Category Archives: Fast Food

Fast Food, Miscellaneous

Food News: Taco Bell Meat Only 35% Meat; Taco Bell Patrons Neither Shocked Nor Concerned

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Oh my god there's no way this can be happening I mean just look that's 100% USDA ground beef c'mon guys

I first heard about this yesterday from a Tweet made by Fast Food Maven. I thought it nothing more than funny, but apparently it’s become kind of a Big Deal in the media, so I figured I should bring it up here.

Some lawyers at Beasley, Allen, Crow, Methvin, Portis & Miles (their business cards must have very small font) are filing a lawsuit against Taco Bell, alleging that Taco Bell uses binders and fillers in its meat and that the “meat” itself actually contains only 35% real meat. Taco Bell, of course, is refuting this. Their website lists the ingredients of their seasoned beef as “ Beef, Water, Seasoning [Isolated Oat Product, Salt, Chili Pepper, Onion Powder, Tomato Powder, Oats (Wheat), Soy Lecithin, Sugar, Spices, Maltodextrin, Soybean Oil (Anti-dusting Agent), Garlic Powder, Autolyzed Yeast Extract, Citric Acid, Caramel Color, Cocoa Powder (Processed With Alkali), Silicon Dioxide, Natural Flavors, Yeast, Modified Corn Starch, Natural Smoke Flavor], Salt, Sodium Phosphates. CONTAINS SOYBEAN, WHEAT.”

Hm.  Can’t imagine that anyone would think there’s fillers in there!

Let’s be honest, Taco Bell’s regular patrons are neither surprised or alarmed by these allegations. As a Taco Bell regular myself, I’ve known any time Taco Bell used the word meat in text that it should have quotation marks around it. In fact, I think all this talk about Taco Bell is making more people crave a fourthmeal rather than be outraged. I could go for a Meximelt, myself.

Update: Taco Bell is handling this in just the right way – with a sense of humor.  They recently Tweeted a link to Stephen Colbert’s take on the situation.  I particularly enjoy the phrase “beef-adjacent”.

On January 27, Taco Bell posted a YouTube video featuring Taco Bell’s President, breaking down exactly what goes into their seasoned ground beef. Furthermore, they sent out what I guess you could call a press release with the title, “Thank you for suing us.”

Taco Bell knows their customers.  They know, just like I do, that Taco Bell patrons don’t really give a shit.  They’re turning this lawsuit into a laughingstock, and I’m laughing right along with them. Way to go, Taco Bell!

Fast Food

Burger King Jalapeño & Cheddar BK Stuffed Steakhouse Burger

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The Internet is mildly abuzz about Burger King’s Jalapeño & Cheddar BK Stuffed Steakhouse burger. It’s the first “wacky” fast food item to debut in 2011. I’ll let Burger King’s official press release explain. Imagine The King staring at you from outside your window while you read it. Don’t imagine him saying it though; The King does not talk. Little known fact: this is because The King got involved with some very shady characters a while back, and he saw too much. He paid the price; he’ll never squeal again. I should probably not explain any further. I’ve already said too much.

Anyway, press release. “This premium sandwich packs a flavorful punch of robust ingredients with bits of jalapeño peppers and Cheddar cheese inside the juicy flame-broiled burger that’s topped off with creamy poblano sauce, ripe tomatoes and crisp lettuce on a premium bakery bun.”

I don’t really understand all the hubbub. Oh my god, they put what would usually go on top of the burger inside the burger! They must be crazy! My husband has been doing that for years. Garlic, chipotle, onions, you name it. Right in the raw ground beef, then right into the pan. How is this strange or overindulgent? Have I finally lost my grasp on the last shred of understanding how normal people see food? It’s a very real possibility.

I do like one other tidbit from the press release. According to Jonathan Muhtar, vice president, global product marketing and innovation, Burger King Corp, “With our first ever stuffed sandwich, we’re giving our guests what they want – juicy 100-percent beef infused with jalapeños and Cheddar for an experience you can see and taste in every bite.”

I like to imagine hundreds – nay, thousands – of angry emails coming in from faithful Burger King lovers, demanding that BK start shoving shit into their meat patties. Vehemence. Violent threats. Back against the wall, Mr. Muhtar had no choice. This is where all of his global product marketing and innovation were going to be put to the test. It was go time.

Jalapeños and cheddar are pretty pedestrian items when it comes to violating a meat patty, but I’m intrigued by the “creamy poblano sauce”. The poblano pepper is generally a very mild pepper. It’s the pepper vessel used in the dish chile relleno, if that gives you any further context. I’m curious as to why this particular pepper was chosen to be incorporated into a sauce. I guess the only way to find out is to eat the thing.

My first impression of the Burger King Jalapeño & Cheddar BK Stuffed Steakhouse burger (do we really need the BK? It’s a long enough product title and I’m pretty sure I know where I got it from, I’m not Sammy Jenkins) was that it has a nice heft and is quite large. Large enough that my petite mouth could barely take a solid bite. Imagine one of those sexy Carl’s Jr. commercials with Kim Kardashian messily eating a burger, except replace her with some dumb food blogger wearing an oversized Newcastle Brown Ale shirt with no pants on watching the awful reality tv show of your choosing. Ladies eating giant burgers aren’t always sexy. Trust me.

The lettuce was not the best, but that’s to be expected from a fast food joint. All those white pieces did add a nice crunch, though. The tomatoes tasted fresh. The bun, described as “premium”, was a little different than your usual stepped-on-looking bun. It was nice and fluffy, and was topped with corn flour instead of your typical sesame seeds.

