Skittles Orchards

Skittles Orchards BagI’m taking liberties in calling Skittles Orchards “new”, but they’re still the newest Skittles, so I’m okay with that. I was actually aware of (and excited for) these when they came out, but then something distracted me, probably something important like a slow-motion video of a dog failing at catching food, and time got away from me.

But now here we are! Not only with a bag of Skittles Orchards, but with a Very Important Topic that I’ve been wanting to discuss for a long time.

Lime Skittles.

If you’ve read this site for any amount of time, I’m sure you can smell a rant coming, and your cybernose would be correct. Shit’s about to get real.

You see, in early 2013 and with understandably no fanfare, Lime was ousted in favor of Green Apple in every bag of Original Skittles. No big deal, right? WRONG. YOU ARE SO WRONG. And if you don’t believe me, look at the over 200 (and still rising) comments posted on Candy Blog’s coverage of the change.

I’m going to take a controversial stance here: green apple sucks. Lime is awesome. And this replacement isn’t isolated to Skittles; it seems like green apple is the go-to for green candy and lime has just been thrown aside like common trash. Lime is the Jon Snow of candy flavors, and, much like that Watcher’s fate, everyone knows it’s totally unfair. Unfortunately, unlike Jon Snow, I don’t see redemption in Lime’s storyline. Spoiler?

Skittles did throw Lime a bone, however – in what can in no way be a coincidence, Darkside Skittles came out at almost the exact same time Lime disappeared, and Darkside includes the mysteriously-monikered Midnight Lime. Which is exactly like regular Lime, except you can no longer mash it together with it’s friend Lemon unless you buy a bag of Original to do so.

So, yeah. You could say I have strong feelings about Lime Skittles.

What does any of this have to do with Skittles Orchards, you ask? While I would feel perfectly justified in saying “Nothing at all, I just needed to get that off my chest,” Skittles Orchard also includes Lime! Spoilers?

Skittles Orchards Flavors

I’m happy to report that all the fruit flavors represented in Orchards do, indeed, actually grow in orchards. I know this sounds like a simple point to get right, but you never know when it comes to snack foods.

If you grew up in SoCal, like I did, you automatically know that oranges grow in orchards because your grandparents loved to point out exactly which part of your home city used to be one. At length.

If you married someone from the East Coast, like I did, you know red apples grow in orchards because you get to hear about family outings to go pick apples. At length.

If you majored in English in college, like I did, you know that cherries grow in orchards because you had to read The Cherry Orchard by Anton Chekhov and then write about it. At length.

If you live in Georgia…well, I’ve never lived in Georgia, but I’m sure anyone who does is intimately familiar with their orchards.

As for lime, well, I drew conclusions based on my citrusy upbringing. I’m actually convinced that Lime was included in Orchards solely due to the outcry of Skittles lovers everywhere who were just outraged about the Green Apple change. I also assume they purposefully dodged that bullet again by making the Apple flavor Red.

Skittles Orchards

Lime: It seemed like Orchards Lime was a little darker-colored than Original Lime, but that old flavor was definitely there. Juicy and a little tart. I missed you, Lime!

Red Apple: I was looking forward to this, as it’s an interesting new flavor to include, albeit a perfect fit for Orchards. I’m pleased to report that Red Apple has almost nothing in common with its Green Apple kin. It was not at all candy-like, like Green, and had an earthy apple flavor that was actually a little bitter and not very sweet. It’s a strange flavor for a candy, but it’s definitely unique.

Orange: I feel like this was a more aggressive orange flavor than the one in Original, but I’m pretty positive my mind was just playing tricks on me. I mean, c’mon, it’s Orange.

Cherry: Unlike what the back of the bag would leave you to believe, Cherry and Red Apple were remarkably similar in color. Unless you’re eating your Skittles in good lighting, chances are you’re going to get them confused. Sorry, moviegoers. Minus the surprise of getting Red Apple in with your Cherry, there was nothing new here. Bright, juicy cherry flavor, mercifully with only a hint of that cough medicine taste I hate so much.

Peach: I’ve never been a fan of peach-flavored candy, and Skittles did nothing to change my mind here. That said, in the name of objectivity, the peach flavor was bold and juicy, so if you’re a fan of peach candy, Peach Orchards will do you just fine.

Skittles Orchards is a perfectly fine bag of candy, but there’s not much new under the sun here. Orange was obviously straight out of the Original vat. Lime is lime, which, yay, but that’s already present in Darkside’s Midnight Lime. It’s been a while since I’ve had a bag of Wild Berry Skittles, but I’m pretty sure Cherry is just Wild Cherry from there.

I was going to say that Peach is already in Skittles Desserts, but a quick search tells me that I’m wrong. So, okay, two out of the five flavors are unique. Given the glut of candies out there, that’s not too bad.

Even though I don’t like peach flavoring, Peach really popped. Anyone who likes that flavor will like this Skittle. As for Red Apple, I have mixed feelings. It’s a very unique flavor, but I’m not sure it belongs in a bag of Skittles. I just don’t think it’s sweet enough for most candy lovers and feels out of place, even though it’s thematically correct. Plus, why so close in color to Cherry?

I’m always happy to see a new Skittles flavor hit the shelves, so I really don’t have too many gripes against Skittles Orchards. It’s a cute idea and it has Lime in it, and I feel like Peach is a flavor that should already exist in Skittles form. That said, Red Apple is a misstep and the other flavors are recycled, so I think I’ll stick with my Darksides.

Skittles Orchards

  • Score: 3 out of 5 LIME LIME LIME LIME
  • Price: $2.49
  • Size: 14 oz. bag
  • Purchased at: Target
  • Nutritional Quirk: Lime.

Doritos Jacked 3D Jalapeño Pepper Jack

Doritos Jacked 3D Jalapeño Pepper Jack BagWith all the wild snacks out there on shelves today, Doritos 3D isn’t exactly revolutionary. In fact, I might have skipped over it altogether were it not for one fact – Doritos 3D aren’t new at all.

You might be wondering why I’d even bother to review them, then. You see, my friends, Doritos 3D are new now, but they previously existed back in the early-mid 2000s. Back when 3D movies belonged to Captain EO, although nobody really cared about Captain EO. Back when 3D chips were a wacky concept.

I managed to find an old, degraded commercial for the old-school version, which you can find here. It stars Ali Landry in a laundromat. Don’t know who Ali Landry is? Neither did I, although I did remember the commercial once I watched it. I guess she was a pageant winner and Doritos girl or something.

The commercial also appears to have Sean Hayes in it, although it’s kind of hard to tell due to the poor quality. Sean Hayes went on to have a much bigger career than Ali Landry, funnily enough. If it’s not him, then that guy really should have gone on to be a professional Sean Hayes impersonator. There’s a big demand for that, right?

