Limited edition retro…throwback Ruffles and Cheetos! Have your nostalgia sensors gone wild yet? Are you ready to go out there and find these chips RIGHT NOW so you can pretend it’s…uh, whatever year these bags are meant to imitate?
I would love to tell you that year. Or anything else about these chips. The Internet seems completely devoid of information about their existence, minus this Flickr picture I found that showcases all the other retro brands I didn’t find; namely, Cheetos Puffs, Rold Gold Pretzel Rods and King Size Fritos. The photo also includes Taco Doritos, but I already reviewed those.
So this news post is sadly deprived of news, beyond the fact that I can tell you they exist. I can also tell you that I expected the chips to contain identical ingredients to a regular bag of Ruffles or Cheetos. The chips looked exactly the same as modern Ruffles and Cheetos. Going off of Frito-Lay’s website, the Ruffles contained the exact same and amount of ingredients as regular Ruffles.
The Cheetos are a little more interesting, however. I could taste no difference between retro and regular Cheetos, but the ingredients do appear different. Retro Cheetos use vegetable oil, while “contemporary” Cheetos use corn and/or sunflower oil. Retro Cheetos include cheddar cheese seasoning and cheddar cheese, while the regular Cheetos just have the latter. And finally, retro Cheetos list salt as the last ingredient, where salt falls in the middle of the list on regular Cheetos. So there do seem to be some differences, even if my palate is apparently not refined enough to taste them.
The back of the Cheetos bag also has Chester Cheetah goin’ all Uncle Sam, and also says, “Here’s to over 60 years of great flavor”. So Cheetos is having an anniversary. What about the rest of the brands? Who knows, the Internet won’t tell me. It is all mystery. But I figured they should be thrown up on the Internet, if only to catalog their existence.
As we all know, the Internet is a magical place where you can buy just about anything your little heart desires. However, this can easily backfire on you. We’ve all experienced it: that drunken 3am purchase of Transformers: The Complete Series off of Amazon that set you back $200. Maybe that Groupon for 90% off pedicures was a deal too great to pass up, until you remembered you hate people touching your feet. Maybe you bought a vintage 1980s GI Joe ID bracelet off eBay for $30 in a fit of nostalgia, even though you’re a grown man and it won’t even fit on your admittedly skinny wrists. (True story.)
The point here, obviously, is that we’ve all made that impulsive purchase off the Internet that we either completely regretted or just wondered what the hell we were thinking. As you may have guessed, this review is being written in the spirit of this concept. In this case, however, there was a series of events that led up to me owning a Tabasco lollipop. I will spell out the scenario:
I walk through the front door of my apartment. How It’s Made, a show about, well, how things are made, is on the TV. I like to keep my cats company with the dulcet tones of Brooks Moore, which I’m sure they appreciate. It just so happens that they’re showing how Tabasco is made. I stop, transfixed, because Tabasco is awesome and I was eager to learn their terrible secrets of deliciousness. At the end, they show all the different flavors Tabasco makes. I’d seen most at the store, but one flavor stood out: Garlic Pepper.
Garlic Pepper! I’ve never seen that in any store! I had the brilliant idea of checking to see if I could buy it off the Internet. Well, of course I could. Tabasco has its own online store, and they offer a 6-pack “Family of Flavors” that offers all the flavors. In addition, I could get a free bottle of their newest flavor, Buffalo Style, with any purchase. Sold!
I made a critical mistake, however; instead of just impulsively spending an inappropriate amount of money on condiments, I thought, hey, maybe I’ll just look around the Tabasco Country Store a little bit. Just for kicks.
And that is when it happened.
Oh, hello. There’s a whole section labeled snacks! What’s this now? Popcorn? SPAM?! Ice cream mix?! It was a whole world of crazy for which I was entirely unprepared. My mind reeled. I was powerless. And that is the story about how I now have ten bottles of various Tabascos in my house and wound up being the not-exactly-proud owner of Zapp’s Spicy Creole Tomato Potato Chips and a Tabasco Lollipop. In seven paragraphs.
On the bright side, I’ve got a (relatively) new flavor of Tabasco that was free, a bag of potato chips from a brand I’ve never seen, and a hot sauce lollipop that most of you will probably never try, and for good reason. These three factors doth a JFB review make. Let’s see if I can save this Tabasco Fiasco by turning it into something entertaining enough to justify paying two dollars for a hot sauce sucker. I think we know who the real sucker is.
Tabasco Buffalo Style Hot Sauce
The box that my bottle of Tabasco Buffalo Style came in claims that it is “buffalo style, perfected.” It went even further, saying, “Once you try new Tabasco Buffalo Style Hot Sauce, you’ll see that it stands heads and horns above the rest. It’s a thick sauce, so it sticks to things better. And it has just the right amount of heat, so it does more than make one-of-a-kind wings.”
It goes on to describe all the different uses for the sauce that you already know about, because if you have half a brain you can figure out that you can use buffalo sauce for more than just wings. I also like that they break down the idea that thick sauce sticks to things better. Physics lesson learned; thanks Tabasco!
Two-day-old leftover Extra Crispy drumstick courtesy of KFC.
I did find that it was indeed thicker than say, Frank’s Red Hot Sauce, but it wasn’t quite as thick as I thought it would be, which was a little disappointing. It’s about as thick as Tapatio hot sauce, if that gives you a fair comparison.
As for the taste, at first I thought, “Well, it tastes like buffalo sauce. What more can I say.” But that didn’t sit quite right with me. Then I realized I’d only tried it on the chicken. I had to taste it in its pure form. So I found myself, once again, standing in my kitchen, pantsless…sucking on a bottle of hot sauce.
I’m glad I did, because I think it gave me some clarity in regards to both texture and flavor. Tabasco Buffalo Style isn’t as thick as I thought it would be, but I think that little bump in thickness really does make a difference. Furthermore, I feel like there’s a balance of heat and vinegar twang that other buffalo sauces lack. With some other sauces, I sometimes feel like I’m being hit over the head with vinegar, but Tabasco hit a nice balance. Between the thicker texture and the flavor balance, I’d say Tabasco has made my favorite buffalo sauce yet. Way to go, Tabasco!
Zapp’s Potato Chips Spicy Creole Tomato Spiked with Tabasco
There’s a lot going on here, just in the name of these chips. Spicy! Creole! Tomato…? Spiked with Tabasco! So many flavors in one bag! I like the design; it looks kind of like they went old school. Either that, or Zapp’s hasn’t actually changed their design in 40 years. I’m fine with either one.
