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Junk Food

Nerds Lucha Grande Lime vs Pineapple and Guava vs Mango Chile

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Welcome to my new site, Muncha Libre. Here, we discuss wrestling-related food and wrestling-related food ONLY.

…I’m being informed by my Google search that the name Muncha Libre appears to be taken by a line of luchador-themed cookie cutters, which are adorable. I guess it’s back to ol’ Junk Food Betty.

The inspiration for this sudden change in focus comes from these absolutely darling Nerds ¡Lucha Grande!, which have apparently been around since 2017. And, it seems, the Internet hasn’t quite caught up to them either. Not a lot of reviews out there.

And what a shame, because look at these beautiful boxes. I’ve never seen such a story unfold on a box of candy before. Stories, I should say. Two boxes, four new flavors, and four unique luchador Nerds. I love them all.

Lime vs. Pineapple

First we have Lima Intensa vs. Piña Furiosa. I love that the nature of the Nerds mascots makes them look like they all grabbed some socks from Nana’s winter drawer to use as masks, but at the same time, I want to appreciate the fact that whoever designed this box actually took the time to not only give the Nerds necks, but also imagined what a lucha mask would look like around them. Fantastic.

Lima’s sticking to a more generic all-green look, but I admire Piña for both the lightning bolt design and the yellow/green combo, really repping the colors of the pineapple. Why didn’t they call her Piña Eléctrica?

Piña may win the round for best lucha look, but I’ve gotta give it to Lima for the flavor. Purely a personal preference. Piña Furiosa is fine as a representative of pineapple candy. I just don’t like that flavor. Imagine the pineapple Lifesaver in the original fruit roll; these Nerds taste exactly like that. Come to think of it, I haven’t seen a roll of fruity Lifesavers in forever. Just imagine a straightforward pineapple candy.

Lime is the same way – think of your favorite lime-flavored candy and you’re 99% there. If you’re me, remember the good times when green Skittles were lime- and not green apple-flavored. Ah, yes, there we go.

Guava vs. Mango Chile

Our second match-up is between Guayaba Solitaria and El Mango Fuego. Obviously, this match is the main attraction. We’ve got two luchas with fire-themed masks, but they’ve taken it in different directions.

EMF gets points for sticking with flame-related colors, but look at the stitch work on Guayaba! So detailed! The combination of neon pink with green reminds me of an unreadable geocities website, but I can’t deny that it really makes the mask details pop. Those jagged eyebrows! You might not be solitaria forever, Guayaba. You’ve pinned my heart.

Guava is a slightly more exotic flavor than lime or pineapple, but again, the Nerds taste is pretty straightforward. I could go into some flowery language about it, but it tastes like guava candy. Bright and tropical.

Call me crazy, but I’m guessing that any interest in this candy lies mostly in Mango Chile. (And the luchadors, of course.) The mango flavor is front-and-center, again being exactly as advertised. The chile part was pretty subtle for spicy candy – you’re not enduring an Atomic Fireball Challenge.

There’s also no distinct flavor to the spice; it’s not cinnamon or even what I’d call “chile”, just a bit of a heat zing as an aftertaste. Hot candy isn’t really for me, but I think it’s a fun addition that doesn’t overwhelm the mango flavor.

Willy Wonka’s ¡Lucha Grande! Nerds are part of a larger line of Wonka candy inspired by “Spanish candy store” flavors. There’s Guava and Pineapple Laffy Taffy, Pineapple, Mango Lime, and Cucumber Watermelon Pixy Stix, and those last two also show up as Fun Dip flavors with Lime- and Tamarind-flavored dipping sticks. Neat!

Except apparently this strategy didn’t go so great, since the press release points towards a now defunct website where you could see the ¡Lucha Grande! Nerds in comic strips that I now desperately want to find and make fun of.

That’s right, between the time I acquired these Nerds and the time I reviewed them, the entire ad campaign for this line of candies went extinct. Listen, the candy was a little expired when I reviewed it, but not that expired. Have a little faith, Wonka! Give these flavors another chance!

As for our little leftist corner (real name tbd, possibly never), you don’t have to go far on this one. Willy Wonka is owned by Nestle, a company that steals water. I won’t even link you to a specific article; just look for yourself.

Nerds ¡Lucha Grande! Lime vs Pineapple and Guava vs Mango Chile

  • Score: 4 out of 5 adorable little luchador masks for everyone!
  • Price: $0.79-1.19 MSRP
  • Size: 1.65 oz. box
  • Purchased at: Ask my mom
  • Nutritional Quirk: lol look at this picture and tell me this is how many Nerds you eat in a sitting
Junk Food

Pumpkin Spice Latte Milk Chocolate M&Ms

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Pumpkin Spice Latte Milk Chocolate M&Ms PackageIf you’ve girded your loins for an avalanche of pumpkin spice reviews here on Junk Food Betty, prepare to ungird. I just can’t deal with the sheer amount of pumpkin spice that is out there on store shelves and in fast food restaurants.

That said, between the time I purchased these M&Ms and me actually getting around to writing this, I’ve already bought two more pumpkin-flavored items to review. Fuck me.

If that makes it sound like a lot of time has passed between purchase and review, it hasn’t really. It’s just that I have to buy pumpkin spice-flavored items or I will starve to death. And, admittedly, a little time has passed.

Why? Because these M&Ms are such a snooze-fest to me. The only reason I got them at all is because M&Ms got clever and tacked “Latte” on to the end of the flavor name. “Pumpkin Spice? Fuck ’em. Pumpkin Spice Latte? Well in that case…”

I don’t pay a lot of attention to M&Ms, but am I the only one who didn’t notice they added a second sexy female M&M? When did that happen? Last I knew, there was only one female M&M, Green, and she always creeped me out.

I just did some research, and apparently she was added in 2012. And is called Ms. Brown. And is voiced by Vanessa Williams. I’d like to thank my DVR for allowing me to skip over commercials and never notice she existed, until now. Damn you, Pumpkin Spice Latte M&Ms! Now I’m aware that there’s more than one creepy lady M&M out there.