Of course, the important part was the patty. As you can see, there are visible bits of jalapeño and cheddar embedded in the burger, as advertised. After eating a few bites, I was already appreciating the heat of the jalapeño. Fast food joints tend to play up the spiciness of their food, but this burger had legit heat. By the time I finished, my nose was running a little. That’s the sign of some legitimate capsacin in the house.

While the heat was a surprising and welcome addition, I found the star of the show was really the creamy poblano sauce. I’ll admit, I struggled to find any true poblano flavor. But nonetheless, that sauce was delicious and plentiful. It seemed more like a southwest mayo, but with a little something I couldn’t quite place. I hate it when there’s that little touch of flavor that I just can’t nail down. The sauce wasn’t really spicy, but it had lots of flavor that played really well with the heat from the jalapeño chunks.

What was sadly missing from this otherwise tasty group of ingredients was the cheese. I really tried to taste the cheddar, but I just couldn’t find it in there. Maybe there was a subtle creaminess of cheese, but not really any cheese flavor. Heck, the creaminess could have come from the sauce, for all I know.

The Burger King Jalapeño & Cheddar BK Stuffed Steakhouse Burger isn’t that wacky, but it is a quality burger. The runny nose effect shows that it has a good amount of heat. I loved the poblano sauce too, even though I was mystified as to what was making it taste so good. The lettuce was weak and I had a hard time getting any cheddar flavor, which was the most disappointing part. But even without the cheese, this stuffed burger is spicy and tasty. It’s available for a limited time only, but hopefully it will be successful enough to inspire more Stuffed Steakhouse burgers. I know from personal experience that chipotles and sriracha sauce both make good stuffings. Just a tip, in case The King is reading this. Stay clean, man, you don’t want to lose any more body parts.

(Note: The Impulsive Buy, GrubGrade, An Immovable Feast and Me So Hungry have also reviewed this burger.  J & C BK Stuffed Steakhouse is the belle of the ball!)

  • Score: 4 out of 5 eerily silent Kings
  • Price: $3.99
  • Size: 1 burger
  • Purchased at: Burger King #17145
  • Nutritional Quirks: There doesn’t seem to be any nutritional information available from BK for this burger, but I’m dying to know what’s in the creamy poblano sauce. Maybe the secret ingredient is magic!

(Edit: Thanks to The Impulsive Buy and Burger King’s PR department, I now know that this burger has a surprisingly low 590 calories, but you can take heart in the 34 grams of total fat which includes 12 grams of saturated and 2 grams of trans.  Also enjoy your 1,240 milligrams of sodium!)

Fast Food

Jack in the Box Chorizo Cheesy Fries

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Jack in the Box revamped their french fries last year, which I reviewed over at The Impulsive Buy. I gave them a 7 out of 10, which some people objected to, but I don’t even remember what they tasted like. People have strong opinions about fries, and they really want you to know those opinions. Fair enough. The point here is not that I possibly suck at judging fries, the point is that Jack in the Box has now put stuff on their fries. Namely, cheese sauce and chorizo. Chorizo! I do not believe I have ever seen a fast food restaurant that had anything with chorizo on or in it before. Kudos to Jack. In the competitive world of fast food one-upmanship, it’s hard to find something unique.

There are Cheesy Fries and Chorizo Cheesy Fries available on the menu. I chose the latter because I figured I could tackle two birds with one stone. Interestingly, I’ve seen very little media coverage about these. No commercials, no emails…there’s no promo on JitB’s website, but the Cheesy Fries are in the menu section. No chorizo to be seen. The only real advertising I’ve seen is a big poster in the window of the restaurant itself. Just seems…odd.

Anyway. I love chorizo. I love chorizo even though it gives me terrible heartburn, every time. It’s an abusive relationship, but chorizo always tells me baby, I’m sorry, it won’t happen again. In the back of my mind I don’t believe it, but I can’t quit chorizo. So I was pretty excited to try these fries.

My husband was with me when I ordered the Chorizo Cheesy Fries, so he got an order, too. I opened mine up and was greeted with a sad box of fries with barely any chorizo on it. The other box fared a little better, so he made the ultimate sacrifice and let me have his box to photograph and eat. He’s an honorable, courageous man. I’m organizing a 5k in his honor.

Even with the switch, there wasn’t as much chorizo or cheese sauce as I would have liked. It may look like a fair amount in the picture, but it really wasn’t. Look at all those naked outliers. I want my fries smothered and covered, and these fries were like, wearing a towel around their waists. Terrible analogy that I will not continue.

I know this picture looks disgusting. I know a lot of pictures I take of fast food look disgusting. But this one has an actual defense in that chorizo always kind of looks like a dog barfed up a bowl of chili. Don’t judge a book by its cover, people. Chorizo has a really great personality and a great sense of humor. Your blind date with it will go fantastic, I’m just sure of it.

I was surprised by how authentic the chorizo tasted. I guess I’ve kind of gotten used to fast food that kind of tastes like real food. Taco Bell’s ground beef kind of tastes like ground beef. McDonald’s chicken nuggets kind of taste like real chicken. But this chorizo actually tasted like chorizo, with that delightful spicy sausage flavor. It was a pleasant surprise. It was also greasy as hell, but that’s just the way chorizo is. And I wonder why I get heartburn.

