Limited Edition Triscuit Cranberry & Sage Crackers

Limited Edition Triscuit Cranberry & Sage Crackers BoxOh, Triscuit.  You’ve made some wonderful flavor combinations in the past, like Rosemary and Olive Oil and Fire Roasted Tomato and Olive Oil.  In retrospect, you sure are using a lot of olive oil.

But this combination of cranberry and sage does not seem like a match made in heaven.  Oh, don’t worry, I get it – THANKSGIVING.  You know what else goes together at Thanksgiving?  Alcohol and bitter family gatherings.  Maybe you could combine those with some olive oil.

Okay, okay, I’m pre-judging Limited Edition Triscuit Cranberry & Sage Crackers a lot, here.  That’s bad food journalism.  And if I were a food journalist, I’d feel bad about it.  But this is my website so I can say what I want.  We’ll see if I have to eat my words later on.  Eat them on a Triscuit.

What I can say is that at least the box is adorable.  It’s like the classic ugly Christmas sweater, which is just perfect if you ask me.  I also like the cranberries smushed onto some white stuff bookended by Triscuits covered in green bean casserole.  The white stuff is herbed goat cheese, by the way, and I wasn’t joking about the casserole.  The box even says it.  Triscuit is owning these ideas.

Here’s another amazing idea they’re owning, speaking of eating it on a Triscuit:

Limited Edition Triscuit Cranberry & Sage Crackers Recipe

I always laugh at the serving suggestions on cracker boxes, but I have to say that this one takes the cake.  A Triscuit is 2 x 1.75 inches.  Yes, I measured a cracker.  So what Nabisco expects you to do the day after Thanksgiving, when you are hungover from either booze, food, or the unrelenting presence of family members, is try to manipulate the following items onto a cracker smaller than the spoon you used to shovel dressing onto your plate:

Two pieces of turkey, folded.  If you can accomplish this on a Triscuit, you are either amazing, or your Thanksgiving turkey came out of a Hillshire Farms container, which is sadder than putting leftovers on a Triscuit.

Gravy.  Known for staying put, and there’s no way it wouldn’t immediately leak out.

Stuffing.  If the above statement about the turkey is true, no birds were stuffed in the making of this Thanksgiving dinner.  Just call it “Stove Top” instead.

Brie cheese.  Yeah, because whoever is attempting to assemble this monstrosity has that on hand.

Cranberry sauce.  The cherry topping to this impossible Thanksgiving sundae.

Triscuit also recommends substituting green bean casserole for stuffing.  Boy, they are really pushing that shit.  Maybe they’re in bed with Del Monte.

Now that I’ve had my fun with Triscuit, it’s time to get down to the actual cracker.

Limited Edition Triscuit Cranberry & Sage Crackers

The crackers themselves had inviting little flecks of what are, presumably sage, on them, and when I opened the box, I was met with the unmistakable smell of cranberry.  Fully committed, I shoved a whole 2 x 1.75” cracker in my mouth.

What I tasted was some sort of Thanksgiving miracle.  The flavor of cranberry – real cranberry – flooded my mouth.  It’s hard to type this with a straight face, but the flavor actually had the sensation of being juicy, which makes no sense when you’re discussing a wheat cracker.  There was a little sweet, but not too much, and that signature tart of cranberry.

Worried that I might have been struck with sudden-onset synesthesia, I went to the box and checked out the ingredients.  Sure enough, right up there on the list was cranberry juice concentrate.  Triscuit didn’t just pump some artificial flavor into their crackers; they went whole-hog and put in the real thing.  Well, as real as you can get when you’re manufacturing a wheat cracker, I suppose.

After the initial cranberry burst came a nice, slow onset of sage, which is also listed as an actual ingredient.  It was earthy and savory, but not at all overpowering.

Limited Edition Triscuit Cranberry & Sage Crackers never should have worked, but somehow, they did.  The burst of real cranberry combined with the subtle but earthy flavor of sage is both unique and refreshing, and really did have that Thanksgiving flavor.

Do I want to eat these every day?  I do not.  While the sensation of eating a juicy wheat cracker was something to experience, I can’t say that fruit wheat crackers are a thing I want to add to my permanent snack lineup.

On the other hand, that sage would go great with a few other authentic spice flavors to make a nice stuffing-flavored cracker.  While juicy, fruity crackers aren’t my thing, I think the record will show that I’m down with some savory Thanksgiving-flavored snacks.

Limited Edition Triscuit Cranberry & Sage Crackers

  • Score: 3.5 out of 5 heavily pressed olives
  • Price: $2.99
  • Size: 9 oz. box
  • Purchased at: Target
  • Nutritional Quirk: Contains the actual ingredients in the name!

Boulder Canyon Thanksgiving Feast Kettle Cooked Potato Chips

Boulder Canyon Thanksgiving Feast Kettle Cooked Potato Chips BagBoulder Canyon Thanksgiving Feast chips are truly something to give thanks for. It’s like an early Christmas gift I wasn’t expecting and didn’t know I wanted, but now that I have it, I’m in love with it.

First off, let me explain that Thanksgiving Feast actually contains four separate bags of chips that are all Thanksgiving-flavored. I’ll obviously be getting to that in a moment, but first I want to celebrate the bag that contains the bags.

Look at that wonderful thing. The picture on the front truly is a feast, showing a Norman Rockwell-esque spread interspersed with chips, because I always have chips strewn around the stuffing and pie at my holiday dinner gatherings.

What may be less apparent in the picture, however, is the background of the bag. At first, it just looks like an autumn-colored bag, which works. But upon closer inspection…

Boulder Canyon Thanksgiving Feast Kettle Cooked Potato Chips Bag Close-Up

Yeah, that’s right. The bag itself is a fucking turkey. I don’t usually apologize for cussing in my reviews, but I feel like this is one that young and old alike should enjoy. On the other hand, it’s fucking awesome. Sorry, moms and dads.

The bag is even the exact size of a turkey. I don’t want to open it. I should have bought two and just kept one for display purposes. I don’t really have any Thanksgiving decorations, but I feel like a life-sized turkey bag full of Thanksgiving chips would be super appropriate, and not at all weird to anyone entering my house.

But I also want those Thanksgiving chips, so I’m going to have to break the seal. Maybe I’ll just fill it with crumpled-up newspaper and put it on the mantle afterwards. Again, not at all weird.

