Category Archives: Fast Food

Fast Food

Junk Food Foibles: McDonald’s Spicy McDouble

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Recently, I was driving past a local McDonald’s and I spotted this sign:

Spicy McDouble
Me, on a busy street corner at 7am, trying to look inconspicuous

Bob and I buzzed with speculation all the way home.  What would be on this new Spicy McDouble?  Pepper jack cheese seemed an obvious choice.  Jalapeños, maybe?  Perhaps a special mayo-based sauce with some zing?  Nah, that’s probably too much effort for a $1 value menu burger.

I got home and slid onto the Internet, eager to see what it had to say about this new offering.  I’ve been burned by fast food’s so-called “spicy” offerings (such as Burger King’s Angry Whopper), but there are some guys out there capable of delivering some heat (such as Carl’s Jr.’s Jalapeño Burger).  I’m always willing to give it a shot.

…Unfortunately, my search was fruitless.  There was absolutely no buzz about the Spicy McDouble on the Interwaves.  What gives?  I was starting to get suspicious.  I decided to write McDonald’s an email, but in the middle of writing it, I found the phone number of the location in question.  Great, I could go right to the source.

I was expecting much confusion when I called the restaurant.  A bored-sounding girl answered the phone, and I explained what I had seen on the sign and inquired as to what this new menu item entailed.  She told me to hold on, and I assumed she had no idea what I was talking about and was going to pass me off to someone else.  Instead, she was taking an order.  When she got back, she said, “Actually, it’s because they look close together but it’s actually the Hot ‘n Spicy chicken and the McDouble.”

Aha!  While that sentence doesn’t make a whole lot of sense, it’s what my growing suspicion had been all along.  The Hot ‘n Spicy chicken sandwich and the McDouble are both on McDonald’s Dollar Menu.  Or are they?  I can find no mention of the Hot ‘n Spicy on the McDonald’s official website, but if you search for it on Google, you’ll find plenty of other websites that mention it by name and even offer detailed nutritional information.  Again I ask, what gives, McDonald’s?  Why are you trying so hard to hide the Hot ‘n Spicy?  And who in their right mind would just put “$1 spicy” on a sign?  That doesn’t even mean anything!  Spicy what, for heaven’s sakes?!

One solved mystery and one new mystery later, I have my answer.  I have to say, I’m a little disappointed.  I was looking forward to trying the Spicy McDouble.  My only consolation is the idea that, every day, dozens of people flood into that McDonald’s, angrily demanding the Spicy McDouble that was advertised on the sign.  Their hunger and their need for spice fills them with rage, until they are a single entity, a raving mob of lunatics shouting profanities and threatening to sue for false advertising.  Flustered employees back away and mutter impotently, unable to logically explain the separation of spicy and McDouble to the masses.  Chaos reigns throughout.

Fast Food

Del Taco Shredded Beef Taco Del Carbon

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When I heard that Lou Dobbs was leaving CNN, it reminded me how puzzled I am about the whole immigration debate. And by “debate”, I mean lot of douchebags like Lou Dobbs yelling ridiculous things and making mountains out of assorted mole hills. Personally, I don’t see the problem. I love Mexico, and Mexican culture.

I visit Mexico every chance I get. It has everything you could possibly want in a Third World country you can visit easily and then thank Christ you don’t live there. It has great music. It has a beautiful language. It has cheap liquor. It has cheap women. It has a very laid-back attitude about public drunkenness and attendant antics. It has an easily bribable (and subsequently cheerful) police force. And above all, it has incredible food, across the entire nation. I’ve never had a bad meal in Mexico.

In my opinion, the best dish to be had in Mexico is the taco. Put what you want in it: carnitas, camaron, al pastor, or my favorite, cabeza, it’s a goddamned delight, and as rich in history as it is in flavor.

Sadly, most Americans (I’m looking at you, too, Canada) have never had a taco. There is an abomination being passed as a taco around American food vendors like a tired whore lying boneless in a fried corn shell.

Maybe that’s a little strong. I’ve been known to enjoy an American-style “taco”, and the owner of this site apparently freaking loves them if they’re dyed black in an inexplicable marketing ploy. But for nervous white guys like me, who furtively prowl the bad parts of town and stutter awkwardly accented Spanish to nonplussed strangers for our fix, it’s just not the real thing.

That was until 2003, and the release of Del Taco’s Taco Del Carbon line of products. It’s about as authentic as you can get without dodging roving bands of angry young cholos or submitting to uncomfortable border searches. I only recently heard that Del Taco also re-released their shredded beef offerings. It’s the best thing to happen to Del Taco since they discontinued carnitas.