Even the back of the bag is adorable in its quaintness. If ZPCSCTSwT’s bag was a website, a little envelope would be sliding in and out of that mailbox, and there would probably be dancing Tabasco logo GIFs. Maybe there would be an embedded MIDI of a banjo playing (Zapp’s is proudly from Louisiana, after all). The background would be eye-burningly orangish-red and all the font would be minty green and probably Comic Sans. It doesn’t hurt that they call their website a “FunSite” on the bag.
However, I shouldn’t judge a chip by its cover. Let’s see how spicy, creole, tomato and Tabasco all work together!
As you can see at the bottom of the front of the bag, these aren’t just potato chips, they’re also kettle chips. And they kettle well, hitting that sweet spot of being thick and crunchy without being so thick they threaten to break your teeth and stab your gums.
With words like “spicy”, “spiked” and “Tabasco” in the product’s title, you’d think you would be immediately hit with a blast of heat. Not so much, here. There was a little heat, but it didn’t really build to anything that would have you running for the milk jug. They did hit the Tabasco note, however; the classic combination of spice and vinegar was prominent.
That leaves tomato and Creole. I found tomato an odd choice of flavoring, especially considering how many other flavors were in the pool. Surprisingly, under the initial Tabasco taste, there was a subtle yet noticeable tomato flavor that worked well with the Tabasco.
As for Creole, can’t say I was sold on that one. First off, “Creole” is not really a flavor, it’s more of a style of cuisine. I gave Zapp’s a pass, however, because you could argue that they meant “the flavors of Creole cuisine”. Unfortunately for Zapp’s, I can’t give them a pass on actually representing the flavors of Creole. There were hints of onion, and yeah, there’s some spiciness, but I feel like Zapp’s thinks they can get away with throwing “Creole” in with impunity because they’re from Louisiana. I would have been perfectly fine with just “Spicy Tomato Spiked with Tabasco”.
Nitpicking aside, I did enjoy ZPCSCTSwT overall. While the spiciness never reached the height I was expecting, the more I ate the chips, the more I found that I enjoyed that level of heat and it was pretty spot-on with Tabasco, as was the level of vinegar. That, along with the underlying flavors of tomato and onion, as well as a satisfying crunch, make Zapp’s Potato Chips Spicy Creole Tomato Spiked with Tabasco an enjoyable snack. It’s a shame and also dangerous that the only way I can get these chips again is by going on the Internet. Explaining to my parents that I have to move back in with them because I went broke buying Tabasco products online would be pretty embarrassing.
Tabasco Lollipop
Speaking of embarrassing, we come to the final impulse item, the Tabasco Lollipop. But listen, I can explain.
I have a serious oral fixation (save the jokes) and self-diagnosed Restless Hand Syndrome, which means I’m constantly fiddling with things and have to choose between chain smoking, constantly eating and thus becoming too fat to fit through my doorway, chewing gum, or sucking on hard candy. My lungs already hate me, I like being able to see my toes, and I don’t have a sweet tooth. I’ve found myself occasionally wishing someone would make a gum that tasted like meat, but quickly realized that would be a horrible idea.
So, when I saw the Tabasco Lollipop, I thought, perfect! A hot sauce hard candy that will keep both my hands and my mouth occupied (again, with the jokes) while filling my mouth with delicious spiciness.
That did not work out. From my very first suck (STOP IT) I knew exactly what this “Tabasco” sucker really tasted like:
I loved Atomic Fireballs as a kid. At some point, I was in a class where the teacher handed them out as rewards for stuff like good grades or generally not acting like an asshole. We would all sit around, seeing who could keep the candy in their mouths the longest before giving in. For those unfamiliar with Atomic Fireballs, they taste like cinnamon and burn like hell. That may not sound fun, but somehow, it is.
One problem I have with this sucker is the size. I know I have a small mouth, but I think most people would have a hard time fitting the whole thing in (SHUT UP). On the plus side, the large size means that you’ll get a lot of candy bang for your buck. Two bucks, in this case. Plus, you’d have to have a pretty strong constitution to keep it in your mouth for any long period of time.
So, Tabasco Lollipops taste absolutely nothing like Tabasco. That’s a pretty big fail. On the other hand, they taste like Atomic Fireballs, which is great. Makes it difficult to grade. I think I’ll split the difference and call it fair.
Thus ends our tour of the Tabasco Fiasco. Turned out pretty okay, if you ask me. I have a new favorite buffalo sauce, some tasty chips, and a lollipop that will probably take me a month to get through. Some impulsive Internet purchases end in regret; this one resulted in some surprisingly good stuff. And a really long review.
Oh, and the Tabasco Garlic Pepper Hot Sauce? Pretty darn good. The garlic adds an interesting dimension. 3.5 out of 5.
Tabasco Buffalo Style Hot Sauce
Score: 4.5 out of 5 “horns above the rest”
Price: Free! (With purchase)
Size: 5 oz. bottle
Purchased at: Tabasco Country Store
Nutritional Quirks: No surprises here, just a solid buffalo sauce!
Zapp’s Potato Chips Spicy Creole Tomato Spiked with Tabasco
Score: 4 out of 5 embedded MIDI banjo songs
Price: $1.25
Size: 2 oz. bag
Purchased at: Tabasco Country Store
Nutritional Quirks: Creole suspiciously missing from chips made in Louisiana
Tabasco Lollipop
Score: 3 out of 5 Atomic Fireball contests
Price: $2.00
Size: 1 lollipop
Purchased at: Tabasco Country Store
Nutritional Quirks: Does not taste at all like Tabasco, but does taste just like an Atomic Fireball!
The Internet world of food news has been all aflutter about Nabisco introducing a new product called the Triple Double Oreo. It all started herehere and here, and was finally confirmed by associate director of corporate affairs for Nabisco Basil T. Maglari, who told Today.com, “Yes, the rumors are true.” The official statement from Nabisco: “This summer, Oreo will introduce a new ‘twist’ on the iconic cookie: the Triple Double Oreo. Three chocolate Oreo wafers with two layers of creme — one classic vanilla, and one chocolate. While we tried our best to safeguard this news, we couldn’t hold back the buzz.”
Yes, I’m sure Nabisco’s efforts to keep the Triple Double a secret were valiant, but you can’t hide anything from the Internet. I mean, who would want all that publicity, like when news of the Double Down came out and everyone went hog chicken wild over it. What a horrible thing to happen to a company’s new zany food product!
I’ve felt nothing but glee over the fast food war to see who can come up with the strangest menu item, and I’m glad to see it’s now spread to junk food. I can’t wait to see who steps up to the plate next. Keebler, I’m looking at you – when will we be seeing tuna and chocolate layered cracker sandwiches?
As stated by Nabisco, you won’t be able to get your chocolate vanilla chocolate chocolate chocolate fix until this summer. Just in time for bikini season! I couldn’t find any nutritional information, but you probably don’t want to know anyway.