Cranberry Flavored Kettle Cooked Potato Chips

Boulder Canyon Thanksgiving Feast Kettle Cooked Potato Chips Cranberry Bag

After such a fabulous package, which I have practically asked to marry me in the above intro, Boulder Canyon could have easily phoned it in on the individual packages. But they didn’t. I love these little bags. Such cute font. And that teeny little pot filled with cranberries. I decided to start with cranberries because…well, I never eat cranberries at Thanksgiving, but I figured you have to start slow before you get to the main attraction.

Of course, the drawback here is that these are cranberry-flavored chips. My eyes narrow in suspicion. No good can come from this. I’m not scared of them; after all, I’ve eaten coffee-flavored chips and mango-flavored chips, so I was prepared.

Boulder Canyon Thanksgiving Feast Kettle Cooked Potato Chips Cranberry

These Cranberry Kettle Chips were festively, although irregularly, coated with reddish flavor dust. Perhaps it’s the lack of coverage that caused these chips to be completely under-flavored. They tasted mostly like kettle chips, with just a slight hint of sweet and a little tart at the end.

The sweet/tart mix is signature cranberry, but it wasn’t distinct or strong enough to distinguish it as that berry specifically. Honestly, I’m not heartbroken by this, as I don’t think cranberries belong on potato chips.

Turkey & Gravy Flavored Kettle Cooked Potato Chips

Boulder Canyon Thanksgiving Feast Kettle Cooked Potato Chips Turkey & Gravy Bag

Now we’re getting to the main course, because, really, who can resist diving into that turkey and pouring on the gravy? That’s a nice-lookin’ bird on that there bag. You might think turkey-flavored chips sound weird, but this ain’t my first rodeo in the “chips that taste like meat” department. It’s not always a good rodeo, but at least I know what I’m doing. I bet I can last eight seconds with these chips.

Boulder Canyon Thanksgiving Feast Kettle Cooked Potato Chips Turkey & Gravy

The little green flecks on these Turkey & Gravy chips were instantly inviting, and coated the chips much more evenly than the cranberry flavor dust did.

That’s not the only difference between the two – these chips were loaded with flavor, and completely spot-on. My mouth seriously felt like I was tasting gravy, and – I’m not sure if it was the spices they used, or what – but I could swear there was some turkey in there. They were incredibly salty, which is fine by me.

Turkey & Gravy Chips truly did taste like Thanksgiving to me, which is crazy. Boulder Canyon nailed this flavor, and I couldn’t be happier about it.

Stuffing Flavored Kettle Cooked Potato Chips

Boulder Canyon Thanksgiving Feast Kettle Cooked Potato Chips Stuffing Bag

Of course, you can’t have Thanksgiving without stuffing. I would lament the oversight of mashed potatoes in this bag of Thanksgiving Feast, but then I realized that I was eating potato chips, so, uh, I guess we kind of have that covered.

Stuffing gets a bit of a weird artistic interpretation on its bag. It looks more like a bowl of popcorn or maybe irregular cashews than stuffing, but hey. I have the highest hopes for this flavor, because stuffing is my favorite part of Thanksgiving dinner.

Boulder Canyon Thanksgiving Feast Kettle Cooked Potato Chips Stuffing

Much like Turkey & Gravy, Stuffing was covered encouragingly with green flecks. And also much like T&G, Stuffing did not disappoint.

Once again, I was in Thanksgiving heaven. The flavor profile was somewhat similar to Turkey & Gravy, but there were subtle and delicious differences. The ingredient list gave me no clues as to what they were using to flavor either of these chips – both just listed “spices” – but I swear, if you blindfolded me, I could tell the difference and identify each flavor.

Stuffing was a little less salty and less aggressive than T&G, but Boulder still nailed that classic side dish flavor.

Pumpkin Pie Flavored Kettle Cooked Potato Chips

Boulder Canyon Thanksgiving Feast Kettle Cooked Potato Chips Pumpkin Pie Bag

Much like at actual Thanksgiving, at this point I was getting pretty full. But there’s always room for dessert, right? I don’t know if I would say that in regards to pumpkin pie-flavored potato chips.

The bag showcases a slice of pie with whipped topping and a couple off cinnamon cloves. I must say, this was the flavor I was looking forward to least. Not only is it an inappropriate potato chip flavor, but I’m so sick of pumpkin spice-flavored products at this point in the season that I’m over it in any shape or form.

Boulder Canyon Thanksgiving Feast Kettle Cooked Potato Chips Pumpkin Pie

Unfortunately, Boulder Canyon got these Pumpkin Pie chips just right. Unlike the cranberry, the flavor was very prominent – the pumpkin, the cinnamon, even the sweetness of the whipped topping in the picture. Or just sweetness in general – in fact, they were very sweet, and that made them very nasty. I was glad I was already full, because I could only stomach a few of these chips. Blech.

I don’t want to end on that sour note, because all in all, I’m still in love with Boulder Canyon Thanksgiving Feast Potato Chips. So much attention to detail in the packaging, and so much attention to detail in the flavors themselves. The Cranberry fell short, but the Turkey & Gravy, Stuffing and Pumpkin Pie were all spot-on. That didn’t work so well on the last one, but I was transported to Thanksgiving heaven with the two savory flavors.

Jones Soda may have given up on the tradition of turning inappropriate foods into Thanksgiving flavors, but Boulder Canyon took the torch and ran with it, and I love ’em for it.

Boulder Canyon Thanksgiving Feast Kettle Cooked Potato Chips

  • Score: 5 out of 5 “I forgive you for the Pumpkin Pie”s
  • Price: $4.99
  • Size: A TURKEY
  • Purchased at: Target
  • Nutritional Quirk: If you eat all four bags of these chips in one sitting, you will probably be almost as full as you are after Thanksgiving dinner.

Sonic Vs. Wingstop Boneless Wings Taste Test

Sonic Vs. Wingstop Boneless Wings Taste Test Sonic Wingstop PackageWhen Sonic contacted me with the offer (challenge?) to take their Boneless Wings Taste Test, I was all about it. It’s a ballsy move, asking a food reviewer to compare their food side-by-side with another restaurant’s.

