Well, it’s finally here. I’ve been waiting for seven months for this day. HAPPY DOUBLE DOWN DAY, EVERYBODY!
That’s right, the Double Down is finally here. Ever since it was announced in test markets in August last year, the Internet has been abuzz with anticipation about when those of us not living in Nebraska or Rhode Island would get to taste this wondrous beast. On April 1st, KFC announced that the Double Down would be released nationwide today. A clever marketing move, making the media wonder, is this real, or just a cruel April Fool’s joke?
No joke, my friends. KFC even created a countdown page on its website. KFC knows what they’re doing. If you do a Google search for KFC Double Down Sandwich, you’ll find a plethora of news articles – 223 as of about 11am this morning, in fact. I even saw my local news channel run a story on it, right as I was taking my pictures of the sandwich.
Why so much media coverage? With the Double Down comes much controversy. Some decry it, calling it a culinary monstrosity that will instantly clog your arteries and kill you on the spot. Others revel in its ridiculousness, seeing it as the goofy, gimmicky thing it is. It’s like the blogosphere has gone to war over this sandwich. And that just makes me all the more happy.
There’s even one blog reporting that some lady from some committee is “urging the chain not to advertise the Double Down to children”. If you go to KFC’s Double Down page, you can watch the commercial. It’s actually rather bland, and not at all directed towards children. Won’t somebody please think of the children?! Obviously, this woman is, but KFC doesn’t really give a damn about them either way. I love reactionaries.
I, obviously, don’t give a fuck how many calories, sodium, cyanide, whatever are in the Double Down. I love the Double Down. It’s the very epitome of the reason I started this website, and as long as it doesn’t taste like shit, I’ll defend its honor, even when I start seeing local lawyer commercials saying, “Have you or someone you know been injured or even killed by the Double Down? If so, please call us. We can help you get the money you deserve for your pain and suffering.” Eating a Double Down is like drinking alcohol – oh sure, it will kill you eventually, but until then, you’re having a blast!
So, controversy aside, let’s start the tale of my journey to get the Double Down. It started at about 9:30am, when I left to drop my husband off at work. This had all been carefully planned, as there is a KFC right across the street from where he works. Unfortunately, KFC doesn’t open until 10am. Instead of pressing my face against the glass door of the KFC until they opened, I chose to loiter around the Fresh and Easy right next door. I found it rather amusing, since I was hanging out in a grocery store that sells almost exclusively organic and all-natural products, waiting to go buy what may be the most maligned fast food product in history.
After I felt I had wasted enough time looking at tofu and hummus, I wandered over to the KFC. I decided to actually go into the restaurant instead of hitting the drive-thru, and I’m glad I did. I was inundated with posters and giant cut-outs of the Double Down. It only served to heighten my excitement.
There was a dude in front of me in line, and I couldn’t hide a small, probably creepy-looking smile as he ordered a Double Down. He was a stocky guy in his mid-20s, wearing a polo shirt and sporting a mild neckbeard. I thought I’d found a soulmate.
After I placed my order, we were both hanging around the drink dispenser, waiting for our orders. I’m generally a socially shy person who would rather stick my hand in a fryolator than strike up a conversation with a total stranger, but I felt compelled to say something.
“So, you’re here for the Double Down, eh?” I said, flashing what I hoped was a friendly but conspiratorial smile.
“Yeah,” he replied.
I should have noticed the dead look in his eyes, the half-open mouth, but I was blinded by chicken. “Were you just sort of lurking around, waiting for them to open so you could get one, like I was?” I continued, stupidly.
“No.” There was no change in his facial expression. I was talking to a wall. A neckbearded wall.
I stood in red-faced silence until he got his order and beat a hasty retreat out the door. In order to mitigate my embarrassment, I concentrated all my attention on how the Double Down was being constructed.
KFC describes the Double Down as “two thick and juicy boneless white meat chicken filets (Original Recipe® or Grilled), two pieces of bacon, two melted slices of Monterey Jack and pepper jack cheese and Colonel’s Sauce.” You see, there’s two of everything. Double! The sandwich’s motto is, “This product is so meaty, there’s no room for a bun!” I love it. So brazen. Just a big “fuck you” to both bread and people who want to live past 30.
My sandwich lived up to KFC’s description, at least in construction. The masterful artist behind the counter, who looked kind of like Edward James Olmos, pulled two chicken filets out of a drawer, set them down on a metal counter, drizzled one with the Colonel’s Sauce, pulled out one of each of the cheese slices from a chill chest, set them both on the sauced filet, took two pieces of bacon on top of the cheese, and slapped the other filet down on top of it all. I thought there would be a further cooking process, but he just wrapped it right up and stuck it in a chicken sandwich box. He didn’t even bother trying to close the box all the way, because it was obvious that that wasn’t going to happen. The Double Down cannot be contained by any ordinary sandwich box.
