“Hey Sharon, happy February 14th! I mean, fuck Valentine’s Day, right?”
“Well Carol, it’s my first Valentine’s Day without John, so I’m feeling-”
“It’s just a stupid Hallmark holiday anyways, amirite?”
“I mean, it’s my first Valentine’s Day without him, so I-”
“You know what? We should have an anti-Valentine’s Day girls’ night out! That’s right, I said anti!” How awesome would that be?”
“Carol, I’m not really feeling up to-”
“And to celebrate, I got all my gal pals these. Screw guys, amirite? We’re gonna do so many shoooooots!”
[quiet sobbing as Sharon holds her Fries Before Guys]
And that little play was pretty much what I thought of when I first saw Fries Before Guys. Listen, I get it. I don’t celebrate Valentine’s Day. I have a person that I love deeply (gross) and for one V-day we went to the shooting range (interesting and informative) but ultimately, it’s just a day. I won’t go on preaching, because to be perfectly honest I have another review to write because I’m a slave to consumerism who will buy any new Valentine’s-
These things aren’t really designed for the taste, but just for the hell of it, here you go: it’s pretty weird to eat a marshmallow french fry. The taste and texture is sort of like you went cheap and got generic marshmallows instead of good ol’ Kraft Jet-Puffed, and if there’s any vanilla there, I couldn’t detect it. It was just a spongy, vaguely sugary fry thing.
And that’s it; that’s the gimmick. The real crime here is that there’s no “ketchup” packet to go with my “fries”. What are fries without ketchup? (I personally don’t like ketchup but the rest of the country disagrees, so I’m going with it.) This hokey candy might have won my heart if it came with a little packet of, say, raspberry syrup. That would have put it waaaay over the top.
Happy Anti-Valentine’s Day!
Galerie Fries Before Guys Marshmallow Fries
- Score: 1 out of 5 sobbing Sharons
- Price: $1.79
- Size: 2.65 oz.
- Purchased at: Target
- Nutritional Quirk: It’s a marshmallow. It’s sugar.