Category Archives: Fast Food

Fast Food

Del Taco Mac ‘n Cheese Crunch Bites and Root Beer Float Shake

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Mac ‘n Cheese Crunch Bites

Macaroni and cheese is generally considered a kids’ food. I suppose we have Kraft to thank for that; the current commercials I’ve seen for their iconic blue-box pasta consist of children splashing around in puddles of cheese sauce, irritating me with their gap-toothed grins and overenthusiastic energy. The macaroni even comes in shapes like Scooby-Doo and Spongebob Squarepants. If you’re an adult eating pasta shaped like the Mystery Machine, you’re either finishing your kid’s leftovers or you’ve made some seriously poor life decisions.

As a side note, I’m now irritated at Kraft and Canada. Kraft for making me visit their Wikipedia page in an attempt to identify current pop-culture pasta shapes, and Canada for making me wonder why the fuck the Kraft Macaroni and Cheese Wikipedia entry was titled “Kraft Dinner”, which made me read the discussion page, and any time I read a discussion page on Wikipedia I’m guaranteed to lose my mind. Also, a whole section on Kraft “Dinner” and Canadian culture? This Wikipedia entry is obviously Canuck-skewed. I cannot condone that.

Now that I’ve gotten out my inappropriate level of irritation at Kraft and Canada, let’s get down to brass tacks. Americans love deep-frying things. Oreos, candy bars, beer, bacon (of course), even butter. Yes, deep-fried butter. You can thank Paula Deen for my knowledge of that phenomenon, even though she wasn’t the first to pioneer such a revolutionary concept.

I also have Paula Deen to thank for my knowledge of deep-fried macaroni and cheese. During a brief period of insanity in my life, I actually watched shows besides Good Eats on the Food Network, and thus witnessed ham-to-the-face Paula make these bite-sized heart attacks. I was intrigued, but not enough to actually make them myself, so I figured I’d never see fried mac and cheese again, unless someone held a gun to my head and forced me to go to the state fair.

So you can imagine my surprise when Del Taco announced that they had a new product called Mac ‘n Cheese Crunch Bites. Grammar nazi rage over the omission of a second apostrophe after the “n” aside, I was immediately interested. Yeah, I still eat macaroni and cheese. At least I avoid those that are shaped like someone who lives in a pineapple under the sea. Give me some credit for that. I mainly use it as a vessel to deliver massive amounts of Cajun seasoning and hot sauce into my body when I have a salt craving and desire something a little more tangible than ramen. Since I’ve already admitted I’m an adult who enjoys mac ‘n’ cheese, might as well try fried mac ‘n’ cheese. From a fast food quasi-Mexican joint. Odd choice for Del Taco, but I’m not complaining.

 

SUCK IT, GANON!

As you can see, these Crunch Bites come in a triangular shape; size-wise, they’d fit nicely into the circular stain on your coffee table that your friend left after he passed out with a full glass of gin and tonic in front of him. The coaster was five inches away; would it have been so hard to use it?

They were, of course, appropriately greasy, what with being fried and all. The batter had a nice crunch and was lighter than I thought it would be. The texture and flavor were reminiscent of the beer batter you’d find on a nice piece of fish you’d order with chips.

Unfortunately, the inside didn’t do justice to the outside. You can see the little bifurcated macaronis covered in unnaturally orange cheese…substance. The pasta has an okay texture; it didn’t taste mushy or undercooked, but it was largely unremarkable. The cheese tasted markedly artificial, but that’s to be expected. When I’m buying Mac ‘n Cheese Crunch Bites from Del Taco, I’m not expecting to find gourmet flavors inside a fried batter shell. What’s interesting is that the cheese also managed to be rather bland.

If the macaroni and cheese had been served in a bowl instead of a fried triangle, it would have been usalvageable. The pasta and cheese have the batter to thank for it being mildly edible. I also found that, like with Kraft macaroni and cheese, it becomes much more palatable when used as a vehicle for hot sauce. Slathered in Del Inferno, the Crunch Bites rise to the status of “acceptable snack if you’re really stoned”. Which is still not the highest of praises. In the end, I have to judge Mac ‘n Cheese Crunch Bites on their own, and the verdict is not good. The batter can’t save the bland, artificial-tasting cheese and the forgettable macaroni pasta.

Root Beer Float Shake

I bought the Root Beer Float Shake almost as an afterthought. My main motivation, beyond already enjoying the occasional root beer float, was the name. Root Beer Float…Shake? What? It just seemed like an odd name and concept. Can’t you make a root beer float shake just by mixing the ice cream and soda in a float together?

The answer is yes, and that’s exactly what this shake tasted like. Del Taco offers Barq’s as their root beer of choice, and I assume they just blended that with some vanilla ice cream and boom! Root Beer Float Shake.