Ms. Brown does look appropriately comfy in her scarf, though. And don’t think I missed that hipster-barista pumpkin design in the latte foam, either. I will give M&Ms props for that little touch.

Pumpkin Spice Latte Milk Chocolate M&Ms

As you can see, the candies are appropriately orange, dark brown and cream colored. As you can also see, I had a little fun. This is obviously an iced latte because there’s a straw.

Pumpkin Spice Latte Milk Chocolate M&Ms Inside

The candies are larger and fatter than regular milk chocolate M&Ms. They’re closer in shape and size to Peanut Butter M&Ms, I think.

I never tried Pumpkin Spice M&Ms, but I can tell you one thing – Pumpkin Spice Latte M&Ms nailed it. At first, all I got was chocolate, but then that familiar taste of pumpkin spice invaded. It didn’t come on too strong though, just a light cinnamon and pumpkin flavor that really went great with the chocolate.

Just when I thought I’d gotten all I was going to get out of it, the aftertaste left me with the distinct impression of a latte. Like a real latte, it was heavy on the cream and sugar and light on the coffee, but that taste was definitely there.

While I spent the first part of this review shitting all over pumpkin spice products, I now have to come to you and say that Pumpkin Spice Latte is the best M&Ms flavor I’ve had in a long time, and possibly my favorite holiday M&M flavor of all time. Whaaaat? I know it’s crazy, but the pumpkin spice was subtle and warm instead of pungent and cloying, it worked great with the milk chocolate, and they even managed to hit that latte flavor. It was a little faint, but it was a tall order for M&Ms and they completely pulled it off.

Now I want M&Ms to come out with a whole line of coffee-flavored candies. I also have a stomachache due to eating more M&Ms than I should have.

Pumpkin Spice Latte Milk Chocolate M&Ms

  • Score: 4.5 out of 5 creepy female M&Ms
  • Price: $3.19
  • Size: 9.9 oz. bag
  • Purchased at: Target
  • Nutritional Quirk: No surprises (like M&Ms using actual pumpkin) here, just the dark magic of natural and artificial flavoring.
Junk Food

Skittles Orchards

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Skittles Orchards BagI’m taking liberties in calling Skittles Orchards “new”, but they’re still the newest Skittles, so I’m okay with that. I was actually aware of (and excited for) these when they came out, but then something distracted me, probably something important like a slow-motion video of a dog failing at catching food, and time got away from me.

But now here we are! Not only with a bag of Skittles Orchards, but with a Very Important Topic that I’ve been wanting to discuss for a long time.

Lime Skittles.

If you’ve read this site for any amount of time, I’m sure you can smell a rant coming, and your cybernose would be correct. Shit’s about to get real.

You see, in early 2013 and with understandably no fanfare, Lime was ousted in favor of Green Apple in every bag of Original Skittles. No big deal, right? WRONG. YOU ARE SO WRONG. And if you don’t believe me, look at the over 200 (and still rising) comments posted on Candy Blog’s coverage of the change.

I’m going to take a controversial stance here: green apple sucks. Lime is awesome. And this replacement isn’t isolated to Skittles; it seems like green apple is the go-to for green candy and lime has just been thrown aside like common trash. Lime is the Jon Snow of candy flavors, and, much like that Watcher’s fate, everyone knows it’s totally unfair. Unfortunately, unlike Jon Snow, I don’t see redemption in Lime’s storyline. Spoiler?

Skittles did throw Lime a bone, however – in what can in no way be a coincidence, Darkside Skittles came out at almost the exact same time Lime disappeared, and Darkside includes the mysteriously-monikered Midnight Lime. Which is exactly like regular Lime, except you can no longer mash it together with it’s friend Lemon unless you buy a bag of Original to do so.

So, yeah. You could say I have strong feelings about Lime Skittles.

What does any of this have to do with Skittles Orchards, you ask? While I would feel perfectly justified in saying “Nothing at all, I just needed to get that off my chest,” Skittles Orchard also includes Lime! Spoilers?

Skittles Orchards Flavors

I’m happy to report that all the fruit flavors represented in Orchards do, indeed, actually grow in orchards. I know this sounds like a simple point to get right, but you never know when it comes to snack foods.

If you grew up in SoCal, like I did, you automatically know that oranges grow in orchards because your grandparents loved to point out exactly which part of your home city used to be one. At length.

If you married someone from the East Coast, like I did, you know red apples grow in orchards because you get to hear about family outings to go pick apples. At length.

If you majored in English in college, like I did, you know that cherries grow in orchards because you had to read The Cherry Orchard by Anton Chekhov and then write about it. At length.

If you live in Georgia…well, I’ve never lived in Georgia, but I’m sure anyone who does is intimately familiar with their orchards.

As for lime, well, I drew conclusions based on my citrusy upbringing. I’m actually convinced that Lime was included in Orchards solely due to the outcry of Skittles lovers everywhere who were just outraged about the Green Apple change. I also assume they purposefully dodged that bullet again by making the Apple flavor Red.

Skittles Orchards

Lime: It seemed like Orchards Lime was a little darker-colored than Original Lime, but that old flavor was definitely there. Juicy and a little tart. I missed you, Lime!

Red Apple: I was looking forward to this, as it’s an interesting new flavor to include, albeit a perfect fit for Orchards. I’m pleased to report that Red Apple has almost nothing in common with its Green Apple kin. It was not at all candy-like, like Green, and had an earthy apple flavor that was actually a little bitter and not very sweet. It’s a strange flavor for a candy, but it’s definitely unique.

Orange: I feel like this was a more aggressive orange flavor than the one in Original, but I’m pretty positive my mind was just playing tricks on me. I mean, c’mon, it’s Orange.

Cherry: Unlike what the back of the bag would leave you to believe, Cherry and Red Apple were remarkably similar in color. Unless you’re eating your Skittles in good lighting, chances are you’re going to get them confused. Sorry, moviegoers. Minus the surprise of getting Red Apple in with your Cherry, there was nothing new here. Bright, juicy cherry flavor, mercifully with only a hint of that cough medicine taste I hate so much.

