Junk Food Betty’s 2nd Birthday and Arby’s Gift Card Giveaway Winners!

It is time to announce the winners of both my 2nd birthday giveaway and the Arby’s gift card giveaway! Thank you to everyone who left a comment on either of these. I especially enjoyed reading all of your junk food creations. Some of them were disgusting, but some of them actually sounded pretty darn good. Way to use your imaginations, readers!

Without further adieu, the winners:

JFB 2nd Birthday Winner: Stacy! Your chocolate-covered Doritos may come true, some day.

Congratulations! I will be contacting you via email to get your shipping address. You’ll soon be receiving a box with some…interesting junk food items inside. MUAHAHAHA I mean I hope you enjoy them!

Arby’s Gift Card Winner: Chris Bustamante! Enjoy your $20 of shaved beef!

Congratulations! Again, I will be contacting you via email for your shipping address.

Welp, that was fun! I’ve never done a giveaway before, let alone two. I hope to do it again in the future. Thank you all for reading Junk Food Betty; I hope to see you on my 3rd birthday!

Arby’s Gift Card Giveaway!

Hot on the heels of JFB’s birthday contest (which I should have called a giveaway but whatever), here’s another giveaway! Arby’s is celebrating their new Cool Deli Sandwich, and they have graciously decided to give one Junk Food Betty reader a $20 gift card!

To enter, leave a comment on this post. I won’t even make you do anything this time. Just comment. Maybe on the weather, or your local sports team. Whatever happens to be on your mind. I’m not here to judge; I’m here to listen. And give away a gift card.

Giveaway ends Friday, July 22, at 12:00pm PST. Hey, that’s the same date and time JFB’s birthday contest ends! What a crazy coincidence. I will post the winner to both giveaways on Monday, July 25. Winner will be chosen completely at random. Good luck!

All of this and more could be yours...

Happy 2nd Birthday, Junk Food Betty!

It’s Junk Food Betty’s 2nd birthday! And to celebrate, I’m doing my very first contest. What’s the prize? How about a package full of random junk food! It’ll be a wide variety of awesome, including some stuff you may not find in your own local stores.

How do you enter? Leave a comment on this post describing a fake weird/random/disgusting/magical junk food of your own design. It doesn’t have to be long; it just has to be. The winner will be chosen at random; fabulous or a flop, your comment will have an equal chance at winning.

Comments have to be posted by 12:00pm PST Friday, July 22, 2011. I will announce the winner the next Monday (July 25, for those of you who don’t know how to read a calendar). Make sure to enter your email address in the email field so that I can contact the winner.

Can’t wait to read your wacky creations! Help me celebrate JFB’s birthday!

Denny’s Tour of America: Midwestern Meat & Potatoes Sandwich

I recently found myself sitting alone in a booth at Denny’s. This is unusual for me; I can’t even remember the last time I was in a restaurant by myself. I wasn’t there for the food; I was there to meet the private investigator I hired to sleuth out what the next crazy fast food trends would be. I also had him researching the best way to sneak the Chilito back onto Taco Bell’s menu.

Okay, that’s obviously a lie. (Or is it? Some people will go to great lengths to find a Chilito.) I was there because my car was across the street at the mechanic’s, and I figured it would be more comfortable to wait somewhere where I could sit in a comfy booth and have some food and coffee, rather than sitting on a hard chair in the repair waiting room that smelled like rubber tires and man sweat.

Out of all these reasons, food was, of course, the deciding factor in regards to where I’d be passing my time. (Coffee and the lack of man sweat were close seconds.) Furthermore, it was fate that this Denny’s happened to be right across the street from the only mechanic in this city open on Sunday (protip: don’t break your car on a Sunday), because it just so happens that Denny’s is currently showcasing its Tour of America menu, which had several items in which I was interested.

At the top of the list was the Midwestern Meat & Potatoes Sandwich. Here’s how Denny’s describes it: “A Cheddar bun stuffed with grilled prime rib and French fries, smothered in brown gravy and topped with melted Swiss and American cheeses and mayo. A side of creamy mashed potatoes and yet more gravy completes this culinary masterpiece!”