Lay’s recently introduced two new flavors to their Kettle Cooked line of potato chips. What a boring introductory sentence. They say the first sentence can make or break a novel. If you don’t hook your reader fast, you may have already lost them. So let’s try again.
In a move that rocked the world of snack food, Lay’s dropped a major bombshell in introducing two extraordinary new flavors to their already mind-shattering line of Kettle Cooked potato chips.
There, that’s better. The two (amazing!) flavors are Spicy Cayenne & Cheese and Creamy Mediterranean Herb. Spicy Cayenne & Cheese sounds kind of boring. Spicy and cheese, in chip form?! Alert the presses!
Creamy Mediterranean Herb, however…now that’s something unique. I was intrigued by these chips mostly for the addition of the word “creamy” in the product name. Creamy herbs? Creamy Mediterranean herbs? What the fuck is that? What does that even mean? I was already down with Mediterranean herbs; I love me some hummus, feta, olives, gyros, you name it. Mediterranean almost always gets a thumbs up in my book. Throw “creamy” out in front and you’ve definitely got my attention. I must know what creamy herbs taste like.
This would be the part where I actually tell you what the chips taste like, but that would make for a dangerously short review, and we can’t have that. Luckily, Snack Chat comes through once again with this little throwaway tidbit of information I spotted between a pair of parentheses: “(Fun fact: “Top Chef” host Padma Lakshmi and Frito-Lay executive chef Stephen Kalil cooked at the live billboard in Times Square today with Lay’s Kettle Cooked Creamy Mediterranean Herb.”
Oh really, Snack Chat. Sexyhot Padma McChefJudge cooking with the chips? What kind of craziness could this produce? No link was provided, but it didn’t take much Google-Fu to find a video of this event. The video is 15 minutes long and disappointingly boring, so I’ll just break it down for you.
As stated, Padma and Kalil are cooking two stories above the Hard Rock Cafe in Times Square. Unfortunately, they are not cooking with chips. Basically, Padma panders to Frito-Lay, gushing about how amazing it is that they’re aiming to have half their products all-natural by the end of the year. Kalil then takes two “sweet and spicy” recipes out of Padma’s cookbook and combines them, an amazing culinary feat that causes Padma to make a foodgasm face upon tasting. The only interesting thing that happens in this video is when a giant fire truck goes by with sirens and horns blaring, forcing them to stop complimenting each other and stand around awkwardly for 30 seconds until the noise subsides.
Well, perhaps not the only interesting thing. Amongst all the fawning over Padma’s recipes and unexpected fire truck interruptions, they did manage to talk about the chips a bit. Kalil revealed a bit about the process of creating all-natural flavors, stating that they started creating the flavor of Creamy Mediterranean Herb with some goat cheese and “citrus herb”, which consisted of lemon zest, orange zest, and ground cardamom. They played around with different cheeses, finally settling on a mixture of marscapone, Boursin, and something else I couldn’t make out because the video skipped.
Padma, however, kept insisting they tasted like a “couture version of sour cream and onion”, which probably made Kalil fume and made her look like a dumbass after proclaiming earlier that she became a cook because she had such a sensitive palate. She also claimed that an associate and she “blew through a whole bag” one night, which I refuse to believe unless she also “blew chunks” afterwards. Bitch don’t stay skinny scarfing down half a bag of potato chips. I don’t care how all-natural they are.
In the end, the video wasn’t a complete waste of 15 minutes of my life. At the very least, I got a tiny glimpse into Frito-Lay’s test kitchen ways, and I learned that Boursin is a cheese, which I had never heard of before. It’s interesting that Kalil focused mainly on the cheese, since the name of the chips focuses on the herbs and doesn’t mention cheese at all. I guess that he can’t reveal all of their trade secrets. I respect his cheesy deflection.
I try to go into each of my reviews blind, having no knowledge of ingredients or other people’s opinions on the taste of a product, but after watching the video, I’ve obviously been tainted. At the very least, I can go into it seeing if I can detect the flavors described by Kalil. Or I can see if they taste like “couture sour cream and onion”. You’re lucky you’re so hot, Padma, because I kind of want to throw a hot bowl of some Top Chef contestant’s failed consummé with celery foam in your face right now. I could make your face match your arm. OHHH LOW BLOW
Before I wind up getting sued by Bravo for making assault threats, I should probably move on to the chips themselves. Here they are!
I’ve never had Lay’s Kettle chips before, but I have had Kettle brand kettle chips, and I was surprised at how small Lay’s version are by comparison. After some thought, I decided that’s actually a good thing – with smaller chips, the likelihood of having a piece of potato shrapnel lodge into your gums is reduced, which is always a good thing. And Lay’s Kettle Cooked had just the right amount of crunch, without being so thick you’re afraid you’re going to chip a tooth.
There were a lot of layers of flavor in Creamy Mediterranean Herb, but none of them managed to be overwhelming. The onion and garlic hit my taste buds first, and then the cheese kicks in. I was surprised by the flavor of the cheese – mainly, that it actually tasted like cheese, instead of neon-orange artificial cheese-flavored powder. It didn’t hit you over the head, but it made its presence known in a good way.
Strangely, I found myself thinking that these chips actually did taste creamy. Creamy chips sound gross, but it was the authenticity of the cheese flavor that made the impression. Well, you got me, Lay’s – you managed to make your chips taste creamy. Your product name actually makes sense.
But what about the Mediterranean herbs? The final layer took a little time to show itself, but I was grateful it did, because the lingering mixture of cheese, basil and oregano made my mouth happy well after I’d finished eating the chips. Basil and oregano definitely qualify as Mediterranean herbs, so our product name has come full circle. The back of the bag confirms this, saying, “Real basil and oregano come together with rich white cheddar to bring the savory taste of Mediterranean cuisine to these flavorful chips.”
Wait a second, here. White cheddar? What happened to the marscapone? The Boursin? The other cheese that I’ll never know because of a video glitch? Well, I guess that doesn’t matter now, because the ingredient list confirms that cheddar cheese is, indeed, the only cheese used to flavor these chips. What the fuck, Stephen Kalil? You filthy liar. Both marscapone and Boursin are creamy cheeses, which would make perfect sense in the context of these chips, but instead, I get white cheddar. I feel betrayed.