It’s not exactly an innovative concept, and yet, I really enjoyed my Root Beer Float Shake. The root beer flavor was a little muted and I detected little carbonation, but that’s the magic that happens when you mix up a float. The consistency was perfect – creamy, smooth, and just the right amount of thickness. It was also sweet, but not cloyingly so. I sucked down the entire shake without feeling sugar-sick afterwards.

I figured, much like with many of the foods I review, I’d finish the Root Beer Float Shake, write about it, and forget it forever. Not so! As I was cropping the picture, I suddenly thought, “Damn, I could totally go for a Root Beer Float Shake right now.” Hell, I had the same thought writing this brief review. I guess it’s a good thing my nearest Del Taco closed and I now have to go out of my way to go there; I may have developed a serious Root Beer Float Shake addiction.

The Root Beer Float Shake is a simple concept, but a successful one. Sure, anybody can mix root beer and vanilla ice cream together. But Del Taco had just the right ratio of soda to ice cream, and the consistency was perfect. Sometimes a new menu item concept doesn’t have to be groundbreaking; it just has to be done well. Root Beer Float Shake rules; Mac ‘n Cheese Crunch Bites suck. Del Taco should have taken a lesson from themselves.

Mac ‘n Cheese Crunch Bites

  • Score: 2 out of 5 Del Inferno sauce packets
  • Price: $1.99
  • Size: 6 Crunch Bites
  • Purchased at: Del Taco #806
  • Nutritional Quirks: No nutritional information available on Del Taco’s website, so I’ll just say, batter so right, mac ‘n cheese so wrong.

Root Beer Float Shake

  • Score: 4.5 out of 5 immersion blenders making magic happen
  • Price: $2.89
  • Size: 16 oz. cup, I’m guessing?
  • Purchased at: Del Taco #806
  • Nutritional Quirks: Again, no nutritional info. Egg on my face if it turns out they didn’t just mix Barq’s with vanilla ice cream and instead used some sort of root beer extract or something.
Fast Food, News

News: Burger King Gets Facelift, Tummy Tuck, Liposuction; Diagnosed with Fast Food Imitation Disorder

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I get the feeling that the gritty details behind fast food politics don’t exactly excite all my readers, so I’ll get the backstory out of the way right off the bat: Burger King has seen sales decline since 2009, so it looks like they’ve brought in a new creative team to shake things up. They’re even inviting select franchisees to share their ideas, which rarely, if ever, happens.

The result of this shake-up is the interesting part: the restaurants will be revamped to exude a sleeker look; among other things, the interior design will go from earth tones to red and black, and look out for a striking black tower to be featured on the exterior.

Marketing efforts and menu items will shift away from targeting just young males and expand to appeal to a broader audience, including – gasp! – females!

The King will be going on an “extended vacation”, which fills me with relief, as I will no longer have to check my balcony before I go to bed to make sure he’s not lurking outside. Actually, now that he’s out of work, he’ll have a lot of time on his hands…okay now I’m even more terrified. But at least I won’t be seeing his nightmare-inducing mug on my television anymore.

But what about the food? The Whopper will remain, but their value menu will take a backseat to new, healthier items. BK is introducing more than a dozen new items in test markets across the country; here are just a few that have been confirmed:

An Asian chicken salad “with baby edamame, red cabbage and sesame lime vinaigrette; oatmeal “with dried fruit and maple sugar”, and mango and mixed-berry smoothies.

For carnivores, the Miami Herald reports that there will be “a new premium homestyle burger on a brioche bun with thick-cut bacon, romaine lettuce and a new spicy pepper grill sauce”, as well as a chicken BLT wrap with bacon and “country dijon” mustard.

Any of these new offerings sound familiar? Have you tried any of McDonald’s Premium Salads? How about their Fruit and Maple Oatmeal? Maybe a Mixed Berry Real Fruit Smoothie? Picked up a Snack Wrap lately?

It’s disappointing to see BK trying to turn themselves into McDonald’s in order to boost their sales and expand their menu and target audience. However, all new items are still in the testing stage, so we’ll have to wait and see what actually sticks. It’ll also be weird to see a black tower instead of a mansard roof as I drive past my local Burger King. However, as I mentioned before, there’s more than a dozen new products being tested out there, and hopefully something unique will pop out and get me excited about trying out their new menu.

(PS I totally knew the term “mansard roof” before I wrote this post because I secretly used to do construction as a side job and went to Roof College and everything. In no way did I read it on one of my source materials and have to look it up in Wikipedia to see what the hell it meant.)

Sources: Miami Herald, Burger Business and AdAge

Fast Food

Wendy’s Spicy Chipotle Crispy Chicken Sandwich, Spicy Chipotle Jr. Cheeseburger and Natural-Cut French Fries with Sea Salt

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Please welcome special guest reviewer Robert (Not Bob).  A little while back, GrubGrade broke the news that Wendy’s had some new items in test markets. One of these items was being tested in the Dallas area. My friend Robert lives around there, so I asked him if he would try it out and write a review for me. To my astonishment, he actually did! Enjoy this sneak peak of what may someday come to a Wendy’s near you!