Peach: I’ve never been a fan of peach-flavored candy, and Skittles did nothing to change my mind here. That said, in the name of objectivity, the peach flavor was bold and juicy, so if you’re a fan of peach candy, Peach Orchards will do you just fine.

Skittles Orchards is a perfectly fine bag of candy, but there’s not much new under the sun here. Orange was obviously straight out of the Original vat. Lime is lime, which, yay, but that’s already present in Darkside’s Midnight Lime. It’s been a while since I’ve had a bag of Wild Berry Skittles, but I’m pretty sure Cherry is just Wild Cherry from there.

I was going to say that Peach is already in Skittles Desserts, but a quick search tells me that I’m wrong. So, okay, two out of the five flavors are unique. Given the glut of candies out there, that’s not too bad.

Even though I don’t like peach flavoring, Peach really popped. Anyone who likes that flavor will like this Skittle. As for Red Apple, I have mixed feelings. It’s a very unique flavor, but I’m not sure it belongs in a bag of Skittles. I just don’t think it’s sweet enough for most candy lovers and feels out of place, even though it’s thematically correct. Plus, why so close in color to Cherry?

I’m always happy to see a new Skittles flavor hit the shelves, so I really don’t have too many gripes against Skittles Orchards. It’s a cute idea and it has Lime in it, and I feel like Peach is a flavor that should already exist in Skittles form. That said, Red Apple is a misstep and the other flavors are recycled, so I think I’ll stick with my Darksides.

Skittles Orchards

  • Score: 3 out of 5 LIME LIME LIME LIME
  • Price: $2.49
  • Size: 14 oz. bag
  • Purchased at: Target
  • Nutritional Quirk: Lime.
Junk Food

Twizzlers PULL ‘n’ PEEL cherry green apple lemonade

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Twizzlers PULL 'n' PEEL cherry green apple lemonade PackageHey Twizzlers, what’s…what’s going on, here? You obviously have a Christmas candy out. I can see it. We can all see it. It’s right above these words, in all its red, green and white glory. There are even snowflakes on the package.

And yet, what are you calling it? Twizzlers PULL ‘n’ PEEL cherry green apple lemonade. There are many things wrong with this name, starting with going from all caps to no caps and ending with the fact that Twizzlers is patently refusing to acknowledge that this is Christmasy or even holiday-y in any way. You’ve already got stripes going – make candy cane shapes! Make wreaths! Cherry rhymes with merry, for fuck’s sake!

Now that I’ve gotten this glaring oversight out of the way, I just realized I haven’t had Twizzlers in ages. I’m pretty sure the last time I ate a Twizzler, it was after I’d used it as a straw to drink some Dr. Pepper. This was before the time when Twizzlers could be pulled and peeled, or filled with sour goop. A simpler time, when a Twizzler was just a Twizzler.

Twizzlers PULL 'n' PEEL cherry green apple lemonade

Not that I object to the pulling and peeling of Twizzlers. I think the constant presence of string cheese in a household of no children is a testament to that. There’s something satisfying about pulling apart long strings of….whatever, and bonus points if it’s candy.

Twizzlers PULL 'n' PEEL cherry green apple lemonade Strands

Each rope of Twizzler PULL ‘n’ PEEL boasts nine separate strands of Twizz. On this one, cherry won the game of tic-tac-toe.

The flavors themselves are unspectacular. Together, it’s mostly a gummy, waxy candy. Separately, the strands go as follows. Cherry: a nice, artificial cherry taste, without any of that medicine flavor. Green apple: strangely flavorless, tasting mostly of plastic. Lemonade: a little sour with a hint of lemon.

But the flavors aren’t the real appeal here. The real fun is pulling apart the strands. This can prove somewhat difficult to do, as Twizzlers are sticky by nature and the strands are very compact. Green apple and lemonade pull apart with little effort, but cherry is strangely thinner than the rest, resulting in a lot of tearing.

Twizzlers PULL 'n' PEEL cherry green apple lemonade Candy Cane

Since Twizzlers seemed unwilling to admit their Christmas affiliation through both packaging and candy design, I took it upon myself to do so. Look at how gosh-darn festive that candy cane is. It would never fly as a tree decoration, as the only way I could get the shape to stay was to affix it firmly to the plate, but it made me happy nonetheless.

After pulling and peeling the candy, I was left with a bunch of Christmasy strands, which is how I wound up spending a night playing arts & crafts with Twizzlers.

Twizzlers PULL 'n' PEEL cherry green apple lemonade Wreath

I can’t say I’m not proud. Not only was it fun, but it also really put me in the Christmas spirit, which usually takes an act of Charlie Brown or Garfield to accomplish. And that’s when I read the back of the package:

Twizzlers PULL 'n' PEEL cherry green apple lemonade Package Back

I was wrong about you all along, Twizzlers. It’s not that you didn’t have Christmas in your heart. It’s that you wanted me to find the Christmas spirit in my heart. In a world of gizmos and gadgets, Twizzlers proudly proclaims “assembly not included” and encourages you to get creative and play with your food.

Well played, Twizzlers. Well played. I’d craft a Twizzlers heart for you, but that wreath already took more time than I’d care to admit.

Twizzlers PULL ‘n’ PEEL cherry green apple lemonade

  • Score: 4 out of 5 Grinch hearts growing
  • Price: $1.00
  • Size: 4.2 oz.
  • Purchased at: Target
  • Nutritional Quirk: Tastes like plastic, but feels like fun.
Beverages, Junk Food

Fearsome Foursome: Snak King Fright Bites Tortilla Chips, Jones Limited Edition Blood Orange Soda, Hershey’s Candy Corn Bar, Seattle Chocolates Dead Sea Salt Milk Chocolate Truffle Bar with Sea Salt and Toffee

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Snak King Fright Bites Tortilla Chips Bag Jones Blood Orange Soda Hershey's Candy Corn Bar Seattle Chocolates Dead Sea Salt BarHappy Halloween, everybody! I mentioned this before, but I didn’t get to review nearly the amount of stuff I wanted to review this month. And now, here we are, on the holiday itself. So get ready for a MEGA REVIEW.