[Edit: The fact that that is, indeed, Sean Hayes is confirmed, after I read the Internet for like, two seconds. But I wanted to leave that paragraph in there because I’m still tickled by the idea of a Sean Hayes impersonator.]

When the first iteration of Doritos 3D (actually called 3D’s back then) came out, I was first in line to get some. Or rather, to tell my dad to get some next time he went to the store. I have to admit, they didn’t exactly live up to the hype. They were basically thin flavor shells filled with air, which made them weird to bite into because they basically crumbled to pieces once your teeth hit them.

This also resulted in a large amount of broken 3D’s in the bag. Nothing worse than half your bag of 3D’s being 2D.

Doritos Jacked 3D Jalapeño Pepper Jack

The new Doritos 3D seem less third-dimensional than their puffy pyramid predecessors, but what they lack in bulge they make up for with style.

Doritos Jacked 3D Jalapeño Pepper Jack Close-Up

Seriously, look at that thing. It looks like a crazed Triforce, or an alien Star Trek transponder, or a rat maze created by a particularly cruel scientist. It is abstract art.

Doritos 3D are obviously thicker than regular Doritos, which also helps give them their dimensional shape and works very well in keeping all the chips intact. Can I even really call them chips?

The thickness comes closer to a corn snack like Fritos Scoops, but these definitely have a tortilla base, which makes them a unique find on store shelves, at least as far as my memory serves.

Jalapeño Pepper Jack is currently the only flavor available in the Jacked 3D line. As with previous Jacked flavors, Doritos uses adjectives like “intense” and “bold” to describe these. What that basically translates to is that every chip…thing has an extra dose of flavor dust on it. It’s like hitting that rare, extra-coated Dorito, except almost all of them are like that.

As for the flavor, my mouth almost immediately related the taste of Jalapeño Pepper Jack to Salsa Verde Doritos. It’s been a while since I’ve had those, but my taste buds apparently have muscle memory. They had a light cheese taste, unlike Salsa Verde, and they seemed spicier too, although not “my mouth is on fire” spicy.

You can call Doritos Jacked 3D Jalapeño Pepper Jack a gimmick, much like their predecessor, but the fact is that they are a solidly snackable product. The crunch and texture are unique, the flavor dust is abundant, spicy and delicious, and the shape is both fun and pops easily into your mouth. While the flavor itself isn’t groundbreaking, it does the job.

And these would make super fun props for your action figures to play with. Ancient Egyptian monolith? Triangle of Supreme Power? The only limit is your imagination and your ability to restrain yourself from eating all the chip…triforces.

Doritos Jacked 3D Jalapeño Pepper Jack

  • Score: 4.5 out of 5 cruel rat mazes
  • Price: $2.50
  • Size: 11 1/2 oz. bag
  • Purchased at: Safeway
  • Nutritional Quirk: Dense like a corn chip, but made with tortilla!

Limited Time Cheetos Sweetos Cinnamon Sugar Puffs

Cheetos Sweetos Cinnamon Sugar Puffs BagI love that Cheetos has been engaging in the holiday spirit lately. The holidays usually belong to the world of candy and cookies. First there was Bag of Bones, and now there’s Sweetos Cinnamon Sugar Puffs.

On paper, the name shows no affiliation whatsoever with a holiday, but on bag, Cheetos Sweetos are Easter Central.

Cheetos Sweetos Cinnamon Sugar Puffs Chester Cheetah Easter Bunny

Chester Cheetah, one of my favorite snack mascots, is totally ready to party. He’s rocking the same cheap bunny-ear headband you yourself could buy at Party City, but he refuses to part with his trademark sunglasses. Then again, the sky is blue and the grass is green, so maybe he’s just being smart and protecting his eyes from the springtime sun.

He’s obviously on an Easter egg hunt, and he’s already grabbed some sweet finds for his basket – I spot “Monster Eyes” egg, “Charlie Brown, pastel style” egg, and what looks like a timely tribute to Barney the dinosaur.

But Chester’s after the best eggs of all – that’s right, Sweetos are shaped like decorated Easter eggs!

Except…why is this not in the name? Why not call them Sweetos Eggos? Oh…wait. Right. Actually, I can’t think of a single Easter pun that would work in this context, which is a rare  for me. So I guess I should stop bashing Cheetos for going with “Cinnamon Sugar Puffs”. Rhyming Cheetos and Sweetos is good enough for me.

When I first heard of Sweetos, I was pretty excited (like I do) and brought them up in conversation several times. Each time, I got the same response: “Ew, gross!”

I don’t understand this knee-jerk reaction at all. What’s with the immediate revulsion to the idea of cinnamon sugar puffs? My brain instantly went to Taco Bell (like I do) and their Cinnamon Twists.

I haven’t purchased these in at least a decade, what with having to save that precious stomach room for one extra Meximelt, but Cinnamon Twists are a tasty treat and I dare you to say otherwise. It’s the closest thing you’re going to get to a churro without going to the fair. Or Disneyland.

Upon opening my Sweetos bag, I was hit a strong, delicious aroma that I immediately recognized: Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is one of my favorite cereals, so I was off to a good start.

Cheetos Sweetos Cinnamon Sugar Puffs

Cheetos Sweetos (why yes, I do enjoy saying that) could taste like dog turds and I still couldn’t deny them the kudos that the snack’s shape deserves. Each one is distinctly egg-shaped instead of just oval, with a larger base and narrower tip. And each one has two “stripes” that work both aesthetically and as a support structure to the shape. Despite their delicate texture, which was way less dense than a regular Cheeto, very few of my Sweetos were broken.

And yes, I was totally right – they taste a lot like Taco Bell Cinnamon Twists. Vindication, naysayers! They were very light and airy, but all had a generous amount of flavor dust on them. That’s another good reason to include the stripes – more surface area for the dust to cling to!

If only that dust carried more sugar. This is Cheetos Sweetos’ biggest downfall – the cinnamon is fine, but I found the sugar coating to be lacking. If I’m going to eat a cinnamon sugar snack, I want it to be cavity-inducing. This left them tasting a little flat.

The corn base is so airy that it tastes like almost nothing, which is kind of the point. The cinnamon and sugar should mask all corn. Again, the cinnamon does its job, but there’s only a little bit of sugar.

I might be wrong, but I can’t think of any snack out there on store shelves that’s like Cheetos Sweetos Cinnamon Sugar Puffs. And, since these are a Limited Time flavor, soon they’ll be gone forever, too.

I was going to say that I wish Cheetos Sweetos would stick around forever, but I kind of enjoy that such a thing is only available for a limited time. This is probably because I have to believe Sweetos will be back for another holiday. Tiny flag puffs for 4th of July, maybe?