To me, Wendy’s seems to be the “Red Haired Step-Child” of fast food chains. They’ve even acknowledged this by choosing a red haired, and presumably gap-toothed, hayseedish-looking child as their mascot.

Unlike your usual reviewers, I’m not a habitual frequenter of fast food restaurants. But the 3 or 6 times a year I do consent to go to one, I never even consider Wendy’s. Hell, they can’t even make their hamburger patties the right shape.

A quick look at the Wikipedia page for Wendy’s tells me that it’s the third largest hamburger chain after McDonald’s and Burger King, which surprises me, because I personally can’t find anyone that’ll admit to frequenting their establishment. As for myself, I honestly think that the last time I visited one was about 20 years ago, when I was dirt-poor and in college, and discovered their cheap-and-surprisingly-good chili. Most of the people I talked to about Wendy’s seemed to share the same opinion, which is “They have a couple of things that are pretty good, but when I want a burger, I go elsewhere.”

At this point, I’ll pause to point out that the sole qualification I have for writing this review is that I live in North-Central Texas, where Wendy’s is test marketing a couple of new menu items.

Like every other chain, Wendy’s is rolling out a spicy chicken sandwich. Since chipotle is the “go-to” spicy of fast food, they’ve jumped on that bandwagon too, resulting in the “Spicy Chipotle Crispy Chicken Sandwich”.

The first thing I noticed when I stepped into a local Wendy’s is that the average age of their patrons appears to be hovering around the 65~70 mark. Maybe that’s the secret of their success. The geezers don’t want to dodge the kids at McDonalds and they don’t want to associate with the potheads at Taco Bell, so they’ve made Wendy’s their destination restaurant. Hey, they actually have “Old Fashioned” as part of their subtitle, so that may actually be the market they’re playing for.

The second thing I noticed was that my target sandwich is a 99-cent item and has a companion menu item, the 99-cent Spicy Chipotle Jr. Cheeseburger. I decided to take one for the team and try them both. I also decided to give their much-hyped Natural-Cut French Fries with Sea Salt a shot, so you get a bonus review, even though it’s a review of something that’s been around for six months.

Let’s take a look under the hood of the Spicy Chipotle Crispy Chicken.

As expected, there’s the orange-y chipotle sauce that shows up so often on “spicy chipotle” fast food items. A quick by-itself taste test reveals that it’s not as spicy or tangy as most. In fact, it appears that the main thing it brings to the party is “orange”. The chicken looks to be a standard, un-spicy pre-formed patty and the cheese is maybe white American or Swiss.

The real surprise is the jalapeños. Didn’t see that one coming. As a food item billed as “chipotle”, it’s supposed to get it’s spicy from a sauce or seasoning from dried, smoked jalapeños, not from fresh or pickled ones.

After tasting the sandwich, I can say that it’s a good thing they’re there. The chicken patty itself is fine, although you’d never mistake it for the vastly superior chicken of Chik-Fil-A. As expected, the sauce really didn’t add much spice, just kept the overall sandwich from being overly dry. Even in that function it didn’t do very well, since its application was a little sparse for my taste. The jalapeños, however, held up their end of the bargain and added a decent amount of bite. Much like the presence of Patrick Warburton in a substandard kiddie movie, they made a mediocre offering palatable, even mildly enjoyable.

Ok, time to look at the Spicy Chipotle Jr. Cheeseburger, which features the exact same ingredients, but with the weird square patty instead of the chicken.

After only one bite I finally, instantly understood why Wendy’s hamburger patties are square.

It’s a warning. Like the brilliant colors on a poison dart frog, it’s nature’s way of saying “Don’t Touch”. The meat had an unhealthy, “off” taste that seriously made me unable to even taste the jalapeños, let alone the bland chipotle sauce.

Shuddering at the memory, I cleansed my palate and moved on to the Natural-Cut French Fries with Sea Salt.

I’m not a big french-fry eater. I honestly think they’re an over-rated side, and that their success is mostly due to their portability and America’s love affair with salt and dipping food into other food.

However, I must say, these were some pretty tasty fries. The left-on skin gave them a hardier, more potato-y flavor than you usually get out of a fast food fry, and the use of sea salt instead of table salt was noticeable, if only slightly. Wendy’s got it about right on these.

In conclusion, I’ll say that the Spicy Chipotle Crispy Chicken is a fairly decent offering for a 99-cent value-meal item (even if it’s name is a lie) and the Natural-Cut French Fries with Sea Salt live up to their name. However, the Spicy Chipotle Jr. Cheeseburger is literally uneatable, due to the nasty-tasting beef that Wendy’s apparently uses. However, if you decide to try any of them, I recommend bringing along this if you actually want to taste anything that even vaguely resembles chipotle.

