Category Archives: Fast Food

Fast Food

McDonald’s Fish McBites

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McDonald's Fish McBites ContainerHey guys, know what time it is?

It’s Lent, of course! The time of year when every fast food joint ramps up advertising on or creates a new fish product!

Wait…Lent is a holiday that isn’t specifically engineered to sell fast food fish? It’s some sort of religious thing? Man, I had no idea.

I am, of course, joking. But in case you weren’t aware, Lent lasts 40 days, during which time Catholics are not supposed to eat red meat, pork, chicken and probably a bunch of other meats I’m forgetting. I’m oversimplifying here, but if you’d like to know more about Lent, consult your local Internet!

Catholics can, however, eat fish, which is why fast food companies really roll out the red carpet for these water-dwellers. It may not be the only time they serve fish, but it’s when fish really shines on their menus. And if reading the Internet has taught me anything, it’s the best time to order fish, because it moves off the shelves faster, thus ensuring that you get a fresher product.

For the record, I have never, ever eaten fish from a fast food restaurant. Sorry, Long John Silver’s. It just seems like such a bad idea to me. I’m sure it’s probably fine – otherwise the news would be all over people constantly getting sick from it – but I’d probably rather eat 99% of any fast food restaurant’s offerings than fish.

For the record, I’m pretty sure bagged spinach has made more people sick than fast food fish. Just saying.

I decided to set my paranoia about fast food fish aside and try McDonald’s new Fish McBites. McDonald’s already has the Filet-O-Fish, but these McBites are a new and limited time menu item, and they set themselves apart in the world of fast food fish by not being a sandwich.

This is the part where I thought I’d start talking about the food itself. But then I saw the Fish McBites commercial.

M’gawd.

We start with a cabin, presumably located deep in the woods. The décor screams “rustic hunter” – a bearskin rug, pelts slung over the couch, and a lamp fashioned out of antlers. There’s a dude sitting on the couch, and two young women walk in.

Every bone in my body says that this is a bad situation. Is the dude on the couch a serial killer with a trophy collection of women’s heads just off-screen? Are they going to start a ménage à trois, which will result in a 100% chance of some disfigured maniac bursting in and slaughtering them all with a chainsaw?

Something awful is about to happen, of that I am sure. However, the nature of this impending doom is far worse than I imagined.

Before I even had a chance to notice what would truly make my skin crawl, one of the women asks the guy on the couch, “Hey, what are those?”

“Mmmm, McDonald’s new Fish McBites.” This response comes not from the man, but from a fish. Hanging on the wall.

And then it happens.

“FISHY FISHAAAAY!”

Suddenly, “Ba-ZIIIIING” Ruffles girl doesn’t seem quite so bad.

Get ready, because I am about to break this down.

Remember Big Mouth Billy Bass? You do. I know you do. Well, this is like I stepped into a time machine and fell into the middle of a Spencer Gifts circa 1998. However, instead of just one Billy Bass, there are 15 of them. And they are, for lack of a better term…”rapping”.

“Fishfish McBites, McBites. Fishfish McBites, McBites.

FISHY FISHAAAAY!”

At this point, the guy on the couch is nodding his head to the beat, like there’s absolutely nothing horribly wrong with this situation, proving that he must have something wrong in his head.

The camera pans out to show the whole panel of fish, all wiggling around like Billy Fucking Bass, and we get the full brunt of it – it’s the sound of an F-list Salt-N-Pepa cover band. Of fish.

“Fish McBites are succulent and breaded to perfection/So take a trip to Mickey-D’s and get-get-get-getya soooome”

At this point, an invisible, innocuous voiceover guy tells you the mundane details while all three humans sit around enjoying their Fish McBites. The whole thing only lasts 31 seconds, but I feel like I have lost part of my soul and about ten years off my life. It doesn’t help that I had to replay it a dozen times to make sure I got all the lyrics just right. Is there a word for something that goes beyond masochism?

Another little part of me withered and died away when I saw you could go to McDonald’s website and “create a mix of our catchy tune”. I would normally enjoy a pun like using the word “catchy”, but I hate McDonald’s so much right now that I can’t enjoy it.

While a phat beat plays in the background, you can click on a panel of fish like the one in the commercial, except all these fish say different and stupid things like “dipdipdip” and “TANGY TARTAAAAAR!”. After you’re done recording your abomination, you can share it with your friends on Facebook. And then you will have no more friends.

Okay. I’ve done it. I watched it so you don’t have to. Now let’s actually talk about the food. Hopefully it will help me forget what I just watched. Though I have a feeling I will never forget.

McDonald's Fish McBites

I’m a big fan of poppable foods like popcorn chicken, so McDonald’s already had me there. Burgers and sandwiches have their place in my heart, of course, but I’m a sucker for bite-sized dippables. Perhaps that’s what made me feel more comfortable making this my first fast food fish.

McDonald's Fish McBites Tartar Sauce

That said, let’s get real, here – we’re dealing with fish at McDonald’s. The jingle from MADtv’s “Lowered Expectations” skit ran through my head pretty much the whole time I was purchasing them. To compare Fish McBites to fish from a nice restaurant would be like comparing a McDouble to a kobe beef steak. It wouldn’t be fair.

McDonald's Fish McBite

To my surprise, I found there was no need to set the bar so low that a midget could clear it in a pole jump competition. The breading was light but crunchy, with no sogginess in sight. It looked seasoned, but the seasoning was very light.

McDonald's Fish McBites Inside

The fish itself was flaky and moist, with a very mild fish flavor. It was so flaky, in fact, that the McBites had a tendency to fall apart when dipped in the tartar sauce. A bit of a pop-and-dip malfunction, but I didn’t mind. While I have just enough decorum left not to do this in public, I had no problem getting my fingers saucy by fishing (augh) the rogue pieces out of the tartar, which was nice and tangy, complimenting the poppers.

I found myself trusting McDonald’s like I trusted the Gorton’s fisherman during my youth. It was impossible not to notice the similarity – like Gorton’s fish sticks, the Fish McBites were flaky, mild, and breaded, although I have to say, McDonald’s beat Gorton’s in the breading department by not being a soggy mess.

I ordered the “snack size” McBites, which turned out to be 13 McBites that wound up feeling like half a meal.

This being my first foray into the world of fast food fish, I can’t compare McDonald’s Fish McBites against any other restaurant’s fish offerings. On the plus side, having a virgin palate gave me an arguably objective opinion of them.