Despite my disappointment in finding out I’m eating white cheddar chips and not fancy Boursin chips, I really enjoyed Lay’s Kettle Cooked Creamy Mediterranean Herb Flavored Potato Chips. I liked the smaller size of the chip, thought the crunch was just right, and appreciated the layers of flavor that slowly unfolded over my palate instead of hitting me on the head. My one complaint (besides that liar Stephen Kalil) is that the onion and the garlic may have come on too strong in the beginning; I enjoyed their participation, but would have liked the basil and oregano to be stronger players up front. I have a feeling this bag of chips won’t last long; this isn’t one of those snacks that languish in my cupboard after a review until they’re stale and have to be thrown out. Fortunately, I don’t host a chef reality show on tv, so if I blow through the bag in one night, I won’t have to taste them a second time afterwards. (Sorry for being so hard on you Padma; you’re still sexyhot. Call me!)
Score: 4 out of 5 awkwardly-timed fire engines
Price: $2.49 (on sale; regular price $3.49)
Size: 8 1/2 oz. bag
Purchased at: Safeway #1717
Nutritional Quirks: No marscapone. No Boursin. Just white cheddar. 🙁
Hey, it’s the day after Easter! For some of you dear readers, you may have just finished the holiday tradition of Lent. Whether you abstained from meat on Fridays, gave it up altogether, or just cut out red meat, you can now continue your carnivorous ways.
I figure today seemed like the perfect day to review something I’ve been holding onto for a while. Back in December, I received a bag of chips from a generous friend of mine, who works at a place that apparently considers rib-flavored potato chips a perfectly normal selection for their break room vending machine. Having had some harrying encounters with meat-flavored non-meat items around that same time, I was justifiably nervous, but I reviewed them anyway, and found them to be quite enjoyable, and also free of any creepy meat flavor.
In the process of that review, I took a look at Herr’s website, and found some wacky flavors that I would’ve loved to have gotten my hands on. Unfortunately, I’d never seen Herr’s in my area. A little while back, I found myself outside my normal grocery/convenience store zone, and decided to check out the local Basha’s. To my surprise, they carried Herr’s! I was disappointed that they didn’t have Creamy Dill Pickle flavor, but they did have Kansas City Prime Steak, which I consider a mighty fine consolation prize.
I’ve always been curious about the name of these potato chips. I get the Prime part; in terms of USDA beef grading, Prime is the highest grade a piece of meat can get, and Prime steaks are usually only sold in hotels and restaurants. Prime means quality. But why Kansas City? I didn’t care enough to research before, but now that I’m writing about these chips, I have to. For you. You’re welcome.
According to Wikipedia, the source of all knowledge and my primary care physician, Kansas City (the Missouri one, not the Kansas one, mind you) is famous for its steaks and, more specifically, the Kansas City Strip Steak. The strip steak is the cut of beef where T-bones and Porterhouses come from, just so you know. Deliciousness.
Kansas City became famous for its steaks due to the creation of the Kansas City Stockyards, which were built to give livestock owners better prices for their stock. At the Kansas City Live Stock Exchange, the headquarters of the Stockyards, livestock was sold at auction, which gave owners a chance at getting more money for their cattle. Previously, cattle owners west of Kansas City had to concede to whatever price the railroad was offering.
In the heyday year of 1923, 1,194,527 cattle (45% of the gross cattle sold) were purchased by local packing houses and markets, making Kansas City the place to get fresh, delicious steak. Built in 1871, the Stockyards flourished well into the 1940s. Unfortunately, the Great Flood of 1951 devastated the Stockyards, and they never really recovered, finally closing in 1991.
And now you know why Herr’s chose to call their steak-flavored potato chips Kansas City Prime. I just went all educational on yo’ ass. Take it. LIKE IT.
Back to the chips! From the mouth of Herr Herr: “Take a bite of this unique flavor sensation, Kansas City Prime Steak Potato Chips. Herr’s takes the finest potatoes and cooks them in pure vegetable oil to a golden crispy crunch. We then top them with the flavor of thick and juicy steak. It’s hard to find this bold flavor outside of your favorite steakhouse.”
“Unique flavor sensation” sounds like a phrase I would use to trick someone into eating something nasty. It’s the equivalent of setting your friend up on a blind date and telling him “she has a great personality”! I can read between the lines, here. I’m also pretty sure you won’t be finding this “bold flavor” inside OR outside of your favorite steakhouse.
I just noticed that the picture on the bag is actually a “serving suggestion”. So you’re supposed to serve these steak-flavored chips with…steak? How very meta. I have a feeling that if you served Kansas City Prime chips with a delicious Porterhouse straight from the grill, the chips are going to pale in comparison to the real thing. I enjoy potato chips, but I enjoy a juicy slab of meat a hell of a lot more.
All of that said, I actually have some high hopes for these chips. From my experience with their rib-flavored chips, I know that Herr’s has not yet figured out the dark magic that Frito-Lay uses to make their meat-flavored chips, so I’m not worried about that. I’m hoping for a chip flavored with a dry steak rub, which, in my opinion, would be awesome. Let’s see how Kansas City Prime these chips actually are.
The first impression I got from these chips was holy balls these chips are salty. That’s a bold statement coming from a salt vampire like myself. I would go so far as to call them excessively salty. The second impression was holy balls these chips are garlicky. It took a few mouthfuls before I could detect the more subtle flavors in the seasoning. Namely, that it tastes like they tossed the chips in a combination of beef ramen seasoning and garlic powder. There’s definitely a beefy taste, but it’s artificial, like you’re sucking on a cube of beef bullion.
This may not seem like a ringing endorsement for Kansas City Prime, but I found myself rather enjoying the chips. This probably puts me in the minority; I’m pretty sure most people wouldn’t want to get intimate with a bag full of chip that taste like beefy garlic salt. I don’t even know how many I could eat before I reached the limit of my admittedly high sodium tolerance, but I could see myself having a handful or two here and there. I also like the texture of Herr’s chips; they’re thick and deliver a nice crunch, but not so thick that shards of potato pierce your gums like shrapnel every time you take a bite.
That said, as a reviewer, I have to be objective, and in the end, not only do Herr’s Kansas City Prime Steak Flavor Artificially Flavored Potato Chips taste nothing like steak, they’re also too salty and remind me of being poor and having 17 cent ramen for dinner. On the plus side, there’s enough garlic in them to ensure that nobody will kiss you for the rest of the day, so if your boyfriend has severe halitosis and you’re too nice to break it to him, these chips will assist you nicely.
Score: 2.5 out of 5 totally interesting and not at all boring facts about the history of steak in Kansas City, Missouri
Price: $2.99
Size: 8 oz. bag
Purchased at: Basha’s #19
Nutritional Quirks: It’s the inclusion of salt and MSG that really makes the chips pop! Also contains butter (what?) and “extractives of tumeric”, which sounds like an ingredient you would need to hunt down if you were concocting a brew to put a curse on someone.