Limited Time Cheetos Sweetos Cinnamon Sugar Puffs

  • Score: 3 out of 5 Easter Bunny Chester Cheetahs
  • Price: $2.49
  • Size: 7 oz. bag
  • Purchased at: Fry’s Foods
  • Nutritional Quirk: With brown sugar, sugar and molasses listed as ingredients, you’d think my sweet tooth would be more entertained.

The Bacon Jams Bacon Spread: All Original, Black Pepper and Red Chile & Garlic

The Bacon Jams Bacon Spread All Original Black Pepper Red Chile & Garlic JarsI’m not one to back down from a food challenge. I’d like to think that’s readily apparent. So when I was given the opportunity to try Bacon Jams, I took a deep breath and did two things:

  1. I looked up The Bacon Jams to make sure this wasn’t some sort of fake product, which it obviously isn’t (although that would make for an interesting review, I guess)
  2. I found out that bacon jam is actually a real thing, and not just some hype invented by this company. In fact, in Austria it has its own much cooler and unassuming name, Verhackert.

I kind of want to call Bacon Jams Bacon Spread Verhackert for the rest of the review, because it just sounds so much better.

I’ll be straight – I try to be objective on all my reviews, but sometimes it’s difficult. This is one of those times. The idea of bacon jam does not give my taste buds any enthusiasm. I just keep thinking of bacon stuck in sweet, gelatinous goo, and it makes my stomach lurch a little.

While my stomach flips, my brain goes on yet another rant about bacon. I love bacon, I’m just so tired of Internet bacon hype. The Bacon Jams seem to be part of this hype.

And while my stomach flips and my brain rages, my heart ventures to ask the question: What if I actually like bacon jam?

I have to say, my heart (but not my arteries) softened a little after I read about The Bacon Jams’ humble beginnings. It was created by a group of home brewers, including a food scientist, and was funded by Kickstarter. After all that, now you can buy it from SkyMall!

Okay, SkyMall went bankrupt, but still.

Knowing that they take their product seriously – despite having a pig playing a guitar as your logo – and this isn’t just some Archie McPhee-style product made me a little less scared to try it.

All Original

The Bacon Jams Bacon Spread All Original Jar

I will tell you I almost gave up my profession and changed my address when I opened the All Original jar and there was fat on top. That whole “less scared” thing kind of flew out the window.

The Bacon Jams Bacon Spread All Original

I chose toast to spread my jam upon, as it seemed the most bland of the foods I could pick to let the real jam taste shine through.

Part of me wants to tell you that, after all this build-up, Bacon Jams was awful and I immediately vomited into my kitchen sink. But the truth is…it’s not that bad. I know that’s also not a gushing endorsement, but that was how I felt after my first taste of All Natural.

The first taste that comes through is bacon. Reassuring, right? And not Bacon Bits bacon. Not artificial bacon flavor with Liquid Smoke. Honest-to-goodness, cooked on the stove bacon.

Almost immediately after the bacon comes the sweetness. It’s not a cloying sweetness, however. I was immediately reminded of eating bacon after I’d accidentally gotten some syrup from my pancakes on it. Or, maybe you put syrup on your bacon on purpose.

That was it. Sweet, mapley bacon. Oh, and onions. The texture was chunky, but not like crispy bacon. I assume being suspended in jam inevitably softened the bacon itself. I attribute most of the chunkiness to the inclusion of the onions, which worked to make the texture more pleasant as I chewed, keeping it Bacon Jam and not Bacon Jelly, which somehow manages to sound worse.

Red Pepper & Garlic

The Bacon Jams Bacon Spread Red Chile & Garlic Jar

I found this flavor to be most intriguing, as red pepper and garlic aren’t flavors you commonly find associated with bacon.

The Bacon Jams Bacon Spread Red Chile & Garlic

This was the least bacon-y of the Jams. It’s hard to imagine a food where bacon is the main ingredient not tasting like bacon, but the flavor is definitely muted. Instead, the stand-out here is the onions and garlic. It’s like a sweet onion-garlic spread.

What of the red chile, you ask? I also ask. Because it wasn’t there. I could see it, but I just couldn’t taste the spicy bite of it. Perhaps the fat from the bacon neutralized the heat? All in all, it was the most subtle jam of the three, and the least bacon-y.

Black Pepper

The Bacon Jams Bacon Spread Black Pepper Jar

Black Pepper was my favorite of all the Bacon Jams, if I had to pick a favorite.

The Bacon Jams Bacon Spread Black Pepper

If you enjoy thick-cut bacon coated with black pepper, this is the Jam for you. It was the most savory of the Jams, which is why I liked it the most. There was still some sweetness there, but that black pepper bite cut through it quite pleasantly. The ever-present onion also complimented the pepper nicely.

After ingesting three slices of The Bacon Jams Bacon Spread toast, my stomach felt a little funky, but I attribute that to the sweetness – which is also my biggest complaint about Bacon Jams. I get that many people like their bacon sweet, and that this is also a jam, but that part just wasn’t my cup of tea.

That said, Bacon Jams is actually a quality product, with goddamn real bacon – which it better have, for the price of $15 per 8 ounce jar. All Original will please maple bacon fans, while those who like a savory bacon (still with some sweetness) might prefer Black Pepper. As for Red Chile & Garlic, it just came off as kind of weak.

While I wouldn’t buy this for myself, I could definitely see others enjoying this on toast, or on top of a bagel schmear, or maybe even on a BLT or grilled cheese. As for The Bacon Jams, they have higher aspirations, whichi were showcased in a nice little recipe book that came with my jar. Some of them I find to be quite a stretch, like S’mores Bacon Jam (hurgh) and Swedish Meat Balls with Bacon Jam Sauce, which sounds like they just made a scary dish scarier.

So, I didn’t throw up, which was good, especially after opening up that first jar. But I didn’t fall in love, either, which is also good, because of how much this stuff costs. If you’ve got the money and love bacon, WHICH IF YOU ARE ON THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW READING THIS I AM SURE THAT YOU DO, then you might try giving it a shot, if just to experience a unique pork product.

[Disclaimer: I received this product for free from The Bacon Jams. This in no way colors the objectivity of my review, as is evidenced by the amount of time I reference vomiting.]

The Bacon Jams Bacon Spread: All Original, Black Pepper and Red Chile & Garlic

  • Score (All Original): 2 out of 5 layers of fat
  • Score (Red Chile & Garlic): 1.5 out of 5 missing chiles
  • Score (Black Pepper): 3 out of 5 Swedish meatballs
  • Price: Free
  • Size: Three 8 oz. jars
  • Purchased at: Delivered for free
  • Nutritional Quirk: Contains real, actual bacon! Also contains only 2 grams of fat per tablespoon serving, which is way lower than I thought it would be.