Sure, McDonald’s Fish McBites aren’t haute cuisine. But if you ask me, they’re a tasty treat that I would actually order again. While the fish (Alaskan Pollock, allegedly) might have a flavor too mild for some, they were moist, flaky, crunchy, and very poppable. I surprised even myself when I realized that I would definitely order these again, which had better be soon, since they’re a limited-time offer that will presumably disappear when Lent is over.

McDonald’s Fish McBites

  • Score: 4 out of 5 FISHY FI– you know what I can’t do it
  • Price: $2.29
  • Size: Snack Size (13 pieces)
  • Purchased at: McDonald’s
  • Nutritional Quirks: Pollock is specifically listed as the first ingredient, which is, well, more than I can say for Gorton’s fish sticks!

Other Fish McBites reviews: Brand Eating, GrubGrade, The Impulsive Buy

Fast Food

Jack in the Box Hot Mess Burger and Hot Mess Wedges

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Jack in the Box Hot Mess BurgerOut of all the fast food marketing currently out there, I’ve always enjoyed Jack in the Box’s the most. I feel like Jack, the walking, talking antenna ball head, should be creepy, but unlike the King, he’s not. He’s personable! And he even makes some commercials that are actually funny. That’s no small feat.

When I saw the commercial for Jack’s new Hot Mess Burger, which aired during the Super Bowl, I instantly liked it. Jack in a hair band named “Meat Riot”? Sounds like something I would make up. Naming your burger after your fake one-hit wonder “Hot Mess”? Giving your burger a derogatory name shows that you can laugh at yourself, and I appreciate that.

After showing the lovingly mocking 1989 music video, the commercial cuts to Jack and his son watching the video. Jack says to Jack Jr., “And that’s how I met your mother.” Imagining Jack and his giant ball head bangin’ some Meat Riot groupie on the tour bus is an image I’m working really hard to keep out of my mind, but it is the perfect ending to the commercial.

What really makes me love the Hot Mess marketing campaign, however, is its website. Seriously. Just click it, even though I’m going to describe it in detail anyways.

It’s cute that you can download the song, and the lyrics, etc., but my very favoritest part is the “Legendary Moves” section. There are four animated .gifs to click on, but what I care about are the names of the moves: “Sourdough Slap”, “Jalapeño Hammer”, “Onion Slicer”, and the one I fell in love with and actually laughed out loud at, “Spicy Spasm”.

I swear to god, this is all stuff my friends and I would come up with whilst sitting around shooting the shit. And I don’t even smoke weed.

It’s hard to make fun of something that’s already making fun of itself, but I will go for the low-hanging fruit and quip that “Spicy Spasm” sounds like something that happens to your colon after eating a Hot Mess Burger. Alternatively, I think I did the Spicy Spasm once when I accidentally inhaled some Tapatio sauce. Don’t ask.

The “Meat Riot Memories” gallery section also has some gems, my instant favorite being Jack rocking out on top of a volcano while lightning shoots from the sky and a dragon and a gargoyle do a little animated .gif dance. There’s a sick part of me that wants to tattoo this upon my person. Thank god I really don’t smoke weed. My decision-making skills are obviously poor enough as it is.

The last little funny part of this promo site is a section entitled “It Still Exists: MYSPACE”, with a button that will, indeed, take you to Meat Riot’s myspace page.

It’s all brilliant.

But what about the burger, you say? Fuck you, forget the burger. 5 out of 5 on the Hot Mess marketing campaign. End of review.

…Okay, fine. I’ll tell you about the damn burger.

Hot Mess Burger

Jack in the Box Hot Mess Burger

The promo picture for the Hot Mess Burger deserves a two-page spread in Food Porn Magazine, but we all know promo pics are a far cry from the real thing. I still found mine enticing, though.

Jack describes the Hot Mess as “Beef patty seasoned with salt and pepper topped with mayo-onion sauce, melted white cheddar and pepper jack cheese, fried onion rings and sliced jalapenos on sourdough bread.”

I love Jack in the Box’s sourdough buns. They always look toasted, but are usually just greasy and buttery. Some might consider this a minus, but I love them. The bun on my Hot Mess burger did not fail to live up to these rather low expectations.

Jack in the Box Hot Mess Burger Inside

If I was meant to take the words “Hot” and “Mess” literally, I would definitely credit Jack in the Box for getting the second word right. The sauce complimented the melted cheeses nicely, and boy was there a lot of melted cheese. It seems almost impossibly melted, like some cheese slice/sauce hybrid. It will get on your hands. It will possibly get on your shirt. And it was the shining star of the Hot Mess Burger. There’s not much heat from the pepper jack, but it was still a gooey delight.

Jack in the Box Hot Mess Burger Inside Close-Up

As you can see, the onion rings and jalapeño slices were present, as promised. They positioned the rings well, since I got a piece in almost every bite. Unfortunately, the crunchiness that should be present in a fried onion ring didn’t stand a chance against the sauce and melted cheese, so while it did add a nice fried flavor, the texture wasn’t really there.

The onion string inside also added some nice flavor, although I had some problems preventing the entire string from sliding out upon my first bite, which is a component of onion rings I’ve always found annoying.

The “Hot” part is mainly supposed to come from the jalapeños. When I got one in a bite, it did add some pleasant heat and even a little crunch. The key problem here is the word “when”. As you can see, my burger had four jalapeño slices. This is most definitely not enough.

I really liked the Hot Mess Burger – enough to order it again, even. There were some flaws – mainly the sogginess of the onion rings and the lack of jalapeño slice coverage – but the messy, gooey cheese and the sourdough bun worked so well with the burger itself that even the bites that weren’t spicy were still satisfying. I’m glad that I enjoyed this burger so much, because making a “hot mess” joke about the Hot Mess Burger would be a horrible thing to have to do.

Hot Mess Wedges

Jack in the Box Hot Mess Wedges

Reviewing Hot Mess Wedges is kind of an afterthought; I ordered them because I’ve always liked Jack’s Cheddar Bacon Potato Wedges, so I figured, why not?

Jack describes them as “Potato wedges topped with a melted white cheddar and pepperjack cheese sauce and sliced jalapeños.”

