Screaming Yellow Zonkers!

SNEAK PREVIEW ALERT! Screaming Yellow Zonkers will not be in stores until May 15, so don’t run out looking for them until that date!

Screaming Yellow Zonkers! Popcorn is something I seem to remember from my childhood (like Pop Qwiz), but don’t recall ever trying (probably because I was too busy eating Pop Qwiz). According to Wikipedia, which is the only real source of information I could find, so take all this with a grain of salt, Zonkers (I am dropping the exclamation point from now on since it’s annoying to have every word after that get auto-capitalized) were first introduced in the late 1960s. According to me, that was a run-on sentence.

For what seems like an innocuous snack food, Zonkers has quite the interesting history. Instead of pasting the entire Wikipedia article here, get off your Internet ass and read it yourself.

It seems they always had a sense of humor, and it seems they’ve kept that tradition alive, which just tickles my knickers. These days, food packaging is either THIS IS HEALTHY AND A SERIOUS MATTER or THIS PRODUCT IS SO FUCKING EXXTREEEEEME IT WILL LITERALLY BLOW YOUR MIND STRAIGHT OUT THE BACK OF YOUR HEAD. A little tongue-in-cheek is refreshing. Enjoy these commercials from the 1970s(?) and 1980s(?)  I especially like the latter; when was the last time you saw someone convulsing on the ground to advertise for a product?

Case in point: the top of my box says, “open here, but don’t get mouthy with me!” Get it? MOUTHY? Man, I’m the only one who appreciates a good pun anymore.

Zonkers were discontinued in 2007, but now they’re making a comeback! Which is obvious, since I am reviewing them. In true Zonkers fashion, on the side of the box they explain their absence:

“You may have noticed that have BEEN GONE for a while, and you can blame Bill for that one. He’s one of those bottom of the box KERNELS that’s missing some of his BUTTERY GLAZE, if you know what I mean. He decided that we needed to get out of this box and go on a trip to ‘FIND OURSELVES’. It was somewhere between here and there we had our A-HA MOMENT. We had it good, really good, so we came SCREAMING BACK to the good life!”

Damn that Bill. I bet there wasn’t a kernel of truth to his entire story. I hope they popped him right in the face.

Sorry, I’m being really corny.

Now that’s how you rock some puns.

ANYWAYS. Zonkers came back in four limited edition retro-looking boxes, and here they are! (You can see an example of an old school box on the Wikipedia page I referred to earlier that none of you clicked on.)

I wound up with limited edition box #3.

I’m happy with my box. I think it’s the most sinister-sounding. I imagine my box of Zonkers hovering around my house for days. I catch glimpses of it in the window, but think my eyes are playing tricks on me. Then, late at night, as I’m watching a rerun of Golden Girls, it suddenly bursts through my front door, eyes wild. “Did you MISS ME, baby?” It says, right before it violently stabs me 17 times, laughing maniacally the whole time.

Screaming Yellow Zonkers should be happy I’m not on their marketing team.

I should probably get to the actual product at some point. Given that “Screaming Yellow Zonkers” gives you zero clue as to what the actual product is, the box goes on to describe the product as “crispy butter-glazed popcorn snack!” Zonkers loves exclamation marks.

I’m not sure exactly what a Zonker is, but these little guys are certainly Screaming Yellow. This is not a color that occurs in nature. The glaze just adds to the unnaturalness. I feel like I should be repulsed, but I’m really not. I’ve eaten blue popcorn before. How many times am I going to reference Pop Qwiz in this review?

Considering I hadn’t viewed those commercials before I ate Zonkers for the first time, I was surprised to find that there was quite a bit of sweetness to them. I suppose I shouldn’t have been, but I’m dumb, whatever. It’s impossible to not immediately think of Cracker Jacks when you eat them. They feel exactly the same in your hand – glazed and a little sticky.

They also taste remarkably similar; take out the nuts and exchange caramel coating for butter coating, and there you have it. There’s really no better way to describe them.

