Category Archives: Fast Food

Fast Food

Pizza Hut Hot Dog Stuffed Crust Pizza

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Please enjoy this special guest review by Kirsten, a friend of mine who resides in the UK and thus had the opportunity to try Pizza Hut’s new Hot Dog Stuffed Crust Pizza, a luxury (or curse, depending) that Americans do not have. My thanks to her for going out of her way to try this…thing, and review it for me!


The hot dog stuffed crust pizza (let’s just go with HDSC) comes with a ‘mustard drizzle’ which initially caused some concern as to whether they’d undertake the drizzling or I’d be allowed the honour myself. In preparation for the former, I went for the ‘Super Supreme’ option – Spicy pork sausage, pepperoni, spicy minced beef, red onions, whole black olives, ham, mushrooms, mixed peppers (plus pineapple, personal preference) which seems to be standard for US Pizza Huts too – on the basis that it’d work fine if they did offer the HDSC. I kinda wish there was a chilli/sloppy giuseppe version – who wouldn’t jump at the chance of a chilli-dog-pizzatrocity?

Comparing the US/UK Pizza Hut menus shows quite a difference between the two. I hear the US PH is more delivery-centric, whereas here in the UK the restaurants get equal push – marketed to families as a special kid-favourite treat.

The UK menus differ between restaurant and delivery joints, the restaurants serving ‘posh’ options such as ‘Creamy Blue’ (Blue cheese and mozzarella on a Béchamel base with sliced mushrooms and finished with a sweet balsamic drizzle) and the cringingly named ‘Shrimply Delicious’ (King prawns, fresh spinach, mozzarella cheese and mixed peppers.) If you’re eating in, you can even have wine with your meal.

[Editor’s note: I could not get over UK Pizza Hut’s “posh” pizza menu. Béchamel and balsamic drizzle?! Most Americans probably don’t even know what Béchamel is, let alone putting it on a pizza! Crazy.]

We get pasta dishes (“a foot long!”) but you get cinnamon breadsticks, so I know who wins that one.

[Editor’s note: I also could not get over the idea of foot-long pasta. What does that even mean? Who measures pasta by the foot? I’m just saying.]

Delivery offers the ‘Classic’ menu (same as the US options) plus a few more types for variety, and usually a Flavour of the Month. Last year we had A-Team themed ones (each character had a different wackily-named combination of toppings) but usually it’s simply a new combination of meats or flavoured meat.

The pizzas arrived reassuringly hot, and to my relief I was handed two sticks of the mustard drizzle – an oil and mustard dressing, basically.

In retrospect, I would have preferred a more dunkable dip vessel. Maybe I should have just applied it to the crusts somehow, but it said drizzle, and I drizzled. Liberally. Everywhere.

I ordered two pizzas, one for myself and one for my pizza friend, Dan. I only managed 1/3 of mine, whereas he managed 2/3 of his. Toppings were fairly irrelevant in the end, simply being what you worked through to get to the crust. They were incredibly filling, each of us usually able to finish a large pizza in a sitting (perhaps a slice left for breakfast).

Construction wise, it’s pretty much the same as a regular cheese stuffed crust, but on this order the dogs weren’t always covered by the dough.

The crust held firm and was surprisingly non-greasy. UK hot dogs are typically pork-based and these seem to be no exception (though no nutritional information on this is available on the website). Anything more flavourful, like Vienna franks, would have totally overpowered it in my opinion.

The mustard drizzle was a great and in keeping addition to the pizza, though I’m not sure I’ll be fetching the French’s every time I order out from now. It worked well with the Super Supreme topping, and the hot dog stuffed crust, but I wouldn’t recommend it with any of the BBQ sauce bases.

The hot dogs in the crust made for a change from the usual and made the pizza a lot more filling. For the extra £2.50, it stretched the pizza out to two meals worth (or two sharing, I guess) and that is good news in my book. I’d happily order again, if the website didn’t say they’d sold out…

Pizza Hut Hot Dog Stuffed Crust Pizza

  • Score: 4 out of 5 Drizzle Sticks
  • Price: £18.49 (~$30)
  • Size: 14” (only size available)
  • Purchased at: Pizza Hut Delivery, Crookes, Sheffield (UK)
  • Nutritional Quirks: There’s hot dogs in the crust, isn’t that enough?