Notably, they use the phrase “cheese sauce” here. Since the cheese on my wedges was pretty identical to the cheese on my burger, I’m now wondering if my mouth (and my napkins) were right – is it a cheese sauce, or melted cheese? It is a delicious, gooey mystery.

Jack in the Box Hot Mess Wedges Close-Up

Hot Mess Wedges suffer some of the same faults as the burger, and a problem all too common with Jack’s Wedges – three or four of the wedges are absolutely coated in cheese, and the rest remain sadly dry, although still crunchy on the outside and fluffy on the inside. There were also exactly three jalapeños to cover at least a dozen wedges, which just doesn’t cut it.

Instead of spreading the sauce love thin, I’ve come to enjoy Jack’s saturated wedges on their own and then dipping the dry ones in some ranch dressing or mustard. This is obviously not ideal, since an order of Hot Mess Wedges should be able to hold their own, especially if you’re going to be eating them somewhere where extra condiments aren’t an option.

The best parts of Hot Mess Wedges are pretty much the best parts of the Hot Mess Burger – gooey sauce and crunchy, hot jalapeño slices. Like the burger, they suffer a severe jalapeño shortage; unlike the burger, however, the Wedges suffer a serious lack of cheese distribution. Maybe if I ordered some Hot Mess Wedges with double the toppings next time, they’d be more worthwhile. But also more expensive.

Despite its flaws, I very much enjoyed the Hot Mess Burger. The combination of buttery sourdough, excessive amounts of melty cheese, onions, and jalapeños all combined to make a tasty, messy burger. I would have liked to have seen more come from the onion rings as well as the jalapeños, but that crazy cheese was what really got me.

As for the Hot Mess Wedges, they suffered from a severe lack of topping distribution, which is not uncommon for Jack in the Box Wedges. The toppings that were there were just as tasty on the wedges as they were on the burger, but I’d probably opt out on them next time around.

The real winner here, however, is the Hot Mess marketing campaign. I’m scoring the food, of course, but the mythos surrounding the burger is a definite 5 out of 5. Jack in the Box’s ability to make fun of itself and create an extensive and well-crafted marketing campaign is a skill that I wish other fast food corporations would pick up. I’d like to give them all a Sourdough Slap.

Jack in the Box Hot Mess Burger

  • Score: 4 out of 5 …What else? SPICY SPASMS
  • Price: $4.29
  • Size: 1 burger
  • Purchased at: Jack in the Box #1165
  • Nutritional Quirks: Get your daily recommended intake of saturated fat all in one burger!

Jack in the Box Hot Mess Wedges

  • Score: 3 out of 5 Sadly absent Jalapeño Hammers
  • Price: $2.69
  • Size: 1 box
  • Purchased at: Jack in the Box #1165
  • Nutritional Quirks: 44 delicious grams of fat from one innocent box of potato wedges.

Man Reviews Food and The Impulsive Buy also got messy with the Hot Mess Burger.

Fast Food

Burger King Cheesy Tots

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Burger King Cheesy Tots BoxCheesy Tots! I don’t know why I like those words so much, but I do. Say it out loud and with enthusiasm. CHEESY TOTS! CHEESY TOOOOOTS!

Okay, well that just looks like “Cheesy Toots”, which, while even more fun to say, is getting off-topic. I have the mind of a child.

Cheesy Tots are the third item I’ve had from Burger King’s winter menu, following their Molten Fudge Bites and Avocado and Swiss Burger.

“Tots”, besides being a synonym for “children of an annoying age”, is short for tater tots. Upon further research, I found out that “tater tots” are not as simple as they seem. I’ll let Wikipedia explain: “Tater Tots, a registered trademark of Ore-Ida, are a commercial form of hash browns, a side dish made from deep-fried, grated potatoes. They are widely recognized by their crispness, cylindrical shape and small size.”

Here we learn not only what tater tots are, but also that Ore-Ida is a total dick. Really, you’re going to trademark Tater Tots? Way to hamstring every fast food chain that sells deep-fried potatoes, which is pretty much all of them.

Of course, fast food marketers are clever, which is why Arby’s has “Loaded Potato Bites”, Jack in the Box and Whataburger both went with “Hash Brown Sticks”, and McDonald’s just skirted the issue altogether by going with hash brown patties.

Sonic threw the middle finger at Ore-Ida and just went with “Tots”, a smart move that Burger King has obviously adopted. These ain’t just regular tots, though. These are Cheesy Tots!

Burger King Cheesy Tots

Honestly, I would have been satisfied with just tots. Who doesn’t like a deep-fried grated potato? By adding cheese inside, however, BK upped the ante. Now I have cheesy expectations. I’ve tried Arby’s Loaded Potato Bites, which are supposedly filled with cheese and bacon, and they were a big letdown. Can Burger King rise above?

Yes, yes they can! I was pleasantly surprised by my Cheesy Tots. The outside was nice and crispy, which is a must for tots. Nobody wants a soggy tot.

Burger King Cheesy Tots Inside

There was a nice cheese-to-tater ratio inside, and you could actually taste the cheese, which was my main worry. The potato was just the right texture – not mushy but also not raw-crunchy – and the creaminess of the cheese worked well with it.

As a point of comparison, the overall taste and texture was more like McDonald’s hash browns than Sonic’s Tots, which I liked. I find Sonic’s Tots to be a bit dry and crumbly, and McD’s patties to be crunchier and moister, which is pretty much what BK’s Cheesy Tots were like, with the added bonus of cheese.

This may sound paradoxical, but I liked Cheesy Tots enough to want more from them. My first thought was that adding some jalapeño bits in with the cheese would be perfect. My second thought was that Cheesy Tots were begging for some dipping sauce.

Burger King’s Cheesy Tots deliver what they claim to be: “Crunchy bite-sized snacks perfect at any time of the day – featuring a crispy outside and a warm mixture of potatoes and creamy American cheese on the inside.” They’re not bland or boring, per se – I just want more out of them. I’m like the overbearing parent who frowns at an A- on her kid’s report card.

In other words, I’m a jerk. You’re a good snack, Cheesy Tots. I’m being a little unreasonable.

…Hey, wait a second, here. Take a look at Cheesy Tots’ page on Burger King’s website.

What’s this, now? Cheese Tots? Excuse me? Last I looked, you were Cheesy Tots, through and through. What happened? “Cheesy” Tots was too, well…cheesy for you? Trying to take all the fun out of Cheesy Tots and be all “adult”?

