn’t get them online.)

Bacon jerky is a product that’s been around for a while, but sausage…jerky? Can it even be called that? That’s new. Shelf-stable sausage is old hat (shout out to Hickory Farms, my Christmas homies) but it’s never been marketed as something you’d eat for breakfast. Let’s see if Jack Link has broken ground in the world of dried meats.

Jack Link’s A.M. Breakfast Applewood Smoked Bacon

I have not, surprisingly, ever had bacon jerky. I have, unsurprisingly, tried that “fully cooked” bacon that doesn’t even need to be refrigerated. You’re urged to put it in the microwave, but I’m guessing you could eat it right out of the box if you wanted to reach that next level of sadness. The level that comes below buying a box of pre-cooked bacon.

JL’s Applewood Smoked Bacon has the exact same flavor and almost the same texture as that bacon, but it’s less sad because you’re supposed to be eating it straight out of the bag. The pieces are shorter and more bite-sized than an actual strip of bacon, which is convenient for snacking.

If you’re looking for a crispy treat here, you can throw that straight out the window. We’re in fast food country with Jack Link’s Breakfast Bacon. The pieces are limp and chewy, just like every Burger King burger you’ve ever purchased. However, they’ve got a great smoky flavor and distinct real bacon taste – there’s no artificial “bakon” fuckery happening here.

So JL AM BAS Bacon is kinda sad, but at the end of the day it’s bacon, with all the flavor bacon provides, just not a crisp texture. I’m very much over the bacon craze, but I still love bacon, and if I were taking a morning hike, I’d consider this as an alternative to beef jerky.

Jack Link’s A.M. Breakfast Original Sausage

Now, these little shrively guys are an entirely different beast. Unlike their fresh counterparts, they have a leathery outer texture that gives you some assurance that they are shelf stable, but they are pretty much the same size as a regular breakfast sausage.

There was a little snap when I bit into one, and the texture was like a cross between a breakfast sausage and a Slim Jim, which was a weird crossover. I expect my breakfast sausage to have some give, but this was definitely more chewy, which I assume was a necessary side effect of transforming a usually fresh product into something you can throw in your backpack.

There’s a ton of different sausage flavors out there, and the breakfast link is a distinct one. I was surprised at how spot-on Jack Link’s nailed it here. While you might be getting a bit of a texture whiplash, the seasoning of the two-bite links is pretty good. I definitely felt like I was eating breakfast dried meat and not lunch dried meat.

Overall, Jack Link’s Breakfast sausage and bacon offerings are a mixed bag. Out in the middle of nowhere and craving a diner breakfast? Floppy bacon and weird sausage will give you a nice protein pick-me-up while you sip your shitty camping coffee.

Watching the inevitable SVU marathon in your underpants and craving a snack? Do yourself a favor, move your body, and sizzle up some real strips. Your house will smell great. If rolling around some breakfast links in a pan seems too difficult (I’ve been there), those fully-cooked Jimmy Dean sausage patties aren’t bad in a pinch.

Also, don’t be like me. Read the packaging. “Refrigerate after opening,” it says, defying all the logic of dried meats and also their usefulness. My husband opened up the package of sausages about a week after I’d opened them to review them and he was like, “Is it okay that there is black goo in here?”

No, that is never okay. So if you get lost in the woods, guess you better eat these first.

Jack Link’s A.M. Breakfast Original Sausage and Applewood Smoked Bacon

  • Score (Bacon): 2.5 out of 5 GORPs
  • Score (Sausage): 2 out of 5 “refrigerate after opening”s
  • Price: $3.98 each
  • Size (Bacon): 2.5 oz. bag
  • Size (Sausage): 2.5 oz. bag
  • Purchased at: amazon.com
  • Nutritional Quirk: If finished off both of these pouches at once, you’d have a fortifying 59 grams of protein in you! You also probably wouldn’t feel very good. Also, the sausage proudly proclaims that it’s made with applesauce, which I don’t understand. I tasted no applesauce, nor did I want to.

Ruffles Mozzarella ‘N Marinara Chips

Turning entire entrees into chips is a Frito-Lay tradition, and they either knock it out of the park or phone it in entirely. They can rock both biscuits and gravy and an entire damn gyro, or completely fail a damn enchilada.