I was given the option to compare their new boneless wings to their equivalent at either Wingstop or Buffalo Wild Wings. I chose the former, only because it was closer. I’ve also never eaten at either of these establishments, nor have I tried Sonic’s Boneless Wings yet, so it’s gonna be fun and new!

Sonic Boneless Wings
Sonic Boneless Wings

Many chickens have given their boneless wings for this endeavor.

Wingstop Boneless Wings
Wingstop Boneless Wings

Of course, when a restaurant offers to sponsor your taste test, they include criteria. In this case, lots of criteria. So much so that I decided to take their criteria pretty much verbatim in this review. Things are gonna get technical up in this piece!

Let’s start with convenience.

  • Was the restaurant nearby?

Sonic wins this one, as my closest one is 0.7 miles away, and the closest Wingstop is 2.4 miles. Not exactly a harrowing journey across state lines, but hey.

  • How long did it take you to receive your wing order?

Wingstop allows you to order ahead online, and I was able to go in, grab my wings and leave in under two minutes. On the other hand, I did have to leave my car, which is a big minus in my eyes.

Sonic took a full 13 minutes from finishing my order (which took three tries; I’m not sure where the communication broke down over three orders of wings) to the end of transaction. That is not the fastest of food.

  • Were the wings still hot when you took your first bite?

Sonic’s wings weren’t steaming hot, but they were pleasantly warm when I ate them. My Wingstop wings were lukewarm at best, which surprised me, because they were wrapped inside a styrofoam container and placed inside a paper bag.

  • Did you make a big mess while eating the wings, or was it a relatively effortless and clean process?

This strikes me as a silly question. They’re wings! They’re messy! That said, Wingstop’s Original Hot were actually not very messy at all. Their Teriyaki and Hickory Smoked BBQ were a little bit saucier, but not swimming in it.

Sonic’s wings are “tossed and sauced”, and it showed. However, they also came with forks and napkins, which I would have appreciated had I been eating these in public. I like to keep it clean when other people are around.

Next, let’s go with value.

  • How was the serving size of the wings? How full were you after eating the wings

Sitting here with well over a dozen wings in front of me, it’s hard to answer this question with a straight face. However, Wingstop’s wings come in a minimum of ten pieces, which is an ample amount for one person. More than ample, really. Sonic’s smallest order is six pieces, which is just right for one person.

  • Could you make a meal of these wings with a side and a drink?

Both Sonic and Wingstop’s wing portions could easily have made a complete meal.

  • How was the price of these wings compared to the competition?

Broken down, Sonic’s wings cost $0.67 each, whereas Wingstop’s cost $0.60. However, their website advertises this as a “special”, so I don’t know if that’s their normal price or not.

Sauce! Obviously an important part of the wing experience.

  • Does the sauce flavor live up to what you expected?
Sonic Buffalo
Sonic Buffalo
Sonic Asian Sweet Chili
Sonic Asian Sweet Chili
Sonic Barbecue
Sonic Barbecue

Sonic’s Buffalo was a very straightforward buffalo sauce, having that signature Frank’s Red Hot flavor (not sure if that’s what they used, but it tasted very similar) with a little heat to it. So it did meet expectations. I had some trepidations about their Asian Sweet Chili, but I liked that the sweetness wasn’t overpowering, and they had a nice little kick. The Barbecue wings had a very mild but recognizable bbq sauce taste. So I would say they lived up to my expectations.

Wingstop Original Hot
Wingstop Original Hot
Wingstop Teriyaki
Wingstop Teriyaki
Wingstop Hickory Smoked BBQ
Wingstop Hickory Smoked BBQ

Wingstop’s Original Hot had an authentic buffalo flavor with a definite spicy kick. While not very saucy, the flavor was there. It had a different flavor than Frank’s, but was definitely flavorful. Their Teriyaki was tastier than I expected, having what I can only call the essence of umami. However, the sauce was so salty. It was like a reduced soy sauce. The Hickory Smoked BBQ totally surprised me – it was not too sweet and had a really nice BBQ flavor that didn’t taste like it was straight from a bottle (although I’m sure it was). It also had a good smoky flavor to it. In this arena, I’d say Wingstop actually exceeded my expectations.

  • Is this sauce flavor unique or different?

Wingstop’s Original Hot wasn’t really unique, but when I’m looking for a good wing, all I’m looking for is a good buffalo flavor with some heat. Teriyaki was a new wing flavor for me, so I did find it different, but just too salty to eat a whole serving. Hickory Smoked BBQ isn’t exactly a unique wing flavor either, but I did enjoy it.

Unfortunately, all three of Sonic’s sauce flavors were pretty typical. That doesn’t mean they were necessarily bad, just…expected.

  • Would you order this wing flavor again?

Sonic: Buffalo – yes, because I’m a sucker for buffalo. Asian Sweet Chili – no, because while the flavor was just fine, it’s just not my thing when it comes to wings. Barbecue – no, it was just too typical.

Wingstop: Original Hot – yeah, I like a good buffalo wing. Teriyaki – no, far too salty. Hickory Smoked BBQ – maybe, but I’ll pick buffalo over BBQ when it comes to wings, at least from a big name restaurant.

Quality: Kind of the point, right? Oh, they mean the quality of the chicken. Well, that’s also important.

  • How much meat is in each wing?

Wingstop’s wings ranged anywhere from nugget to almost bone-in wing size. I’m not exactly sure how to measure the amount of meat, but it was, uh, good? Sonic’s boneless wings measured about the same, maybe a teensy bit smaller, so also good?

  • What is the quality of the chicken?

Sonic claims they have all-white breast meat, and that seemed to be true. It definitely had that real chicken quality and not the mushed-up weirdness of nuggets. Wingstop has the exact same claim on their website, and they also didn’t have any fakeness in their wings.

  • How is the wing cooked? How is the texture?

The breading on Wingstop’s wings was nice and crunchy, but I have to say, the meat was a little dry. On the other hand, I found Sonic’s chicken to be juicier. Their breading was soggy in places, but this was probably due to the extra sauce on Sonic’s wings.

Overall taste. Now we’re getting down to it.

  • How did the wings taste?

Lordy, haven’t we covered this ad nauseum at this point?

  • Did you want to take another bite?

I did! Up until I’d eaten like, a million of them. Then I did not.

  • Would you recommend these wings to a friend?