 

Fast Food

Carl’s Jr. Southwest Patty Melt

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By now, you’ve probably heard about the new Carl’s Jr./Hardee’s Southwest Patty Melt. Or maybe you haven’t, because you were too busy watching Kate Upton have sex with it. Carl’s obviously knows how to generate press: the news was all aflutter about the commercial; some called it sexy, some called it disgusting. I call it fodder for a review, because while I was actually rather excited to try something I’m reviewing (for once), let’s face it: the commercial is more interesting than the burger.

Let’s have some fun and examine all the different ways Kate Upton has sex with the Southwest Patty Melt!

Kate is sitting at a movie drive-in, in what looks like an already sexy classic convertible. He date is a Happy Star bag. The idea that Kate Upton couldn’t get a date to quietly have under-blanket sex with during the movie is almost as improbable as the idea that she found a drive-in movie lot that still exists.

But Kate doesn’t want to bonk a dude; she wants to eat a Southwest Patty Melt. Her first position is oral; she bites into the sandwich, practically having to unhinge her jaw like a snake in the process, creating a sound that’s more like someone stepping on a slug than eating a burger.

She lets her hair down like a sexy librarian; sweat beads up on her chest and she takes her sweater off, making for a completely obvious but really who cares about that tit shot.

Kate Upton is suddenly transported to the back seat of the vehicle, where she is sitting on top of the seats with the Happy Star Bag between her legs. It is a very unladylike position, as her legs are spread quite far apart and she is wearing a dress. I guess the Happy Star bag is going down on her? Perhaps they are performing the sexual act known as the Leg Lock. I have a friend to thank for going out on the Internet and finding the actual name of that position. I also now know the names of 77 different sexual positions, and I think I’m going to have to take up yoga.

Up next, Kate Upton is eating her burger while laying down in the backseat of the convertible, which I would not recommend as it seems that would present quite the choking hazard. Her legs are resting on the top of the door and the Happy Star is once again between her legs. I would call this missionary style, which is so pedestrian, but hey, sometimes you gotta get back to the basics.

At the end of the commercial, she’s just kind of sitting in a sexy model pose, and takes another slow, juicy bite out of the sandwich. I am assuming this is her version of the post-coital cigarette.

Oh, we’re not done. There’s another commercial on Carl’s Jr.’s website that I’d like to touch on briefly, much like how many of you would like to touch on Kate Upton. Or yourselves, after watching that commercial. Ugh I just grossed myself out.

I can’t identify the woman in this commercial, but she also appears to be able to unhinge her jaw, and porn music plays while some audio geek in the studio steps on another poor slug as we get a close-up of her biting into the giant Southwest Patty Melt. She makes her best O-face, then bites into a jalapeño and does that thing with her hands that you do when something is too hot, while her mouth does a weird thing like she’s about to suck on…you know what, this review is already incredibly raunchy, so I’ll let you readers finish that sentence.

Then some text comes up that says…JALAPEN-O-FACE?! Oh my god, I made the same joke that Carl’s Jr. did, but they made it even better by throwing in a pun. I am shamed.

Well, it can only go upward from here, folks. Let’s just talk about the burger.

I figured I would enjoy the Southwest Patty Melt from the moment I heard about it. I already enjoy Carl’s Jalapeno Burger, and I prefer sourdough bread over a hamburger bun, so I was pretty psyched.

Never change, Carsl's.

 

And the Southwest Patty Melt delivers, for the most part. Carl’s describes it as “A charbroiled beef patty, with sliced jalapeños, grilled onions, pepper-Jack cheese and spicy Santa Fe sauce, all on grilled sourdough bread.” The bread was a little smushed, which is to be expected in fast food, but it was sufficiently toasted. The sauce was plentiful and tasty, but more tangy than spicy. The cheese was melty, and paired well with the sauce.

The grilled onions didn’t really add much flavor; there also wasn’t very much of them. The most important omission, however, were the jalapeños. As you can see in the picture, mine came with only three, and one of those was a small end piece. In a sandwich, and a commercial, that puts emphasis on a certain ingredient, having a serious lack of that ingredient is a big misstep.

All in all, I enjoyed the Southwest Patty Melt. I liked the bread, Carl’s always delivers a decent burger, and the cheese and the sauce combined were creamy and added a little heat. While I actually didn’t mind the lacking/flavorlessness of the grilled onions, the lack of jalapeños was the really disappointing part. Like with any fast food, I could order it again and get a ton of them, but I can only go off of my experience, and three jalapeños just ain’t cutting it.