Del Taco Shredded Beef Taco Del Carbon

The Del Taco Shredded Beef Taco Del Carbon consists of slow-simmered shredded beef, minced onions, chopped cilantro, and a “California” chili sauce, on two warm corn tortillas. I’m not sure what the Hell a “California chili sauce” is supposed to be, but the important thing is what the Taco Del Carbon does not include: namely, carbon, which means “coal” in Spanish. There is a distinct lack of coal, for which I think we can all be grateful. Maybe they’re referring to the sixth element, which I assume is present in the dish in spades.

I’m the kind of guy who measures his self-worth in his ability to find things to complain about. You know the type: pretentious know-it-alls who drone on and on about how American tacos aren’t authentic. That said, I can’t find a single thing to complain about with this taco.

The first thing you’ll notice when biting into this delicious taco is that it’s juicy as all get-out, from the first bite to the last. You have to kind of suck on it as you bite in order not to get meat juice all over yourself.

…go ahead, get it out of your system. Juicy meat and chin drippings. I’ll wait.

The flavors are all there. The onion and cilantro are bold without being overwhelming, letting the beef play its intended central role. The sauce is understated, and comes through as a very subtle enhancement, with the barest hint of heat that’s unnoticeable until the finish. I guess the corn flavor in the tortilla could be a little stronger, but what’s present rounds out the bite nicely. In short, the Del Taco Shredded Beef Taco Del Carbon is probably the best thing I’ve ever eaten from a fast food establishment, short of the carnitas Tacos Del Carbon that were discontinued. If you’ve got a Del Taco within driving distance, you’re doing yourself a tremendous disservice in passing up this opportunity before Del Taco starts up their own take on the McRib cycle.

And if you’re ever in Mexico, Lou Dobbs, I’m the white guy lying on the floor of a filthy Mexican cantina, with cheap women pouring cheap tequila down my throat. Come say hi, we’ll talk.

  • Score: 5 out of 5 easily bribed federales
  • Price: $1.49
  • Size: About 3.5 ounces
  • Purchased at: Del Taco #884
  • Nutritional Quirks: The lack of coal is a relief.
Fast Food

Junk Food Freebie: Taco Bell Black Jack Taco

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Black Jack DescriptionObviously, Taco Bell read my review of their Black Jack taco, and realized that it was a serious oversight on their part not to associate the black-shelled taco that came out earlier this month with the glorious holiday called Halloween.  In a feeble attempt to hide their shame, they have belatedly tried to connect the two by offering a free Black Jack taco on October 31st, 2009, from 6pm until midnight.  They even added some spoooooky music to their website and tried to make the ad reflect the spirit of the holiday.

Free Black Jack

Taco Bell is obviously trying to trick AND treat us, and I am willing to submit to their obvious ploy in order to get my free taco.  So on Halloween, get out there, get some candy, and then pull into Taco Bell’s drive-thru so all the employees can laugh at your ridiculous costume while they fill your order.  Maybe this should be considered a Junk Food FreeBOO!

No.  No, it shouldn’t.

Fast Food

Taco Bell Black Jack Taco

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Black Jack AdThe Black Jack taco is ridiculous. I first heard about it the day before it came out, when Taco Bell started spamming the hell out of my Twitter feed, desperately trying to get me to try it. Well, you’ve won this round, Taco Bell, despite your terrible marketing slogan. “Black is the new black”? Seriously? That’s the best you could come up with? I haven’t seen the commercials yet, but I sure hope they come up with something that doesn’t sound like an Access Hollywood segment teaser.

See, here’s the thing: it is October, and you are releasing a black taco. October. Halloween time. Black taco. Is this setting off any alarms? All you had to do was take another taco shell, dye it orange instead of black, throw some nacho cheese on that motherfucker, and put a ghost on the wrapper. You would have made a friend for life – namely, me. You could have called it the Spooooky Taco Bell Halloween Combo, featuring the Nacho Nightmare and Jack O’Licious tacos. Why do I have to do everything for you, Taco Bell?

Black Jack Description

Instead, they decided to call it the Black Jack taco. Because the shell is black, you see, and there is pepperjack sauce inside. Why is the shell black, you ask? I do not know. Perhaps Taco Bell’s shell manufacturing facility shares warehouse space with a squid de-inking factory, and there was a terrible mix-up, with hilarious results? I’m going to go ahead and call that the most likely scenario. Cue the laugh track.

Black Jack Shell

Despite what you may think from the words above, I didn’t actually expect the Black Jack taco to be bad. I just expected it to be boring. Judging from the promo photo and the 89 cent price tag, I expected it to be pretty much identical to Taco Bell’s “Crunchy Taco”, which is also 89 cents on the Value Menu. There’s nothing wrong with this menu item; it just tastes like 89 cents’ worth of shell, mystery meat, iceberg lettuce and some cheese.