I love Tapatío. It is my go-to hot sauce for just about everything. I put it on pizza, I put it in ramen, I adorn macaroni and cheese with it. I also just realized I have the diet of a poor college student. Just kidding, I realized that years ago.
Let’s not lose sight, here.Tapatío! Now in powdered chip form! When I saw these Fritos at my local convenience store I did the Happy Snack Dance. I was so overzealous that I failed to notice that there are also Tapatío-flavored Doritos and Ruffles, too. The cashier behind the counter kindly pointed this fact out to me, but I wasn’t about to go back and hunt for the other two, because that would make me look weird and would also piss off the person behind me. So you get Fritos, and that’s all you get. I don’t need all three anyway; just take whatever I say about the Tapatío powder and pretend it’s on a tortilla chip, then on a potato chip. Done! Easiest review ever.
Actually, I just read Snack Chat and my previous sentence is completely inaccurate. The Doritos have a Nacho Cheese base and the Ruffles “include a touch of lime juice”. I still feel I made the right choice, even if it was accidental, because the Fritos version appear to be purely Tapatío, so I’ll be able to judge more accurately if they have captured the true essence of the hot sauce. Plus, these are Frito Flavor Twists (although not labeled as such), and I’ve somehow managed to have never had this particular iteration of Fritos, so it will be a learning experience for all of us.
Fritos and Tapatío 'bout to get freaky!
If you’ve never had this hot sauce, I’ll let Snack Chat break it down: “For those that aren’t familiar, Tapatío hot sauce has been around since the early 1970s. It started as a part-time venture for founder Luis Saavedra, Sr. who made batches of hot sauce in his family home, selling the finished bottles to local Los Angeles markets. Despite its humble beginning, Tapatío hot sauce eventually caught on and is now a staple in homes and restaurants across the country.”
As Tapatío Fritos are part of the Sabritas line, everything’s in Spanish. There’s some English as well, like in the Nutritional Information section, but some things are only in Spanish, like on the back of the bag pictured above. According to Google Translate, “¡Ya llegó!” means “Has arrived!”. “Dile hola a” I can handle myself with my two years of basic Spanish; that means “Say hello to”. “Has arrived!” isn’t exactly the kind of statement I would tack an exclamation point onto, but hey, certain things get lost in translation.
Upon opening the bag, I was greeted with the smell of…enchiladas? Bizarre, but true. Like corn tortillas with a saucy, spicy smell. The twists definitely didn’t taste like enchiladas, though. Tapatío Fritos definitely bring the heat of the hot sauce; one of the things I like so much about it is that it’s spicy and has a good level of heat, but not so much heat that your taste buds burn out and you’re sweating and dying for a glass of milk. It’s the perfect level of heat for me. These chips had that same level of heat, with an afterburn that’s pleasant, not painful.
Another distinctive feature of Tapatío is the aftertaste. Perhaps it’s the combination of red peppers and garlic, or the always-vague “spices”, but it has a taste that differs from other hot sauces. Fritos got part of it; there’s a little garlic in there with the lingering heat. It seemed like there was a little something missing, though. Looking at the ingredients, “Tapatío seasoning” is listed, which captures all of the elements of Tapatío sauce except the red peppers, which is one of the key ingredients. This may be what keeps Tapatío Fritos from tasting 100% Tapatío.
All in all, I think Fritos Tapatío-Flavored Corn Chips succeeded in being tasty and came very close to capturing the essence of Tapatío. The heat level was just right and the touch of garlic was thoughtful. The only thing holding Fritos back from truly making a Tapatío chip was a certain flavor missing from the aftertaste, which may have been because they didn’t include red peppers in the equation. That said, I think Fritos did a good job in staying true to Tapatío’s flavor, instead of just creating another heat-based chip.
Score: 4 out of 5 ¡Ya llegós!
Price: 99 cents
Size: 2 7/8 oz. bag
Purchased at: Circle K #2821
Nutritional Quirks: No red peppers in the chips, even though it’s one of the main ingredients in Tapatío.
Today, a seemingly normal snack food that is shrouded in mystery. Chester’s Fries Chili Cheese Flavored Corn & Potato Snacks.
First, the procurement of said snack. I have never heard of these before in my life. Apparently, these have been showing up in the vending machine at my husband’s work off and on for a while now. A strange choice of offerings, given that most work vending machines I’ve seen (and I’ve seen my fair share) usually go with more traditional offerings, like original Lay’s or Rold Gold pretzels. If you’re lucky, you might score some Miss Vickie’s. But not this vending machine. This machine had gone rogue.
Somehow, these Chili Cheese Fries managed to slip in there. Or, more precisely, managed to slip out. The bag says 75 cents, but my husband scored them for free. During an innocent trip to the break room, he spotted them sitting on the counter. Alone, possibly even lonely; I can’t truthfully speak for the state of mind of the snack itself. He looked around, searching for an owner; the room was empty, fluorescent lights buzzing quietly, Formica tables bereft of employees shoveling bland Lean Cuisines into their mouths. No one was there to claim this odd bag of snacks. No one was coming back for them. Chester was officially an orphan.
So, my husband took them under his wing. No snack left behind. And now, like a de facto foster mother who is just in it for the paycheck, I will pass judgment on them.
There’s one more small mystery to this case. Much like whoever abandoned this bag of Chester’s Fries Chili Cheese, Frito-Lay seems to have abandoned them, as well. I couldn’t find them anywhere on F-L’s website, which extensively catalogs each flavor of each brand they carry. And trust me, that is an extensive list. They have Chester’s Flamin’ Hot Fries, but no Chili Cheese. I’m starting to wonder if this vending machine comes from the same magical source as the one that dispenses these.
The bag is pretty straightforward. There’s Chester, keepin’ it cool like he does, lounging around, eating his fries. There’s a picture of the fries, which the bag also informs me have been enlarged to show texture. To be honest, they do look like real seasoned fries. In the picture, that is.
There’s also a cartoon bowl of chili with cheese on top, which actually looks more like a bowl of mud with some yellow seagulls stuck in it. And then there’s the “guaranteed fresh by” date. Jan. 25. My husband only gave these to me a couple of weeks ago. Perhaps this explains the abandonment of the Fries. It also shows that perhaps this is not the most popular snack in the vending machine. I’m just hoping it’s Jan. 25 of this year.
Lucky for you readers, I’m a rogue. I don’t play by the rules. You can take my badge and my gun, but I’ll still conduct my own investigation. Expiration dates are for sissies.