Spicy Chipotle Crispy Chicken Sandwich

  • Score: 3 out of 5 surprise jalapeños
  • Price: 99-cents
  • Size: 1 sandwich
  • Purchased at: Wendy’s, Fort Worth, Texas
  • Nutritional Quirks: Sauce apparently more ornamental than functional.

Spicy Chipotle Jr. Cheeseburger

  • Score: 1 out of 5 poisonous amphibians
  • Price: 99-cents
  • Size:1 burger
  • Purchased at: Wendy’s, Fort Worth, Texas
  • Nutritional Quirks: Square hamburger patties preferred by the geriatric.

Natural-Cut French Fries with Sea Salt

  • Score: 4 out of 5 Lot’s wives
  • Price: 99-cents
  • Size: 1 value-size container
  • Purchased at: Wendy’s, Fort Worth, Texas
  • Nutritional Quirks: Sprayed with sodium acid pyrophosphate, dusted with dextrose corn sugar and boiled in oil containing dimethylpolysiloxane.  Oh, and there’s presumably some sea salt in there somewhere.
Fast Food, News

News: Wendy’s Berry Almond Chicken Salad Is the Fanciest Food You Can Get Without Leaving Your Car

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When I think Wendy’s, I don’t exactly think fancypants. But their new Berry Almond Chicken Salad sounds fancypants as hell. From Wendy’s website:

“Picture fresh berries—plump, tangy blueberries and succulent, sliced, California strawberries—resting on a bed of freshly-chopped romaine and iceberg lettuce, which is tossed with a brightly colored spring mix boasting exotic-sounding greens, like Lolla Rossa and Tango. Surrounding the berries are California almonds roasted with sea salt, shaved natural Asiago cheese and a warm grilled chicken breast.”

Fresh berries? Almonds roasted with sea salt? Shaved Asiago? A bunch of green stuff I’ve never even heard of?! Who thought the day would come when a fast food company introduces me to new foods. Surely, it is the end of days.

I have to give it to Wendy’s though. They went balls to the wall on lavishness, and you can tell they know it, giving a little wink and a nod with the phrase, “boasting exotic-sounding greens”. I would have loved to be in that brainstorm meeting.

“Hey, let’s put chipotle on yet another menu item!”

“Fuck that, let’s blow everyone’s minds. Two words: Lolla Rossa.”

Available in Full Size and Half-Size portions, the former has 450 calories and 16 grams of fat, and the latter contains 270 calories and 12 grams of fat.

Couldn’t find any pricing info, but I’m guessing it will probably be outrageously expensive. Dusting of gold flakes will cost extra. I could call my local Wendy’s, but I prefer to think a fast food joint is selling a fancy-schmancy salad for $15.

The Berry Almond Chicken Salad is only available until summer ends, so go out there and get it. Let me know what Tango tastes like!

Fast Food

Quiznos Chicken Bacon Dipper

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I think we all know by now that when it comes to bizarre fast food items, it’s on. It’s an arms race to see who can come up with the weirdest new product; who can generate the most Internet buzz? Pizza Hut has recently come out with a stuffed crust pizza that includes toppings AND cheese (obligatory “yo dawg I heard you like pizza in your pizza so I stuffed your pizza with pizza” joke), but, not to be one-upped, Quiznos has come out with the Chicken Bacon Dipper.

The sandwich itself seems pretty loaded, but largely innocent: all-white-meat chicken, smoky bacon, mild chipotle mayo and chipotle jack bread. Sounds good, right? Chipotle, fast food’s favorite flavor-of-the-month, comes into play twice, and you’ve got bacon, which the Internet seems to get a boner about whether it’s in a sandwich or used to construct a bacon house slathered in Baconnaise.

But wait, this isn’t just any sandwich: it’s a Dipper! What does this mean? Well, it’s not unheard of to dip a sandwich, of course; you can find a French Dip on almost any diner’s lunch menu. But this ain’t no jus, son; this is cheese dip! More specifically, Quiznos’ “signature” cheese sauce, which contains tomatoes, diced green chiles and “traditional Mexican spices”.

I guess this is considered weird. I’ve seen news articles and blogs on it calling it a “horror”, saying Quiznos is “trippin’”. I don’t see it as that bizarre. You can’t tell me that some stoner college student hasn’t dipped a ham sandwich into a jar of Tostitos Salsa con Queso at 3am. It’s possible I have done this, completely sober. I swear I’ve dipped a sandwich into some ranch dressing at some point. But that’s just me, and I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t fall into the “normal” category when it comes to food habits.

I’ll tell you what is weird, though: the commercials. Obviously intended to be bizarre, but I’m pretty horrified by the dude who sticks his beard into the cheese sauce and then starts rubbing his sandwich on it, and I’m terrified I’m going to wake up one day and find the woman in “The Cement Mixer” staring into my bedroom window. I never thought I’d say this, but I’d rather have The King stalking me.