The taste combination of butter and sugar is disconcerting at first, and yet I found that I kept eating them. After my mouth accepted the combination, I actually started liking them, until my sugar limits kicked in. The glaze also gives them a nice crunch, which I liked. It feels like one of those snacks you sit down with in front of the tv, and before you know it, you’ve eaten the entire box and consumed 360 calories.

Would I buy again? (Or in this case, use my own money to acquire.) Probably not. I like popcorn, and I like butter, but I don’t have much of a sweet tooth, and Screaming Yellow Zonkers are pretty damn sweet. While I accepted the combination of butter and sugar surprisingly easily, I can see how it would not sit well with others. I wish they could have been butter-glazed without the sugar, but I’m pretty sure you can’t glaze anything without using sugar, so I guess I’ll just have to wait for some sort of futuristic non-sugar-glaze technology.

While I didn’t like the sugar, I have to give props to the Zonkers marketing team for their excellent sense of humor. It’s not going to make me like the popcorn any more than I did, but I appreciate their efforts nonetheless.

If you like sugar and you’ve always wished Cracker Jacks had no nuts and tasted like butter, then you’ll like Screaming Yellow Zonkers. Unfortunately, they don’t come with a surprise toy. I only ate Cracker Jacks as a child because I was hoping for some temporary tattoos.

Screaming Yellow Zonkers will be available exclusively at Walgreen’s nationwide, so don’t search your local grocery stores fruitlessly, because you’ll only be met with heartbreak.

Required disclosure: my box of Screaming Yellow Zonkers was provided to me as a free sample by ConAgra Foods. As always, I remain objective and often insulting.)

Screaming Yellow Zonkers!

  • Score: 3.5 out of 5 sticky fingers. I hate having sticky fingers.
  • Price: Free sample, but you can score a box for $1.00
  • Size: 3 oz. box
  • Purchased at: Sent to me, but you can find them exclusively at Walgreen’s nationwide
  • Nutritional Quirks: That shade of yellow does not occur in nature.

34 thoughts on “Screaming Yellow Zonkers!”

  1. I’m sorry, but Zonkers taste nothing like cracker jacks. Cracker Jacks have a more molasses taste, where as, Zonkers has a more buttery sugary taste. If you don’t have a sweet tooth, why the heck are you reviewing a popcorn slathered with sugar? I hate reviews like these. Reviewing products they won’t care for from the start because of food preferences. Also, you think the combination of buttery flavor and sugar is weird? Wow! I guess you really don’t eat much sweets.

    1. Screaming Yellow Zonkers were the bomb, why did they ever stop making them? You know you can still get SYZ merch, T-shirts and stuff to this day, but the product is no longer available. I weep for the younger generations whom never got to experience the greatness.

  2. butter… sugar… popcorn… hmm… sounds sort of like kettle corn. who would ever enjoy such a concept?

  3. Actually, Scott, what I said was, “They also taste remarkably similar; take out the nuts and exchange caramel coating for butter coating, and there you have it.” The taste of the popcorn itself, and the texture, are, like I said, remarkably similar.

    Just because I don’t have a sweet tooth doesn’t mean I hate sugar and everything with sugar in it. I’ve reviewed quite a few sugary products and rated them favorably. Believe it or not, I even buy cookies sometimes!

    Frank – yeah, kinda forgot kettle corn existed when I was writing this. Kettle corn isn’t glazed, though, is it? It’s hard to believe, but there are gaps in my encyclopedic knowledge of snack foods!

  4. kelley,

    i like that you took such soulcrushing criticism, rolled with it and approached it with humor. it is a reflection of why your reviews are so entertaining and an example as to why you bring so much joy to others. some people would have told scott to go eat a hotdog but you were kind and did your best to explain yourself.you also made a joke.

    you are right that kettle corn doesn’t really have a weird glaze/coating on it like this does but the flavor profile sounds somewhat similar.

    what are your five favorite appetizers of all time???