KarePax Snacks and Comics

KarePax LogoKarePax is a monthly subscription service wherein you give them a monthly fee of $26 via the Internet and they send a box international snacks to your domicile.

Does this sound familiar? It should, because it’s the exact same premise as MunchPak!

There is one thing that sets Karepax apart though – they include comics!

Now, there’s nothing wrong with some healthy competition, and the idea of including comics sounded like fun, so when Karepax offered to send me a free box, I gladly accepted.

Let’s get the vanilla facts out of the way before we get to the contents: according to Karepax, for your $26, you get between 11 and 13 snacks from 3-4 countries, as well as a handful of small candies and 2-3 comic books.

Sounded like a good deal to me, but would it live up to the hype?

My box arrived promptly and, much like with MunchPak, I felt like I was having a tiny Christmas. The box was bigger than a MunchPak, and for good reason. Let’s get down to it, because this is going to be a big one.

KarePax Contents

As you can see.

Small Candies

KarePax Small Candies

Here are some of the small candies. I will admit that I have not tried them all yet, because there’s a lot of stuff here and I’d probably die if I tried to eat it all. I call this collection the “somewhat disappointing part of your trick-or-treat haul”.

There’s a little package of Whoppers. A hard candy labeled “lemon” but with coloring that looks confusingly like it should be lime. Some chocolate coins that look like Mardi Gras gelt. And some Japanese coconut candy.

Some More Interesting Small Candies

KarePax Other Candies

Here we have a Japanese corn candy, shaped so accurately like a cob of corn that it’s disturbing but also adorable, because it’s tiny, and candy.

Also Japanese are these Flower’s Kiss candies, one with a picture of a sunflower and one with…uh…well, I’m not a botanist and I don’t read Japanese, so I’m not sure.

We also have a package of Hi-Chew. I swear I get a Hi-Chew in every MunchPak. I have Hi-Chew coming out my ears. Hi-Chew is pretty tasty, but damn, one woman can only masticate so much. This time, I got mango.

Last but not least we have a Boyer Mallo Cup. The Internet tells me that these were first made in the 1940s, and the packaging looks like it hasn’t changed a lick since then. I love when manufacturers do that.

The Internet also tells me that Mallo Cups were the first cup candy made in the United States. Way to go, Mallo!

Japanese Kit Kats

Japanese Kit Kats

I would have included these as “small snacks”, but Japanese Kit Kats are way too fascinating to not have their own section. I don’t know why, but Japan makes Kit Kats in like, 700 different flavors. It’s amazing. I would subscribe to a Japanese Kit Kat-only snack program. Go Google if you don’t believe me.

Since I can’t read a damn word on these wrappers besides “YouTube”, I had to try to figure out what flavors I had using the power of the Internet and search terms like “Japanese Kit Kat green wrapper”.

This was surprisingly useful, as it seems my best bet was that the green wrapper one was green tea-flavored. The flecked moss green color of the candy supported this, as did the flavor. It tasted like white chocolate with a little green tea flavoring, and was actually really good. I felt lucky, because this is one of the JKK flavors I’ve always wanted to try.

It seems that the black wrapper Kit Kat is “otona no amasa” flavored, which I guess translates into “Taste of Adult”. Leave it to Japan to make a Kit Kat sound absolutely dirty.

What this actually means, however, is that this was a Kit Kat marketed more towards adults than children, which is supported by the snazzy-looking black wrapper that looks like it got dressed up to go to a charity ball.

The chocolate had a darker hue than a normal Kit Kat, and that’s exactly what it tasted like. Less sweet and more bitter than a regular bar, but not quite as bitter as most dark chocolate I’ve had. This totally makes sense, as most kids I know are not fond of dark chocolate.

I got no Internet love for the third Kit Kat, but luckily there were a few helpful pictures on the wrapper, namely a wine glass and a big ol’ bunch of grapes. I was surprised that Google turned up absolutely nothing on this one. Did I somehow grab a rare Kit Kat? Are they like Pokemons?

The candy bars looked exactly like white chocolate. And holy shit, they tasted exactly like white chocolate and wine. Actual wine! Not just grapes, but wine, with all the acidity and a lot of acridness. So, not good wine. But my taste buds were completely transfixed. I’ve never tasted any candy remotely close to this. I kind of want to save the second bar for posterity or something.

Now we’re going to move on to the “big” snacks.

Jammie Dodgers

Jammie Dodgers

Jammie Dodgers are a popular British cookie, or biscuit if you live there. They are made of shortbread and raspberry jam, and are apparently named after Rodger the Dodger from the comic The Beano. I can’t do any more research on this because this review is already taking me about 20 hours.

The package proudly touts that Jammie Dodgers have “no added nasties”. But they are “full of jammie mischief”. Fucking adorable.

Shortbread cookies are less sweet and more crumbly than most American cookies, and the raspberry jam was more like a thin layer of raspberry glue. Jammie Dodgers aren’t my cup of tea, but who am I to go against an entire country of snackers? I’ll blame it on different palates.

Štark Smoki

Stark Smoki Flips

Smokis are a Serbian snack known as “flips”. If you’re intrigued by the idea of Serbian snack food, you’re not alone. But hey, everyone’s gotta snack.

Flips are peanut-flavored, peanut-shaped snacks made of cornmeal grits. If this doesn’t sound appealing, again, you’re not alone. They don’t taste appealing. They taste and feel like styrofoam packaging with some peanut flavoring that has a bad aftertaste. I guess it’s appropriate that a Serbian snack would taste depressing.

Kinder bueno

Kinder bueno

Kinder bueno is made by Ferrero, which technically makes it an Italian snack. I figured it was most popular in the UK, but it turns out it they didn’t start marketing it there until 2004. It’s really an international snack, popular from Germany to Gibraltar. We’re just a little slow here in the States.

I’ve had Kinder bueno before, and I think it’s one of the most delicious and well-crafted snacks that you could pick up at the store. (If you lived in another country.) The chocolate is delicious, the wafer is thin, light and crisp, and the cream hazelnut filling is smooth and wonderful. These really need to catch on here.

Delicje Orange European Biscuits

Delicje Orange European Biscuits

Delicje comes to us from E. Wedel, a Polish confectionery company that is apparently very well-recognized in Poland.

While you might think “European Biscuit” just means “cookie”, especially after reading about Jammie Dodgers, you’d be wrong. In this case, it’s actually more like a Jaffa Cake.