Unfortunately, since there was so little cheese sauce and chorizo has a very strong flavor, the cheese sauce basically disappeared. That made me sad, because I really like JitB’s Bacon Cheddar Potato Wedges, and I assume they used the same cheese sauce on these fries as they do on the wedges. Granted, the cheese sauce on the wedges isn’t super flavorful, but they always pile it on and for some reason I really like it.

Overall, I enjoyed Jack in the Box’s Chorizo Cheesy Fries. The fries were soggy, but that’s to be expected, and that’s why you get a fork. It was also really salty, but I dig that. It’s the perfect drunk food, but I think I’ve established that I don’t have to be drunk to enjoy that particular niche of edibles. I think if I get them again, I’ll request double cheese and double chorizo, so that I can get the proper smothering (and extra heartburn) I was looking for. Hopefully, with a double cheese sauce, it will become a bigger player. The strong and authentic flavor of the chorizo helped me feel less sad about all those naked fries. I think Jack has the formula right, but the application wrong. A simple portion fix would really elevate Chorizo Cheesy Fries to the next level.

(Note: The Impulsive Buy also reviewed these fries AND the Cheesy Fries.)

  • Score: 3.5 out of 5 swigs of Mylanta
  • Price: $1.99
  • Size: 1 box
  • Purchased at: Jack in the Box #196
  • Nutritional Quirks: Since Chorizo Cheesy Fries aren’t on Jack’s website, I looked at the Cheesy Fries. With them already at 1,145 milligrams of sodium, I can’t imagine what the chorizo would bring to the salt party. Have water nearby!
Fast Food

Taco Bell Beefy Crunch Burrito

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So is this going to be a thing now? Fritos? Are Fritos the next pomegranate? Sonic has had their Frito Chili Cheese Wrap on the menu for as long as I have been going there, but then they upped the ante with their Sonic Tex Mex Footlong Quarter Pound Coney. Now Taco Bell has hopped on the Frito bandwagon with their new Beefy Crunch Burrito. I’ll let Taco Bell explain:

“Layers of seasoned ground beef, rice, warm nacho cheese sauce, reduced fat sour cream and Flamin’ Hot Fritos wrapped in a warm, flour tortilla.”

Classic Taco Bell move. The first four ingredients in this description should sound familiar because they’re in every other Taco Bell menu item, ever. But hey – Fritos! Flamin’ Hot Fritos, no less. Frito-Lay has Flaminized many of their products. I am quite fond of Cheetos Flamin’ Hot Limon, but they stain your fingers for a whole day, announcing your snacking habits to the world. I also once powered through a whole bag of Flamin’ Hot Funyuns, but in my defense, I was drunk.

So now we’ve got snack food inside fast food. I’m reminded once again of Sonic and their Ched R Pepper SuperSONIC Cheeseburger, which stuck jalapeño poppers inside a burger. I like where this is going. Funyuns replacing real onions on a McDonald’s burger. Jack in the Box Ultimate Jack Link Beef Jerky Grilled Cheese Sandwich. KFC chicken breaded with crushed Doritos Blazin’ Buffalo and Ranch. Burger King’s new Ranch Corn Nuts Bacon Cheeseburger.

Oh yeah. This is going all the right places.

Flamin’ Hot Fritos may make the Crunchy Beef Burrito Taco Bell’s most caliente menu item, which is sad because they have a whole Volcano menu devoted to items that are supposed to make your brain blow out the back of your head with the heat but instead just make you wish you had a can of Spicy Hot V8 on hand. It’s no good when you want a beverage to make your mouth burn instead of cool it off.

With pretty much nowhere to go but up in my mind, let’s see what this bitch can deliver.

Okay, so here’s the rub: The Beefy Crunch Burrito has the word “crunch” in its name. But anyone with half a brain would know that Fritos don’t stand a chance when they’re smothered in nacho cheese sauce and reduced fat sour cream.  “Kelley,” you could scream to me in the comments section, “you can’t fault the Fritos for being soggy when you drive all the way home to eat! Eat inside the Taco Bell! You’re being unfair to the Beefy Crunch Burrito when you complain that the Fritos were soggy!”

Yes, the Fritos were soggy. No, I didn’t eat it inside the restaurant. I drove through the drive-thru and took my food home, to eat and photograph in the privacy of my own domicile. Millions of people do that, every day. That’s why we eat fast food. That’s why the drive-thru was invented. Well, that and for people who eat in their cars, but that’s something I just don’t do. Eyes on the road! Hands at ten and two! Didn’t you learn anything in driver’s ed?

I believe fast food companies should prepare for these kinds of situations, and design menu items appropriately. What I’m trying to say here is, don’t blame me, blame Taco Bell. Don’t put something that’s supposed to be crunchy in with a bunch of stuff that will turn it to mush in ten seconds. It’s just going to end poorly.

Rant aside, there was another problem with the Beefy Crunch Burrito. I’ll accept snack foods in my fast food – I just raved about the possibilities a few paragraphs ago – but I’m not going to give them a free pass when it doesn’t work out. And the Beefy Crunch Burrito didn’t. All the regular players got along fine: seasoned beef shook hands with nacho cheese, sour cream said hi to the rice, and warm flour tortilla invited everyone in for a group hug. Then Flamin’ Hot Fritos invited itself over and everyone got uncomfortable. The pronounced and very recognizable corn chip flavor just seemed out of place with everything else, jarring my taste buds and overwhelming all the other flavors. The best word to describe it would be “discordant”. Corn chips just didn’t belong. It felt like I was eating a corn chip burrito with some other stuff thrown in.