In conclusion, I’d like to apologize to my mom for what is probably the raunchiest review I’ve ever written. I blame Carl’s Jr for turning a burger into a sex act.

Carl’s Jr. Southwest Patty Melt

  • Score: 4 out of 5 Kate Upton-on-burger sex acts
  • Price: $3.49 (for the single patty version)
  • Size: 1 burger
  • Purchased at: Carl’s Jr. #828
  • Nutritional Quirks: Have some water handy, because the single patty Southwest Patty Melt contains 1,460 mg of sodium. The Six Dollar version contains a whopping 1,970 mg.

So Good also reviewed the Southwest Patty Melt (and got 17 jalapeño slices!), as did GrubGrade, Brand Eating and An Immovable Feast.

Fast Food

Domino’s Stuffed Cheesy Bread Spinach & Feta and Bacon & Jalapeno

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If you’ve watched any television at all over the past few years, you’re probably aware that Domino’s Pizza has been completely revamping their pizza and desperately wants you to know about it. They’ve relished in showing (allegedly) real people complaining about how much their pizza sucks, which is designed to be a ballsy move from their marketing department.

“But wait!” They’ve responded, looking earnest like a puppy that just destroyed all your throw pillows. “After listening to you, we’ve realized our pizza blows. We changed everything from the dough to the sauce to the toppings, determined to get you to stop ordering from Pizza Hut or one of those mom ‘n’ pop joints down the street. Seriously, we don’t suck now!”

Cue the previously (supposed) real people trying the new and improved Domino’s Pizza. “Well, shit! This doesn’t taste like cardboard anymore! SOLD!”

Okay, so I may be embellishing a little. And, to be honest, I have tried their new pizza, and it does taste better than their old pizza. In fact, I’d put Domino’s at the top of the big pizza delivery players now. (But I still order from the mom ‘n’ pop joint down the street.)

Not to rest on the laurels they awarded themselves, Domino’s decided to revamp their cheesy bread. Sticking with the self-effacing formula that brought their new pizza a fair amount of publicity, the commercial for their new cheesy bread shows them ordering cheesy bread from other pizza places, admitting that “we were one of the worst offenders” and making comments like, “the undercheesing is rampant”.

Oh, dear gods! THE UNDERCHEESING! I am so adding that to my vernacular. Watch out, guy at the Olive Garden who carries around the Parmesan grater. I will not be undercheesed.

Not satisfied with just improving the quality or quantity of the cheese on their cheesy bread, Domino’s went ahead and decided to stuff the fuck out of some unsuspecting breadsticks. Having lived in a world where it’s normal to have cheese inside the crust of your pizza, you may be unimpressed. However, Domino’s claims that their new Stuffed Cheesy bread has as much cheese in it as a medium pizza.

That is a lot of cheese. So much cheese, in fact, that the commercial states that they would like people to jump rope with their cheese.

I will not be doing that, but feel free to picture that outrageous and somewhat disturbing concept.

Domino’s Stuffed Cheesy Bread comes in three varieties: Cheese, Bacon & Jalapeno and Spinach & Feta. I chose the latter two, figuring that after eating the cheese volume of two medium pizzas, I’d have a pretty good idea of what was going on without adding a third medium pizza’s worth of cheese.

While the Cheesy Breads come with different fillings, the fundamentals of Stuffed Cheesy Bread remain the same, so I’ll get to that before I discuss the different goodies inside.

The cheese inside was, as promised, very plentiful, gooey and stretchy. Each piece of Cheesy Bread delivered a bounty of cheesy goodness. It was, indeed, stuffed. I didn’t get all scientific and weigh the cheese on a medium pizza versus the cheese in the Cheesy Bread, but my mouth would call it a fair comparison.

Through some sort of magic, they managed cram an ample amount of both the cheese and the other ingredients into each stick, and the filling went all the way to the edge on the sticks.

Well, almost all the sticks. Some of the end pieces had hardly any filling in them at all.

Lucky for Domino’s, even though the end pieces lacked stuffing, the bread they used was soft and chewy without being tough, and the extra cheese baked in on top added crunch and even more cheesy flavor, so they weren’t a total loss. I’ve always required that my breadsticks come with dip, but with the Stuffed Cheesy Bread, there was so much packed into the middle sticks that the only time I felt the desire for a dip was with the end pieces.