What’s a Jaffa Cake? I was about to go into it, including some interesting details about old tax laws regarding cakes versus biscuits, but holy shit, I’m getting really deep down the snack food rabbit hole here, so just read this.

Delicje are a wonderful combination of soft, dense sweet cake and orange jelly goop covered in chocolate that doesn’t taste at all cheap. I would have much more preferred a berry as opposed to orange jelly, but the overall concept is high quality and highly snackable.

Churritos Fuego Hot Chili Pepper & Lime

Churritos Fuego Hot Chili Pepper & Lime

Churritos are made by Barcel, a rather prolific Mexican snack company. At first, I thought it was funny that they would boast the “same spicy flavor as Takis”, until I realized that Barcel also makes Takis. Given that Takis are rolled corn chips, doesn’t that make Churritos the exact same thing?

I should have read the bag better, because I would have seen that these are “corn snack sticks”, not rolled corn chips. They look sort of like shoestring fries, and they’re crunchy without being gum-stabby, which Takis can be.

If you’ve ever had Flamin’ Hot Cheetos con Limon, that’s pretty much exactly what Churritos taste like. Hot chip flavoring with a hint of tart lime. These were tasty.

Nestle Sütlü Cikolatah

Nestle Sutlu Cikolatah

Check out my umlauts, ladies. This one was a little tougher to research because most of the websites were in Turkish. Which makes this from Turkey, heads up. “Sütlü” translates to “milk” and I’m going to go out on a limb with cikolatah, so it looks like we’re dealing with a milk chocolate wafer bar.

This is your typical chocolate-covered and chocolate layered wafer bar. It’s pretty good, but there’s nothing particularly special about it.

Holiday Crispie Pop

Holiday Crispie Pop

I was going to call this “Mysterious Snowman Lollipop Dude” but then I spotted the name on the back of the wrapper. It is made by the Long Grove Confectionery Co. in the good ol’ USA, which looks like an adorably wholesome little company. And that’s all I know about it.

I was delighted to discover that Holiday Crispie Pop is a Rice Krispy treat dipped in chocolate and sprinkled with big sugar crystals. The chocolate was fairly good quality and it was a fun eat. Good job, Long Grove!

Walkers Simply Roast Chicken Crisps

Walkers Simply Roast Chicken Crisps

If the Walkers logo looks familiar to US residents, that’s because it highly resembles the Lay’s logo. This is no accident, as juggernaut Frito-Lay acquired the UK brand in 1989. And, Frito-Lay-style, they have a huge corner of the crisps market across the pond.

Roast Chicken probably sounds like one of those wacko flavors that Frito-Lay is always tossing on shelves for a few months for hype value, but in reality it’s one of the staple flavors of the Walker brand. If you think that’s crazy, consider some of their other current and former flavors, like Prawn Cocktail, Marmite and Lamb & Mint Sauce, just to name a few. Roast Chicken is relatively tame by comparison.

Roast Chicken boasts that it’s made “with free range chicken from Devon”, which is impressively specific for mass-manufactured potato chips with flavor dust on them. The flavor dust does, in fact, list Devon Free Range Dried Chicken Breast as an ingredient. Disturbing, but authentic.

Upon tasting, “weird” is the first adjective that comes to mind. Unsurprisingly. There’s hints of garlic and onion, but the main ingredient I taste is “what?” If I pretend, I can taste chicken, but I’d never guess that’s what they were if the bag was blank. They’re not inedible, they’re just really odd.

Nongshim Honey & Apple Honey Twist Snack

Nongshim Honey & Apple Honey Twist Snack

If the name Nongshim sounds familiar to you, you’ve probably eaten, or at least seen, their Bowl Noodle brand of ramen on store shelves. They’re the big styrofoam ones next to Top Ramen that say “I can afford ramen that costs more than ten cents” or maybe “I don’t own a bowl”.

Nongshim is South Korea’s largest processed food manufacturer. I don’t have a full list of their products, but I figured they were only in the noodle biz. I guess they’ve got a lot of foods floating around out there, including Twist Snacks.

Honey Twist Snacks are very crunchy and have too little sweetness at first, but the more I chewed, the more the light honey glaze came through. I didn’t taste too much apple, but the honey was sweet without being cloying.

Swoffle Caramel Filled Stroopwafel

Swoffle Caramel Filled Stroopwafel

Swoffle Stroopwafel is easily my favorite snack name out of the whole bunch. It is, apparently, a “traditional Dutch treat”, but the brand Swoffle is wholly American, based out of Massachusetts.

Swoffle apparently decided they needed to make a gluten-free, healthy, organic, non-GMO stroopwafel. I’m sure the 19th century bakers who used leftover ingredients to make their stroopwafels would just shake their heads at this.

The stroopwafel smells like pancakes and syrup, which is awesome. It’s like a big, flaky, chewy piece of sugar and molasses. Not the best travel snack, but worth the sore jaw from chewing if you want a sugar fix.

Comics!

KarePax Comics

I’m not going to review the comics, because this is not Comic Book Betty. But my two comics came in a nice sleeve. It’s a super fun idea, and I could totally imagine flipping through the pages while I munched on a stroopwafel.

Wacky Packages

Wacky Packages Bumpkin Dimwits Ditz Stickers

I’m going to turn into an 8-year-old now, so bear with me. Wacky Packages are the best thing ever. They’re not just stickers, they’re trading cards. My first reaction when I saw these was “What the shit?” Then I looked at them for a few more seconds and said, “Oh my god…they’re like Garbage Pail Kids for food.”

I had to sleuth out that their true name is Wacky Packages. They’re made by Topps, and, to further blow my mind, they’ve been around since 1967 and I’ve never heard of them. They don’t just parody food brands, they parody all brands, from toothpaste to motor oil.

I got Bumpkin Dimwits, a parody of Dunkin Donuts, and Ditz, which is obviously Ritz. They’re completely juvenile and groan-inducing and I want to collect every single one of them that ever existed.

So there you have it. One KarePax box, two comics, two Wacky Packages stickers, and 28 snacks of varying sizes. I had my doubts about this service and its ability to rival MunchPak, but after doing this review, I am completely sold. I hate to fawn, but I have to admit – I’ve switched my loyalties and my subscriptions, at least for a few months. KarePax has won me over.

I also like that there’s a level of customization – you can opt out of comics for some extra snacks, or request youth-oriented comics. You can also specify peanut allergies, meat-free, or just give them a couple of flavors you don’t like so they leave those out.

If you’re interested in a box of your own, the company has given me a discount code for $10 off a 3, 6 or 12-month subscription. Enter KPXRV459 at checkout.

[Disclaimer: I received these snacks for free from KarePax. This in no way effects the objectivity of my review.]