As for the Flamin’ Hot portion, I’ll admit, they did give off a little heat. I think it was diluted from the nacho cheese and sour cream, because it wasn’t quite as hot as the Flamin Hot chips themselves. I wished it had been super hot; then maybe it would have drowned out the corn chip taste a bit.

Beefy Crunch Burrito really let me down. It’s not often that I outright dislike a Taco Bell product, but here we are. Points are docked for soggy Fritos, but that’s a design flaw. The real problem is that overpowering corn chip taste that drowns everything else out and really doesn’t belong. Taco Bell isn’t really marketing it as a “blow your brains out spicy” item, but even so, there was very little heat. The Beefy Crunch Burrito is a mess; that said, I still encourage fast food companies to start stuffing snacks into their menu items. Bring on the crazy!

(Update: I decided to bust this down to a score of 1.5 from 2 since it really wasn’t that close to average.)

  • Score: 1.5 out of 5 lingering hugs by Flamin’ Hot Fritos
  • Price: $0.99
  • Size: 1 burrito
  • Purchased at: Taco Bell
  • Nutritional Quirks: Let’s put it this way: seasoned ground beef, nacho cheese sauce, rice, sour cream, flour tortilla, Flamin’ Hot Fritos.  One of these is not like the other!
Beverages, Fast Food

Starbucks Eggnog Latte, Gingerbread Latte and Gingerbread Loaf

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It’s been years since I’ve voluntarily been in a Starbucks. I guess you could call it a conflict of interest. On the one hand, I do have a bit of that snobby hippie attitude that thinks Starbucks is evil and corporate and I’d rather support a mom ‘n’ pop coffee shop. Also, they are overpriced as hell and I’m fine with making my own coffee at home and drinking it black. On the other hand, I have to admit, I’m amenable to the occasional fancy fru-fru latte or Frappucino. Fortunately, price always wins out over taste, so I don’t have to worry about any moral conundrums.

However, when I heard about their “Buy One Holiday Drink, Get One Free” promotion, I thought, hey, what the heck. While Starbucks’s website only seems to acknowledge Peppermint Mocha, Caramel Brulée Latte and Gingerbread Latte as their Holiday Drinks, my local Starbucks also offered Peppermint White Hot Chocolate, Eggnog Latte, and a few other peppermint-related drinks that I can’t remember. I picked up the eggnog and gingerbread lattes because I was pretty sure I’d know how the peppermint offerings would taste like. Peppermint. I thought the eggnog and gingerbread lattes might be more interesting. I also didn’t realize they are 11 and 25 years old, respectively. But hey, they’re new to me! So now you have to deal with it.

In addition to getting one of my lattes for free, I also got a free sample of Starbucks Gingerbread Loaf! So hey, I threw it in the mix. Why not.  Get into the holiday spirit.

Eggnog Latte

According to Starbucks, “This wildly popular interpretation of holiday eggnog layers rich espresso with subtle spices, the perfect choice for chilly mornings or cozy afternoons.”

Apparently I was supposed to get whipped cream with a touch of nutmeg. This did not happen. That’s okay though, because the coffee was still tasty. I love me some eggnog during the holiday season. Not too much eggnog though, because that shit is rich. Starbucks definitely nailed the eggnog flavor, but didn’t make it so overpowering that I couldn’t finish the cup. There were also some nice subtle touches of nutmeg and cinnamon. It also still had a nice coffee finish. I couldn’t really tell what those little flecks were that you see on top, but it might have been nutmeg? Maybe?

Gingerbread Latte

Starbucks sez: “With the flavor of freshly baked gingerbread, this beverage combines espresso, gingerbread flavored syrup and steamed milk, topped by whipped cream and ground nutmeg.”

Apparently I was supposed to get whipped cream with a touch of nutmeg. This did not happen. Again. I really should have looked at Starbucks’s website before I went. Then I would have known to ask for the works. Oh well! The gingerbread latte was creamy and very smooth. It also had a deeper flavor than the Eggnog Latte; I could really taste the cinnamon and a bit of molasses. Even though it was smoother, it also managed to be richer than the eggnog, and I found myself liking that more.

I was surprised that I liked the Gingerbread Latte better than the Eggnog Latte. If you were to ask me which flavor I like better in general, I would always pick eggnog over gingerbread. In this case, however, the spices and flavors of the gingerbread really came through more, and the texture was smoother and creamier. On the other hand, you could actually taste the coffee in the Eggnog Latte, whereas it was nothing but sweetness and gingerbread flavor in the Gingerbread Latte. So I guess it actually depends on what I’m looking for: if all I want is a warm drink that makes me think of Christmas morning, I’d go with the Gingerbread Latte. If I want a cup of coffee that also makes me get warm holiday fuzzies, I’d go with the Eggnog Latte. After drinking both the lattes, I feel like Starbucks can keep their whipped cream. Both beverages were sweet enough and held their own just fine.

Gingerbread Loaf

I wasn’t expecting to review this, but hey, there was a whole tray of Gingerbread Loaf samples in front of my face as I placed my order, and how could I say no to free food?

I’ve never had Starbucks Gingerbread Loaf before. I was afraid it would be dry, since the samples were just sitting out in the open air, but that little motherfucker was moist. You know I’m serious when I not only use the word “moist”, but I italicize it. Moist is one of the grossest words ever.

But seriously, this shit was crazy good. The cake was fluffy and incredibly…sigh…moist, and the flavors were spot-on. You could really taste the ginger, the cinnamon, and all those other flavors that make gingerbread yummy. And the frosting! I am generally not fond of frosting, since it’s usually too sweet for my palate, but I’ve always loved cream cheese frosting, and Starbucks makes some damn good frosting. Or buys some damn good frosting. Whatever. My sample piece also had a little orange thingie on top of the frosting. I have no idea what it was, but it was also tasty. Maybe candied ginger?