With all that stuffing and the cheese that had been baked on top, I found it difficult to actually separate the bread into stick form. I was sometimes left with a cheesy, bready mess. Perhaps that’s why Domino’s went with Stuffed Cheesy Bread and not Stuffed Cheesy Breadsticks. This is not a food I would recommend on a first date. Then again, if you’re eating at Domino’s on a first date, there may be some more fundamental problems to worry about. If your date starts jump roping with the cheese, it may be time to go “powder your nose” and escape out the bathroom window.

Now then, on to the individual fillings.

Spinach & Feta

I loves me some spinach and feta, and Domino’s actually delivered on this one. There was a healthy amount of both spinach and feta. The spinach added a nice crunch and texture, and the feta crumbles were noticeable in each bite, adding that feta twang and upping the cheese factor even more.

Bacon & Jalapeno

The bacon and jalapeno fillings were less successful. I enjoyed the jalapenos, which added a nice heat and crunch, but the bacon was…off. It was torn into small pieces that were spread fairly evenly throughout the Cheesy Bread, but it was limp and seemed undercooked. There was little crunch or smoky taste. It almost tasted more like ham than bacon. I take my bacon pretty seriously, and this was some disappointing bacon.

I still like my mom ‘n’ pop pizza, but I would forgo them every once in a while to order Domino’s Stuffed Cheesy Bread again. The Bacon & Jalapeno fell short, but the Spinach & Feta hit just the right flavor combo, and I bet the plain Cheese variety could even hold its own. I was disappointed that some of the end pieces lacked stuffing, but the rest was chock full of cheesy filling, the bread was just the right consistency, the cheese baked on top was crunchy, and the messiness was worth sacrificing a few napkins. Domino’s Stuffed Cheesy Bread is worth ordering on its own, even if you don’t get a pizza, and that’s something I don’t think I could say about any other pizza joint’s breadsticks.

Domino’s Stuffed Cheesy Bread Spinach & Feta and Bacon & Jalapeno

  • Score (Spinach & Feta): 4.5 out of 5 Olive Garden employees about to get UNDERCHEESED
  • Score (Bacon & Jalapeno): 3 out of 5 jump ropes made of cheese
  • Price: $5.99 each
  • Size: 8 sticks (if you can break them into that without mangling everything)
  • Purchased at: Domino’s Pizza
  • Nutritional Quirks: We’ll go with stuffing an entire pizza’s worth of cheese into some breadsticks, but I’ll change that once someone shows me a YouTube video of someone jump roping with cheese.
Fast Food, News

News: Papa John’s Wants to Make Your Party a Total Sausage Fest with Their New Five Sausage Pizza

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Just can’t get enough sausage? Are you insatiable when it comes to long, thick tubes of meat? Well, Papa John’s has what you need with their new Five Sausage Pizza. That’s right, I said five sausages. Can you handle that much sausage in your mouth?

Let’s run them all down: it starts with just “sausage”, which is obviously pedestrian, but then moves on to both mild and spicy Italian sausage. Whew, it’s getting a little warm in here! But we’re not done yet. There’s also smoked sausage, which, as everyone knows, is the most sultry of all the sausages.

Most interesting to me, however, is the last sausage – chorizo! Chorizo is typically a spicy, crumbly sausage, for those of you not living close to our friends south of the border who may be unfamiliar with it. I live in the southwest, and I’ve never seen chorizo available as a pizza topping, even from local joints that have some pretty exotic topping choices.

You can currently get all five of Papa John’s sausages in your mouth on a large pizza for the promotional price of $9.99.

Source: Papa John’s

Fast Food, News

News: You Cannot Stop It: The Taco Bell Doritos Locos Taco Is Coming

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Taco Bell is finally unleashing the monster.

Way back in April of last year, the news broke that Taco Bell was releasing the Doritos Locos Taco in test markets. Unfortunately, I didn’t live anywhere near one of them. But on March 8, they will be making this…thing available nationwide.