Well, it’s not really mega, but I’m going to do short reviews of four different Halloween items. OooOOOOooo procrastination.

Snak King Fright Bites Tortilla Chips

Snak King Fright Bites Tortilla Chips Bag

I was so pleasantly surprised when I saw these at the store. Like I said in my Cheetos review, savory snacks just don’t get the spooky treatment like candy does, so this item deserves a shout-out. Way to go, Snak King. You are such a leader that you add “King of Snacks” underneath your logo, just in case people weren’t clear on that.

The bag itself is wonderfully spooky, with a strange, flat-topped vampire child, a ghost who appears very surprised or even scared by said vampire’s hair, a freaked-out tree, a happy Jack O’Lantern and a tombstone. Love it.

Snak King Fright Bites Tortilla Chips

And look at those goddamn chips. I expected to have a hard time finding properly shaped/intact examples, but a large amount of them were in this pristine condition. Not even a regular bag of Tostitos can accomplish that easily.

Of course, the color doesn’t effect the taste at all, and they’re actually decent as a tortilla chip. I expected the quality of the chip itself to suffer, but they were well-salted and on par with any other name-brand tortilla chip.

The only quibble I have is that they’re a little too lightweight to do any heavy lifting, like a salsa or guacamole. They worked well with cheese dip, with little eye hole leakage.

But who cares about that when you’ve got tortilla chips shaped like ghosts, pumpkins and bats, and all appropriately colored? If you’re not putting Fright Bites out at your Halloween party, you are clinically insane.

Jones Limited Edition Blood Orange Soda

Jones Limited Edition Blood Orange Soda Can

Apparently Jones released this can design and flavor last year also, but I missed it, so here we are. There were four available flavors and cans last year, but this year they only went with two – this and the zombie-themed Caramel Apple, which they were out of when I went to the store. This is probably for the best.

Count Vlah manages to look mildly scary but also comical at the same time, going with a bow tie instead of the traditional wrap around…thing fastened by an amulet. I just realized I have no idea what the hell that thing is called, if it even has a name. Maybe we should call this guy Professor Vlah instead.

Jones Limited Edition Blood Orange Soda

When I started pouring the soda into the glass, I almost had a spastic freakout because the soda looked pink. I could already imagine the thousand-word essay I would spew onto this page about how dare Jones make a Blood Orange soda pink and blah blah vlah. Fortunately for both myself and you, the end result was actually the appropriate shade of bright orange.

Jones Limited Edition Blood Orange Soda tastes like if orange Fanta grew up and moved out of its parents’ house. It’s mostly a regular orange soda, but the addition of real sugar that Jones always uses makes it much more clean and…mature, if you could possibly use such an adjective for orange soda. It also seemed a little more tart than other orange sodas.

I know a lot of people aren’t fans of orange soda, and Jones Blood Orange probably isn’t going to change your mind on that. But if you are a fan of the beverage, you’ll enjoy this iteration. Plus, you get to drink out of a vampire’s head.

Hershey’s Candy Corn Bar

Hershey's Candy Corn Bar Wrapper

This is a new item this Halloween, but just the idea of it didn’t thrill me. Oh boy, more candy corn in stuff that isn’t candy corn, which in itself already sucks!

I was also not thrilled by this packaging. It’s like Hershey’s either didn’t try at all, or tried too hard to look minimal and retro. If the latter is true, no kid is going to appreciate the effort. You’d score 1,000 more points by just throwing a zombie candy corn on the package. Instead, we get…stripes.

I guess the official name of this is Hershey’s Candy Corn Candy Corn Creme with Candy Bits. While that’s redundant, it did actually shatter my misconception that this was going to be white chocolate with candy corn bits. This only increased my trepidation.

Hershey's Candy Corn Bar

I gotta say, however, that the flavor really did surprise me. It took me a second to pin it down, because it wasn’t the generic, plastic candy corn taste I was expecting. It turns out that Hershey’s Candy Corn bar tastes a hell of a lot like cotton candy!

I have to assume this was a happy accident. I mean, I would have been a hell of a lot more stoked to see Hershey’s Cotton Candy, but that’s exactly what Hershey’s Candy Corn is.

It made my mouth confused, then happy, but then kind of sad again, because holy shit is this candy sweet. I ate one snack-sized bar and I felt overloaded with cloying sweetness. Also, while you can see the decorative little orange and yellow bits in the bar, they add nothing to the taste or texture. It would have been fun to have little crunchy bits in there.

So I wasn’t completely disgusted by Hershey’s Candy Corn bar, but that’s only because it tasted nothing like candy corn. If I got this in my trick-or-treat bucket, I’d probably toss it to the side, never to be seen again, and I’d never know that it tasted like cotton candy and ten pounds of sugar. Missed opportunity, Hershey’s.

Seattle Chocolates Dead Sea Salt Milk Chocolate Truffle Bar with Sea Salt and Toffee

Seattle Chocolates Dead Sea Salt Milk Chocolate Truffle Bar with Sea Salt and Toffee Wrapper

After eating Hershey’s, this sure does sound like some fancypants shit, doesn’t it! Truffles and sea salt and toffee, oh my!

I don’t usually go for these fancy chocolate bars, mostly because I’m not a chocolate fanatic, and also because I usually have enough sweets laying around from reviews to satiate any cravings I may have. But this guy was just too good to pass up.

Despite the muted color scheme, the eye is immediately drawn to this chocolate bar’s wrapper. It’s called Dead Sea Salt, and there’s a dancing skeleton on it! There’s also a cat, and like, fifteen different spooky fonts with random Halloweeny words like “bloodcurdling” and “fangs”. It almost looks like a geocities website, but somehow, the clutter totally works.

Seattle Chocolates Dead Sea Salt Milk Chocolate Truffle Bar with Sea Salt and Toffee

…Suffice to say that all the effort went into the packaging.