Perhaps hoping to make me feel better about my earlier awkward conversation, or just being friendly, as Edward James Olmos put my box in a bag he smiled warmly and said to me, “This will really fill you up, mang.” Or he could have said “ma’am” instead of “mang”, I’m not really sure. I’m at an age where it really could have gone either way.
I smiled back and said, “I’m sure it will. I’ve been waiting for this for a while, that’s why I’m here on the day it came out.”
“Actually, it came out yesterday,” he replied. “We just haven’t had a lot of people come in yet because they haven’t seen the commercial.”
“Oh really?” I said, surprised, since every website in the world had told me it came out on the 12th. I wasn’t going to argue with the man who’d just made my Double Down, though, so I just said, “Well, I’ve been waiting since August, anyway.”
“Dang, mang, you known about it before I did!” He said, chuckling.
“Oh yeah, it’s been all over the Internet,” I replied. He didn’t seem like the kind of guy who watched for new fast foods on the Internet. Edward James Olmos was completely oblivious regarding the controversy surrounding the sandwich he had just made for me. I found it endearing.
We said our pleasantries and I tried not to run out of the KFC to my car, because that would look weird, and I didn’t want to look weird, especially not after buying a giant chicken sandwich at 10:09am. I impatiently fumed at the entrance to my apartment complex, waiting for an elderly couple to sloooowly make their way across the sidewalk in front of the entrance. It was like they’d been placed there by the gods of situational comedy. I considered just running them over, but figured that might put a kink in my day, so I just waited. In hindsight, I should have just run them over. The Double Down waits for no man. Especially not an old one.
But fuck Internet buzz and neckbeards Edward James Olmos, right? How does it taste?
DELICIOUS.
My first couple of bites were mostly just chicken, but the chicken was tender and juicy. I don’t think I’ve ever shoved that much KFC chicken in my mouth at once. It felt voluptuous, decadent, overindulgent. I was transformed into a Cyrenaic. And I loved it.
Then I hit the cheese and the Colonel’s Sauce all at once, and it was madness. The cheese was melty and creamy, which I was concerned about after seeing the process of making the Double Down. I figured the whole sandwich would need a little more heat, but apparently they keep the chicken screaming hot, because the cheese was perfect and the sandwich was perfectly hot. The sauce was zippy, tangy. Combined with the juicy chicken and the Colonel’s 11 secret herbs and spices, it was so wrong, but so very right. Screw grapes, I want hot scantily clad chicks hand-feeding me Double Downs all day, as I lounge on my gilded bed with shirtless dudes fanning me with palm fronds.
While I’d like to say the Double Down was perfect, I do have a few quibbles about it. The bacon was largely swallowed up by the massive chicken filets. It fell victim to the classic fast food problem: limp bacon that lacks flavor and crispness. I got a little bit of crunch and a little flavor, but, and I hate to even admit this, I actually wished there was more bacon on the sandwich. More bacon or better bacon, whichever would make the bacon a little more prominent.
I would have liked a little more Colonel’s Sauce on my Double Down, but I do tend to like my burgers and sandwiches sauced up to a point that most people probably wouldn’t enjoy. Since I’ve already shamed myself pretty thoroughly in this review, I’ll go ahead and admit that at one point I actually opened the sandwich up, like a delicious book, and licked the sauce right off the chicken, so I could get a purer sense of what it tasted like. A woman, in her late 20s, not wearing pants, fending off two cats who REALLY wanted to eat my Double Down, licking sauce off the inside of a sandwich that uses chicken filets for buns. I do this for you, dear readers.
Colonel’s Sauce tastes like a zippy southwestern sauce. Probably mayonnaise mixed with something mildly spicy. A light Google search and KFC’s website itself offer no clues, but I’m comfortable with that. I like a little mystery in my food. That’s probably not something a person with all their faculties intact would ever say.
I couldn’t finish my entire sandwich. I am no match for the Double Down. Edward James Olmos was right; it will, indeed, fill you up. Mang. I felt logy afterward; this is a sandwich made to be eaten when you’ve cleared your plans for the rest of the day. But my excitement to write about my Double Down experience got me through this review. And I will give the health nut Double-Down naysayers this: damn son, this bitch be salty. The medium iced tea I got with it was sucked dry, and I still felt like Lot’s wife. But that’s okay with me. I used to eat salt straight out of the shaker. I can handle a little sodium in my sandwich. And by a little, I mean 1,380 milligrams of it.