KarePax

  • Score: 5 out of 5 Bumpkin Dimwits
  • Price: Free
  • Size: One box
  • Purchased at: Delivered for free; available at http://karepax.com/
  • Nutritional Quirk: There’s so many snacks in here, you would probably die if you tried to eat it all in one sitting. Or at least vomit.

Limited Edition Red Velvet Oreo

Limited Edition Red Velvet Oreo PackageIt should come as a surprise to no one that Oreo has come out with a Limited Edition flavor to coincide with Valentine’s Day. I am surprised but relieved that they didn’t come out with a fish-flavored one for Lent.

And, of course, if you’re going to make a V-Day-themed cookie, you’re going to make it Red Velvet. The Valentinesinesiest of all cake flavors, and easily translatable into cookie form. Especially when we’re talking about the already chocolate-flavored Oreo.

In fact, this seems like a much more organic iteration of America’s favorite sandwich cookie than, say, Watermelon. Or Candy Corn. I could go on, so much so that I’m starting to appreciate Red Velvet Oreos before I even taste them.

The package doesn’t exactly scream Cupids and hearts, but we all know the reason they’re here. I must say, that’s a lovely looking piece of cake. It makes me want the cake more than the Oreo cookie contained within the package.

In case you weren’t aware, red velvet cake is really just a chocolate cake that’s colored to look red. What sets is apart, besides the food coloring, is the cream cheese icing.

I do so love cream cheese icing. I can’t say that about a lot of cake icings – store-bought cakes put six inches of sickeningly sweet icing on their cakes, resulting in me throwing a tantrum if I do get the piece with the flower. I’m not that fond of rich chocolate frosting.

I really can’t drum up much enthusiasm about frosting in general unless it’s cream cheese or Funfetti. And who doesn’t love Funfetti?

Limited Edition Red Velvet Oreo Sleeves

The smell upon opening the package was distinctly of cream cheese frosting, and was pleasant and inviting. The creme filing seemed a little bit yellower than usual, which is on par with cream cheese frosting. All very encouraging.

Limited Edition Red Velvet Oreo

Like the package, the cookies were that signature red velvet brown-red color, causing me to wonder what would happen to my poop if I ate too many of them. Call that literal toilet humor, but it can really happen. Look it up! I’ll let you put together the search string on that one.

After classic Oreo separation, I tasted the cookie on its own. To my complete lack of surprise, it tasted exactly like an original Oreo. Absolutely no difference whatsoever, besides the red dye and my disturbing thoughts about that subject.

Of course, I was expecting the real difference to be in the cream cheese filling, and that’s where I found it. I was expecting a larger cream cheese frosting presence, but instead I first tasted the traditional Oreo creme filling flavor and texture. Followed closely by that, however, was the distinct taste of cream cheese frosting. And it was delicious!

While the chocolate Oreo and the cream cheese filling worked great together, I soon discovered one problem, which is that I was overwhelmed by sweetness after just two cookies. They didn’t seem like they were that sweet while I was eating them, but it crept up on me. I realized that it wasn’t so much the sweetness but the richness that was getting to me, which is a problem I sometimes experience with cream cheese frosting, too.

Limited Edition Red Velvet Oreos are a cute little Valentine’s Day-themed snack to have around the house. While the cookie contains 0% originality, the filling does bring the flavor of cream cheese icing, which is great. The only drawback is that the filling is somewhat rich. Is this why the package is smaller than regular Oreos?

Oh right, and you might also poop red.

Limited Edition Red Velvet Oreo

  • Score: 4 out of 5 literal toilet jokes
  • Price: $2.99
  • Size: 10.7 oz.
  • Purchased at: Target
  • Nutritional Quirk: Not a lot to report here, unless you count “sugar coma”.

Sugar Cookie Toast Crunch Limited Edition Cereal

Sugar Cookie Toast Crunch Cereal Limited Edition BoxCinnamon Toast Crunch has always been one of my favorite cereals. It’s one of those cereals that blows past guys like Lucky Charms on the unhealthy scale and lands straight on “I’m basically eating dessert for breakfast”. Cinnamon and sugar cereal that leaves you with cinnamon-sugar cereal milk – what’s not to like?

For the holidays, we now have a limited edition version, which is Sugar Cookie Toast Crunch! Wait, what the hell is sugar cookie toast? I guess just Sugar Cookie Crunch wouldn’t get the entire brand name across.

Besides the appeal of eating sugar cookies for breakfast, there was another obvious selling point for me on this cereal, and I’m pretty sure you can guess what it was. Sure, the Christmas lights and stocking are a nice touch, but the obvious draw here is googly-eyed cereal squares.

Well, more specifically, googly-eyed sugar cookie cereal squares wearing green Santa hats and looking absolutely overjoyed as they grin at each other over their drowned brethren. If there were actual googly eyes glued to each box of Sugar Cookie Toast Crunch, it would be my favorite cereal of all time.

Unbeknownst to me, these squares have a name, and that name is Crazy Squares. I always associated Cinnamon Toast Crunch with a fat chef wearing glasses, but the times have a-changed. While I will always have a place in my heart for Fat Toast Chef, Crazy Squares are pretty awesome, and you will see why when I show you the activity panel on the back of the box.

Sugar Cookie Toast Crunch Cereal Limited Edition Box Crazy Squares

There’s a whole bunch of stuff to do on this wonderfully festive panel. Crazy Squares are super into the Christmas spirit, with gifts and a tree festooned with glowing lights and ornaments.

The best part of this whole picture, however, is the Squares themselves. They are so happy. Well, I’m not quite sure what the guy on the far right is. He’s…he’s Special Square.

Can you tell which Crazy Square is my favorite? If you immediately guessed “the guy that Square #2 is really hoping is about to eat Square #4”, then you are absolutely correct.

My favorite activity is called “Frosted Fun”, and is described thusly: “The Crazy Squares have licked some picture puzzles of their favorite holiday things on the frost on the window. Can you guess the word each picture is creating?”

I’m sorry, what? They’ve licked some pictures onto the window? I have to assume this is the work of Special Square.

Sugar Cookie Toast Crunch Cereal Limited Edition Frosted Fun

But what glorious work it is. Hold on, I got this:

a. “ninja bro”

b. “dapper old man”

c. “shitty birthday with vegan parents”

d. “squirrel rocking a snowboard…with bells”

No need to look at the answer key. Nailed it.

Sugar Cookie Toast Crunch Cereal Limited Edition

Here is the cereal itself. Look at it! You did a good thing, Sugar Cookie Toast Crunch. Each piece, to varying degrees, looks like it has been dusted with a heavy coating of snow. Of course, we all know that snow is actually sugar, which is almost as good as snow.