  5. Frank, you just opened up a huge can of worms. I came home from the store, and she was just sitting there, staring into space, thinking about goddamned appetizers. DVR paused, only the sound of the AC blowing to compliment her contemplation. Seriously, it spawned a whole conversation. I’ll let her give you the list when she gets a chance – we just hashed it out. She is a fucking appetizer robot. “‘Tis no man. ‘Tis a remorseless eatin’ machine!”

  6. Fuck it, it’s appetizer talk all day in this thread. Let’s talk about appetizers!

    My top five:

    1. Nachos. Fucking love nachos.
    2. Crab rangoon
    3. Egg rolls
    4. Whatever you call a Bloomin’ Onion without stamping trademarks all over the place. Horseradish dip! Fuck yeah!
    5. Calamari. I once made the squids dance for Kelley when she was leery of them.

    What about you, Frank? DON’T JUST SIT THERE TALK ABOUT APPETIZERS!

  7. wow i like this bob guy he really speaks with excitement that is rarely seen these days and it just is absolutely contagious; i will say that bob’s enthusiasm has caused me to be invigorated – bob has taken what was, admittedly, just a simple inquiry regarding appetizers to an unwavering passion for them… he truly caused my love for appetizers to go from something i acknowledged but never embraced to something that now defines me as a man. with that said…

    1.) calamari. the reason why i have calamari at number one is quite simple, really: it is special. here’s my rationale: there are SO MANY lackluster calamaris out there, you know? yet, undeniably, there are times when i receive an indescribably poetic palate-pleasing creation that it makes me realize that calamari must be handled by a skilled, creative and purposeful chef. i think that a lot of appetizers have become dumbed down these days, you know? let’s be real – any monkey can coat something in batter and deep fry it and it’ll be good. but, calamari… well, calamari has that potential to reach decadence that most other appetizers simply cannot reach.

    2.) nachos. i’m with you on this one – nachos are absolutely fantastic. what i love about them is that they are the quintessential appetizer – they are excellent for sharing and pretty much satisfy whatever craving each person has. you in the mood for salty? check. crunchy? check. cheesy? check. spicy? throw some jalepenos on their and enjoy. etc, etc. honestly, – i think nachos are excellent because in their most basic form (chips and cheese) they are fantastic, but they can also be really versatile. for example, i love BBQ. ever had pulled pork nachos? AWESOME. i also think that, unlike calamari, nachos are pretty easy to not screw up, so they are a safe go-to option. i view them as old reliable.

    3.) chips & guacamole. i debated having this on the list at all because i know that some people will say “dude, you listed nachos….” but those people can get lost. i love guacamole. i mean, i absolutely love guacamole. this may be my favorite appetizer of all time, honestly. i don’t know why i didn’t rate it at #1… maybe I just don’t have the confidence and vigor that bob has… :/

    4.) chicken wings. i feel chicken wings are good. i like them really crispy. i think these are also good in so many ways – from dry rub to drenched in hot sauce! it is nice that there are so many new and creative flavors of these coming out, too. few things in this world are as satisfying as a basket of great chicken wings and an ice cold beer. i also feel that these basically always come with carrots and celery, which i feel are an underrated addition to the chicken wings, especially because i LOVE BLEU CHEESE (i’m talking GOOD bleu cheese dressing). 🙂

    5.) french fries. classic. simple. delicious.

  8. bob, please encourage kelley to answer this question…… it is burning a hole in my heart, i need to know.

  9. I am so sorry to be late to the party, especially since this is my freakin’ website, but I don’t want mr. frank furter to have a heart attack, so hear is my long awaited top 5 appetizers list:

    1. Spinach artichoke dip – If it’s on the menu, I’m getting it. No question. I’ve had good and I’ve had not-so-good, but I just cannot resist it. I’ll take it with tortilla chips, but if a restaurant offers something like garlic bread or pita wedges, even better. I’d list spinach artichoke dip as one of my favorite foods, not just appetizers.

    2. Crab rangoon – Bob and I tied on this one. I’ve had downright blah rangoon, but when it’s done right, it is a cream cheese and imitation krab heaven.