I’m not buyin’ it. I smell a conspiracy. I…have no idea what that conspiracy is, but I smell it. Coincidentally, it smells like grease.

Update: So curious was I about this Cheesy/Cheese thing that I decided to go back to receipt to see what it said…

Burger King Cheesy Tots Receipt

AHA! Proof of the cheesiness! In fact, they were so set on getting that “y” in there that they even sacrificed an S for a Z! I’M WATCHING YOU, BURGER KING. Just like The King used to watch people through their bedroom windows, before they “retired” him.

Also proof that I dug this out of my trash, since you can see the wet coffee grounds on the bottom of the receipt. You gotta get your hands a little dirty when you’re doing real investigative reporting.

Burger King Cheesy Tots

  • Score: 4 out of 5 name-changin’ flim-flammers
  • Price: $2.49
  • Size: Medium (10 Tots)
  • Purchased at: Burger King #17145
  • Nutritional Quirks: Not much unexpected here, but expect a blast of 880 milligrams of sodium for a medium order. May I also suggest adding to that number by having a little sriracha with your Tots?

Brand Eating, GrubGrade and The Impulsive Buy also reviewed these Tots. And they were all Cheesy.

Fast Food

Burger King Avocado and Swiss Burger

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Burger King Avocado and Swiss Whopper BoxBurger King has a tradition of rolling out seasonal menus, which I think is a great idea, because it allows them to play around with adding new items without bloating their menu to the point of ridiculousness.

It also means that their seasonal items are only available for a limited time, and if you’re a sucker like me, “limited time” means “I’d better eat this crap before it goes away forever”.

In case you’re not aware of how seasons work, this is the time of year for BK’s winter menu. Among their offerings are the Italian Chicken Sandwich, which is not new but is making a comeback, and some new items, like the Philly Chicken Sandwich and Molten Fudge Bites, which I recently reviewed for The Impulsive Buy.

Today we’ll be looking at the Avocado and Swiss Whopper, which is another new item. BK is a little behind the times in the avocado burger craze – Carl’s Jr./Hardee’s has offered the Guacamole Bacon Burger for years and Wendy’s has had both burger and chicken offerings featuring the guac.

I’m surprised I never reviewed any of these, because I love me some avocados. I think, subconsciously, I figured I’d be prejudiced against them.

Fact of the matter is, I’m kind of a snob when it comes to this fatty fruit. I grew up around the corner from my grandparents, who had a giant, glorious avocado tree in their backyard. They were always so plentiful that I never even glanced at avocados at the grocery store.

When I moved to Arizona, I was disgusted by the avocados I saw at the store. What were these black, wrinkly things? They looked sad and rotten.

I had to educate myself to learn that if you see avocados at the store, you’re probably looking at Hass. My grandparents had a Fuerte tree. If you’ve ever been raised with home-grown produce, you probably understand – anything from the garden is going to taste better than what you can buy at the store, whether it’s all in your mind or it really is true.

So naturally, I will forever look at Hass as being inferior to Fuertes. It’s illogical. However, I’m all about expanding my horizons, so I’m giving the Avocado and Swiss Whopper a fair shake.

 Burger King Avocado and Swiss Whopper

Burger King says, “Our new Avocado and Swiss WHOPPER® Sandwich is ¼ lb* of savory fire-grilled beef, topped with naturally smoked thick-cut bacon, melted Swiss cheese, a creamy avocado spread, freshly cut iceberg lettuce, ripe tomatoes, and a zesty avocado aioli, all on a warm, toasted, sesame seed bun.”

There’s a lot going on, there. One of the first things I noticed is that the aioli (oooo, fancy) and the avocado spread combined to make a very saucy burger. You have to have confidence to eat this burger in public, because things are going to get messy.

I tasted the aioli, a word which would cost someone dearly on Wheel of Fortune, by itself, and it really was zesty, but I couldn’t taste much avocado in it.

Burger King Avocado and Swiss Whopper Halves

However, the zestiness of the sauce paired well with the avocado, which seemed like it couldn’t decide if it wanted to be a spread or a slice. Half my burger had a chunky avocado paste, while the other had a big hunk of the fruit. I actually would have preferred if the whole burger had had avocado slices on it, because you could definitely taste more of it that way.

Burger King Avocado and Swiss Whopper Inside

The Swiss cheese did add some melty and creamy textures, but the flavor was swallowed up by the stronger elements. In fact, the avocado and the bacon were the strongest companions to the burger patty. The bacon was surprisingly crispy for a fast food burger, an attribute I feel is owed to the fact that it was, indeed, thick-cut.

Despite what sounds like a burger with a lot of competing elements, the Avocado and Swiss Whopper works. The zestiness of the aioli, plus the creaminess of the avocado and the cheese, are contrasted by the crunchy and smoky bacon, and the fire-grilled patty tied it all together. I could have done without the tomato and lettuce; they didn’t really add much, but they didn’t get in the way, either.

The Avocado and Swiss Whopper is a solid addition to Burger King’s winter menu. I would have liked to have had some nice, thick slices of avocado instead of a half-mashed spread, and the aioli could have just as easily been called “zesty” instead of “zesty avocado”, but the bacon was smoky and crunchy, which is rather rare for a fast food burger.

After my experience with this Whopper, I may try some of the other guac burgers out there. I’ll always love my Fuertes fresh off the tree, but I’m willing to keep an open mind and an open mouth when it comes to other avocados.

Burger King Avocado and Swiss Burger

  • Score: 4 out of 5 “sometimes Ys”
  • Price: $5.29
  • Size: 1 burger
  • Purchased at: Burger King #17145
  • Nutritional Quirks: Weighing in with 1,510 milligrams of sodium, you’re gonna want to get a drink with that. And some napkins.

The Impulsive Buy also reviewed this burger.

Fast Food, News

News: Popeyes Chicken Wants you to Grip It and Dip It with Three New Dipping Sauces

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I am a big fan of dipping foods into other foods, so the announcement that Popeyes Chicken is adding three new flavors to their line of “Signature” dipping sauces makes me happy (and hungry).

In addition to the already existing BBQ, Ranch, and Mardi Gras Mustard Signature Dipping Sauces, Popeyes is adding Bayou Buffalo, Sweet Heat and Blackened Ranch to the lineup. Here’s the breakdown:

Bayou Buffalo: “A cayenne pepper hot sauce blended with butter, celery and Cajun seasonings.”