So is this sandwich truly that strange? Let’s find out. I have to say, I’m walking into this with more anticipation that trepidation. Sandwich + cheese sauce? Genius, I say.

There’s a lot to say about this sandwich, so I’ll try to break it all down. The bread was soft, but it was hard to discern if there was any chipotle or jack in it. The chicken was surprisingly juicy, and as you can see, there was some sort of herbal seasoning on it that was really tasty. I think I detected some rosemary, and there was some more stuff going on that I couldn’t specify, but overall it really added some great flavor to the chicken and I’m surprised it wasn’t included in the sandwich’s description.

Unfortunately, the contents of the sandwich were rather anemic. I could have used a lot more chicken, as well as more bacon, which was smoky and added some good flavor but suffered from the all-pervasive Limp Fast Food Bacon Syndrome. There was also a serious lack of chipotle flavor. Having chipotle in both the mayo and the bread, you would think it would be prominent, but all I could taste was a little bit of heat and that’s it. Chipotle has a distinct smoky heat, and that just didn’t come through, which was disappointing.

On to the dip! Oh, the dip. So much potential, and so much failure. Where to begin? Well, first of all, the cheese sauce was way too thick. So thick, in fact, that when I dipped the sandwich into it, it sucked out half the contents of the sandwich, resulting in my having to go on a fishing expedition to get my chicken back into the sandwich after each dip, resulting in serious Cheesy Fingers.

While the addition of diced chiles and “traditional Mexican spices” (whatever that means) added just the right amount of heat, the cheese itself was…how do I put this nicely…the most artificially-flavored cheese I’ve probably ever eaten. Now, hey, I likes me some artificial cheese sauce. I eat cheese out of a can. I won’t apologize. But even Easy Cheese tastes less artificial than Quiznos’ signature cheese dip. After I’d finished it, I felt like I’d just ingested about 500 different chemicals. I couldn’t find any nutritional information about the Chicken Bacon Dipper on their website, but that’s probably for the best, because I’m sure the ingredient list for the cheese dip reads like a Dickens novel.

Sadly, I actually kind of liked the cheese sauce. Like I said, the seasoning gave it a nice bit of heat, and that and the cheesiness, however fake, worked well with the contents of the sandwich. I had to take a step back, however. I had to remove my own sick palate from the situation and be objective. How would a “normal” person feel about this dip? The answer: they would most likely be repulsed. It really does taste artificial and just…wrong. It’s just wrong, this dip. I hate to promote one of my favorite foods twice in one post, but really, you would be so much better off dunking this sandwich into some Tostitos Salsa con Queso. How hard is it to make a cheese dip that’s the right consistency and doesn’t taste like you’re eating at a high school cafeteria?

I wanted so badly to love this sandwich, but in the end, it just didn’t live up to my expectations at all. The chicken was delicious but there wasn’t enough of it. The bacon was also lacking. There was no real chipotle flavor to be found. The sandwich worked well with the dip, which added some heat and some cheesy flavor, but it tasted so artificial that most people would probably be put off by it. My body felt wrong after eating the dip (which, by the way, I did finish, and found the cheese-to-sandwich ratio to be just about perfect), and when your body feels just wrong after eating something, that probably means you shouldn’t have eaten it.

Chicken Bacon Dipper, I wanted to like you so badly, but in the end, you let me down. I hope this doesn’t discourage Quiznos or other fast food places, though; in the future, I want to see all sandwiches come with some form of dip. That’s right, I said it. Gravy, cheese, ranch, jus, I don’t care. I just want to dip it. Dip it good.

  • Score: 2 out of 5 Cheesy Finger fishing expeditions
  • Price: $2.99 (with coupon; regular price $5.19)
  • Size: 1 sandwich
  • Purchased at: Quiznos #7845
  • Nutritional Quirks: No nutritional information available, but that’s probably for the best.  Quiznos signature cheese dip is probably just one big quirk.
Fast Food, Miscellaneous

Food News: McKFC Double Deuce Deluxe

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Update: This was obviously an April Fool’s joke, but if you actually printed out the coupon and tried to use it, I’d love to hear from you! Also, serious thanks to my friend Randy, who helped me brainstorm and also doctored up the fake coupon for me. He obviously did a fantastic job. As thanks, I’ll bump the website to a movie he made called Burning Annie!

McDonald’s and KFC announced today that they’ll be joining forces to create a new sandwich, which they’re calling McKFC’s Double Deuce Deluxe. According to the press release, “The sandwich itself is a burger-wrapped bacon-breaded Original Recipe slider with Olive Satsuma Pickle Relish and Queso Oaxaca Melt.”

Sounds like quite a mouthful, if you ask me. As Burger King and McDonald’s continue to war over creating new and innovative burgers, I see this as a response to Burger King’s BK Stuffed Steakhouse Burger. If you think stuffing a burger with chicken is ridiculous, go do a Google search for turducken. Stranger things have happened.

