I feel like I should warn you right off the bat that this is less of a review of a cookie and more a review of a brand. It’s about the zeitgiest of the product. Sure, I’ll let you know how it tastes, but that’s not really the point here.

What I’m saying is that we’re about to go on an adventure.

There’s no reason to pretend you’re not going to immediately notice the most awesome thing about the front of this cookie package – Cadiz. Cadiz is an anthropomorphized unicorn wearing a letter jacket with no sleeves and no shirt underneath. He has a dangling earring and a smug expression on his face as he twirls his long, luxurious mane.

In short, Cadiz is one of the awesomest things I have ever seen.

I’d never in my life heard of Einhorn’s Epic Cookies before I found this little gem in my Karepax box. And there’s a comic inside? About a unicorn?? eeeeeee! And then I turned the package over…

omg omg omg. There’s more of them. At this point, I ran to the Internet to find Einhorn’s website, and when I got there, I found a treasure trove beyond compare.

The unicorns as a whole are called the R.E.F., or Royal Einhorn Force. Are you getting excited yet? If not, you should be, because on their website there’s a full bio for every unicorn.

Which we’ll get to in a second, but first, I’d like to mention that they live in Eintropolis. This includes such destinations as Einhorn Palace: “Legend has it that the Most Radical Pony chose this site for its natural beauty and strategic importance centuries ago.”

The Most Radical Pony, you guys.

There’s also the Federal Oat Reserve, and the Emergency Room Hip-Hop Club, where “not only will they diagnose your illest moves, they’ll write you a prescription for the sickest beats in the galaxy courtesy of resident spin-master D.J. BABY NOISES!”

I’m officially dying. I can’t go on.

But I have to, because I still have to tell you about the unicorns themselves.

This is Houston, and in case you couldn’t tell from his shades, his fist-smashing and his grim visage, he’s the leader of the R.E.F. The bios on these unicorns are extensive, so I’ll just give you the highlights:

“In his teens he formed the still feared Dust Devils hyper-bike gang, a band of like-minded rebels dedicated to helping the underprivileged folk of the fringe territories.”

Favorite Snack: Sarsaparilla Sodey and Cactus Candy

Finishing Move: All of HIS moves are finishing moves

In conclusion, Houston is a total badass leader who rides a hyper-bike but also loves “Sodey”. This is the unicorn that gets all the lady unicorns.

“Sporting huge muscles and an even bigger heart, Broxburn does not know the meaning of the word defeat (and not just because the orphanage dictionary was missing letters C through J).”

Hair Color / Style: Orange Mullet

Catchphrase: ‘Bro

Broxburn is obviously the dumb but loveable heavy-lifter of the group. If this were a game of D&D, he’d be a troll. It’s so nice to see R.E.F. isn’t exactly shattering stereotypes.

“As the youngest member of the Royal Einhorn Force, Romsey is a true innovator when it comes to style and swagger. Although hot-headed and impulsive, this show pony can actually back up his trash talking with his lightning fast hooves; equally impressive in a fight or on the dance floor.”

Group Affiliation: Royal Einhorn Force, Boogie Knightz Breaking Crew

Catchphrase: “Nerds”

Romsey is the AC Slater of R.E.F. He hates nerds and, actually, I could imagine AC Slater wearing that outfit. Unfortunately for Romsey, Saved by the Bell was 25 years ago. But I’m sure the Boogie Knightz Breaking Crew kicks ass.

“Born into a life of wealth and privilege, Cadiz is a Prince with royal blood in his veins and an exceptionally acerbic wit. Attending the finest schools in the galaxy afforded him unprecedented access to cutting edge technologies; Cadiz’s passion for inventing grew as fast as his reputation for excess.”

Accessory: Robot Butler Gerard Van Nest

Fun Fact: Cadiz’s mane is insured for several million oats by the reputable Pony Brothers Insurance Stable

Cadiz is the rich fancypants of the group who always adjusts his mane after a fight. His bio actually makes him sound like kind of a shithead. He’s the wealthy unicorn that they keep around for funding purposes.

My god, it’s like the Royal Einhorn Force was made for Saturday morning cartoons. If only they had a theme song. Oh wait – THEY DO. Go anywhere on their site and click on the little “play” button on the left. I promise you won’t be disappointed, but I also promise that you’ll hate me for getting it stuck in your head for the rest of your life.