Honestly, no, and I mean that in regards to both Sonic and Wingstop. Hey, guys, it’s nothing personal – in regards to Sonic, I just think they have better menu items on which to spend your money. As for Wingstop, it’s just that I know better places locally, so I’d wind up directing my friends in that direction.

And, finally, Sonic wanted to know my overall impression of the wings.

Well, Sonic, I have to say, I’ve never deconstructed chicken quite this thoroughly before. I think both had their highs and lows – I liked the crunchiness of Wingstop’s boneless wings better, but Sonic’s were juicier. Sonic’s sauce flavors were more pedestrian, but there was more of it, and Wingstop’s Teriyaki, while interesting, was just too salty.

And thus concludes the Sonic vs. Wingstop Boneless Wings Taste Test. I can’t say there was a clear winner, but what I can say is that I have never eaten so many boneless wings at one time. Guys I am so full.

News: Pizza Hut’s New Motto is “The Flavor of Now”; Set to Unleash Massive New Menu on 11/19/14

Pizza Hut by Roadsidepictures, on flickrOn Wednesday, November 19, 2014, Pizza Hut is adding new ingredients, sauces, crust flavors, sauce drizzles, and “Skinny” pizzas. They’re also changing their motto to “The Flavor of Now”. There’s a ton of new stuff going on. You can check it all out here, but I’ll try to break it down for you as succinctly as possible.

New Ingredients: Peruvian Cherry Peppers, Classic Meatballs, Fresh Spinach, Premium Salami, Sliced Banana Peppers

Sauce Choices: Classic Marinara, Premium Crushed Tomato, Creamy Garlic Parmesan, Honey Sriracha, Barbeque, Buffalo

Crust Flavors: Hut Favorite, Toasted Parmesan, Salted Pretzel, Honey Sriracha, Fiery Red Pepper, Toasted Cheddar, Toasted Asiago, Garlic Buttery Blend

Sauce Drizzles: Balsamic, Honey Sriracha, Barbeque, Buffalo

New Pizzas:

Garden Party – “Premium crushed tomato sauce topped with fresh green bell peppers, fresh red onions, fresh mushrooms, diced Roma tomatoes and fresh spinach. Flavored up with our Hut Favorite on the crust edge and a balsamic sauce drizzle.”

Old Fashioned Meatbrawl – “Classic marinara sauce topped with classic meatballs, fresh red onions and diced Roma tomatoes. Flavored up with our Hut Favorite on the crust edge.”

Cock-A-Doodle Bacon – “Creamy garlic Parmesan sauce topped with grilled chicken, hardwood smoked bacon and diced Roma tomatoes. Flavored up with toasted Parmesan on the crust edge.”

Hot and Twisted – “Premium crushed tomato sauce topped with premium salami, sliced jalapeño peppers and fresh red onions. Flavored up with a salted pretzel crust edge.”

Pretzel Piggy – “Creamy garlic Parmesan sauce topped with hardwood smoked bacon, fresh mushrooms and fresh spinach. Flavored up with a salted pretzel crust edge and balsamic sauce drizzle.”

BBQ Bacon Cheeseburger – “Barbeque sauce topped with classic meatballs, hardwood smoked bacon, fresh red onions and diced Roma tomatoes. Flavored up with toasted cheddar on the crust edge and a barbeque sauce drizzle.”

Giddy-Up BBQ Chicken – “Barbeque sauce topped with grilled chicken, hardwood smoked bacon and fresh red onions. Flavored up with toasted cheddar on the crust edge and a barbeque sauce drizzle.”

Buffalo State of Mind – “Buffalo sauce topped with grilled chicken, sliced banana peppers and fresh red onions. Flavored up with toasted cheddar on the crust edge and a Buffalo sauce drizzle.”

Cherry Pepper Bombshell – “Premium crushed tomato sauce topped with premium salami, Peruvian cherry peppers and fresh spinach. Flavored up with toasted Asiago on the crust edge and a balsamic sauce drizzle.”

7-Alarm Fire – “Premium crushed tomato sauce topped with pepperoni, sliced jalapeño peppers, Peruvian cherry peppers, sliced banana peppers and fresh green bell peppers. Flavored up with fiery red pepper on the crust edge.”

Sweet Sriracha Dynamite – “Honey Sriracha sauce topped with grilled chicken, sliced jalapeño peppers, sweet pineapple and Peruvian cherry peppers. Flavored up with honey Sriracha on the crust edge and a honey Sriracha sauce drizzle.”

Skinny Flavor Pizzas (250 calories or less per slice):

Skinny Beach – “Premium crushed tomato sauce topped with grilled chicken, fresh red onions, Peruvian cherry peppers and fresh spinach.”

Skinny with a Kick – “Premium crushed tomato sauce topped with pepperoni, sliced jalapeño peppers, Peruvian cherry peppers, fresh green bell peppers and fresh red onions. Flavored up with fiery red pepper on the crust edge.”

Skinny Italy – “Classic marinara sauce topped with classic meatballs, diced Roma tomatoes, fresh mushrooms, fresh red onions and fresh spinach. Flavored up with a balsamic sauce drizzle.”

Skinny Luau – “Premium crushed tomato sauce topped with grilled chicken, slow-roasted ham, fresh green bell peppers and sweet pineapple.”

Skinny Club – “Creamy garlic Parmesan sauce topped with grilled chicken, slow-roasted ham, diced Roma tomatoes and fresh spinach. Flavored up with toasted Asiago on the crust edge.”

Pizza Hut’s website notes that the calorie reduction of their Skinny Flavors is “based on a thinner crust and balanced portion of toppings”, which says to me that either their toppings are sadly sparse or their regular toppings are completely unbalanced.

Phew! Are you guys still with me?

I don’t think I’ve ever seen an overhaul this drastic from a fast food restaurant, well, ever. All of Pizza Hut’s Classic Flavor pizzas are also still available, and obviously, you can mix and match new and old to your heart’s content.

I never thought I’d say this, but I’m excited to order from Pizza Hut! There are so many choices, the mind boggles. I’m also very curious to see how these changes effect Pizza Hut’s sales in the future.

As stated, all this rolls out on November 19, 2014. If you like, let me know what you think of the new menu!