I’m interested to see how the bacon breading works out. The pickle relish is also an interesting choice that might overwhelm the palate, but I love that they’re using Oaxaca, which is a Mexican cheese that I personally have always enjoyed.

McKFC, as I guess they’d like to be called, at least for this product, has released limited nutritional information, but from what I’ve read, each slider contains 1,853 calories, 32 grams of fat, 14 grams of saturated fat, and 1,420 milligrams of sodium. Definitely not a diet food, considering these are just sliders. I wouldn’t be surprised if the Internet goes bonkers about these little fatty salt bombs, considering how much they had to say about KFC’s Double Down.

The McKFC Double Deuce Deluxe sliders come in packs of 3, 9, or the gut-busting 20-piece “Party Pack”. I couldn’t find any set pricing, but below is a coupon for $1 off any size purchase that you can print out and take to any McDonald’s OR KFC. This shit be loco. Oaxacaloco!

Fast Food

Arby’s Angus Three Cheese & Bacon

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It’s easy to poke fun at Arby’s. It’s the red-headed stepchild of the fast food world. It’s so easy, in fact, that when I told a friend I was going to Arby’s, he pulled out a quote from The Simpsons.  The episode it was from is basically a parody of Lord of the Flies. If you don’t immediately understand the context because you never read Lord of the Flies, you should probably stop reading this review and go back to high school.

It’s night time and the kids sit around the fireplace.

TERRI
I’m so hungry I could eat at Arby’s!

LISA
Oh my gosh!

NELSON
That IS hungry.

LISA
REALLY hungry…

So The Simpsons stole my joke. In 1998. That’s harsh.

But wait! This is 2011, 13 years later, and Arby’s has a new sandwich that could change everything. The Angus bandwagon is getting pretty crowded these days, and Arby’s decided to jump on. It’s the Angus Three Cheese & Bacon, and according to Arby’s, it’s “Angus beef the way it should be -Premium, lean, freshly sliced and piled high to perfection with 3 cheeses on an authentic Italian roll.”

Well, that sounds okay. But it looks like there’s a lot more going on in the promo picture on their website. The Atlanta Journal Constitution, an organization that I know nothing about, seems to have more details: “The black Angus, top round beef is thinly sliced and topped with Swiss and Cheddar cheeses, a Parmesan peppercorn ranch sauce and pepper bacon.”

Arby’s should have that as the description on their website, because that is way more enticing than their official breakdown of the sandwich. Arby’s actually has me intrigued now, and that’s saying something.

Let’s get to the important part first: I have to say, the meat on the Angus Three Cheese & Bacon is a step (or three) above Arbys’ normal “shaved”…roast beef, if you could call it that. Is it Angus quality? Weeell, I don’t know if I would go that far, but I’d put it on par in quality, texture and taste to the meat in a french dip at a chain diner. Unfortunately, there was no jus to hide the fact that the meat was a little on the dry side.

Before we move on, I have to mention a caveat: my sandwich had a case of Jekyll and Hyde like I’d never experienced before. It came pre-cut in half, and one side was well-constructed, while the other was disheveled. It’s like they came from two different sandwiches. I’ll give a quick rundown of Mr. Angus Hyde, since I feel it’s more fair to judge the sandwich based on Dr. Angus Jekyll. The Hydewich’s meat was more dry and it was lacking in bacon, cheese and sauce. So it was basically some meat in between two pieces of bread.

Fortunately, I also got the Jekyll side, for which I have no sandwich-related nickname. This side was more moist because it had more sauce and cheese, but you could still tell the meat was a bit dry. This side had a good amount of bacon, and the bacon was surprisingly crunchy and flavorful. It was thickly cut, and you could taste that it was peppered. I would have never guessed that Arby’s, of all fast food joints, would avoid Limp Fast Food Bacon Syndrome, but they did! I could have taken the bacon straight off the sandwich, eaten it, and been satisfied with the quality.

The cheese was creamy and added an extra textural dimension to the sandwich, but I really couldn’t identify the three separate cheeses. I appreciated their presence, but they didn’t really pop. Likewise, the sauce added welcome creaminess, but I couldn’t have guessed that it was a Parmesan peppercorn ranch sauce. In fact, even when sampled separately, it didn’t have much flavor at all; the best I could say for it is that it had a mild ranch taste. For a sauce with such a descriptive (and tasty-sounding) moniker, it really failed to deliver.

I’ve had a fair amount of Arby’s sandwiches over the years. Too many, you might say. Compared to their regular shaved roast beef sandwiches, the Angus Three Cheese & Bacon is a step above the rest. That doesn’t mean it’s a fantastic sandwich, however. I wouldn’t call the meat Angus quality, and it was a little dry, but it was okay for fast food roast beef. The bacon was obviously the star; peppered, thick and crunchy, it was some of the best fast food bacon I’ve had in a long time. The cheese was creamy, as was the sauce, but both disappointed in the flavor department, particularly the sauce.