The back of the bag describes these fries as “crispy, crunchy french fry-shaped snacks with a rich, hearty chili & cheese flavor. Satisfy your french fry fix with Chester’s Fries Chili Cheese Flavored Corn & Potato Snacks!” I appreciate a snack that actually uses the ridiculously long full name of their product anywhere other than on the front of the bag. It also says I can learn more at www.fritolay.com. This is obviously a lie. I always obey what the back of snack bags tell me to do, so I feel a little betrayed. Of course, if these expired Jan. 25, 2005, perhaps they were on Frito-Lay’s website at that time. We’ll never know.
Chester’s Chili Cheese Fries do not taste like french fries. They will not satisfy your french fry fix. They are, however, pretty good. The fries seem to be designed to each be a uniform 2.5 inches long, but given the various transports my bag endured, I’m not surprised some of them were broken. As you can see, they aren’t exactly the same color as the fries on the bag. The texture and density of them are pretty similar to Planters Cheez Balls, which no longer exist, which not only breaks my heart on a daily basis but also makes the comparison relatively useless. Let’s just say they’re less dense than Cheetos, but a little more dense than Cheetos Puffs.
I was surprised by the flavor. Considering they are, or perhaps were, part of the Frito-Lay family, I expected them to have the exact same flavoring as Chili Cheese Fritos. Instead, I got a much more subtle flavor. The cheese tasted a lot like Cheetos cheese but not as strong, and the chili seasoning had the flavors of other chili-flavored snacks, but again, it’s more subtle, which actually allows the cheese a little more room to shine.
I don’t know if you’ll ever be able to find Chester’s Fries Chili Cheese Flavored Corn & Potato Snacks. Maybe they’re everywhere and I’m just unobservant or live in the wrong area. Either way, Frito-Lay seems to deny their existence. I may never see them again, but I have to say, I enjoyed the bag I had. In a world of snacks that punch you in the mouth with aggressive flavoring, these fries had a subtle but pleasant flavor, which also allowed the flavor of the corn (and potato I guess, I couldn’t really taste much of that) and the tasty texture to come through. Chili and cheese have obviously been done before, but it’s the Cheez Ball-esque composition that I really enjoyed.
And for the record, they weren’t stale at all. Expiration dates are bullshit. Unless you’re dealing with milk. Don’t fuck with milk.
Score: 3.5 out of 5 Internet petitions to bring back Planters Cheez Balls
Price: Free, but someone else allegedly paid 75 cents
Size: 1 1/2 oz. bag
Purchased at: Lovingly rescued at an undisclosed break room location
Nutritional Quirks: Expired by 3 months (or 10 years, depending), but still tasting fresh!
When I was around nine years old, I stole a pack of stickers from a Hallmark store. I don’t even remember what the stickers were; probably Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles or something. I have never told anyone about this before.
Oh, shit, wait – that was the wrong confession! Oh well; I’m pretty sure the statute of limitations has run out on that crime. What I meant to confess is that I’ve been putting off reviewing these Retro Doritos Taco Flavor because I never had the original Doritos Taco Flavor. The best I can do is treat it like any other product I review, offering my opinion on the flavor and leaving it at that. But after I read the comments on The Impulsive Buy’s news announcement, I became even more intimidated. It seems those who actually ate the original Taco Doritos are rather polarized; some say it tastes just like the original, and some are OUTRAGED at the fact that it does not.
Of course, all taste is subjective. Since I can’t give a comparison, I’d like to ask any JFB readers who have eaten both the original and retro Taco Doritos to leave a comment telling me what you think about the two. Also feel free to tell me I got the flavor profile all wrong. You know, whatever.
With that out of the way, let’s take a small exploration into the history of Taco Doritos. Introduced in 1967, it was the second flavor of Doritos to ever hit the streets. The first was Toasted Corn. That’s a pretty prestigious position to be in. Taco went away at some point, not sure when. In the 1990s, there was a flavor called Taco Bell Taco Supreme, which was later just called Taco, and then there was a Zesty Taco flavor in the Collisions line, but then there was also the Late Night line that had Tacos at Midnight, which apparently did not taste-
You know what, I’m basing all of this information off of Wikipedia, which, of course, you can’t cite as a source in your book report, so just read this and try to sort it all out. Long story short: lots of different taco flavors in Doritos throughout the years.
No matter what they taste like, I’m tempted to empty the bag and frame it. Doritos got me on the packaging; as part of the Nostalgia Generation, whenever I see something like this bag, I think back to my childhood, when my worst problems were making sure I didn’t miss Saved by the Bell and nagging my dad to put air in the tires of my Huffy bike. Simpler times, simpler packaging. I love it.
I find the taste of the chips simpler, too. Again, I never had the original (that I can remember), but these Doritos have a nice, clean flavor profile. I’ve never had a taco that didn’t contain some kind of meat before, but these chips have no meat flavor whatsoever, and for that I am grateful. 1967 – simpler times, when people didn’t have to worry about things that weren’t meat tasting like meat.
What it does taste like, however, is Doritos Nacho Cheese with hints of onion, garlic, and maybe a little tomato. That’s it. No crazy extra stuff, no weird aftertaste I can’t quite explain. Just a nice cheese chip with some pleasant complimentary flavors.
Given, that’s not really what a taco tastes like, and it’s not exactly a mind-blowing flavor, but I don’t care. I still like them, and have been shoving them in my mouth for almost this entire review, so that says something. I wasn’t alive in 1967, but maybe this was a mind-blowing flavor back then. Either way, I think it’s a solid chip. And I would hug the retro bag if it didn’t mean crushing all the chips.
Update: Since it took me so long to write this, Doritos has announced in their Snack Chat that Retro Taco Doritos will stay around for good! Now I can hug my bag, because I can just go get another one!
Update the second: As of me putting the finishing touches on this post, there has been TREACHERY! If you read the Snack Chat link in the first update, you will see that I was correct in saying Taco was the second Doritos flavor ever, and that it debuted in 1967. A few days ago, when I started this post, The Wikipedia link I posted reflected this fact. But look what the Wikipedia article says as of 12:37pm MST, 2/28/11: “The first flavor of Doritos was Toasted Corn followed by Nacho Cheese (known for a time as Nacho Cheesier) flavor was released in 1972 while Cool Ranch (known for a time as Cooler Ranch) flavor was released in 1986.”
THIS IS NOT TRUE! DO NOT BELIEVE WIKIPEDIA! BELIEVE SNACK CHAT! Just more proof that on Wikipedia, “any jackass could have written that”. And this is why Wikipedia isn’t allowed as a citation for book reports! Or my website, apparently!
Score: 4 out of 5 sombreros
Price: $3.29
Size: 12 oz. bag
Purchased at: Fry’s Foods
Nutritional Quirks: Despite being taco flavored, Doritos Taco does not taste like meat. GOOD.