While they don’t have a cartoon – YET – they do have comics that come with each cookie! I got Issue #4 of Quest for the Einhorn, which is titled Rumble in the Brox. You can, and should, read it in its full glory here.

In it, Broxburn fights Bullhorn Barnes, an awesome-looking bull with a gnarly scar over his face and one broken horn. Highlights include Broxburn getting uppercutted onto a table of apples, Bullhorn getting elbowed into a table of French bread, Broxburn getting tossed into a display of startled-looking fish, and finally one of the vendors asking why Broxburn hates fish so much. Love it.

Bullhorn’s about to bitch out on the fight just because some guy named Farragut (the main bad guy?) told him to come home, but Brox holds him back, explaining how each of his unibros would have already defeated Barnes (gotta catch ’em all, kids!) but how “when all else fails, I hold the line!”

Bullhorn then takes an innocent young newspony with an inexplicable cockney accent and tosses him in the air, for some reason, but Brox catches him and says, “Always remember, bro, be strong, be good.” Then there’s a little joke about how the pony shouldn’t copy Broxburns actions exactly, and we’re done.

Wait…we’re done? What? I mean, I know comics have long, drawn-out storylines, but all that got accomplished here was some poor horses (not unicorns, for some reason) had their livelihoods destroyed and one pony learned to be strong and good (bro). The theme song had more plot than that.

I forgive Einhorn, though, because Bullhorn Barnes would make an awesome action figure and the market would be a great playset to destroy.

Did I mention that all of this, all of it, is designed around some cookies?

Each ‘corn has its own flavor: Houston gets Chocolate Chip & Potato Chip, Romsey gets Peanut Butter, Bacon & Chocolate Chip, Broxburn gets Oatmeal Chocolate Chip & Maple, and Cadiz, as you might have figured out from the title, gets Birthday Cake, Crisped Rice & Sprinkles.

I feel like all of these have their own interesting qualities, but I’d guess Broxburn has the tastiest cookie. You just had to go and show off with the bacon, didn’t you, Romsey? And putting potato chips in a cookie is a bold move, Houston. Bold like your hyper-bike.

Which is not to say I drew the short stick with Cadiz. I love that the flavor is specifically birthday cake, which obviously tastes different than regular cake. It’s also the most colorful of all the Epic Cookies, with its sprinkles that remind me of Funfetti, which will always fill me with joy. Plus, there’s crisped rice, which means you got off-brand Rice Krispies in my cookie!

Einhorn’s Epic Cookies are quite large – about the diameter of a softball, I’d say. Sort of like Grandma’s cookies before Grandma got cranky and shrunk them by about 50%. What’s also nice is that inside the package, both the cookie and the comic are wrapped individually, so you don’t have crumbs all over your comic, nor do you feel weird about eating a cookie that’s been touching a comic, if that’s something you’re inclined to feel weird about.

The texture of the cookie is very crunchy and crumbly, and my immediate impression of the flavor was “bizarre”. I think what I tasted first was the crisped rice, which was a flavor very out of place in the cookie world. Slowly, the taste of sweet cake emerged, but it was very artificial-tasting. The sprinkles were there just for decoration, and they did indeed make the cookie look festive.

It was hard to tell if the rice added to the crunchiness or just added to the off flavor, but it definitely was not a welcome addition. There was a buttery flavor too, but it just clashed with the fake cake taste. Honestly, this cookie was pretty terrible. Sorry, Cadiz!

But, like I said from the start, I was much more exciting to write about the world of the Royal Einhorn Force than to eat a cookie. So, while the cookie sucked, I feel like Einhorn’s Epic Cookies gave me much more happiness than any sweet treat could provide.

ROYAL EINHORN FORCE! ROYAL EINHORN FORCE!

Einhorn’s Epic Cookies Cadiz Birthday Cake, Crisped Rice & Sprinkles

• Score: 4.5 out of 5 ROYAL EINHORN F- oh god I am never going to get the theme song out of my head
• Price: Indeterminate (part of a Karepax box)
• Size: 1 cookie
• Purchased at: I was going to say you could purchase your own Epic Cookies here, but I just noticed their store has been under construction for over a year. Did I just eat THE LAST EINHORN EPIC COOKIE?! Also how old was the cookie I just ate? That could explain some things…
• Nutritional Quirk: …I just checked and I can’t find an expiration date on my cookie. So I think I just ate rancid butter cookie? Hurgh.