Now, when I read that, it screamed “crazy go nuts marketing ploy food” to me. Even Denny’s acknowledged this in their press release, saying in reference to it, “Adventurous eaters, who tried Denny’s Fried Cheese Melt and the Maple Bacon Sundae, won’t want to miss out on Denny’s latest indulgence…”

However, the rabbit hole goes much deeper. Upon reading about the MM&PS, a friend of mine who lives in Minnesota commented that it sounded a lot like a regional dish served in diners and truck stops and the like. I pressed him for information like he was a clove of garlic that I needed finely minced, and he told me that this dish actually has a name: the hot beef commercial.

Hot beef commercial? What the hell? I went on a Google quest, but apparently the hot beef commercial is Minnesota’s best kept secret. I could find a few discussions, and learned that the commercial (it could also be pork or turkey) seems to only exist in Minnesota, but no real solid definitions. I had to go back to my friend for help. According to him, the hot beef commercial is assembled as follows (from the bottom up): piece of bread, meat, taters (maybe some gravy) piece of bread, more gravy.

That does bear some resemblance to Denny’s offering, and MN is definitely Midwestern. Notable differences: the commercial has no mayo or cheese, white bread instead of a cheddar bun, and the mashed potatoes go on or in the sandwich. Apparently you can ask for fries inside, but that’s non-standard. I find all this most interesting just because there seems to be more questions than answers on the Internet in regards to the commercial. Minnesota must be hiding a dark secret. And that secret is hot beef.

I don’t exactly have the means to travel to Minnesota, so I’ll just have to go off of my experience with the Midwestern Meat & Potatoes Sandwich, and leave the comparisons to someone else.

There are a lot of things going on with this sandwich that many people would find unusual or even off-putting. French fries inside a sandwich? Gravy on everything? Madness! Neither of these things really bothered me, though. I’m all for pouring gravy on pretty much everything. As for the french fries, I’ve seen The Big Fat Ugly, and after that, french fries are bush league.

My biggest concern was the mayo. I was totally down with all the other ingredients playing together, but it seemed that mayonnaise was playing dodgeball while the rest were trying to enjoy a nice game of four square. The idea of mingling mayo and gravy in particular made my stomach say “aw hell naw”. My stomach likes tired Internet memes involving Barack Obama.

When I ordered my food, the waitress said, “Oh, isn’t that sandwich just delicious!” I smiled and nodded, not sure why she would assume I’d had it before, and also ambivalent about whether the Denny’s waitress’s seal of approval was a good sign or not.

When my plate arrived, I was encouraged by the aesthetics. The cheddar bun looked delicious and the fries and steak were peaking out as if to say, “Hey baby. You look like you could use some saturated fat.”

I immediately opened the sandwich up and took inventory. Yep, everything was there – meat, cheese, fries, gravy, and…yes, there behind the cheese, the mayo. I appreciate that slice of cheese trying to hide it from me, but I couldn’t be fooled. I knew it was there.

Cutting the sandwich in half with the giant knife provided was a messy process. Messy was a common theme throughout my meal; when you’ve got gravy on a sandwich you’re eating with your hands, you’re going to blow through a lot of napkins. I had to ask my waitress for a whole stack.

The steak was surprisingly tender for a diner chain, and there was a hearty amount of it. The cheese was creamy and melty, which always works well with steak. You may not expect cheese to go well with gravy, but it did, and the gravy, while messy, pulled all the flavors together. There was also just the right amount of it. While the sandwich was messy, it wasn’t soggy, but it also wasn’t too dry.

The fries were tasty enough on their own, but in the sandwich, they seemed like nothing more than a starchy filler. I understand that this sandwich is supposed to be hearty, representing the spirit of the Midwest and/or adult-onset diabetes, but I really could have done without them. The bites I liked the best were the ones with just the meat, cheese, and gravy.

The cheddar bun didn’t offer much noticeable cheese flavor, but it was just the right size and density to stand up to all the ingredients without falling apart. As for the dreaded mayo? I don’t know if I got an unusually small amount, but it completely disappeared amongst all the other flavors. It’s like it wasn’t even on the sandwich, and that was just fine by me.