The underlying structure and texture of this Crunch is almost identical to Cinnamon Toast, although perhaps a tad thinner. But does it actually taste like a sugar cookie? I wouldn’t say so offhand. The sugar is definitely there – from the look and the taste, it seems more like confectioner’s sugar, which is very sweet but also has a nice, melty quality to it. There’s also a lovely hint of vanilla in there.

I could definitely see eating Sugar Cookie Toast Crunch on a cold Christmas morning and digging the snowy vibe as I ingest unhealthy amounts of sugar and solve holiday puzzles. And that sugar and vanilla combo makes for some excellent cereal milk. While the flavor itself isn’t exactly unique and could easily transfer over to a regular cereal, all the bells and whistles make Sugar Cookie Toast Crunch a fine limited edition Christmas offering.

Sugar Cookie Toast Crunch Limited Edition Cereal

  • Score: 4 out of 5 carnivorous Crazy Squares
  • Price: $2.99
  • Size: 12.2 oz.
  • Purchased at: Target
  • Nutritional Quirk: At a surprisingly low 9 grams of sugar per serving, this cereal is way less teeth-rotting (and contains a lot more vitamins and minerals) than a can of soda.

Snack Factory Pretzel Crisps Dark Chocolate and Mediterranean Sea Salt Crunch

Snack Factory Pretzel Crisps Dark Chocolate and Mediterranean Sea Salt Crunch BagI’m not sure why these Dark Chocolate and Mediterranean Sea Salt Crunch Pretzel Crisps are special for Christmas, but they’re new and their packaging is obviously Christmas-themed. Shiny red-and-green packaging, and you can’t tell me it’s a happy accident that that pile of sea salt just so happens to look like a mound of snow.

And, of course, there’s good ol’ Saint Nick, who appears to be tiptoeing across the front of the bag for fear of waking the sleeping snacks. Santa is begging you to “Rethink your pretzel!”, which I assume is a reference to the “crisp” part of these Pretzel Crisps.

In case you aren’t aware, Pretzel Crisps are like pretzels that have had the middle sliced out of them and then the outsides stuck back together. Sort of like if a pretzel and a cracker had a baby – they’re thinner and lighter than regular pretzels, but they keep all the good parts, like the crunch and the distinctive flavor.

Snack Factory Pretzel Crisps Dark Chocolate and Mediterranean Sea Salt Crunch

These Pretzel Crisps have been dipped in dark chocolate and covered in sea salt, supposedly of the Mediterranean variety, although I cannot verify that claim.

The Crisps themselves maintain their crunchy texture, even having been subjected to a heavy dose of chocolate. I would say that this goes well with the texture of the chocolate, but the chocolate is of the very cheap variety, which is one of the biggest problems with these Pretzel Crisps.

In addition to lacking the smooth texture of good dark chocolate, it also lacks the depth of flavor. Instead of being dark and rich, it is instead just plain ol’ bitter, overshadowing the chocolate notes.

Snack Factory Pretzel Crisps Dark Chocolate and Mediterranean Sea Salt Crunch Close-Up

The other problem with these Pretzel Crisps is the salt. Salt and chocolate can go very well together, but the salt here was just overwhelming, even more so than the bitterness of the chocolate.

I don’t know if this was some sort of superpower Mediterranean sea salt, but after just a few pretzels I had to drink a full glass of water, and I’m general a salt vampire, so that’s saying a lot.

Pretzel Crisps can be quite tasty for the reasons given above, but Dark Chocolate and Mediterranean Sea Salt Crunch fails to deliver on both of the flavors in its name. The chocolate is too cheap and bitter, and the salt is too…salty, which is a weird thing to say about a pretzel. Maybe the Santa on the package is trying to sneak past so he can deliver his presents without having to eat them.

Snack Factory Pretzel Crisps Dark Chocolate and Mediterranean Sea Salt Crunch

  • Score: 1 out of 5 hastily gulped glasses of water
  • Price: $2.99
  • Size: 4 oz.
  • Purchased at: Target
  • Nutritional Quirk: If you can get through an entire 4-ounce bag, you’ll have consumed almost 80% of your recommended daily amount of sodium. Sounds about right.

Twizzlers PULL ‘n’ PEEL cherry green apple lemonade

Twizzlers PULL 'n' PEEL cherry green apple lemonade PackageHey Twizzlers, what’s…what’s going on, here? You obviously have a Christmas candy out. I can see it. We can all see it. It’s right above these words, in all its red, green and white glory. There are even snowflakes on the package.

And yet, what are you calling it? Twizzlers PULL ‘n’ PEEL cherry green apple lemonade. There are many things wrong with this name, starting with going from all caps to no caps and ending with the fact that Twizzlers is patently refusing to acknowledge that this is Christmasy or even holiday-y in any way. You’ve already got stripes going – make candy cane shapes! Make wreaths! Cherry rhymes with merry, for fuck’s sake!

Now that I’ve gotten this glaring oversight out of the way, I just realized I haven’t had Twizzlers in ages. I’m pretty sure the last time I ate a Twizzler, it was after I’d used it as a straw to drink some Dr. Pepper. This was before the time when Twizzlers could be pulled and peeled, or filled with sour goop. A simpler time, when a Twizzler was just a Twizzler.

Twizzlers PULL 'n' PEEL cherry green apple lemonade

Not that I object to the pulling and peeling of Twizzlers. I think the constant presence of string cheese in a household of no children is a testament to that. There’s something satisfying about pulling apart long strings of….whatever, and bonus points if it’s candy.

Twizzlers PULL 'n' PEEL cherry green apple lemonade Strands

Each rope of Twizzler PULL ‘n’ PEEL boasts nine separate strands of Twizz. On this one, cherry won the game of tic-tac-toe.

The flavors themselves are unspectacular. Together, it’s mostly a gummy, waxy candy. Separately, the strands go as follows. Cherry: a nice, artificial cherry taste, without any of that medicine flavor. Green apple: strangely flavorless, tasting mostly of plastic. Lemonade: a little sour with a hint of lemon.

But the flavors aren’t the real appeal here. The real fun is pulling apart the strands. This can prove somewhat difficult to do, as Twizzlers are sticky by nature and the strands are very compact. Green apple and lemonade pull apart with little effort, but cherry is strangely thinner than the rest, resulting in a lot of tearing.

Twizzlers PULL 'n' PEEL cherry green apple lemonade Candy Cane

Since Twizzlers seemed unwilling to admit their Christmas affiliation through both packaging and candy design, I took it upon myself to do so. Look at how gosh-darn festive that candy cane is. It would never fly as a tree decoration, as the only way I could get the shape to stay was to affix it firmly to the plate, but it made me happy nonetheless.