The texture and the flavor of the loaf combined with the deliciousness of the frosting made Starbucks Gingerbread Loaf an awesome snack. I wish I’d yelled “FIRE!” in the middle of the store, distracted everyone, and run out with the whole tray. Only problem is, the loaf is so rich that I probably would have only been able to eat three of them before I reached my richness threshold. Eating two bites of loaf and drinking 24 ounces of lattes made my stomach unhappy with the amount of sugar I’d ingested in one sitting. It was worth it, though, because I was not disappointed by any of the Starbucks offerings.

I’m still too proletariat, both financially and philosophically, to become a slave to Starbucks. But as the weather cools down and Christmas decorations fill me with holiday cheer instead of rage at how early they’ve appeared, I might stop by a Starbucks and pick up a holiday latte and a slice of Gingerbread Loaf. After all, isn’t Christmas all about spending inappropriate amounts of money?

  • Score: 4 out of 5 sugar plums for all three holiday goodies
  • Price: $3.65 for the whole lot
  • Size: 2 “tall” lattes (12 oz. each); one sample-sized loaf
  • Purchased at: Starbucks #6955
  • Nutritional Quirks: Some straight up facts – both lattes combined bring to your body 560 calories, 65% daily value of saturated fat, 68 grams of sugar, and 150 milligrams of caffeine.  I’m sure the Gingerbread Loaf is also a shining example of health food! Holiday weight gain be damned!
Fast Food

Sonic Tex Mex Footlong Quarter Pound Coney

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I’ve had a craving to get a fast food hot dog for a while now. Don’t ask me why; I get pregnant woman-esque cravings for random foods all the time. Since my local KFC/A&W hybrid went all Colonel all the time and there’s not a Wienerschnitzel close enough for my satisfaction, my only option is Sonic Drive-In.

What got me from “Gee, I should get a hot dog” to “Oh damn, I need that hot dog NOW” was Sonic’s Tex Mex Footlong Quarter Pound Coney. I think Sonic’s website describes it best: “Coney lovers won’t want to miss this footlong quarter pound hot dog topped with warm chili, crunchy FRITOS® chips, shredded cheddar cheese, diced onions, sliced jalapeños and zesty Southwest chipotle sauce all inside a soft, warm bakery bun.”

That’s a holy hell of a lot of toppings on a hot dog! Of course, my eyeballs immediately zoned in on the “Fritos” part. Sonic has had a Fritos Chili Cheese Wrap on the menu for a long time now, and I’ve always wanted to try it, just because it sounded ridiculous. It wasn’t until I watched some random episode of King of the Hill quite a few years ago that I realized Frito pie is a real thing, that real people actually eat. I blame Texas. You can blame Peggy Hill for me blaming Texas.

Armed with minimal knowledge of Frito pie, the Frito Wrap seemed mildly less ridiculous, but only in the way lutefisk seems less ridiculous just because it is real and exists outside the realm of unicorns and leprechauns. Lutefisk is still fish soaked in lye, and Frito pie is still a pie made with motherfucking Fritos. Humans are silly.

Reinforcing my judgmental glare towards Texas, I’m assuming the “Tex” part of Sonic’s Coney dog is the Fritos, chili and cheese, while the “Mex” is covered by the jalapeños and Southwest chipotle sauce. The onions straddle the middle, keeping Tex from pointing a shotgun at Mex and telling it to go back to where it came from and quit taking Americans’ jobs. Ouch. Topical.

Hot-button political issues aside, I had to try this hot dog. So I drove to my nearest Sonic, which weirds me out every time I go there. First of all, they have those car stalls where you park and place your order and somebody comes out on rollerblades and gives you a tray with all your Frito pie wraps and shit. If you’re going to commit to pretending it’s still 1956, why not have them wear roller skates? And didn’t rollerblades become passe in the 1990s? Sonic, you’re all over the place.

Second of all, if you want to be a self-respecting person and get your food at the drive-thru so you can take it home and engorge yourself in privacy, you still have to deal with the carhops. Instead of handing you your bag of grease through a window, you shout your order into the metal box and then drive up two car lengths, park, and wait for your food to be delivered to you via said carhop, who has to skate over three feet of concrete and then awkwardly step into the decorative bed of shrubs and rocks at the curb, struggling not to faceplant as she hands you your food and gives you your change via an attractive coinholder apron.

I felt bad for my carhop. I had to wait 15 minutes to get my food, and when she apologized for the wait, I told her it was okay, because I’m generally a nice person and she seemed pretty frazzled. Also, she was cute. She then thanked me for being so nice, and launched into a story about the car in front of me, who complained that their food was cold, made her get new food, then told her they were going to call someone to complain about their wait and demanded an unknown quantity of free food upon their next visit. She also said her feet were very tired. I felt bad for her, and wished her a better rest of the day. In hindsight, I probably should have tipped her. You’re probably supposed to tip carhops, and I was probably getting a sob story for a better tip. Sorry, cute girl, I suck at carhop etiquette.

Three paragraphs of curmudgeonly complaining about Sonic’s food delivery method aside, let’s get to the actual hot dog, shall we?