Kraft Philadelphia Bacon Cream Cheese

Kraft Philadelphia Bacon Cream Cheese PackageWhen Kraft came out with two new Philadelphia Cream Cheese flavors last year, Spicy Jalapeño and Chipotle, I was over the moon. Not a fan of sweet cream cheese flavors and immensely bored with the other savory options, I was hoping they would be the answer to my prayers.

And they were! They were fabulous flavors, and I continue to consume them to this day. They’re pretty much the only cream cheese flavors that have graced my bagels since.

But now Philadelphia has a new savory flavor: Bacon. Which leads me to say something I never thought I’d say – I’m tired of bacon.

Please, put down your Internet weapons! And by that I mean, your comments. Listen, I love bacon. I will always love bacon. But you can’t just throw bacon into everything. I mean, you can, but that doesn’t mean you should. Bacon mints. Bacon gum. Devices that will turn bacon into a cup.

Okay, if somebody offered me a bacon cup, I can’t say I’d turn it down. But people are just baconing for the sake of bacon, these days. The Internet is beating a dead pig.

Of course, after all this bitching and moaning, here I am, reviewing bacon cream cheese. Does this qualify as bacon for the sake of bacon? Quite possibly. On the other hand, I am happy to see another savory flavor offering on the shelves. Hey, if it tastes good, it tastes good. I’m not going to complain just to sound too cool for bacon.

The package says this cream cheese is made with real bacon and shows tantalizing strips of bacon on it, but upon inspection of the ingredients, it contains, more specifically, “bacon bits”. While these still technically qualify as bacon, I was highly disappointed upon reading this.

Kraft Philadelphia Bacon Cream Cheese

My trepidation only grew as I opened the package. Ignore the yellow fluid – that just happens with cream cheese. What really got me was that there were no visible chunks of bacon; just little black flecks on the surface.

My first bite confirmed my fears and suspicions. The cream cheese had a very fake-tasting bacon flavor to it; if you’ve ever had a sour cream-based jarred bacon dip, it’s similar to that flavor. I attribute this to the liquid smoke used, presumably to “enhance” your flavor experience.

Kraft Philadelphia Bacon Cream Cheese Bacon Bits

The bacon bits are, well, bacon bits. Big enough that there’s a noticeable change in texture, but not big enough for your mouth to actually register it as bacon. Basically, just the right size for getting stuck in your teeth and being annoying.

Despite all this negativity, I continued to eat the stuff. Ugh, this always happens. I blame it on the cream cheese, which I love so very much. I’ll keep eating cream cheese even if whatever it’s flavored with is sub-par.

If I were to recommend this cream cheese at all, I’d recommend it more as a cracker dip than a bagel spread. That said, I can’t in good faith recommend it for anything. The cream cheese itself is so fakony in flavor, tasting mostly like liquid smoke and sadness, and the bacon bits are small and “real” only in the vaguest of terms.

I guess if you enjoy that faux-bacon flavor, then you’d enjoy Philadelphia Bacon Cream Cheese. For me, this was a disappointing addition to the savory Philadelphia line, and it will not be gracing my fridge shelves again. I’m sticking with my Spicy Jalapeño and Chipotle, which both taste like and contain said ingredients.

Kraft Philadelphia Bacon Cream Cheese

  • Score: 1 out of 5 bacon bits stuck in my teeth
  • Price: $2.49
  • Size: 8 oz. tub
  • Purchased at: Fry’s Food
  • Nutritional Quirks: “Rendered bacon fat” is listed as an ingredient, which sounds gross, but I wish I could taste rendered bacon fat in this.

Fearsome Foursome: Snak King Fright Bites Tortilla Chips, Jones Limited Edition Blood Orange Soda, Hershey’s Candy Corn Bar, Seattle Chocolates Dead Sea Salt Milk Chocolate Truffle Bar with Sea Salt and Toffee

Snak King Fright Bites Tortilla Chips Bag Jones Blood Orange Soda Hershey's Candy Corn Bar Seattle Chocolates Dead Sea Salt BarHappy Halloween, everybody! I mentioned this before, but I didn’t get to review nearly the amount of stuff I wanted to review this month. And now, here we are, on the holiday itself. So get ready for a MEGA REVIEW.

Well, it’s not really mega, but I’m going to do short reviews of four different Halloween items. OooOOOOooo procrastination.

Snak King Fright Bites Tortilla Chips

Snak King Fright Bites Tortilla Chips Bag

I was so pleasantly surprised when I saw these at the store. Like I said in my Cheetos review, savory snacks just don’t get the spooky treatment like candy does, so this item deserves a shout-out. Way to go, Snak King. You are such a leader that you add “King of Snacks” underneath your logo, just in case people weren’t clear on that.

The bag itself is wonderfully spooky, with a strange, flat-topped vampire child, a ghost who appears very surprised or even scared by said vampire’s hair, a freaked-out tree, a happy Jack O’Lantern and a tombstone. Love it.

Snak King Fright Bites Tortilla Chips

And look at those goddamn chips. I expected to have a hard time finding properly shaped/intact examples, but a large amount of them were in this pristine condition. Not even a regular bag of Tostitos can accomplish that easily.

Of course, the color doesn’t effect the taste at all, and they’re actually decent as a tortilla chip. I expected the quality of the chip itself to suffer, but they were well-salted and on par with any other name-brand tortilla chip.

The only quibble I have is that they’re a little too lightweight to do any heavy lifting, like a salsa or guacamole. They worked well with cheese dip, with little eye hole leakage.

But who cares about that when you’ve got tortilla chips shaped like ghosts, pumpkins and bats, and all appropriately colored? If you’re not putting Fright Bites out at your Halloween party, you are clinically insane.

Jones Limited Edition Blood Orange Soda

Jones Limited Edition Blood Orange Soda Can

Apparently Jones released this can design and flavor last year also, but I missed it, so here we are. There were four available flavors and cans last year, but this year they only went with two – this and the zombie-themed Caramel Apple, which they were out of when I went to the store. This is probably for the best.

Count Vlah manages to look mildly scary but also comical at the same time, going with a bow tie instead of the traditional wrap around…thing fastened by an amulet. I just realized I have no idea what the hell that thing is called, if it even has a name. Maybe we should call this guy Professor Vlah instead.