Seattle Chocolates Dead Sea Salt Milk Chocolate Truffle Bar with Sea Salt and Toffee Inside

No matter though, because that’s what made me buy the bar, so I guess it’s working! As for the taste itself, Seattle Chocolates brings the quality. The chocolate is rich, smooth and creamy, and there are crunchy toffee bits throughout that add great flavor and texture. The hint of salt is there just to add some flavor depth and a nice aftertaste.

That last sentence was me completely talking out of my ass. I don’t understand anything about fancy chocolates. I don’t even know where the “truffle” part came in. I just know that chocolate good, toffee good. Good bar. Good wrapper. Fangs.

Phew! While I wish I’d been able to spread this out over the month, I gotta say, marathoning it all out on Halloween day certainly got me in the spirit! Have a happy Halloween, boils and ghouls!

Junk Food

Starburst Fruit Flavored Candy Corn

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Starburst Fruit Flavored Candy Corn BagThis website isn’t a Lisa Frank diary where I talk about my personal life and how Bobby put a worm in my hair at recess today, but I feel I owe my dear readers an explanation as to why JFB has been even more sparsely updated than usual, especially since it’s my favorite time of year, when I at least try to cram as much Halloween goodness as I can on here.

Thing is, I’ve had two brain surgeries over the span of two weeks this month. Don’t worry, I’m not dying, nor did they remove the part of my brain that thinks awful puns are funny – much to the regret of all of you, I’m sure.

But I couldn’t help the timing, and it kinda wiped me out, resulting in a mostly Halloween-free October. Trust me, nobody’s face is more 🙁 than mine about this. Then again, my surgeries went really well and I could not be more 🙂 about them. Emoticons!

Plus, half my head is shaved and I have some gnarly-ass stitches, so I’ve pretty much got a built-in Halloween costume. Suck it, Bride of Frankenstein!

With all that business out of the way, let’s get to some candy.

Starburst Fruit Flavored Candy Corn. Because, as you may have noticed, I just can’t get enough candy corn.

Super unimpressed with the packaging. There’s nothing Halloweeeny about it. Couldn’t throw a bat or a witch onto the purple background? Maybe turned the traditional Starburst font into dripping blood? If it weren’t for the fact that it’s candy corn, this could easily look like a year-round product.

Starburst Fruit Flavored Candy Corn

These corns are based on the original Starburst flavors: cherry, lemon, strawberry, and orange. I probably didn’t have to clarify that, but I figured I’d be thorough. Throwing a bone to my colorblind readers.

My feelings about the Starburst candy corns themselves were the exact opposite of what I felt about the packaging. Bless the dark magic in your heart, Starburst: you made a candy corn with the exact texture of candy corn, but zero candy corn flavor.

So what do these candy corns taste like, if not candy corn? Well, they tasted exactly like Starburst! It was like having a bag of Starburst candies that, instead of being chewy, were easily masticated and dissolved into a giant burst of sugary fruit candy.

Regular Starburst candies take a little time to get through due to their texture, but I found I could easily get into Halloween stomachache mode eating handfuls of these.

The easiest way to put it is that if you like Starburst, you’ll like Starburst Fruit Flavored Candy Corns. And I like Starburst.

I really can’t think of anything bad to say about these candy corns, but for the sake of playing devil’s advocate, I guess some people might bitch about the fact that they’re called candy corns but taste nothing like candy corns. Obviously, I see this as a plus. But if you’re some sort of candy corn-loving weirdo, well, spider crawl your way back to Brach’s.

Heck, maybe they’re onto something with the generic packaging after all. I could definitely eat these year-round. For the sake of my teeth and my stomach, I guess I’m glad these are a holiday treat.

Or I could go back and buy 12 more bags.

Starburst Fruit Flavored Candy Corn

  • Score: 4.5 out of 5 “you missed a perfect score on a technicality since haters gonna quibble that you ain’t really candy corns”
  • Price: $2.69
  • Size: 20 oz. bag
  • Purchased at: Target
  • Nutritional Quirks: Candy corn: 0. Starburst: 100%!
Junk Food

Brach’s S’mores Candy Corn

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Brach's S'mores Candy Corn BagFor reasons unbeknownst to me, new Halloween items started showing up unusually early this year. For example, The Impulsive Buy reviewed Brach’s S’mores Candy Corn back in August.

Now, don’t get me wrong, if there’s any holiday I like to stretch out, it’s Halloween. I’d rather see witches and ghouls in August than Santas and ornaments in October. Which, sadly, is a thing I do see.

Amazingly, this is my first Halloween review. Normally, I’d call this absolutely unacceptable, but I’ve been a little busy with personal life stuff. I guess the best way to kick things off is with candy corn, the most iconic of all Halloween treats.

Except for the fact that candy corn sucks, and this is S’mores-flavored candy corn.

If you’re going to buy a bag of candy corn, dare I say it’s probably going to be Brach’s. You’ve already established yourself as the go-to candy corn; there’s no need to branch out. Brach out? No.

But stop they have not, and so we have these. I guess it could have been worse; at least S’mores are a treat generally associated with the autumn season.

In case you had a sad childhood, let me quickly explain what S’mores are: fire-roasted or otherwise heated marshmallows and pieces of a chocolate candy bar sandwiched between two pieces of graham crackers. If you do it right, the marshmallow melts the chocolate, leaving you with a messy, delicious, sugar-filled treat.

As you can see, Brach’s went all-out with the packaging. A few autumn leaves and a picture of a S’mores sandwich. Boo. I say that both with Halloween sarcasm and as a reprimand to Brach’s for not trying harder.

Brach's S'mores Candy Corn
ooooOOOOoooo, spooky penta- yeah nevermind

Well, at least they tied the colors together as best they could – brown base for chocolate, white middle for marshmallow, and an orange tip which kinda-sorta represents the color of graham crackers.

Unfortunately, the brown coloring bleeds onto the white, resulting, oddly, in a pink hue. Perhaps that’s meant to represent the Pepto Bismol you’ll be drinking after eating too many actual S’mores.