Sweet Heat: “Sweet honey dipping sauce kicked up with Louisiana hot sauce, vinegar and a special blend of peppers.”

Blackened Ranch: “Traditional buttermilk ranch dressing mixed with onion, garlic, a blend of peppers (white, black and red) and Blackened seasoning.”

As a bonus, throughout the month of September you can get three Handcrafted Tenders with the purchase of an eight piece or greater box or family meal at regular price.

Oh, you’re sneaky, Popeyes. What better vehicle to try out their new sauces than some free chicken tenders?

Sources: RestaurantNews.com, Popeyes

Fast Food, News

News: Domino’s – Get 50% Off Any Pizza When You Order Online

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I’m not usually one to post about deals (unless they’re flat-out freebies), but I’ve taken advantage of this deal before, and I have to say, it’s pretty awesome.

From now until August 12, order any Domino’s pizza online via their website  or using their mobile app, use the promo code “50off”, and get any pizza for 50% off its menu price. Any pizza, including their Artisan pizzas, their American Legends line, or that dangerously-overloaded-with-toppings custom pie you’ve been customizing in your dreams. I assume you have pizza dreams like I do.

Plus, when you order off their website, you get to watch Domino’s Pizza Tracker, so you can see exactly when Dave has quality-checked your pizza!

Take advantage of this deal while you can – again, the promo code is “50off”, and the deal ends August 12!

Fast Food

Taco Bell Cantina Bowl

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They did it.  They finally did it.  After years of jokes about Taco Bell just reusing the same half-dozen ingredients to create new menu items, The Bell flipped the bird in your face, teamed up with chef Lorena Garcia, and made a whole new line of products called the Taco Bell Cantina.
I bet you feel ashamed for making fun of them now, don’t you?

We’ve got a lot of ground to cover here, so let’s start with this mysterious chef Lorena Garcia. Who is she? What are her credentials? Let’s play Internet P.I.

First of all, she has no Wikipedia page. This immediately sets off red alarms. As far as I’m concerned, if it doesn’t have a Wikipedia page, it either doesn’t exist or isn’t worth mentioning.

Junk Food Betty notwithstanding, of course.

That said, she does have some credentials, if you could call them that. She was on season four of Top Chef Masters. She did not win. She is on the current season of Top Chef Masters. Results TBD. She was a judge on America’s Next Great Restaurant. It was canceled after the first season due to low ratings. She has a website. She owns? Is executive chef of? Lorena Garcia Cocina restaurant. It is located in the Miami Airport. Concourse D.

No word on how many Michelin stars it has received.

Speaking of Top Chef Masters, here’s a fun little tidbit: during both the first and second episodes (the only episodes that have aired as of this post), Bravo aired Taco Bell Cantina commercials that focused heavily on chef Garcia. Hmmm. The show also airs this fine-print disclaimer at the end of every episode: “Winning and elimination decisions were made by the Judges in consultation with the Producers. Some elimination decisions were discussed with Bravo.”

I’m not saying there’s a conspiracy here or anything. Just…pointing that out.

Ooooookay, so we know who we’re working with, here. Now let’s see what we’re working with.

Working off the Taco Bell press release, chef Garcia worked with Taco Bell’s food innovators to come up with 26 new recipes, which they then narrowed down to 8.

These aren’t just eight new “recipes” using the same ol’ Taco Bell ingredients, however. These are eight new recipes using eight new ingredients.

The ingredients: “Whole black beans, cilantro rice, 100-percent all-white meat chicken in a citrus and herb marinade, guacamole made with 100-percent Hass avocado, fire-roasted corn salsa, creamy cilantro dressing, romaine lettuce and pico de gallo.”

Well, those certainly are a departure from Taco Bell’s current ingredients! That sounds sarcastic, but I’m actually serious. Minus the pico de gallo, which sounds rather similar to Taco Bell’s Fresco Menu’s “fiesta salsa”, these are all brand new and sound very promising.

The recipes: Cantina Bowl, Cantina Burrito, chips and guacamole, chips and roasted corn & pepper salsa, chips and pico de gallo, and cilantro rice topped with black beans.

I’m no math major, but I only count six new menu options there. To indulge Taco Bell, however, I’ll count their chips as a “new recipe”, since they are prepared in-store daily (which they presumably were not before), and count the rice and beans as two separate recipes. Okay, there. That makes eight.

Reviewing all eight new items would make for a lengthy review, and my verbosity is already embarrassing enough as it is. Thankfully, Taco Bell has made it easy for me – they’ve stuffed pretty much every new item into their Cantina Bowl. The official description: “Experience our new citrus-herb marinated chicken, flavorful black beans, guacamole made from real Hass avocados, roasted corn & pepper salsa, a creamy cilantro dressing, and freshly-prepared pico de gallo, all served on a bed of cilantro rice. Also available in Steak or Veggie.”

Wow, that’s a lot of…everything Cantina. I don’t know whether to thank Taco Bell for making my job easier, or curse them for having to go through an excavation journey to unearth, photograph, and taste each of these unique individual items.

If you’re wondering about the Cantina Burrito, just take everything I say about the Cantina Bowl and dump it into a tortilla. Seriously. It’s the exact same stuff, but instead of using a fork, you can eat it while you drive, dumping creamy cilantro dressing on your crotch, which will make for an awkward situation when you’re talking to the cops after getting into a fender bender while picking corn and beans off the front of your shirt. “Officer, it’s creamy cilantro dressing, I swear! …No, that is not a euphemism!”

Here we have the bowl, in all its seven-new-ingredients glory. Actually, make that eight? While Taco Bell’s description of the Cantina Bowl makes no mention of lettuce, it is obviously present, luring you into thinking you might actually be eating a salad. The most crowded salad in the history of salads.

This, however, is no salad. ‘Tis a bowl. My bowl was handed to me at the drive-thru by a man with a large bandage on his finger, covered by a plastic glove. Apparently he was not competent enough to cut tortillas into triangles for their in-house tortilla chips.

Well, he didn’t do much better at the drive-thru, as my Cantina Bowl was sideways in the bag he handed to me, and the lid was also not secured, resulting in some of my citrus-herb marinated chicken spilling into the bag and everything shifting sideways. I shook the bowl back into place and put the chicken back in when I got home, giving no fucks that it had touched the probably-unsanitary bag. I’ve eaten off worse.