Okay, so first off, I did not take the moniker of “footlong” seriously until I slid this bad boy out of its foil pouch when I got home. Please see my wooden ruler that I probably stole from school in third grade for proof. This Coney is serious business. I was immediately hit with the strong smell of onions and jalapeños, which elicited a Pavlovian saliva response in my mouth.

I have never seen such a large hot dog. And so loaded with toppings! They certainly didn’t skimp on anything. I wasn’t even sure how to tackle the beast. After a few moments of contemplation, I just went for it. I had to actually use one hand to hold the end and the other to support the middle, or else the whole thing would have flopped over, spilling all the toppings and making me the saddest person holding a malfunctioned footlong hot dog.

I have to say, I love the Tex Mex Footlong Quarter Pound Coney. It feels so wrong, but it tastes so right. Amazingly, with all those toppings, almost all of the flavors have their own time to shine. You taste the spicy jalapeño first, along with the onion, which delivers a great crunch. As you chew more, the cheese and the chili come through. The chili is that thinner kind of chili that I just love on a hot dog. After you get through the chili, you hit the hot dog. I had my doubts about the quality of the hot dog, but it was actually really tasty. I wanna say it tasted like a dirty water dog, but I’m not a hot dog expert (yet), so don’t hold me to that.

The two ingredients that didn’t shine were the Fritos and the Southwest chipotle sauce. By the time I got my Tex Mex Coney home, the Fritos were already mostly soggy. They did contribute a corn flavor that I liked, which surprised me, but I would have appreciated some crunch from the chips. Luckily, the onions were bright and fresh, and made up for the crunch that the chips didn’t deliver. I managed to get a little of the chipotle sauce on my hand (well, actually, I got pretty much everything on my hands), and it was tasty, although a little too subtle on the chipotle. For this reason, the sauce absolutely disappeared when eating the hot dog itself. I think it faded into the flavor of the chili, which was disappointing. I wish I could just take some of that sauce home and put it on a plain hot dog to see how it would taste on its own.

Despite these two minor failings, I am crazy about Sonic’s Tex Mex Footlong Quarter Pound Coney. There was no way I could finish it in one serving, but I tried my best. Afterward, my stomach was…unsettled. Not nauseous, not “get ready for your bowels to punish you for eating such a monstrosity”, just sort of churning. I felt like my stomach was confused. It wasn’t sure what to do with so much craziness. Even despite this, I went back to the fridge two more times to take just a few more bites. Even a little cold, I still loved it. I was a slave to the Tex Mex Coney.

Texas has two stupid sayings: “Everything’s bigger in Texas” and “Don’t mess with Texas”. While I want to punch anyone who ever says these things in the face, they apply to the Tex Mex Footlong Quarter Pound Coney. It’s a giant hot dog with tons of toppings, and if you are not ready to get messy and ridiculous, this Coney is not for you. But if you’re like me, a person willing to eat a hot dog with corn chips on it that’s the size of my forearm, I urge you to try it. Just don’t make any plans for the rest of the day, because you will be rendered incapable of moving and also chugging down gallons of water due to the insane sodium content.

Also note that this is a limited time offer, so you better get moving (if you want to be rendered incapable of moving)!

  • Score: 4.5 out of 5 carhop faceplants
  • Price: $3.69
  • Size: 1 giant fuckoff footlong quarter pound Coney hot dog
  • Purchased at: Sonic #3517
  • Nutritional Quirks: Contains 80.1 grams of fat, which is 15.1 grams more than you’re supposed to have IN ONE DAY.  Also contains 2,551 milligrams of sodium, which is almost twice that of the Double Down and also exceeds the daily recommended intake for one full day.  YEE-HAW!
Fast Food

Popeyes Crawfish Festival Tackle Box

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Did you know that Popeyes 2nd Annual Crawfish Festival is going on right now?! I did. Obviously. Since I am writing this. But I was even more keenly aware of it because I missed writing about the first Annual Crawfish Festival, and I always regretted it, just a little bit, in the back of my mind. I mean, really, what was I doing around that time? Well, I had just reviewed what is probably the worst thing I’ve ever eaten. You’d think after that, I’d be up for anything.

But the fact of the matter is, I was intimidated by Popeyes Crawfish Festival. Despite having grown up 20 minutes away from the Pacific Ocean, my experience with seafood of any kind up until a few years ago consisted primarily of fried shrimp drenched in cocktail sauce and putting my trust in the Gorton’s Fisherman. It’s shameful, I know. I blame my parents and Taco Bell.

I’ve made baby steps since that time. I had tilapia and enjoyed it. A variety of sushis have tickled my palate. But ever since that fateful day that I met my husband’s grandmother for the first time and she served us a beautiful dish of freshly boiled lobster straight from Maine (that I had made friends with the night before), I’ve been largely hesitant about most crustaceans. The moment I cracked the lobster and a murky liquid gushed out, I was done. No more. So strong was my distaste that I refused to eat one bite, snubbing my future grandmother-in-law in the worst way. Did I mention she’s Italian? Yeah. The worst way.

Fortunately she took it with good humor, and I didn’t burn any familial bridges on our very first meeting. The damage had been done for me, however. So when I saw Popeyes Crawfish Festival last year, I pussied out. Not only are crawfish crustaceans, they are popular mainly in the South, especially Louisiana, where I hear they still practice voodoo. I’ve never been to the South, and am extremely unfamiliar with the majority of their popular dishes. Double trepidation. Voodoo crawfish.

But it’s been a year, and I’d like to think that my culinary misadventures have strengthened both my exo and endoskeleton enough that I can man up and participate in the Crawfish Festival. If not, it doesn’t matter, because I’ve already got the food. There’s no turning back now!