Jones Limited Edition Blood Orange Soda

When I started pouring the soda into the glass, I almost had a spastic freakout because the soda looked pink. I could already imagine the thousand-word essay I would spew onto this page about how dare Jones make a Blood Orange soda pink and blah blah vlah. Fortunately for both myself and you, the end result was actually the appropriate shade of bright orange.

Jones Limited Edition Blood Orange Soda tastes like if orange Fanta grew up and moved out of its parents’ house. It’s mostly a regular orange soda, but the addition of real sugar that Jones always uses makes it much more clean and…mature, if you could possibly use such an adjective for orange soda. It also seemed a little more tart than other orange sodas.

I know a lot of people aren’t fans of orange soda, and Jones Blood Orange probably isn’t going to change your mind on that. But if you are a fan of the beverage, you’ll enjoy this iteration. Plus, you get to drink out of a vampire’s head.

Hershey’s Candy Corn Bar

Hershey's Candy Corn Bar Wrapper

This is a new item this Halloween, but just the idea of it didn’t thrill me. Oh boy, more candy corn in stuff that isn’t candy corn, which in itself already sucks!

I was also not thrilled by this packaging. It’s like Hershey’s either didn’t try at all, or tried too hard to look minimal and retro. If the latter is true, no kid is going to appreciate the effort. You’d score 1,000 more points by just throwing a zombie candy corn on the package. Instead, we get…stripes.

I guess the official name of this is Hershey’s Candy Corn Candy Corn Creme with Candy Bits. While that’s redundant, it did actually shatter my misconception that this was going to be white chocolate with candy corn bits. This only increased my trepidation.

Hershey's Candy Corn Bar

I gotta say, however, that the flavor really did surprise me. It took me a second to pin it down, because it wasn’t the generic, plastic candy corn taste I was expecting. It turns out that Hershey’s Candy Corn bar tastes a hell of a lot like cotton candy!

I have to assume this was a happy accident. I mean, I would have been a hell of a lot more stoked to see Hershey’s Cotton Candy, but that’s exactly what Hershey’s Candy Corn is.

It made my mouth confused, then happy, but then kind of sad again, because holy shit is this candy sweet. I ate one snack-sized bar and I felt overloaded with cloying sweetness. Also, while you can see the decorative little orange and yellow bits in the bar, they add nothing to the taste or texture. It would have been fun to have little crunchy bits in there.

So I wasn’t completely disgusted by Hershey’s Candy Corn bar, but that’s only because it tasted nothing like candy corn. If I got this in my trick-or-treat bucket, I’d probably toss it to the side, never to be seen again, and I’d never know that it tasted like cotton candy and ten pounds of sugar. Missed opportunity, Hershey’s.

Seattle Chocolates Dead Sea Salt Milk Chocolate Truffle Bar with Sea Salt and Toffee

Seattle Chocolates Dead Sea Salt Milk Chocolate Truffle Bar with Sea Salt and Toffee Wrapper

After eating Hershey’s, this sure does sound like some fancypants shit, doesn’t it! Truffles and sea salt and toffee, oh my!

I don’t usually go for these fancy chocolate bars, mostly because I’m not a chocolate fanatic, and also because I usually have enough sweets laying around from reviews to satiate any cravings I may have. But this guy was just too good to pass up.

Despite the muted color scheme, the eye is immediately drawn to this chocolate bar’s wrapper. It’s called Dead Sea Salt, and there’s a dancing skeleton on it! There’s also a cat, and like, fifteen different spooky fonts with random Halloweeny words like “bloodcurdling” and “fangs”. It almost looks like a geocities website, but somehow, the clutter totally works.

Seattle Chocolates Dead Sea Salt Milk Chocolate Truffle Bar with Sea Salt and Toffee

…Suffice to say that all the effort went into the packaging.

Seattle Chocolates Dead Sea Salt Milk Chocolate Truffle Bar with Sea Salt and Toffee Inside

No matter though, because that’s what made me buy the bar, so I guess it’s working! As for the taste itself, Seattle Chocolates brings the quality. The chocolate is rich, smooth and creamy, and there are crunchy toffee bits throughout that add great flavor and texture. The hint of salt is there just to add some flavor depth and a nice aftertaste.

That last sentence was me completely talking out of my ass. I don’t understand anything about fancy chocolates. I don’t even know where the “truffle” part came in. I just know that chocolate good, toffee good. Good bar. Good wrapper. Fangs.

Phew! While I wish I’d been able to spread this out over the month, I gotta say, marathoning it all out on Halloween day certainly got me in the spirit! Have a happy Halloween, boils and ghouls!

Cheetos Bag of Bones White Cheddar

Cheetos Bag of Bones White Cheddar BagThis is not so much a review as it is a celebration of what I think is the best new thing to come around this Halloween. The month is almost over and I haven’t gotten to do nearly as much as I wanted, but this item deserves to shine.

Guys, it’s a Bag of Bones!

I have always felt like the savory snacks get sorely neglected every holiday season. It’s all about the candy. But why?! Come Halloween, the best you can usually hope for is some holiday-themed snack bags to give out to trick-or-treaters.

But Cheetos has gone all out with their Bag of Bones. You’ve got all the parts to make your own skeleton – skull, ribcage, generic connector bones, and hands/feet. The hands and feet are the same, but hey. I got no bones to pick with that. You know I was going to go there.

I’m not here to talk about the quality of these Cheetos – if you’re looking for that, they’re the same as these Winter White Cheddar Cheetos in both flavor and texture, except that they’re shaped like skeleton parts so they’re 1,000 times more awesome.

So I, a grown woman, spent an afternoon playing with Cheetos. Here are just a few things I came up with. Yes, I actually made more shapes than this, but didn’t even photograph them. I did it purely for the joy of Halloween Cheetos.

Cheetos Bag of Bones White Cheddar Joe Bones

Here we have Joe Bones, the original skeleton as pictured on the front of the bag. I tried to make sure his fingers actually pointed in an anatomically correct manner. Can’t say as I accomplished this feat (or feet, as it were), since some of the digits were broken off and…well, it’s a Cheeto, so.

Cheetos Bag of Bones White Cheddar Slim Jim

This is Slim Jim. I wanted to give him extra leg bones, but I ran out of room. These Cheetos are deceptively large. Slim is about two feet taller than all the other skeletons, due to actually having a neck. He is the star center on the basketball team at Monster University. He can also palm the ball. Which is a severed human head.