What is the Doritos Locos Taco? Well, basically it’s a regular Taco Bell taco with one ridiculous addition – a taco shell made out of Nacho Cheese Doritos. You can also get a Supreme Taco, which basically just adds chopped tomatoes and sour cream to a regular taco. With a Doritos shell

If you can’t wait to find out what a Dorito and a taco taste like together, Doritos is doing a “Hometown Tweet-Off”, wherein the person who gets the most retweets by Tweeting using the hashtags #DoritosLocosTacos and #Contest will get a visit from the Taco Bell Truck, which will give out Doritos Locos Tacos to the winner and their probably bewildered neighbors.

Sources: GrubGrade, Fast Food Maven

Fast Food

Jack in the Box Bacon Shake

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I’m sure we can all agree that this bacon thing has gotten out of control. Bacon has become an Internet meme, putting it right up there with cat breading. Don’t know what cat breading is? Look it up. You won’t thank me.

What does this have to do with absolutely goddamn anything? Jack in the Box has a new BLT Cheeseburger. That’s fucking boring. You know what other companies call that? A bacon cheeseburger with toppings. However, there’s more to this story. So much more.

Jack in the Box has made a special website encouraging you to marry bacon. I know some gay couples who might believe Jack has his priorities a little out of order, but we’ll leave that hot button topic alone.

Political portion of this post now over, let’s take a look at this website. First off, there’s a video of a man marrying a BLT Cheeseburger, ending with the line, “You may now eat the bride.” There are jokes here ranging from generically unsettling to just plain crass, so I’ll let you choose which way you want to go on that one.

There’s also a section of bacon-related .gifs called “Wedding Gifts” with the “t” crossed out (get it? GET IT?!) and a Tumblr site, both containing items either boring or disturbing, the latter being a .gif of a woman eating a piece of bacon and then presumably devouring the face of the man next to her like a praying mantis that has just copulated.

Impossibly, things get even more disturbing with the “Make a Bacon Baby!” feature. You get a pretty clear idea of what this entails with the picture on the website, which looks like a female version of the Elephant Man’s face if she’d also been in a terrible fire and then had her head stuck on the body of a baby.

As if this weren’t horrible enough, Jack gives you the opportunity to make your own Bacon Baby. I’ve written seven paragraphs without mentioning what I’m actually reviewing, but since the title of the post is a jerk and always gives it away, you already know that all of this is really about Jack in the Box’s Bacon Shake.

I’ve had a previous experience with a bacon-flavored beverage, namely Jones Bacon Soda. To this day, it ranks #1 on the list of most horrible things I’ve ingested for Junk Food Betty, and quite possibly the worst thing I’ve ever tasted in my life. And I have made some serious mistakes with expiration dates.

I knew right away who would be my Bacon Baby: Jones Bacon Soda Creepy Pig-Nose Girl.

Appropriately terrifying.

The Bacon Shake itself looked surprisingly innocent, a light pink color with whipped cream and a cherry on top. One could walk around with it and no one would know you’re holding a complete abomination. Not even any bacon sprinkles on top. Although now that I think about it, it does mimic the skin tone of a pig pretty accurately. Ugh.

It actually took a little sucking up to, well, suck it up. I stood in my kitchen, taking deep breaths, while flashbacks of the Jones Bacon Soda experience ran through my head like I was a Vietnam vet on the 4th of July. It occurred to me that I have food PTSD. That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard of.

I finally got up the nerve and took the plunge. The first few sips through my straw were not unpleasant; the shake was thick and creamy, a little bit less sweet than your usual shake. As I got further in, however, the porcine flavor started to come through. It was like tasting a pork belly that had been smoked to preserve it on a olde tyme boat making a venture to the New World, but made more subtle, and then mixed with vanilla ice cream. A little smoky, a little bacon-y, but not overwhelming and not very salty.

I didn’t throw up, so that’s always a plus.

Honestly, the Bacon Shake was not the horrorshow I thought it would be. The smoky bacon flavor is subdued enough that it almost works with the vanilla flavor of the shake. Almost. The shake isn’t made with actual pig; Jack in the Box uses Torani Bacon Syrup to flavor it, which is scary in and of itself, because Torani syrups are the flavors you’ll often see behind the counter at your local coffee shop, which means…well, we can all see the terrible possibilities there.

The worst part of the Bacon Shake was that it had a lingering ham flavor that stuck in my mouth long after I’d finished dumping most of it down the drain. A lingering ham mixed with ice cream flavor. I did not appreciate it.