Don’t look at me like that.
So, was it all worth it? The hype, the waiting, the controversy, the awkward conversation, the food coma, the excessively long, boring review? Absolutely. I loved it. It’s like splurging on a really expensive meal at a fancy, overpriced restaurant – you know you’re being naughty, but you sure do enjoy yourself while you’re doing it. You’re obviously not going to do it every day, but every once in a while, it’s fun to throw responsibility to the wind and just go wild.
Eating a Double Down probably does qualify as throwing responsibility to the wind, but I loved every minute of it.
Oh, and there’s also a grilled version of the Double Down, but I recommend you at least try the original first. And if you think the grilled version is healthier, consider this – it actually has 500 more milligrams of sodium than the original version. Ha!
By the way, this is what my napkin looked like at the end of the meal:
- Score: 4.5 out of 5 neckbeards
- Price: $4.99
- Size: 1 sandwich
- Purchased at: KFC #Y303048
- Nutritional Quirks: Where to begin? You know what, you just figure this one out for yourself.
The Double Down chicken sandwich is everything right, true, and decent in the national character. I saw God.
What a uniquely American sandwich! I ate it and I loved it. I felt guilty later, but oh my it was good.
Just ate my first Double Down. The meat sandwich was good but your review was better. I agree that KFC should add a little more bacon, they have come this far… what’s a little more bacon gonna hurt.
I’ve been waiting to read your review before attempting this monstrosity. I’m glad you mentioned that the grilled version has 500mg more sodium than the original. 500mg! That’s a huge amount for anyone, but I try to limit my sodium intake as much as possible. This is why I’m avoiding trying this. Maybe I’ll get one and split it with my kiddo. She loves salt, and she loves trying sinfully indulgent treats (she actually wished Wendy’s Baconnator had more bacon).
Thanks for taking yet another one for the team, Kelley. You may now put your pants back on. 😉
Personally, I felt it was a little on the bland side. I helped it out by ordering a jalapeno on the side, and dripping the pepper juice all over the chicken (which I pretty much always do with fried chicken, anyway). Maybe a tomato slice and/or some peppers (or onions?) in the middle.
Just when America’s obesity problem couldn’t get worse…here’s this KFC crap to help you guys along.
Americans are such greedy, selfish twits!
So, this is like a poor man’s cordon bleu for those with salt deficiencies?
Hey, there, Bunchick? Are you an ignorant fuck or an exceptionally skilled troll? I can’t tell!
Hey there Bob! I will say that I’m the exceptionally skilled troll and your the ignorant fuck to eat & defend this crap!
Baby, if eating delicious food is ignorant, just call me Roscoe.
Ummm….yeah…eating decaying animal flesh is pretty ignorant Roscoe…but then being the chest thumping righteous dude that you are, you already know your pretty freaking ignorant & mighty proud of being the king of American twits.
You’re very serious about Internet arguments, aren’t you?
Nah, I was pointing out the obvious of our serious obesity problem in America and your the one who got insulted? to begin
your pathetic defensive of fat folks argument of eating this composing garbage…
And your response is…
FAT FUCKS FOREVER
Well as long as you all stick with your own kind & fuck each other while eating this crap…ok with me!
Actually, one of the greatest things about my vegetarianism is the constant laughs my wife and I have. When we walk anywhere, we get a chuckle out of watching the fat asses and oversized bellies we’re treated to – and the greatest joy is at WalMart, where some customers are so obese that Wallymart has to provide them with electric carts to carry them to the fast food aisles (what used to be called a tv dinner is now just dinner — read the ingredients and puke).
It’s shameful. Folks of all ages, thighs hanging over cart seats, which in turn are already at their farthest setting from the steering wheel to accomodate all that stomach flab, gross asses hanging over the rear axle, it is just amazing that people will present themselves that way. They’re terminal, and they don’t give a damn.
Our whole way of living has long deviated from the norm. Without thinking about what we stuff into ourselves, we will soon be a society incapable of any kind of moderation.
Hahahahahaha, okay, Hank. GO GIT ‘IM!
Awww…looks like Roscoe is afraid to face his own obese reality….sad….truly sad indeed!
I prefer the term “Jolly.”
Point is, we’re in the USA. We have the freedom to do what we want. If we don’t care, who gives a damn?
I love how people act holier than thou about “Stupid, Obese Americans” We all came from the same place dude, and we’re all going to the same place. Some of us will be getting there faster, but if it worries you that much, you have too much time on your hands.