Happy Valentine’s Day! What better way to say “I love you” than a tub of cotton candy? When I first saw this in the Valentine’s section in the grocery store, I thought to myself, “What an odd choice for a Valentine’s candy.” When I think Valentine’s Day, I of course think chocolate. When I think cotton candy, I think of the fair. When I picked it up and turned it around, I decided I needed to have it. You’ll see why in just a second.
I thought that this was just a one-shot deal on the part of Fun Sweets, a company I’d never heard of before. When I went and looked up their website, I was disappointed to see that cotton candy is the only thing Fun Sweets makes. It just re-purposes its product into different holiday-themed tubs.
But that’s okay, because check this baby out:
Earlier I stated that a tub of cotton candy was the best way to say “I love you.” I’ve changed my mind. Nothing says “I love you” like a terrifying bear face with a heart nose that looks like it wants to eat you, but in the happiest of ways. Maybe I’m jaded; maybe other people just see a cute bear face. I see a veneer of cute with sinister undertones.
There’s more than just Cute Creepy Bear to this cotton candy, however. There’s a Smile Guarantee!
Scientifically proven! Guarantee! Oh, but there’s a disclaimer: if I’m a major grouch who doesn’t smile at a puppy or a rainbow, then even Fun Sweets Cotton Candy can’t help me. There have been times I haven’t smiled at puppies, like when they’re running across a busy street and I’m like, “Hey puppy! Stop being stupid! Get out of the street!” I don’t want to see a puppy get run over. That wouldn’t make me smile at all.
I suppose there are also times I haven’t smiled at rainbows, like when it’s just stopped raining and I’m coming home with a handful of groceries, and nobody thought to put a gutter on the roof above the staircase leading to my apartment, so I have to walk under a waterfall of roof runoff that’s probably full of pigeon poop. There are times I can be a major grouch in the morning, too, especially if there’s no coffee. I guess my guarantee is void. Sad face.
I’ve never had packaged cotton candy before. I’ve had cotton candy at fairs; I’ve even made it once, at the Orange County Fair or Oktoberfest or something. I was volunteering for Girl Scouts or maybe forced into high school community service. Who cares; all I know is I started with a sour puss because I didn’t want to be there but wound up having a lot of fun. Maybe there’s hope for my Smile Guarantee yet.
I just realized from reading Fun Sweets’ website that this is actually called Fun Sweets Cotton Candy Teddy Bears and that the flavor is vanilla. If I’d bothered to read the side of the tub, I would have learned that white = vanilla, pink = cherry, and yellow = banana. Well, huh. I’d been going with straight-up Fun Sweets Cotton Candy this whole time. I had no idea there were other flavors. The title of this post just got three words longer.
This is the clump that came out when I pulled a piece out of the tub. It’s a little denser than the cotton candy you’d get from a vendor at a fair, but that’s to be expected. Hand-spun is obviously going to be different from cotton candy that was probably mechanically stuffed into a tub.
Even though it’s denser, it still has the fun tear-apart characteristics of cotton candy, as you can see. It also immediately gets stuck all over your fingers, like fresh cotton candy. I hate sticky fingers, but cotton candy is so fun, I’m willing to give Fun Sweets a pass. The jury is still out, however, on Sticky Fingaz. I’ve got my eye on you, sir. Just because you were on The Shield doesn’t mean you get a free ride.
As for taste and texture in the mouth, Fun Sweets Cotton Candy Teddy Bear Vanilla is as close to fresh cotton candy as you can get. It starts out as fun fluff, then immediately dissolves into a tiny clump of sugar crystals. I can taste a hint of vanilla, but really, it’s just all sugar, all the time.
Frankly, I expected pre-packaged Fun Sweets’ Cotton Candy to suck. I wasn’t sure how it would suck, I just thought it would. As it turns out, it’s the next best thing to fresh, hand-spun cotton candy as you can get. Tearing those pieces off and shoving them into my mouth, I felt like a kid again. And, obviously, this product is made for kids. When it’s February and there’s snow covering the ground, receiving Teddy Bear Cotton Candy for Valentine’s Day would make any kid with good sense squee. There’s even little hearts on the tub to write your “To” and “From” on. And for just one dollar apiece, if you want your kid to be a god, even if just for a day, have them hand these out instead of stupid Dragonball Z Valentine’s cards. Bulky, but totally worth it.
I guess I won’t have to worry about my Smile Guarantee, because Fun Sweets Cotton Candy Teddy Bear Vanilla did, indeed, make me smile. I would have preferred a less vaguely unsettling form of teddy bear, but any kid eating this would be too busy shoving sugar in her mouth to notice.
Score: 4.5 out of 5 Cute Creepy Bear hugs
Price: $1.00
Size: 1.5 oz. tub
Purchased at: Fry’s Foods
Nutritional Quirks: The ingredients are simple: sugars, artificial flavors and artificial color (red #40, yellow#5). But the product is as white as newly fallen snow. What’s with the colors?
Ruffles are not one of Frito-Lay’s products that gets a lot of new family members. Doritos seem to fuck like rabbits, producing a new flavor every two seconds, and Cheetos get a lot of play, but Ruffles are just…Ruffles. Ridged and thicker than Lay’s, original Ruffles are the perfect chip for dipping. There’s a few flavors, like Authentic Barbecue and Sour Cream & Onion, but they’re pretty pedestrian. I do have to say, I love their Cheddar & Sour Cream. But generally, Ruffles have been one of the quietest of all the Frito-Lay children.
Until now! Ruffles has come out with not one, but two new Ruffles flavors, and I’m excited about both of them. Molten Hot Wings and Loaded Chili & Cheese? Hells yeah, sign me up for flavor country! I would have just been happy with Hot Wings, but these are Molten Hot Wings. Chili & Cheese gets my blood pumping (Fritos Chili Cheese chips rock), but these are Loaded Chili & Cheese. How are they loaded? Onions on top? Sour cream? Or just really drunk? It is a mystery, and I hope it’s a delicious one.
You might be thinking that Frito-Lay just up and decided to give Ruffles some love. But there’s an ulterior motive going on here. A sinister ulterior motive.
Okay it’s not that sinister. It’s just silly.
If you read Frito-Lay’s Snack Chat blog, and I know you don’t, you would know that there’s a theme going on here. Ruffles Molten Hot Wing and Loaded Chili & Cheese are being released with a buddy, Doritos Pizza Supreme. Are you seeing a theme here? Have you noticed that, on some recent Sundays, there’s suddenly the smell of grilling and the sound of yelling in the air? Did you perhaps wonder when church got so damn exciting? If so, you’re probably a nerd who doesn’t watch sports. This means you probably didn’t know the Super Bowl is happening this Sunday. A friend of mine called the Super Bowl a “football contest” today. I’m pretty sure he didn’t get the theme.