As for the mashed potatoes, they were, well…mashed potatoes. Nice and fluffy. I felt like I didn’t get enough gravy on them, however. I actually think the gravy worked better on the sandwich than the mashers. When tasted by itself, it had a weak brown gravy flavor, but in the sandwich, it melded with the steak and cheese, which made it seem more flavorful. The mashed potatoes seemed almost like an afterthought; an add-on designed to push the meal over the edge of excess. I would have liked the fries and the mashed potatoes to switch places, so the mashers were in the sandwich, like a real hot beef commercial.

So, it turns out Denny’s Midwestern Meat & Potatoes Sandwich isn’t so crazy after all, and it does actually represent the Midwest, in a roundabout way. As I said, I wish the fries had switched with the mashed potatoes, but the meat was tender and tasty, and, in combination with the cheese and gravy, it made for a hearty sandwich. I would order this sandwich in the future, but without the fries (and the mayo), thus ruining the theme of the meal. I don’t want to mess with Denny’s Tour of America like that, so maybe I’ll just get a California Club Salad instead.

  • Score: 3 out of 5 gravy-soaked napkins
  • Price: $6.99
  • Size: 1 sandwich; 1 pile of mashed potatoes and gravy
  • Purchased at: Denny’s #1970
  • Nutritional Quirks: No nutritional information available on Denny’s website, but an independent website clocks the meal as containing a rather staggering 2,826 milligrams of sodium. Minnesota!

News: McDonald’s Testing New English Pub Burger; Prepare to Have your Gob Smacked

Appearing in at least two cities (Algonquin and Genoa) in Illinois, McDonald’s is test marketing the English Pub Burger. Within the Empier first reported it; his tray liner described it as such: “If someone asks you if you fancy an English Pub Burger, the correct response is YES! This sandwich is smashing, made with 1/3 lb. of 100% Angus beef, hickory-smoked bacon, white cheddar & American cheese, grilled onions, tangy steak sauce & smoky Dijon mustard sauce all housed on an artisan roll. It’s so tasty, you’ll be gobsmacked!”

Credit: Within the Empier

The liner also defines these bolded English slang words, which I find completely unnecessary since I’m convinced that by now, every American has watched at least one of Gordon Ramsey’s seven million TV shows and is mildly familiar with such terms.

A GrubGrade reader also had the chance to try one, and reported that “This burger just works and tastes unlike anything I’ve ever had from McDonald’s.” Strong words. There’s a lot going on with this burger; I find the combination of steak sauce and smoky Dijon most intriguing. My fingers are crossed that the steak sauce will be British brown sauce (like HP or Daddie’s) and not just standard A1. I also hope that it goes national and I’ll actually get to try it one day.

The English Pub Burger is priced at $4.49, the same as McDonald’s other Angus Third Pounders. It’s nice to see the chain doing something outside their usual burger offerings. I’m not convinced that the English Pub Burger stays 100% true to actual English pub offerings, but at this point, I’m beyond semantics. I just want to try it out!

If you’ve had a chance to try the English Pub Burger, please leave a comment! I would love to hear some other opinions.

Sources: BurgerBusiness, Within the Empier, GrubGrade

News: Carl’s Jr. Introduces Strawberry Banana Smoothie Shake; Awesome Police Rumored to Be En Route

I’ve had Carl’s Jr.’s Hand-Scooped Ice Cream Shakes before. They’re actually quite good and taste very authentic. But shakes are pretty standard at a fast food restaurant, whether they taste like a real shake or a cup full of foamy chemicals. (I’m looking at you, McDonald’s, even though you’ve switched to your Triple Thick Shakes.)

Carl’s Jr. is taking a new spin on the ol’ shake routine by introducing the Strawberry Banana Smoothie Hand-Scooped Ice Cream Shake. And they’re getting a little carried away in the process. No, I’m not talking about the fact that it took them eight words to describe one beverage. I’m talking about the promo email that arrived in my inbox:

“IMAGINE STRAWBERRIES, BANANAS & ICE CREAM HAVING A 3-WAY”

Okay, well that’s a little disturbing. Fruit and ice cream doing it…not my kind of fetish, thanks. But there’s more: “That’s right, everyone. Carl’s Jr.® just turned a fruit smoothie into a shake. Someone better call the awesome police, because the Strawberry Banana Smoothie Hand-Scooped Ice Cream Shakes™ are here.”

OH SHI SOMEBODY CALL THE AWESOME POLICE! Okay, I admit, I kind of like that one. But they’re getting a little overenthusiastic about the whole smoothie/shake transformation. It’s not that revolutionary. “Strawberry banana milkshake” brings up about 217,000 results in Google.