    3. Chili con queso – I’ll also take salsa con queso or pretty much any queso dip done right. If it’s melted cheese, I am so there. Have I mentioned I love dip?

    4. Jalapeño poppers – That combination of spicy pepper, batter, and cheese filling (I prefer cream cheese, but I’ll take tasty melty cheese) makes for the perfect appetizer/snack. And, of course, you can’t have poppers without ranch for dipping. DIP!

    5. Chips and salsa – It may sound shockingly pedestrian, but a great fresh salsa with a made-in-house, thin, crispy, salty, somewhat greasy tortilla chip is the perfect thing to shove in your face while waiting for your main order. Plus, many times they are complimentary, and who doesn’t like free food?

    That is my painstakingly thought-out list. I could probably go on and on, but I already have. Thanks to everyone who participated in this conversation – it made for a great comments thread (even though it has nothing to do with the post!)

  10. Last night I was out on a date with a young lady and we were discussing what our favorite appetizers are. She, like Kelley, stated that the SPINACH ARTICHOKE DIP is her favorite – a lofty status for the lowly, humble artichoke, in my opinion. We were at California Pizza Kitchen and decided that we should get the Spinach & Artichoke Thin Crust Pizza – and it was delicious! I had them cook it just a tad bit extra (I like my thin crust pizza to have a snap to it), which proved to be a great decision. The top became a dark golden brown, which brought out the nuttiness of the parmesan cheese, creating a flavor profile that contrasted and complemented the richness of the Spinach Artichoke Dip. Also, the desired crunch of the crust was achieved, adding a much needed textural element to the creaminess of the toppings. It was absolutely fantastic! I would highly recommend this to you, Kelley.

    God bless, my friends.

    PS: If we ever get together for appetizers, it is safe to say that we all can get nachos and dip – I think that will be a happy balance for us all.

    You are wonderful human beings.

  11. Blah, i pretty much hate popcorn. Not for the flavor, which is boss! but for the texture. I love those Pop’n’corn things…which are sort of “fake” popcorn, airpopped cornmeal things with popcorn “flavoring”. I would totally dig a crackerjack version of that stuff, or a zonkers version. Sweet/Salty/Buttery is a great flavor combo.

    As far as appetizers go, sometimes i can just eat them and skip the entree. My favorites, in order are:

    5. Crab Rangoons/Fried Cheese Wontons – these things need no introductions, but they are often too crunchy for me. Sometimes i just gnaw off the belly and toss the “wings” back on the plate.
    4. MicroQuiche – you know, the tiny quichelets, bursting with bacony cheddar goodness, or spinachy florentine-ness….the flavor is in the ness.
    3. Pigs-n-a-blanket – When these are done right, imo, they are phenomenal. I like a lighter, flaky blanket myself with a good solid minidog (nathans are great, the snap when you bite into it is great). I have had these with cheese, bacon and cheese, and chili bacon and cheese. You can’t go wrong.
    2. Crab Cakes – I don’t know if these count, because i see them as entrees at so many places but i had some smaller ones at a party once and man, it was delish.
    1. Spanakopita – I can eat these where ever, when ever…flaky buttery puff pastry with a spinach/cream cheese filing? can’t go wrong here.

  12. very interesting list simulated.soul i like it you really went on a ledge there and outside the box you truly got me thinking about my choices perhaps i played it too safe or i didn’t push myself to really reflect on all appetizers ever because i think pigs in a blanket and crab cakes are both absolutely fantastic when done right hmmm….

    i am near tears because i feel like i failed you all……….

    your friend,

    frank furter

  13. with a name like frank furter, pigs-in-a-blanket should have been on your list for sure. You haven’t failed us, but the brave pigs who gave so much, who paid the ultimate price for our pre entree hunger.

    Let us share a moment of silence.

  14. frank – I’ve only ever had CPK’s frozen version of the spinach artichoke, and it’s been a while, but I seem to remember it being quite delicious. I’m sure the fresh version is even better.