In other words, yes: Frito-Lay is trying to convince you that, instead of making (or ordering) real hot wings, chili cheese dip, and pizza for your big Super Bowl party, you should just lay out three big bowls full of these chips. Don’t take it from me, they pretty much lay it out like that in the blog: “The crunch of Ruffles Original with the bold, hearty flavors of chili cheese and hot wings. Who needs a meal when you’ve got these to snack on?”
I NEED A MEAL. If I were to go to someone’s Super Bowl party and see nothing but Ruffles laid out on the coffee table, I would overturn the table in a fit of rage, break a bottle of beer over it, and stab the party host in the face. Motherfucker trying to just feed me chips. I bet the beer is non-alcoholic, too. Bitch be trippin’.
Leaving behind any talk of food/chip substitutions and physical assault, let’s just see how they taste.
Loaded Chili and Cheese
After looking at the back of the bag, I now see what they mean by loaded: “You know that dream where all your favorite food is piled high and ready to go? It’s not a dream. It’s Ruffles Loaded Chili & Cheese Flavor. Chili? Check. Cheese? Heck yeah. Onions and peppers. Bingo. Now put all that on a chip. Pinch yourself, you’re really awake. Okay, now hit yourself. Oh well, it was worth a shot.”
I want to find the person that wrote this little gem. I’ve seen some pretty out there back-of-bag descriptions, but this one is just plain funny. First of all, I don’t think I’ve ever had that dream. And if I did have that dream, it would look more like a steak smothered in onion dip, artichoke dip, pesto and cheese sauce, bangers and mash, all topped off with a pickle. Somehow that doesn’t sound too appetizing.
By the way, I punched myself in the face after I finished reading the bag. I always obey the bag.
Unsurprisingly, Loaded Chili & Cheese Ruffles taste a hell of a lot like Chili Cheese Fritos. Heck, they probably just used the same flavor powder with some minor modifications. But you know what? I don’t care. I love Chili Cheese Fritos and I love Chili Cheese Ruffles. They don’t taste exactly the same, since Ruffles are potato chips and Fritos are corn chips, but it works either way.
If you’ve never had Chili Cheese Fritos before, let me explain the Ruffles for you. They basically taste like chili powder mixed with cheese powder. There’s also a little onion and garlic flavors thrown in there, too. The Ruffles do have some different ingredients than the Fritos, which results in a larger depth of flavor, particularly in the onion region. I couldn’t really taste any peppers, but that’s okay. I don’t really consider peppers to be a standard in chili cheese dip, but maybe that’s just me.
Loaded Chili & Cheese Ruffles get a thumbs up in my book. The chili flavor is pretty aggressive, which may not appeal to some pussies people, but I found it to be just right.
Molten Hot Wings
Let’s check out what kind of crazy is on the back of this bag! “You. Your buds. The game… What’s missing? One word, “Wings.” Dripping with sauce and ready to wash down with your favorite beverage(s). Wait, it gets better. It’s Ruffles Molten Hot Wings Flavor and it’s all on a chip. So now what’s missing? Two words, ‘personal cheerleaders.’ Dream big, chief.”
First of all, you’re not doing a very good job of selling these chips as a replacement for hot wings. “What’s missing? Meaty chicken wings covered in delicious sauce. You know what’s better? Eating potato chips.” Not exactly the same experience. Most guys would choose meat over potato chips.
Speaking of guys, what kind of sexist fuck wrote this blurb? Personal cheerleaders? “Chief”? Don’t call me chief. I am a motherfucking lady, you punk-ass little bitch. How dare you assume that only guys are going to eat Molten Hot Wings? My outrage is palpable.
I wouldn’t mind some hot personal cheerleaders, however. The more vapid, the better! Honey I ain’t paying you to talk, I’m paying you to cheer me on every time I finish another beer. Or someone makes a touchdown or something. Whatever.
Given the picture on the bag and the whole “molten” angle, I expected these chips to be fire engine red. Not so much. Don’t be deceived, however; these chips pack a surprising punch. They’re pretty fierce, but in a buffalo sauce sort of way more than say, a jalapeño spicy sort of way. My mouth puckered. That signature vinegar component of buffalo sauce is definitely there.
There was an underlying flavor that I had trouble identifying, until it finally hit me: chicken. Son of a- I’M TIRED OF BEING AMBUSHED BY MEAT-FLAVORED CHIPS! DAMN YOU AND YOUR FLAVOR SORCERY, FRITO-LAY!
Honestly though, once I got done shaking my fist in the air and yelling at a snack food manufacturer while standing alone in the middle of my kitchen, I gave them a second try and really didn’t find the chicken undertone all that bad. I would say it’s the least disturbing of all the meat-flavored chips I’ve tried. Molten Hot Wings Ruffles would hit it off pretty well with some ranch dip. While not exactly molten, they do pack some heat, and I’ll forgive Ruffles just for using the word “molten”. I’m a big fan of creative adjectives in snack foods. And it sure as hell beats “XTREME”.
I’m glad to see Ruffles getting more flavors. Fortunately, I actually enjoyed both Loaded Chili & Cheese and Molten Hot Wings, even though the former seems to just be a slightly different iteration of Chili Cheese Fritos and the latter has an undertone of…chicken. I’d still cut a bitch if I went to a Super Bowl party and all they had was Ruffles, but the cuts would require less stitches. I’d even leave some chips for them after they got back from the hospital.
(Note: Brand Eating also reviewed Ruffles Loaded Chili & Cheese Potato Chips and The Impulsive Buy reviewed both of them.)
Ruffle Loaded Chili & Cheese Potato Chips
Score: 4 out of 5 sexy food dreams
Price: $0.99
Size: 1 7/8 oz. bag
Purchased at: Fry’s Foods
Nutritional Quirks: Contains red and green bell pepper powder, even though I couldn’t taste it. I’ve never seen bell pepper powder before. More Frito-Lay sorcery!
Ruffles Molten Hot Wings Potato Chips
Score: 3.5 out of 5 personal cheerleaders
Price: $0.99
Size: 1 7/8 oz. bag
Purchased at: Fry’s Foods
Nutritional Quirks: Contains chicken fat, chicken broth and chicken powder. Chicken powder sounds ominous, but is probably just bullion. I’m a little disturbed that my potato chips have chicken fat in them, though.
Junk food and fast food reviews from a leftist perspective. We eat it so you don't have to!
Limited edition retro…throwback Ruffles and Cheetos! Have your nostalgia sensors gone wild yet? Are you ready to go out there and find these chips RIGHT NOW so you can pretend it’s…uh, whatever year these bags are meant to imitate?