Okay, let’s break this shit down. For my own sense of organization, we’ll go from bottom to top.

Cilantro rice:

Described by Taco Bell as: “Our fluffy white rice contains an authentic hint of cilantro and perfectly compliments any Cantina Bowl or Burrito.”

My experience: The rice was indeed fluffy and well-cooked; it was moist and tasty, but they must really be emphasizing the “hint” part of cilantro, because I detected no cilantro taste at all. And I know my cilantro.

Black beans:

Taco Bell: Described as “tasty and flavorful”. Not much to say about beans, I guess.

Me: As you might be able to tell by the picture, the beans were rather mushy. I didn’t mind, though; I love black beans, and these were full-flavored. Plus, their juices mixed in with the rice, which only added to the rice’s moistness and flavor.

Roasted corn & pepper salsa:

TB: “Includes sweet roasted corn and bright, beautiful red and green bell peppers.”

Me: The corn does, indeed, look roasted, and I was surprised that it actually tasted roasted, too. I didn’t really see any green peppers, but the little bits of red pepper added some nice color and a detectible bit of flavor.

Guacamole:

TB: “Our enticing guacamole includes real Hass avocados, ripe tomatoes, onions, cilantro, and a little kick of lime.”

Me: I call bullshit on this one. The guacamole does have a strong, authentic, delicious avocado flavor, but it’s more like avocado purée than guac. There are no chunks, and no taste of tomatoes, onions, cilantro, or lime, that I could tell. Hell, I’d still put it on just about anything I order from Taco Bell just because I love avocados, but don’t expect much other than creamy avocado that’s probably been pushed through a pastry bag.

Citrus-herb marinated chicken (also pictured above):

TB: “Our grilled, premium white-meat chicken is marinated in a savory blend of lemon and fresh herbs.”

Me: I take issue with the word “premium”, here. My immediate thought upon eating the chicken was of those Foster Farms pre-cooked chicken strips that come in the red pouches. The chicken was moist, but had a processed texture to it. There was a hint of citrus flavor, but not as much as I would have liked, and I don’t know what kind of herbs they used, but I couldn’t taste any of them.

Pico de gallo:

Taco Bell and I pretty much agree here. Tomatoes, onions, and cilantro. The tomatoes were fresh and the onions were crunchy, which are pretty much the only places you can go wrong with pico. I didn’t bother taking a picture because if you can’t imagine chopped tomatoes and onions mixed with cilantro, you have no culinary imagination. Plus, I was pretty tired of taking pictures at this point.

Creamy cilantro dressing:

Taco Bell has no specific description of the dressing on their website, and neither do I, because I couldn’t find an appreciable amount to take a picture of, nor could I really taste a specific cilantro dressing-like substance.

After carefully partitioning and tasting each of the individual ingredients, I was finally able to eat the Cantina Bowl in what I assume was its intended form, and by that I mean, I took my fork and mixed all that shit together into a giant mass of Cantina ingredients. The result? In this case, I’d have to say the whole was greater than the sum of its parts. While some of the ingredients were disappointing by themselves, with everything mixed together, there were lots of different textures, from the crunchiness of the corn and onions to the creaminess of the “guacamole”. I have to believe there was actually some dressing in there, because everything was very moist.

Overall, I have to say Taco Bell’s Cantina Bowl was just okay. There were some hits, like the texture of the rice and the flavor of the beans, and some misses, like the processed feel of the chicken and the disappointing lack of cilantro flavor, despite it being a key part of several ingredients. Also, the Bell makes a big deal in proclaiming that the lettuce is romaine, but it looked and tasted just like regular shredded iceberg to me.

I might give some of the other Cantina Bell items a try – maybe the bean and rice bowl, heck, why not throw some of that avocado paste on top – but the next time I go to Taco Bell, I won’t be getting another Cantina Bowl. I appreciate the effort TB took in revitalizing their menu, but the overall execution was lacking in the flavors it promised.

Good luck on Top Chef Masters, Lorena Garcia. Perhaps you’ll fare better there than you did at Taco Bell. And if Bravo and its sponsors have anything to say about it, I’m sure you’ll do just fine.

Other Taco Bell Cantina Menu reviews: Brand Eating, Fast Food Geek, GrubGrade, So Good, The Impulsive Buy

Taco Bell Cantina Bowl

  • Score: 3 out of 5 totally-not-rigged reality TV cooking shows
  • Price: $4.79
  • Size: 1 bowl
  • Purchased at: Taco Bell #004989
  • Nutritional Quirks: I had this odd feeling I was eating something mildly healthy while consuming the Cantina Bowl. Sure enough, it has less calories and fat than the chicken Fiesta Taco Salad, weighing in at an impressive-for-fast-food 560 calories and 22 grams of fat.
Fast Food

Burger King Summer Menu: Sweet Potato Fries and Memphis BBQ Pulled Pork Sandwich

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I kicked off my reviews of Burger King’s Summer Menu with the Bacon Sundae, defying tradition and having my dessert first. Burger King says I can have it my way, and I’m doing it, dammit.

Next up, we have our side dish and main course – namely, Sweet Potato Fries and the Memphis BBQ Pulled Pork Sandwich.

Burger King Sweet Potato Fries

Sweet potatoes seem to be the most recent trend making the rounds at major fast food restaurants. I’m sure they’ve been available regionally, somewhere, in some places I’m too lazy to look up, but recently they’ve been introduced on a nationwide level on the big chains’ menus. Sonic has Sweet Potato Tots, Wendy’s recently introduced their own Sweet Potato Fries, And Chick-fil-A had Sweet Potato Waffle Fries, although that seemed to be a limited edition item.

Not to be outdone, Burger King now has their own Sweet Potato Fries.

Burger King describes these fries as “sweet and savory alternative to our French fries, served hot and freshly prepared, they are the perfect combination of salty and sweet. Enjoy the crispy outside and the tender sweetness on the inside.”

I’ve never actually had sweet potato fries before, so this was a completely new experience for me. I am not used to my fries being an even brighter orange than The Thing. Foods like carrots and oranges obviously share a similar hue, but if I’m going to Burger King, I’m not there to improve my eyesight or ward off scurvy. I’m there to improve my chances of getting Type II diabetes.