So how does this candy corn stack up to tasting like an actual S’mores? (Is the singular of S’mores “S’more”? I don’t really care enough to look it up.)

The answer, both simply and accurately, is no. The base does taste like very artificial chocolate, but the similarities end there. The rest tastes like a candy corn. If I close my eyes and imagine real hard, I feel like I can taste a little graham cracker flavoring, but that might just be wishful thinking, like hoping to score that full-sized candy bar when you go out trick-or-treating.

What these candy corns really taste like are Indian Corn, which is found in Brach’s Autumn Mix.

It took me quite a while to even find a good example of these, because I have thought since I was a kid that these were called Witch’s Teeth. Google basically slapped me in the face and told me I was making up words. My childhood was a lie.

Mind-blowing revelations aside, Brach’s S’mores Candy Corn is basically Brach’s Indian Corn with the tip and middle colors reversed and a ghostly wisp of graham cracker flavor. Given, I think Tootsie Roll-ish candy corn is better than regular candy corn, but it’s not exactly a tremendous upgrade, and the fact of the matter is that they still taste very little like S’mores.

I guess I’ll give points to Brach’s for trying to put a new spin on an old classic, but now I’m taking away those points for basically re-branding their already-existing Indian Corn.

You know what, fuck you Internet, they’re Witch’s Teeth. I don’t care what you say.

Brach’s S’mores Candy Corn

  • Score: 1.5 out of 5 – you guessed it – Witch’s Teeth
  • Price: $2.69
  • Size: 19 oz bag
  • Purchased at: Target
  • Nutritional Quirks: Contains no corn.
Junk Food

M&Ms White Chocolate Carrot Cake

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M&Ms White Chocolate Carrot Cake BagM&Ms seems to have a thing going with white chocolate holiday-themed flavors. First it was Candy Corn. Then Peppermint. And just in time for Easter, we now have Carrot Cake.

For being such a well-known and widely available candy, M&Ms did not make finding White Chocolate Carrot Cake easy. First off, it’s a Walmart exclusive. Not an uncommon phenomenon, but one I always find displeasing, because…Walmart.

Second, not only is it a Walmart exclusive, it’s only available at select Walmarts. I didn’t know this until some sort of snack sense told me I should try to look up available locations before I left my house. I’m glad I did, since Walmart has a whole website devoted to finding a select store that carries them.

My closest Walmart was not on this list, which is why I’m so glad I looked, because going to Walmart is one thing, but going to Walmart and not finding the one thing I’m looking for just makes me want to murder every person in the store. Lucky for me, the next closest Walmart actually did have them. This is a lot of effort for goddamn M&Ms.

I consider the effort worth it, however. Easter is a holiday made for candy, but most of that candy comes in the form of chocolate bunnies, and regular candies packaged in plastic Easter eggs or pastel packaging.

That said, I give M&Ms credit right off the bat for actually thinking up an Easter flavored candy. I mean, eggs already taste like eggs, the church kind of has a stranglehold on things that taste like Jesus, and I don’t think making something rabbit-flavored would go over very well. Biting the ears off a bunny that’s made of chocolate is satisfying; actually chomping on a bunny-tasting bunny-shaped candy would make me uncomfortable and probably not go over well with the kids.

Given all that, I think M&Ms coming up with carrot cake is brilliant. Will the execution compete with the concept? We shall see in a moment.

First, I have to bitch and moan some more. Surprise! This time, it’s about the packaging. For the most part, the bag is simple and effective – it’s carrot cake. Here’s a slice of carrot cake.

That’s all well and good, but I am so not a fan of anthropomorphic Green M&M. Red and Yellow are dumb, but whatever. When they introduced Green as the “sexy” M&M, however, I was yucked out. Maybe it’s because I’ve been on the Internet for too long, but I am not fond of sexualizing any inanimate object.

The whole Green M&M schtick is annoying, and that is showcased here, with “her” wearing bunny ears and posed like Leonardo DiCaprio is about to draw her portrait. Plus, she totally has bedroom eyes, which is a sentence I feel dirty just typing. Ugh, take it away, I don’t want to look at it anymore. I’d rather see Red dressed up as a Playboy bunny looking bored or pissed off.

M&Ms White Chocolate Carrot Cake

Okay, here we are, with the actual candies. They’re about the same diameter as regular M&Ms, but have a bit more girth. I like the color scheme – the orange is obviously the brightest, representing, duh, the carrot. The green is more of an Easter pastel, but you can’t have a carrot-themed…whatever without some green representing the carrot stem.

The off-white is an interesting choice, but one that I approve of. It’s unrelated to the vegetable, but pertinent to carrot cake itself – part of the deliciousness of carrot cake is the cream cheese icing, which is pretty close to the color of these M&Ms. It’s an attention to detail that I appreciate.

I have to say, I was prepared to be disappointed by M&Ms White Chocolate Carrot Cake. I felt the candy had lofty goals that it wouldn’t be able to reach. Upon opening the bag, however, I was met with a strong and very pleasant cinnamon-and-nutmeg odor along with sugary sweetness. It was surprisingly reminiscent of real carrot cake.

M&Ms White Chocolate Carrot Cake Inside

As it turned out, my olfactory sense did not betray me – these M&Ms are about as close to tasting like actual carrot cake as a candy can get. Again, you’ve got that great blend of cinnamon and nutmeg that is prominent but not overwhelming. The use of white chocolate was an excellent choice – it let the spice flavors shine, while adding just the right amount of sweetness and acting as a cream cheese substitute.

In fact, there might even be a little cream cheese flavor magic going on here – while it’s easy to identify the above spices, there seems to be a little extra something that pushes it beyond just spice territory into an actual, cohesive carrot cake candy. The ingredient list doesn’t offer me any help: it’s mostly white chocolate and the regular sugar and food coloring flavors, along with the always-mysterious “natural and artificial flavors”.