Popeyes offers several different dishes containing the crawfish. I chose the Tackle Box, which is “piled high with regular side, biscuit and Popeyes very own Creamy Horseradish Sauce.” There’s also a Po’Boy, “traditional favorite served on a warm baguette with lettuce, pickles and Creamy Horseradish Sauce”, the Traveler, which is basically just the crawfish and sauce, and the Etouffee, “traditional Louisiana “one pot” dish features seasoned rice smothered with a rich sauce of crawfish, veggies and spices.” The Etouffee sounds interesting, but I wanted to taste the crawfish in its pure form.

Unfortunately, round one of my Popeyes Crawfish Festival experience was a little too pure. I got my crawfish, I got my biscuit, and I got my side, but I got no horseradish sauce. I was outraged. There’s nothing I hate more than going someplace specifically to pick up a food to review, only to find that I got the wrong product or something is missing. I wasn’t about to leave my house again to go all the way back, I mean, I’d already taken off my shoes, but I was determined to have the full crawfish/horseradish experience. Tomorrow I will have my revenge.

In the meantime, I can tell you about the crawfish. I ate crawfish! I am inappropriately proud of myself. Of course, it helps that I have no idea what crawfish is, and that it was heavily breaded and fried, making it look like little bitty fried shrimp. The batter was very tasty; it had a nice crunch and was satisfyingly deep-fried without being overly greasy. It’s obvious from the coloration that the batter was meant to have a little kick, and it delivered on the back end, leaving a little spice that was really tasty and didn’t overwhelm the palate.

As for the crawfish itself, I found the texture to be a little bit chewy, and the taste to be very mildly fishy. It tasted and felt to be a cross between a fish and a shrimp. Having never had one before, I have no idea if this is what a crawfish is actually supposed to taste like. I’m just reporting the facts, ma’am. I surprised myself with the ease in which I consumed the crustaceans. I thought I would find the firm but chewy texture off-putting, but it reminded me of fried shrimp. I also thought I might not like the fishy taste, but it was mild enough, and played so well with the cajun spices, that I found myself actually enjoying my own personal Crawfish Festival.

But I still wanted the sauce.

So I went back. I ordered the Tackle Box again, for the sake of consistency, but this time I actually asked for extra horseradish sauce, just to drive the point home that I wanted that goddamn sauce.

Victory! I immediately dipped the shit out of some crawfish. The new crawfish I got were a little more tender and less chewy, making them even better. The sauce is pretty good; it’s tangy and a little spicy, with a horseradish kick at the end that is tasty but doesn’t blow out your sinuses like horseradish paste can. I like that feeling sometimes, but I think they toned it down just enough to appeal to those who don’t. It also includes ingredients like paprika and powdered garlic, and has enough vinegar to pucker your lips.

After finally tasting the sauce, I could go either way on it. It’s a pretty tasty sauce, but it overwhelms the spice in the batter mixture, which was also pretty delicious. Despite my frustration at having to go back, I’m kind of glad I did, because I got to concentrate on the flavor of the crawfish the first time and examine what the horseradish sauce brought to the party the second time. I would recommend going halvsies if you get your own Tackle Box, just to experience both flavors.

Well, I ate crawfish, and I survived. Not only did I survive, I rather enjoyed my Crawfish Festival. The batter and the spice are just right, the flavor of the crustacean was mild but enjoyable, and while some of the pieces were more tender than others, I still liked them all. I’m glad I decided to stop being a sissy and partake in the Crawfish Festival. Another seafood I’ve never tried that I can check off my list. Now, I have no idea if Popeyes is fully representing the flavor of real, fresh crawfish, but if I ever get invited to an authentic crawdad boil, I won’t be afraid to try it out. As long as I don’t get to meet the little guys alive first and someone else shells them for me.

Popeyes Crawdad Festival only lasts until November 28th this year, so if you want to partake, you’d better get moving!

  • Score: 4 out of 5 unfortunate first impressions
  • Price: $4.99
  • Size: 1…Tackle Box with…about  20 crawfish?
  • Purchased at: Popeyes #5636
  • Nutritional Quirks: No nutritional information available on Popeyes’s website, so the crawdads could really be…anything.
Fast Food

Carl’s Jr. Philly Cheesesteak Burger

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I felt pretty guilty entering the driveway to my local Carl’s Jr. (or Carsl’s Jr., as it has affectionately come to be known) because kitty-corner to it, mere hundreds of feet away, sits my favorite mom ‘n’ pop sandwich shop, which serves the best cheesesteaks I’ve ever eaten. Given, I haven’t eaten a lot of cheesesteaks in my day, and I’m sure any Philly native would slap me across the face and start raving about Pat’s or Geno’s and how there certainly isn’t enough abuse from the staff when ordering, but all I know is that their cheesesteaks are delicious.

This is why I felt guilty as I drove past them in order to hit the Carl’s drive-thru to pick up their new Philly Cheesesteak Burger. I was eschewing my favorite, locally-owned sandwich shop in order to pick up some short-lived fast food gimmick. But that is my job, a job I don’t actually get paid for, so it had to be done.

The Philly Cheesesteak Burger is pretty self-explanatory. Carl’s Jr.’s website describes it as “Juicy steak, with sautéed green bell peppers and onions, and melted American and Swiss cheeses, all piled on top of a charbroiled beef patty and served between a seeded bun.” Using beef as a topping for beef, or really, a sandwich as a topping for a burger, should strike me as bizarre. But I’ve seen some things lately that have apparently dulled my sense of the absurd, because the Philly Cheesesteak Burger doesn’t really seem that insane. Probably unsatisfying, but not terrifying. So I wasn’t feeling very trepidatious as I grabbed my sandwichburger without incident, avoiding eye contact with the real cheesesteak place as I drove home.