The fries had a nice texture; they were crunchy without being hard, and were, as advertised, crispy on the outside and tender on the inside. They also seemed longer than regular fries, with very few short fries in the box. I hate when half my order of fries turn out to be an inch long. Fries are made for dipping, and short fries make that messy and difficult.

Speaking of dipping, I ate my Sweet Potato Fries straight, because I was unsure what would be the appropriate dip for them. Again, as promised, they were both sweet and savory, but seemed to lean more towards the sweet side.

Unfortunately, my fries seemed to be undersalted. With more salt, I feel like the sweet and savory balance would have been more even, which would have led to a more enjoyable sweet potato fry experience. They were also lukewarm at best, despite my local Burger King being less than a five minute drive away from my home. I can’t hold that against the fries, though; that can often be attributed to the vagaries of different restaurant locations.

Burger King’s Sweet Potato Fries were a new experience for me, and I was happy to have tried them. I’m not a big fan of sweet and savory together, but even with the salt level not being up to my taste, I did eat the whole order. As fries go, the texture was pretty much ideal – just the right crispiness on the outside, with tender innards. There was an almost negligible number of soggy, overcooked, or short fries, which is a rare thing in my fast food experience.

If you’re into sweet and savory, Burger King’s Sweet Potato Fries will be right up your alley. Get ’em while you can, though; Burger King’s Summer Menu obviously will only last…well, through the summer, I’m assuming. If you don’t understand the concept of seasons, then I can’t help you.

Burger King Mephis BBQ Pulled Pork Sandwich

I’ve never been to Memphis, or the South, or to any place that’s really known for their barbecue prowess. However, between the Food Network and the Travel Channel, I’ve probably seen about 15 different shows about barbeque. I’ve also had some really great pulled pork from local BBQ joints. I’m not claiming that either of these things makes me an expert by any means, but I’m pretty confident that I can tell the difference between good barbecue and crappy barbeque.

Let the indignant comments from residents of true barbecue cities commence!

And yes, I do plan to spell bar-b-que in all of the different and yet “officially” acceptable ways throughout this review. I like to keep it fresh.

Burger King’s official description of their BBQ sandwich: “The Memphis BBQ Pulled Pork Sandwich combines tender pulled pork with the hickory-smoked and sweet flavor of Memphis BBQ Sauce, topped with sliced onions, and a sweet southern sauce, all on a warm, toasted artisan-style bun.”

Hm. Both “Memphis BBQ sauce and “sweet southern sauce”? I’m not even sure what the latter means, but we’ll see how these two play together.

Speaking of the sauces, we’ll start with those first. As you can see, there was some…runoff from my sandwich. Despite looking somewhat unappealing, this did give me the chance to taste the sauces separately. I found the sweet southern sauce to be tangy and, indeed, a little sweet, but the flavor wasn’t overpowering. I’d like to think this was engineered, as one wouldn’t want the southern sauce to overwhelm one of the key components of any bbq sandwich, which is, of course, the barbecue sauce.

Unfortunately, the Q sauce is a letdown. It basically tastes like the barbeque sauce you would dip your chicken nuggets into. Into which you would dip your nuggets. I want to say it’s a little bit richer, but that may just be my mouth trying not to think Burger King would disgrace the good name of barbecue by just dumping little dipping tubs of sauce onto their Memphis BBQ Pulled Pork Sandwiches.

BK appears to use their regular sesame seed hamburger buns for the Memphis sandwich, which was a poor choice. Due to the inherent flimsiness of fast food buns and the plethora of sauce, my pulled pork sandwich was soggy as hell right from the start, and continued to disintegrate drastically as I ate it. Barbecue is supposed to be messy, but I expect more than a sad bun that disappears into mushy nothingness when I’m eating a pulled pork sandwich.

Let’s get to the meat of things, HAHAHAHA okay. The pork exceeded my expectations, but my expectations were admittedly low to begin with. Parts of the meat were thinly shredded and tender, which was enjoyable, but there were also punctuations of large, dry chunks, which were disappointing. Each bite was a crapshoot on what quality of pork I would get. The onions added a little crunch, which was nice, but didn’t really add any flavor to the sandwich.

A fast food restaurant taking on “real” bar-b-que and having the balls to call it the Memphis BBQ Pulled Pork Sandwich is already setting itself up for failure, or, at the very least, intense scrutiny. Unfortunately for Burger King, their execution was pretty much what was expected. Sub-par sauce, a soggy bun, flavorless onions, and inconsistent meat texture. The one good thing I can say is that the pulled pork surprised me in that there were actual hints of tender shredded meat hidden under all that sauce that almost made me believe I was eating actual barbecue.

My advice to fast food restaurants is this: do not mess with something as iconic as barbecue. It’s too risky. Stick to coming out with outrageous shit, like sticking a milkshake inside a hamburger or something. That way, nobody can ever fault you for being inauthentic or sub-par, because nobody knows what the fuck you’re doing in the first place.

Burger King Summer Menu: Sweet Potato Fries

  • Score: 4 out of 5 foods The Thing can relate to
  • Price: $2.09
  • Size: Small
  • Purchased at: Burger King #17145
  • Nutritional Quirks: Nothing too crazy, but if anyone eats a ton of these and your skin turns orange, please let me know!

Burger King Summer Menu: Memphis BBQ Pulled Pork Sandwich

  • Score: 1.5 out of 5 angry barbeque lovers
  • Price: $3.99
  • Size: 1 sandwich
  • Purchased at: Burger King #17145
  • Nutritional Quirks: BBQ sauce may actually just be BK’s dipping sauce. No confirmation on that.
Fast Food

Burger King Summer Menu: Bacon Sundae

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Did you know Burger King has a summer menu? I did not, until now. I have been writing reviews for almost three years now and, while I do have the memory of a goldfish, I don’t think I’d ever heard of it. What a shitty food reviewer.

But I know about it now, and I sure am glad I do, because that means I get to eat and write about the Bacon Sundae. I think history will show that there’s nothing better than throwing bacon onto or into someplace it shouldn’t be. Did I say better? I meant nauseating and traumatic. Why do they keep doing this to me? Oh, right. The hype.

Burger King describes their sundae as “Sweet and savory made with cool, creamy and velvety vanilla soft serve, chocolate fudge and smooth caramel, made to order with our new thick hardwood smoked bacon.”