After pulling and peeling the candy, I was left with a bunch of Christmasy strands, which is how I wound up spending a night playing arts & crafts with Twizzlers.

Twizzlers PULL 'n' PEEL cherry green apple lemonade Wreath

I can’t say I’m not proud. Not only was it fun, but it also really put me in the Christmas spirit, which usually takes an act of Charlie Brown or Garfield to accomplish. And that’s when I read the back of the package:

Twizzlers PULL 'n' PEEL cherry green apple lemonade Package Back

I was wrong about you all along, Twizzlers. It’s not that you didn’t have Christmas in your heart. It’s that you wanted me to find the Christmas spirit in my heart. In a world of gizmos and gadgets, Twizzlers proudly proclaims “assembly not included” and encourages you to get creative and play with your food.

Well played, Twizzlers. Well played. I’d craft a Twizzlers heart for you, but that wreath already took more time than I’d care to admit.

Twizzlers PULL ‘n’ PEEL cherry green apple lemonade

  • Score: 4 out of 5 Grinch hearts growing
  • Price: $1.00
  • Size: 4.2 oz.
  • Purchased at: Target
  • Nutritional Quirk: Tastes like plastic, but feels like fun.

Jones Limited Edition Peanut Butter and Jelly Soda

Jones Limited Edition Peanut Butter and Jelly Soda BottleThere was a time when Jones Soda was synonymous with weird food. Oh, sure, they were also one of the only current soda companies using pure cane sugar instead of high fructose corn syrup before it was cool to do so, but when I think Jones Soda, I think weird. And not just because of their Bacon Soda. Okay, a large part of it is because of Bacon Soda. But it goes back farther than that.

Sit down, kids, because I have a story to tell.

The year was 2004. Junk Food Betty was not even a gleam in my eye, but my heart already belonged to weird foods. It didn’t take any amount of effort to learn about Jones Soda’s Holiday Pack – it was all over the news and the Internet. Despite my crushing desire to try these sodas, which were Turkey & Gravy, Green Bean Casserole, Mashed Potato, Cranberry and Fruitcake, they were sold out immediately, and all I could do was read about them and sigh.

They did it again the next year, with some variations that were equally disgusting, but I was also not privy to that. There were a few more limited edition packs, the aforementioned Bacon Soda debacle, and a random Tofurkey & Gravy Soda year, but other than that, they’ve mostly stuck to Limited Edition Halloween flavors that are generally pedestrian or repeated over the years.

And then, out of nowhere – Limited Edition Peanut Butter and Jelly. I have many questions, like “Why now? And why not bring back those amazing Thanksgiving sets?” But really, I’m just giving thanks that Jones Soda is still keeping it weird, if only for a brief amount of time.

Here’s the description from Jones’ website: “PB&J…. The Jones Way! We took the popular kids sandwich and blended it up for our latest Limited Edition. Enjoy the flavor of Grape Jelly and peanut butter (and sleep well knowing we didn’t use any actual Peanuts or come in contact with peanut materials). This Limited Edition tastes great, whether for Kids who enjoy Peanut Butter and Jelly sandwiches, or adults reminiscing of their childhood.”

As someone with the mildest peanut allergy possible, I wouldn’t lose any sleep over the inclusion of real peanuts, although I would be more intrigued if they were included. I’m assuming actual grape jelly was also not used, but apparently Jones doesn’t care enough about people with life-threatening grape jelly allergies to mention that.

My mind was torn as to whether or not to pre-judge this soda as disgusting. On the one hand, peanut butter and jelly already has a sweet quality to it, and grape soda isn’t that bad. So there was a chance that it wouldn’t be that bad…right?

But on the other hand, it’s peanut butter and jelly soda. So things could, indeed, go very badly.

The label itself is both simple and adorable. The peanut butter side (chunky style, by all appearances, which is a bit unsettling when you’re about to be drinking the soda version of it) and the jelly side, moments before joining together in joyous edible copulation. I’m not making this sound any more appealing.

At least the color of the soda leans towards the jelly portion, a deep purple that suggests grape soda innocence. I appreciate that they didn’t go with the unhealthy-poop brown color of peanut butter. Small favors.

Jones Limited Edition Peanut Butter and Jelly Soda

Man, I wish I’d saved a dinosaur Welch’s jelly glass from my childhood, just for this occasion. Google it if you don’t know what the hell I’m blathering about.

I should really learn to stop smelling potentially-gross things before I taste them, but I can’t seem to help it. What my nostrils grabbed here was the unmistakable scent of grape jelly. Not grape soda. Grape motherfucking jelly.

And then I had to go and put it in my mouth, because I decided to start a website where I do that and then write about it.

Jones Limited Edition Peanut Butter and Jelly Soda Glass

Oh my god, immediately came the peanut butter. It was there, and it was fucking letting you know it. There was a moment when it first hit my tongue where I was fooled into thinking, “oh, this is very grape soda-ish”, and then BAM! Peanut butter takes over. Unmistakeable. My mouth was flooded with peanut butter, and then, after I swallowed, I got a grape jelly exhale out my nose. Oh my god, why is this happening.

And the peanut butter stuck around, too, just like real peanut butter sticking to your mouth. It doesn’t go away. It just clings to my taste buds, tormenting me long after I decided that three gulps was more than enough to really establish the flavor of this soda for review purposes.

Oh my gosh, it’s so bad, it won’t go away, even as I write this and have already put the glass down, far away from me. It’s not like good peanut butter, either. It’s like that super cheap peanut butter you find in off-brand Halloween candies shaped like dismembered body parts.

The jelly part tasted like melted jelly, which is bad. Why is this so bad? That shouldn’t be so bad, right? And yet, it is. I am actually making a sad face as I type this. It’s involuntary. My mouth is sending sad signals to my brain, probably wondering what it did to deserve this. I’m sorry, mouth. I’m so sorry. It was wrong of me to do this and you didn’t deserve it.

I really didn’t expect Jones Peanut Butter and Jelly Soda to be this bad, but it is, it’s so bad. I mean, I guess if you’re like, super into peanut butter and jelly, it might not be horrible, but Jones took two flavors that are so right for each other and turned them into an abomination. And then they added carbonated water.

I thought this might turn out okay, but I was very wrong. My forehead hurts from furrowing my brow. I am not aging gracefully. Thanks, Jones Soda.

Jones Limited Edition Peanut Butter and Jelly Soda

  • Score: 0.5 out of 5 “I guess if I only exhale the grape jelly it’s better”s
  • Price: $1.49
  • Size: 12 oz. bottle
  • Purchased at: Cost Plus World Market
  • Nutritional Quirk: It’s been made very clear that this soda contains no peanuts but it won’t leave my mouth whyyyyy

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