Jack in the Box’s Bacon Shake didn’t give me PTSD, but it did make me rinse my mouth out afterwards, and I can think of about 700 other flavors I’d like in a shake besides bacon. Contrary to what seems to be popular belief, bacon does not belong in everything, and I can now put milkshakes in that category. At the very least, I can say that the smoky flavor was subtle enough that it wasn’t completely discordant with the ice cream. Hell, if you like the combination of smoky, sweet and hammy, you may even enjoy the Bacon Shake. You may also have a bad palate.

Jack in the Box Bacon Shake

  • Score: 1.5 out of 5 Creepy Pig-Nose Girl Bacon Babies
  • Price: $2.79
  • Size: Regular (16 oz.) cup
  • Purchased at: Jack in the Box #161
  • Nutritional Quirks: Bacon syrup. It exists. Enough said.

The Impulsive Buy also reviewed the Bacon Shake, unfortunately for them.

Fast Food, News

News: Popeyes Wants You to Take Your Aggression Out on New Rip’n Chick’n

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Do you always order the blooming onion appetizer at restaurants? Did you rip the heads off of all your sister’s Barbies as a kid? Then you may enjoy Popeye’s new Rip’n Chick’n.

The premise here is that Popeyes takes a whole white meat chicken breast and cuts it into strips, but keeps the strips connected at the base. They then marinate the mutilated breast in four different peppers (cayenne, habanero, white and black peppers) and “Louisiana seasonings”, whatever they may be. It’s then hand battered and fried.

It’s basically just a unique twist on their Louisiana Tenders, but I like the idea. I’m down with any food that lets me take my aggression out on it. *RIP* Take that, guy that cut me off in traffic this morning! *RIP* How dare you leave SVU, Chris Meloni! Now who is going to get inappropriately angry at rapists and throw them against the interrogation room wall? I trusted you to rid New York of its unusually high population of violent pedophiles! *RIP*

Rip’n Chick’n comes with Cajun fries, a biscuit and buttermilk ranch for dip’n for $3.99. It’s only available through August 28, so if anger management classes aren’t working out for you, you better hurry on down to Popeyes soon.

Sources: Brand Eating, GrubGrade

Fast Food, News

News: McDonald’s Testing New English Pub Burger; Prepare to Have your Gob Smacked

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Appearing in at least two cities (Algonquin and Genoa) in Illinois, McDonald’s is test marketing the English Pub Burger. Within the Empier first reported it; his tray liner described it as such: “If someone asks you if you fancy an English Pub Burger, the correct response is YES! This sandwich is smashing, made with 1/3 lb. of 100% Angus beef, hickory-smoked bacon, white cheddar & American cheese, grilled onions, tangy steak sauce & smoky Dijon mustard sauce all housed on an artisan roll. It’s so tasty, you’ll be gobsmacked!”

Credit: Within the Empier

The liner also defines these bolded English slang words, which I find completely unnecessary since I’m convinced that by now, every American has watched at least one of Gordon Ramsey’s seven million TV shows and is mildly familiar with such terms.

A GrubGrade reader also had the chance to try one, and reported that “This burger just works and tastes unlike anything I’ve ever had from McDonald’s.” Strong words. There’s a lot going on with this burger; I find the combination of steak sauce and smoky Dijon most intriguing. My fingers are crossed that the steak sauce will be British brown sauce (like HP or Daddie’s) and not just standard A1. I also hope that it goes national and I’ll actually get to try it one day.

The English Pub Burger is priced at $4.49, the same as McDonald’s other Angus Third Pounders. It’s nice to see the chain doing something outside their usual burger offerings. I’m not convinced that the English Pub Burger stays 100% true to actual English pub offerings, but at this point, I’m beyond semantics. I just want to try it out!

If you’ve had a chance to try the English Pub Burger, please leave a comment! I would love to hear some other opinions.

Sources: BurgerBusiness, Within the Empier, GrubGrade

Fast Food, News

News: Carl’s Jr. Introduces Strawberry Banana Smoothie Shake; Awesome Police Rumored to Be En Route

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I’ve had Carl’s Jr.’s Hand-Scooped Ice Cream Shakes before. They’re actually quite good and taste very authentic. But shakes are pretty standard at a fast food restaurant, whether they taste like a real shake or a cup full of foamy chemicals. (I’m looking at you, McDonald’s, even though you’ve switched to your Triple Thick Shakes.)