I have to say, I’m relieved they went with caramel over the bacon-flavored syrup that Jack in the Box uses in their Bacon Shake. My unease would have gone from “eh, I can do this” to “please don’t make me vomit, seriously guys, I can’t take this anymore”.

The official description glosses over the actual function of the bacon in the sundae, but it’s basically a chocolate and caramel sundae sprinkled with pieces of bacon and garnished with a somewhat disturbing-looking full strip of bacon. It’s not often that I’m disturbed by garnishes. Piece of parsley on the edge of my plate? Kind of a waste of vegetation if you ask me, but completely normal. Celery in my Bloody Mary? Cumbersome, but good for stirring, at least. Sundaes need cherries on top. Not bacon.

I didn’t realize the bacon “garnish” would be a full strip of bacon. When I went to pull it out, thanks to the stickiness of the caramel and chocolate, half the sundae came with it and I almost lost half my ice cream treat on the kitchen counter. Most of the blob fell back in the cup, fortunately, and what you see here is the full glory of my bacon garnish. Looks delicious.

I actually tried the garnish strip first, thinking that it would either assuage my fears or prepare me to steel my stomach for the upcoming horror.

To my surprise, it did the former. The bacon was indeed thick, crunchy, and smoky; it far exceeded the quality of the side of limp bacon you’d get at Denny’s or the sad, flavorless bacon strips that come on most fast food bacon cheeseburgers. Even the part with the vanilla ice cream on it was not unpleasant, which was encouraging.

The vanilla ice cream was your typical soft serve, and the chocolate was thick and rich, much like you’d find in a typical sundae. The caramel was also thick, although I found that much of it had found its way to the bottom of my cup. In fact, it would have made a perfectly enjoyable chocolate caramel sundae in and of itself.

But this is not a typical sundae. It’s a Bacon Sundae.

I was surprised to find that I got at least a few bits of bacon in each bite of my sundae. I don’t know if there were bits hiding underneath the surface, or if the King has some sort of bacon magic, but it seemed like there were more pieces of bacon in the cup than appeared on the surface. Bacon magic.

It was obvious that they used the same bacon for the crumbles as was used for the garnish, because it was just as thick and smoky, and even stayed crisp in the ice cream, which is no small feat. I tried to get bacon, ice cream, chocolate and caramel in each bite, and I have to say, I was not repulsed!

Somehow, the vanilla and the bacon worked well together, creating that sweet and savory sensation as promised by BK. The chocolate was so rich that it actually overwhelmed most of the bacon taste, but the crunch combined with the chocolate was a great combo.

Conversely, it was the bacon that swallowed up a lot of the caramel flavor. It almost seemed like there was a disconnect; first I’d taste the bacon, then the caramel, but no real caramel-bacon taste. Having conquered vanilla-bacon and chocolate-bacon already, I was disappointed that the two didn’t want to be friends. It’s hard to believe I just said that. I wanted to taste caramel-bacon. What is happening to me?

I ate the entire sundae, which left me plum surprised. I went into Burger King’s Bacon Sundae with expectations of revulsion, but found myself actually kind of enjoying it. The quality of the bacon was fantastic and stayed crunchy even when drenched in ice cream, it somehow worked with the flavor of the vanilla soft serve, and even though the richness of the chocolate swallowed up the taste of the bacon, it still made a fun chocolatey crunch. The bacon and the caramel didn’t meld, but I was still able to enjoy their individual flavors.

Since I ate the whole thing, you may be wondering, would I buy it again? Well, the simple answer is…probably not. While I found much of the Bacon Sundae shockingly inoffensive, there’s something about having bacon in my ice cream that just doesn’t sit well with me. Call it mouth instinct – while I was able to judge the bacon and its interaction with the sundae’s various components objectively, overall, I just didn’t feel right eating it. Plus, that bacon garnish just creeps me out.

I believe Burger King’s motto is still “Have It Your Way”. If that’s really true, I just might roll up to the tinny speaker of BK’s drive-thru and order a Bacon Sundae with the bacon on the side, minus the crumbles, plus a few extra bacon strips. It’s a solid sundae, and I can’t get over how great the quality of the bacon is. I would love to enjoy them…separately.

Maybe I’ll get some weird looks at the window, but I don’t care. Don’t judge me, Burger King employee! You are compelled to make it MY WAY. Plus, it would be fun to watch the person struggle to figure out which buttons to push to make my order happen. Sweet, salty revenge.

There’s obviously more to Burger King’s Summer Menu than the Bacon Sundae, so keep a look out in the days to come, as I plan on reviewing some of the other highlights (well, we’ll see about that) on BK’s seasonal menu.

(The Impulsive Buy, So Good, Brand Eating and GrubGrade also weighed in on the Bacon Sundae.)

Burger King Summer Menu: Bacon Sundae

  • Score: 3.5 out of 5 magic bacon crumbles
  • Price: $2.59
  • Size: Uh…Burger King sundae-sized? There’s no size provided on BK’s website.
  • Purchased at: Burger King #17145
  • Nutritional Quirks: Goddamn that bacon was good. Talk about a quirk – who would have expected great bacon from a fast food joint?
Fast Food, News

News: Popeye’s Rip’n Chick’n Returns; Still Prefers Apostrophes Over Vowels

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I first wrote about Popeye’s Rip’n Chick’n back in July of last year; I never got around to reviewing it, probably because of time or real life or something stupid like that. Well, now it’s back! Here’s the official description:

“Rip’n Chick’n is a boneless chicken breast marinated with a blend of spicy peppers, then hand-battered, breaded and cooked. The chicken breast is sliced into pull-apart strips that are easy to rip and dip. This portable treat is served with cool buttermilk ranch dipping sauce for $3.99 and available as a combo with Cajun fries and a biscuit for just $1 more.”

I’m not an angry person, but if I need to take out some aggression, I think I’d rather do it on food as opposed to, say, my bathroom mirror. It also sounds a lot more tasty and a lot less painful.

GrubGrade actually reviewed Rip’n Chick’n last year, and while it’s hard to tell from the promo photo above, apparently it looks eerily like a monster hand, which makes it all the better. Who doesn’t want to rip off and then consume monster fingers? If you don’t, something is wrong with you.

Rip’n Chick’n is only back for a limited time, so if you want the chance to rip and dip (as opposed to grip and sip, which is a very different thing), head over to Popeye’s soon.