Like I said, I had serious doubts about M&Ms White Chocolate Carrot Cake being able to deliver on their promised flavor. I’m happy to say I was wrong. Those crazy candy wizards over at Mars pulled it off. I love carrot cake, and I found myself continuing to shovel these guys into my mouth until I had to force myself to stop before I made myself sugar sick.

If you don’t like carrot cake, you’re not going to like these M&Ms, but that’s just another point showing how well they showcased the flavors. I’m sorry I got around to this review so late, but hey – you can probably run out and get some right now, or wait until Monday, when they’ll probably already be on clearance.

My biggest beef, besides my hatred of Green M&M, is how Walmart is only selling them in select stores. That makes no sense to me and is really annoying. But if you like carrot cake and would like to try a unique Easter treat, use the locator tool I linked above to see if there’s a Walmart within 500 miles of you that has been mysteriously chosen to be one of the select stores that carry them. Happy Easter! Or “Hoppy Easter”, if you like old, tired puns!

M&Ms White Chocolate Carrot Cake

  • Score: 4.5 out of 5 kicks to Green M&M’s stupid bedroom face
  • Price: $2.88
  • Size:9.9 oz. bag
  • Purchased at: Walmart
  • Nutritional Quirks: Damn you, “natural and artificial flavors”! I want to know what you use to make magical carrot cake candy! (On second thought, maybe I don’t…)

The Impulsive Buy also reviewed these White Chocolate Carrot Cake M&Ms!

Junk Food

Darkside Skittles

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Darkside Skittles BagDarkside Skittles. Where to begin?

First of all, this is the most entertaining junk food packaging/concept I’ve seen in a long time. “The Other Side of the Rainbow”. What does that mean? I’ve never seen the other side of a rainbow, apparently. Or have I? Which side is the “other” side? I should really consult a leprechaun.

I’m pretty sure this is the “darkest”, for lack of a better word, candy concept I’ve ever seen, tie-ins to things like Disney villains notwithstanding. The dark blue packaging. The confusing yet ominous tagline. Even the flavors themselves, which I’ll get to in a moment.

There’s very little information about Darkside Skittles on the Internet, which I’m almost glad for, because it means that I can make up what kind of marketing Skittles was aiming for. I think I’ve actually figured it out, and it’s brilliant.

Darkside Skittles are the first ever commercial anti-Valentine’s Day candy.

Darkside Skittles Bag Broken Heart

I mean, just look at this heart, right on the package. It’s got an arrow through it, and the heart is broken.

The concept of Darkside Skittles is dark. The packaging is dark. The flavors are dark.

This is a candy meant for people who hate Valentine’s Day.

We all know someone who hates Valentine’s Day. Maybe they’re single; maybe they’ve had a nasty divorce or have had a string of bad relationships. Maybe they like to spout the usual rhetoric of Valentine’s Day being a holiday designed by Hallmark and Big Flowers and Candy. Maybe it’s you. Any way you slice it, there’s a large population of anti-V-Day people out there.

And Darkside Skittles are for them.

Or vampires. I can’t decide.

Darkside Skittles Bag Flavors

Let’s take a look at these flavors, which range from theme-appropriate to somewhat confusing to “what does that even mean?”

Darkside Skittles

Dark Berry: I’d file this one under “somewhat confusing”. There are many berries out there that are dark. Which one are you, Dark Berry? Are you blackberry? Blueberry? Boysenberry? Going with blackberry would have been perfect for the theme of these candies. Opportunity missed.

As it is, Dark Berry Skittles closely resemble “Berry Punch” from Wild Berry Skittles. I haven’t had Wild Berry Skittles in a while, but going from memory, they also seemed to be much alike in flavor. I wouldn’t be surprised if Skittles just poached them wholesale.

Dark Berry Skittles were true to their moniker, in that they were definitely berry-flavored but they don’t have a specific berry taste. It was kind of just…berry. Not unusual for a candy, but once I zoned on on the blackberry, it just made me more disappointed, even though I enjoyed the flavor.

Pomegranate: Well, at least this one has a straightforward name. Pomegranate has enjoyed some fad popularity of late, but it seems like an appropriate flavor for Darkside Skittles, as the arils (fancy name for seed coating; haha you just accidentally learned something) of the pomegranate are a deep, dark red. So is the juice, resembling very watery blood, which makes it a perfect choice for the Darkside.

The color of Pomegranate Skittles got pretty close to the real thing, but unlike pomegranate juice, dropping a Skittle on your shirt will not stain it forever, which is a plus. It was also the strongest flavor out of all the Darksides. It was very tart, as is real pomegranate, and actually did a pretty good job of capturing the flavor of the fruit. It lacked the depth of the real thing, but it’s also a bite-sized candy, so just coming close was a pretty good success.

Forbidden Fruit: I love the name, but had no idea what it represented until I ate one and rediscovered Original Sin. Whoops. Sorry, guys. I know, I know – a damn woman ruins things all over again. Figures.

Apparently, the fruit from the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil is darkish blue in hue, and tastes a lot like tropical punch. There was a definite melon flavor, complimented by what could have been a light berry flavor. Honestly, it was kind of hard to pin down, but it was tasty nonetheless. I guess when you’re the candy that got Adam and Eve kicked out of Eden, you’re allowed to be mysterious.

Midnight Lime: Here we come to the “what does it mean?” portion of Darkside Skittles. What the fuck is a Midnight Lime? Do they taste better at midnight? Oooo, do they turn pumpkin-flavored at midnight? Now that would be impressive.

Unfortunately, I’m old and am usually in bed by midnight, so I’ll never know. What I do know is that, at any time other than midnight, Midnight Lime tastes like…lime. Lime Skittles.

Darkside Skittles Midnight Lime Comparison

I just happened to have a bag of regular Skittles around, so I did a comparison, and I found almost no difference in appearance or taste. Okay, Midnight Lime is a little bit darker, and it was actually a teensy less tart, but if I slipped a Midnight Lime into your bag of regular Skittles, I bet you’d never know it.

If anyone who doesn’t fall asleep at 9pm after drinking a warm glass of Metamucil wants to try eating them at midnight, let me know how that goes in the comments section.