Carl’s describes the shake as “Creamy, hand-scooped ice cream, blended with real milk and strawberry banana syrup, and then finished off with whipped topping.”

Doesn’t sound too bad. I do take issue with one other statement in the email, however. “Hey, you gotta get your fruit somehow. Might as well enjoy it.” Last I checked, “strawberry banana syrup” was not a fruit. Is that what’s up with the whole smoothie angle? Are they trying to make people believe this shake is healthy?

For what it’s worth, Strawberry Banana Smoothie Hand-Scooped Ice Cream Shake contains 770 calories, 35 grams of fat, 24 grams of saturated fat and 84 grams of sugars. Enjoy your “fruit”!

News: Consumer Reports Releases First Fast Food Survey; Shockingly, Big Chains Don’t Fare Well

Consumer Reports recently conducted their first survey of major fast food chains. The survey included over 98,000 visits to 53 chains. They ran down everything from quality to speed to value and beyond. I figured I’d be a nice gal and sum it all up for you, since everybody prefers lists over actually reading something, right?

Worst Overall Chains (“uninspired food, so-so service, no bang for your buck”)

Burger King, KFC, McDonald’s, Taco Bell

 

Second-Worst Overall Chains

Arby’s, Quizno’s, Domino’s, Pizza Hut

Worst Food Quality

Burger King, KFC, McDonald’s, Taco Bell, Sbarro

Best Value (Or “Bang for Your Buck”)

In-N-Out Burger, Papa Murphy’s, CiCi’s Pizza

Worst Value

Sbarro, Round Table Pizza, KFC

Slowest Service

KFC, Popeyes, Pizza Hut

Best Burger Joints

In-N-Out, Burgerville, Five Guys, Culver’s, Backyard Burgers

Best Mexican Chains

Chipotle, Rubio’s Fresh, Qdoba, Baja Fresh

Best Chicken Chain

Chick-Fil-A

Best Subs (Or Hoagies Or Whatever Your Region Calls Them)

Jason’s Deli, Firehouse Subs, Jersey Mike’s Sub, Potbelly Sandwich Shop, Jimmy John’s Gourmet Sandwiches, Schlotzsky’s

Best Pizza Joint

Papa Murphy’s Take ‘N’ Bake Pizza

Best/Worst Fries

This one gets broken down cleanly by Consumer Reports, but if you’re too lazy to click, know that Wendy’s new-ish Natural Cut Fries with Sea Salt barely beat out old favorite McDonald’s, and Burger King’s fries suck.

Best/Worst Main Dishes (In Other Words, the Foods That Best Define the Chain)

This one has charts on Consumer Reports’ website! I encourage you to look at them. Here’s a brief breakdown, though:

Lowest Overall Scorers: CiCi’s Pizza, Del Taco, Little Caesars, Sbarro, Taco Bell

Lowest Scored Chicken: KFC

Lowest Scored Burgers: McDonald’s

Interesting statistics! Notice how the biggest chains seem to score the lowest? Perhaps this will be a wake-up call to places like McDonald’s, Burger King and Taco Bell. Instead of constantly churning out new products that are either rehashes of the same menu offerings or crazy wacky limited edition products that generate a buzz, maybe they should work on the quality of their food and service. Just sayin’.

News: Frito-Lay Introduces Limited Edition Retro Throwback Product Bags; Apparently Wants to Keep It a National Secret

Limited edition retro…throwback Ruffles and Cheetos! Have your nostalgia sensors gone wild yet? Are you ready to go out there and find these chips RIGHT NOW so you can pretend it’s…uh, whatever year these bags are meant to imitate?

I would love to tell you that year. Or anything else about these chips. The Internet seems completely devoid of information about their existence, minus this Flickr picture I found that showcases all the other retro brands I didn’t find; namely, Cheetos Puffs, Rold Gold Pretzel Rods and King Size Fritos. The photo also includes Taco Doritos, but I already reviewed those.

So this news post is sadly deprived of news, beyond the fact that I can tell you they exist. I can also tell you that I expected the chips to contain identical ingredients to a regular bag of Ruffles or Cheetos. The chips looked exactly the same as modern Ruffles and Cheetos. Going off of Frito-Lay’s website, the Ruffles contained the exact same and amount of ingredients as regular Ruffles.