When you start messing with my appetizers you better come proper, and mozzarella sticks are more distinctive than you might think. Ruffles is already starting out behind the eight ball here because one of the biggest appeals of mozz sticks is that hot, gooey cheese that stretches enchantingly as you bite into the stick. There’s obviously no way to replicate that textural experience here.

There’s also the issue of breading. It’s important to get a nicely flavored breading or your mozzarella stick experience will be diminished. I would be truly impressed if Ruffles could pull off this flavor, but I do think it’s possible.

And then, of course, there’s the marinara sauce, the dip that completes this appetizer dish. This part isn’t that hard to accomplish – just use the sauce you’re using on your pizza, and if your pizza doesn’t suck then you’re all set. If your pizza sucks then you already have some fundamental problems.

I don’t usually like to make predictions, but I feel like this is going to be one of those Frito-Lay food failures. I’m picturing ketchup chips with some oregano flavoring to simulate the breading and some of the marinara. As for the cheese, it’s hard to imagine mozzarella in chip form, so I’m going to say “faint background of generic cheese”. Let’s find out.

I was surprised at the more orange and less red hue of the chips, but not so by the presence of green flecks. Green flecks = oregano, except for when green flecks = green onion. Or maybe another thing. Frito-Lay loves green flecks, it’s just a fact.

Don’t you love being proven wrong? Thanks, Ruffles Mozzarella ‘N Marinara! Most of my predictions were wrong, but took some interesting directions.

At first, the dominant flavor here tastes exactly like the cheese flavor of Ruffles Cheddar and Sour Cream. Ruffles, no! That’s not right at all! I could detect the oregano, though, along with every potato chip’s best friends, onion and garlic powder.

I was ready to really rail into Ruffles about this cheddar issue, but after a few more chips, some more subtle flavors began to emerge. Mozzarella, is that you? You’re shy, it’s okay. Tomato, breading seasoning, I see you in the corner. Get on the dance floor!

This is my main complaint with these chips – your tongue has to shove that initial cheddar aside to get to the finer bits that make up the flavors of mozzarella sticks. Don’t get me wrong, I was happy that I wasn’t kicked in the mouth with tomato powder, but I don’t want to have to concentrate when I’m snacking on potato chips to figure out what I’m eating.

So where does this fall on the Frito-Lay spectrum of food-to-chip success? Pretty squarely in the middle. It doesn’t smack of zero effort, but it also doesn’t scream, “Holy shit, I’m suddenly at a TGI Friday’s getting endless apps! Also, why the fuck did you abandon me at a TGI Friday’s!”

If you just take away the name and enjoy the chips on their own merit, Ruffles Mozzarella ‘N Marinara are actually very snackable. The cheese immediately ropes you in, and the subtler flavors provide a backup that doesn’t really lend itself to the taste bud fatigue that stronger flavors like, say, bacon may provide.

So while it didn’t completely nail the flavor, Ruffles did come close. And if you judge your chips on a scale of “can I accidentally eat an entire bag while watching television”, these guys score pretty high.

Ruffles Mozzarella ‘N Marinara Chips

  • Score: 3.5 out of 5 TGI Friday’s
  • Price: $4.29
  • Size: 8.5 oz. bag
  • Purchased at: Fry’s Foods
  • Nutritional Quirk: Contains actual mozzarella!

Pickle Juice Sport Extra Strength Shots

[Editor’s Note: Please enjoy this guest review by Malcolm Bedell. He drives a van and writes about stupid food on his website, Spork & Barrel. He’s getting too old for this sh*t.]

I’m certifiably crazy about pickles. That’s right, I said it. When I was a little kid, my mom would catch me sneaking long pulls off the bottle of pickling liquid left in the bottom of the jar, the green brine rolling down my chin as I closed my eyes to savor every drop like a dry drunk who’s finally been reunited with Tanqueray. When I began shopping for my own groceries, a jar of pickles dipped in sour cream made an outstanding last-minute sodium-rich dinner, and in my twenties, I had more than one Friday night fueled by the rocket fuel combination of shots of whiskey followed by shots of pickle juice (what we in New England call a “pickleback”).