Carl’s Jr. is taking a new spin on the ol’ shake routine by introducing the Strawberry Banana Smoothie Hand-Scooped Ice Cream Shake. And they’re getting a little carried away in the process. No, I’m not talking about the fact that it took them eight words to describe one beverage. I’m talking about the promo email that arrived in my inbox:

“IMAGINE STRAWBERRIES, BANANAS & ICE CREAM HAVING A 3-WAY”

Okay, well that’s a little disturbing. Fruit and ice cream doing it…not my kind of fetish, thanks. But there’s more: “That’s right, everyone. Carl’s Jr.® just turned a fruit smoothie into a shake. Someone better call the awesome police, because the Strawberry Banana Smoothie Hand-Scooped Ice Cream Shakes™ are here.”

OH SHI SOMEBODY CALL THE AWESOME POLICE! Okay, I admit, I kind of like that one. But they’re getting a little overenthusiastic about the whole smoothie/shake transformation. It’s not that revolutionary. “Strawberry banana milkshake” brings up about 217,000 results in Google.

Carl’s describes the shake as “Creamy, hand-scooped ice cream, blended with real milk and strawberry banana syrup, and then finished off with whipped topping.”

Doesn’t sound too bad. I do take issue with one other statement in the email, however. “Hey, you gotta get your fruit somehow. Might as well enjoy it.” Last I checked, “strawberry banana syrup” was not a fruit. Is that what’s up with the whole smoothie angle? Are they trying to make people believe this shake is healthy?

For what it’s worth, Strawberry Banana Smoothie Hand-Scooped Ice Cream Shake contains 770 calories, 35 grams of fat, 24 grams of saturated fat and 84 grams of sugars. Enjoy your “fruit”!

Fast Food, News

News: Consumer Reports Releases First Fast Food Survey; Shockingly, Big Chains Don’t Fare Well

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Consumer Reports recently conducted their first survey of major fast food chains. The survey included over 98,000 visits to 53 chains. They ran down everything from quality to speed to value and beyond. I figured I’d be a nice gal and sum it all up for you, since everybody prefers lists over actually reading something, right?

Worst Overall Chains (“uninspired food, so-so service, no bang for your buck”)

Burger King, KFC, McDonald’s, Taco Bell

 

Second-Worst Overall Chains

Arby’s, Quizno’s, Domino’s, Pizza Hut

Worst Food Quality

Burger King, KFC, McDonald’s, Taco Bell, Sbarro

Best Value (Or “Bang for Your Buck”)

In-N-Out Burger, Papa Murphy’s, CiCi’s Pizza

Worst Value

Sbarro, Round Table Pizza, KFC

Slowest Service

KFC, Popeyes, Pizza Hut

Best Burger Joints

In-N-Out, Burgerville, Five Guys, Culver’s, Backyard Burgers

Best Mexican Chains

Chipotle, Rubio’s Fresh, Qdoba, Baja Fresh

Best Chicken Chain

Chick-Fil-A

Best Subs (Or Hoagies Or Whatever Your Region Calls Them)

Jason’s Deli, Firehouse Subs, Jersey Mike’s Sub, Potbelly Sandwich Shop, Jimmy John’s Gourmet Sandwiches, Schlotzsky’s

Best Pizza Joint

Papa Murphy’s Take ‘N’ Bake Pizza

Best/Worst Fries

This one gets broken down cleanly by Consumer Reports, but if you’re too lazy to click, know that Wendy’s new-ish Natural Cut Fries with Sea Salt barely beat out old favorite McDonald’s, and Burger King’s fries suck.

Best/Worst Main Dishes (In Other Words, the Foods That Best Define the Chain)

This one has charts on Consumer Reports’ website! I encourage you to look at them. Here’s a brief breakdown, though:

Lowest Overall Scorers: CiCi’s Pizza, Del Taco, Little Caesars, Sbarro, Taco Bell

Lowest Scored Chicken: KFC

Lowest Scored Burgers: McDonald’s

Interesting statistics! Notice how the biggest chains seem to score the lowest? Perhaps this will be a wake-up call to places like McDonald’s, Burger King and Taco Bell. Instead of constantly churning out new products that are either rehashes of the same menu offerings or crazy wacky limited edition products that generate a buzz, maybe they should work on the quality of their food and service. Just sayin’.