    Two appetizers that I left off the list that I’m conflicted as to whether they should be included or not: roasted garlic hummus and skordalia, which I’ve only ever had at a local joint called Posidon (yes, that is how they spelled it). It was AMAZING. Unfortunately, that place was incredibly poorly managed and is now closed.

    Oh, and S.S, I am so with you on just skipping entrees and going for appetizers. High five.

  15. ahh Skorthalia (or skordalia if you prefer), i have only had it once. It was delicious (served with salt cod) until it introduced me to anaphylaxis-it is often made with walnuts and/or almonds, and i am allergic to both. The taste though, was devine. maybe a hint too much garlic. I love garlic as much as the next man (unless the next man is dracula) but it was just a hint too much.

    Which brings me to hummus. when done well, its great but more often than not, it’s too much garlic. plus it’s hard for me to find a vehicle for my hummus. Most chips have too much crunch for me.

    I had an app at a chinese place once called Sparrow’s nest…it was some kind of “basket” of fried twig looking things. they were very delicate, crispy, and buttery. there was some asian spice action going on, and garlic, with a hint of heat (like you get from rooster sauce, but not as aggro). Then, in the middle of the thing, was a popcorn chicken sized bite of bar-b-q fried sparrow. These things were addictively delicious. Like heroin/crack level addictiveness. No restaurants in my current area make this, or even know what i’m talking about when i describe it. One of the foods i miss the most from the D.C./metro area.

    🙁

  16. My top 5 appetizers:

    1. Brats
    2. Brats & Beer
    3. Brats & Cheese
    4. Brats & Onions
    5. Brats & Kraut

  17. Ha ha, seriously S.S. I can just imagine. “I EAT BRATS FOR BREAKFAST, BITCH! (Also lunch and dinner)”

  18. Screaming Yellow Zonkers, Monty Python’s Flying Circus and other stimulants. Super seventies.

  19. Screaming Yellow Zonkers are the bomb! Fiddle Faddle and Crunch n Munch don’t compare. And Poppycock…’nuff said. I’m SO glad they brought SYZ back! It’s long overdue!

  20. Loved them to death in the seventies. They just popped my cork, so to speak. I thought Generals were the top, buy Colonels (Kernels) outrank them with me. Munchies beware.

  21. Great blog Kelley, first time here. A month or so back I saw SYZ at a Walgreen’s and had a what..what..what moment. They’re back…yayyyy! So I bought as many boxes as I could carry to the counter. My boy lives in Japan and I ‘was’ going to surprise him by sending them to him. While we were skyping one day I couldn’t resist and showed him the box. He freaked, very good Mom moment. I ‘was’ going to send them to him but can’t cause I ate all but 1 box. I couldn’t help it. It’s SYZ afterall for the love of….Anyway, I trek back to Walgreen’s and the Mgr. offered to check his inventory. He said the dreaded word discontinued. They just came back!! Needless to say I’m gonna be in some deep do do if I don’t find some. I have the #’s of 5 Walgreen’s I’m going to call as soon as they open to see if there are any in stock and plead w/them to please hold them for me til I get there. Question…do you think just selling them at Walgreen’s was a way to intro them back into the market to see if the fan base is still there? I HAVE to find them. Talk about something being as addictive as heroin. He keeps asking me, when ya gonna send them Mom? People are actually selling 1 box online for $9.99! I love my boy but (sorry Phil) not that much. Any suggestions, info would be greatly appreciated from anyone that knows the pain of a SYZ crisis. Thx for reading.

  22. Are the screaming yellow zonkers still available? I have been searching for these for years! Please tell me they are! Thanks 🙂

  23. Where are my SCREAMIN” YELLOW ZONKERS!!!!!! It’s been over a year since they were promised and I have yet to find them online or at Walgreen’s!!

  24. I just sent a request to Conagra brands to bring back screaming yellow zonkers. Maybe if a lot of us put in a request. I went on line.

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