Black Jack Side

Which is exactly what I got on my first few bites of the Black Jack taco. I’d already expected the sauce to be sparse and unexciting, but I had actually expected it to be there. But then, on the third bite, I got a good mouthful of sauce. And you know what? It was actually goddamn tasty! I can actually say that Taco Bell’s use of the word “zesty” when describing the sauce on their website is accurate. It’s got a nice consistency, like creamy nacho cheese sauce, but instead of being spicy, it’s got a twangy zip that makes your taste buds salivate for more. After those first few dry bites, the middle of my taco had just the right amount of the pepperjack sauce. It oozed out the sides, which would have made a great picture, but I was too busy eating it to stop and get the camera. Bob’s taco had a lot less sauce, which was disappointing, but too bad for him. I gots the sauce. I win.

I found myself actually wishing I had another Black Jack taco. No, it’s not the greatest taco in the world – it is from Taco Bell, after all – but if you’re going to eat a shitty 89 cent taco, why not slap some tasty sauce on there, inexplicably dye it black, and give it a stupid name? The point is, I would shell out 89 of my very own cents to buy one again, of my own volition, and that’s not something I can say too often on this site. So, way to go, Taco Bell – you made a retarded gimmick and a moderately tasty taco. Wear your crown of mediocrity proudly.

  • Score: 4 out of 5 hamburgers, all dyed black
  • Price: 89 cents
  • Size: 1 taco
  • Purchased at: Taco Bell
  • Nutritional Quirks: May or may not contain squid ink?
Fast Food

Junk Food Freebie: T.G.I. Friday’s Buffalo Wings

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TGIFridaysLogoSunday, September 13, and Monday, September 14, you can head down to your local participating T.G.I. Friday’s and score six free buffalo wings.  Apparently, you must be sitting at the bar, but we all know that’s where you’d be anyway, sipping that fabulous green appletini.  I guess this is supposed to promote the start of the NFL season with the “Largest Kickoff Party In the U.S.A.”  Yeah, baby!  Go Raiders!

…Who am I kidding.  I hate football and I hate T.G.I. Friday’s.  But I do love free food.  So, if you’re willing to tolerate throngs of jerkoffs yelling at a flat-screen television in order to score six buffalo wings for free, go for it!

Fast Food

Junk Food Freebie: Chick-fil-A Original Chicken Sandwich

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FreeChickfilALogo

Get a free original chicken sandwich from Chick-fil-A on Labor Day.  Not so fast, though, hoss – there’s a catch.  You must be wearing some item of clothing (or a tattoo?  Face paint?  The promo wasn’t too clear on that) that contains a sports logo.  If you’re a sports fan, this should be no problem.  If you’re a giant nerd, you’ll feel debased and ashamed as you borrow your brother-in-law’s Raiders jersey just so you can get a chicken sandwich.  Either way, it’s free!

ChickfilASandwichEquation

Fast Food

News: KFC Double Down – I want it

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Holy cow.  The KFC Double Down.  According to this LA Times post, it’s only available in Omaha, NE and Providence, RI right now, which makes me weep. Two fried chicken fillets sit where the two pieces of bread on a sandwich would be, and in between them are slices of cheese, bacon, and Colonel’s Sauce.  Amazing.

Photo courtesy the LA Times
Photo courtesy the LA Times

You’d better believe I’m going to get one of these on my hands as soon as possible.  Is there anything that better represents this great country?  America!

Fast Food

Junk Food Freebie: Two Free Tacos from Jack in the Box

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All day tomorrow, you can bring in the coupon pictured below and get yourself not one, but two free tacos, no questions asked!  You can print the coupon out from here.  I wouldn’t advise printing it straight from this blog, as it’s a little smaller on here than the real one is, and wouldn’t you be sad if they wouldn’t give you any tacos because your coupon was the wrong size.  You would be heartbroken.  You could try crying, but if the cashiers at Jack in the Box are anything like the cop that pulled me over today, that’s not going to work.  So print that coupon and have yourself a free lunch tom0rrow!

JitB 2 Free Tacos

Fast Food

Junk Food Freebie: Quiznos Toasty Toasty $1 Sub Sale

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Quiznos One Dollar Sale

Okay, so it’s not exactly free, but it’s close enough.  I’m sure many of you have heard of this promotion already, but it’s a pretty darn good deal so I felt the need to share.  At participating locations, Quiznos is offering a buy one sandwich, get one for $1 deal.  That’s any size sandwich, which means you could buy a large, or foot-long, or whatever they call it, and get another one of the same size for a buck!  You’d be saving like, five dollars.  Not bad.  There’s two catches – the first is that both subs must be the same kind, and the second is that the deal only applies to four of their sandwiches: Classic Italian, Traditional, Turkey Ranch & Swiss and Mesquite Chicken.  Most of those are pretty self-explanatory, but what the heck does “Traditional” mean?  I guess I should buy one, or, rather, two, to find out.  This deal is for a limited time only – I read somewhere it ends on August 9th, but that wasn’t officially stated.  Either way, get your $1 sammiches while you can!