The Cheetos are a little more interesting, however. I could taste no difference between retro and regular Cheetos, but the ingredients do appear different. Retro Cheetos use vegetable oil, while “contemporary” Cheetos use corn and/or sunflower oil. Retro Cheetos include cheddar cheese seasoning and cheddar cheese, while the regular Cheetos just have the latter. And finally, retro Cheetos list salt as the last ingredient, where salt falls in the middle of the list on regular Cheetos. So there do seem to be some differences, even if my palate is apparently not refined enough to taste them.

The back of the Cheetos bag also has Chester Cheetah goin’ all Uncle Sam, and also says, “Here’s to over 60 years of great flavor”. So Cheetos is having an anniversary. What about the rest of the brands? Who knows, the Internet won’t tell me. It is all mystery. But I figured they should be thrown up on the Internet, if only to catalog their existence.

Del Taco Mac ‘n Cheese Crunch Bites and Root Beer Float Shake

Mac ‘n Cheese Crunch Bites

Macaroni and cheese is generally considered a kids’ food. I suppose we have Kraft to thank for that; the current commercials I’ve seen for their iconic blue-box pasta consist of children splashing around in puddles of cheese sauce, irritating me with their gap-toothed grins and overenthusiastic energy. The macaroni even comes in shapes like Scooby-Doo and Spongebob Squarepants. If you’re an adult eating pasta shaped like the Mystery Machine, you’re either finishing your kid’s leftovers or you’ve made some seriously poor life decisions.

As a side note, I’m now irritated at Kraft and Canada. Kraft for making me visit their Wikipedia page in an attempt to identify current pop-culture pasta shapes, and Canada for making me wonder why the fuck the Kraft Macaroni and Cheese Wikipedia entry was titled “Kraft Dinner”, which made me read the discussion page, and any time I read a discussion page on Wikipedia I’m guaranteed to lose my mind. Also, a whole section on Kraft “Dinner” and Canadian culture? This Wikipedia entry is obviously Canuck-skewed. I cannot condone that.

Now that I’ve gotten out my inappropriate level of irritation at Kraft and Canada, let’s get down to brass tacks. Americans love deep-frying things. Oreos, candy bars, beer, bacon (of course), even butter. Yes, deep-fried butter. You can thank Paula Deen for my knowledge of that phenomenon, even though she wasn’t the first to pioneer such a revolutionary concept.

I also have Paula Deen to thank for my knowledge of deep-fried macaroni and cheese. During a brief period of insanity in my life, I actually watched shows besides Good Eats on the Food Network, and thus witnessed ham-to-the-face Paula make these bite-sized heart attacks. I was intrigued, but not enough to actually make them myself, so I figured I’d never see fried mac and cheese again, unless someone held a gun to my head and forced me to go to the state fair.

So you can imagine my surprise when Del Taco announced that they had a new product called Mac ‘n Cheese Crunch Bites. Grammar nazi rage over the omission of a second apostrophe after the “n” aside, I was immediately interested. Yeah, I still eat macaroni and cheese. At least I avoid those that are shaped like someone who lives in a pineapple under the sea. Give me some credit for that. I mainly use it as a vessel to deliver massive amounts of Cajun seasoning and hot sauce into my body when I have a salt craving and desire something a little more tangible than ramen. Since I’ve already admitted I’m an adult who enjoys mac ‘n’ cheese, might as well try fried mac ‘n’ cheese. From a fast food quasi-Mexican joint. Odd choice for Del Taco, but I’m not complaining.

 

SUCK IT, GANON!

As you can see, these Crunch Bites come in a triangular shape; size-wise, they’d fit nicely into the circular stain on your coffee table that your friend left after he passed out with a full glass of gin and tonic in front of him. The coaster was five inches away; would it have been so hard to use it?

They were, of course, appropriately greasy, what with being fried and all. The batter had a nice crunch and was lighter than I thought it would be. The texture and flavor were reminiscent of the beer batter you’d find on a nice piece of fish you’d order with chips.

