By now, you’ve probably heard about the new Carl’s Jr./Hardee’s Southwest Patty Melt. Or maybe you haven’t, because you were too busy watching Kate Upton have sex with it. Carl’s obviously knows how to generate press: the news was all aflutter about the commercial; some called it sexy, some called it disgusting. I call it fodder for a review, because while I was actually rather excited to try something I’m reviewing (for once), let’s face it: the commercial is more interesting than the burger.

Let’s have some fun and examine all the different ways Kate Upton has sex with the Southwest Patty Melt!

Kate is sitting at a movie drive-in, in what looks like an already sexy classic convertible. He date is a Happy Star bag. The idea that Kate Upton couldn’t get a date to quietly have under-blanket sex with during the movie is almost as improbable as the idea that she found a drive-in movie lot that still exists.

But Kate doesn’t want to bonk a dude; she wants to eat a Southwest Patty Melt. Her first position is oral; she bites into the sandwich, practically having to unhinge her jaw like a snake in the process, creating a sound that’s more like someone stepping on a slug than eating a burger.

She lets her hair down like a sexy librarian; sweat beads up on her chest and she takes her sweater off, making for a completely obvious but really who cares about that tit shot.

Kate Upton is suddenly transported to the back seat of the vehicle, where she is sitting on top of the seats with the Happy Star Bag between her legs. It is a very unladylike position, as her legs are spread quite far apart and she is wearing a dress. I guess the Happy Star bag is going down on her? Perhaps they are performing the sexual act known as the Leg Lock. I have a friend to thank for going out on the Internet and finding the actual name of that position. I also now know the names of 77 different sexual positions, and I think I’m going to have to take up yoga.

Up next, Kate Upton is eating her burger while laying down in the backseat of the convertible, which I would not recommend as it seems that would present quite the choking hazard. Her legs are resting on the top of the door and the Happy Star is once again between her legs. I would call this missionary style, which is so pedestrian, but hey, sometimes you gotta get back to the basics.

At the end of the commercial, she’s just kind of sitting in a sexy model pose, and takes another slow, juicy bite out of the sandwich. I am assuming this is her version of the post-coital cigarette.

Oh, we’re not done. There’s another commercial on Carl’s Jr.’s website that I’d like to touch on briefly, much like how many of you would like to touch on Kate Upton. Or yourselves, after watching that commercial. Ugh I just grossed myself out.

I can’t identify the woman in this commercial, but she also appears to be able to unhinge her jaw, and porn music plays while some audio geek in the studio steps on another poor slug as we get a close-up of her biting into the giant Southwest Patty Melt. She makes her best O-face, then bites into a jalapeño and does that thing with her hands that you do when something is too hot, while her mouth does a weird thing like she’s about to suck on…you know what, this review is already incredibly raunchy, so I’ll let you readers finish that sentence.

Then some text comes up that says…JALAPEN-O-FACE?! Oh my god, I made the same joke that Carl’s Jr. did, but they made it even better by throwing in a pun. I am shamed.

Well, it can only go upward from here, folks. Let’s just talk about the burger.

I figured I would enjoy the Southwest Patty Melt from the moment I heard about it. I already enjoy Carl’s Jalapeno Burger, and I prefer sourdough bread over a hamburger bun, so I was pretty psyched.

Never change, Carsl's.

 

And the Southwest Patty Melt delivers, for the most part. Carl’s describes it as “A charbroiled beef patty, with sliced jalapeños, grilled onions, pepper-Jack cheese and spicy Santa Fe sauce, all on grilled sourdough bread.” The bread was a little smushed, which is to be expected in fast food, but it was sufficiently toasted. The sauce was plentiful and tasty, but more tangy than spicy. The cheese was melty, and paired well with the sauce.

The grilled onions didn’t really add much flavor; there also wasn’t very much of them. The most important omission, however, were the jalapeños. As you can see in the picture, mine came with only three, and one of those was a small end piece. In a sandwich, and a commercial, that puts emphasis on a certain ingredient, having a serious lack of that ingredient is a big misstep.

All in all, I enjoyed the Southwest Patty Melt. I liked the bread, Carl’s always delivers a decent burger, and the cheese and the sauce combined were creamy and added a little heat. While I actually didn’t mind the lacking/flavorlessness of the grilled onions, the lack of jalapeños was the really disappointing part. Like with any fast food, I could order it again and get a ton of them, but I can only go off of my experience, and three jalapeños just ain’t cutting it.

In conclusion, I’d like to apologize to my mom for what is probably the raunchiest review I’ve ever written. I blame Carl’s Jr for turning a burger into a sex act.

Carl’s Jr. Southwest Patty Melt

  • Score: 4 out of 5 Kate Upton-on-burger sex acts
  • Price: $3.49 (for the single patty version)
  • Size: 1 burger
  • Purchased at: Carl’s Jr. #828
  • Nutritional Quirks: Have some water handy, because the single patty Southwest Patty Melt contains 1,460 mg of sodium. The Six Dollar version contains a whopping 1,970 mg.

So Good also reviewed the Southwest Patty Melt (and got 17 jalapeño slices!), as did GrubGrade, Brand Eating and An Immovable Feast.