Cheetos Bag of Bones White Cheddar Duane Bradley Belial

This is Duane Bradley and his parasitic twin, Belial. Pretty self-explanatory.

Cheetos Bag of Bones White Cheddar Bette Dot

We shall call these…this…her? Bette and Dot, keeping with this year’s theme on American Horror Story. I figured I needed to include a strong female presence. Hm, they should have made Cheeto pelvises. That would have been fun.

Cheetos Bag of Bones White Cheddar Spider

I think this is my favorite. It’s also the scariest, if you can make puffed corn snacks actually scary. It doesn’t have a name, it just wants to eat you. It also took a while to find all those bone parts, since they are smaller and thus sunk to the bottom of the bag. I had to eat my way through a lot of rib cages and skulls to collect them all. It was a labor of love, and cheese powder.

Well, there you have it! I declare Cheetos Bag of Bones White Cheddar a fabulous break from all the Halloween sweets out there. They’re tasty, they’re fun, and they’re not candy. Bag of Bones is the best.

Lay’s Do Us a Flavor Finalist: Wavy Mango Salsa Potato Chips

Lay's Do Us a Flavor Finalist Wavy Mango Salsa Potato Chips BagThis here is #3 of 4 in Lay’s Do Us a Flavor Finalists 2014. That’s not their numbering; it’s mine. As in, “this will probably be the third least delicious flavor”, or, alternatively, “this will be the third best contender for grossness”. I’m starting to confuse myself, so let’s just move on.

Wavy Mango Salsa comes to you courtesy of Julia Stanley-Metz, whose profile picture looks like she’d be perfectly at home shilling Flameless Candles on QVC. She’s an event planner and “avid yogi”, which always makes me think of Yogi Bear and not flexible people. Hey Boo-Boo! Let’s steal those Wavy Mango Chips from that pic-a-nic basket!

When not busy running from Ranger Smith, Julia enjoys cooking with her family, and credits many of her culinary creations to her husband, who “loves to experiment”. Oh, sorry, “loves to experiment with flavors”. Right.

The family partakes in Taco Tuesday, of which I approve, and her experiment-loving husband makes “the most amazing” mango salsa. So shouldn’t her husband be the one submitting this flavor? Perhaps he was too busy “experimenting”.

Julia’s fun fact is that she’s been to Madagascar while volunteering for Habitat for Humanity. This is by far the most interesting Flavor Finalist Fun Fact I’ve read so far, and it shows that Julia is a humanitarian. I see your ploy, Julia, trying to win the hearts and minds of America with your volunteer work. Well, it’s not going to work on me. I’m just here for the chips.

Lay's Do Us a Flavor Finalist Wavy Mango Salsa Potato Chips

As mentioned, Mango Salsa got the Wavy treatment, which seems appropriate, since Wavy Lay’s are more dip-friendly than their regular, more fragile counterpart. Not that these were made specifically for dipping; it just seems to fit thematically.

When I first opened the bag, I smelled nothing but regular ol’ potato chips. I found this odd, seeing as how you’d think mango salsa chips would have an odor, like maybe mango, or salsa. Call me crazy.

But boy, how things changed with the first chip passed my lips. Here’s what my brain did upon first crunch: OH GOD MANGO SO MUCH MANGO JUST POTATOES AND MANGO

Seriously, there was a lot of mango.

In what is turning into a disturbing trend with Do Us a Flavors, Lay’s completely nailed the taste of mango, and I wish they wouldn’t have. The bright, tropical flavor of mango was right at the forefront, so much so that you could almost feel the flesh of the fruit itself.

After a few more chips, I started to taste hints of the salsa portion of mango salsa. They were very subtle, but I could detect some onion and garlic powder. These do not a salsa make, however. It felt like they were added as an afterthought.

Potatoes and mango, together at never should have been. I’ve had some real mango salsas that were pretty tasty, but Lay’s Wavy Mango Salsa Potato Chips did not accurately reflect the real thing. They nailed the mango, and then proceeded to hammer the shit out of it, but missed the mark on the salsa. If you think the idea of tropical fruit-flavored potato chips is appealing, then these may be right up your alley, but I’m putting these back in the pic-a-nic basket.

Lay’s Do Us a Flavor Finalist: Wavy Mango Salsa Potato Chips

  • Score: 1.5 out of 5 Boo-Boos
  • Price: $1.49
  • Size: 2 7/8 oz. bag
  • Purchased at: 7-Eleven #21821
  • Nutritional Quirk: 1 serving (1 ounce) of these chips contains 9 grams of fat, which is significantly less healthy than actual mango salsa.

Lay’s Do Us a Flavor Finalist: Kettle Cooked Wasabi Ginger Potato Chips

Lay's Do Us a Flavor Finalist Kettle Cooked Wasabi Ginger Potato Chips BagThis year, Do Us a Flavor is branching out to include some of their different varieties of chips. For Wasabi Ginger, we get Kettle Cooked. This seems like a random combination, but I’m okay with it.

Wasabi Ginger is the brainchild of Meneko Spigner McBeth, who may not win the contest but definitely wins “Best Finalist Name”. She’s a registered nurse in Philadelphia, so she can help you out if you choke on her Wasabi Ginger potato chips. Just a little Heimlich and you’re right as rain.

Meneko’s grandmother apparently used to make her sushi by hand when she was growing up, which both melts my heart a little and makes me extremely jealous. So now we know why she came up with this flavor.

Meneko’s fun fact is that her friends have dubbed her “The Clearance Queen” because she always finds the best bargains. This is what your fun fact is when you have three kids. This is what your life becomes. Also, I hope she doesn’t buy clearance sushi because that’s gross.

I’m not sure what the methodology was in deciding what flavor got what kind of chip, but kettle seems to suit Wasabi Ginger just fine. Lay’s kettle chips aren’t the best on the market, but they’re passable. Also, this doesn’t seem like a flavor made for dipping, so the sometimes-crumpled-up nature of the kettle chip won’t be a hindrance.

Lay's Do Us a Flavor Finalist Kettle Cooked Wasabi Ginger Potato Chips

Wasabi Ginger was off to a good start when it hit my taste buds. The distinctive taste of wasabi was strong and spot-on. I’m using the term “wasabi” liberally, because when you eat sushi, the majority of the time you’re getting horseradish-wasabi, not actual wasabi.