The Philly Cheesesteak Burger looked pretty innocuous on the outside, and actually smelled rather tasty. I decided to open it up to see what was inside…

Oh, come on, it doesn’t look that bad, right? Let’s take a closer look!

Okay it does look that bad. But I’m no food photographer, and I’ll be honest with you, I love how disgusting those pictures look because the Philly Cheesesteak Burger was actually delicious! I know, I’m as surprised as you are. The steak was actually juicy; it was finely chopped and really tender. The peppers and onions were crunchy, which seems quite a feat to pull off, considering fast food restaurants are seemingly incapable of keeping anything from becoming a soggy mess. While the onions didn’t add much flavor, you can distinctly taste the bell peppers. The cheese is impossibly gooey and creamy.

This all reminds me of the cheesesteaks I get from that place that sits in the same parking lot. There, you can watch them make your sandwich, and it is a thing to behold: the steak, peppers, onions and cheese are all mixed together with a giant metal spatula on top of a sizzling flat griddle. Something about throwing them around and mushing them together on that griddle makes the cheese gooey and distributed throughout the sandwich in a wonderful way, and while I hate to compare them to Carl’s Jr., I think Carl sent out a spy to see how they did it, because the taste and technique are remarkably similar.

Is this how all cheesesteaks are made? Maybe so; once again, I don’t have a whole lot of experience with this type of sandwich. But the cheesesteak on top of my burger was like my mom ‘n’ pop sandwich’s sidekick: less experienced, not as polished, and with about a 30% reduction in quality. It’s not your first choice when you’re being mugged in a dark alley, but it’ll satisfy you in a pinch. And save you from the mugger? I don’t know, this analogy fell apart pretty fast.

Oh yeah, and there’s a burger in there somewhere, too. The cheesesteak kind of overwhelms it, which I am perfectly okay with, but you will taste that Carl’s charbroiled flavor at the very end. Personally, I could have done without the burger altogether, but at least it kept the bun from completely falling apart.

Carl’s Jr.’s Philly Cheesesteak Burger is delicious, which I really wasn’t expecting. Tender meat, crunchy veggies, and melty cheese all tie together in a way I didn’t think would be possible from a fast food restaurant. The burger is almost completely extraneous, but I guess Carl’s felt obligated to throw it in there, perhaps because burgers are kind of what they do, or because they felt a burger with a cheesesteak on top if it would be a proper novelty item in this exciting era of “who can make the strangest food?” Either way, I’m a fan, and I’ll keep ordering them as long as they stay on the menu.

  • Score: 4.5 out of 5 sandwiches on top of sandwiches
  • Price: $3.69
  • Size: One burger
  • Purchased at: Carl’s Jr. #828
  • Nutritional Quirks: 1,420 milligrams of sodium, but that’s hardly unusual these days.  Let’s go with vegetables that are actually crunchy, which is definitely a quirk for a fast food restaurant.
Fast Food

News: Hardee’s Country Fried Steak ‘N’ Gravy Biscuit – I Want It

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Curses!  This new Country Fried Steak ‘N’ Gravy Biscuit from Hardee’s looks like the culinary equivalent of a unicorn galloping across a rainbow.  Country fried steak + biscuits and gravy = Serious Awesome.  Unfortunately, I happen to live in a part of the country that thinks Carl’s Jr. when they see the Happy Star, not Hardee’s.  The closest Hardee’s to me is approximately 982 miles away and it would take 18 hours and 12 minutes to drive there.  Not that I considered doing such a thing.  That would be silly, right?

Their website describes the sandwich as “A seasoned, country fried steak with a generous portion of sausage gravy served between a Made From Scratch® buttermilk biscuit.”

My heart and stomach ache for it.

I’ll have to live vicariously through other people’s reviews for now.  Hopefully, if it sells well, they’ll bring it over to Carl’s Jr.’s menu.  If that ever happens, I’ll be on the Country Fried Steak ‘N’ Gravy Biscuit like sausage gravy on a country fried steak.  Aw, man.  Even my terrible analogies show I’ve got Hardee’s on the brain.

If you actually live in a state that has a Hardee’s, the sandwich retails for $2.19.  I urge you to try one out and let me know what you think!

Fast Food

Junk Food Freebie: Chick-fil-A Meal(?)

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Hooray, today is Cow Appreciation Day! Or Appresheeation. Whatever. The whole gimmick is retarded. But if you want to dress up like a cow, use terrible grammar, and get…something for free at Chick-fil-A, today is your day. Straight from the stupid cow’s mouth:

“It’s become a holiday for Chick-fil-A fans. Just come to any one of our 1,400+ restaurants today fully dressed like a cow (you know, to prove that you’re no chicken), and we’ll give you a FREE Chick-fil-A meal! And bring the kids, because calves get free meals too!”

Nowhere on their website could I actually find what the definition of a “meal” is. So I encourage you to wear your stupid cow costume down to your nearest Chick-fil-A and demand one of everything on the menu. You deserve it, because you’re dressed like a fucking cow. To get free chicken.

Oh, and I almost forgot: if you’re not creative enough to figure out how to make your own cow costume, Chick-fil-A has generously provided a starter kit for you here. How kind of them.