I you wanna preach to me, you better get your scrawny ass to seminary college first.
Hugs and Kisses.
Dude,
Obese are the least of MY problems to worry about..its just really freaking gross to look at them coming out of these fast food crap joints and then they cry & wonder why they are so fat….duh!
Fat people ate Bunchick’s parents. This is why she dresses up as the food pyramid at night, righting wrongs and attacking people walking out of Taco Bell.
I would eat a double down just to kill more chickens.
I think tonight I’ll have veal and kill some baby animals too.
Paka-
Couldn’t care less if you ate a calf coming right out of mom’s birth canal and ate the placenta with it.
Bob-
McDonalds just came out with a dog turd wrapped in bacon and injected with cheese…go on….go pig out-don’t forget to take the family, its a meal ya all can afford.
Obese people on planes….they take up 2 seats…
PAY for 2 seats…or do they cry about that also?
How do you find the time for culinary vigilantism when you spend 24 hours a day hitting F5 on the comments section of an unpopular blog about junk food? Which come to think of it, is a pretty inappropriate forum to bitch about junk food. You are a crazy person.
How dare you say JFB is unpopular. IT’S POPULAR DAMMIT! Just look at all these comments…made by…totally reasonable people!
Dissention in the ranks!
Hey Bob
I find time – just like you – for your obviously coming back to this unpopular blog about crap food.
Speaking of crap “Bob” have you tried those new bacon wrapped, injected cheese wrap dog turds yet? Makes a great dessert for the family after treating them to this KFC obesity crap. Please do give us your valuable opinion of them.
I have the time because I work at this unpopular blog about crap food, and get E-Mail notifications when you keep returning, again and again, determined to win this argument on the Internet. HAVE AT YOU, WEB CRUSADER
I am so saddened that the article that I’ve waited for since January has that idiot Bunchick’s idiot comments all over it now. Dude, don’t eat the fucking DoubleDown. Live and let live. Get a fucking hobby that doesn’t involve arguing with people you think are beneath you. geez.
All due respect, adri – and I appreciate the sentiment – if Bunchick hasn’t picked up on my obvious attempts at egging her on to see how long she’ll keep posting, I don’t think she’s going to listen to you. Thanks, though! I hope you enjoyed Kelley’s review.
The double down internet hype is fucking genius. I love how it brings out the angry tweens with self image issues. Seriously, FanFUCKINGtasic!
I’ve waited for months for Kelley’s review and I certainly wasn’t disappointed. This was the funniest review yet. The fact that it has forced this kind of reaction from readers is just icing on the cake.
You’ve raised the bar for junk food blogs, if only for yourself.
Bunchick, I think we can both agree that fat people who cry and wonder why they’re fat have other issues…mainly stupidity.
But that said, you must have very delicate senses, sunshine. If we offend you that much, I suggest you move somewhere that has nothing but thin people.
Like Ethiopia.
Americans are truly selfish greedy assholes! Some 3rd world countries are eating dirt for god sakes and you guys are over here literally shoveling down this crap….you should be ashamed of yourselves…but hey, your Americans…you have no capability to feel anything for anyone else but yourselves…What a embarrassment Americans are!
Ya’ know, Bun-Chick, it’s sort of unfair for you to continue attacking us horrid Americans unless you let us know what enlightened utopia you live in. We can’t make sweeping generalizations or make stereotypical statements about your people unless you tell us were you’re* from.
Now excuse me while I light my cigar with a $100 bill that I got from exploiting migrant workers.
*This is how “my people” say “you are”.
B-O-R-I-N-G responses to a very important subject
Ta ta pathetic selfish losers
Very. Important. Subject.
Yes, lets all LAUGH at the morbid obesity problem in America and its even funnier with all the HEALTH problems they have.
HA HA HA HA….lets all laugh while they all cry….
Your right Bob …. so not a important issue
(At least in greedy America)
I thought you were leaving? I distinctly saw a “ta ta” in your next-to-last post. That indicates leaving. Don’t play with my emotions.
Hey. I like fast food. However, I am not fat. I recognize that everything comes with a price and make an effort to exercise to keep myself healthy and at a size that I’m comfortable with.
And yo, don’t pull that “other people are starving in other countries” BS with me. A) Just because other people are starving doesn’t mean that we have too. That would be stupid, and B) America sends more aid to other countries than anywhere else in the world. I refuse to go on your guilt trip (http://www.mapsofworld.com/world-top-ten/world-top-ten-doners-of-foreigner-aid-map.html).