Let’s just say that the wasabi you know was the wasabi that was represented in this chip. Strong enough to be delicious, but not so strong that my sinuses exploded.

I also detected a hint of soy sauce, which was a great compliment to the flavoring.

This all sounds like it’s going great, which it was, but then the ginger hit. Once again, we go back to Lay’s totally nailing the flavor, but it being a double-edged sword. After the lovely soft-burn of the wasabi, I was suddenly bestowed the flavor of those thin-sliced pieces of ginger that are served with sushi.

I did a quick Google search to verify that ginger is served as a palate-cleanser (answer: yes) and Wikipedia taught me that the actual term for it is gari, and this also reminded me of an important disclaimer:

Dear readers, I know that the definition of sushi, sushi-eating, and pretty much everything related to sushi are hotly debated. Please do not bring this debate here. We are talking about Lay’s potato chips. Give me some leeway.

Okay, got off on a tangent there. The point here is that I was perfectly happy enjoying my wasabi chips, and then the pickled ginger came along and made everything wonky. Ginger is refreshing, but “refreshing” is not really a quality I’m looking for in a potato chip.

While I was initially put off by this, I found myself continuing to eat Lay’s Kettle Cooked Wasabi Ginger Potato Chips. The wasabi and soy sauce combo was fantastic, and these would easily be a winner in my book if the ginger hadn’t come along. That said, it didn’t deter me enough to not finish the bag.

These chips really do a great job of emulating the whole sushi package. Chalk it up to umami, I guess? Honestly, this is one of the most unique Frito-Lay flavors I’ve tasted that doesn’t seem to be designed to be purposefully disgusting. If I had my druthers, these wouldn’t win the Do Us a Flavor contest, and then Lay’s would immediately turn around and come out with Kettle Cooked Wasabi Soy Sauce Potato Chips. Now that is something I would buy again.

Lay’s Do Us a Flavor Finalist: Kettle Cooked Wasabi Ginger Potato Chips

  • Score: 3.5 out of 5 unwanted sushi debates
  • Price: $1.49
  • Size: 2 7/8 oz. bag
  • Purchased at: 7-Eleven #21821
  • Nutritional Quirk: The label claims it contains actual wasabi. Hm!

Lay’s Do Us a Flavor Finalist: Cappuccino Potato Chips

Lay's Do Us a Flavor Finalist Cappuccino  Potato Chips BagLay’s is at it again with another “Do Us a Flavor” contest. The first one garnered a lot of attention, and the winner wound up being Cheesy Garlic Bread, which was surely better than Chicken & Waffles, but more boring than Sriracha, although those didn’t even taste like- you know what, not going to get into that again.

Here’s the thing, though – after the contest was over, they continued to sell all three of the flavors in stores. I feel like Lay’s betrayed us. How can I trust them again after that? What’s the point of a contest if all the flavors are just going to wind up on the shelves anyways?

Well, regardless, I feel it is my duty to cover this round of flavor finalists. This time there are four instead of three. I shall be covering all four, and I figured I shouldn’t bury the lead. So here we go, with cappuccino-flavored potato chips.

Cappuccino is, of course, is the crazywacky entry for Do Us a Flavor. There’s one in every batch. It’s the flavor that will never win, but that everyone will talk about for the weirdness factor.

I predict this will be the worst flavor, which is kind of like predicting the sky will be blue tomorrow morning. I bet it will also get a ton of votes, because people on the Internet are ridiculous, but I’m also sure this whole voting thing is rigged, so it doesn’t matter. Again: the Internet.

While we don’t get pictures or quotes on the bags this time, we get even more detail this year on the voting website.

Meet Chad Scott, a visiting lecturer at the University of Nevada, Las Vegas. Now you know exactly where to send your angry letters after eating his chips. What does he lecture on? I have no idea, but “creating awful chip flavors” seems the most obvious guess.

He apparently submitted this flavor because “cappuccino is his lifeblood”. I hope tasting his own chip creation does not turn him off of his lifeblood forever, because then he will die.

Each flavor finalist has a “fun fact”, and Chad’s is that he didn’t like his name as a youth so he introduced himself as Corey. This is more weird than fun, and raises many questions. Why Corey? Where did Corey come from? Was Corey more charismatic than Chad? Would Corey have taken a life path divergent from Chad, one that led him away from thinking cappuccino-flavored potato chips was a good idea? Maybe I should write a letter.

Okay, time to get to the chips. I guess. Do I have to, mom?

Lay's Do Us a Flavor Finalist Cappuccino  Potato Chips

Upon opening the bag, all I could smell was that familiar Lay’s potato chip odor. But I was not fooled. The flavor dust looked exactly as you’d expect – a brown, speckled dusting that spoke of things to come.

I’m a little confused as to whether or not I should praise Lay’s for this next statement. Cappuccino Potato Chips tasted exactly as they’re supposed to. It’s so ridiculously easy to describe: take a bag of regular Lay’s, sprinkle in one of those high-end instant coffees (something like Starbucks VIA comes to mind), and you’ve got these chips.

What makes this especially detrimental is that this isn’t straight coffee, so more than the flavor of that caffeinated beverage, you get prominent notes of milk and sickly sweet vanilla. These are not things that you want to taste on your salty potato chip.

So Lay’s nailed the flavor, but, as we’ve seen in the past, this is not always a good thing. Cappuccino is a great example of that. While they weren’t so bad that they made me gag, they were disgustingly sweet and I threw them away as soon as I’d nailed down the flavor profile, which was quickly.

Oh, by the way, Lay’s wants you to know very firmly that these potato chips do not contain caffeine. That’s a shame, because that would have been the only redeeming quality about these chips. Unless vanilla-milk-coffee-flavored chips are your thing. Which they shouldn’t be.

Lay’s Do Us a Flavor Finalist: Cappuccino Potato Chips

  • Score: 1 out of 5 mysterious visiting lectures
  • Price: $1.49
  • Size: 2 7/8 oz. bag
  • Purchased at: 7-Eleven #21821
  • Nutritional Quirk: No caffeine. Lame.

Junk food and fast food reviews from a leftist perspective. We eat it so you don't have to!