Unfortunately, the inside didn’t do justice to the outside. You can see the little bifurcated macaronis covered in unnaturally orange cheese…substance. The pasta has an okay texture; it didn’t taste mushy or undercooked, but it was largely unremarkable. The cheese tasted markedly artificial, but that’s to be expected. When I’m buying Mac ‘n Cheese Crunch Bites from Del Taco, I’m not expecting to find gourmet flavors inside a fried batter shell. What’s interesting is that the cheese also managed to be rather bland.

If the macaroni and cheese had been served in a bowl instead of a fried triangle, it would have been usalvageable. The pasta and cheese have the batter to thank for it being mildly edible. I also found that, like with Kraft macaroni and cheese, it becomes much more palatable when used as a vehicle for hot sauce. Slathered in Del Inferno, the Crunch Bites rise to the status of “acceptable snack if you’re really stoned”. Which is still not the highest of praises. In the end, I have to judge Mac ‘n Cheese Crunch Bites on their own, and the verdict is not good. The batter can’t save the bland, artificial-tasting cheese and the forgettable macaroni pasta.

Root Beer Float Shake

I bought the Root Beer Float Shake almost as an afterthought. My main motivation, beyond already enjoying the occasional root beer float, was the name. Root Beer Float…Shake? What? It just seemed like an odd name and concept. Can’t you make a root beer float shake just by mixing the ice cream and soda in a float together?

The answer is yes, and that’s exactly what this shake tasted like. Del Taco offers Barq’s as their root beer of choice, and I assume they just blended that with some vanilla ice cream and boom! Root Beer Float Shake.

It’s not exactly an innovative concept, and yet, I really enjoyed my Root Beer Float Shake. The root beer flavor was a little muted and I detected little carbonation, but that’s the magic that happens when you mix up a float. The consistency was perfect – creamy, smooth, and just the right amount of thickness. It was also sweet, but not cloyingly so. I sucked down the entire shake without feeling sugar-sick afterwards.

I figured, much like with many of the foods I review, I’d finish the Root Beer Float Shake, write about it, and forget it forever. Not so! As I was cropping the picture, I suddenly thought, “Damn, I could totally go for a Root Beer Float Shake right now.” Hell, I had the same thought writing this brief review. I guess it’s a good thing my nearest Del Taco closed and I now have to go out of my way to go there; I may have developed a serious Root Beer Float Shake addiction.

The Root Beer Float Shake is a simple concept, but a successful one. Sure, anybody can mix root beer and vanilla ice cream together. But Del Taco had just the right ratio of soda to ice cream, and the consistency was perfect. Sometimes a new menu item concept doesn’t have to be groundbreaking; it just has to be done well. Root Beer Float Shake rules; Mac ‘n Cheese Crunch Bites suck. Del Taco should have taken a lesson from themselves.

Mac ‘n Cheese Crunch Bites

  • Score: 2 out of 5 Del Inferno sauce packets
  • Price: $1.99
  • Size: 6 Crunch Bites
  • Purchased at: Del Taco #806
  • Nutritional Quirks: No nutritional information available on Del Taco’s website, so I’ll just say, batter so right, mac ‘n cheese so wrong.

Root Beer Float Shake

  • Score: 4.5 out of 5 immersion blenders making magic happen
  • Price: $2.89
  • Size: 16 oz. cup, I’m guessing?
  • Purchased at: Del Taco #806
  • Nutritional Quirks: Again, no nutritional info. Egg on my face if it turns out they didn’t just mix Barq’s with vanilla ice cream and instead used some sort of root beer extract or something.

News: Denny’s Wants to Take You on a Tour of America with TEN New Items; Tour Goes Slightly Off the Rails

Starting June 9th, Denny’s has introduced their new “Tour of America” menu. And by menu, I mean menu – there’s ten new items listed in their press release. That’s 20% of the United States!

I don’t normally cover sit-down restaurants, but there’s some…shall we say, interesting items on the Tour of America menu. Let’s get the more mundane out of the way before we get to the real meat and potatoes. You’ll groan at that pun later on. Just wait for it.

 

Pacific Northwest Iced Coffee

Pacific Northwest Iced Coffee – A “sweet and creamy iced coffee drink” that uses a blend of Sumatra and Arabica beans. Obviously a nod to Seattle and its coffee culture.