What can I say? It’s pretty solid for a fast food sandwich, but it’s not something for which you should run out of the house with no shoes on. But hey, if you find yourself trapped inside an Arby’s, which has happened to me at least a half dozen times (why do all the doors look just like the windows? Help meeeeee), give it a shot.

  • Score: 3 out of 5 Jekyll & Hydewiches
  • Price: $4.99
  • Size: 1 sandwich
  • Purchased at: Arby’s #7117
  • Nutritional Quirks: Parmesan Peppercorn Ranch Sauce appears to contain all the ingredients for Parmesan peppercorn ranch sauce, yet this is not reflected in the flavor. Also, no LFFBS!
Fast Food, Miscellaneous

Food News: Taco Bell Crunchwrap Supreme for 88 Cents

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After all the controversy over the amount of meat in Taco Bell’s seasoned ground beef, Taco Bell has been on a mission to let everyone know that it’s signature meat is 88% beef and the rest is delicious crack seasonings and…other stuff that make the beef so addictive tasty.

As part of this campaign, Taco Bell is offering its Crunchwrap Supreme, which contains said seasoned ground beef, for just 88 cents.  The Crunchwrap Supreme usually goes for $2.39 (may vary by location), so this is a great deal.  You’d be hard pressed to find another fast food offering as hearty for such a low price.  The 88 cents, of course, is in honor of the 88% beef contained within.

Of course, this is a limited time offer – this deal will only last until March 5th.  I’ve never actually had their Crunchwrap Supreme, but this seems like the perfect time to try it out.

Fast Food

Taco Bell Quad* Steak Burrito

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Any Taco Bell employee will tell you that the most difficult part of getting hired on at Taco Bell is learning their bizarre, arbitrary system of weights and measures. A lot of people have a tough time learning that the amount of meat in a Steak Burrito Supreme is a “steak”, and that four steaks make a quad*, as seen here. And that doesn’t even come close to figuring out how much ground beef goes into a “fraud”, or how many jalapenos constitute a “volcano”. It’s like visiting a foreign country, except everyone speaks English and you can drink the water. So I guess what I’m trying to say is that working at Taco Bell is like going to Canada.

Does Canada even have burritos?

If you’re a faithful Junk Food Betty reader or aware of news in any way, you’re aware of some recent meat-based controversy surrounding Taco Bell. This was immediately followed by Taco Bell releasing their new, improved steak products, which are advertised as “thicker, tender steak” The timing of this makes me suspicious that this change in product might’ve been a bit rushed. “LOOK OVER THERE, AMERICA! NEW, IMPROVED STEAK! JUST STOP LOOKING HERE, AT THIS GROUND BEEF”. As the flagship item to showcase the new steak, they’ve launched the Quad* Steak Burrito and Quad* Steak Quesadilla. The Burrito is composed of the new steak, rice, salsa, sour cream (reduced fat for you fat fucks!), and cheddar cheese wrapped in a flour tortilla. It’s not an inspiring configuration of ingredients, to be sure, and can even be accused of being boring. However, it does have a lot of steaks going for it.

You may have noticed that this review, and Taco Bell’s website, have gotten pretty excited about the use of asterisks. This is to inform you, the consumer, that the Quad* Steak products contain four times the amount of steak as that found in a Steak Burrito Supreme. Except that advertising containing asterisks always makes people think that there’s some shady fine print bullshit going on. “What’s with the asterisks?” I can hear you thinking. “How many oats and soys are contained in this ‘meat’?” But you can rest easy, my suspicious friend. Taco Bell’s steak contains no oats, and less than a “kikkoman” worth of soy. There is no legerdemain. Taco Bell just really, really wants you to know precisely how many steaks you’re violently cramming into your sauce-stained, gnashing mouth-hole. The answer, by the way, is a quad*.

Upon purchase of the Quad* Steak Burrito, I immediately seized it from the bag and gave it a precise, bouncing heft to determine its girth. Clocking in at a quad* of steaks, I expected the item, about the same size as a Grilled Stuft Burrito, to have the density of a dying star. While not neutronium-heavy, it has a decent mass, similar to a “sob” of onions or a “blush” of beans. Upon tasting, the steak is obviously the star of the show, as the burrito is stuffed to the gills with the stuff. And it’s changed, as advertised, into thicker, tender pieces (not they don’t use the phrase “more tender”, as that would imply it was tender before and I think that’s illegal to say). The steak is pretty tender, while still being toothsome, and the pieces do appear bigger. Personally, I felt the flavor suffered quite a bit, likely due to being taken from a different cut of meat. It has a less assertive beef flavor that, while it works alright in this product, may not be able to stand up to some of the stronger ingredients in other preparations. This is disappointing, given my long-standing relationship with the Steak Baja Gordita. I’m sorry, baby. It’s not you, it’s me. Wait, actually, no. It’s you. It’s aaallll you.