So yeah, I eat fast food, but I also take care of myself and keep fit. I also do my part with charity work to help people that need it. Where were you, Bunchick, when Hurricane Katrina hit? I was down in Mississippi rebuilding people’s houses.
P.S.- YOUR = possession
YOU’RE = contraction for YOU ARE
Go back to school, you ignorant bint.
Mary you have just proven my point….Americans like YOU and so freaking selfish & greedy that you can walk around strutting your fat ass saying just because these mom’s are making mud pies for their kids doesn’t bother me while I pig out on high fat, calorie laden crap food.
Righteous people like YOU make me sick & ashamed.
With food prices rising, Haiti’s poorest can’t afford even a daily plate of rice, and some must take desperate measures to fill their bellies.
But in places such as Cité Soleil, the oceanside slum where Charlene shares a two-room house with her baby, five siblings, and two unemployed parents, cookies made of dirt, salt, and vegetable shortening have become a regular meal.
http://news.nationalgeographic.com/news/2008/01/080130-AP-haiti-eatin.html
Go back to McCraps you ignorant twit.
(I seriously doubt you were in Mississippi rebuilding houses, come on fess up…you were in some fast food crap joint pigging out…don’t lie girl!)
And yes Bob-O I’m back and I’ll bet you’ll thrilled to cuz I bring life to this pathetic boring junk crap food blog!
(The lack of comments on all your crap food reviews is sad)
OH NOES BUNCHICK HAS STRUCK AGAIN YOU SURE GOT ME THERE CRAZY INTERNET PERSON
Ahhhh….admit, I add some life to your comment section for this one review has 41 comments by me & others. Hey wait…maybe I should start my own blog….Fast Food Crap For Fat Folks.
I’d read it.
My “fat ass”? I thought that I had established that I’m not fat. And I was in Mississippi- I went two summers in a row and I ate Zaxby’s while I was there, so I suppose that you were half right. And I would much rather be unhealthy and happy than a bitter health nut like you. I think stressing yourself out over a sandwich will kill you faster than the cholesterol.
And by the way, I would never go to McDonald’s. They’re food is nasty, but KFC is delicious. I do have standards, after all.
I can’t believe that the majority of this comments section is an internet pissing contest between a good natured guy who doesn’t use his diet as an excuse to look down on people, and a couple of stuck up arserags that do.
I also love the implication that every meat eater and American is overweight, and grossly so. Clearly, this means I’m not only ten pounds (give or take) underweight, despite my damnedest efforts, but also morbidly obese and threaten to block out the sun, somehow. It’s a good thing there are stuck up arserags on the internet to set things straight. I should stop eating meat and move out of here right away. Then I too can be an obnoxious prick to total strangers, apparently. Goodie.
Also, I’m glad I’m not the only late twenty-something who’s licked her food while wearing no pants.
Mia, I think I love you. I have carefully left myself out of what you so appropriately call a pissing contest and let my experienced cohort do all the work, but I have to step in and say that I love your comment and think that it was all very well said. Welcome to the late twenty-something no-pants wearing food-licking club, my dear! Hope you stick around and keep commenting.
Mary check out this map ….
Mississippi is the FATTEST of all our USA states….
http://strangemaps.files.wordpress.com/2008/07/obesitystates.jpg
“KFC is delicious. I do have standards, after all.”
SAD….TRUELY SAD!
I think what you really meant to say was you have NO standards afterall, right?
All the folks sticking up for eating this composted-crap garbage, cry and wonder why they have major health problems like obesity, diabetics, etc…fast food crap joints are right next to where I shop and I always can’t believe how many people literally WADDLE out of there.
Christ you people moan that folks care more about animal welfare than humans, and then when animal folks try to care about obese folks eating this crap, they wail “leave us alone” we need to eat this crap to stay happy….
Make up your fucking minds fatties!
YEAH MAKE UP YOUR MIND ABOUT THIS BATSHIT LOCO FALSE DICHOTOMY I’M DROPPING HERE
GEEZ GUYS HONESTLY
BOB SORRY THIS IS NOT A COMMENTS SECTION PATTING YOU ON THE BACK FOR EATING SUCH CRAP, NO WONDER YOUR CONFUSED.
THANKS FOR HELPING ME MAKE UP MY MIND
OK I GO BACK TO FIGHTING FOR THE CRITTERS & FUCK THE FATTIES.
ENJOY THE OBISITY MAP KIDDIES…ITS ONLY GOING TO GET WORSE!
(AH THINK OF THE GREAT BUSINESS OBESE COFFIN MAKERS ARE GOING TO DO…DEF. GOING TO BUY STOCK IN THAT COMPANY!)