Blood Orange: Like Pomegranate, this one goes out to the vampires, or the knife-wielding ex-girlfriends. Blood oranges are orange on the outside and deep scarlet on the inside, and the color of these Skittles seems to be a compromise between the two.

Real blood oranges taste almost exactly the same as navel oranges, but they add a little bit more tart with the sweetness and are 100% more likely to ruin your shirt than regular oranges.

Blood Orange Skittles did a good job at mimicking this, being just a bit more tart than regular orange Skittles. Sure, “orange” is not a flavor that screams darkness, but you add “blood” to that and you’ve instantly got a solid concept, which beats the pants off Midnight Lime.

Like I said in the intro, I love the design of Darkside Skittles and am firmly convinced they are anti-Valentine’s Day candy, an idea that just delights me. Some of the flavors, like Midnight Lime and Dark Berry, feel a little phoned in. Forbidden Fruit and Blood Orange are flavors that aren’t exactly mind-blowing, but their concepts make them solid. Pomegranate is the one truly unique flavor in Darkside Skittles, and it’s got a color made for the Other Side of the Rainbow. While it doesn’t duplicate its namesake exactly, it gets definite points for coming close.

I have no idea if Darkside Skittles are limited edition or not – if they truly are an anti-V-Day candy, you’ll be seeing them in the clearance aisle soon. If they’re just made for vampires and goth kids, I guess they’ll be sticking around for a while. Hey, even goth kids need a little candy. They can’t subsist on black clove cigarettes alone.

Darkside Skittles

  • Score: 3.5 out of 5 pats on the back for not making one Star Wars reference the entire revie- dammit!
  • Price: $2.69
  • Size: 10.5 oz. bag
  • Purchased at: Target
  • Nutritional Quirks: Serious points to Pomegranate Darkside Skittles for mimicking the fruit so closely with artificial flavors.

Candy Blog also crossed over to the Darkside.

Junk Food

M&Ms White Chocolate Peppermint

4 Comments

It’s Christmas Eve, and I have a couple of holiday-themed items left to review and no time to review them! I’m like a frantic last-minute gift-shopper. Unfortunately, I can’t just go to JC Penney and pay them to wrap these reviews up for me. Although the idea of attempting that is amusing.

This is my way of apologizing for what will be a short review. Short but sweet. Like candy!

What a terrible segue.

M&Ms White Chocolate Peppermint are a new edition to the melts-in-your-mouth family this holiday season. They follow another white chocolate holiday M&M – White Chocolate Candy Corn.

I’m not quite sure why they decided to go with white chocolate for this flavor. Regular chocolate goes quite well with peppermint – why not work with that? Oh, wait – Mint Dark Chocolate M&Ms already exist. Maybe they figured making a Milk Chocolate Peppermint would be too similar?

Enough speculation. My brain doesn’t have time for this. It’s already thinking about ham. Christmas ham, of course; I don’t just sit around thinking about ham all the time. That I’ll admit to on the Internet.

M&Ms usually puts some effort in the packaging department, and White Chocolate Peppermints are no exception. Red and white stripes adorn the sides, obviously meant to represent the stripes on a candy cane.

Red M&M was an obvious choice to represent this flavor, and he’s wearing what I would call a Santa hat, except it has stripes and hangs down to his feet, which honestly looks more like some sort of Dr. Seuss accessory than what Mr. Claus would wear, but hey.

I’m really into Red M&M’s facial expression and gesturing. His outstretched arms say, “Hey, check out these White Chocolate Peppermint M&Ms, hm? Nice, right?” His half-lidded eyes and bizarre mouth configuration give off a distinct “Ladies, maybe you want some minty chocolates?”

His eyebrows seem to have migrated onto the fur trim of his hat. I have no interpretation for that one.

White Chocolate Peppermint M&Ms are about the same diameter as regular M&Ms, but seem a bit fatter. As I expected, one whiff from the bag filled my nostrils with the scent of candy cane. Not just peppermint – candy cane. An important distinction, and one that makes me wonder why M&Ms didn’t call these White Chocolate Candy Cane. It is both more accurate and more festive!

It would have been fun to see some red candy bits inside the M&Ms themselves, but these innards look like your typical white chocolate. Upon shoving a handful into my mouth, however, I was greeted with minty candy cane goodness. It was like sucking on a candy cane itself, minus the part where the end of the cane turns into a point sharp enough to kill someone and/or jab your gums painfully.

The crunch of the outer shell helped to add even more candy cane…ness to the M&Ms, and my mouth was transformed into a minty Christmas wonderland. The accuracy of the flavor was spot-on. However, candy cane is a strong flavor, which means that it completely overwhelmed the flavor of the white chocolate.

Going back to my original query as to why these M&Ms are white and not milk chocolate, I think they actually made a smart choice here. The white chocolate is naught but a delivery system for the peppermint flavor. It lends the texture of chocolate, but knows not to interfere with this decidedly Christmas taste.

At the risk of sounding like a broken record, I’m still baffled in regards to why M&Ms didn’t call these White Chocolate Candy Cane. Everything from the packaging to the color of the candies to the taste itself screams it, and yet they went with peppermint. While I find this to be a sadly missed opportunity, rest assured that if you need to get your candy cane fix, you can stop sneaking around stealing decorations off the Christmas tree and just grab a handful of M&Ms White Chocolate Peppermint instead. Unless you like stabbing yourself in the gums.

M&Ms White Chocolate Peppermint

  • Score: 4 out of 5 HEY DID I MENTION THESE SHOULD BE CALLED CANDY CANE AND NOT PEPPERMINT ENOUGH TIMES
  • Price: $2.99
  • Size: 9.90 oz. bag
  • Purchased at: Target
  • Nutritional Quirks: Not much unexpected here – sugar, sugar, and more sugar. No mint or artificial flavors listed, so I’m guessing “natural flavor” means “minty elf blood”.

Candy Blog and The Impulsive Buy also reviewed M&Ms White Chocolate Peppermint.