 

Hawaiian Tropical Smoothie

Hawaiian Tropical Smoothie – Made with coconut, pineapple and nonfat yogurt. Bring a flask of rum and ride the waves straight to Blackout Island!

 

California Club Salad

California Club Salad – “Featuring shaved turkey, diced bacon, grape tomatoes and avocado atop a fresh spring mix”. Solid but uninspired, if you ask me. Not sure how I feel about sandwich meat on top of a salad, though. Carl Buddig scarred me for life.

Florida Orange Milk Shake – Florida is known for three things: old people, being the penis of America, and oranges. This offering combines vanilla ice cream and orange juice, creating what I hope tastes just like a 50/50 bar. Otherwise known as a Creamsicle. Let’s not get bogged down in semantics; there’s a lot to cover, here.

 

Georgia Peach French Toast

Georgia Peach French Toast – French toast topped with glazed fire-roasted peaches. ‘Nuff said.

 

Philly Cheesesteak Omelette

Philly Cheesesteak Omelette – The name pretty much says it all: grilled prime rib, fire-roasted peppers and onions, sautéed mushrooms and melted Swiss cheese. Denny’s claims that it “truly captures the spirit of Philadelphia”. Dangerous words, Denny’s. I’ve watched enough cheese Travel Channel shows to know that Philly residents take their cheesesteaks very seriously.

Here are the offerings that really intrigued me:

 

Southern Shrimp and Grits

Southern Shrimp and Grits – “Grilled shrimp served over creamy cheese grits and topped with a jalapeno lemon butter sauce and sprinkled with crisp crumbled bacon and fresh diced tomatoes.”

I’ve never had grits before; hailing from SoCal and currently living in Arizona, the chance has never really been put in front of my face. Denny’s had me at “jalapeno lemon butter sauce”. And bacon, of course.

 

Hawaiian Tropical Pancakes Breakfast

Hawaiian Tropical Pancakes Breakfast – “Two fluffy macadamia nut pancakes layered with coconut whipped topping. Topped off with lightly grilled pineapple chunks, more coconut whipped topping and sprinkled with toasted coconut.”

Macadamia nut coconut pineapple coconut coconut. I hope you like coconut, because Denny’s is going to shove it in your mouth three times on one plate.

 

Hawaiian Tropical Pancake Puppies

Hawaiian Tropical Pancake puppies – Haven’t had enough coconut? I bet you haven’t! Order these babies as an appetizer or a side to your Macadamia nut coconut pineapple coconut coconut pancakes. “Six bite-sized round pancakes packed with sweet pineapple and white chocolate chips, rolled in delicious toasted coconut.” Also comes with syrup for dipping. No word if the syrup is also made with coconut.

As I mentioned at the beginning of this long news post, I don’t usually cover sit-down restaurants. I’ve only done one sit-down restaurant review, and it just so happened to be at Denny’s. What would actually motivate me to get out of my car and see the face of the person I’m giving my order to? How about fried mozzarella sticks shoved inside a grilled cheese sandwich? Denny’s hopped on the Crazy Food Train, and I couldn’t miss that ride. Which brings us to…

 

Midwestern Meat and Potatoes Sandwich

Midwestern Meat and Potatoes Sandwich – Aaaand there’s your pun. Sounds innocuous enough, right? Well, when Denny’s prefaces the item description with the sentence, “Adventurous eaters, who tried Denny’s Fried Cheese Melt and the Maple Bacon Sundae, won’t want to miss out on Denny’s latest indulgence…”, you know you’re in for a treat.

“A Cheddar bun stuffed with grilled prime rib and French fries, smothered in brown gravy and topped with melted Swiss and American cheeses and mayo. A side of creamy mashed potatoes and yet more gravy completes this culinary masterpiece!”

Kiss my Southern Shrimp and Grits, Hawaiian Tropical Pancakes Breakfast! Two different kinds of potatoes, two cheeses, two instances of gravy and mayo all in one dish definitely trumps three coconuts. This is the Tour of America money shot, and Denny’s knows it.

You only have until August 29th to take this tour, so get down to your local Denny’s and spend all the money you were saving for an actual tour of America on these ten new items. I’m sure I won’t be trying all of these offerings, but I sense a date with some meat, potatoes and…ugh…mayo in my near future.

Junk food and fast food reviews from a leftist perspective. We eat it so you don't have to!