Pickle credentials established, I have to make one more immediate confession. I don’t like these “Pickle Juice Sport” shots, marketed as a health (?) and anti-cramping (??) product, by a company called, “The Pickle Juice Company, LLC.” But because I am both a lover of pickle juice AND a sucker for anything that might alter my brain chemistry, conveniently sold in a two ounce portion next to the scratch-off tickets and the expired Butterfingers, I knew immediately that I had to give them a try. From the website:

“A new study has revealed that pickle brine might be more effective than sports drinks at treating muscle cramps, confirming a longstanding assumption in the sports world. Football players, cyclists and triathletes have been sipping dill-flavored drinks, including bottles of The Pickle Juice Company, LLC, for years. Those who downed the brine stopped complaining of cramping within 85 seconds — about 37 percent faster than the water drinkers and 45 percent faster than when they didn’t drink anything at all.”

Now, let’s be clear. I’m…not an athlete. In fact, I’m not even sure I realized that “cramping” was something your muscles could do. I’ve been laboring under the assumption that muscles were just these stringy bits holding my bones together; I’ve never asked too much of them, and they’ve certainly never offered me anything in return. So I can’t speak to the dubious quasi-medical claims being made by The Pickle Juice Company, LLC, and am not going to waste any of the precious time I have to spend thinking up dick jokes for the internet to follow up on any of their published “research.”

I can, however, speak to the taste of the product.

The first thing I noticed is that “Pickle Juice Sport” is stored (and presumably intended to be served) at room temperature. The website claims that it carries an extended shelf life of up to two years, and is so confident that you’ll want to have a ton of the stuff around that they’ll sell you a plastic 55 gallon drum of Pickle Juice Sport for $500. If you haven’t had the pleasure of chugging 2.5 ounces of warm, shelf-stable pickle juice lately, I’ll try to paint you a word picture.

Imagine brining the least interesting, least flavorful pickle you’ve ever tried in a dirty fishbowl full of tepid aquarium water overnight, and drinking the results. That’s Pickle Juice Sport. Imagine blasting a fog of pickle vapor through a car’s malfunctioning Freon air conditioning system, and inhaling whatever comes through the vents of your ’02 Subaru. That’s Pickle Juice Sport. Imagine the sensation of accidentally biting down on a piece of aluminum foil with one of your half-broken fillings while an ancient Polish woman rubs her generations-old family recipe for garlic dills all over your snout. Oh, and you have the flu. That’s Pickle Juice Sport.

It’s got the basic outline of very mild pickle flavor, with what seems like some kind of wildly out of whack pH, so that instead of the acid you’re expecting from pickle juice, it ends up almost chalky, even though the liquid itself isn’t thick; something like artificial pickle flavoring mixed with the taste of old silverware carried in a base of warm unflavored Pedialyte.

I can’t imagine chugging one of these after any kind of intense athletic endeavor (which is to say, I can’t imagine performing any kind of intense athletic endeavor in the first place). There’s certainly nothing about chugging loose pickle water that’s the same temperature as the inside of your body that seems “refreshing” or even “pleasant” on any level. And I can’t say I noticed any increase in my energy levels, or really any sensation at all other than the slight urge to blow hot pickle juice all over the inside of my car’s upholstery. And at $2 per bottle, I can’t imagine favoring one of these over, say, an ice-cold Gatorade, since those also promise to rehydrate and replenish electrolytes while also somehow tasting like Tropical Mango combined with Pure Magic.

As much as I love pickle juice AND not having cramps, “Pickle Juice Sport” is going to be a hard pass for me. Triathletes may find something to like in the product’s alleged muscle rejuvenation properties, but for those of us just trying to catch a legal buzz off a vial of something or other purchased at a gas station? We’ll stick to the dusty bottles of Pomegranate Five Hour Energy and Extra Strength Stacker 3. Y’know, like adults.

Pickle Juice Sport Extra Strength Shots

  • Score: 1 out of 5 aggressive Polish grannies
  • Price: $1.99
  • Size: 2.5 oz. bottle
  • Purchased at: The Shell station down under the highway overpass.
  • Cramping: None.

Junk food and fast food reviews from a leftist perspective. We eat it so you don't have to!