A thousand times you. I'm actually pretty great.

The quesadilla was also sampled by the Junk Food Betty Division of Product Analysis and Unreasonable Judgement. Long story short, it’s the burrito with less rice and more cheese., and I’m sure you’re blown the Hell away by that. Both are $5 for a quad* of steak, or $4 for a double* of steaks. Given the prices, for $5 I’ll ravage their dollar menu or, better yet, head out of Blandsville and over to Chiptole or a local Mexican joint.

  • Score: 2.5 out of 5 disappointing vacations to Blandsville
  • Price: $4.99 for Quad* Steak, $3.99 for a double* steak
  • Size: 1 quad*
  • Purchased at: Taco Bell #004989
  • Nutritional Quirks: 26 “bypasses” of fat
Fast Food

McDonald’s Chipotle BBQ Bacon Angus

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McDonald’s has already introduced three other Angus burgers, and I have somehow managed to skip out on all of them. That’s about to change, because they’ve just launched a fourth one, the Chipotle BBQ Bacon Angus, and I have it in my hungry little hands.

From the mouth of Ronald McDonald and his marketing team, “Make time for the bold taste of a third-pound* 100% Angus beef smothered in sensationally sweet ‘n smoky Chipotle BBQ sauce, kicked up with crisp red onions, sliced pickles and two slices of American cheese, all on a toasted sesame seed bun.”

For the sake of full disclosure, the asterisk leads to this message: “*weight before cooking at least 5.33 oz (151.1 gms). At participating McDonald’s.” Valuable information I’m sure you wanted to know.

I love chipotle. Chipotle is really hot right now (har har), which usually annoys me, because once a flavor gets hot it sneaks itself into every food possible. I wouldn’t be surprised to see pomegranates on top of a hamburger at some point, since pomegranate is so in at the moment. I imagine marketing departments scrambling around, trying to figure out how to incorporate the latest fad flavor into every single item on the menu.

I just realized something. Fast food is a lot like fashion. That’s creepy.

Anyway, I can’t fault McDonald’s for putting chipotle on a hamburger. My husband has been using chipotle in his hamburgers for years. Chipotle and meat go together great. I’m glad to see they’re finally dating publicly. I even saw chipotle wearing hamburger’s Letterman’s jacket in home room the other day. They seemed happy together.

Let’s start with the good: McDonald’s Chipotle BBQ Bacon Angus is hefty. The Angus beef patty was large, juicy and flavorful, which was a surprise to me, compared to a regular McDonald’s burger. The Angus really steps it up on quality and flavor. Also, the red onions were fresh and added a good crunch.

Sadly, those are about the only good things I can say about this burger. The BBQ sauce was okay, but there was nothing chipotle about it. Chipotle has a very distinct flavor – spicy, smokey goodness – and I worked hard, but just could not find it. Sure, there was some smokiness, but it was the kind that comes with BBQ sauce, not chipotle. If you’d blindfolded me and handed me the burger and asked me to describe it, I would have said it’s a burger with BBQ sauce on it. The word chipotle would have never passed my lips.

Actually, I would have said it’s a BBQ burger with Limp Bacon Syndrome. The bacon was plentiful, but it was the same sad little floppy strips you usually come across. I’ll revise my blindfolded evaluation one more time: I would have said it’s a BBQ burger with Limp Bacon Syndrome and a strangely overwhelming amount of pickles. Yes, that’s right – the pickles. They were the most prominent flavor on the burger. I thought maybe it was just a fluke, so I asked my husband, who had also ordered a Chipotle BBQ Bacon Angus. He said he had been thinking the exact same thing. I didn’t count the amount of pickles on the burger, but I should have. Perhaps it had the standard amount of pickles and they just didn’t jive with the sauce, which made their flavor stand out. I don’t know what it was. All I know is pickles, pickles everywhere. I don’t think I’ve ever had such a pickle problem with a burger before, but there you have it.

I was really disappointed in McDonald’s Chipotle BBQ Bacon Angus. I loved the hamburger patty and will probably try one of the three other Angus burgers as a result, but when you have something in the name that is impossible to detect (at least to me), sad bacon on what is supposed to be a high(er)-quality burger, and strangely overpowering pickles, you don’t have a successful burger concept. Especially not for the price. I expected good things from the Chipotle BBQ Bacon Angus, and I didn’t get what I wanted. I have to end this review now, because I have to go McDonald’s and throw an inappropriate tantrum in the middle of their restaurant.

(Note: The Impulsive Buy, GrubGrade, We Rate Stuff and An Immovable Feast also reviewed this burger.)

  • Score: 2 out of 5 so many pickles
  • Price: $3.99
  • Size: At least 5.33 oz. before cooking
  • Purchased at: McDonald’s #1[number didn’t print on receipt]427
  • Nutritional Quirks: Pickles provide 10 mg of calcium.  Who knew?